


A Dream of Light

by ghostbunny



Category: Vampire Knight
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Slow Build, Yuki loves Zero, Yuki was never human, Zero won't admit he has feelings but we know the truth, but much angst to start with, it gets fluffier as it goes on, it's not nothing Zero
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2018-08-15 09:39:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 43
Words: 189,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8051386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostbunny/pseuds/ghostbunny
Summary: Pureblood princess Yuki Kuran has seen little of the world outside her own home. She spends her days in her windowless bedroom, fending off loneliness and dreaming of a more exciting life for herself. When eventually Yuki’s dreams become a worry to her older brother and guardian Kaname, he consents to a compromise:  Yuki may leave the Kuran manor for a time, but she must go to stay instead with trusted family friend, Kaien Cross, at his academy. But there’s one person at Cross Academy who is far from thrilled with this arrangement.  Zero Kiryu has lived in darkness since the day he and his parents were attacked by a pureblood vampire. He hates Yuki’s kind. But despite his efforts to keep his distance from her, Yuki can’t seem to help the way she’s drawn to this beautiful angry boy. And as the two grow closer, she begins to feel more and more that she would do anything just to see him smile.





	1. And when you want to live, how do you start?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is a rather old story that I recently decided to revive and hopefully finish off. Most of the story has been pre-written so updates should be fairly regular. 
> 
> Before I start, I just wanted to note that I've rated this story 'T' for the same sort of themes that come up in the manga, which was rated for older teens. So please be aware of that. If anyone thinks the rating needs to go up then please tell me. I'll put some warnings here now just in case. If you don't want to know what's coming then feel free to skip ahead. If you're feeling cautious then please take note that this story contains references to suicidal behaviour, some description of such behaviour, some violence (though I don't think there's much), blood and bite scenes (of course) and some foul language. If I think of anything else I'll add it to the list. If you'd like to read but are concerned about any of the content then just leave a comment (or message me on [tumblr](lavenderghostgirl.tumblr.com)) and I'll tell you which chapters to watch out for.
> 
> Also, chapter titles have been taken from song lyrics so I'll put the credit for them at the end of each chapter.
> 
> I hope that you'll enjoy it!

The wind was sharp and cold against Yuki’s unprotected hands and legs. It turned the tip of her nose to ice and blew her hair wildly about her face and yet she barely noticed it. Had anyone been looking they might have thought her a ghost in her billowing white dress. But no one was; she was alone. She moved as if in a trance, placing one foot lightly in front of the other, not feeling that the grass was soft and wet and cold against her bare skin. Her shoes lay forgotten at the doorway of her old life.

 She walked until she reached the wall. There, as if purely by instinct (for some quiet part of her knew better than to think at this stage) her legs bent and, with a powerful leap, she reached the top of the high wall. As she dropped down to the other side it occurred to her to pick up speed and she began to move swiftly between the trees. She forced herself not to look back.

 *

 Yuki’s dreams weren’t usually so vivid. In fact, most of her dreams were no more interesting than her real life – they would be forgotten instantly; why should she bother remembering something so incredibly dull. But... sometimes there were dreams of adventures, of faraway lands, of friendships. And she clung to them as if her very life depended on those images of forests and meadows, mountains, cities... they were everything she had ever desired and to dream of them seemed the closest she could possibly come to really feeling what it was like to be out there in the real world. But like all dreams, as her eyelids opened and reality began to pull her back into its suffocating embrace, those treasured images would begin to slip through her delicate fingers. She did what she could to hold onto them, and could sometimes lie in bed for hours after she had woken, holding on to that imagined feeling of freedom – but it never lasted.

 This dream was different.

 This dream had filled Yuki’s mind almost entirely in the last few months. It was impossible to forget. And it had returned to her so many times... always so vivid... 

 Yuki lived with her brother, Kaname. The only others around were the servants and a few trusted friends who came and went. Her feelings for her brother were mixed: love, admiration… envy… resentment… The last two only reared their ugly heads at times of extreme stress, usually caused by Kaname’s overprotective manner. Yuki longed to see the world, really see it, not just from behind the tinted glass of a limo as she travelled to another ball or party. She wanted to know what the stars looked like in a place where no other lights could hide them. She wanted to feel snow crunch beneath her feet, to stand under a cherry tree as it rained blossom in the wind. She wanted to laugh as the petals caught in her hair. She couldn’t, she wasn’t allowed.

 Yuki’s existence had only been known to the world for a few years now and it was in that time that she had come to develop this desire to escape. Watching everyone else come and go with complete freedom was what did it. All her life she had watched her older brother with adoring eyes as he did what he pleased while she stayed at home, surrounded by love, but locked up and under constant supervision. Yuki never questioned it; she would be able to go out when she was older.

 But she was older now and had anything really changed? Though Yuki was allowed her privacy at home, any rare trip to the outside world (usually to other mansions similar to the one she was imprisoned in) was conducted under the same maddening supervision she had endured as a child. She was suddenly introduced to other people living lives that were nothing like her own. Yuki realised her imprisonment was not normal. She began to ask questions, but her brother, though her pain saddened him greatly, would not budge on the subject. She was the ‘Pureblood Princess’, apparently that meant something.

 Every endless day was the same, with no chance of change. The monotony wore on her...

 *

 The first time Yuki had the dream she had felt guilty. It was all well and good to wish for adventures, to want to see all of the places she had read about in books, but to dream of actually running away from home seemed wrong somehow. Yuki knew Kaname would be hurt if he found out. She didn’t want that.

 But every time the dream returned to her, Yuki became a little more obsessed.  It had felt so real; she wanted to recall that feeling always. Freedom: how wondrous it would be to know it for the first time. It was worse on the nights after she had had the dream, when she refused to leave her bed, wanting to keep the tiniest details of the wind and the trees in her mind. But there were other times too, when she would space out while eating or some other mundane task and imagine herself packing her bags and stepping out of the front door or wondering where she would go.

 But she knew she wasn’t brave enough to really leave – the world was too big, to hurt Kaname like that would be too awful.

 Yuki often wondered if Kaname knew what she was thinking about. That made her feel guilty, but it was too much to forget about. She kept dreaming and dreaming until it became too much to hide.

 Kaname had, in fact, known from the beginning that something was wrong. Yuki always denied it, but she had become so absent minded... he knew she was hiding something. When he tasted it in her blood – saw the dreams for himself – that was when Kaname knew he could not ignore the situation any longer.

 He arranged for Yuki to have some time away from home. He was sending her to stay with Headmaster Kaien Cross, an old friend of his. Yuki would stay with him at Cross Academy for a few months. Though she would not attend classes (after so many years spent in darkness, to spend whole days in the sunlight would most likely be too big a change for Yuki) she would have the opportunity to meet other people and there would be large grounds for her to explore in safety. Kaname hoped that this would be enough to keep her safe while giving her some of the freedom she craved.

 Yuki could barely contain her excitement.

 *

 The sun was just beginning to set as Yuki left the Kuran Manor behind, this time in the back of a car and taking with her a suitcase and Kaname’s blessing. Kaname was unable to come with her at this time because he had business to attend to elsewhere, but he had assured her that he would come to see how she settled in after a few days.

 Yuki felt both loneliness and excitement as she sat in the back seat by herself. The light through the windows of the car reminded her of another journey she had taken with Kaname. How the delicate countryside had flickered past in the same way as they drove. She had pressed her face against the windowpane as she watched, wishing she could melt through the glass and float off through the trees. She had let out a soft breath and drawn a heart with her finger on the glass. In the distance, framed by her dusty breath, she had watched a bird floating, black against the pink glow of the evening sky. Yuki had told Kaname that she wished she could be that bird but he had simply gazed sadly at her from behind heavy lashes and said nothing.

 Was this the first step in Yuki’s wish coming true? Her world was expanding before her eyes, stretching out in front of her as she rose higher and higher on soft feathery wings.  She felt as if she could fall at any moment, but it only added to the thrill.

 Yuki opened the window all the way and the outside air greeted her with a force that closed her sleepy eyes and swept her hair back off her face. A shy smile formed on her lips. In the yellow haze of the setting sun behind her eyelids the world was still as beautiful as ever. Yuki could hear birds and smell the trees. She could feel the soft, cool wind against her skin. She had dreamed of these things while trapped in her lonely windowless room. Now, as the car carried her further from home, those dreams seemed more and more within Yuki’s reach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from the boy with the thorn in his side – the smiths)


	2. Yours was the first face that I saw...

It was dark by the time she arrived at Cross Academy. Yuki’s eyes were wide as she took in the old moonlit buildings that would be her new home for… she didn’t even know how long. According to Kaname the buildings were a former vampire hunter base and the headmaster a retired hunter himself. This information surprised Yuki. She knew next to nothing about hunters and, to her mind, they didn’t sound like a pleasant bunch. But, upon asking Kaname how he knew such a person, he had assured her that Kaien Cross was retired for a reason. The ex-hunter strived for peace between vampires and humans and had even gone so far as to attempt to initiate a night class for vampires at his school. The idea had, unfortunately, failed to generate enough interest and had been abandoned. Yuki hadn’t even known about it at the time. Now she wished she had been a few years older. If she and Kaname had been able to go, others might have followed their example. It would have been nice to have the opportunity to make friends with other vampires her age.

Yuki blinked in surprise when her driver, Tove, opened the car door for her. Lost in her own thoughts, Yuki had forgotten about her completely. Now, Yuki stepped out of the car tentatively. Nerves engulfed her as her feet touched the unfamiliar ground. Yuki had thought that there would be somebody there to greet her when she arrived, but there seemed to be no one in sight. She stood by the car, wondering what she should do, until she heard Tove speaking, “Is there anything else I can do, Yuki-sama?”

Yuki stared at her blankly for a few seconds, before snapping back to reality. “Oh, no! I’m fine!” _Pull yourself together, Yuki,_ she thought before plastering a bright smile across her face. She noticed the bag in Tove’s hand and leapt forwards reaching both arms out towards it. “I can take that! I’ll just go in by myself.” Yuki’s eyes were shining as brightly as her smile, “So it’s like a real adventure!”

The driver gave a faint smile at Yuki’s enthusiasm but there was worry lurking behind it, “Are you sure, Yuki-sama? Wouldn’t you rather I accompanied you inside?”

“No, no!” Yuki said. Her arms were still held out towards the bag, which Tove seemed reluctant to hand over. “It’s more exciting this way.”

Tove raised an eyebrow and then a small chuckle escaped from her, “Well okay then... I suppose there’s no real harm in seeing you off here at the front gate.” She held up Yuki’s bag and Yuki took it, wearing an excited grin. “Have a wonderful time, Yuki-sama.”

“Thank you, I will! I’m so sure of it...” Yuki had to turn back to wave as she was already eagerly heading through the gates. “Good bye!”

Then Yuki turned to face the school. Her wide grin was still fixed to her face as she turned her head, taking in her surroundings. The path in front of her was lined with trees on either side, but as she started up it, she could make out several buildings ahead. The smile was starting slip from her face a little now. This was all a little confusing actually; she had no idea which of the buildings she was supposed to go to. _It’s more exciting this way? Yuki, you’re an idiot!_ She wished a little that she had listened to Kaname and waited until he was free to bring her here himself. But the prospect of Kaname being away while she waited was not an appealing one and so Yuki had instead insisted on leaving as soon as possible. Well, it was too late to regret it now. She continued towards the Academy, deciding that she’d just ask the first person she saw for directions.   

As she drew closer to the buildings Yuki suddenly realised that she was not alone anymore but, before she had time to figure out where the other person was, she heard a click behind her head and froze in place.

“Turn around.”

The voice that sounded through the darkness was male and decidedly unfriendly. Quiet and chilling… somehow Yuki felt it was not a voice to be ignored. Without thinking, she did what it commanded and came face to face with the end of a large silver gun. She couldn’t stop herself from taking an instinctual step back.

“Don’t move.”

Yuki did what she was told but her gaze shifted to face of the one issuing those cold, harsh commands. The boy was tall and silver haired, his handsome features distorted by a look of hatred.

This was far from the welcome Yuki had hoped for.

“A pureblood vampire…” his voice was quiet but menacing and he held the gun steady at arms length. His eyes were locked on her, “Why are you here?”

The boy’s eyes were the colour of lavender. They were unusually light but there was a certain darkness in them that disturbed her. It made Yuki think of storm clouds, great black ones that obscured everything he didn’t want her to see, leaving nothing visible but anger and hatred.

“I – I’m looking for Headmaster Cross…” Yuki’s voice came out in a whisper. This had all happened too quickly for her to compose herself and she could only stare at him with wide eyes and wonder what was going on. She hastily added, “I was invited…”

After a moment the gun lowered but the boy seemed no more friendly than he had with it raised. _He must be a hunter_ , Yuki thought. She wished he wouldn’t look at her like that. Yuki didn’t know how it was possible to hate so much. Hate was something that only crept up on her in her loneliest moments, appearing alongside memories that hurt too much to keep close to her heart. She barely knew hate, but it seemed to be radiating from this silver haired boy. It was almost visible around him and the blackness was closing in on her from all sides.

A shout cut through the tension, “Oh, Kiryu, you found her!”

Yuki looked over to see a man running towards them. His eyes were shining behind his glasses as he approached and upon reaching them he stated, “You must be Yuki,” then proceeded to gush over how she looked just like her mother.

After introducing himself as Headmaster Kaien Cross, he took Yuki’s bag from her and told her he had food ready for her inside if she wanted it. It was hard to fully appreciate the warmth that this man was showing her when Yuki could still feel that boy glaring at her the whole time.  She looked over at him now. His silvery hair fell over those stormy eyes, shielding them from view. He’d put his gun away and now when Yuki looked him over she could see multiple ear piercings and a tattoo visible on his neck. He wasn’t wearing his uniform properly either. Yuki had never met a boy like him. There was one of Kaname’s friends, Akatsuki Kain, who she had always thought was quite wild looking but he was still an aristocrat, while this boy was almost feral. When asked by the Headmaster whether he wanted to join them for their meal, he muttered a quiet yet brutal “no” and walked away.

“Never mind Zero,” Headmaster Cross said cheerfully, apparently used to this sort of behaviour. “Come on, I’ll show you where you’ll be staying.”

Still feeling slightly shaken, Yuki followed the Headmaster as he set off towards the buildings.

*

Since she was not actually attending classes at the school, Yuki was staying in a guest room in the Headmaster’s own private quarters. He told her that since Zero, the boy from before, had moved to the dorms when he started at the school, it would be nice to have the company again. Yuki asked about Zero and the Headmaster told her that Zero was his son. Though he then went on to explain that they weren’t technically related, but he had been taking care of Zero for the four years since his parents died. A tiny sad “oh” escaped Yuki’s lips at this information and she thought she understood where some of that hate she had seen earlier might have come from. The Headmaster looked at her with a sad smile and said, “He’s very independent, and very serious for his age. I hope he didn’t upset you earlier.”

The question took Yuki by surprise, “Oh, well… not really…” but she was picturing the gun in her head and wasn’t sure she sounded convincing.

“Oh he’s a good boy. I wouldn’t worry about him,” said Kaien Cross happily, waving the subject away with his hands.

He took Yuki to her room then. She went eagerly, thinking with much excitement _oh, yes, this is_ _where I’ll live now._ It was a strange thought, especially when, upon peering into this new room, she automatically started comparing it to her room at the Kuran Manor.

Yuki’s room at home was luxuriously furnished, with everything she had ever wanted. Her bookshelf had been entirely filled and there were more books packed away in cupboards and under her bed. Another shelf had been dedicated entirely to her favourite records, of which there were many, and in one corner of the room sat a much used piano. Her wardrobe was filled with beautiful and expensive dresses.

This room at Cross Academy was different to say the least. Though not small, it was perhaps half the size of the one Yuki had at home. There was a single bed made up with fresh floral sheets. There were a few books on a shelf, a few pictures on the wall. A typical guest room – but Yuki loved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuki’s driver is named after Tove Jansson – did anyone guess? I watched a documentary about her a few weeks ago and that was the name that popped into my head when I needed to think of one. Driver Tove, you have a very cool namesake, yes indeed.   
> (chapter title from first day of my life by bright eyes)


	3. If they want you, they’re gonna have to fight me

It was only late that night (or early the next morning) that Yuki began to truly realise that she was free, or as close to it as she had ever been. She found herself in her new room, sat on the sill of the open window with her legs hanging over the side. She felt her spirits suddenly lift. They rose up and danced between the stars that were speckled abundantly across the sky. The gentle wind picked up her hair and enticed it to join in the dance. The feeling that everything was new and exciting spread throughout her body.

She found it was different being in a household with no other vampires. Yuki liked the feeling of being the only one awake. The feeling of aloneness tickled her and it was not like being lonely; she had felt that at parties when surrounded by laughing strangers who pretended to adore her; or at home while waiting for Kaname to return from one of his trips. This was different… it was peaceful.

Earlier, Yuki had tiptoed through the hall in the dark and let that feeling envelope her. In the veil of darkness the house had seemed so serene and the feeling continued as she sat in the window with the breeze tickling her bare feet. Yuki was content to sit, for night was her time and never before had she truly had the chance to experience the beauty of it.

*

Yuki awoke early the next evening, before the sun had set, and after a quick look around the house she determined that Kaien was not there. She wondered if it was all right for her to leave without saying anything, but she wanted to have a chance to explore the school grounds a little while it was still light out. In the end she decided that as long as she was not planning to leave the Academy grounds it would be okay if she just went out for an hour or so. Yuki quickly washed and dressed and slipped out of the house, into the evening.

Though the sun had not fully set, it was low enough in the sky that it did not bother her all that much. Yuki glanced up to see several fluffy pink clouds floating above her and smiled. There weren’t many students about but a few appeared as she got closer to where she assumed the classrooms must be. It was not as strange as Yuki thought it would be to watch the young humans going about their normal lives. Though this was Yuki’s first time in human society, she felt as if she knew it well from the books that had often been her only companions growing up.

The Academy grounds were beautiful. Sunlight glittered through the leaves of the surrounding trees as she walked. It hurt her eyes slightly to look, but Yuki couldn’t remember ever seeing such a pretty sight. The rays would peep out one after another as she moved along, lightly, shyly, kissing her cheeks then retreating quickly to allow another ray to come forth. She drifted lazily along and shifted her gaze away from the sparkling trees. She looked up at the old building, the window shone with the light of the setting sun and the bricks had a yellow glow about them. Every now and again a group of chattering friends would emerge from the building, on their way back to their dorms, but for the most part it was quiet. Yuki settled herself down under a tree and leaned back against the trunk. There was something so perfect about her surroundings. The gentle birdsong, that faint yellow glow from anything those last rays of sun could reach… She could hear the chatter of a group of girls. They were laughing and Yuki smiled at the sound, but there was something sad about that smile, a hint of loneliness. Yuki had never had any girl friends. Kaname had been everything to her… and now she was leaving him.

The girls’ laughter faded into the distance. Yuki felt eyes on her and looked up. Zero Kiryu was stood near the entrance of the school, looking at her. Their eyes met and she could feel his hatred as something tangible and sharp hitting her square in the chest. The exchange lasted only a moment then he turned and walked away, towards the dorms.

Her good feeling gone, Yuki went back to the Headmaster’s house.

*

The night Kaname was due to arrive to see how Yuki was settling in, she and Kaien waited for him in Kaien’s office. Kaname arrived at exactly the time he said he would. Yuki had been thinking about how, in the short time since she had last seen him, so much seemed to have changed, but now she jumped to her feet and met him at the door. There he pulled her into his arms and held her close. Some things took a lot more than a change of location to alter. “I missed you,” Kaname whispered. “It seems unthinkable that I should have to say goodbye to you once more when this night is over.”

Yuki didn’t know what to say. She held Kaname tightly.

She only let go when she heard a small rattling thud behind her and she looked around to see that the Headmaster had set down a tray on his desk. “I made tea,” he announced brightly. Yuki had been so preoccupied with greeting her brother that she hadn’t even noticed Kaien wandering off to the corner of the office to busy himself with that particular task. She sat down in one of the comfortable chairs placed opposite the Headmaster’s seat and gratefully took a cup. Kaname did the same. When the Headmaster had taken his, Yuki noticed that there was a spare cup on the tray. She stared at it; surely they didn’t think she was _that_ clumsy?

Yuki pointed to the cup. “Who’s that for?”

“Oh, I asked Kiryu to stop by,” Kaien replied. He looked at a clock on the wall, “But he was never one to be punctual.”

Yuki gave the Headmaster a curious look. Going over those two short encounters with Zero in her mind, she had no idea what he could possibly have to discuss with the three of them right now. But Yuki shrugged the unvoiced question off. She figured she’d find out soon enough. If Kiryu even bothered to show, that was. And somehow Yuki felt she wouldn’t be that surprised if he didn’t.

While they waited Kaname and the Headmaster discussed the conditions of Yuki’s stay at the Academy. Yuki was relieved that the Headmaster seemed quite casual about the whole thing. It was five minutes before Zero arrived and when he came in Yuki thought it seemed like the temperature dropped by several degrees. As if the hatred he kept inside of himself was too much to be contained in the presence of two vampires and it had seeped through the air, turning it to ice as it went.

“Ah, Kiryu! Come and sit, there’s tea here if you want some.”

Yuki wasn’t sure if the Headmaster was oblivious to Zero’s mood or if he just chose to ignore it, but she had already realised that this quietly fierce silver haired boy was not the type to sit and have tea with those he considered his enemies and she was not surprised when he did not move from the far side of the room.

“Zero, this is Kaname Kuran, Yuki’s brother. Kaname, this is Zero Kiryu.”

“Pleased to meet you,” Kaname murmured, pleasantly. Zero only glared in response.

The Headmaster said to Zero, “I told you, didn’t I, that I wanted you to look after Yuki while she’s here?”

Yuki was glad that Zero was looking at the Headmaster and not her this time, though she doubted that the anger he directed at his guardian lessened the hatred he felt for her any. In fact, she suspected the reason he hadn’t looked her way at all was because he was trying to keep himself from shooting her then and there.

“You didn’t,” was the boy’s strained reply.

The Headmaster looked surprised, then sheepish. Yuki had to hand it to him, he could withstand Zero’s death gaze very well. “I must have forgotten. Well, now you know. What do you say?”

There was that blackness again, coming off him in waves. When he spoke his voice was low and barely controlled, “Babysitting vampires,” the word was venom on his tongue, and he spoke it like the worst insult, “is not my job.”

Then Kaname spoke and Yuki, so intent on the tension in the room, had almost forgotten he was there.  His voice was calm, with a hint of accusation. “And are you not a vampire yourself?”

Yuki stared at her brother and Zero in turn. “A vampire?” she repeated, astonished, as if she had never heard of such a thing.

Zero was more furious than ever. His hands were balled into tight fists at his sides as if they would like very much to be wrapped around Kaname’s neck or perhaps, more likely, squeezing a trigger. He was glaring at Kaname with unreserved hatred. Yuki had never seen anybody behave this way around her brother before. But if it bothered Kaname, he hid it well. She also noticed that, for all Zero’s anger at Kaname’s accusation, he wasn’t denying it.The Headmaster simply ignored Kaname’s statement and went back to the topic at hand. “Kiryu, really, you’re the best person for the job. I only ask that as part of your usual prefect duties you keep an eye out to make sure Yuki doesn’t get into any trouble.”

A few seconds passed then Zero snapped, “Fine.” His narrowed eyes shifted back to the Headmaster, “I’ll do it. But only because I think it’s a bad idea for you to let a pureblood run freely around this place.”

Before anyone could react, he was gone.

Kaien beamed at the two dark haired vampires before him, “Well, that’s sorted then isn’t it?”

Yuki turned her still rather astonished gaze to the Headmaster. “Um...” she was not quite sure how to ask, so she simply blurted, “Are you sure?”

“Hm?” The Headmaster stared back at her, two innocent eyes blinking behind his rounded glasses.

“I mean that was a bit...” Yuki touched her hand to her chin as she tried to search for a word to describe Zero’s demeanour.

“Incensed?” Kaname supplied and Yuki turned to him, nodded, and then turned back to the Headmaster in the hopes that there was some kind of reassurance to be had.

Kaien still did not look particularly concerned, “Oh the attitude is just for show, I’m quite sure. He’s at that age, you know... and he really is a good boy, a little troubled maybe, but... well, I trust him.”

To which Kaname responded, “You have been a friend to my family for many years, Headmaster Cross, and after all this time I believe I can trust your judgement.”

Yuki took this to mean that the matter was settled; if Kaname trusted the Headmaster then so would she.

*

Now as she entered her room alone Yuki felt finally the sense of independence she had longed for. Whether or not it was true independence was another matter. For now it was simply enough.

Kaname had brought a second suitcase of her belongings and it had been left on the bed for Yuki to unpack herself. She walked the few steps from the door to her bed and flicked open the two latches on the case. Upon pulling out a few of her belongings Yuki soon realised that Kaname had packed the case himself. The impeccable neatness – which Yuki had quickly messed up – was entirely like him and she noticed that every one of the dresses packed was each one of his favourites on her. He dressed her up like a doll, she thought, wanting his pureblood princess to look the part. But Yuki found that she no longer felt any resentment over this. Those small details of her life had now ceased to be symbols of her imprisonment and had become simple tokens of love that she could look upon with fondness now that she had the freedom she wanted.

Each dress was expensive and made of the finest materials, all gifts brought back from Kaname’s trips to the outside world. Yuki didn’t know what he did when he went away. She had asked in the past, but had found the answers about politics and this or that vampire, who she’d never met anyway, too boring to follow. Instead she had started to ask about the journeys to the places he visited, begging for every detail of what the night air was like, how it had tasted. “Tell me about the mountains again!” Yuki would order, “The trees! Lakes and streams! Waterfalls!” If he told her he hadn’t seen any waterfalls on his journeys, or whatever else she’d been fantasising about that day, she would sulk, disappointed. But the rest he would tell her, every detail as poetic as the books she buried herself in while he was away. _So it is true_ , she had thought, and she wanted to see it herself even more.

But this was enough for now, a small change to begin with and who knew what the future might hold? Yuki smiled at the familiar dresses, glad not everything had to change at once. Her smile broke into a full grin when she saw that Kaname had packed her favourite books for her. She had forgotten them in her excitement to get away and she was glad Kaname had remembered for her. Yuki picked one up and held the prettily bound volume to her chest. She felt a sudden rush of inexplicable joy. A joy that made her want to dance and laugh at the most ordinary of things. Just being at this Academy was the most exciting thing in Yuki’s life. She never wanted this carefree feeling to end. But end it did, all too soon and with just a simple knock at the door.

Yuki felt a little foolish upon being snapped out of her thoughts and brought back from her own little world so suddenly.  She opened the door and let Kaien in.

“You surprised me,” she said, with a small smile.

Kaien peered at her from behind his glasses. “Oh, really? I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay. I was daydreaming.”

She noticed from the look on the Headmaster’s face that he seemed a little distracted. “Yuki, could you come with me for a moment? There was something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Yes, of course,” Yuki complied and followed Kaien out of the room.

“It’s about Kiryu,” he told her seriously as they both settled into chairs at the dining room table. Yuki had come to realise that it was a rare sight to see the carefree Headmaster serious about something. She had actually forgotten about Zero for a moment and Kaien’s mention of him, brought all her curiosity rushing back.

“I’d been meaning to ask about him. I, uh, hadn’t even realised he was a vampire,” she admitted sheepishly. She felt, to put it bluntly, like a bit of an idiot. How could she not have noticed something like that?

“I don’t think it’s something he particularly wants people to know,” Kaien sighed.

“It certainly seemed that way...” but Yuki did not understand.

“Zero wasn’t born a vampire,” Kaien told her. “He was bitten four years ago, by the same pureblood that killed his family.”

Yuki inhaled sharply. She instantly began to feel differently about Zero. The confusion lifted and slowly she began to understand. _There must be so much pain in his heart,_ she thought _, I was right, you can’t hate that much without it hurting._

She listened in horror as Kaien told her how Zero had begun the slow transformation while his mother and father died before his eyes. How they found him unconscious, blood everywhere... how he wouldn’t speak for weeks afterwards.  Yuki was in shock. How much horror had Zero experienced? And he hid it all despite the everyday reminder: that he was now a vampire himself.

“Yuki...” the Headmaster spoke softly, “There is a reason that I’m telling you this. I wanted you to understand why I asked Zero to look after you when he is so... reluctant. The truth is, I think it might be good for him to spend time with you. I want him to see that not all vampires are like the one that attacked him... Is this okay with you?”

Yuki didn't even have to think about it. "Of course it is."

_Oh, Zero,_ she thought, _I don't know if there is anything I can do to take away the pain in your heart, but I promise that I'll try._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from night terror by laura marling)


	4. Some days aren’t yours at all

Yuki went back to her new room and sat on the bed. She slid back against the wall and curled up as small as she could make herself. Thinking about Zero was making her feel slightly sick. It was not disgust, exactly; it was like her stomach felt heavy. Everything felt heavy. Those spirits of hers that had danced amongst the stars a few nights ago had now become dead-weights. Yuki knew that Kaien had not shared this information about Zero with her to get this sort of reaction. It would not have been his intention at all. But this was not something Yuki could put from her mind with any ease. It did not matter that she barely knew Zero, or that not a one of their interactions thus far had been even remotely pleasant. Yuki couldn’t help but think of him. She finally understood now: what he saw, when he looked at her with those darkened lavender eyes, was the same thing that had killed his mother and father.

Yuki knew it would not be easy to change Zero’s mind. She had grasped that much, at least, about his character. But... those eyes... that first image of dark against light haunted her when she thought of him. There had been no vulnerability in that gaze. But, Yuki considered, maybe hiding it was something he had perfected over time.

The thought of it only horrified her more.

The thing that made it worse was that Yuki knew what it was like to lose loved ones. She had been six when her own parents died. She knew how it felt to grieve, even at that age when she hadn’t fully understood. She’d had to get used to the days repeating themselves over and over and her mother and father not being there. But Kaname had stayed by her side throughout it all. For many years he’d held her hand or stroked her hair while she cried or whenever she was too scared to sleep. Until finally, though there was still a sadness in her that could never really be erased, it began to appear that Yuki had escaped from the ordeal relatively unscathed.

But Zero... what had happened in that boy’s heart that night four years ago?

Yuki needed to find out. She needed to make it better.

*

When she finally got back to her unpacking, Yuki could not remember the happiness she had felt earlier. She picked up one dress after another, placing each one on a hanger and then into her new wardrobe. When she came to the last dress, she almost didn’t realise that she had never seen it before. It was new, a gift from Kaname... He always brought her something back when he’d been away and he had been called out on some kind of important business trip the night before Yuki had left for Cross Academy.

The dress was adorable; made of pale pink silk with an intricate lace collar. She held it up in front of her, fingering the smooth fabric. She watched herself in the mirror on the back of the wardrobe door.

All Yuki had wanted for so long had been to get away... but had her life really been so horrible? Four years ago, Zero Kiryu had lain unconscious on the floor of his home, while the last of his human blood mingled with that of his dead parents... And where had she been? Safe in the Kuran manor, with everything she could ever want or need. Had not seeing the outside world really been such a terrible price to pay for the protection she received there? Yuki’s freedom, the only thing that had ever been denied her, had only been kept out of her reach this long so that she would not have to see the things that Zero had seen. This suffering was what Kaname, and her parents before him, had been hiding her away from all this time.

Yuki put the dress away in the wardrobe and went back to her bed. She sat, hugging her knees against her chest.

What was Zero doing now?

How was he feeling after what had been decided earlier?

Yuki had to put the thought from her mind. Dwelling on it would achieve nothing. It had been a long night but there were still a few hours of darkness left. It was strange to have her eyes confirm what her body could already feel. Yuki had adjusted so well to living in her windowless room that she knew when it was morning without needing to see. She could often pick out the faint scent of the dawn in the air. Now the night seemed to be peering in at her through the window. It unnerved her, somehow. She got up and closed the curtains. She would not go out tonight. Yuki could hear the wind in the trees, the chirping of crickets, the night time creatures like herself...

And suddenly the world seemed so huge! She was struck by the memory of the first time she had stepped outside; the sky – how big it had been. Yuki had realised – or perhaps Kaname had told her – it had to be that big in order to cover the whole world. But that moment had lasted only a few seconds before she had been hurried into the car, safe. She hadn’t understood and it was all quickly forgotten.

But now Yuki could see that immense sky in her mind. She could feel it around her and these rose patterned walls seemed like little protection... not from the sky itself, but from all it had witnessed. How many other Zero Kiryus were there out there? What other horrors had her kind inflicted on such innocents. Yuki tried not to think of how her kind weren’t even the whole of it.

But one thought Yuki couldn’t push away was how, by opening up her little world to new things, she had let in more than she intended.

And where was Kaname now? Where were the arms of the one who had loved and protected her above all else? She had sent them away and could no longer rely on them.

Yuki stood now in the centre of the room feeling panic rise up within her. She felt a sense of being in over her head, despite having barely begun. She looked wildly about the room for something she could cling on to, to stop her sinking any further. Her eyes fell upon the book she had thrown casually on the bed before. She stumbled forwards. Her fingertips grazed the front cover and a remembered feeling began to work its way up her arm. She clutched the book in those slowly warming fingers and brought it up to her chest, breathing in its scent – so much like home.

Oh the power of a beloved book! To lose those negative thoughts entirely was impossible at this moment, but Yuki held in her hands the gateway to another world and it gave her the power to push them away for now. She could not begin to face what had just happened at this moment. She needed to escape. So Yuki sank down onto the bed and pulled the covers up around her. Then she opened the book and lost herself inside.

*

When Yuki woke the next evening she felt numb. It was strange; she could remember what had happened clearly, but she could not feel it. It was almost as if she were floating slightly outside of her own body, like a balloon on a string tied to her wrist. She was aware of everything, but not fully there. She watched herself get up, get showered, get dressed and in that strange absent way she had adopted, she hoped that Kaien was around. She could do with some cheer.

But it was not Kaien who snapped her out of it. For when Yuki entered the kitchen in search of said Headmaster, there was Zero. And suddenly she was back inside her own body. She looked at him with startled doe eyes, lip trembling ever so slightly, and he looked back at her. All she could think about was a made up image of a silent, bloodstained boy, a few years younger, but with those same unnerving eyes.

It was impossible to tell for certain what he saw, looking back at her, but there was a certain tension coming from him which suggested that he knew what she was seeing in him at that moment. Somehow he knew that something in her heart had changed since he saw her last... and then the moment ended. Zero left without a single word and time sped up. Yuki had not even realised that it had stopped.

It was only later that Yuki realised that there had been no hatred in that look, perhaps Zero had been taken as much by surprise as she had. Only... his expression had not been devoid solely of hatred, it had been blank, empty. It disturbed Yuki that Zero still had his guard up at times like that.

Kaien was there.

“Are you okay?”

Yuki nodded, slowly.

There was food prepared, lots of it, all laid out on the table and ready to eat. Kaien was smiling. Yuki sat down and looked over the dishes set out before her. Kaien really seemed to find enjoyment in the challenge their opposite sleeping schedules presented when it came to mealtimes. What was his evening meal was Yuki’s breakfast. Kaien liked to cook to accommodate for that and as a result, Yuki was not quite sure what exactly it was she was about to tuck into, but it certainly looked interesting.

Yuki ate and her foggy mind began to clear. Kaien’s chatter slowly enticed her back to the present.

“What was Zero doing here?” she asked finally.

“Oh, he was only inquiring about something to do with his prefect duties. Nothing important.” Kaien sighed, “It’s a shame... he used to come here to eat from time to time, but lately...”

Yuki’s gaze dropped to the food on her plate. Her eyelashes brushed lightly against her soft cheeks. “He doesn’t want to eat with me,” she finished quietly. 

“Something’s really bothering you...” Kaien looked so horrified, it was comical. “I’m so sorry, Yuki. I should have known that Kiryu’s standoffishness would be upsetting for you. I know that you haven’t done anything wrong. Perhaps I could talk to him or something...”

“No. It’s not that... It’s more... After everything Zero’s been through, is it really okay for me to be here when it upsets him so much?”

“Yuki, of course it is!” Kaien answered fiercely, “You have your own perfectly valid reasons for being here and I very much like having you around. About what I said last night: I asked you to put up with Kiryu’s rudeness, but don’t think you have to carry the weight of his problems on top of that.”

Yuki looked up at the Headmaster and couldn’t help but smile a little at both his attempt to comfort her and his reassurance that to him at least, she was a welcome guest here. But the smile faltered quickly. She didn’t know what she could say to Kaien to explain why. Maybe it wasn’t her responsibility but the truth was that she really did want to help Zero, and it bothered her that she didn’t know how. Yuki didn’t think that this was a worry she could brush off very easily. But if she had to live with it then she would. Zero, after all, had to live with a lot worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from somedays by regina spektor)


	5. I know your heart is beating slow and out of time with mine

The last time Yuki had been outside the Academy in the dark had been the night she arrived. It seemed so long ago now, and in all her excitement and nervousness the night only remained as a blur in her memory. Now everything seemed fresh and sharp. The air was cold on her face as she stepped out of the house.

The grounds seemed so empty with the students all in their dorms for the night. Yuki forced away the looming sense of loneliness and strode forwards to explore the Academy. She wandered aimlessly. It was calm and quiet out but, thinking back to that first full night alone in the Headmaster’s house, it wasn’t the same. Yuki could not quite capture that serenity again and she knew it was because she had not truly overcome her feelings from last night.

Then she stepped off the path and into the trees. The night closed in on her and the world seemed suddenly smaller.  Yuki smiled in relief, at home in the darkness.

*

She had not been exploring for long when she heard a voice through the trees, "Stop! Ah! _Excuse me_!"

Yuki turned and looked around. It only took a second to spot the auburn haired girl that was following her. She was wearing a uniform, indicating that she was a student at the Academy.  She was still talking as she jogged through the trees to where Yuki had stopped. "Students aren't supposed to be out of their dorms at this time of-" the girl stopped upon getting a look at Yuki's face, "Oh... you're not a student."

Yuki stared at her for a few seconds then she grinned, happy to see a new face – especially a girl. "No I’m not – sorry to confuse you! I'm a guest of the Headmaster. My name is Yuki Kuran."

The girl stared at Yuki uncertainly. She seemed rather confused, but Yuki's friendly smile was hard to resist, "I'm Sayori Wakaba... but..."

"I guess nobody told you about me, huh? It doesn't matter, I'll explain later. It's just so good to have someone new to talk to,” It was so good that Yuki was babbling a little, but she was too excited to care. Her smile grew wider, if possible. “You can call me Yuki, by the way."

Yuki's eyes were brighter than the moon above them – Sayori couldn't help but smile back at her, "Then it's Yori."

Yuki laughed, “I’m so happy to meet you Yori! I hope we can be good friends.”

“Uh, of course, that sounds wonderful,” responded the bewildered Yori. _Just where did this strange girl come from?_ She wondered. Yori took in the sight before her with widened eyes. Yuki’s silky white dress and shiny shoes with tiny heels were very pretty, but not exactly normal attire for wondering about amongst the trees after dark. In fact there was something else about her that Yori was getting the feeling wasn’t normal, but it was difficult for her to put her finger on it. Especially with the way Yuki was smiling. She just seemed so... nice. Really, Yori couldn’t seem to focus very well on much else about her and with all the warmth emanating from the other girl, it didn’t really seem to matter too much what that strange something about her might be.

A puzzled look made its way onto Yuki’s features all of a sudden. “But Yori, what are you doing out here anyway? Isn’t it strange for hu- I mean for students to be out here in the woods at night?” Yuki blushed at her near slip up. Of course Yori didn’t know that Yuki was a vampire and, according to the rules of vampire society, she was not allowed to know either. Yuki was going to have to be a lot more careful if she was going to be spending more time around humans now.

 _Really? She wants to know what_ I’m _doing here..._ thought Yori, one eyebrow raised as she stared into round mahogany eyes. But the gaze Yuki was returning seemed nothing but genuine. _What an odd girl..._

“I’m a prefect at this Academy,” Yori explained. “It’s my job to patrol the school grounds at curfew and make sure everyone is back in their dorms.”

“A prefect...” Yuki murmured to herself. She’d heard something about prefects before hadn’t she? It was something Kaien said earlier... Yuki’s eyes widened suddenly as she remembered. “You must know Zero then! Are you a friend of his?”

Yori seemed quite surprised by the question. “I work with him as a prefect, yes, but... I wouldn’t go so far as to say we were friends.”

“Oh...” Yuki felt some disappointment at the answer, but she did not have much time to dwell on it as Yori went on with her answer.

“Zero is a second year and I’m only in first, so I don’t see him very often. Even on patrol, he works alone usually. It seems like he prefers to keep to himself. How do you know him though, Yuki?”

“I don’t really,” Yuki replied. She wondered if she’d been a bit silly to bring him up. But Yori did not look as if she thought so. “I just met him a few days ago and I was curious about him... So you mean he doesn’t have any friends?”

“Not that I’ve seen.”

“Same as me...” Yuki spoke so softly that Yori only just made out the words. She looked so sad as she spoke that Yori felt a sudden rush of sympathy towards the girl.

“Hey,” Yori smiled, tilting her head to the side a little to get a better look at the suddenly gloomy Yuki. “That’s not true. Didn’t you just ask me to be your friend?” Yuki peered up slowly and a hesitant smile formed on her lips. “If you think the Headmaster wouldn’t mind then you can join me while I finish up patrol. I can show you around the Academy.”

Yuki’s eyes lit up again. “That sounds wonderful. Thank you Yori!”

Yuki had never been especially adept at making friends. Kaname had always been her closest companion and everyone else that she knew had been a friend of his. Takuma Ichijo had always been especially nice to her – he was Kaname’s closest friend and she always looked forward to his visits. From everyone else, though, she got the impression that they only bothered with her because of Kaname. Her tutor, Hanabusa Aido, didn’t even bother to hide his frustration with her and the two often argued. So to receive this gesture of acceptance from Yori, whom she had only just met, warmed Yuki’s heart in a way she’d never known before.

The two girls exchanged cheerful smiles. “Come on then,” Yori said, “There are some really lovely gardens on my patrol route. I’m sure you’d like them.”

*

Yuki grew closer to Yori. She would accompany the other girl on her prefect rounds and sometimes they would talk quietly and others they would laugh in that same way Yuki had heard that first evening when she watched the setting sun sifting like glitter through the leaves of the trees. But even through those smiles she would think quietly to herself: has Zero ever laughed like this?

She often talked about Zero with Yori. Asked questions; his name always halfway from her lips, always in her thoughts. He was like a code to be cracked and if Yuki could figure it out then the dark fog veiling those eyes would lift and she would see what was inside.

Up close, he intimidated her, Yuki hardly ever heard him speak and the only communication between the two was in those deadly looks he sent her. Even those became less frequent as he got used to her presence at the Academy. But he never warmed up to her. He did his best to ignore her, but whenever she showed up the air around him would turn once more to ice.

Yori answered when Yuki asked questions about him, telling her how most of their schoolmates were scared of him. They had no idea what Zero was, even Yori didn’t know, but there was something menacing about his almost constant silence. He had no close friends, and he gave the impression that he wanted none. As a fellow prefect Yori was closest to him, but sharing the same duties was the height of their relationship.

“I never know what to say to him,” she confided in Yuki once, and there was something in her expression that seemed to confirm Yuki’s worries about him.

Sometimes, though, after Yori had wandered sleepily back to her dorm, she would see Zero by himself on one particular balcony. What he thought about up there seemed like the greatest mystery of all. He would stare into the night and though Yuki was sure he always knew of her presence, he would never acknowledge it. It was the closest she ever saw him to peaceful. Though, even from this distance she could see that those eyes of darkened lavender never changed.

Time went by and Yuki’s fascination never wavered. Every night she would be drawn to that balcony, to see if he was there and, if he was, she would watch him until she forced herself to leave.

*

Yuki found herself on that balcony one night. Yori had been too busy studying to attend to her duties and Yuki had been left to wander alone, with the image of Zero in that almost peaceful state clouding her mind.

So she had climbed a nearby tree and leapt across to that balcony, hoping some form of answer would await her there. But there was nothing... the Academy did not transform before her eyes into anything more than it had already been. The view was simply that of the trees surrounding the building and the sky above. The silver haired boy remained a mystery.

Yuki climbed up onto wall surrounding the balcony and looked down into the black depths below her. The wind blew her hair out behind her and chilled her bare legs, but she ignored it, wondering if there was something in the darkness that comforted Zero or if she was just imagining it all. She began to place one foot carefully in front of the other, making her way across the wall. She held her arms out at her sides as if on a balance beam. The wind pulled at her dress as she walked and tossed her long hair in all directions. Yuki could hear that same wind rustling the leaves of the surrounding trees and, over that, the faint cries of the night time animals. Above, the clouds were in constant motion, sweeping across the sky in a way that made the night seem truly alive. And as Yuki took all of this in, a faint smile on her lips, the tall school building shadowed her protectively as if to keep her safe from the thoughts that had plagued her several nights ago.

Was this what she had been looking for?

But Yuki was not allowed time to figure it out. She felt a hand wrap around her wrist and pull her down onto the balcony floor.

“Don’t do that,” snapped a gruff voice in her ear.

Yuki looked up, feeling shaken, and she had to admit there was quite a difference between the image of Zero she kept in her thoughts and the real thing glaring down at her. For a few seconds she got to know how it felt to experience Zero’s death glare at close range (unnerving, to say the least) and then he let go of her and quickly stepped back.

She found herself murmuring, “I wasn’t going to fall,” which prompted Zero to growl, “I’m not going to be held responsible if you hurt yourself, so don’t do it.”

“I’m sorry,” the response was automatic. Something about the way he was so suddenly _there_ had left Yuki slightly dazed. The animosity that radiated from him in her presence closed in on her. She wasn’t used to it being concentrated on her so fully. Yuki was too used to Zero trying to ignore her and this was the first time he had spoken to her directly since the night she had first arrived at the academy. Also, when Zero was this close, though he never said anything (and probably never would) Yuki could just tell that there was more to his anger than he was letting on. That it was something generated from pain, the likes of which Yuki had never known. And so the only words that would come to her lips were an apology.  

She wanted so much to say something to express to Zero how she felt; the need to help; her sorrow over all he had suffered... But Yuki knew she could not say anything. If she did at this moment he would only hate her more. She fumbled in her mind for the words that would make him forgive her for what she was, but of course, there was nothing.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Zero muttered, turning his face away.

Yuki didn’t know how she was looking at him.

“I...”

"Just go!” he snapped suddenly.

 Yuki continued to stare up at him and she realised that her eyes were pleading.

“ _Now!_ ”

She ran.

*

It was always like that: Yuki watching wordlessly as Zero fought the keep her out. Except... the word ‘fought’ implied some effort on his part, and his coldness seemed to come so naturally. Inspiration was in short supply for Yuki and she began to wonder if her plan to help him was a hopeless endeavour. No matter how often she saw him, nothing changed and there was nothing she could say to him that would break through his defences...

But he was always around! Yuki couldn’t even begin to think of giving up on Zero when every day she would catch glimpses of him through the trees in the grounds. Or she would walk in on him while he spoke to the Headmaster about prefect duties or the like. Yuki could not give up the hope that just to befriend him would be enough.

And so Yuki resolved to keep her emotions under tight control around him. It did no good to continue to think of him as a broken child to be comforted and looked after. Nothing had Zero running away faster than the sight of pity in her eyes.

Yuki began to speak to him as she would to Kaien or to Yori. Somehow, it took even more courage just to speak to Zero casually than it had to talk to him that night on the balcony. It began awkwardly: she’d run into him somewhere and find her mouth hanging open stupidly as she tried to think of something to say, but he’d be gone before the words would even come. He never bothered to hang around and as usual he tried not to look at her if he could, though she caught the occasional glare from the corner of one pale eye as he hurried past sometimes. But slowly Yuki gained confidence around him and gradually it seemed good enough to just be able to say ‘hello’ as he passed by. Even if he refused to say it back. This, Yuki thought, was surely better than doing nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from sorry about the doom – slow club)


	6. Everything you have loved has turned to stone

Yuki had never been the academic sort. She had a mild interest in science, but only the parts that didn’t go straight over her head. She enjoyed literature immensely, but thought it quite a shame to ruin a good book by writing an essay on it. She would much rather have lengthy conversations about her favourite novels with whoever she could get to listen to her – usually Kaname – she thought that a much more enjoyable way to go about the whole thing. 

Yuki’s passion – and talents – lay in music. When she was younger she used to enjoy putting on show for her parents and Kaname, but after her mother and father’s deaths, Yuki began to focus solely on her piano playing. It was something her mother, Juri, had begun to teach her and it felt important to Yuki that she continue to practice every day after Juri was gone, as though Yuki were keeping a part her mother alive with her somehow by doing so. It became a refuge for her, from all those bad thoughts, and later from the monotony of life trapped inside her own home. Kaname loved to hear her play and while he was away she would throw herself into practicing. It was always worse when he wasn’t there – she needed the distraction.

One evening, during a meal with Kaien, it suddenly struck Yuki that it had been weeks since she last played. She could not believe that she hadn’t thought of it sooner. She was used to playing every day.

Yuki asked Kaien right away if there was somewhere she could practice at the Academy and he happily replied that there was indeed, though only inside the school building. As long as no one else wanted it, Yuki was welcome to use the school’s piano.

Delighted, she decided to waste no time in finding the school music room. As soon as she finished her meal Yuki quickly made her way over to where the classrooms were. There was still an hour before curfew, when the building was locked, and Yuki hoped that no one else would be using the piano.

She found the music department without much difficulty, but it hardly mattered. Upon peering into the room with the piano in it Yuki found it was already occupied. A boy and a girl were both sat at the piano; the boy played a pretty tune, while the girl grinned at him fondly. 

Her initial disappointment faded quickly, though: the boy was talented and Yuki loved to listen to music as much as she loved to play it. She watched the couple for a few more seconds through the slightly open door then she sank down onto the floor with her back against the wall, a small smile on her lips as she listened to the music. 

In all the excitement of living somewhere new, meeting new people, doing new things, Yuki had somehow forgotten about this... The feeling that came over her when she listened to or played her favourite music had been the most wonderful thing she had – perhaps the only thing that kept her going – during the time she spent locked in that house. How could it have taken so long for her to miss it?

As the boy played, Yuki’s fingers itched to take over and she wondered if this would become a new routine for her – lurking outside the music room, waiting to steal away any precious minutes of practise time that the students of the school would allow her. As much as Yuki was enjoying being able to listen to the music, what she was waiting for really was her chance to sweep into the room and play for herself. And she got her wish when the girl said something about there still being time left before curfew and, soon after, the two emerged from the room. They barely even noticed Yuki’s presence as they set off down the corridor and out of sight.

Yuki grinned at her luck and hurried into the room. Sitting down at the piano, she was reminded of home in a new light. She remembered the feeling of playing a piece that she had been practicing for weeks while Kaname watched, smiling... how a grin would spread over her face as she finished and he would clap and tell her she had improved. Yuki spent so much time thinking badly of that house, but there had been good times. It was just easy to forget sometimes.

Yuki played a few notes and wondered when she would next see Kaname. Her life lately had been too full of excitement for her to really miss him, but as she began to play one of her favourite pieces, the familiarity of it had her playing as if to him. First she played a few classical pieces then moved on to some of her favourites to sing along to. Yuki loved singing. It kept her spirits up like nothing else. 

She became so absorbed in the music that she did not notice the minutes flying by and somehow it happened that the first time Yuki forgot about Zero since arriving at Cross Academy was also the first time he allowed himself to really pay attention to her.

It had surprised Zero to open the door of the music room, ready to tell whichever student was in there that it was time to return to their dorms, and instead find the dark haired vampire girl there.

First Zero blinked in surprise, and then he wondered what the hell was wrong with him. He could usually sense a vampire coming a mile off. But... at this moment this girl didn’t seem anything like a vampire. She was facing away from him so he could only see her face in profile, but Zero could see how completely engaged in the music she was. Her expression was entirely peaceful – serene even – something he had never seen on a vampire before. Zero had never been overly interested in music, particularly not anything like this girl was playing, but he listened to her then and her voice wasn’t powerful, but it was soft and sweet and maybe, just maybe, he found it somehow beautiful because there he was – frozen with one foot through the door as he watched her fingers move across the keys like it was the most natural thing to her in the world.

Yuki was not even aware of Zero’s presence until he stepped into the room and told her that the building was about to be locked up for the night. For a moment she simply stared at him, taken by surprise at his sudden appearance, then she jumped up and quickly closed the piano lid. “Oh yes, of course!” she said, as a blush spread across her cheeks. For some reason Yuki couldn’t quite bring herself to look Zero in the eye as she hurried from the room.

As she made her way out of the building Yuki couldn’t help but feel rather embarrassed at having been interrupted by Zero. She didn’t like the idea of someone who was always so cold towards her seeing her doing something that she was so passionate about. He must have thought she looked so ridiculous. But... was that really what Zero was like? He didn’t seem like the sort to care about such things. He probably hadn’t even been paying attention to what she was doing. After all, he did his best to ignore her every other time he saw her.

Lately Yuki had noticed that Zero seemed to be getting used to her presence at the academy, though it was little progress as he was still far from friendly towards her. But it was true that he seemed less hostile towards her now than he used to be. Just then in the music room, when he had spoken to her, he hadn’t even looked that angry. But it occurred to her (and really it seemed like the most likely thing) that he was so unreadable he could easily hate her just as much as he always had without showing it.

*

But Yuki refused to give up! Her heart was so filled with the hope that one day he would look at her and see, not a vampire, but the girl she really was. She wanted it so much it almost hurt. 

That night in the music room was a regular dwelling point for Yuki’s thoughts and she longed to ask Zero what he had heard. Though she was a little scared of what the answer might be. If there came an answer at all.

It was one evening as she stepped out onto the Academy grounds and saw a distant sliver head amongst the trees that Yuki finally asked. And she and Zero finally had their first conversation.

Zero had stepped out of the trees and onto the path by the time Yuki reached him and called a soft cheery ‘hello’. She felt she hid her nerves well as she smiled brightly at him. Zero acknowledged her greeting with a small grunt, refusing to meet her eyes. He made to continue down the path on his way to the school building without her, but she quickly fell into step with him. Yuki stared up at Zero, wondering if he would tell her off, but he was ignoring her, staring straight ahead – face as unreadable as ever.

She walked a few steps alongside him then, timidly, she began, “Zero...?” 

Yuki wondered if Zero was paying attention, then he sighed, a short huff of breath. “What is it?”

“I was just wondering... if you heard me playing the other day?”

“No.”

Yuki hesitated a second, “Oh... okay.”

There was an awkward silence. They continued to walk and Yuki wondered if Zero had answered a little too quickly. Perhaps with a little too much vehemence. But she didn’t want to press him and the silence continued.

She could see the school building now, where Zero was due to start his prefect rounds, and Yuki fumbled for a new topic.

“Zero, what types of music do you like anyway?”

This time he glared at her – apparently he wasn’t past that yet.

“What does it have to do with you?”

“Nothing, I was just wondering.” 

Yuki stared up at Zero with innocent eyes, but he was unimpressed.

“Don’t speak to me so casually.”

She still managed to be surprised by his bluntness. Yuki stopped walking as she tried to come up with a retort, but all that would come to her was the simple question: “Will you ever stop hating me?”

Zero came to a stop before the building and slowly turned to face her. Yuki noticed that his fists were clenched at his sides, but he spoke calmly, “Why should I?”

She looked at him, straight in the eye. Somehow she was ready for this question and she managed to answer him with equal calm, “Because I’m not what you think I am. I’ve been waiting for you to realise that, but it doesn’t seem to be happening. I’m not a monster, Zero.”

It took him a few moments to respond to her but Yuki couldn’t figure out what he was thinking in that time. She didn’t get the impression he was really considering her words all that thoroughly. After a short silence, he asked, “Why should you be any different?”

His gaze was so unforgiving; Yuki couldn’t hold it any longer. She looked down at her hands as she nervously wove a strand of hair between her fingers. She tried to express her thoughts in a coherent manner, “I can understand it a little, I guess... what a hunter must see in a vampire... always having to deal with the darker side of our species... But you’re a vampire too, so surely you must understand that that sort of thing is a choice you make for yourself?”

She peered up and the look that crossed Zero’s face then was the closest Yuki had seen to some kind of emotion from him. She didn’t understand the reaction and was tempted to ask about it until he said, “What... are you talking about?”

“Maybe I didn’t say it very well...” Yuki struggled to find the right words, watching for another flicker in his eyes. “Really, I just mean that I’m not like those other vampires... that kill humans. Honestly, I’d never even met a human until I came here.”

Zero’s face became unreadable again. “That doesn’t mean anything.”

“It does! Kaname’s the only person whose blood I’ve ever wanted. I don’t need anyone else’s. Isn’t that how it is for the rest of us? We aren’t monsters because we choose to love.”

His eyes narrowed as he looked at Yuki.

“Love stops us from being monsters? I don’t believe that.”

Zero turned and went to enter the school, then stopped and added, “Love only makes things worse.”

Then he went inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw I only recently read the VK fanbook and saw that Juri actually did play piano, so I’m quite happy to realise that this random little idea I had about AU Yuki being musical could be considered to be vaguely rooted in canon. Cool! Also I realise that Yuki being a bookworm is kind of against her her character but I figured it would be hard for her to be the same athletic tomboy when she’s never really been outside before the start of this fic. So having her be into reading makes sense to me. What else is she going to do with her time, really?
> 
> (chapter title from broadripple is burning by margot & the nuclear so and so's though i mixed up the lyrics a little bit)


	7. Darkness descends

Yuki stayed rooted to the spot as the world grew darker around her, until the stars began to spark to life in the vast sky above. She tried to wrap her mind around Zero’s words, but she could not get a grip on them and their meaning eluded her entirely.

What was Zero’s experience of love, that he could say such a thing?

Tentatively, Yuki asked herself: was it to do with a relationship he’d had in the past? And that gave way to wondering, what sort of person could Zero fall in love with? What sort of person could make him smile?

But, of course, Yuki was thinking about it all the wrong way. Smiling had nothing to do with it, if any experience of love could lead to him uttering such a statement as the one before.

Besides, Yuki had asked so many questions about Zero that Yori would certainly have said something if there had been someone, Yuki realised with some small, inexplicable measure of relief.

But somehow that conversation proved impossible to forget. It stayed on Yuki’s mind long after it ended, even more so because she didn’t get the chance to see Zero for several days afterwards. Some days it was just like that. He had a way of making himself scarce and whether it had anything to do with her, Yuki never knew, but she had her suspicions.

In the end, the only conclusion Yuki was able to come up with was that Zero’s was a very sad and lonely sounding opinion to have about love. And that only worried her more.

Yuki tried to plan out what she would say to Zero when the next opportunity arose, but the next time she saw him was one evening in the Headmaster’s living area and she was so taken by surprise that any plan flew from her head entirely.

Yuki had just woken up not long ago – later than usual. She had sleepily washed and dressed then stumbled into the living room to find Zero nodding off in an armchair.  She froze in the doorway, eyes wide, lips parted in a soft O of surprise.

Zero’s head was rested on his palm, arm propped up on the arm of the chair. His hair fell over his eyes, but under it Yuki could make out those silvery lashes resting against his pale cheeks. His mouth looked soft and relaxed and his breathing was slow and quiet.

Yuki watched him silently from the doorway. She found it hard to link the word peaceful to this boy, but that was almost what he was. And with lids lightly closed over those disturbing eyes, it came to her suddenly that Zero was undeniably beautiful.

Then his eyes opened slowly and a frown appeared on his face as he turned and looked up at the girl in the doorway.

“What is it this time?” Zero muttered.

Yuki blushed slightly, “Nothing.” She entered the room and looked around. “Where is Headmaster Cross?”

“Out.”

“You’re waiting for him?”

“Yes.”

Zero was looking at her stonily from the armchair as Yuki stood awkwardly in the centre of the room. It really was rare that Yuki found herself in a situation with Zero where he wasn’t running away from her. And on those occasions she found it terribly difficult to take her eyes off him. As she gazed down at him now she noticed how today he seemed to be much paler than usual.

“Are you okay?” she asked and his eyes became hateful.

“I’m fine,” Zero snapped.

Yuki settled herself into a chair and wondered how she should go about asking him about his words the other night. She fidgeted with the hem of her skirt for a minute then finally blurted out, “What you said the other night has been bothering me.”

Yuki watched Zero with worried eyes and he glared back at her without saying a word.

“You know what I mean, don’t you?” Yuki whispered, “You said something like that and now you won’t explain it to me?”

“I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

“Right, I get that, but... sometimes... I worry about you... even if you don’t want me to; I can’t help it.”

The was a moment of silence before Zero spoke again where Yuki became aware that she’d once again managed to say completely the wrong thing. Zero’s eyes blazed as he stared back at her.

“What is it you want from me?” There was no obvious change in Zero’s voice when he said it, but somehow Yuki could tell that something had snapped within him. That he’d come to the end of his patience with her. She could feel the anger begin to radiate from him. “You won’t leave me alone! You follow me, watch me, and ask me questions. You’re constantly calling my name – acting like you know me!”

Yuki could hear the strain in Zero’s voice as he struggled to control himself, but she felt she had to make him understand. “I _want_ to know you.”

Zero rose to his feet. He was looking away from Yuki now, his hair casting a shadow over his face. In a low voice he said, “I don’t care what you want. Just leave me alone. You have no right to worry about me, nor do you have any right to try to befriend me.”

He left then, his business with Kaien forgotten. Fists clenched, Zero strode across the room, wrenched open the door and walked out without a backwards glance.

Yuki got to her feet. Her eyes were stinging, tears threatening, but she wouldn’t let them come.

She wasn’t wrong. Yuki knew that at least. Zero spoke of her not knowing him, but he knew even less about her. It frustrated her to no end.

What would she do now, though? Obey his wishes and give up?

Oh, but a part of her despaired at the thought! Yuki hadn’t even known that part of her existed until this point, but now she realised that it was the very thing that had been driving her efforts to befriend Zero all of this time. And it had been there since the very beginning. Even before Kaien had told Yuki the truth about Zero’s past and asked her to be a friend to him... She had been drawn to him since the moment they met, she knew that now. When she had looked into his eyes that very first day, she had seen it: a faint spark of light within those stormy depths. It had called to her; a beacon, drawing her in and she couldn’t bear to let go of it.

It wasn’t something she understood, it was just something Yuki felt inside of her, an aching sadness, a longing hidden deep within her heart. Bits of it would break away and be pumped throughout her body in her blood and, from time to time, the sharp edges would prick at her from within and she would be reminded not to give up.

In that moment Yuki made her decision; she would go after Zero and tell him that she had no intention of giving up, that she was determined that, one day, he would see her for what she really was.

Yuki flew out of the door and hoped that Zero had not gone far – she did not want to lose her nerve in the time it took to find him.

Her worries, however, were unnecessary. When Yuki reached the hallway, she came to a sudden halt. Zero hadn’t even made it past the door.

The hallway was dark; twilight had passed and now the faint glow of the moon was visible through the window – it cast a square of pale light across the floor and onto one wall, partially illuminating a tear in the wall paper. It looked like someone had clawed at it. It was not a mystery who.

Yuki could make out Zero’s form in the darkness. He was slumped against that same wall in a shadowy corner. He was at the opposite end of the hallway from her, but she could hear his breathing even from that distance.  It sounded painful, ragged.

For the first few seconds, Yuki couldn’t move. She only stared in utter incomprehension at the sight before her. Zero’s hands were claw-like, clutching at his chest, his throat. She could see his face through the darkness, distorted in agony.

Then, in an instant, she was at his side.

“Zero?” panic shook her voice as Yuki fell to her knees beside him. She could see a thin layer of perspiration on his deathly pale skin. “Zero, what’s wrong?”

She reached for his hand, still clutched tightly at his throat.

“Don’t... touch me,” Zero growled through clenched teeth. Yuki could see the pain it caused him to speak. She could only stare at him in horror, her hand frozen in mid air.

“What is it?” she managed to whisper.  Zero turned to face Yuki then and glared at her more fiercely than ever. His eyes were the colour of blood.

Yuki inhaled sharply and withdrew her hand.

“Go. Away,” he said in the same agonised yet dangerous tone as before.

But Yuki couldn’t move, couldn’t tear her gaze away from those crimson eyes... because they told her what he never could. Yuki could see how strong Zero’s thirst had become and how much it took out of him to fight it. How close to losing control he was... The shame it brought him.

She opened her mouth as if to utter some words of comfort, but nothing would come.

“Leave _now!_ ”

Now Zero was baring her fangs at her in a snarl of rage so intense that Yuki fell back from the force of it. The unshed tears from earlier filled her eyes, for she saw now, that which had been hidden from her all along. Behind the rage and the hunger was a deep hatred for what he was; for being a vampire, for needing blood.

Yuki saw how wrong she had been for all of this time. There was no code to be cracked. To say that there was a dark fog veiling his thoughts from her implied perhaps that once it lifted she would find light and clarity beneath. But that was foolish. Zero’s agony was darkness itself. It was consuming him, driving him to the brink of insanity. That was something Yuki could never hope to understand.

She wanted to do something to help him, but he looked so beyond help.

Her voice cracked as she whispered, “I can’t leave you.” Yuki stared at Zero, desperately, willing him to understand.

Zero continued to glare at her for a few seconds more, then slowly the rage started to drain from his features and pain took over entirely. He’d given in, realising that fighting her was taking more strength than he could spare. It almost broke Yuki’s heart to see it.

And suddenly, out of desperation, she found herself drawing near to him saying, “Zero, it’s okay. You can–”

“Yuki.”

Kaien was there, smiling down at her. “I’ll take it from here... you go back to your room.”

Yuki almost refused, but when she looked back at Zero he had turned from her and that seemed to break some sort of spell over her. She stood, shakily and, without a word, she left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title is from darkness descends by laura marling)


	8. Was scared by the look in his eyes, like he’d already lost the fight

It seemed to take forever for the Headmaster to return. Yuki sat in the same chair that Zero had used earlier, with tears drying on her cheeks while the scene she had just witnessed replayed itself over in her mind. Zero’s face! That lovely face, distorted in such agony... How could Yuki ever begin to forget such a thing?

The thought of what Zero had been hiding all along hurt Yuki’s heart. She could feel those tiny hairline cracks along its surface now and she didn’t think she would ever be able to mend them. She wondered how bruised and broken Zero’s own heart must be and now she wondered this, not with curiosity, but with genuine despair.

Yuki hugged her legs close to her body just for something to hold on to.

The questions – was he alright? Would he make it through this? – twisted knots in her stomach, sent shooting pains through her capillaries. There was a tightness in her chest that Yuki almost couldn’t bear. But despite the questions the flooded inside her, when Kaien walked into the room, all she could manage to do was look up at him with anguished eyes.

“Yuki...” he said sadly. There was pity in his gaze, “I’m sorry to leave you alone after seeing something like that.”

But Yuki didn’t care about that – she wanted to know about _Zero_. She began to ask, “Is he...” but her voice cracked before all the words would come out.

Kaien answered anyway, “Zero has calmed down for now. I took him back to his room and told him not to go to classes tomorrow if he doesn’t feel better.”

Though it was supposedly good news, the words ‘for now’ rang in Yuki’s ears. Her head drooped forward causing her hair to fall over her eyes, obscuring them as she murmured, “But it will happen again...”

Kaien gazed at Yuki, his heart filled with a deep sadness for both of the young vampires in his care. “It’s likely,” he sighed, “I had hoped but... It seems that he isn’t taking well to the blood tablets.”

A horrible thought struck Yuki then and she finally looked up at the older man, forcing herself to voice it, “You said you took Zero back to his dorm room, but... if something like that were to happen again... are you sure it would be safe for him to be there – with so many other people?”

Kaien frowned at her, “Zero is a lot stronger than you’re giving him credit for.”

Nevertheless, he looked worried. Yuki shook her head, and spoke softly, “The way he looked at me before... it scared me. It was clear he’d lost some of his reason. I’ve never seen him lose his temper like that... It was my fault. He was only angry because of me. I pushed him too far...”

“Yuki, of course it wasn’t your fault. Zero has been having these attacks for months-”

“No! You weren’t there – you didn’t see!” There were tears in Yuki’s eyes now; she stared past the Headmaster, not seeing anything. “I said something to him that made him angry and he stormed from the room. When I went after him he was like that... He was fine before I spoke to him – he was sleeping!”

“You can’t blame yourself for something like this. Zero will be back to normal soon enough...”

Yuki turned to look straight at Kaien, her eyes wide and tearful. “It was his face after, though – that was the worst part. He was in so much pain, and not just physically... I could have spared him that, if only for a little while.”

Yuki pulled her knees up against her chest and rested her forehead against them. After a moment, she spoke again, “I could see that... if he ever hurt anyone, he’d never forgive himself.”

Kaien watched Yuki for a few moments, and then he sighed. “You’re right. It’s getting late now, but in the morning, I’ll see what I can do.”

*

The sun had disappeared fully behind the school buildings when Yuki spied Yori just leaving them. With all of the previous night’s events she had forgotten about meeting Yori as she usually did. Yuki hadn’t seen her at all yesterday.

“Yuki... hello,” Yori said upon seeing her. There was something off about the way she said it, despite the smile on her face. Yuki approached her friend.

“Hi... is everything alright?”

The two began to walk away from the school building, heading in the general direction of the dormitories. It was getting dark quickly tonight. A shadowy expanse of trees stretched out on either side of them as they walked.

“I’m not sure, really...” Yori murmured, “Have you seen Zero at all today?”

Yori had asked the very thing that had been bugging Yuki since she got up. Kaien hadn’t been around to ask for news on how Zero was doing so she had been hoping that she might find something out from Yori. It surprised her though, that Yori had brought it up without being asked.

“Not today, no,” Yuki replied, “He wasn’t feeling well last night... that was the last time I saw him. I was going to ask you if he was looking any better.” Yuki was feeling worried now, and there was a similar feeling displayed on Yori’s face that bothered her even more, “Is something wrong?”

“It’s just... Zero left from patrol early yesterday, which isn’t unusual in itself, but I haven’t seen him at all today... and he hasn’t shown up for patrol. I can usually find him hanging around somewhere, but there’s no sign of him today.”

The explanation didn’t seem that odd. Yuki had thought that Zero might not have gone to classes that day, but there was something not quite right about the way Yori was reacting to it. “Well, he’s probably sick...”

“Would you mind if I checked on him? Just to make sure that he’s alright? You could come with me. To be honest, I’m a little nervous about going by myself.”

Yuki hesitated. She longed to see for herself that he had got over what happened last night, but now she had to worry; what if seeing her made him worse? If he wanted her to leave him alone then perhaps that was what she should do. But there was a nagging thought in Yuki’s head that Yori was hiding something from her, and she wanted Yuki to come with her. Perhaps there was something important that Yori wanted her to do.

In the end, the desire to see Zero (just to check) was too strong and outweighed her doubts about going. She followed Yori towards the male dormitories.

“Do you know which room is his?” Yuki asked as they entered the building. She was feeling very nervous indeed, knowing for a start that they weren’t supposed to be there but also that Zero probably wasn’t going to be very happy to see her. What would he do when Yuki showed up in front of his door? Would he be angry again?

“I had to come here once before...” Yori replied without looking at her.

When they reached Zero’s room, Yori hesitated. Yuki couldn’t understand what had brought about her friend’s nervousness, but she had no time to ask about it before Yori raised her fist and knocked lightly on the door.

There was no reply from inside the room, but as a vampire, Yuki could sense Zero’s presence quite clearly. He probably sensed hers too, which was most likely why he was in no hurry to answer. Evidently, Yori had also taken into account the possibility that he might simply be ignoring them, for she knocked again and called out, “Zero...? Is everything alright?”

When once again there was no reply Yori turned to Yuki wearing a helpless expression. Yuki wasn’t quite so worried; there was nothing of that dark aura that had surrounded him last night. In fact she was certain now that he was simply trying to avoid _her_. Yuki didn’t know what to do. She was certain that if she said anything then it would only make Zero less inclined to come out. She was toying with the idea of leaving and letting Yori speak to him alone. But Yuki really wanted to see him for herself. Her hand itched to reach out and twist the doorknob to see if it would open... But it was just as she was thinking to herself about how – in the unlikely event that that actually worked – it was _definitely_ a bad idea, that she finally heard a noise from inside the room. There were footsteps and then the door opened just wide enough to reveal Zero’s towering form.

“What is it?” He demanded quietly, yet irritably, of Yori.

Yuki stood, awkwardly silent, a few feet to Yori’s left, but Zero didn’t look her way at all – though there was no question of him having noticed her. The tension around him seemed to have multiplied in his efforts to ignore her.

Despite this, Yuki used the opportunity to study his face to see if he really had recovered. His eyes had reverted to their usual lilac colour, his expression controlled as usual, but... there was something off about it. It could well have been Yuki’s imagination, but she felt so very _aware_ of that control he was exercising. Something had changed since the events of last night, when Zero’s defences had fallen away. But whether those defences had been damaged and were no longer as strong as they once were, or if it was because she finally knew what was behind them, Yuki wasn’t sure.

Yori, however, looked entirely relieved upon seeing him. She murmured in response to Zero’s question, “I just wanted to check...”

There was nothing in his expression to suggest that Zero understood why Yori had been so worried about him, but before she could finish explaining herself, he said in a bored voice, as if he had been expecting this reaction, “It’s alright.” And then he opened up the door a little wider to allow Yori to see in. Yuki peered inside the room and saw that it was completely empty apart from a few bags placed upon the bed. “I was packing. I’m moving back into my room in the Headmaster’s residence. So... I guess you don’t need to worry anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from hope in the air by laura marling)


	9. See the life I’ve had could make a good man bad

Zero was moving... Yuki stared at him, but still he refused to look at her. She and Zero were going to be living in the same building, only a few rooms apart from each other from now on. Yuki was stunned. If this had happened before last night, she would have hardly been able to believe her luck, but now she couldn’t help but feel worried. How would living so close to her affect Zero? How could Yuki stay out of his way if they were living together?

So lost in these thoughts was Yuki, that the most obvious question did not occur to her until she and Yori had left the boy’s dorm altogether. What had happened between Yori and Zero that Yuki did not know about? The way Yori had been behaving all evening suggested that she was hiding something from Yuki, and the way Zero had spoken to her before only seemed to confirm it. Whatever was making Yori so worried, Zero seemed to know about it.

But Yuki was positive that Yori did not know Zero’s secret. When asking all of those questions about him, Yori had never given any hint that she knew anything about it. And besides, if Yori had known that Zero was a vampire then surely she would have figured out that Yuki was one too.

In the end, the only thing Yuki could do was come right out with it. “Yori... there’s something you’re not telling me.”

Yori looked at the Yuki for a long moment. The conflict in her eyes was clearer now. Yuki was not sure that Yori wanted to keep whatever it was a secret, but Yori was not sure that she should tell either. After a while she relinquished a quiet sigh, “You’re right...”

“It’s something very awful, isn’t it?” Yuki’s voice was quiet and slightly hesitant. “Otherwise, you would have told me before.”

They had stopped walking now and were midway between the dorms and the school. Yori turned to Yuki and took her hand, clasping it between two of her own – a gesture of comfort... or maybe she was trying to draw strength from Yuki to go on with what she was about to say.

“I didn’t want to tell you before because I didn’t think it was my place. I don’t think Zero would ever have wanted me to know something like this in the first place. Now I think... you’ll be living with him so... perhaps I should say something. But I’m not sure how to even begin.”

Yori was staring down at their clasped hands, as if she was finding it difficult to meet Yuki’s gaze.

“Yori...” Yuki whispered, “Tell me... please.”

Yori’s eyebrows drew together in a pained expression. Yuki did not want to push too far, but the waiting was making her feel a little bit ill. Yuki managed to stay patient though and finally Yori looked up into her eyes and said simply, in a small voice, the words that finally broke Yuki’s heart, “A couple of months ago, before you came here... I found Zero in his room and... I think... It seemed like – like he was planning to kill himself.”

Silence followed.

Whether or not that information should have come as a surprise to Yuki was unimportant. Once her mind had processed it, her knees wanted suddenly to give out beneath her.

_My whole life has been spent in ignorance_ , Yuki thought, _and even now that I’m looking, I still don’t see._

There was a rule regarding purebloods; that they must never cry in front of others. Yet there were tears sliding slowly down Yuki’s cheeks now, and how many times was this that she’d cried openly over Zero Kiryu? She was too lost in thought to wipe those tears from her cheeks or hide them from Yori. But the other girl thought no worse of Yuki – how could she?

_He wanted to die_ , Yuki was thinking, _he wanted to die and I didn’t even realise._

To be fair to Yuki, despite it being very obvious that there was something wrong, Zero had done a very good job of hiding just what that something was. But Yuki was not thinking of that. She was remembering all the signs she had failed to understand. Zero hated vampires – all vampires, even himself. Especially himself. She had seen that last night – his self-loathing – and only now was she realising to what extent he felt it.

“Yuki...?” Yori whispered. Yuki finally remembered Yori’s presence.

“I’m sorry Yori,” She mumbled and tried to smile as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “I don’t even know him well but... it makes me so sad...”

“There’s no need to apologise... I know it’s because you care so much,” Yori answered softly.

“Hmm?”

“That’s the reason why I told you – because you care so much. I wasn’t going to say anything at first because I wasn’t sure and anyway it wasn’t really my business, but now I think that it’s best for you to know. I don’t really know Zero all that well... but I could see from the start that he was in a really dark place. I think that you might be able to help him. Perhaps if he had someone who really cared about him, then it would help somehow. I know that he is pushing you away now, but I also know that you wouldn’t give up with something like this. I’m sure that one day Zero will realise what a good friend you can be.”

Yori’s plan sounded simple enough the way she put it, but Yuki knew there was no point in explaining how much more difficult it would be in reality.

“Yori, what happened?” Yuki stared at her with such sad eyes that Yori wondered for a moment if she had been cruel in telling her the truth, but she quickly dismissed the thought. Surely it was for the best that Yuki knew now.

“You mean...that night?” The words were incredibly hard for Yori to force out. It was surely the scariest thing she had seen. “He had a gun – I don’t know where it came from or what happened to it. I’m assuming the Headmaster took care of it. I told him everything the first chance I got.”

Though Yuki felt sick at the thought, she didn’t say a word about the fact that she was fairly certain nothing had been done about the gun. She had seen it with her own eyes the night she came here.

Then she remembered something, “You said... you were there? You saw him...”

“He never actually fired the gun. That’s the only comfort I have about the whole thing... I walked in on him with it up to his head,” Yori’s voice was barely a whisper as she spoke. She was not looking at Yuki anymore and Yuki did not want to think about what sort of images her friend might be remembering at this moment. “As soon as he saw me, he put it down and left... I really can’t believe I got there in time. I’d been looking for him like tonight and his door was open. That’s the only reason I was able to walk in on him. He mustn’t have been thinking clearly at all. It makes me wonder if he was seriously intending to do it... who knows how long he could have been sat like that before I found him. But still, I’ll never know – if I had arrived a second later...” Yori couldn’t finish that sentence. The thought of it was too horrible.

Yuki’s eyes were horror filled at the thought of what Yori must have been through. For her to carry all of this for all of these months and not say a word – for it was quite obvious that Yuki was the first person she had told since the Headmaster. She could see the relief in her eyes at finally getting it off her chest.

“Yori... that must have been terrible. I can’t imagine how I would have dealt with such a thing.”

But Yuki felt now that that same weight Yori had dealt with had transferred onto her shoulders. She wondered what on earth she was going to do now.

*

Zero stepped out of the building that had been his home for the last year and a half, carrying all of his possessions within just a few bags. The Headmaster had come to him earlier to tell him about his concern regarding Zero staying in the dorms. And though Zero hated the idea of what little privacy he had being snatched away from him (particularly because of the certain someone – no, make that the two people – he was losing it to) what could he say in protest? The way things were going, the Headmaster had every right to be worried, though it annoyed him immensely to admit it.

As Zero stepped out into the night he felt _her_ presence again, almost instantly. That pureblood aura was always impossible to ignore. It really was sickening.

At first he couldn’t see where she was, but as he made his way towards the Headmaster’s residence she came into view. She was still with Sayori Wakaba and the two were currently blocking the pathway he wanted to use. Naturally, Zero opted for cutting through the trees rather than interrupting their conversation. Neither of them seemed to notice his presence, absorbed as they were in their conversation. As he glanced at them through the trees, Zero noticed that the two seemed rather upset about something. Looking closer, he saw that there were tears shining in the pureblood’s eyes.

Zero really hoped she wouldn’t notice him. If she wasn’t always so preoccupied with obsessing over things that were none of her business, then she would no doubt have noticed his presence as easily as he did hers. He just hoped that she wouldn’t look his way now, because he had seen the look on Wakaba’s face earlier and it didn’t take a genius to figure out what those two were talking about now. He didn’t want to see the pity in those eyes. He didn’t think he could deal with it. Not now. After all, no matter what she told him, Zero knew exactly what her ‘concern’ was generated from – boredom. Really, what else could it be? It was so like an arrogant pureblood to toy with someone else’s life for her own amusement.

For a minute Zero walked on through the trees, facing forward, determined not to look her way, no matter what. But he had only walked a few steps before the shame overcame him. Who was he kidding? That ‘arrogant pureblood’ wasn’t the one who had nearly lost all control the night before. In fact she remained frustratingly innocent – if it weren’t for the way she only ever showed up at night and, of course, that damned aura, it would be pretty hard to tell that she even was a vampire.

Zero walked on and his thoughts drifted back to how they were going to be living together after tonight. He wondered how he was going to deal with her always being so close, when right now he couldn’t even look at her. As he thought about the ridiculous situation, he had to laugh a little - though the sound that escaped his lips was a bitter one.

“Why do these things happen to me?” he muttered to himself. He stared ahead through the trees, trying to compose himself. But the thoughts wouldn’t leave his head, “It’s not as if I deserve a simple life, but...”

_Have I not suffered enough already?_

Zero’s gaze drifted slowly down to the fallen leaves beneath his feet and he stood still for a few silent seconds. Then the hand which hung loosely at his side folded into a tight fist as he forced that thought away and carried on towards his destination.

*

He let the bags fall, with a soft thud, to the floor in the centre of the room. Then Zero crossed the distance to his old bed and flopped down onto it. He didn’t feel like unpacking. He had homework, but he didn’t feel like doing that either. He just wanted to sleep. Somehow, he was always tired these days. His eyes drifted closed and he hoped for a dreamless sleep.

But not five minutes had passed when there was a knock at the door. “Kiryu, can you come out here for a minute?” he heard the Headmaster call.

For a few minutes Zero lay still, toying with the idea of ignoring the older man, then, moving slowly, he did as he was asked. At least _she_ wasn’t back yet; otherwise he might not have been so cooperative.

He stepped into the kitchen where Kaien had gone to wait for him.

“What is it?” Zero muttered.

“Have you settled back into your old room? It’s not so bad being back here, is it?” Kaien said brightly. As usual, Zero failed to share his guardian’s optimism. Zero ignored Kaien and pulled out a chair at the kitchen table. He sat, folded his arms on the tabletop and rested his head on them, waiting for the Headmaster to get to the point.

“Though I suppose it will be a little different than before, what with Yuki staying with us...”

“How long is she going to be here for, anyway?” Zero said gruffly, his voice muffled by his arms.

“Yuki is welcome to stay for as long as she wants. I’m happy to have her,” Kaien replied and Zero raised his head slightly to glare at him.

“Ah, Kiryu, don’t look so scary! It’s not like I can turn her away... actually Yuki is the reason I called you out here, I wanted to talk to you about her before she gets back.”

Zero sat up so that Kaien could feel the full force of his glare; he did _not_ want to talk about her. But Kaien just sighed, seemingly serious now, “What happened yesterday upset her a lot, more than it should have done, I’m sure. Whatever your feelings about her are, she seems to care about you a lot. She even blamed herself for what happened to you.”

“She can think what she likes, what does it have to do with me?” said Zero in a low voice.

“I’d just like it if you could give her a break. Don’t look at me like that! Someday even you will have to admit that she doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. For now I’m just asking you to go easier on her while she’s staying with us. It would make life a lot simpler for all of us if you did.”

Zero was about to make some sort of angry retort to the Headmaster’s request but he had barely opened his mouth when he heard the sound of the door out in the hallway opening and closing. The words he had been about to say were forgotten. She was back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from please, please, please let me get what i want by the smiths)


	10. I am awake to feel the ache

The room was mostly dark, lit only by the single lamp on the table in the corner. Yuki liked it like this, liked the way the lamplight cast a faint yellow glow over the objects of the room. It made the shadows seem warmer somehow. She felt she needed the comfort of it.

Yuki felt somewhat emotionally exhausted. These last few days had been too much for her. She hadn’t expected it to be like this; tears falling, grasping for something out of her reach and shrouded in black mist, the helplessness of it all... How very sad it made her. No, she hadn’t been prepared for that at all.

She rolled over on the living room floor next to the Headmaster’s old record player, listening to the comforting wail of one of her favourite singers. The song was a sad one, but it suited her mood. It seemed to settle into her skin so that she could feel every note. They felt almost heavy... or was that just her heart? It was hard to tell. Everything was blurring at the moment, but that was what she wanted anyway.

Yuki wanted the song to fill her head so that she wouldn’t have to think of those things for just a little while. She just wanted to forget about everything, to dull those pricking sensations in her blood vessels. She lay with her eyes closed, focusing on the music. For a little while, the reason for her melancholy seemed lost amongst the sounds, but it didn’t last. Was that a footstep? ...Yes, that presence was unmistakable. Yuki raised her head and stared up into pale violet eyes. For a moment, her heart sped up, but Zero quickly averted his gaze.

In an apathetic tone, he asked her, “Do you always make such a racket when others are trying to sleep?”

That was new, that tone, it was almost polite coming from Zero. Though, knowing him, he probably hadn’t intended it that way. Yuki stared at him in surprise for a few seconds, then his words sank in and her eyes widened. She sat up and fumbled to turn the music off. “Sorry,” she mumbled, “I didn’t realise”

Yuki often played music at night, once everyone else had gone to sleep and she was left alone. She had thought a few times about going to going to sleep earlier so that she could try getting up during the day, but unless she planned on attending classes, there wasn’t really much point in doing so, as no one was about then anyway. Truthfully, Yuki didn’t mind things the way they were. Kaien had no problem with her playing music when she wanted and she made sure to keep the volume low enough that it wouldn’t disturb him. But she hadn’t taken into account that Zero’s room was a lot closer than Kaien’s and evidently, Zero _had_ been able to hear her.

Feeling rather uncomfortable, Yuki rose to her feet. She thought that she had got used to being around Zero, but these last few days had changed everything. She didn’t know how she should act around him anymore. Yuki waited a few minutes, eyes cast downwards, and expecting him to leave now that she’d turned the music off. But Zero stayed where he was. Shyly, Yuki raised her eyes up to peer at him. He stood a few feet away from her, not moving or saying a word. He was staring right past her and there seemed to be a hint of annoyance in the way his mouth was set. Yuki wondered what was coming next.

But the moments passed in silence and eventually she forced herself to speak first, “Is there something...?”  
She trailed off; cutting her sentence short when Zero finally looked at her, but his eyes darted away almost at once.

“No... It’s nothing.”

It was a lie. Of that, Yuki was sure. It was most definitely not nothing. As mysterious as Zero was, Yuki had come to realise that when he had something to say, he could be very blunt about it. Right now, it struck her as very odd that he chose to remain silent when his behaviour indicated that there was something he wanted to say to her. She was curious, very curious, but she had lost what little courage she might have had to question him before and instead remained silent.

And with that, Zero turned and left the room.

*

After that first night when Zero moved back into his old bedroom, Yuki took to listening to music on headphones, or reading so that she would not disturb him again. There were a lot of things regarding Zero that Yuki had failed to pick up on in the past, but now she tried her best not to do too much that would aggravate him. She didn’t want to feel as though she was walking on eggshells around him, but she couldn’t help it. She sometimes felt so scared that there would be a repeat of that night. Even if it was inevitable, she truly wished that he wouldn’t have to feel that sort of pain again.

But, Yuki’s efforts hardly seemed to matter, for she rarely even saw Zero anyway. It seemed that he had become even more determined to avoid her now than he ever had before. He stayed out late into the night, patrolling much later than was necessary. It saddened Yuki, but there was not much she could do about it. She was past plotting now. She would simply have to hope that, over time, Zero would come to accept her.

*  
For Zero, eventually, staying away seemed pointless; because all he would ever do was wander aimlessly through the grounds, making sure no one was out after curfew, when no one ever was. Or if they were, it was only usually a few minutes later than they should be and they were already on their way back to their dorms anyway. So he and Yori never needed to spend that much time patrolling.

Now Zero was effectively breaking school rules himself, as he had no purpose wandering about through the trees or trying to doze off on that one balcony he liked (which, actually, had never been quite the same since the night he had found her there). Before he moved back to the Headmaster’s rooms, he would always return to his dorm as soon as he could, rather than wandering, alone with his thoughts, the way he did now. Zero’s thoughts were the same wherever he went; at least in his room, they were accompanied by the hope that tonight he might sleep.

To fall into a long, dreamless sleep was all Zero could hope for, most days. But it was rarely what he got – and when he dreamed, it was always of that woman and that night, all those years ago. Most nights, wondering which it would be this time – oblivion, finally... or the vivid reminder of the night his life fell to shit – was enough to keep him wide awake, anyway.

Lately, Zero was starting to prefer sleeping during the day. He found that the dreams bothered him less then. But he was disturbed a little by what this new habit seemed to represent – as if the thirst alone wasn’t enough, now he was picking up their sleeping habits too.

For a while, it had helped a little if he visited the shooting range at night. It kept him occupied, until he was exhausted enough to sleep properly. But the activity grew tiresome quickly and seemed best saved for when Zero was feeling particularly stressed out.

So what did that leave, other than to return his room early? Even though he knew that she would be nearby if he did.

Zero had noticed that ever since the night that he’d told her off for playing that wailing music, she had been careful not to disturb him again. But he had found that it didn’t make a difference. Zero knew she was there and that was what bothered him. The reason he stayed out so late was to avoid her, but he was not succeeding, not when he would lie awake in bed afterwards and hear her moving about, turning the pages of a book, humming a line of a song absently to herself... Zero should have been able to sleep through that, but he couldn’t, he was too on edge.

So, one night, he simply gave up. He stopped in the middle of the path he’d been trudging through the trees and thought to himself: what was the point, anyway? Trying to avoid her was taking more effort than it was worth. Zero was tired of it all, of everything. He turned on the spot and started back towards the house, defeated.

As he walked, Zero thought about another thing that had been bothering him lately. It was to do with what the Headmaster had said about being nicer to her. Though that was the last thing he wanted to do, he couldn’t help remembering the night that he had caught a glimpse of her crying. He hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but when he thought about it after, it did seem odd. What Zero knew about purebloods was this: they were arrogant, prideful and the worst type of vampire. They could tear a person’s life apart without giving it a second thought. He’d seen one crying before; that woman, Shizuka Hio. When he saw her, that day, with tears running down her face, Zero had had no way of knowing what was about to happen to his parents, to Ichiru, but he had found it nonetheless disturbing. But what he had seen the other night, through the trees, was different. The young pureblood’s eyes had displayed her every emotion with painful clarity, in an almost naive sort of way, while the tears fell unchecked down her cheeks. He’d never known a pureblood to behave the way that girl did. So when Kaien told him that she was upset and blamed herself, Zero was ever so slightly inclined to believe him.

But this didn’t change anything between them. Of course it didn’t. Just because she was different in some ways didn’t change the fact that she was a pureblood. And Zero hated those vampires more than any other kind. Despite this, there was one thing he couldn’t lie to himself about. The incident the other week, where he had lost control of himself, had a lot less to do with her than she seemed to think. Zero was a ticking time bomb these days. It had happened before and would happen again, whether she was there or not. So what exactly was bothering him was whether or not he should tell her this.

When Zero reached the house, he paused at the doorway. As much as he loathed the idea of starting a conversation with the vampire girl, he knew that if he just got it over and done with now then that would be one less thing to bother him where she was concerned. So, rather than heading straight for his own room, he decided to find her. Zero could hear her moving about in the kitchen, so, his expression grim, that’s where he went.

When Zero entered the room, she was still for a moment, then she span around to face him, wearing a look of surprise on her face.

“You surprised me,” she said quietly – in case Zero hadn’t noticed the obvious, perhaps. Her cheeks began to flush slightly. “I thought you were the Headmaster... I didn’t think you’d be back so early.”

Zero frowned at her from the doorway. Was she really this much of an idiot? He sighed and asked a question that had been bugging him for a while now, “Do you really not sense me coming? Or do you just not pay attention to anything?”

Her blush deepened and she laughed nervously, “I’m pretty absent minded, I guess...”

Zero looked at her for a few seconds; she had definitely started behaving differently around him. Though she tried to be cheerful, her discomfort was obvious. He could see what she was thinking: one wrong move and he’d lose it.  
It was almost laughable. Despite his efforts to ignore all of her prodding and poking into his life, almost everything was out in the open now. And look at how the truth disturbed her more than she’d ever thought it would. She had thought that he was just some pathetic boy who’d lost his parents, she hadn’t realised that over time that boy had become a monster... one who was never going to be tamed... or saved, whichever way you chose to look at it.

“I... I was making tea... would you like some?” her voice was soft, uncertain but it was enough to snap Zero out of his thoughts. He realised that she was staring back at him intently and he finally looked away. He shook his head in answer to her question. Then he gritted his teeth. He would have to say it now, if ever.

“About... that night...” Zero could feel her eyes on him and that made it harder to say, but he had made the decision to tell her, so he forced the words out anyway, “It wasn’t your fault.”

He couldn’t look at her, so there was no way to tell what her reaction was. In fact, Zero was sure he didn’t want to know. He was glad that she wasn’t saying anything in response.

“I just thought you should know,” he added and, after that, he couldn’t stay any longer in that room.

Zero turned to leave but, just as he stepped out of the room, he heard her soft voice murmur, “Zero... thank you.”

He hesitated for a second, and then walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from field below by regina spektor)


	11. And you wonder if you are alive, and you’re not sure if you want to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take the chapter title as a warning for the content that’s to follow. It’s quite a bit darker than I’ve written so far. If you’re sensitive to this sort of subject then please tread carefully or else message me and I’ll fill you in and tell you where to skip to.

After that, Zero started returning to the Headmaster’s quarters for meals before he started his prefect duties. While he was hardly embracing Yuki’s presence now, he had decided to take advantage of the fact that the girl seemed to have learned some tact since the night he had snapped at her. He found it more convenient to return there for meals. Though the cooking itself left a lot to be desired, he’d never liked company much – at least here there was less of it. So now, he simply sat across the table from Yuki and tried to avoid eye contact. It was awkward, but that was mostly on Yuki’s part – she didn’t know what to do with herself, but Zero was determined to act as if everything was completely normal, as if Yuki wasn’t there at all. It was easier that way.

Tonight, he felt her eyes boring into him as he picked at his food (it was worse than usual, but had little appetite for it anyway; it was a different sort of hunger that bothered him the most). Without thinking, Zero raised his eyes to meet hers, and wasn’t it obvious what she was thinking? He should have known that she would make more out of his words the other night than he intended. Zero could see her now, trying to figure out if his opinion of her had changed any. Well, he had no intention of helping her out with that.

Zero stood suddenly and, as an excuse to get away from the table, muttered, “I’ll wash up, if you’re all done.” Then, without waiting for an answer, he grabbed the plates and headed towards the kitchen. Before he left the room he heard Kaien make a cheery comment about him being _so helpful_. Zero rolled his eyes; perhaps he should have just left to start prefect duties instead.

In the kitchen, Zero scraped off the plates then dumped them into the sink. As he waited for it to fill up with hot water, his eyes fell on the knife that was left on the counter, where the Headmaster had been chopping vegetables. He could see his pale, tired face reflected back at him in the shiny surface of the blade. It reminded him that there was one thing, at least, that he was sure Yuki had not found out about.

When Zero was fourteen, he had stood in this very room and cut open the artery in his arm with a knife just like the one he was looking at now. The kitchen had been stained crimson that day... he remembered it often, but mostly with a feeling of bitterness regarding his own naivety at the time. Of course it hadn’t worked. It took more than a kitchen knife to kill a vampire, after all.

The knife before him now was only a replacement for the one he’d tried to end his life with, but it reminded Zero of the incident all the same. Back then, the transformation was just beginning to take its toll on him and he hadn’t wanted it any more than he did now. He had felt the thirst inside of him and when he caught his reflection in that knife that had been left out, he had _hated_ what he saw.

Zero had not wanted to live, not since the day he had come here. Back then, he wouldn’t speak, wouldn’t eat, as if he thought that, by denying his existence, he might fade away to nothingness, and his grief stricken heart would grow transparent and soundless – ghostlike. But it didn’t work like that and, besides, it had hurt too much. Oh, how it had hurt... And it had kept on hurting and every time that heart beat, it would grow colder – until it was shrouded in ice and he was numb.

Before the numbness, Zero had felt everything: the loneliness, the growing self-loathing, the excruciating memories. It was too much. Even the feel of that woman’s fangs on his neck still lingered, drove him to near madness and to tear at the skin there with his fingernails until they were bloody. The physical pain was a relief; it distracted him, at least a little bit, from his terrible thoughts, until finally, he learned how to shut them out.

That day, Zero had stared at the knife and the idea had suddenly come to him. He was where he was now because of the choices made by others; everything he had lost had been taken away by another’s hands, but now he saw how he could finally take control of his own life, and how he could end his suffering along with it.

Zero had picked up the knife and looked again at the reflection of his eyes, darkening now, with hatred at what he saw. And suddenly, he had been unable to look any longer; he had raised his arm before him and cut deep.

Afterwards, as the knife fell from his sticky fingers to the floor, with a clatter that he didn’t even hear, there had been _so much blood_ , but Zero had been in no state to notice it. Dizzy, he had stumbled back against the kitchen counter and slid down to the floor, where the blood began to pool around him. Barely conscious, there had been one thought in his head: _now, release... finally..._

_...please..._

By the time the Headmaster found him, the wound was already beginning to heal.

A week after that, there was barely even a scar left.

Well, what had he expected?

Zero wasn’t human anymore.

*

Yuki entered the kitchen to find Zero already washing up. She watched him for a few seconds. At the table before, she’d been unable to figure out what sort of mood he was in, but she figured that it wouldn’t hurt to offer him a bit of help. And, indeed it didn’t, for when she asked, Zero simply grunted at her to, “Go ahead.” So she stepped up beside him and quickly got to work drying up.

He was being more tolerant of her, Yuki decided. For the most part, it seemed that Zero was simply trying to make things easier on himself. It also helped that she was trying her best not to do too much to annoy him.

But that night Zero had told Yuki that he didn’t blame her for what happened to him was something different entirely. At first, she had wondered what could make him say such a thing, and had looked for any signs that he was feeling friendlier towards her. But she knew all along that it couldn’t be the case, there was simply no reason for Zero to change his mind about her so suddenly. After a while, Yuki had realised that it was guilt. Zero had been ashamed of his actions and that was all.

Still, even if it was just guilt, Yuki could not help but feel strangely happy about the fact that Zero had done something nice for her because of it.

Suddenly Yuki realised something. This was it. This was the very thing she’d been trying to figure out about Zero since she came here. She’d always felt inexplicably drawn to him, and she had been sure that it was because of something buried deep inside of him that she had only ever managed catch a small glimpse of. But now Yuki thought she might have figured out what it was: his kindness. It was a strange thought, this hostile boy having some form of kindness inside him, but somehow it seemed to fit.

The thought of it filled Yuki’s heart with hope.

When Zero muttered something about going to start his prefect duties, Yuki gave him a brilliant smile and told him she’d finish up here in the kitchen.

After he left, Yuki thought about how she hadn’t been trying to get a reaction a out of Zero with that smile, but she couldn’t help but help but feel satisfied with the surprised look on his face when he saw it.

Perhaps they were both starting to see new sides to each other.

*

Yuki was headed towards the living room with a new book to read, when Zero came back. She greeted him cheerfully and received the usual grunt in reply, but she did not mind the lack of enthusiasm – Yuki was still in rather a good mood from earlier. She smiled happily at Zero – though, he wasn’t looking at her, so her smile was for nothing – and she was just about to enter the living room when she smelled it: the faintest whiff of blood. She saw, as Zero walked past her, a thin line of crimson, contrasting with the pale skin of his hand. It was only a scratch, but for some reason, Yuki found herself murmuring “Oh, you hurt your hand.”

Zero turned, wearing a blank look (no difference from usual, there), then pulled back his sleeve to look at his bleeding hand. Then he said quietly, “It’s nothing. I must have caught it on a branch as I was walking.” Apparently, he hadn’t even noticed it.

“Oh, right, of course.” Yuki felt a little embarrassed about bringing it up, she wasn’t sure why she had. “Perhaps you should put something on it...”

Zero gave her a strange look. “It’s just a scratch – it’ll heal soon.”

Yuki stared at the crimson liquid that was drying on the back of his hand, feeling a blush rising on her cheeks. Without responding, she quickly turned and went into the living room, her face hot.

The smell of Zero’s blood was not completely unfamiliar to her, as she’s been living near him long enough to be used to it. But this was the first time she’d smelled it freshly spilled, and the slightly increased potency of it made her realise something: it was a scent she rather liked.

Yuki was using blood tablets while she stayed here, so that her thirst wouldn’t be an issue. So, of course, the scent didn’t really bother her physically (other than the silly blushing) but she found herself rather confused and embarrassed about it.

The fact was that she really shouldn’t be thinking those things about Zero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from a poetic retelling of an unfortunate seduction by bright eyes)


	12. There’s nothing here that you’ll miss

Time passed and Yuki barely noticed it as it flew past her. Since coming to live at the Academy, she had settled into certain routines, eating meals with Kaien, talking with Yori, playing piano every now and again, reading and listening to music through the night. It didn’t sound terribly fascinating, but Yuki never grew tired of it. And she was certain that that had a lot to do with Zero’s presence in between these regular events.

During this time, Yuki often tried hard to convince herself that her reaction to the scent of Zero’s blood was nothing out of the ordinary for a vampire. But it was no use. When she thought about it, she could barely even recall the smell of Yori or Kaien’s blood and in their presence she just didn’t notice it. With Zero, it was completely different, she was always aware of it and if she saw him at a time that she hadn’t taken her blood tablets, it even tormented her a little. Every time this happened, she prayed that he wouldn’t notice. If he ever found out, she was sure that he would hate her for it.

However, after the initial surprise of it, Yuki quickly learned to hide her embarrassment and it simply became one of many things that she had to get used to when it came to living with Zero. In the beginning, she had been so awkward around him, never knowing if something she might do or say would upset him, but the feeling came less and less frequently with time. Fairly early on, Yuki had walked into the kitchen to find Zero sat by himself and, in her awkwardness, she had surprised herself by bluntly asking if she was bothering him. But Zero had simply rolled his eyes and told her that he didn’t care what she did anymore. Though it had seemed less than reassuring at the time, after that Yuki started to relax a little around him. They both seemed to grow more comfortable in each other’s presence. Mostly, they sat in silence, opposite sides of the room, Yuki with headphones covering her ears and Zero half-heartedly completing a homework assignment. But they spoke sometimes, if only rarely.

Once Yuki noticed that the book Zero was reading for his literature class was one that she had read herself only a few months ago and rather enjoyed. She was delighted when, upon asking his opinion of it, he actually seemed somewhat willing to discuss it with her. However, she was not so naive that she believed he really enjoyed talking to her about such things; she got the impression that he was simply humouring her for the sake of the peace that had formed between them in them in the last few weeks. But she didn’t mind, it was something, at least, that he no longer wanted to fight with her. Yuki was sure that, had they been forced to live in such close quarters from the start, things would not have gone so smoothly.

*

There were some elements, though, of living with Zero that continued to upset her. Yuki was sure that he was not sleeping. There were enough signs that she had suspected it for a while, but it was confirmed late one night (or early morning, perhaps), when Zero came and sat with Yuki in the living room, much to her surprise. He said not a word as he entered the room and flung himself down on the couch opposite from her.

As handsome as Zero was, he looked terrible (though there was something about vampires that enabled them to pull off the sleepless look rather well) – or rather, it was clear that he felt that way. Between this and the other things he had to deal with, Yuki was beginning to feel more worried about him than ever.

“Zero...” Yuki said softly, “You always seem so tired these days... I hear you moving around some nights and now you come here... What’s wrong? You don’t usually spend time around me if you don’t have to.” As she said the last sentence she tried to smile, but it faltered as she watched him. Zero’s face was trying to retain its usual composure, but she could see the vulnerability peeking through the cracks in his usually impenetrable facade of indifference.

Yuki whispered, “Why don’t you sleep at night?”

At first, Zero was determined to keep up his silence. The look he gave Yuki was meant to tell her that that question was not allowed if she wanted to keep up the small amount of peace they had managed to form between them. But Zero could feel his defences weakening and, at the back of his mind, he knew it had been a mistake to come out here, because he was beginning to wonder: if the words left his lips and fell upon the ears of another, then would any portion of these tormenting thoughts leave with them? Would it make it all any easier?

It tortured Yuki to watch as Zero’s eyes fell away from hers. His silver lashes dropping to brush against his pale cheeks, while his eyebrows drew closer together in an expression of pain... and of terrible sadness.

When he finally spoke, Zero’s voice was lower and more vulnerable than Yuki had ever heard it. To hear him this way was almost scarier than if he had shouted at her. “When I try to sleep...” Zero said, “I always see _her_ face.”

Yuki’s wide eyes were glued to the strangely fragile looking form before her, and her voice trembled slightly as she asked, “Whose face?”

There was a pause before Zero answered, “...Shizuka Hio.”

The pureblood vampire who had killed Zero’s family and robbed him of his humanity... Yuki had never been told her name, but it was clear from the hatred that laced Zero’s voice when he spoke of her, that this was who he meant.

Yuki couldn’t speak, couldn’t think of what to say. She continued to stare, almost in horror, at his slumped form. Every inch of him was screaming now of just how broken he was on the inside. What could she possibly say to make this better? There was nothing... words just wouldn’t do.

Yuki rose to her feet, her body moving on its own, her mind registering nothing but the fact that she needed to comfort him somehow. But Zero sensed her moving closer and finally looked up, his eyes had hardened and grown cold again. “Don’t,” he said as she reached out for him.

Yuki froze, her eyes locked on Zero’s. _Don’t push me away anymore_ , she thought desperately, _please, I can’t stand it_. But she could not say the words and the look on Zero’s face warned her not to come any closer. Tears welled up in Yuki’s eyes and she fell to her knees before him.

“I hate her,” she sobbed finally. There was so much emotion building up inside her that it was difficult to make the words come out. “I know... I know that it’s wrong to say things like this, but I hate her _so much_... I’ll never forgive her for what she’s done to you.”

Zero was staring down at Yuki with wide eyes. The sight of the pureblood abandoning all sense of pride and sobbing on her knees below him shocked him to his very core. He could only watch in stunned silence while Yuki sniffled and tried to hold back the tears.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, wiping her wet cheeks as she tried to compose herself. Yuki tried to laugh at how silly she was being, but her heart just wasn’t in it. “I didn’t mean to get so emotional... I know it’s the last thing you want from me.”

It was a few minutes before Zero recovered enough to ask, “Why do you care so much?”

Now it was Yuki’s turn to avoid Zero’s gaze. How many times had she asked herself the same question? All she had ever been able to muster up in response was that there was just _something_ about Zero that drew her to him, that she _suspected_ there might be a kind heart buried under all of his hostility. There was no solid reason for any of it. If Yuki told him her thoughts, he’d probably laugh at her – and not in a nice way at all.

“You can’t answer? It doesn’t make sense, does it? From the beginning, I always thought this was just some little project for you to work on out of boredom, but this... isn’t normal. There’s no reason for anyone to act like this... because of me.” Zero fell silent for a few seconds, as if to give Yuki the chance to speak up if she had any explanation to offer. But she couldn’t even bring herself to look at him, how could she try to explain her confused thoughts?

Quietly, he continued, “This isn’t even the first time I’ve seen you so upset. I saw you, the night I moved back here, with Sayori Wakaba – it’s not hard to guess what she was telling you, and even that shouldn’t have concerned you so much.”

Yuki had had no idea that Zero had known about that, and it surprised her that he had brought it up. But at least that, she knew she could object to. She swung her head around to face him again; her voice came out higher than she intended it to, “I shouldn’t have cried because you tried to _kill yourself_?”

Zero shook his head slowly, his expression growing darker. “You saw what I was like that night... that’s all that lies in my future. I could end it all at any time – I’d only be speeding up the inevitable – but why should it matter to you? It’s not like I’ve ever given you any reason to miss me.”

“Zero... I wouldn’t wish what happened to you on anyone. When I met you, how could I not care? How could I not try to help? I want so badly for you to feel better, not to give up. Maybe it’s selfish of me, but if you died, I would feel as though I failed you. I would feel so sad, knowing that.”

Even as she said it, Yuki knew that it was all rubbish; meaningless words, conjured up to serve as some sort of explanation for something that was entirely unexplainable. What she felt was _so much more_ than that. Yuki was only just beginning to realise... but how could Zero ever understand when she couldn’t understand it herself? She couldn’t bear the thought that Zero wanted to die, couldn’t bare it any more than if it had been Kaname who felt that way.

“In that case,” Zero said, “You can give up, because nothing is going to change what happened in the past... As for what Wakaba told you: that night, I simply lost sight of my goal. I can’t say that it won’t happen again, but for now, at least, I don’t plan on dying until I’ve killed Shizuka Hio.”

There were so many things Yuki wanted to cry out in protest to that statement, but Zero’s face had become impassive again and his tone seemed to indicate that he wasn’t planning on opening up to her any more tonight. So Yuki said nothing. She felt that she’d heard enough for now anyway, she didn’t think she could take much more at the moment. She pushed away her worries about his ‘goal’; there was no point in questioning him about it now. Yuki was beginning to feel sleepy and realised that it must be nearly morning. With a small frown on her features, she stood and excused herself from the room.

“Zero,” Yuki said, stopping at the doorway, “I really hope that you’re wrong about this. I don’t care if it’s me that helps you, or someone or anything else... but I hope that you’ll feel better one day.”

Then, not expecting a reply, Yuki stepped out and went to her room. As much as she tried, she couldn’t quite rid herself of her fears regarding Zero’s words. They echoed in her head long after getting+ ready for bed and, as tired as she was, it was a long time before Yuki got to sleep.

*

One evening, as Yuki accompanied Yori on her rounds, Yori asked her how things were going with Zero. When the two girls had first met, Yuki had often used Yori as a source of information about Zero and it was strange to think of how things had changed now. At this point Yuki knew much more about Zero than she was sure Yori ever would. And there was so much that she simply couldn’t tell the human girl. But there were other things now that she didn’t think she could tell anyone but Yori.

“Yori, this whole time, I only ever hoped to become friends with him, but now... that doesn’t feel as though it would be enough. I know I shouldn’t feel as strongly about him as I do, but I can’t help it.” Yuki added, in a whisper, “I can hardly stop myself from thinking about him.”

Yori was regarding her with a look of surprise and for a moment Yuki remembered Zero’s own words. He was right; it wasn’t normal for her to feel this way. She was making herself look like such a fool. But then, she noticed the small smile playing upon Yori’s lips.

“I’m sorry, Yuki, but it’s a surprise for me to hear you say that. I could see from the beginning that you were falling for him. I didn’t realise that you weren’t aware of it yourself.”

Falling for Zero... was that what was happening? Yuki realised that, at the back of her mind, this thought had occurred to her too, but she had always tried to push it away. “Yori... I-I can’t feel that way. I just can’t... It’s too complicated – we’re too different!” _More different than I could ever even tell you..._

But Yori was still smiling. “I don’t know much about Zero, but I imagine that he must be incredibly lonely. Whatever your differences, I’m sure it will be good for him to have you by his side.”

 _If only it were that simple_ , Yuki thought. But there was nothing more she could say on the subject. Whatever Yori thought, there was simply no way Zero could return those sorts of feelings. Yuki wasn’t even sure she wanted him to. It was like she said: much too complicated.

In any case, Yori’s words gave Yuki a lot to think about.

*

But, as for Zero, the passing of time in Yuki’s presence seemed to be doing strange things to him too.

He began to notice...

When she listened to music it was almost like she disappeared, she became so absorbed. Sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder what it was she heard. Sometimes he would catch himself watching... her eyelids fluttering closed, the slightest movement of her lips...

He hadn’t even realised he was doing it.

Once it was her who caught him, their eyes locking over the melody in her ears. She took off her headphones and told him she had just heard ‘love is watching someone die’ and she thought it was one of the saddest lyrics she’d ever heard... and she thought she understood.

She said she was undecided and that one part of her thought she was lucky. The other would hurt her heart even still. Sometimes as she fell asleep, she would enter her dreams with tears on her cheeks, because she wished she had been able to say goodbye.

Zero almost didn’t say anything. But maybe, without his noticing, something in him had already begun to soften: he couldn’t let her words go ignored. “I remember hearing a long time ago about two purebloods who died on the same night…” He’d been a child then, but he remembered that the death of a pureblood was always a shocking thing – even the hunters talked about it. He remembered their comments about having two fewer bloodsuckers left to worry about. Kaien was the only person he knew who’d grieved over it. “Those were your parents.”

Yuki nodded and the smile she gave him did nothing to mask the sadness in her eyes. “Though you probably only heard the official version of the story… I think Kaname probably would have liked to feed me the lie too, but then he would have had to let me grow up thinking my parents killed themselves. I’m glad he didn’t do that.”

Zero hesitated, and then he asked, “What really happened to them?”

The false smile left Yuki’s face, but otherwise she gave no indication that she minded him asking, “They were murdered. By my Uncle Rido… It happened right outside my house while I was hiding inside with Kaname. Most of what I remember of it  is just knowing that something terrible was happening and being too terrified to move. Kaname stayed with me for a long time, trying to keep me safe, but eventually he had to go. When he came back it was over and all he would say was that he’d taken care of my uncle. But my parents were gone, he wasn’t able to save them.”

“He wouldn’t say anything else about it?”

Yuki seemed to understand what he was really asking, “It doesn’t really add up, does it? I was only six at the time, so it took me a while to really notice that. Later, he told me that Rido had been wielding a hunter sword. That was how he got the better of my parents, but it doesn’t explain how Kaname survived. He’s never been willing to tell me the full truth. I suppose he thinks the details would be too upsetting for me. But I still just wish… I don’t know… It’s that they were there one day and then they were just gone, and I don’t know if I’ll ever understand.”

They fell into silence then: Yuki, contemplating for the millionth time whether there was some detail she’d missed in the story that could make it all make sense for her; Zero, struggling with the strange feeling of recognition Yuki’s words had summoned within him. When he finally spoke, it was barely more than a mumbled whisper, “You wouldn’t have wanted to have seen it.”

“No… I guess you’re right.”

They were quiet again for another long moment before Yuki sighed and said, “I definitely shouldn’t have told you any of that. I know Kaname must have had a good reason for keeping it all secret for so long… You won’t tell anyone will you?”

“Who would I tell?” Zero asked her, his face a blank mask. But she must have found something in it to trust, because she gave her first genuine smile since she’d begun her story.

“Thanks, Zero.”

For once, Zero allowed himself to really look at her. He could still see her sadness, but he could also see the real feeling in her smile as she held his gaze steadily. “I don’t get it,” he said after a moment, “How can you smile, after telling a story like that?”

The question surprised her, but it only took her a moment to come up with an answer, “Sometimes you just have to, I guess. I have to keep smiling… the alternative would be much too sad, I think.”

And, as he looked at her, taking in that smile she wore for him - maybe that was the point when something clicked inside his brain. Maybe there was a tiny spark somewhere around his heart and it was waiting to ignite.

The beginnings of realisation...

That there was something beautiful here, just maybe.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyric at the end is from ‘What Sarah Said’ by Death Cab for Cutie. 
> 
> (chapter title from i didn’t understand by elliott smith)


	13. This thing hurts like hell, but what did you expect?

Yuki rubbed her sleepy eyes as she stepped out from her room. Winter had approached so quickly, she marvelled at how fast her days at the Academy had gone by. How long had she been here now... months, surely? It was strange to think of how long it had been since Yuki had last seen her home, and Kaname. She wrote to him sometimes, telling him about the fun she had here at the Academy, about the time she spent with Yori and the Headmaster’s silly antics. She didn’t mention Zero much. Yuki had become rather self conscious about her thoughts regarding that silver haired boy and something always stopped her from bringing up his name in her letters to Kaname. She tried not to dwell too much on it, but she had a feeling that the way Zero so often made her feel would not please Kaname at all. It was a thought that made her feel guilty every time it entered her mind and so she did her best to push it away.

Yuki was waking up much earlier than usual, now that the nights were longer. She tried to combat it by going to sleep earlier in the morning, but it still left her bleary eyed and sluggish as she emerged from her room, come evening. Though she wouldn’t admit it, Yuki knew that her hurry to get up had a lot to do with wanting to see Zero. She hoped that no one had realised – it was all rather embarrassing. Though, when she thought about it, there really was little hope that no one else had noticed when she’d been so completely obvious about it in the past. She knew that Yori, at least, had been convinced all along that Yuki had some sort of crush on Zero. She blushed at the thought; if only she had noticed herself, and been a bit more subtle.

The faint blush gracing Yuki’s cheeks darkened when her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a door opening. She turned and saw Zero standing there. He was wearing a coat over his uniform, evidently about to go out.

“Zero... hello,” Yuki said, trying her best to appear composed. He’d taken her by surprise as usual. It was really rather ridiculous how often she reacted like this. Zero had even sarcastically commented once that, the way she acted, it was like she thought she was the only person living there. But Yuki couldn’t help always becoming so deeply lost in her thoughts; it was a habit she had never had much reason to break until now.

Zero turned, giving Yuki a dark look, “...Hey,” he murmured.

Yuki squirmed; she couldn’t help it when he looked at her like that. Zero could be so scary when he wanted to! But he’d greeted her, at least, she noted. Even if he wasn’t very good at it, he was _trying_ to be polite. Yuki tried to remember what she’d been about to say... oh, right – the coat. “You’re going out already? Curfew’s not for another hour, isn’t it?”

Zero’s gaze was focused on the wall in front of him now, and it was a few seconds before he answered her. “I have... an assignment...”

Yuki blinked. “Huh?”

He turned his stormy eyes on her, “For the Hunter’s Association. There’s a Level E causing trouble in the town near here and there have been reports of people going missing. The Association asked me to take care of it. ”

Yuki’s eyes widened. She’d become so used to the idea of Zero being a vampire that she’d almost forgotten he was a hunter too. “Wow...” she murmured. “But you’re so young... they must really think a lot of you, to send you by yourself.”

Yuki peered up at Zero, noting how tired he looked, how he seemed to have grown thinner in the few months she’d known him - his dreadful situation now seemed to be catching up with him physically. Though he still gave off an intimidating aura, she could not help but regard him with a hint of worry.

“I wonder...” said Zero, quietly. “I think they just like to test me every now and again to see if I’m trustworthy – to make sure I haven’t gone insane yet.”

Yuki’s breath caught in her throat a little when he said it. Her eyebrows knitted together and her gaze filled with sadness. Zero’s tone was so bitter, so filled with hate for what he was. He never brought up his being a vampire, if he could help it. It took Yuki by surprise that he mentioned it now. “Zero...” she said softly, but there was nothing else to say. She never did know what to tell him.

It was stupid, but suddenly, Yuki didn’t want him to go. Of course, she couldn’t tell him that, but she was concerned about his physical state. She knew Zero hadn’t been sleeping and she couldn’t imagine how much fighting against that terrible thirst must be taking out of him. She wondered what would happen if he got into a difficult situation; would he even try to save himself? Did he value his life that much?

“Look, I’ve got to go,” said Zero. He stepped past her, heading towards the door.

“Let me go with you!” Yuki blurted out the thought as soon as it entered her head, but she quickly realised that it was the best option she had. Chances were, Zero was more than capable of dealing with a Level E vampire, but if he did get himself into trouble then she would have no problem helping him out. A Level E was no match against a Pureblood, even an inexperienced one like Yuki.

Zero stopped and turned, his expression was unreadable, like always, but his answer was blunt, “No.”

Yuki decided that if she was going to persuade him, then it would be best not to mention the real reason she wanted to go; she knew he wasn’t the sort to ask for help with anything. “You’re going to the town,” she told him quickly, “I’ve never been there – I want to see it too.”

“Now isn’t the time,” Zero said, turning back to the door. He took the handle and pulled it open.

“I’ll follow you,” Yuki responded, trying to sound bolder than she felt. “If you won’t take me with you, then I’ll just go by myself. You’re meant to be looking after me, right? Wouldn’t you get in trouble if something happened?”

Zero looked back at her. “You seriously think I care?” he asked, though, the hint of annoyance in his tone was enough to suggest that he did a little, at least. Maybe.

“Enough, not to leave it to chance, perhaps. It really would be easier just to let me go with you.” Yuki stared at him, daring him to defy her reasoning.

And, so he did: “No.” Zero walked out of the door, pulling it closed behind him.

Yuki glared at the spot he’d just left. Why did he always have to be so _stubborn_? Fighting back her frustration, Yuki looked for her shoes; she could surely catch up with him without a problem. She found her favourite pair of pale pink ballet pumps and pulled them onto her small feet. Then she pulled the door open and ran after Zero.

Once she was outside, Yuki instantly wished she’d put on a coat, it was so cold. But she could see Zero walking swiftly ahead of her and didn’t want to risk losing him by going back inside. She _had_ been bluffing when she threatened to go by herself; it would be so like her to get lost. Yuki sped after the tall silver haired vampire, calling, as she caught up to him, “Do you have to be such a _jerk_ all the time?” Her breath turned to mist in the icy air around her as she spoke.

“Go back inside,” Zero answered her, in a tone that suggested he couldn’t care less about how much of a jerk she thought he was.

“I won’t,” said Yuki, defiantly.

Zero suddenly turned on her and said in a voice that barely hid his anger, “You do realise that this is serious, don’t you? This isn’t another one of your games. This vampire will _kill_ people if I don’t kill it first. That’s why I’m going – your _boredom_ has nothing to do with it.”

It was a little frustrating how Zero seemed to take everything Yuki did as some frivolous attempt to entertain herself. But she supposed she’d asked for it this time; Yuki decided that it would be better, at this point, to reveal her real reasons for wanting to go with him. She met his angry eyes with her steady, calm ones and said quietly, “I don’t want you to go alone.”

Yuki was determined not to back down and she knew now that the unspoken words behind her confession had been heard, and Zero had understood. He continued to glare at her and he didn’t have to say a word for her to realise how stupid he thought she was being.

“I don’t have time to argue with you...” Zero said. He had lowered his voice but she could still hear the aggression in it clearly, the threat of it rumbling beneath the calm surface. “But it’s fine; if you get into any trouble, at least that should be enough to get you sent back where you came from.”

The words sank into Yuki’s mind slowly and it took a few seconds for her look of calm determination to turn to one of hurt. “I – I won’t,” she said in a tiny voice and she looked away, feeling embarrassed that he should see how much those words upset her. It shouldn’t have hurt that much, surely? With the way she had just behaved, she should have expected it... But, no – Yuki had braced herself for Zero’s grumpiness, for anger, but not... not those words. She had thought he’d moved past that.

When Yuki had composed herself enough to peer back up at him, Zero was already walking away. She fought to keep her face expressionless, but she knew it was useless; if he looked back at her, he’d be able to read her every emotion with ease. Zero didn’t turn though – of course he didn’t. She followed behind him as he led her out of the Academy grounds.

The silence between them was awful – much colder than in a long time. Yuki hesitated to break it, fearing Zero’s response would only upset her more but, when it finally grew too much, she spoke up, quietly, “So, you still feel that way? Nothing’s changed in your opinion of me since I came here?”

Yuki watched Zero’s back as he walked. He didn’t say a word. And for once, it annoyed her. It really did, because she was trying _so hard_ , but he just gave her _nothing_ in return. She walked faster, wanting to catch up with him, wanting to see his face when she spoke to him. “Just _answer_ me!” she cried. Yuki tried to get in front of Zero, to block his path, but he just stepped around her. As he did, he was frowning, trying not to look at her. “I really thought things were getting better between us.”

Though Zero was now physically only a few steps ahead of Yuki, she suddenly saw how the distance between them was really infinitely more than that. It always had been. How could she have forgotten it? Yuki shivered and felt that the cold around her was made a thousand times harsher by his silence. It froze her in place as he walked away. The emotion rising up inside her was something she had never known before. It was like the loneliness she had often known in the past, but so much worse. The sadness had made itself known physically in the way her chest had tightened and the way it grew tighter, more painful, with every step Zero took away from her. How had she let things get this far – to the point where the thought of him rejecting her hurt this badly?

“Please,” Yuki whispered, “Tell me things are getting better.” She heard in her voice, how her shameful desperation had escaped with that whisper and she knew had given away more of herself than she ever meant to. It wasn’t just about his pain now, she was asking for _him_ to comfort _her_. The hopelessness of that request almost broke her heart.

The misery, which seemed to have come from nowhere, was so much she thought she might drown in it. On some level Yuki knew it was stupid that she felt this way, but that knowledge didn’t lessen the feeling any. It crowded her senses and she bowed her head, pressed her hands over her eyes, wanting to shut it all out and fade away to nothing. And because of this, she didn’t see when Zero finally stopped. But she heard his voice, as he softly uttered, “I speak to you now, don’t I?”

Yuki’s body loosened slightly. The words he spoke were simple, but Yuki sensed that Zero meant a lot by them, even if he couldn’t or, more likely, wasn’t prepared to make it as obvious as she could. Just to be sure, she asked, “That’s all you can tell me?”

When he answered ‘yes’, Yuki finally let her hands fall fully away from her face and looked up at him. Zero had turned to face her and she searched his expression, wanting to be sure she understood him. She realised that he didn’t hate her presence. Not anymore. But because of who she was, who he was, anything more would have to remain unspoken. If it existed at all.

Yuki’s misery subsided, but not entirely. Though this was the most hope Zero had ever given her, Yuki had never been more aware of the distance between them. That alone, hurt enough.

Silence stretched out between them once again, but neither of them moved. The realisation of the extent of her recent feelings had left Yuki feeling slightly shaken and uncertain of what to do now. Her first thought was that to continue onwards with Zero now, after what had just passed between them, was too much. She had to force herself to remember the reason she followed him in the first place. She couldn’t let him get hurt, no matter what.  
As Yuki told herself this, she noticed that Zero was looking at her. And she could tell that this time when he looked, he was seeing more than usual. Zero’s eyes, which usually only glanced over Yuki quickly before settling on something else, now seemed to be boring right into her skin. He was, for the first time, really seeing her, but the circumstances were all wrong. Yuki was too confused, too vulnerable right now and she didn’t want Zero to see these emotions. Everything he was seeing at this moment was exactly what she wanted to keep hidden. She wished that he would stop looking.

“We should go,” Yuki murmured and slowly Zero turned his eyes away from her. Then he started forwards, towards the town.

Zero could hear Yuki’s footsteps as she trailed behind him and the discomfort she was feeling was something she did not know how to hide, so it simply hung in the air between them. As he walked, Zero tried to focus on what he was about to do, knowing it would be foolish to go into a fight with a distracted mind. But he was having difficulties getting his thoughts to settle down. He was a little annoyed at himself for having spoken up before, when he had been so determined not to and he was not entirely sure what had made him do it. He knew that the suffering he had heard in her voice should not have affected him so.

In truth, Zero felt just as uncomfortable as Yuki did. He had heard everything in that whispered sentence, all of the pain and the loneliness and the confusion. He wished now that he could unhear it. Not for the first time since meeting her he wondered what he could possibly have done to generate such strong feelings in this girl. To his mind, it made no sense. Something had changed now in the way Yuki saw him and pity just didn’t cover it anymore. Her silly protectiveness was no longer the light-hearted game Zero had always assumed it to be. And then there was what had just happened... He had seen her cry so many times, but never before had he seen her so sad for herself. There was no doubt in Zero’s mind now that her feelings were genuine. He knew that Yuki was not such a good actress that she could pretend something like this. But the thought didn’t bring him any comfort; it disturbed him that she felt so strongly.

But before, when he had spoken... Zero had meant to ignore her and keep ignoring her, but having heard that sentence and everything that had been revealed with it, even his cold heart couldn’t ignore it. So he had spoken and he had given Yuki what little he could.

They were walking now at a slow pace towards the town and Zero thought about how annoying it was that such things had been brought up at a time like this. If he could have, he would have liked to leave his thoughts behind him as he walked and simply concentrate on the task ahead. Though, if Yuki’s silence was any indication, he didn’t think she had any intention of doing the same. It didn’t matter though; as long as she kept out of his way, whatever she was thinking was of no concern to him. He walked on.

Yuki trailed behind and wished she could make herself appear even half as composed as Zero did. Though it often frustrated her, at the moment she envied how he always managed to hide his feelings so well. What must he think about how easily she became emotional around him? Not that she even needed to ask. Zero had said himself that he didn’t think it was normal. Yuki thought she knew him well enough to assume that he would have reacted more or less the same way to anyone who claimed to care about him. He didn’t think he deserved it, that much was obvious. But in Yuki’s case, she knew that part of it was because Zero hated her kind on principle. He didn’t want her to feel this way. He didn’t want anything other than for her to leave him alone. Yuki wondered if he was beginning to understand now, how that was impossible for her.

Yuki had been walking with her eyes cast downwards, noticing the patches of ice on the ground that had not thawed during the day. Now she raised her eyes up towards the boy in front of her. No, there was no sign from Zero of how what had just passed had affected him. Perhaps it hadn’t really affected him at all. Perhaps he didn’t care and all of this speculation was for nothing and would only lead to further disappointment.

Yuki kept her eyes on him, her thoughts becoming more relentless by the minute, until a distant scream cut through the silence, making her questions of what Zero thought of her seem suddenly less important somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from the sea is a good place to think about the future by los campesinos!)


	14. It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live

The both of them froze upon hearing it. They had each thought that they would not have to look for the Level E until they reached the town, but, though they were several more minutes walk away from even the first few buildings, the scream could hardly be ignored. Neither Zero, nor Yuki thought it could be a coincidence to hear someone screaming while they were looking for a Level E vampire. And any doubts they might have had about that were easily disproved by the malevolent presence they both could feel from the woods nearby – the very woods that the scream had originated from. 

Yuki looked over at Zero and it occurred to her that, for him not to have noticed something like that already, he must not have been nearly as focused on his task as she had assumed he was. But he was clearly alert now, and was looking with narrowed eyes into the mass of trees. Without turning to her, he muttered, “Stay quiet and try to do something about that aura of yours – it will give us away in no time.”

Zero’s obvious annoyance at Yuki and at himself only added to the general air of menace he had adopted upon hearing that scream. It was enough to stop her from pointing out that she was not sure how to even go about hiding her pureblood aura. It seemed, however, that Zero wasn’t intending to stick around to see that she did as she was told. Yuki stayed in place as she watched him run off towards the trees. Then she decided that she had better try doing what he said.

Yuki felt for the power that she knew surrounded her and, not knowing what else to do, she tried to draw it into herself. It seemed to work well enough, as far as she could tell, but, since Zero had run off, she could not be sure. Once she had contained the power, she simply held it there and hoped that would do. It was an awkward feeling, but one Yuki could live with. She followed Zero into the woods.

It was dark amongst the trees where the light from the newly risen moon could not reach them. But that didn’t bother Yuki; her eyes were naturally adapted for the darkness and she could make out each tree easily. She saw that Zero was a little way ahead of her, moving more slowly now that they were closer to what they were looking for.

It was not long before Zero stopped and Yuki knew he had found the source of the scream. She walked up quietly behind him and saw that they had come to a small clearing and that, at the opposite side from where they stood, was what could only be the Level E they had been searching for. 

The vampire had his back to the both of them, seemingly too intent on his prey to have noticed he had company. Slumped against a tree, beneath him, was a girl. Yuki could not see her face because of the way the vampire was leaning over her, but she could tell from the terrified whimpers the girl was making that she was conscious. 

Yuki’s lips had parted slightly in silent horror while her eyes had widened considerably. It was only now that the reality of the situation had hit her. Her thoughts before had only been of looking after Zero, she had given hardly any thought to what it was that he was going to fight. Before her now was a Level E, a crazed killer, the lowest of her kind and for good reason. She had never seen one before, but she felt it was an experience she could have quite happily lived without.

Yuki had not seen the Level E’s face but the way he was leaning over that girl – not biting her, not yet, but drawing out the moment, toying with her – disturbed Yuki. She had not prepared herself to see something like that. Even after her months at the Academy, and all she had seen there, she was still the sheltered little princess she had always been. Yuki did not want the Level E to turn around; she did not want to see his face. This sight, the way he was kneeling so possessively over the girl’s cowering body, was horrible enough. She did not want to see his eyes; she was scared of the madness she might see there.

But, despite this, Yuki’s eyes stayed glued to the sight before her and she did not even think to look at what Zero was doing until she heard the soft click of him turning the safety off his gun. Then she turned quickly and saw him, arm stretched out, gun in hand and aiming at the Level E. 

Yuki didn’t even think; she whispered fiercely, “Zero, wait. What if you hit the girl?”

She had thought she’d said it quietly, but obviously it hadn’t been quietly enough. The Level E’s head turned around so that Yuki could see one gleaming red eye, narrowed in annoyance at the two of them. Then, before Yuki even had time to react to the sight she had so desperately wanted to avoid seeing, he manoeuvred the girl so that they were stood with her in front of him, her back pressed against him, one of his arms wrapped around her waist and arms so she couldn’t try to push him off, while the other hand was clutching her throat in a threatening manner. He had taken Yuki’s warning and used it against them by using the poor girl as a shield.

Now the Level E, rather than talking to them, turned his attention back to his prey. He brought his face down close to her ear and said quietly, “My dear, all of that racket you were making has attracted unwanted visitors.” The girl only whimpered in response and Yuki felt anger swell up inside her. What kind of beast would do this to someone? Yuki had always known that this sort existed. It was a basic part of vampire history, but those things had all seemed so far away before. Nothing more than a story in some dusty old text book. After all, Yuki had not seen what happened to her parents, she had only forced some of the story out of Kaname later. She had continued on in her protective bubble of ignorance, learning about what it was to lose a loved one, but not about the causes of such things. It was hard for her to believe that anyone could act in such a disgraceful way. 

Yuki was not sure what she was thinking, but suddenly she was determined to help the poor girl. She began to move forward, but before she had taken more than one step, she felt a hand on her shoulder, holding her back. Yuki turned to look once more at Zero and saw his clear irritation with her. “Haven’t you helped out enough?” he asked her. Sheepishly, Yuki remembered her place as an unwanted observer and stepped back. Zero could handle this. She watched as he aimed his gun again and the Level E finally looked up and spoke to Zero in his distorted voice, “Ah, ah! You don’t want to hit this girl do you?” He was smirking in a way that made Yuki feel sick.

Zero replied coolly, “You think I’m such a bad shot?” and he fired.

But the level E had already moved away, laughing as he dragged the sobbing girl with him. The bullet hit a tree after zooming past the exact spot the Level E’s head had been an instant earlier. 

The Level E had left the clearing and it would have surprised Yuki if Zero was able to get a decent shot from this distance. They could still see the vampire, but he was obscured through the trees. He had gone back to ignoring them and was murmuring something to the girl that Yuki didn’t catch. And she watched in horror as, right in front of them, his face moved closer and closer to the girl’s neck.

It happened quickly, too fast for Zero to run forward and stop the vampire with his own hands. Though they both started forwards, all they could do in the end was watch as he sank his fangs into her neck. At first Yuki’s mind could not quite process what she was seeing. Then she smelled the blood and heard the girl screaming and thrashing against him and she knew.

And in her horror, Yuki forgot about the little ball of energy she was holding inside her, the aura she had not been entirely sure how to conceal. Without meaning to, she let it go and felt it go flying into place, radiating from her body. It was enough to make the Level E stop what he was doing. He looked up, eyes darting to her. They were the same colour as the blood dripping from his lips. 

Yuki wondered if he would run, having sensed that he was in the presence of someone much more powerful than himself. She knew that it was a natural instinct in vampires for them to fear Purebloods. It was an instinct that Zero seemed to be immune to, however, and he would surely be mad at Yuki for scaring off his target. 

But the vampire didn’t move. He kept his monstrous eyes on her for a few drawn out seconds and then he let the girl drop and turned towards Yuki. He began to move forwards, hesitant at first, then faster.

He had been far enough away that Yuki had time to wonder why she wasn’t hearing gunshots now that the girl was no longer in the way, but as she turned to Zero, she realised what had happened. The smell of the girl’s blood had filled the clearing and while Yuki was strong enough to be unfazed by it, Zero certainly wasn’t. He was still staring at the spot where the girl now lay huddled on the ground. His eyes were wide, but not yet the awful red she had seen them before. He was distracted by the blood, but managing to control himself. Yuki called his name. And that was all it took for him to compose himself. 

When Zero turned his attentions back to the Level E, he was only halfway across the clearing towards them. Quicker than Yuki had ever seen Zero move, he raised his gun and fired several shots at the crazed vampire. They hit and the Level E turned to dust.

A moment passed in silence before Yuki turned again to Zero. The hand that was still holding the gun now hung limp at his side. He was staring at the pile of dust that was now all that remained of the Level E vampire. Yuki herself had had to look away. She had no doubt that there had been no other possible fate for that vampire that did not involve endangering the lives of others, but it unsettled her to have witnessed the death first hand. She simply was not used to this sort of thing. 

Yuki stepped closer to Zero and whispered his name. 

But he would not look at her. Maybe he hadn’t heard her, or maybe he was just acting that way, Yuki wasn’t sure, but she didn’t like the way he was keeping his eyes fixed on the dusty pile on the floor. There was a frown of anger appearing on his forehead.

“Zero... it’s okay. You did it,” Yuki tried to make her voice as bright as she could, but there was a little part of her that was scared that Zero was going to shout at her for interfering before. When he turned to her, though, she could see that little crease between his eyebrows, but she was not sure that that was what was on his mind after all. His expression was too distant for his anger to be directed at her. Though it troubled Yuki, she did her best to appear encouraging. She gave Zero a big brilliant smile and watched as slowly the anger drained from his expression, but the look that took its place was one of sadness. Yuki’s heart ached to see him make a face like that. His eyes fell away from hers and her smile lost its brilliance.

Of course, she thought, of course he would react like this, after letting the scent of blood distract him from what he was supposed to be doing. Yuki didn’t blame him – she couldn’t – she merely felt very sad for the things that Zero had to go through. She had to forgive him for it, because she didn’t think he would be able to forgive himself.

“Hey,” Yuki whispered and Zero wasn’t looking at her, but she reached out and took his hand to make up for it. It seemed to her like a bold move and she expected him to pull away, but the hand just stayed there. Yuki knew that if she let go it would simply fall back to Zero’s side as if it had really been there all along. The thought of it made her sadder still, but it didn’t matter, she told herself; that was not important right now. Yuki lightly squeezed Zero’s fingers and tried to force back the quiet thrill that, after so long, she could finally feel that hand, warm in hers. “Don’t look like that,” she continued gently and when he still said nothing, she added so, so softly, “Come on... I believe in you.”

A few quiet seconds passed and then Zero finally moved. He pulled his fingers slowly away from hers, turned from Yuki and said in a low voice, “The girl...”

Yuki nodded even though Zero was not looking. She had not exactly forgotten about the girl, it was more that her instinct had a way of telling her that Zero was in just as much need of being looked after as anyone might be. If he knew that she thought that then she didn’t think that he would be very pleased about it, but then she had no intention of telling him. Right now Yuki realised that whatever it was she needed to say to Zero would have to come later, because the girl was their priority at the moment. 

“Right, okay...” Yuki murmured and she balled her fingers into a fist to make up for the emptiness she felt there now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from lua by bright eyes)


	15. If you only knew the lengths I’d go to

They made their way across the clearing, but Zero stopped a few feet away from where the girl still lay. Yuki carried on into the trees. She knew better than to ask what he would have done if she hadn’t followed him earlier. She was simply thankful that she had done.

The girl was in shock, not unconscious, Yuki noted as she knelt down beside her. Her neck was still bleeding a little and Yuki wondered if there was something she could cover it with, if only for Zero’s sake.

“Hey,” Yuki murmured, speaking in a tone not too different from the one she had used with Zero a minute ago. “It’s okay, he’s gone now. You’re safe.”

There were still tears rolling down the girl’s face as she looked up at Yuki. There wasn’t much in the way of understanding displayed on her features.

“Do you want to sit up?” Yuki asked.

The girl moved slowly, as if she was having trouble getting her limbs to do what she wanted them too. Yuki reached out to steady her, helping her into a sitting position. “Do you have anything I can put on your neck?” Yuki asked, but the girl’s only response was to slowly reach up and touch the wound, feeling the wetness there she then looked at her bloodstained fingers in what Yuki could only guess was disbelief. It seemed she was really having a hard time coming to terms with what had just happened.

“It’s okay,” Yuki said again, “We’ll get you something for your neck later.”

Yuki glanced over to Zero, meaning only to check on him, but once her eyes fixed on him, it was difficult to look away. He had moved to lean against a tree, not far from them, but not too close. He stood with his arms folded in front of him and was facing away from the two girls, staring straight ahead with the same blank look in his eyes that Yuki must have seen a hundred times by now. At first glance it might have seemed that he had regained his usual composure. He had that air of cold indifference about him, like this was just another job, and Yuki was just playing a completely normal part in it. But of course, Yuki looked closer and she saw the way he was tensed; the smell of the girl’s blood was bothering him and Yuki could see the effort it took him to control himself.

Yuki felt such a surge of affection for Zero that it took her by surprise. It must have been so hard for him, but she he wouldn’t ever let himself give in, no matter what it took out of him to keep fighting.

After a few seconds Yuki realised that the girl was trying to say something. She turned back towards her and the girl looked directly at her for the first time. “My friend...” she whispered with a voice that was croaky from crying and screaming. “H-he took her... I don’t know if she got away or...” The worry written all over the girl’s tear streaked face was enough to finish the sentence for her.

“She’s in the forest somewhere...?” Yuki asked and the girl nodded, and then added quietly, “At least, I think so...”

Yuki didn’t want to waste time asking any more questions, she turned to Zero, “We have to find her.”

Zero was looking at her now. “I’ll go,” he said simply. Then he addressed the girl, “The place that you saw her last... was it near here?”

“I... I’m not sure... Yes... I think it must be close.”

Without responding, Zero headed off to search the surrounding area for any sign of the other girl.

“Don’t worry,” Yuki murmured to the girl, “Zero will find her.” She had no idea whether she was telling the truth or not.

Yuki noticed that it was finally sinking in for the girl that she had been rescued, and she was slowly coming out of her shocked state.

“I am worried...” The girl whispered. “He didn’t get me so badly, he just scared me, really... b-but I think he really hurt her. She was still conscious before, but she was bleeding...”

“He bit her?” Yuki couldn’t keep the alarm out of her voice. The girl nodded, seeming even more worried by Yuki’s reaction.

“Do you think she’ll be okay?” she asked.

Yuki hesitated, then reasoned, “If she’s badly hurt, then Zero will be able to find her, and if she was well enough to go so far that he can’t find her, then that can only be a good sign.”

But of course that wasn’t why Yuki was so worried. She tried to console herself by remembering how well Zero had been controlling his thirst before; surely nothing too awful could happen...

Looking at the girl, she could see that she sensed Yuki’s worry and that it only increased her own. Yuki decided it was best to keep talking and to find out as much as she could. “How did you and your friend get separated, anyway?”

“We both work in a cafe in town... we were on our way home when he found us.” The girl hesitated, and Yuki didn’t blame her for finding it difficult to talk about. She waited patiently for her to continue. “He brought us both into the woods, but he attacked my friend first... He just sort of threw me aside then and I suppose I should have ran and tried to get help, but I didn’t want to leave her. He was biting her, like you said, and I tried so hard to get him to stop, but he was really strong. He must have barely noticed what I was doing.

“And then, when he had finished, he just let her fall to the ground. I knew she wasn’t dead because she was trying to get up. She was terribly weak, but she was moving... Then I realised he would go for me next and the second he looked at me, I couldn’t help but run. I don’t think I got very far away though.”

The tears had come back to the girl’s eyes and Yuki was once again struck by the horrors that went on around her that she had been protected from since birth. It sickened her, that there were beings like that Level E who killed for the fun of it. It was worse that they had all been created by her own kind, the Purebloods. No wonder Zero had hated her at the beginning, after everything he had been through both as a hunter of vampires and as a victim of one.

Zero... Yuki suddenly realised that something was wrong. Zero was still close enough that she could feel his presence without much difficulty, but there was something wrong with it. She had felt something like this before, that night when she had seen his face twisted in agony in the darkened hallway of the Headmaster’s residence.

“Oh, no!” Yuki jumped to her feet, her eyes wide with terror. She forgot completely about trying to keep the girl from worrying about her friend. “Oh, no, oh no!” she barely even looked at the girl as she told her, “Stay here! I’ve got to find Zero.”

Then Yuki ran. She knew she would find Zero easily; she had never been so aware of his presence as she was now. She continued to run until she saw him. He was not far but he was at the bottom of a sloped area, which was why he hadn’t been visible from where Yuki had been sitting before.

Zero was on his knees, doubled over. Despite his usual tallness Yuki couldn’t help but think he looked so small, surrounded by the enormity of the trees. As she drew closer to him, Yuki confirmed that it was indeed just like that time before – those ragged breaths, the hands clutching at his throat, his face displaying so much pain that Yuki almost couldn’t bear to look at it.

When she finally reached him, she knelt down at his side. “Oh, Zero. I’m so sorry.”

Zero turned his head just a fraction to look at her, his eyes now displaying clearly the thirst he felt. “She’s... over there...” It was a struggle for him just to get the words out. Yuki looked around her and saw what she’d missed before: the bloodstained girl was slumped against a nearby tree. She was very badly hurt, but still alive. Yuki could smell it herself now; how her blood scent filled the air so much more than her friend’s had. She was covered in the stuff.

“I’ll take her back to the academy,” Yuki said to Zero, “and make sure she’s alright. And then I’ll come back for you.” She put her hand on his shoulder gently, “Everything will be fine, I promise.” Yuki felt as if she was trying to comfort herself just as much as she was him. But Zero didn’t seem to be taking any notice of her words. In fact, she realised that he was staring right past her. Yuki turned automatically and saw that the first girl was now standing just a few feet behind her, her horrified eyes locked on Zero. Concerned for her friend, she had followed Yuki, without her realising.

“He’s one too,” she said in a terrified whisper. “He’s a monster, like that man!”

They were the words of a girl who had been through a terrifying ordeal, but somehow Yuki couldn’t bring herself to forgive her for speaking them out loud. She glared at the girl – the hand that was resting on Zero’s shoulder now seemed to have a more protective manner about it. “Do _not_ speak about Zero like that,” Yuki said fiercely, “He saved your life.”

She might have said more, if Zero himself hadn’t spoken again. “Just... get them... away from here.”

Yuki realised that at the moment there were more important things to be done than defending Zero from the words of a scared girl. She nodded, “I will. Just please hold in there Zero.”

Yuki rose to her feet and stepped over to the unconscious girl. She placed one of the girls limp arms around her shoulders while wrapping her own arm around her back to support her. She stood, lifting the girl with her, but she was heavy under Yuki’s small frame. “Help me,” she called to the other girl, who was stood in the same place as before. She hadn’t taken her eyes of Zero, though it seemed that he was doing his best not to pay attention to her. “Hey!” Yuki called again, “Come here and support her other side.”

She looked up at Yuki and hesitated for a minute. Being told off like that had made her wary, but in the end it was concern for her friend that won and she ran over to where Yuki stood to help.

Yuki loathed leaving Zero here, but could see no other way around the situation. How else could she be sure that the girls got to safety? She would simply have to hope that once the source of his discomfort was removed, he would start to feel better. She stole one last glance at Zero then began to lead the way out of the woods.

*

Almost an hour later Yuki was stood outside the door of the school infirmary while the headmaster looked down at her with concern in his eyes.

She had managed to get both girls there without any trouble (though there had been a lot of wondering why it was a school they were headed to and not a hospital, which Yuki was not entirely sure how to explain). And after Yuki had found Kaien and explained what had happened – automatically leaving out why exactly Zero had been unable to bring the girls back himself – the two girls had had their memories erased.

Yuki had been restless the entire time she stood in the infirmary, answering Kaien’s questions about what had happened in the woods. She responded politely, as always, but the entire time her mind was on Zero and how she had left him. So as soon as she saw her opportunity, she hastily excused herself and left the room. But the infirmary door had only just closed behind her when it opened again and she heard Kaien tell her to wait.

Now Yuki was trying to avoid his gaze while he was speaking to her seriously, asking the question she had most wanted to avoid.

“Yuki, what happened to Zero?”

Yuki couldn’t look up, and a sad little frown appeared on her face. She couldn’t possibly say it. She thought, _let him figure it out himself, because there’s no way I can say the words out loud._

But even if the Headmaster already knew - and Yuki suspected that he did – he seemed to be waiting for her to confirm it.

“Please don’t make me say it,” Yuki whispered, “You saw the state that girl was in, surely you realise what’s happened.”

“Where is he?”

This question was easier to answer. “I left him in the woods.” Yuki looked up, finally. “Please let me go, I have to help him.”

Though Yuki wanted so much for Kaien to say yes, she could not blame him for looking very unhappy about the request. It was a bad idea, a selfish one. It would have been a thousand times wiser for Kaien to look after Zero, but the trouble was that Yuki couldn’t stand not knowing. She simply couldn’t wait here while he...

She remembered the last time – remembered the torturous hour she had spent by herself with the image of Zero’s agonised expression imprinted on her memory. How she had hoped he would be okay, but had no way of knowing. She couldn’t do it again. Just to leave him before in the woods was already more than she could stand.

“It’s a difficult situation,” the Headmaster said gravely, “As Zero’s guardian, of course it’s important that I look after him... but that girl needs to go to a hospital. There are a lot of things I need to sort out... Yuki, I’m worried that if I let you go in my place, your emotions will affect how you handle the situation. I wonder if Zero is best left alone for now...”

Yuki understood why he said it. He had not meant to be disrespectful – she knew that she had given Kaien enough reason to think that she would have trouble controlling her emotions where Zero was concerned. And while, under normal circumstances, Kaien would have refrained from saying it out of politeness, this was an occasion that called for simple, brutal honesty. But though Yuki understood his concerns, she had to disagree with his last statement. Feeling determined to show that she could think rationally, she said as calmly as she could manage, “If he was here – if he was in his room, I mean – I could understand why that might be the case... but not while he’s out there. We can’t leave him when we don’t even know if he’s alright.”

Kaien stared at Yuki with worried eyes. It seemed an age before he sighed and responded, “If you go, Yuki, it is important that you keep a level head, no matter how bad the situation seems – and even if he does something to upset you.”

Yuki nodded, “I understand... and I can handle it. I promise, you don’t have to worry about me”

She hesitated for a second incase there was anything more that Kaien wanted to say, but he only continued to watch her with the same worried gaze.

“I should go then... I don’t want to leave him any longer.”

Then Yuki turned and ran.

* 

It was hard to believe how much had happened in just one night - and it wasn’t even over yet. How far away those moments of moping over what Zero thought of her seemed to Yuki now (and how foolish her own worries seemed in comparison what he was going through). Now she ran out once more into the night, ignoring the cold air as it snatched at her speeding figure. Now that the girls were safe, the sole focus of her thoughts was Zero. Her mind had begun to torture itself with thoughts of what sort of state she might find him in. Yuki felt the urgent need to get back to him increase with every step she took.

But she could not think like this, she remembered. Though Yuki felt she would have said anything for the Headmaster to let her leave before, she realised that she could not ignore his advice. It wasn’t fair to Zero for Yuki to go after him in a state of panic. If she was to help him, then she would have to stay calm.

Yuki slowed then came to a complete stop in the middle of the Academy grounds and took a deep breath of the icy air to relax herself. She simply had to stop thinking so negatively. After all, Zero had had plenty of time to calm down. Surely he could not still be in as bad a state as when Yuki left him.

It was as she considered this that Yuki realised something. As she ran before, all she had been able to concentrate on had been Zero. He had filled her mind, so it had seemed natural that it was as if she could feel him also. But now that she had calmed herself slightly, Yuki realised that it hadn’t simply been her imagination, his presence was all around her. There was no doubt of it; he had made it back to the school grounds.

Yuki felt a small rush of relief, knowing that Zero had been well enough to make it this far. She set her mind to pinpointing his location.

Despite the large number of people nearby, it was easy enough to do. Even without the certain level of darkness she could feel from him – which stood out by miles from the hundreds of human auras around – she would have known Zero anywhere. It took only a few seconds for Yuki to figure out which direction he’d headed in.

Zero had not gone back to his room, as Yuki might have previously assumed. Nor was he outside. It seemed that he had headed for one of the buildings on the outskirts of the school. She began to make her way past the empty classrooms, towards it. Yuki wasn’t sure what time it was, but it seemed that Yori had performed her prefect duties alone already. She hoped that Yori was safely back in her room, she didn’t want to think about what would happen if her friend saw Zero in his current state.

Yuki had now made it past the main building and she could see the place she was looking for – she realised now that it was the stables. She stood still now, just looking at it and thinking. There was no doubt in Yuki’s mind that this was where Zero was – out of the way of the dorms, where he could not hurt anyone.

Yuki still felt that sense of urgency, niggling away at her, but there were other things now that she had to worry about as well. She wanted to be sure that she could keep a cool head. Yuki stopped so that she could make sure that all her calm would not go flying out the window once she saw Zero. She wanted to mentally prepare herself for what she might find. So Yuki took one last moment to brace herself, and then she stepped forward, towards the stables.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from adventure.exe by final fantasy)


	16. And love, just like blood, will always stain

There was a disturbing atmosphere emanating from the building in front of Yuki. As she stepped hesitantly forward she felt how the night changed around her, became something darker. As if the pain she could sense from Zero alone wasn’t enough, she could hear the horses shaking and stamping; their agitation obvious from even outside the stable. Zero’s presence in his current state was terrifying them. Yuki felt pity for the creatures as she entered and looked around, but it was Zero’s sullen form her eyes glued themselves to instantly. He was slumped at the far end of the building. His eyes were shut, but Yuki did not think he was sleeping.

Zero’s breathing had calmed and he was lying back against the wall rather than hunched over like earlier. The only suggestion of any inner struggle from his appearance was the way his fists were clenched at his sides and the way his face wasn’t quite relaxed. He looked sick, Yuki thought; his skin was pale and clammy, his body weak. The worst of it, though, was not what she could see, but what she could feel. The thing that was scaring the horses so badly... There was something inside of Zero – something that was usually tightly under control, something awful... and it was struggling like hell to escape.

Yuki sucked in a few unsteady breaths while reminding herself once more about remaining calm. Then she walked slowly forwards, stopped a few feet away from Zero and sat down.

His eyes opened then and focused on her. Yuki wondered if he had been expecting her to come, but he gave no sign of it, nor any of surprise.

She watched him quietly and for all her telling herself to be calm, she had forgotten to tell herself what to say. Words, questions flared up inside her mind but died away before they could reach her tongue – nothing seemed appropriate for the situation.

It was Zero, to Yuki’s surprise, who broke the silence. With a laugh, of all things – a hollow and bitter sound that must have been painful to make, but it seemed he was past caring about such things.

“What are you looking at me so expectantly for? You’re waiting for something?” The look Zero gave her was harsh, but the hatred contained within it was not directed at Yuki. This time he was keeping it all for himself.

Yuki answered him softly, “I was trying to come up with the best way to ask how you’re feeling... but nothing seems appropriate.”

“How I’m feeling...?” Zero’s head lowered as he trailed off and his eyes became hidden beneath his silver hair as it fell forward. “What does it matter?” he murmured.

There was a certain weight to Zero’s words that Yuki had never heard from him before and she found she couldn’t answer. After a moment, he continued anyway. “I think... it’s all almost over now anyway.”

“Almost... over?” Yuki frowned at him as she tried to make sense of his words and tried to place his strange tone. That heaviness... it was so tangible, she could feel it in her limbs, weighing her to the spot as she watched him. But of course Zero didn’t elaborate. He was silent for such a long time and Yuki’s heart contracted painfully because she had never seen him looking so miserable.

She whispered, “What happened before couldn’t be helped. I don’t blame you for it – in fact I admire you for being able to stay so strong, even though –”

“Don’t patronise me.” He didn’t say it loudly, but the way Zero’s eyes blazed showed his anger at her attempt to console him. His sudden change in mood took Yuki by surprise. “My position right now may be pretty low, but that doesn’t mean I suddenly want your pity.”

Yuki could only stare at Zero in alarm, struck silent by the deadly edge to his words. However, it seemed that his anger had only intensified the thirst he was feeling. She watched in dismayed silence as he clutched once more at his throat, while the pained look returned to his face. His head dropped and the silence continued until he had managed to get himself back under control. When he finally spoke again, it was in a voice saturated with bitterness, “I know there was nothing admirable about my behaviour. What happened to that girl meant nothing to me. I simply didn’t want to give in to becoming what I hate.”

Under other circumstances, Yuki might have felt inclined not to believe him, but at this moment, she wasn’t about to debate whether or not he was telling the truth – she didn’t care.

She spoke in a low voice, “I suppose I’m not really surprised that you don’t believe it yourself, but I meant it anyway. I can’t see you in any other way than admirable. I saw a different side to you tonight – not the vampire side, but the side of you that would fight through intense pain to uphold what you believe in.”

Yuki refused to look at Zero while she spoke, because if he didn’t believe her then she didn’t want to see that. Saying the words out loud only made her feel more strongly about it; he did not deserve this curse that had been placed upon him. Whenever people came into contact with Zero, they all saw the same things – that he was grumpy and cold and full of hatred... and then there were the things that only Yuki and Kaien knew: how he had been broken at an early age and his situation had never allowed him to heal from it, so everything had only got worse over time. But underneath all of this there was something that only someone who took the time to look closely would see: that he was good. The way he fought so hard against what he was becoming proved it. And so did the look on his face when Yuki had held his hand earlier. No one who was as bad as Zero made himself out to be could have made that face.

Now Yuki was beginning to realise more than ever what Zero was going through and just how strong he would have to be. She remembered those emotionless looks of his and wondered how he could keep it all inside. How could something so awful be contained like that? Zero must have been _terrified_ of what was going to happen to him. It wasn’t just the memories of his past or the hatred in his present... What was happening to him must have been really, truly scary.

Yuki had never wanted Zero to suffer again, but that was all that lay in his future... if she didn’t help him.

She looked back up at him finally and saw his slumped form, how his breathing had slowed again, but still wasn’t quite relaxed. Zero always looked so hostile and unfriendly, but underneath that he was sad and tired and afraid.

And Yuki loved him.

In reality it was horribly complicated and the full implications of the feelings she suddenly understood would not occur to her until later. But in that moment it came to her as something very simple: she loved Zero and she knew she would give anything she had, if only it would make him feel better. Yuki only wished that the solution she had did not come at a cost for _him_.

Zero sat there still and Yuki moved towards him. That oddly heavy feeling that had penetrated her limbs made her movements slow and clumsy, but it was her new understanding that gave her the strength to move. She saw Zero raise his head and noticed the look in his eyes warning her to stay away, but this time Yuki ignored it. She felt his whole body stiffen as she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him tight against her.

She wasn’t ready for the way the smell of him would fill her senses. Her head reeled from it and it took a few seconds for her to get used to it. Yuki found it hurt to be so close to Zero and to want to taste his blood so much, but she didn’t mind. It made her feel closer to him; like she was sharing his pain.

She was not sure if she had expected him to push her away, but he didn’t. He stayed the same; frozen in place. Perhaps it was shock that kept him from shoving her away from him. Yuki wondered when the last time someone had held him might have been, and she would not have been surprised if this was the first time since his parents had been killed.

She clutched at Zero, pressing her face against his neck, deepening the torture she felt. The scent of him seemed to be invading every inch of her body and never before had she known how it felt to want something so badly. How fitting that this was the one thing Yuki knew she could never have. She was glad that Zero couldn’t see her face and couldn’t tell that her eyes were now probably the same shade of red as his. Her fangs ached to release the blood she could feel pumping through the artery in his neck. She had never been tested like this before, but she would not fail. She would make up for the strength she was going to ask Zero to forsake.

Zero had remained silent and immobile for such a long time that Yuki was surprised when he spoke before she did, though in all fairness, in her current position it had been hard for her to concentrate on much else than the unfamiliar thirst building up inside her. On some level, however, she had noticed that Zero’s breathing had started to grow quicker and shallower before he spoke. He said, his voice strained, “You should really... let go now.”

Yuki had pressed her mouth into a tight line to make it all easier for her, but now she knew she needed to speak. She drew back ever so slightly, while still holding on to him. She worried that Zero would use the opportunity to slip away, but he was still. She let out a slow, shuddering breath and hoped that it wouldn’t give her away. When she inhaled it was as though she could taste him, he was so close, but she ignored the sensation as much as she could ignore something that seemed to be affecting every nerve in her body.

“I can’t... Zero, I’m sorry... I realise what you meant just then when you said it was almost over... You can no longer exist as a human, the way you’ve been trying to for the last four years... You have to drink my blood and live on as a vampire. Even if you hate me for it, I know what the other option is and I can’t let that happen.”

Once she had finished speaking, Yuki heard that bitter laugh again, this time right next to her ear. Zero’s mouth was so close to her neck – she tried to suppress a shiver.

“Sounds like... you aren’t... going to give me a choice?”

“I’m sorry...”

She felt him move then, as he slowly brought his hand up to the side of her neck that his face was already so close to. Zero whispered through ragged breaths, “And here was I... beginning to think that you were such... an innocent...” Yuki stayed still while she felt his fingers tickle her skin as he swept her long dark locks out of his way. “But... but...” Now she could feel his breath, warm on her neck and coming even faster than before.

Oh, did she ever imagine she would feel him so close? That she would feel Zero’s lips hovering above her skin like this? Yuki pressed her mouth back into that tight line. Her throat was on fire. She briefly wondered if he realised what his proximity was doing to her and was drawing this torture out on purpose as some sort of punishment for what she had asked of him. But she didn’t think that that was like him. Perhaps he was just trying to gather some sort of courage, though whether it was to stop or go on, Yuki couldn’t tell. She wished she knew what he was thinking, but that was only until all coherent thought flew out of her own mind when she felt Zero’s lips descend upon her neck and his tongue dash out to taste her skin. She had no time to regain her composure before she felt his fangs plunge roughly into her neck.

The pain was enough to make Yuki gasp and as the air, which tasted of him, rushed into her lungs the burning sensation in her throat was renewed. She clamped her mouth shut again, though it did little to dispel the lingering taste, nor did it do anything about the intoxicating scent of him.

Yuki’s eyes had begun to water a little. Of course he wouldn’t be gentle. The fact that she was surprised showed how naive she had been. It wasn’t that she could not handle the pain, only that she was not used to being bitten with so little restraint. Zero had plunged his fangs deeply into the flesh of her neck, tearing a little at the artery to release the blood. In his inexperience, he had let a fair amount of it spill and Yuki felt it trickle down, staining the white of her dress.

But Zero’s vampire instincts were enough to tell him what to do and soon he was greedily sucking in her blood. Yuki felt her body calm slightly with the hypnotic sound of it. She noticed that Zero’s arms were around her waist, holding her close to him and a quiet part of her wondered if perhaps there was a chance that he wouldn’t hate her for this. But she knew really that it had little to do with affection. The way he was holding her gave her the impression that he was clinging on to something far more than just a body. Yuki realised that it was easy enough for her to tell him to be a vampire; being one was all she had ever known. But of course it wasn’t something Zero could give in to so easily. He desperately wanted to keep himself from being swept away by the part of him he had just unleashed. And so he clung to her.

Yuki knew what it was that scared him so, because she felt it herself. This action was hugely significant for the both of them. After this, nothing could ever really be the same for them again. The thought of it scared her too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from fell down the stairs by tilly and the wall)


	17. Darling, I’m lost

Yellow light had been creeping slowly through a gap in Zero’s curtains to illuminate the bed on which he slept for a while before it finally disturbed him. He woke slowly and reluctantly and with a feeling of surprise that he had fallen asleep at all. The night before, he had been sure that sleep would not come, but apparently it had chosen only to evade him while darkness remained. The clock on his bedside table told him he had slept through the whole day instead; the light that woke him had been the golden glow of sunset.

Even during the first seconds of consciousness the memory of events from the night before where impossible to ignore, though Zero would have liked very much to forget them entirely. So many things had happened in the space of one night, all of which he had wished he would never have to deal with. But from the instant he awoke, he could already feel the changes in him. He sat up and looked around at his room and it had been a long time since he had observed anything with such clarity. The thirst, which had been growing and growing to the point where madness was not far off had shrunk to something unnoticeable – after all this time, it had been satisfied.

Zero had never expected this to happen. He had known how his life was supposed to play out. The thirst was supposed to grow until his sanity had been lost entirely and then the other hunters were supposed to come for him. He had hoped that before it came to that he would have the chance for revenge, but last night he had been sure that that was no longer an option. Once the hunters had found out that he could no longer do his job properly, they would have come to finally kill him. But instead of the fate Zero had prepared himself for, he had been thrown a lifeline, one that he was not entirely sure how to use.

He did not want to think about her – what she’d done for him and the implications of it – but those memories were not something that could be easily pushed away. He remembered how, afterwards, he had regained his senses to find himself tangled in a bloody embrace with a girl who was supposed to be his enemy. Zero had always thought he would choose death before choosing to feed on the life of another.

She had been sneaky, asking Zero at his weakest, pulling him so close, so that he could smell the blood running beneath her skin... He should have been furious at it – part of him was – but he knew that her actions were derived from concern and a genuine desire to help him. If he’d had any doubt of it before then it was gone now. There was something in the way Yuki had tasted that told him she had never been trying to deceive him. Zero didn’t understand it really. He just knew it somehow. And that feeling was keeping him from being truly angry at her.

He had not wanted to speak to her, though, because there was nothing Yuki could do to take away the shame of it. The son of two high ranking vampire hunters reduced to this... what would his parents have thought? And Ichiru... would he have laughed? Zero buried his face in his hands. He must not think of that – not if he wished to keep a grip on the sanity that had been salvaged only the night before.

“Are you alright?” Yuki had asked. He had been unable to answer. Zero had been far from alright; the thirst had receded but he was now able to view what he had done with a clear head. He had given in. The beast inside him had wanted it so much, it had taken over so that he barely even noticed as he crossed the line he had avoided for so long.

He had felt the blood inside him and he had not known whether to love the feeling or hate it. It was something so natural and satisfying to his vampire instincts, but rejected by his human mind.

And while he had struggled with these thoughts, Yuki had watched him with such sad eyes, so he had asked her to leave. He had not known what to say to her, he just wanted to be alone.

Now he wondered; did he have to thank her? He was not sure if he had it in him if that was what she expected. Zero pictured Yuki’s face with her wide, honest eyes that always gave her emotions away too easily; she wouldn’t expect anything, he thought. But still he wondered what he could possibly say to her after something like that.  
0  
Kaien was already cooking the evening meal when Zero left his room. He could hear Kaien humming to himself from the kitchen, his mood clearly a far cry from Zero’s – as always. Zero wasn’t sure if he could face it now. After last night, could he possibly act like nothing had changed? There was no way that the memory of it would leave him alone long enough to even try.

As Zero stood in the hallway outside his room, he knew that he did not want to have to face Kaien’s questions. He did not want to have to admit to what he had done. Why say it out loud when the truth was probably easy enough to guess anyway.

Zero made the quick decision to steer away from the cheerful humming of his guardian and head for the solitude of the outdoors instead. It seemed however that he had not been quick enough; he had barely reached for the door handle when he heard a call from behind him and approaching footsteps.

“Kiryu?”

Zero wondered if it was worth ignoring him, pretending he hadn’t heard and making his exit while he still had the chance. But he hesitated too long. He heard the Headmaster speak from behind him, “I thought that was you... where are you going?”

Zero turned slightly, but didn’t look Kaien in the eye, “Just outside.”

But by that point he knew he was not going to get away and Kaien’s words proved him right, “Hmm... well dinner’s almost ready. Perhaps you should wait until after. I wanted to talk to you anyway.”

Not even five minutes later Zero was sat at the dining room table, having grudgingly given in, listening to Kaien witter on about how he had thought it best to give Zero the day off school and did he sleep well? But, though his conversation was bright and cheery as always, it was punctuated with some slightly more serious and concerned looks that were starting to bug Zero.

“What is it?” he said finally. “I’m fine! You don’t have to keep looking at me like that.”

Kaien smiled, “That’s true. You do seem a lot better than I expected. Yuki was very worried about you last night so she’ll be glad to know you’re feeling better now.”

Zero didn’t respond and before Kaien was given a chance to question him about what had happened, they were interrupted by a cry from another room. Both of them watched in surprise as Yuki ran into the room wearing a distressed expression.

Kaien got to his feet, “Yuki?” he asked with concern. Yuki peered up at him with those large dark eyes, her mouth set in a pout.

“There’s a spider in the bathroom,” she mumbled.

Now Zero watched disgustedly as Kaien’s expression changed to match Yuki’s and the two slowly turned to face him.

“Zero, do something!” the Headmaster whined and Yuki chimed in, “It’s really big Zero. It’s scary!”

The expression Yuki was wearing was a childish pout. It was meant to be silly and to make him smile and give in and if he had been any other person in any other circumstance it might have worked, but instead it only made him mad. It smashed right through that strange quiet confusion he had been feeling since he woke and turned the debris into anger. Zero had not been sure how Yuki would act when he saw her again, but he really had not been expecting this pretence.

There was no way that he was going to humour them while they both acted like everything was normal. Nor was he about wait around to talk to Kaien when he was so easily distracted by something stupid like that. Rather than answering either of them Zero simply stood and left, the way he had wanted to earlier.

He let himself out of the house and headed straight for the balcony of the school building, where he always went to seek solitude. There he felt his anger lessen as he sat down against a wall and took in the peace of the academy in the dusky light. He could not do away with his anger completely, though. It had bothered him to see Yuki acting like nothing out of the ordinary had happened the night before. Could she really have put it from her mind so quickly, while he could still feel the impact her blood was making on him; while he could still recall so vividly how she tasted?

Zero had had four years to get used to the way the smell of blood made his body react, but he had never before known what it was like to taste it. He had always been disgusted by this desire over which the only control he had had was to deny himself of it completely. Now that he had finally given in, he could no longer ignore how good it had felt. And really, that was the root of the confusion he had felt all evening. He could not deny how he had enjoyed the feeling of letting go of all he had tried so hard to lock inside himself. He had understood what it was he was losing and hated himself for being so weak. He had mourned the humanity that was being snatched away from him, but none of it had been enough to make him stop. In the end, everything he had been running away from, her, his thirst for blood, had been his only source of comfort since all of this had began. For just that moment, she had been the one to take away his suffering.

 _But I don’t want to rely on her_ , Zero thought desperately, _I only want..._ But that thought was pointless; what was there that he could have? Revenge? Or death – to be released from this miserable life he led? Deep down, the thing he wished for always, was the impossible: for things to be the way they were before, when he had had a family and a future where he would actually belong. But that could never be, so instead, he knew what he would do. He would wait for the other two options – whichever of them came first.

“Why did she bother?” he murmured to himself.

“Zero?” Yuki’s voice floated up from somewhere below and within a minute she had clambered up to join him on the balcony. When she looked over at him, she wore an expression he could not fully describe, it contained warmth, but also regret. She stood at the opposite side of the balcony from him, an ethereal being in the twilight, though her long hair and her pale, loose-fitting dress were dishevelled from her climb.

Zero frowned at her as she approached. “Please, I just want to be alone,” he told her, but all she did was sit down beside him.

“I know. I’m sorry,” Yuki said quietly, “But I haven’t had a chance to speak to you since last night. I wanted to know if you were okay.”

“The urge to kill has subsided for now,” Zero muttered dryly, “So I guess your plan worked.”

“That’s – uh, that’s good,” Yuki replied. She had a sort of apologetic half smile on her face as she looked at him. “I was being silly before wasn’t I?” The way she spoke was slightly sheepish but Zero sensed there was more to it than that. He was sure that her happy-go-lucky attitude was covering up for something else.

Looking away, he muttered, “It annoyed me. I don’t want you to pretend like nothing happened last night. Not unless you really don’t care about it... It’s not like I’ve ever acted that way for your benefit before.”

It was a moment before Yuki responded and when she did, her voice sounded suddenly much smaller... and sadder, Zero thought. “You’re right... There are times when you are such a mystery to me, but you’re always so... unfailingly yourself. I don’t know how to act like that. How can I, when everything I’ve ever been sure of is changing so suddenly? There are so many things I’m scared about now.”

And right there her uncertainty was confirmed. She must have been just as concerned about the night before as he was, but he didn’t like it. This only showed how much he had been relying on Yuki to know what to do next. If she had at least been sure about her actions then maybe it could have given him a reason to accept all of this. Now he knew that it had only brought confusion to them both. What was there worth accepting in that?

“You shouldn’t have done it,” Zero whispered.

He felt her eyes on him finally and he turned to meet her sad gaze. “Please don’t say something like that,” Yuki said in a tiny voice.

Zero gave a tired shake of his head. “You were the one who should have been sure. You were well aware that I was in no condition to refuse you. You used that fully to your advantage.”

Yuki’s mask of cheerfulness that had been slowly cracking since their conversation began had fallen away entirely now, revealing her unhappiness. “I knew you wouldn’t forgive me for that,” she mumbled, “I think I was too hopeful though, it makes me sad anyway... Ah, no! I shouldn’t say that!” she forced a smile, “As long as you’re okay, I’m glad. I don’t regret it.”

Zero took in that forced smile, the sadness lurking beneath it and he sighed. “I’m not following you.”

“Even if I am scared in some ways, I am glad I helped you. You have your doubts now, but something good has to come out of this, surely. Please don’t worry so much, that’s all,” she told him gently. “It’s something I want to try hard with too. I _am_ scared of things that may happen, but I’m going to try not to be. Whatever happens in the future, I’ll be able to handle it. So I just want to focus on knowing that if you’re okay then I don’t have to regret anything.”

Zero’s weary eyes were locked with hers. “But I’m not worried.” He would not ask aloud, but he wondered what Yuki thought he had that was worth worrying about. “And I’m not okay.”

If her expression changed, it was only because there was now some hint of determination in it. He felt Yuki’s small soft hand brush against his, then clasp it tightly.

“You can be. I’ll stay by your side and I’ll make sure of it.”

Zero had been alone for so long, but now that feeling of Yuki’s hand holding his – the warmth he could feel from it, despite the chill of winter around them – and the way she looked at him seemed to promise something. That it did not have to be that way any longer.

Zero looked away.

“You look so sad, Zero,” Yuki whispered. He could still feel her hand on his, he wanted to cling to it and pull away in equal measures. “I wish I could take away your sadness forever.”

“Please, don’t be so kind to me.”

It was a relief when her hand pulled away from his, though his fingers moved on their own to close over her lingering warmth.

“I don’t need you to answer me,” she told him, “I’ll be here anyway, whenever you need me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from broadripple is burning by margot and the nuclear so and sos)


	18. We’ve got to live the best we know how

It was almost difficult for Yuki to stand by her decision not to regret anything as she watched Zero sitting so still. Light faded slowly around him and still he remained, head slumped in that way that made his hair fall over his eyes, shielding them. She had caused him to suffer again, some cruel part of her mind told her. But she had become determined not to listen to that part any longer. From now on, Yuki wanted to be strong. She did not want to continue to show Zero the sadness she felt for him, but wanted instead to smile for him, so that in time he might learn to smile too. She only hoped that she possessed the strength she required to pull it off.

“We should speak about something else,” Yuki said, breaking the long silence.

But Zero did not speak, or even move. She noticed how the hand she had been holding before was still resting at his side. His fingers were curled up, clutching at some sort of phantom of hers. She saw what he was doing; her hand was doing the same. Seeing it seemed like some kind of confirmation that everything was different now. Not that any confirmation was really required.

Yuki got to her feet then asked, “Can we not just forget about it? Take this as a chance for a new start?”

“I don’t think I could...”

“But you could try.”

He looked up at her with those haunted eyes in which the answer lay: __perhaps,__ they said _ _, but that is not who I am. You forget: there is no hope for me.__

Yuki knew that the only thing she could do was refuse to believe it.

“It’s okay to smile,” she said quietly, “it’s not pretending, like you think.”  She peered up into the night sky, speaking almost to herself. “It’s just sometimes that’s the only way to take the pain.” Her eyes drifted back to Zero. The boy with the heart shrouded in ice – something designed to keep out the ghosts, but which had only succeeding in trapping them inside. “I understand if it doesn’t work that way for you. If you just weren’t built that way... but I wish that you would try anyway.”

Yuki sat again then lay back on the stone floor, letting her hair and dress fan out around her. “It’s cold,” she murmured.

There was a long silence, during which she let her eyes close... and then Zero spoke, “You don’t dress properly for the weather.”

Yuki’s eyes opened and she looked over at him. Small talk – really? She smiled, almost giggled. Yes he was right; she had run outside without her shoes, of all things. In a hurry and absent minded as always. “I never had much reason to worry about it before,” she told him. “I was never outside for more than a few minutes at a time before I came here... and now look at me,” she pressed her fingers against the cold stone floor that she was lying on, watched her foggy breath disappear into the air before her. “It’s strange how everything changed so suddenly... I’m really grateful that I was able to come.”

There was another silence, but this one shorter than the last. “You really like it here that much?”

Yuki sat up now and turned so that she could see Zero properly. He was still in the same spot as before, but she had the definite sense now that he was trying, like she had asked. Even if, underneath his casually spoken questions, she could still see his unhappiness.

“Of course,” Yuki answered him. “It’s beautiful here. As far as freedom goes, it’s not much, but it’s more than I’m used to. And I have friends here... I’m used to missing Kaname, but I’ve found it doesn’t hurt so much while I have Yori and the Headmaster and... you...”

Zero had been staring out into the trees but now he turned to look at her and Yuki felt her face heat up. It felt like a bold statement to suggest that she __‘had’__  Zero in any way, but Yuki hoped that it would be taken the way she meant it: simply that he was more important than he seemed to think. She still couldn’t make out what he made of her words though, even his slight frown did not tell her much. Yuki had to look away. She felt a little awkward now and she struggled to remember what she had been talking about...

Kaname - oh, yes... Yuki was so used to bringing him up casually that she was not ready for the surge of guilt that appeared with the thought of him now. Should she really be talking of being grateful to come to the academy when she felt sure that if Kaname had known what she would do here, if he had been able to predict any of last night, he would not have let her come? Yuki knew that was the case. It would be naive of her to think anything otherwise. Instead of saying these things, shouldn’t she be giving more thought to Kaname’s feelings?

Yuki sighed. “I do... miss him,” she mumbled.

Zero’s expression was betraying, if anything, only the barest hint of interest, but still he asked, “You chose to come here right? Why did you separate yourself from him if you were only going to miss him?”

Yuki wondered Zero he asked because he was curious or if he was just humouring her. “Do you really want to know?” she questioned.

“It doesn’t really matter whether you tell me or not,” he replied.

He was humouring her then, Yuki decided. “Hmm that’s what I thought. But since you asked, I don’t mind telling you... It is strange though; I’ve never spoken aloud to someone about it before.

“Well, I suppose the reason I left is that while I was there all I ever seemed to be was just some sort of extension of Kaname. I know that being a pureblood is supposed to make me important in some way, but I don’t feel like that. And I don’t think there’s any reason for anyone to see me like that either. But I don’t have to worry about it here. I feel I can be whatever I choose rather than whatever it is that people see me as or expect from me. I cannot do that if I am always living in Kaname’s shadow. And this doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate him, but I can’t help but want to be more than his over-protected little sister.”  

Even as Yuki explained herself, a gloomy feeling was settling itself over her. While it was true that she did not regret any part of her stay here, it could not be denied that things had hardly gone the way she had expected them to. She could never have predicted that she would end up feeling the way she did about Zero. t was that because she would have previously regarded such feelings as a betrayal of Kaname? It seemed likely. Now, however, she simply didn’t know what to think and this confusion was getting to her a little bit more every time she let herself think about it.

“You look unhappy,” Zero noted, to Yuki’s surprise. “Does speaking about this upset you?”

“Not really...” she replied, but not wanting him to know the real reason she was upset, she added, “But I feel guilty for saying things like that about Kaname, when he has only ever looked after me. I probably sound like an ungrateful child.”

She had expected Zero to stay quiet, but instead, he surprised her again by telling her, “I don’t think you should have to apologise for something like that – for only wanting your freedom.”

Yuki stared at him, trying to figure out if he meant it, but the expression on his face had barely changed since the beginning of the conversation. “Really? I thought you of all people would think my wishes petty and selfish.” She added sadly, “Compared to all you’ve suffered, my troubles are pretty pathetic.”

Zero frowned slightly. “That’s not true,” he said softly.

And from the way he looked at her as he said it, she could tell he was thinking of the time she’d spoken to him about the night her parents died. “That’s not really the same. And I was so young; I don’t really remember it that clearly.”

“That doesn’t really make a difference, does it?” Zero’s eyes were meeting hers steadily now, something she certainly wasn’t used to from him.

Yuki returned his gaze for a long moment, and then shook her head, “No,” she said softly, “I suppose it doesn’t.”

“My only point is that you have your reasons to be unhappy, but you’ve dealt with them better than I have. We’re different people, so there’s no need to make comparisons the way you are doing.”

Yuki felt her lips curling involuntary into a smile. “I think... you’re being too generous to me, Zero.” What a strange idea... Just when she thought she had got to know him, he surprised her. “But thank you.”

Zero said nothing in response and the look on his face was giving nothing away to her, but Yuki did not mind. She wondered; if it __was__  true then could Zero’s words be applied to more than just the worries she had spoken aloud? Were her feelings and actions really so wrong? Or were they also something she should not have to apologise for? Though it was true that they were a betrayal of Kaname in some respects, perhaps she just should not have been placed in such a position where these acts could be considered a betrayal in the first place. Perhaps she should have been given more freedom than that.

But no; shouldn’t Yuki know better than to find convoluted ways of blaming her own actions on others? Though she deserved freedom, it was silly and childish to use that as an excuse. What was done was done. If there were any consequences (and Yuki felt that there would be) then she would try to be mature and deal with them however she could.

She had her worries, but she smiled anyway, because Zero had been kind to her in his way and for now that seemed like enough.

“It feels strange to have you listening to me like this... perhaps we should go back inside. You’ve probably had enough of humouring me for one night.”

“Hmm... Only problem with that is, if I go back inside I’ll just have listen to __someone else__  instead.”

“He’s only worried about you... I saw him last night, but I was only able to tell him that I __thought__  you were alright. I didn’t think it a good idea to go into the details of what we did.”

The night before, Yuki had had to sneak into her room to change so that Kaien would not see the blood on her dress. The wound on her neck had healed already, but the red stain remained. She washed it from her skin right away but when she came to wash it from the fabric later in the night that stain refused to fully fade away. She had balled up the ruined dress at the back of her wardrobe, not sure what to do with it.

Yuki could not say how convincing the story she had given the Headmaster had been but she had her suspicions that the truth would become obvious to him eventually anyway, and that lessened the guilt. She hoped that if he did figure it out, then he would understand.

Zero peered at her unhappily for a few seconds then looked away.

“Well, then let’s go back.”

*

This time when they walked together, Zero walked beside her. Yuki didn’t think she knew how to be alone with him really. Not when it was quiet like this. There was always something else there with them, hanging thick in the air. This time it was blood.

Zero never looked happy, but it was different than usual. Worse maybe, or perhaps even the opposite; how do you measure these things really?

Yuki spoke to him, something mundane, so that it wasn’t like he was ignoring her when he didn’t say anything back.

Looking at Zero, she realised that something had happened to his anger. It seemed to have lapsed away as if he were just too tired to keep it up any more. It was a shocking thing to see, she had thought his anger a constant.

Anger was what drove him.

Yuki didn’t want Zero to be angry, but what was he without it? The word __scared__  came to mind and there was nothing in his manner that would dismiss it. Remember when his eyes were a mystery? Yuki had wondered then how pale lavender could convey such violence. Now they were just bleak – everything about him seemed that way.

“Zero,” Yuki said, making sure her voice didn’t tremble (she had not forgotten about being strong), “I won’t let you down... Please don’t be scared.”

But when he turned to her, frowning, his look said that she was misunderstanding something. And that made sense somehow; Yuki couldn’t understand. Couldn’t ask. Didn’t expect an answer.

“Well it may be a silly thing to say,” she mumbled, “But, I want to try. I want to do something.”

 “You don’t have to do anything,” Zero said dully. “Whatever it is you’re worrying about now – don’t. It doesn’t matter.”

__That’s not true,__  Yuki thought, now frowning herself. They walked for a few seconds in silence, while Yuki tried in vain to come up with some sort of magic words that would make Zero understand and accept her point of view. Then Zero spoke again, quietly, “How did the two of us get to this point?”

The question seemed to hold a lot of weight and Yuki didn’t have an answer. Instead another question was forming in her mind. Last night, before everything changed, Zero had as good as told her that he had stopped hating her. She wanted to know; what did Zero think of her now?  

But before she could ask the question out loud Zero stopped walking. Yuki followed suit, giving him a questioning look.

“There’s someone out here,” he said.

Yuki began to ask, “You mean a student or-”

Zero had turned and taken a step back the way they had just come so she turned too just in time to see a man step out from behind one of the trees.

“Took you long enough to notice me,” the man grumbled. He looked over at them through one narrowed eye; the space where his other eye should have been was covered with a large eye patch. “So how is my old apprentice these days? It’s been a while.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Chapter title from A Sea Shanty of Sorts by Margot & the Nuclear So and So's)


	19. Here I am, waiting to hold you

_“Master?” The boy spoke without taking his eyes off the table. His voice was quiet and a little croaky sounding. It was the first word he’d said in days. “Why haven’t you killed me?”_

_Yagari’s eyes narrowed at his apprentice. “Why the hell should I do that?”_

_Zero’s pale eyes flickered briefly upwards towards his master, but he found it impossible to look the man fully in the face. It had been maybe a year since they had seen each other last and everything had changed since then. His fingers found the place where he had been bitten that night. The pain of it had never properly healed._

_“The Headmaster took me to get this tattoo so that I wouldn’t turn into a vampire... but it hasn’t worked. I can tell what’s happening to me... Everyone at school is scared of me. A boy fell and cut his hand last week and I thought it smelled good. People noticed me looking. They can tell there’s something wrong with me.”_

_“Is that why you tried to kill yourself?” Yagari asked._

_He hated that he had to ask such a thing of the young boy. This should not have been happening. No child should have to wear an expression like the one Zero had on his face at that moment. But then, he was hardly like a child at all anymore. There was nothing left of the boy he used to be._

_“I wanted to make it all stop,” came Zero’s miserable response, “I keep dreaming about that woman every night. I can’t stand it.”_

_Yagari didn’t know what to say. He felt sorry for the kid, but sympathy had never been one of his strong suits._

_Zero continued, “You told me that vampires could never be our friends. Doesn’t that make me your enemy?”_

_The older man eyed Zero warily. “That depends on you. Maybe one day you will be on my execution list, but it’s only inevitable if you don’t try to fight it.”_

_Zero didn’t answer; he just kept his eyes on the tabletop. Yagari wished it wasn’t so, but he didn’t look like a boy who had much worth fighting for._

_“Look Zero, I’ve been hunting long enough know what vampires are like and the way I see it is this: if that pureblood could see you now, she’d be laughing. I don’t know why she ran off with Ichiru and left you the way she did, but whatever her reasons, she wanted you to suffer like this. At least if you fight against what she did, you aren’t giving in to what she wanted.”_

_There was a moment when both of them were silent, and then Zero asked, “Is she still out there somewhere?”_

_Yagari gave him a scrutinising look then answered, “I couldn’t say. Probably; somewhere.”_

_“I want to kill her.”_

_“Then do it.”_

_Zero looked up at his master finally and Yagari thought that there might have been a slight hint of determination in the way his mouth was set._

_“But let me tell you,” Yagari continued, “You won’t get far if you keep trying to run away from all your problems.”_

_Zero considered this, his face grave. Then he uttered, “I’ll get stronger then. And one day I’ll find her and get revenge.”_

_Then it won’t matter what happens to me after that, the boy added silently._

*

“Master,” Zero said quietly. “Hello...”

And that was all he said, because he was not surprised that Yagari had come – he had simply wondered when he would show. Perhaps under different circumstances he would have been pleased to see his old master, but Zero knew why Yagari was here. It was not a social visit; the hunter had come on business. And now the questions would come. What happened last night? The last thing Zero wanted to answer.  
“You look well,” the statement was almost accusatory. “Better than I expected anyway.”

Zero didn’t answer. He wished he was somewhere else. He could feel Yuki’s presence next to him and Yagari’s confusion over it was evident. Whatever was going on between Yuki and him wasn’t something Zero wanted to explain. Especially when it was something he didn’t really understand anyway.

“Well then alright, I’ll just come out with it: since when did you start getting so friendly with vampires?”

“The Headmaster invited her here a while ago,” Zero muttered.

Yuki was not sure what to do with herself. There was a tension between the two males that she hesitated to break, but she did not like the feeling of letting them talk about her without speaking up either.

“Sounds like something that idiot would do... I was on my way to see him since I hadn’t expected you to be out like this.”

Both Zero and Yuki were silent.

“Let’s go then. I’d like to find someone who’ll tell me what the hell is going on here.”

Yagari turned and started to walk towards Kaien’s private quarters and Zero walked too, behind him. But Yuki didn’t want to trail along with them. She didn’t like the way this man had glared at her and how Zero had turned even more cold and silent in his presence – or how they both seemed to understand something that she remained ignorant to.

“Zero,” Yuki said quietly, staying put and hoping that he would not ignore her. But Zero turned back to look at her. His face had lost even more of its expression. “Who is that man? What is he doing here?”

“Name’s Toga Yagari,” Yagari called from ahead before Zero could respond. “And I’m here on an assignment for the Hunter Association.”

The meaning behind Yagari’s words was not lost on Yuki and she realised that part of her had understood since Zero had first greeted him, but had refused to accept it. She kept her eyes locked on Zero and he confirmed it for her, “He’s my master – he taught me when I was a child. He’s here because the association knows that something went wrong on my hunt last night.

 *

“There’s no reason for you to suspect Zero of anything; look at him! He’s fine!”

“Yuki,” Kaien said softly. “Please calm down. There’s no need to get upset about this.”

Yuki looked over at Zero. He was slumped in an armchair and he almost looked like he was not even paying attention. He had not said a word since he entered the room.

Yagari was leaning against a wall near the door. He spoke up in response to Yuki’s outburst, “I can see clearly as anyone that Zero isn’t a Level E. What I want to know is why he was unable to complete his assignment last night.”

But this was met with no response. Yuki, who had come straight to Zero’s defence, knew that she was in no position to actually reveal what had happened last night. She didn’t want to tell this man anyway.

Yagari was growing impatient. “Look Zero, Level E or not, all signs at the moment are pointing to you being unfit to hunt.”

The room was silent and Zero still hadn’t so much as looked up. “Maybe that’s true,” he said finally. He got to his feet. “Last night I killed the Level E I’d been assigned to hunt but that was all I managed to do. I was unable to help the girls it had taken captive... because one of them was bleeding so heavily that I couldn’t be around her. It wasn’t until they were gone that I calmed down. So yeah I probably am unfit to be a hunter. Do whatever you have to do about that. I don’t care. Just end this discussion already.”

Then without so much as glancing at any of them, Zero left the room.

Yuki watched in dismayed silence as the door closed behind him and she heard his footsteps heading towards his bedroom.

Kaien sighed, “We’re very lucky that Yuki was there to help out at the time. She delivered the girls safely to the school and I was able to get them to the hunter’s medical facility to be taken care of.”

Yagari did not look particularly impressed. There was a hint of disgust across his face as he asked, “And why, might I ask, was this vampire brat out on a hunt in the first place?”

Yuki had been staring at the closed door where Zero had just left, but now she turned to glare Yagari. “I forced Zero to take me out with him, so if that’s against the rules or something then don’t you dare take it out on him. It was my fault – and I don’t regret it one bit! _And_ I don’t know what it means for Zero if he can’t be a hunter anymore, but I can promise you that I will not let you hurt him.”

Yuki stood and turned back towards the door but she felt Kaien place a hand on her wrist before she could take a step. “Don’t follow him, Yuki. Let Zero be alone for a while.”

“But what if he wanted-”

“Then he’ll come to you.”

“He wouldn’t.”

“Then perhaps you need to let him learn to do so.”

Kaien gave her a gentle smile and Yuki realised that she had to do what she was told this time. “Sayori should be making her rounds by now; perhaps you could keep her company?”

Poor Yori. This was the second night in a row that Zero had left her alone to do her prefect rounds. And likely without a word of explanation. It was unfair, but what could be done given the situation?

Yuki nodded at Kaien. Yes she would go to Yori. She would let Zero be alone for now.

 *

“So this is your doing?” Yagari grumbled after Yuki left.

Kaien looked up in what Yagari felt sure was feigned puzzlement. “I’m sorry?”

“Getting this little pureblood to run around after Zero like that... No one else could have orchestrated something so absurd.”

Kaien smiled. “Don’t be silly. Yuki is kind hearted; it was only natural that she would want to help Zero.” Even as he attempted to brush off Yagari’s accusation, the Headmaster was looking immensely proud of himself.

“And you don’t think it was a little twisted to invite a pureblood to live with Zero after what happened to him?” Yagari was glaring disgustedly at the other man.

“Not at all; I want to put an end to that sort of prejudice. Besides, Zero isn’t complaining – not anymore, anyway.”

“Who do you think you’re kidding?” Yagari snapped. “Twisted is the only word to describe you.”

The Headmaster pouted a little then turned away, heading for his study. “Well, you don’t see it now, but Yuki is exactly the sort of friend Zero needs. She wants to help him and she’s strong enough that she won’t give up until she has done.”

Yagari gave no response. From the way the young vampire had just spoken to him, he didn’t doubt her strength. It was her motives he was uncertain about. He followed Kaien into the other room, watching him the whole way through one narrowed eye.

Kaien sat down at his desk and suddenly his tone turned serious. “So what are you going to do now?”

Yagari also took a seat as he answered, “What can I do now other than watch him? I don’t want to kill Zero and he’s not a Level E yet so I don’t have to. I’ll watch him for the next few days and if nothing goes wrong, I’ll tell the association that there’s nothing to worry about for now as far as Zero’s concerned.”

Kaien smiled. “I’m glad that you still care for him as much as you always used to... I just hope that nothing does go wrong.”

“We all do,” Yagari agreed gravely.

 *

Yagari and the Headmaster had disappeared for the night, leaving Yuki alone. She had come back from her walk with Yori a few hours ago.

Yori’s ignorance to the truth about Zero was both a burden and a relief, Yuki found. A burden because keeping a secret from a friend was always difficult, but it was a relief because with Yori it was always easier to discuss lighter topics. Besides, Yuki got the impression from Yori that she very much wanted to keep her nose out of Zero’s business. It seemed that she already knew more about him than she wanted to. So Yuki had returned inside with her chest feeling not quite as heavy as before.

She had not seen Zero since she came back, as he had remained in his room all evening. Apparently Yagari had spoken to him at some point though and Yuki had been reassured that Zero was in no danger from his old teacher, so long as Zero showed no signs of falling to Level E. And that was not going to happen, Yuki was sure.

She sat in the kitchen now and waited for some water to boil so that she could make tea. Yuki felt calm and was sure now that there had been a sort of wisdom in the Headmaster’s advice not to follow Zero earlier. She found that there was some relief in not chasing after him for once, but waiting instead. She hoped that like Kaien had said, Zero would learn to come to her. That in some way, by accepting help and friendship from others, he could learn to forgive himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story for the title of this chapter (which I had included in the original author’s note) is that I heard the song I picked it from for the first time while first writing this chapter several years ago. Just as I was typing the last paragraph I heard the line ‘here I am, waiting to hold you’ and isn’t it lovely how it fit so well? I really love the song now too. It’s so beautiful – I really recommend giving it a listen. In fact, I’ve been thinking about sharing a spotify playlist or something with all of the songs I’ve used for chapter titles in this story. Would anyone be interested in that?
> 
> Thank you for reading so far! Any feedback would be very much appreciated too :)
> 
> (chapter title from song to the siren by tim buckley)


	20. I want to lay here forever in the cold

Yuki had worn a coat tonight. She sat with the hood pulled up over her head so that her breath misted out of her through a circle of white fluff. Her boots were laced up over woolly white tights. She felt quite comfortable and happy.

She sat alone on a bench in the school and had been there for maybe half an hour before Zero appeared. He stepped out from a path through the trees and watched as Yuki grinned at him. Then he did what she had hoped he would and walked over and sat on the bench next to her.

She smiled up at the clouds for a minute then turned to him, pushing down the hood of her coat as she did. “Look,” Yuki said. She took off her scarf and handed it to Zero. He took it in his hands, feeling its softness. “I made it.”

Zero looked up at her. “You knit?” There was a hint of surprise in his tone.

“Not very well, to be honest, but you can’t see the mistakes if you don’t look too carefully. Put it on.”

He responded to Yuki’s smile with a slightly puzzled look. “Why?”

“Don’t you feel the cold?”

“Don’t you?”

Zero was wearing his usual grey trench coat over his uniform and nothing else to protect him from the icy air, for once Yuki felt quite bundled up in comparison to him. “I remembered my coat today. Look,” she flicked the hood back up over her head, “A hood!” She had to turn her whole body around to be able to see him properly.

Zero peered at her, “You’re pretty well hidden in there,” he mumbled.

He put her scarf on. “You’re always trying to look after me, aren’t you?”

“I’m just thoughtful. Don’t complain.”

“Alright... Well I’m going inside. You coming?” He got to his feet and she jumped up after him.

“Yep! My fingers are frozen.”

“Don’t tell me you were waiting here just for me.” He frowned at her, “Why?”

Yuki simply shrugged, “Seemed like a good idea at the time, after Yori went back in, I mean. I always enjoy being outside, anyway.”

“By all means, stay if you like.”

“Huh? No, I’m coming.”

They started to walk, side by side and Yuki said, “It feels like I hardly got to see you yesterday. I hope you were okay.”

Zero shrugged. “I was asleep for most of yesterday actually.”

Yuki tried to look at him in pleased surprise, but her hood was in the way. She settled for saying, “Well that’s good. I mean, assuming you slept well.” She hoped that no nightmares had visited him.

“Yeah... for the first time in a while.”

Yuki pulled her hood down so she could see Zero’s face, but there was nothing of what he might have been feeling in his expression.

“I’m glad,” she said softly. “I hope it stays that way.”

Zero just kept his gaze ahead of him and didn’t respond.

Yuki brought up another thing that she had been wondering about. “And what about that man – your master? I heard that the two of you talked again.”

“It’s not much worth repeating,” Zero said quietly. “He’ll keep an eye on me and then if nothing happens he’ll go.”

“Well nothing _will_ happen.”

Yuki looked back at Zero just in time to see his lips formed into what was almost a smirk. “And he told me you threatened him.”

“I did not!” Yuki’s cheeks heated up a little.

“That’s what he said.”

“Well it was hardly a threat!”

“He certainly didn’t know what to make of you.”

Yuki raised her eyebrows. “So apparently I’m something of an oddity among vampires.”

“I’d say so,” he agreed.

One side of Yuki’s mouth turned upwards, and then the other followed.

“You seem better today.”

Zero looked at her, finally, as they stopped before going inside.

“Do I?”

It had certainly seemed that way, but looking at him now Yuki realised that the look in his eyes wasn’t really much different from the night before. But it was so hard to tell with him.

“I-I thought so. _Are_ you any better?”

Zero shrugged slightly then turned away and went inside.

*

“Zero...”

Yuki was lying on the sofa, with a blanket wrapped around her, while Zero sat on the chair opposite. She had put her favourite album on to play softly for them both while they drank hot chocolate and tried to pretend that everything wasn’t in quite such a mess. Kaien had gone to bed an hour or so ago and now their mugs sat empty on the table between them.

“I tried to talk to you about music once before, do you remember?”

Zero gave a slow, lazy nod of his head. “Feels like forever ago,” he murmured. “You had just snuck into the school to play piano a few days earlier.”

“I didn’t sneak,” Yuki huffed. “I had permission.”

“Well what about it?” Zero asked, though he had an idea of what was coming next. The day was etched so clearly into his memory and he still didn’t know what to think about it.

Yuki twisted around so that she could see him. “You said you didn’t hear me play, but you lied, didn’t you?”

He said nothing. “ _Zero!_ ” She complained

Zero sighed and answered simply, “I did.”

“Well why?”

Those eerie eyes of his peered into hers. “I didn’t want to have to talk to you about it, I suppose.”  
Because he had hated her at the time... but now, things were different, right?

“And what did you hear?” Yuki whispered.

The way Zero was looking at her gave her the impression that he was still very reluctant to answer her, but after a moment’s silence, he did. “I didn’t hear a lot... but I remember you were singing. You sounded like a little girl,” Yuki made a face at that, but Zero ignored her. His eyes were no longer quite meeting hers and he went on in a murmur, “It was hard to think of you as a vampire when you were like that; playing as if you loved nothing else in the world quite so much.”

His honesty made Yuki blush slightly. She turned away and pulled her blanket more tightly around her, as her lips curved into a small smile. “I do love it,” was her quiet response. “But I haven’t played in so long... before I came here that would have been unthinkable.” The corners of Yuki’s mouth started to droop a little. She had found a new way out of her loneliness now and the thing that had saved her for so long was becoming so easily forgotten.

“I’d like to play for you properly at some point,” she told Zero.

There was a moment of silence between them, interrupted only by the soft melody in the background. And then Zero, his voice not much more than a whisper, said, “Then you should do it now.”

Yuki finally felt able to look back at him, with amusement shining in her eyes and her smile. “That would be lovely,” she said, “except that we don’t have a piano and the one in the school is locked up.”

“I can get us in.”

Yuki raised her eyebrows, half disbelieving. “Really?”

“I know where to find the keys to the building.”

Yuki sat up and studied the boy sitting across from her. He appeared to be serious, though it was difficult to tell. “Wouldn’t we get in trouble?”

“Probably, if anyone found out,” but Zero did not seem very perturbed about the idea.

Yuki pictured the two of them sneaking out into the night... her playing piano secretly by moonlight. Of course they might get caught...

“But we’d be sneaky...” She grinned.

“If you think you could manage it.”

The very idea of it seemed terribly exciting to her. Yuki would never have even considered doing something like this on her own. But with Zero with her...

“Okay,” her eyes were bright, “let’s do it!”

*

It was not long before Yuki had donned her coat once more and Zero had retrieved a set of emergency keys that the Headmaster kept in the house.

For a second, while lacing up her boots, Yuki had wondered if as soon as she was ready, Zero would finally turn and say, “ _Idiot, you thought I meant it?_ ” or something along those lines. But no, they had met, as agreed, by the front door; Zero with keys in hand and Yuki with a nervous grin. Then they ran out towards the school. Or rather Yuki ran and giggled and called to Zero to hurry and keep up with her. When finally they reached the school building and Zero let them in, Yuki stepped into the dark, silent hall feeling very aware of all of the school rules Zero was breaking for this. But she wanted to do it and if there was any way that it could bring her somehow closer to Zero, then she wanted it badly.

They found their way to the music room and Yuki’s nervousness suddenly doubled as she wandered over to the piano. She watched Zero stride over to a chair at the far side of the room and sit down. Yuki sat too. Their eyes met. Aside from the sudden sickly thumping of her heart, there was such a silence and stillness in the air around them. So much so that she could feel it beyond the room they sat in and she knew that when she played the first note Zero would be the only one to hear it. He was waiting... Yuki tore her eyes away from his and the first piercing note filled the dark room. Calm washed suddenly over her. She played for him.

Zero did not take his eyes off of Yuki’s face for a second while she played. He thought about the difference between this night and the last time he had watched her in this very room. She had been a stranger then. A vampire behaving like no vampire he had ever seen, but a vampire none the less. An enemy in his eyes, no matter what disguise she so carefully weaved for herself. How he had hated her invasion into his life here, her disruption of the slow death that had begun for him so many years earlier. She had taken everything he had known and replaced it with uncertainty. And herself – Yuki had surely given him that too. There was always a promise in her wide eyes, and in the warmth he could feel from the palm of her hand, that she would provide that stability he needed, if only he would trust her. Zero didn’t know if he could.

But that look on her face as she played for him now... Zero wished that some of that calm would flow into him and quiet the panic inside him that he had been trying so hard to suppress all day.

The music had started soft and then grown to fill the room with its beauty, but it sounded distant to Zero’s ears. And yet, Yuki’s face seemed the most immediate thing to him. He didn’t know what that meant.

And then the music stopped. Yuki’s head rose slowly, then her eyes found his. A small hesitant smile formed on her lips and she said quietly, “I hope that was okay. That was one of my favourites.”

Zero looked away from her finally. It was a moment before he was able to murmur, “You’re very talented.”

Yuki mumbled, “Thank you,” feeling slightly embarrassed as she realised that she had expected more of a reaction from Zero. But his expression and manner of speaking were the same as ever. Of course it was foolish to expect anything else from him.

But perhaps Zero heard the disappointment in her voice, because he persisted with, “No, I mean it. You play beautifully. It’s only that I...” he stopped short of revealing the thoughts that had been troubling him then shook his head, “Never mind...” and then, quickly, he changed the subject, “Do you write any of the music you play?”

Yuki felt sure that Zero had only asked to distract her from what he had been about to say, but she answered him anyway, quietly and uncertainly, “I tried once.” The memory of the time she had tried composing something of her own made her feel uncomfortable. In fact she was sure that she had never quite been the same since that time. “I wanted to write something personal as a sort of gift for Kaname... but I hadn’t even halfway finished it before I realised that I could never actually play it for him.” She did not look at Zero as she spoke. She always felt uncomfortable when mentioning Kaname in front of him.

“Why was that?”

“It... It was never really meant for him, I suppose. I think I had written it for myself all along... I’ve never played it for anyone else before.”

“Before...?”

Yuki looked at Zero again, meeting his eyes once more. “I would play it for you.” Her voice was almost a whisper. “Isn’t that funny?”

He agreed; it was, in a way, but he did not have it in him to laugh. “Why?” he asked.

It took her a moment to answer, “I don’t want to hide from you.”

Zero was not sure he liked her saying that. In fact, this whole situation was feeling slightly dangerous to him. His instinct was to lash out with something, anything that would keep her at a distance, but he found himself, instead, forcing something that was quite the opposite out of his mouth. “Then play it now,” he said, if only because he knew that, though she was feeling shy, it was what she wanted him to say.

Yuki looked at Zero uncertainly for a few more seconds then nodded and turned back to the piano. She took a minute to call to mind the notes she was about to play, then her fingers moved over the keys and those first subdued notes filled the room.

Zero noticed right away that it wasn’t the same this time. He could see the slight furrow of her brow and the uncertain line her lips had formed into. Yuki could feel Zero watching her now, more so than before and she knew that she was taking a risk by playing this because this time, whatever his reaction was, it mattered to her.

The song went on, slow and sad, and it became apparent to Zero that Yuki was telling him a story, about everything she had never been able to tell anyone. About loneliness. And endless longing.  
Perhaps it was no more melancholy than some of the other things she played, but there was so much of herself in this and that was clear in every note. Oh, if he didn’t understand... if he responded to this with that indifferent look she had seen so often... Yuki did not know what she would do. She found herself looking up at him and her fingers clumsily hit the wrong note then stopped moving altogether. Zero blinked and his face changed, but in the brief moment before that, Yuki had seen his expression and knew she could play no more tonight. Of course it was likely that her music had nothing to do with it, but while she had been playing, the look on Zero’s face had been intensely sad.

Yuki stood and stepped away from the piano.

“Why did you stop?” Zero asked, now looking only ever so slightly confused

“I can’t play anymore.” Yuki walked over towards Zero then sat down next to him. She pulled her feet up onto the chair and wrapped her arms around her knees. She did not look at Zero, but she asked him, “Why did you look so sad just then? What were you thinking?”

But she was not surprised when Zero dodged her question, saying, “I think I understand why you felt you could never play that for your brother.”

“It’s stupid,” she muttered. Yuki was suddenly angry at herself for playing it for him in the first place. “It’s self indulgent.”

“Don’t say that...”

“I shouldn’t have played it for you,” she insisted. “It must look like I’m trying so hard to show I can understand you or something. But I know I’ll never really understand what you’re going through... and that’s not the point. All this time I’ve been trying to get you to like me, but I know that if I only show you the good things then it’s pointless. I need you to see this side of me too.”

Yuki looked up and blushed as she realised that Zero was surprised by this outburst. If he had not already thought she was strange, then this had surely done it.

“You’re just thinking too much,” he told her. “Play sad songs if you want. I’m just surprised because it’s so different from how you’ve acted in the past.”

Yuki sighed, “I know it is.”

“No one is ever exactly what they appear to be...” he said quietly, thoughtfully, and Yuki agreed.

“You’re right about me thinking too much. I worry a lot, it seems, and I let silly thoughts get the better of me.”

“Your song was beautiful,” Zero said, quieter still, so that if the world around them had not been silent, she might not have heard him.

“Thank you,” Yuki said, after a moment.

He noticed her hesitation. “What is it now?”

“You’re being so nice to me all of a sudden. It’s strange.”

“I guess it is...”

“Please don’t stop.”

Zero responded only by giving her one of those looks that she could never hope to understand, and then asking if she wanted to leave.

Yuki nodded. “But perhaps we could come back again another time...”

“If you like.”

They headed back towards the exit in silence.

*

Zero and Yuki left the dark, silent halls and stepped out to a world frosted over with glistening white.

“It’s snowing!” Yuki exclaimed in surprise and absolute delight. There was already a thin layer covering the ground and more fell from the sky in fat, fluffy flakes. Yuki had never seen such a bright night. “It’s so pretty,” she breathed.

Zero said nothing. He only turned to lock the door behind them then started back the way they had come earlier. Yuki was unable to take her eyes from the snowflakes as they filled the darkness above and landed over and around her. “Can we not stay out for a little while?”

“We’ll be seen,” Zero answered, but he stopped anyway, watching the look of fascination on Yuki’s face.

“Is it always like this in the winter?”

“Usually...”

“I’ve lived my whole life in the mountains. We get a lot of snow every year, but I’ve never seen it before... I was always told ‘one day...’ but I was beginning to think it would never happen.” Yuki turned to Zero, “I just want to stay a few minutes more.”

Zero nodded and waited.

“I’m going to make a snow angel!” Yuki exclaimed, promptly laying down on the frosted ground and beginning to move her arms and legs about in the way she’d seen in films. She could see Zero looking down at her from where she lay, one eyebrow raised at her.

“Don’t you need a bit more snow than that?”

Yuki stopped moving. “Probably, but how do I know if I’ll get to see more than this?”

“You can’t really know, I suppose.”

“Maybe I should just wait and see...” she lay in silence for a few seconds then said softly, “I feel so lucky to be here... after all this time, it finally happened.”

Yuki heard Zero move and looked over to see him sit down beside her. He did not say a word.

“This moment is beautiful,” she murmured. “I could stay here forever... do you know what I mean? It’s as though, yes, we have things that scare us, but right now they don’t seem to matter so much.” She watched the snow continue to fall down towards her, but still Zero was silent. “Do you understand?” she whispered.

For a moment she thought she would, again, get no answer, but then she felt his hand encase her slightly wet, gloved one and she realised that he was pulling her up with him as he got to his feet.

“Maybe,” he answered her finally as he absently brushed away some of the snow that had fallen onto her coat. “But it’s late – and we can’t stay here forever, however much you might like to.”

Then he let go of her hand, turned from her and headed indoors.

Yuki followed, feeling that Zero was right, but perhaps forever was not necessary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from goodbye england [covered in snow] by laura marling)


	21. Lie to me, and say it’s going to be alright

A good few days had passed since the hunter, Yagari, had arrived at Cross Academy and he showed no signs that he might be leaving any time soon. In fact, quite the opposite was true. Yuki had found out from Zero that his master had taken up a teaching post at the school, which seemed to imply that he had plans to stay much longer than Yuki had expected. There had been no incident involving Zero which Yagari could object to, but though Yuki was sure that there was no longer any immediate threat of him falling to Level E, Zero was hardly the pinnacle of good health either. True, he by no means looked worse than he had before taking Yuki’s blood, but there was something not quite right... At meal times he still ate little and she knew he did not sleep as much as he should (unless Yuki counted the frequent naps during lessons which she had heard Kaien bring up once or twice).

Yuki had more opportunity to watch him now because for some reason Zero had spent more time with her these last few days than ever before. He said little to her, but also seemed to be less easily irritated. Yuki felt that surely, if he was finally accepting her friendship, it could only be a good thing. And yet, from time to time, she caught a look in his eyes that worried her, though she could never quite understand what it was.

She wondered if any of these things might be the reason for Yagari’s continued presence at the school, but it was not until the hunter spoke to her himself, that she was able to figure it out. Yuki had nothing to do with him usually; she did not really see him that often. But when walking alone in the school grounds one evening, Yagari was there, smoking a cigarette, much the same as the first night she had seen him. She meant to walk past without a word, but instead he spoke to her.

“Not chasing after my apprentice tonight?” he called out, in a not entirely kind manner, “Makes a change.”

Yuki stopped and looked at the hunter, but she did not know what to say in response to his remark. She could not believe that he was merely making conversation. Why speak at all, if that was all he had to say?

“What... do you want?” Yuki asked finally.

Yagari tossed the remains of his cigarette to the slush covered ground then scrutinised her. He answered her simply, with a question of his own, “What is going on between you and Zero?”

It was a question she had expected, but one she did not entirely know the answer to. Yuki stared straight into Yagari’s single eye, with a determination not to show him any weakness. “Zero and I are friends,” she told him, feeling that in the last few days that, at least, had come to be true.

“I’m not going to believe that for a second. I want to know what you’re really up to.”

Yagari’s expression was hard. It gave little away besides the displeasure he had already voiced. Yuki wondered if she would have found it more difficult to answer him had she not spent so much time with Zero over the past few months. She frowned up at him. “I know that this really isn’t normal. But it’s true and there isn’t anything you need to worry about. I care about Zero.”

The look on Yagari’s face shifted slightly, now including more than a touch of disgust. “I don’t believe it,” he repeated. “Zero can’t possibly have fallen for this crap.”

Yuki was beginning to feel annoyed. Though she wanted to keep her cool, she could not help but exclaim, “What is it with you hunters and your prejudices?”

“Prejudices?” Now the hunter was really starting to look and sound angry. “I’ve been a hunter longer than you’ve been alive, I’d bet. I’ve seen what your kind are capable of. I haven’t a single reason to trust you with Zero.”

“You’re wrong.” She glared up at the older man and she knew it was only the strength of her feeling for Zero that allowed her to act so boldly. Yagari was really quite intimidating.

“Do you know the reason I last came to this school?” he asked. “Have you heard that story?” The question took Yuki by surprise. She gave him an uncertain look, and then shook her head slightly. “The last time I came to this school was because Zero had tried to end his life over something one of your kind did to him. He might have even succeeded if he’d still been human, but then, if he had, there would have been no reason for him to try.”

Yuki’s voice, which she had tried to keep distant and unconcerned before, now came out quiet and slightly shaky, “I – I was told that a few months ago Zero... that something... like that had happened, but... this isn’t the same incident that you’re referring to, is it?”

Yuki had tried to keep her gaze steady but she was not able to hide her fear of what Yagari would say next. He did not try to make it easier for her. “He was fourteen at the time. I got a call from Cross saying that something terrible had happened,” a sadder note now entered the hunter’s voice, “Turns out he’d found Zero in the kitchen in a pool of his own blood. There was a knife on the floor next to him – you put together what had happened.”

Yuki could hold Yagari’s gaze no longer. She found that she could no longer feel shock at each terrible thing revealed about Zero, it was almost as if her heart had known it all along, but still it hurt to hear it. It hurt so, so much. It took all Yuki had not to react in the way she had to the similar story Yori had once told her. She knew that she could not break down here, in front of this man.

“No one ever... mentioned...” her soft voice forced out the words while she looked down at the patches of snow on the grass.

“Well,” Yagari muttered, “Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything myself, but even you must understand where I’m coming from now?”

The question should have infuriated her – to suggest that Yuki was anything like that evil woman who had hurt Zero! But now it had no effect. Her thoughts lingered on Yagari’s revelation. Her answer sounded less forceful than she would have liked it to, “If you’re asking me to stay away from Zero – I can’t... But I promise you I won’t hurt him.” She raised her eyes once more to show that she meant it, but Yagari only frowned in response. She turned away again and continued, “If you want to know what’s going on between Zero and me then ask him. You’ve heard my answer, but the whole time I’ve known him, I’ve never once been able to tell what goes on in his head.”

The hunter grumbled, “Of course I tried asking him first. Damn kid won’t say a word about it. But I can figure out my apprentice if I need to. It’s you I don’t trust.”

Yuki’s eyebrows knitted together in a frown as he repeated his mistrust of her. It angered her that after finally feeling that she’d proved herself in some way to Zero, she now had to listen to this man. “That doesn’t matter to me,” she said in a low voice. “I don’t care if you don’t trust me. Only Zero... only Zero matters to me now.”

Nearly immediately Yuki wished she had not said it, but instead managed to keep her cool. She might as well have screamed at Yagari that she loved his apprentice, for surely that was what he must have heard.

“I see...” he responded. Yuki did not dare look up to see his expression. “If Zero is drawn into this then he’s a fool... However this ends, it won’t be pretty.”

Yagari left without another word and Yuki finally raised her head to watch him walk away, then she turned and ran back inside, straight to her bedroom.

 _I will not cry_ , she told herself, _I will not cry. Iwillnotcry..._ Why did things have to happen this way? Could she not move forward without the past reaching out to snatch her back?

Yuki made her way over to her bed and sat down, trying to hold on to her conviction only to look towards what could be, rather than what could never be changed... the past... why did it affect her so? She knew already of Zero’s suffering, so nothing really had changed since before Yagari had spoken to her, but it was still another blow to her aching heart. Yuki did not want to know that Zero had hurt himself like that in the past, nor did she want the proof that Zero truly had wanted to end his life on more than one occasion.

And then there was how Yagari had spoken to her in an accusatory tone as if she were as much to blame as Shizuka Hio. She wondered if it was possible that she could ever become such a monster herself.

 _However this ends, it won’t be pretty..._ The words repeated in Yuki’s mind. Where they true?

The feelings she had for Zero were something Yuki had tried hard not to think about in these last few days, if only because of how futile it was to hope that they would ever be returned. When she was with him, she did her best to act the same way she always had done in the past. But her talk with Yagari had brought those feelings to the surface. She could not help but now try to examine them.

Yuki felt sure that she had Zero’s friendship, if only in some small form. It was all she had wanted from him since the beginning. But now, why did she feel so sad, thinking of Yagari’s words? She had never been entirely sure how, but this boy had generated in her such affection and admiration. These things alone seemed fine and innocent enough, but there was also something irrational about it all; it had all been so completely out of her control from the very start. This was where the problem began. Then there was the absolute desire she felt for him, which was what she was really trying to hold back. With the realisation that she loved Zero, also came the knowledge that she wanted him to be hers. It seemed a dangerous feeling. Even as she thought of him now, she felt her throat burn, her fangs ache. Yuki had not tasted real, fresh blood in months and she wanted Zero’s more than she had ever thought it possible to withstand. It was so difficult to know that she planned never to give in to that desire.

To feel this way and feel certain that it was love – did that mean that in some way she really was the monster she had tried so hard to prove herself not to be? Such a violent desire... and strange how Yuki had never thought of it that way before; the way Zero would see it. The way she knew he saw himself.

It seemed likely that this was the reason Yagari was staying so long at the academy. He was clearly concerned about Zero’s relationship with her and worried about where it might lead. Yuki wondered what he would say to Zero about her, if he would convince him to stay away from her.

She sat huddled up in her bed for a long time, worrying about it and wanting very much to find the hunter and tell him to stay out of her and Zero’s business. But she could not quite muster up the nerve to do so and instead Yuki stayed in her room thinking over and over the same things. She imagined scenarios where she would try to explain herself to Zero and he would either accept or reject her. The worst seemed to be when she imagined him telling her that it did not matter what his master said. That he trusted her. Things he would never say.

It was as Yuki was scolding herself for letting her imagination get carried away that she heard a knock on the door and she knew it was Zero. Her heart started to pound in her chest. What was he doing here?

“Z-Zero?” Awkwardly, Yuki stood and called out, “Come in.” She was feeling annoyed at herself for reacting this way. Her heart was beating so fast and all Zero had done was knock on her door. There was a moment’s hesitation then the door opened and his pale head appeared from behind it. Those eyes found hers. A moment passed in silence then, “Zero... what is it?”

Zero’s eyes turned downwards. “Sorry... it’s nothing.” He was already turning to go, but Yuki was over in a flash, her fingers lightly clasped around his wrist, stopping him from leaving.

“You wouldn’t come here for nothing.”

Without turning back to her, he quietly said, “I only wondered why you were in here alone... I thought it was odd, that’s all. It’s really nothing.”

Yuki let go of Zero’s arm and stared at him without knowing what to say. It hardly seemed plausible that he had sought her out, simply because, for once, she had not come to him.

“If there’s nothing wrong then... I’ll go.”

“No!”

Yuki blushed as she realised how quickly she’d spoken. Zero turned back around to face her. “Don’t go...”

He stayed where he was. Yuki gave him an uncertain smile. “Please, come in.”

Zero hesitated – considered turning and leaving, but decided against it. He took a step into Yuki’s room and, because she had been expecting him to leave, she felt her heart rate increase once more. She stared up at him, trying to figure out why had come to her, but there was no answer in his face. Zero’s expression was the same as always. He was so beautiful. Even that sadness, which he had been unable to completely hide for a long time now, did nothing to diminish that dark sort of beauty.

Yuki felt her cheeks flush as she remembered the thoughts Zero had interrupted with his knock at the door. How she had pictured those lips forming words he would never willingly say. What would he think of that? Yuki wondered if Zero knew just how much he dominated her thoughts. It would have scared even her a little bit, except that she felt instead a certain sort of thrill at knowing how she loved him. Though she had put her feelings from her mind these last few days, now that she had let her thoughts dwell upon them, she found them difficult to ignore. Hence the heart-pounding, the difficulty taking her eyes off his (and she was fairly certain those were butterflies making her stomach feel so odd). His seeking her out, ostensibly for no real reason, only added fuel to it all. For so long, Yuki had been convinced that Zero only tolerated her company, now (and she was vaguely aware that this was a dangerous thought) she was wondering if it might actually be possible that he enjoyed it.

Yuki tore her eyes away from his, her face hot. She searched her mind for something relevant to say and came up only with, “I was going to come and find you earlier, but... something came up first.” Zero didn’t reply and Yuki found the silence uncomfortable. She looked back up at him, unable to help herself. A question popped into her mind and she asked it without thinking. “That hunter... did he speak to you just before?”

Zero had been looking absently at a stack of books on Yuki’s desk that Yori had borrowed for her from the school library. Now he looked back at her questioningly. “...No.”

It was only then that Yuki realised her question must have seemed a bit out of the blue to Zero. “Oh, I thought he might have done,” she mumbled, feeling like an idiot.

“Why is that?” Zero was still giving her that look.

“Uh, it’s nothing really.”

He was silent for a short while, and then he asked, “Did he speak to you?”

Zero was frowning now and Yuki wished she had not said anything. She didn’t want to bring up what Yagari had told her, but now, she didn’t see how she could lie or brush it off either. She could feel her excitement dying away now and being replaced again with sadness as she thought of the hunter’s revelation. It was a rather unsettling feeling to slip so quickly from one extreme to another, as if there were too many things going on at once for her mind to properly deal with them. Any more of this and she felt certain she would go into a panic.

But now Zero was still looking at her and waiting for a response, so Yuki mumbled, “Yes, he did ask me about you...”

Now Zero was annoyed and not bothering to hide it properly. “He shouldn’t have spoken to you,” he said quietly. Yuki wondered if it was that he felt as she did – that their relationship was none of Yagari’s business – or if it was that he didn’t want her having anything to do with his childhood teacher.

Yuki wasn’t sure how to respond, but she found herself murmuring, “I know.” After a moment she added, “It’s not like I even know enough to be able to properly answer his questions. I haven’t a clue what you’re thinking most of the time.”

Zero gave her a sharp look and asked, “So then what did he say that has upset you so much.”

The unexpected question startled Yuki and her eyes widened as she peered up at him. She realised that of course Zero would figure out how she was feeling. Even without her inability to hide her emotions, there had been enough clues, starting with how she had not continued her search for him straight afterwards.

“I – I really shouldn’t say,” she told him.

“Why not?”

The way Zero was glaring at her made her sure that he was not going to back down. But Yuki just couldn’t tell him! She could not make herself repeat Yagari’s words.

“Because even thinking about it right now,” she told Zero, “I’m trying my hardest not to cry. You can see that can’t you? I know you can, because otherwise you wouldn’t have asked about it in the first place. And I know you wouldn’t want that. I know it only annoys you to see me like this. You don’t want me to know these things and you especially don’t want to talk about them with me!”

Zero continued to glare at her for another moment then something in his eyes changed and the strangest expression appeared on his face. His eyebrows drew together and his eyes became vulnerable in a way Yuki had never seen before; filled with grief and slight shock, but otherwise indecipherable. “Was it – d-did he tell you... about Ichiru?” He spoke the name so quietly, so hesitantly, that Yuki almost did not catch it, but she felt the importance behind it, though she had no idea who Zero was talking about.

Now she was frowning, confused and worried because that expression, that slight tremble in his voice – that just wasn’t the Zero she knew.

As soon as he took in the look on Yuki’s face, Zero’s eyes widened ever so slightly as he seemed to realise that he’d made a mistake.

“Who is Ichi-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Zero snapped. His eyes had become hard again. Yuki stared up at him in concern, slightly wounded by his harsh tone. The lie would not have fooled anyone; Yuki had the distinct impression that there was not much that could have mattered more. But that was precisely the reason she was sure that she would not get another word on the subject out of him.

She continued to watch him, uncomfortably, wanting to understand what he’d just let slip, but knowing he would become angry with her if she asked. Zero had turned away from her now and he asked again, “What did he tell you?”

This revelation that there was something else – something terribly important – that she did not know about Zero had weakened Yuki’s resolve somewhat. She could also tell from the tone of his voice that he was no longer in any mood to put up with her refusal to answer him. Yuki spoke softly, “He mentioned something that you did – that you tried to do - a few years ago...”

Zero was frowning again, but he spoke quietly, “He told you about... about the last time he came here?”

He turned back to look at her and she nodded.

“Why the hell would he do that?”

“To make a point, I suppose,” Yuki mumbled unhappily. “About me being no different from her – from the one who made you want to die that day.”

Zero’s head lowered so that Yuki could no longer see his eyes, but she saw his fists clench at his sides.

“Zero...” she whispered.

“I should go,” he responded quickly, not looking at her, but instead turning towards the door.

“No, please...” But this time Zero did not listen. He left without another word.

Moving slowly, Yuki went and sat back down on her bed.

_I will not cry. I will not cry..._

*

Zero was dreaming, which was not a good thing, as his dreams were never pleasant.

He couldn’t move. He knew that he was surrounded by blood. He could smell it, could feel it soaking his clothes, but he could not move a muscle to get away from it.

That woman was still in the room. She was supposed to have left by now, but Zero could still feel that deathly presence. He wanted to kill her, but he was not able to. He had no strength. He was weak.

Why was she still there, taunting him? _Why?_

Now there were footsteps, coming towards him, that sickening pureblood presence becoming more overwhelming with every step.

A shadow fell over him.

“Zero...” Yuki’s voice whispered.

He woke up.

Zero’s heart was beating fast. He stared into the darkness of his bedroom and listened. Yuki was moving around. Her footsteps were soft, but he could hear them heading towards her own room.

It was as though he could not escape from her. She was even in his nightmares now. He could not get away but... he was starting to wonder if he even wanted to.

Why had he sought her out before?

There was definitely still a part of Zero that felt disgusted by his actions. He wondered what had happened to the strength he had built up over the years. Where had it gone? Even that child from four years ago had not been as weak as this.

Even now, as he lay in his bed, Zero could feel his aloneness pressing in on him from all around. When he was alone he could not distract himself from the utter bleakness of his situation. The thought of his life having been saved by Yuki was laughable almost. No, she had not saved him. He could see the existence which lay before him now only as something to be suffered through.

He sat up, pressed his face into his hands and wished he knew what to do.

Zero could no longer remember how to get by in solitude, with only the thought of revenge to drive him. And in the days when he had lived like that, he could never have understood how easy it was to go to Yuki and let her whisper words of hope in his ear.

And she was so full of hope! Though he had none, he could not make himself stop wanting to see hers brimming over in her smile. Even when her eyes were sad, she would still put that warm hand over his in a way that told him, in the simplest way possible, ‘you are not alone anymore’. And somehow in that moment the temptation to believe it was too much to resist nearly every time.

Zero hated himself for feeling this way. He hated her, for how he had suddenly become so dependent on such stupid little things that she did.

He had thought she was Shizuka Hio in that dream and even as he felt sick with the thought of it, he could feel part of himself wanting to go to her. She was the only one who could distract him, though Zero wished it wasn’t so. It felt like a disgusting betrayal of his parents.

But... how tempting to know that he would not think of such things if Yuki was around, if he could see her warm smile... What a pitiful hunter he was, to know that he could find comfort in the smile of a pureblood.

He would not go to her. He would go back to sleep.

_Just don’t think of her._

_Go back to sleep._

_Just..._

_Sleep._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from if winter ends by bright eyes)


	22. I wake up half empty, only to be filled again with mourning

The hours crawled by slowly. The darkness around him felt heavy. Tormenting, his thoughts of her, his thoughts of everything.

Zero could not fall back asleep, despite his exhaustion. He guessed that it must be near morning. He got out of bed and it felt as though every inch of his body was protesting against the movement. But he could not stand the thought of laying there for another minute. His limbs ached with exhaustion as he threw on a hooded top and then made for the kitchen. He needed coffee.

He didn’t bother to turn the kitchen light on. It was dark, but Zero could see well enough. He’d done this often enough to know where everything was. He could just about make out the clock on the kitchen wall telling him it was five thirty and he had a good few hours to kill before school started. He was going over in his mind at which point in the day it would be best to ditch his class and find somewhere he could sleep, when the light went on, making Zero grimace and cover his eyes.

It was Yuki, of course. Though, Zero felt her before his eyes adjusted enough to the light for him to look at her. Her expression was a tad sheepish. “Sorry,” she mumbled, “About the light, I mean... didn’t quite think that through.” Zero didn’t answer, just slowly blinked his eyes. Yuki peered tentatively at him and asked, “You couldn’t sleep?”

Zero grunted some sort of reply, picked up his mug of coffee and sat at the kitchen table. His mouth formed a thin line and his eyes darkened while he stared at the steam from his drink as it curled upwards out of the cup, each translucent loop rising, then disappearing and making way for another.

He wanted to fight the feeling (though Zero knew his efforts would be as futile as his earlier attempts at sleep) but he was relieved that she had come. He felt a slight sickly unease that, after those long sleepless hours he had forced himself to wait out in his room alone, his resolve seemed to be lost merely at the sight of her. Because at least when she was there, he did not have to sit alone with his thoughts- especially the ones about her. Zero raised his gaze to Yuki, to those large, dark eyes that were on him and somehow actually seemed to care about what they saw. He didn’t think he’d ever get over that idea – the strangeness of it. He thought that she would sit down, take the chair opposite from him and keep him company through this quiet, early morning, but she made no move to do so. There was a hint of worry in her eyes. “Are you mad at me?” Yuki asked softly.

Zero frowned, wondering if he had given that impression.

“I mean because of earlier...” she continued. “When you left my room, it really felt like that.”

He let his gaze fall back to his coffee cup, and then he gently shook his head. “I’m not angry with you,” he murmured, though it was probably only true in that moment. Certainly he had been angry at her before... but now he only felt tired and confused.

Mainly Zero had been furious at himself for uttering Ichiru’s name in front of her. If she had to find out everything else then fine – he didn’t like it, but he could deal with it. But not that, not Ichiru - because his betrayal had hurt more than anything else possibly could. Zero could not have her know about it.

And now she knew about that evening in the Headmaster’s kitchen... it was such a disgusting memory. It had been the first time Zero had realised the extent to which he had been changed by that woman. He had not even needed to be hospitalised afterwards and that was not normal, he knew that. Not that there hadn’t been talk of hospitalisation anyway, between Kaien and Yagari. He had overheard them discussing it during the week after the incident when he had refused to so much as speak to anyone. But nothing ever came of the idea. Mental Health facilities for Level D vampires were hardly commonplace after all. So what could be done about it? The only choice they had, had been to try to get through to Zero themselves. And they had done so, in a way. Yagari had planted the idea of revenge, which had given Zero the motivation he needed to keep living.

Yuki sat down opposite him.

“That’s good,” she said quietly. “I was worried that you were.”

Zero looked up at her and saw that she was looking at him with a hint of concern, still gracing her delicate features. He noticed how her cheeks flushed a little as his eyes met hers. He didn’t get why she reacted this way to him.

“Why does it matter so much if I’m mad at you or not?”

Yuki frowned, and pouted a little at the question, “I don’t know... it just does.”

There was a small silence between them and she looked as though she was still thinking about it.

“You’re quite scary when you’re mad actually... but also... I don’t want you to be mad because... I want you to be happy.”

She looked up at Zero and gave him a small smile.

“Happy?” he repeated and he saw the corners of her mouth droop a little as if she knew what was coming next. “What is this obsession with everything being happy and pleasant all the time? The world’s a fucking mess, but no one will admit it just so long as they can keep chasing after something that’s never going to last anyway.”

There were a few seconds of silence where they looked at each other, but then Yuki was the first to break eye contact. Zero watched the last traces of her smile fade and her gaze lower, and then turned his away as well. He tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling of noticing how his bitterness affected her.

But it was not long before Yuki gave him her answer, “I’m not sure that it’s meant to last.” She spoke softly, “That’s not really the point, though I know a lot of people act like they don’t realise it. I know it’s not like I’m some kind of expert or anything. I know so little of the world... but it seems to me like you take happiness when you can. That its fleetness only increases its worth.”

Zero supposed that he knew this on some level, but it wasn’t something he’d really thought about that much. He had become too used to happiness being something completely foreign to him.

“And what if you can’t find it anywhere?” he asked finally.

Yuki didn’t answer right away, so he raised his head slightly and saw her staring at the back of her hands which rested on the table between them. She just whispered, “I don’t know.” Then, after a few seconds, she shook her head, “No, I mean... it must be somewhere. You mustn’t give up looking...” she met his gaze again with those large mahogany eyes, “If it’s what you want, that is.”

The way she was looking at him, Zero could tell she was hoping for some sort of answer, but there was not much he could say really. “Honestly... I just don’t care anymore.”

There was silence between them for a moment and then she whispered, “I wish I could see you smile.”

The way she said it... Zero knew she did not mean it lightly. It was like she was telling a secret desire and it made him recall another time she’d spoken to him in a similar confessional whisper. The time she’d wanted to play him her sad song and he’d known she’d never played it for anyone else. He didn’t like how it made him feel to think about it.

But as if Yuki knew where his thoughts were going, she carried on speaking, “When I first met you, it looked like you’d spent your whole life pushing everyone away. You looked so alone... living like that, didn’t you get lonely?”

Zero tried to figure out if she’d seen through him somehow and known how torn he was over this very matter. Not the issue of loneliness, exactly, but the desire to keep others away. He thought about her question. He tried to remember the days before she had come barging into his life with those warm eyes and that effortless laugh. They felt so long ago. They’d felt empty. They’d felt simple. Monotonous and mostly painless because of how he’d numbed himself to everything and allowed himself to feel only hatred. And Yuki wanted to know if he had been lonely.

“I don’t know,” Zero replied.

“That whole time, while you were at school, you never wanted a friend?”

There was a little crease between her eyebrows. Yuki was looking at him so intently while she asked the question that it made him feel strangely uncomfortable. But then it hit him suddenly why she was asking: to go to school, make friends, talk and laugh with a group of other girls - those were things she wanted for herself.

Of course Yuki didn’t know the memories he’d fought to push to the back of his mind. Her question now made difficult to ignore; how there had been a time in his life when there had been someone always by his side. But that person had...

“I’m sorry!” Yuki interrupted his thoughts with her sudden apology. She looked so worried, Zero realised as his eyes refocused on her. “I think I must have brought up something really painful, from the look you had just then... I’m really sorry.”

“No, it’s nothing,” he lied. But Yuki was clearly unconvinced, so in an effort to distract her, Zero returned to her earlier question. Yuki made it sound so simple, but it had never been about what he wanted back then. If he’d ever let himself think about it then, what he wanted would have been to have his brother back. But that had been impossible. And making friends at school - that simply hadn’t been an option. “I was never the sort of person people wanted to be friends with...” Zero was speaking quietly, more so than usual. Perhaps it was the strange early hour or maybe it was the starkness of his situation that compelled him to tell her. But weighed up against that one excruciating secret he wanted for himself, this did not seem like too much to give away. He told her, “Even when I was younger, people at school could tell there was something wrong with me.”

Zero paused for a second, but Yuki said nothing, just stared at him and Zero had to ignore how sad she looked for him as he went on, “Because I was quiet, I guess... or, I don’t know, maybe they could just feel it, even then. Whatever it was, kids at school didn’t like it. There were a few who were scared by it, but some were more hostile... For a long time it didn’t amount to much, just words - just stupid shit that I pretty much ignored... but there was a lot going on around that time. You already heard about that last night so I don’t need to go into it again,” Zero deliberately did not look at Yuki to see if she understood what he meant. He just kept his eyes focused on a space beyond her head. “After a while, I just snapped with those kids. One day I hit one of them.

“I don’t know if back then I was more surprised at myself for doing that in the first place or if it was that it had been the first thing I’d really enjoyed doing in a really long time. They were all the biggest guys in my year, some were older, and they were fucking _pissed_ that some scrawny kid they’d been picking on for the last year or so suddenly turns around and can fight better than any one of them.”

Zero smirked a little at the memory and he caught Yuki’s expression out of the corner of his eye; her eyes were huge, her mouth hanging wide open at him. She asked, “But didn’t you get in trouble?”

Zero gave a small shrug of his shoulders, but the smirk was falling from his lips now and he dropped his gaze along with it, “I didn’t care too much about what the teachers thought, but the real trouble came later. I’d been getting into fights for a while then, for most of my last year of middle school, but I’d just been ignoring the consequences. Even when I drew blood... if it had been two weeks ago I would have lost it, but back then I wasn’t so far gone. If anything it just made me angrier... And then I put one of them in hospital and that was the end of it. The rest of them were scared off, in fact, pretty much everyone in school was scared of me by that point... That guy recovered just fine after a while but still, I couldn’t really pretend that the consequences didn’t matter after that.”

Zero took a sip of his luke warm coffee. His throat felt odd after talking so much. It wasn’t like him at all and he couldn’t quite make out how he felt now, after sharing this story with Yuki. Had he made himself lighter somehow? No, he couldn’t tell. The coffee tasted awful, but he gulped down more of it anyway.

Yuki asked, “But what happened after that?”

“I was suspended for a while... the Headmaster did me a lot of favours, since I probably should have been kicked out of school altogether by that point. But that was the last thing he wanted. I also started working for the Hunter’s Association around that time. They, at least, were impressed by what I could do.”

“And that’s all?”

“That’s all.” Zero turned his eyes back to Yuki to see what else it could be that she wanted from him. There was no judgement in the way she looked at him, just sadness.

“It sounds so lonely,” she murmured.

Zero rolled his eyes. “Stop. Even if things had gone differently with those guys, I wouldn’t have cared about making friends.”

“But why?”

Yuki clearly didn’t get it. But she’d never seen him in his classes, or met any of the people he knew... Zero wondered how things would have worked out if she had just been a normal girl, one of many at Cross Academy. Would she have even given him a second glance then?

Perhaps not, but... it would have been easier that way.

“I don’t know,” he mumbled. “I’m not sure if I can explain it... but I feel... too different from them.” He couldn’t quite keep the bitterness out of his voice as he added, “I am different...”

_...They’re better off without me._

Yuki had that look on her face, the one that told him she had understood what he had not spoken aloud, but he saw her cover it up with a soft slight smile. “I think so... but I like you anyway. Maybe it’s why I like you.”

“Don’t. You know what I meant.”

His stern reply caused the smile to slip from Yuki’s features momentarily, but a hint of sadness entered her gaze, her lips persisted with their gentle upwards turn.

“I wish you didn’t feel that way. I realise that there are people who couldn’t be as sure as I am, but I know you would never hurt anyone.”

“Obviously, that’s not true.” Zero looked down to his coffee, cold and foul tasting. He didn’t even want it anymore.

“No, that’s different!”

He gave a slight shake of his head, still not looking up at her, “How could it be different?”

“Those people _wanted_ to fight with you! You wouldn’t hurt an innocent is what I’m saying.”

“So you think that guy _deserved_ what I did to him?”

“No, that’s not what I mean either,” Zero heard Yuki’s short frustrated sigh. He couldn’t tell whether it was directed at him for not understanding or herself for not explaining well enough. She continued after a moment, “You’re not a bully, Zero. Those guys were... And anyway, I’m talking about now, not back then. It’s clear that you feel terrible about what you did, so I know you would never do something like that again.”

It was useless to contradict her. Yuki was thinking about it in all the wrong way and it wasn’t something Zero felt any desire to explain to her. What she believed just wasn’t true. But unless she had been deceiving him about her own nature all this time, there was no way she could really understand that. It wasn’t something he felt he had control over; rather, it was something untamed that lurked always inside of him and all Zero could do was keep it locked up and hope to God it never got loose.

After a short silence he heard Yuki apologise again, “I shouldn’t be getting you to talk about things like this at this time, should I? It’s much too early... I suppose you’ll be falling asleep in class again today?”

Zero looked up, a little surprised by the sudden change in topic. He saw that there was a slight weariness to her smile now. She used to smile so freely, but that didn’t seem to be the case since she’d started spending more time with him. He didn’t think he gave her any reason to truly smile. It must have been tiring to keep trying to appear cheerful for his sake. But Zero could not bring himself to consider asking her to stop.

“Don’t you start on this,” he sighed, with a note of boredom in his voice and it occurred to him that perhaps Yuki wasn’t the only one acting here. She pretended to be cheerful, while Zero pretended he just didn’t care.

“I hope your teachers don’t give you a hard time.”

“They’ve already told the Headmaster. What could be worse than having that guy pester me?”

Yuki giggled softly.

Zero always felt odd when she did that. He wasn’t used to the idea that he could make someone laugh. He was still trying to get his head around the idea that she could find any pleasure in his company at all.

“Hmm... there were a hundred times that I think I would have preferred to take a nap instead of having lessons, but in a class of one it would have been tricky to get away with.”

Zero noticed that little blush creeping onto her cheeks again.

“Sounds like a pain...”

The casual words they spoke felt uncomfortable next to the tension that was building as the two of them looked at each other. Zero realised that it was the most probable reason for her blush and finally looked away. A few seconds later he heard the scrape of Yuki’s chair on the kitchen floor as she got to her feet, saying as she did so, “Well, I think you should have some breakfast. Energy! That’s what you need for the day!”

Zero grimaced at the mere thought of her trying to force him to eat. He heard Yuki’s quiet steps as she padded over to the kitchen counter and then he heard her stop. “Zero...” her voice came quietly after a few moments, “Thank you for telling me your story. I know that something like that is a lot coming from you so... I’m really glad that you felt like you could trust me with it.”

Zero opened his mouth to respond, but the words didn’t come right away. Eventually he managed to mumble, “No, it’s nothing.”

But who was he fooling here, really?

*

Later that morning Yuki lay in bed, awake and watching a pattern of sunlight that had crept in through a small gap between her curtains. Those beams, which had first passed through the swaying branches of a tree, were now cast onto her bedroom wall and Yuki watched as light and shadow danced together.

Sometimes the exhaustion just makes sleep that little bit harder to reach. When it’s a feeling and a face in your mind that’s weighing on everything and filling you up, so that no matter how you turn in your sheets, your heavy limbs just won’t settle into their softness...

Zero’s face was in her mind. Zero with eyes blood red with hunger. Zero getting into fights at school. Zero with no energy _left_ to fight.

Zero uttering a name she’d never heard before... each syllable bearing the weight of some terrible significance she couldn’t understand. And, because she knew he’d never explain it, that was the face that was taking over in her sleeplessness.

_Who is Ichiru?_

And what had happened to or with that person to make Zero look so heartbroken at the mere thought of them?

The pale light continued its playful dance on the wall opposite her.

Yuki pulled the covers up and over her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally all of my finished chapters are up! Hopefully I will have the next one ready to go in a few days. After that I'll probably be updating every one to two weeks. 
> 
> Thank you to anyone who is reading this! If you're enjoying the story then I'd love to know what you thought! 
> 
> (chapter title from animals by cocorosie)


	23. Light that comes in from outside; if you could catch it all and pin it to your wall, then you would sleep much better

Zero’s attempts to catch up on sleep during school were not going particularly well. He’d managed to make it to his last class of the day, but only barely. Now he just needed to put his head down for a short while because, honestly, he was exhausted. Even on days when he hadn’t been up most of the previous night, he usually managed to find more time to nap than this. But today just wasn’t his day. It seemed that he had only managed to close his eyes for a minute when he was woken in a rather abrupt and violent manner by the slamming of a large textbook onto the empty desk next to him. Now he raised his sleepy eyes to the face of his master and the hunter glared back down at him.

“Don’t think that just because you keep pulling this crap in other classes you can get away with it in mine.”

Zero straightened up in his chair, feeling a bit annoyed at the interruption of his nap, but also a little embarrassed that it had been his master who caught him.

“Do you think that if you had a copy of the textbook then you might actually be able to stay awake during my lesson?”

Zero’s only response was to reach over and pull the book that had been slammed down next to him onto his own desk. He ignored the muffled laughter of his classmates.

“Page two-oh-one,” Yagari grunted, “Thank you. Oh, and Zero, you’ll be staying behind for detention when this class is over.” With that, Yagari turned to head back to the front of the classroom, grumbling, “That’s enough from the rest of you. Back to work!”

Zero finished flipping the pages of his textbook to the one he needed. He was gripping the edge of the book quite a bit tighter than was necessary. He only had forty minutes left of this hellish school day. If he’d managed to stay awake until then, he would have had plenty of time to squeeze in a nap before prefect duties. But it seemed as though each of Zero’s teachers had banded together to keep him from that goal.

Zero had intended to sneak off to the stables much earlier in the day to catch up on the rest he’d missed the night before. But he’d been intercepted en route by the Headmaster who had invented some urgent issue regarding prefect duties which seemed to be an excuse to walk him to his class. There, he had been watched tirelessly and called upon for answers throughout the lesson. Many of his other classes had gone the same way. The more Zero thought about it, the more he suspected that this detention had been part of the plan all along.

For the rest of the lesson, Zero tried to focus but it was difficult enough just to stay awake. He noticed Yagari’s eye on him a few times and honestly, as much as he respected the guy, it was starting to piss Zero off more as the lesson progressed. If he hadn’t been in a foul mood before, then he certainly was by the time the last bell rang and Yagari dismissed the rest of the class.

As his classmates gathered their belongings and began to file out of the room, Zero was called to come and take a seat in the front row. He picked up the textbook he’d been given earlier, and out of respect for Yagari kept his face impassive, and made his way down to where he stood. “Master,” Zero said, his voice only just loud enough to be heard over the chatter of the last of his classmates who were heading out through the door. “I’ve already been made to sit through every one of my classes today, is the detention on top of that really necessary?”

Zero could see through the window, how even though classes had only just ended, darkness was already looming outside. He feared that he was now missing the last few hours when he might get some sleep without nightmares.

Yagari fixed a stern look on his pupil. “What’s with this attitude, Zero? You used to be such an obedient kid.”

“I closed my eyes for a minute,” Zero muttered.

 “Do you really think this is just about you nodding off earlier?” Zero looked blankly at his teacher. Yagari went on, “You’re failing classes, Zero! Your attendance is abysmal. I don’t know when the last time was that you submitted a piece of homework. And apparently, I’m the first person who’s actually managed to get you to show up to a detention all year!”

Zero gave no reply. This was not something he was particularly interested in being lectured about when all he wanted to do was sleep. Even though both Yagari and Kaien seemed to think Zero’s performance at school was of vital importance all of a sudden, he just couldn’t muster up the energy to give a shit right now.

Yagari seemed a little frustrated at Zero’s lack of a response, but instead of voicing that frustration he simply said, “You can do better than this. I know your work is perfect whenever you actually put the effort in to it.”

Now Zero dropped his gaze, not wanting to look his teacher in the eye. He knew all this. He didn’t see how a lecture was supposed to help or change anything. It was just too much to think that his schoolwork could be important when his life felt like it was in such a mess lately.  No, not just lately, things had been like this for a long time. It was just that this was the first time in years that he had not been completely numb to it all. He didn’t know how to focus on anything to do with school anymore. Zero hated it, but the only thing that made him feel anything other than lost was... _Yuki_.

But Zero could feel Yagari watching him and he knew he wasn’t getting out of this. If his master wished for him to do better in his studies then Zero would have to try. He turned and took a seat at the nearest row of desks.

“Zero,” there was something odd in Yagari’s tone as he spoke, a hesitance that Zero did not often hear from his master. “I know that things have been difficult lately. That’s why I came here. But I’ve been watching you and it’s obvious that the threat I came to deal with isn’t there anymore. I don’t know what to think of your methods but...” Now Zero’s hands were gripping the edge of his desk as he realised what Yagari was referring to and he even felt a little sick from the shock of hearing it. But Yagari was not done talking, “There’s nothing physically wrong with you now, other than you generally not looking after yourself. If you’ve finally figured out a way to survive then it’s worthless if you don’t do something with your life.”

Zero did not want to hear this, especially not from Yagari. What he’d done with Yuki could not be condoned this way. For Yagari to treat it as anything other than a disgrace was... well Zero did not know what to make of it, but it certainly felt uncomfortable for him.

“But, more importantly...” Yagari went on, “You must not let that pureblood use what she has given you against you.”

This was something closer to the reaction he’d been expecting. But thinking about it, calling Yuki’s face to his mind... Zero could not help but feel this worry was somehow unnecessary and something compelled him to say very softly, “That’s not something she would do.”

Even without looking Yagari straight in the eye, Zero could sense his cynicism. “If you really believe that then I’m even more worried about you.”

He was probably right. Zero deserved every ounce of scorn his master had to give him. Things certainly did not feel as though they were on their way to magically working themselves out. But was that really the issue here? When Zero had taken Yuki’s blood, he had done something he didn’t think he’d ever be able to forgive himself for, but Yagari and the Headmaster both seemed willing to turn a blind eye to that. The only thing Yagari seemed to be taking issue with was the possibility that Yuki might have ulterior motives. What about the fact that Zero was just as much a vampire as she was now? Why was Yagari so quick to overlook that and throw the blame onto someone else?

Zero was gripping the desk so tightly now that he could feel the wood starting to splinter, but he ignored the feeling of it cutting into his hands. He knew he shouldn’t say anything but with the day he’d been having, the lack of sleep and now the lecture, Zero couldn’t seem to keep his terrible mood in check anymore. And there was something else that had been bothering him since last night that he did not think he could ignore for much longer.

“If that pureblood is so untrustworthy, then why were you talking to her about me? What possible reason could you have to tell her those things last night?”

For a short while Yagari did not answer and Zero could not bring himself to look at him. But eventually he received a gruff reply, “I lost my temper... I’m not proud of that.”

Zero thought of Yuki’s explanation the night before; he did it to prove a point...

“Did her response live up to your expectations?” There was a measure of scorn that Zero could not keep out of his voice as he asked.

Again, it was a while before Yagari replied.

“Her reaction...” the unfamiliar tone to his voice when he finally spoke again made Zero look up to see the deep frown on his face, “It bothered me.” Zero stayed silent, waiting for his master to elaborate and after a long moment he did, “That vampire has formed an attachment to you, which concerns me. When purebloods form attachments that strong, things always go awry.” He paused for a moment and then added, “Zero, be careful.”

Zero couldn’t help but think back to that night all those years ago; the same night he relived so often in his nightmares. He looked away from Yagari. He had released the desk from his grip and there were several small beads of blood welling up where the splintered wood had cut into his hands. “I already know that,” he muttered. “I don’t need you to remind me.”

*

Yuki was trying to read a book. She was aiming for a quiet and peaceful evening as she sat on a window seat with a cup of tea steaming by her side. But her eyes kept drifting from the page out to the wet and grey of the darkening sky. Sleep had taken a long time to come that day and Yuki’s eyelids still felt a little heavy and sore. Her worries still lingered in her groggy head. It did no good to keep those troubles that had kept her awake in her mind, but by its very definition, staying strong was not something that was so easily kept up all of the time.

Outside, the snow which had lasted for a few days had melted away and it made Yuki a little sad to see it gone. She tried to find reassurance in the calming sound of the rain’s uneven tapping against the window next to her, but it was hard not to miss that feeling from earlier that week when she had lain in the snow with Zero by her side and felt such hope. It seemed from their talk that morning that he was not holding anything against her but still, Yuki felt unable to rid herself of the uneasy feeling left over from the night before.

Maybe it was all just down to lack of sleep.

Yuki placed her book to the side, picked up her teacup and took a sip. Then she closed her eyes and tried to let the warmth of the liquid and the sound of the rain engulf her senses.

_You’re going to have to work harder than this_ , she thought. _For his sake, and for yours; stick to your promises, Yuki._

*

It was around dinner time that Zero’s absence began to seem odd to Yuki. She’d tried not to ask about it before out of not wanting to seem overly interested. But she _was_ interested. She was always interested when it came to Zero. Kaien had teased her about it on several occasions, thankfully not in front of Zero. Yuki was not entirely sure why she bothered trying to play it cool, since she was certain that everyone knew about her feelings for Zero by now. She couldn’t help but feel self conscious about it at times, especially now that she and Zero were finally making some slightly shaky first steps towards actually being friends. Besides, Yuki felt it was better not to trust that the teasing would stay just between her and the Headmaster. She figured it was better to avoid it all together if possible.

But now she was helping Kaien to prepare dinner by chopping the vegetables. Zero was nowhere to be seen and school had finished hours ago.  “Did Zero say he was going to be late tonight?” She wondered aloud. It was a silly question actually; Zero never said anything when he went off somewhere. He just disappeared under the false assumption that no one cared where he went. If she needed him then Yuki would be left to wander the school grounds, searching his favourite spots. She might have done that this evening if she hadn’t already agreed to help with dinner.

“Yuki, are you missing Kiryu again?” Kaien asked with an exaggerated pout. Here we go again. Yuki groaned, but she was already blushing too. “The two of you are becoming nearly inseparable these days. It’s quite adorable really!”

Yuki turned and frowned at the Headmaster, with her hands pressed against her burning cheeks. “You know where he is, don’t you?” She accused. “And you didn’t tell me on purpose so that I’d have to ask. It’s not fair...”

Kaien looked alarmed. “Perhaps that boy is having a bad influence on you, Yuki. I didn’t know you were so cynical.”

Now Yuki was the one pouting, “So you don’t know where he is then?”

“Oh well, yes. Or rather, I did earlier. I’m afraid that Zero has been a delinquent lately. He had detention after school today and probably for the rest of the week too.”

“What? What did he do?”

“Zero’s just not been performing well at school recently. We all know how bright he is, but at the rate things are going, he’s looking at failing the upcoming exams if something isn’t done about it. Yagari and I are just hoping to get him to focus a little.”

Yuki gave it some thought, “Well that’s... I suppose that’s good. That you’re trying to help I mean. It would be good for Zero if he could concentrate more on school.”

“I’m glad you think so too, Yuki.”

*

It was only later that evening, after she’d met with Yori, that Yuki saw Zero again. He was already at the house when she returned. She found him sitting at the dining table with a book open in front of him. There was also a plateful of the food that Yuki and Kaien had prepared. It looked as though Zero had just eaten some of the meal and then pushed it away from him. Now, he was either reading or possibly just staring at his book. Judging by the utterly blank look on his face, Yuki suspected the latter.

She took a seat across from him. “Were you skipping out early on prefect duties again?” Yuki smirked a little. She wasn’t really trying to give him a hard time. She was simply teasing. But when Zero raised his head to look at her, she saw his mouth was pressed into a thin line, giving her no answer besides that he was clearly in no mood for it.

“I guess you did end up having a hard time in school today then. The Headmaster told me about the detentions.”

Zero gave no response. He just looked back down at his book.

Yuki was never sure what to do when Zero was like this; when he was showing no real signs of hostility towards her, but just wouldn’t speak. She looked over at the book Zero was staring at. Something for school, she realised. Homework. “You want some company while you work?” She tried, but again nothing from Zero.

Yuki was still trying to figure out whether she should stay or just leave Zero to it when Kaien breezed into the room. “Yuki, you found him!” He grinned, “All is well again.”

Zero seemed to take no notice of the comment, but Yuki’s cheeks burned all the same.

Kaien came to stand beside them and peered down at the plate next to Zero. There was disappointment written across his face. “Oh Kiryu, you hardly touched it... Are you sure you wouldn’t like some more? Perhaps something else...?”

Finally, without looking up, Zero shook his head.

Kaien looked questioningly at Yuki, but of course she had no answers to give him.

“Some tea then,” he decided. “I’ll make a pot. Yuki, would you like some?”

Yuki nodded, “Please.”

With that, Kaien picked up Zero’s plate and headed back to the kitchen.

Yuki turned back to Zero. “It’s okay if you don’t want to speak,” she told him. “I just hope you feel better soon.”

She leaned over the table and hesitantly reached out to touch the hand Zero that was resting next to his book. When he didn’t pull away Yuki clasped it gently. On touching her fingers to his cool skin, she felt something odd on his palm. Cautiously, watching Zero’s face for any signs of objection, she leaned further across the table and turned his hand over to look at the palm.

“You’ve hurt yourself.”

It was not bleeding, but whatever cuts had been there before had not properly healed either. There were splinters of wood, some tiny, some quite a bit bigger, embedded all over Zero’s palm. His skin, where it had been cut, seemed to be making some attempt to heal around them but the result looked painful.

Yuki got to her feet. “I’ll get something for this. I’ll be back in a minute.”

As she said, just a minute later, Yuki returned from the bathroom with a pair of tweezers and a wet cloth. She set them on the table and pulled a chair around, closer to Zero. She sat. “I’ll just clean this up for you, okay?”

Zero did not seem to be objecting, so Yuki took his hand in hers again. She watched him still, but Zero was just looking down at their hands. His expression still looked slightly glazed over.

“It might hurt a bit,” Yuki told him. Still no reaction. Yuki took the tweezers and began to work at removing the splinters from Zero’s hand.

It was strangely intimate work. Yuki held Zero’s hand close to her face to see what she was doing. She could feel their fingers warming together. It was tricky too. The smaller splinters did not want to come out easily and when she managed to remove the larger ones, his hand started to bleed. Yuki had to hold her breath while she wiped the skin with the wet cloth until the bleeding stopped.

When she’d finished she looked up and her breath caught in her throat. Zero’s eyes were boring into hers. And they were so close. The closest they’d been since the night Zero had taken her blood. Yuki was blushing again. This wasn’t comfortable. Now she could see the distress in Zero’s eyes as he stared at her. She wished that there was something she could do to make it go away. And they were still so close... Yuki wondered: what if she just reached out and put her arms around him? What if she just held him? Would that make it better or worse? She still could not tell. So instead she smiled faintly and asked, “What about the other hand?”

Zero blinked slowly and then looked down at his other hand. He turned the palm up to show her. It was in the same state as the last one. “Ouch,” Yuki muttered.

As she began to repeat the process with this new hand, Kaien returned from the kitchen.

“Oh dear, am I interrupting something?”

Yuki released a pained sigh. This joke of his was just getting worse as it went on.

“No... Zero hurt his hand.”

Kaien set the tea tray down on the table and took a closer look at what Yuki was doing. “Oh dear,” he said again.

“It’s not too bad,” Yuki said. “I’ve already fixed the other one. It won’t take much longer now.” She smiled reassuringly at Zero, but he was no longer looking at her.

Soon enough, both of Zero’s hands were splinter free. It would not take long for them to finish healing up now. Yuki let go of him somewhat reluctantly. Perhaps it was something to do with him not talking that made physical contact seem more necessary than usual. She didn’t like the distant look on Zero’s face. She felt as though he might drift off even further if she let go of him now. But she did not want to overwhelm him either, when he appeared to be in such a sensitive state.

Kaien had poured the tea for them and Yuki took a sip. Then she got up and put some music on. She picked a soothing piece and played it quietly so that the three of them could listen together without speaking. Yuki and Zero stayed like that even after Kaien left, just silently keeping each other company. Eventually, Zero began to show some more signs of life; Yuki made more tea and he sipped at it, he made some progress in his reading. When one of the records ended, instead of finding another, Yuki retrieved her book and they read together until finally Zero went to bed. It was late by the time Yuki was left alone.

*

The rest of the week passed in much the same way: during the day, Zero was made to attend school, detention, and then prefect duties. Every night Yuki sat up with him into the early hours of the morning. And every night he looked a little more drained than the last.

He talked a bit more after the first night though. About as much as was usual for him anyway. They fell into something of a routine together. Mostly, it involved listening to music and reading. Sometimes Zero even did his homework, something Yuki hadn’t seen him do in a while. She was not sure, though, whether he was trying harder now because he wanted to, or if it was just because he was being forced into it.

Soon Yuki realised it had been well over week since she had given blood to Zero. That night, she had not known what to expect from him the days following their forbidden act, but somehow, the more thought she gave to the way they’d turned out, the less she knew what to make of it.

One morning, not long after she had gone to bed, Yuki was disturbed by the sound of Kaien’s voice from down the hall. Curious, as things were usually quiet around the house during the day, she got out of bed and crept to the door. When she opened it and looked out,   Yuki could see Kaien standing just a little way down the hall from her, outside of Zero’s room.

“Kiryu,” Kaien was saying, “It really is important that you don’t take any more time off school. You need to focus on the exams coming up soon.”

Was Zero sleeping, Yuki wondered. There was no sound from his room. He had only gone to bed just a few hours earlier and could not possibly have got much rest in that time. She wondered if she should tell Kaien that.

Before Yuki was able to draw any attention to herself though, she heard the front door open and close downstairs and then footsteps coming their way. After a minute, Yagari appeared. “He’s still in his room?” The Hunter asked Kaien. Neither of the men had taken any notice of Yuki.

“Yes. I haven’t heard a peep from him all morning, but he’s in there.”

“I don’t know what good you think ignoring us is going to do, Zero. It would be counterproductive to suspend you for skipping classes. So the only option would be to extend your detentions for another week.”

All three of them listened for any response from Zero, and there was nothing for a few seconds, but then Yuki thought she could hear sounds of movement coming from within Zero’s room. Shortly after that, the door opened and Zero emerged. That familiar black atmosphere filled the hall as he stepped out.

Yuki had gathered over the past week or so that Yagari was someone Zero had great respect for, so never before had she seen Zero looking quite so pissed off with him. He said nothing, but words weren’t really needed when the look on his face spoke so clearly of how aggravated he was. Zero simply slammed his bedroom door behind him and stormed out.

Kaien was rubbing his forehead as he stared after him. “Oh dear...” he sighed, and then added to Yagari, “Good luck.”

Yagari’s response didn’t sound like much more than a grunt to Yuki. He followed Zero downstairs and out of the house.

Kaien hovered where he was for a few seconds and then turned to Yuki. “I’m sorry we disturbed you.”

Yuki shook her head. “No, that’s fine! But...” she hesitated a moment, but then figured this was as good a time as any to voice what was on her mind. “I don’t like this. I’m not sure that what you’re trying to do is working very well.”

“Yuki,” Kaien smiled, “We’re all doing what we can to help Zero now. I think we just need to have a little patience before we can see a positive outcome.”

“He’s not sleeping though, Headmaster.”

Kaien looked sympathetic towards Yuki’s worries but she was not sure that he was taking them seriously enough. “Zero has been getting away with skipping classes for such a long time now that this is like an entirely new schedule for him. It’s going to take some time for him to adjust. Please don’t worry so much, Yuki. Zero will do just fine; we’re going to make sure of it.”

He said it in such a way that Yuki felt it would be inappropriate to argue. Perhaps he was right. What did Yuki really know about these things anyway? But as she turned back into her room and then climbed into bed, the growing sense of something being terribly wrong didn’t leave her.

*

Yuki met up with Yori that evening in their usual spot outside the school building. They greeted each other with smiles and began their walk around the school grounds.

“I like it when you join me for prefect rounds Yuki,” said Yori, as they walked. “It always got a bit lonely around here.”

Yuki looked at her friend and smiled, “I’m pretty grateful for our walks too. They’re relaxing. It’s always so comforting to start the evening out like this.”

“I think so too,” Yori grinned. “I wouldn’t even mind if I had to patrol during exam week too. It would probably be good for stress. But usually the Headmaster takes over the job at that time, so I can have more time to study.”

“I didn’t realise that! So I won’t see you much next week?”

“Maybe not... But you could always walk around with the Headmaster instead!” Yori giggled to think of that odd man as her replacement.

Yuki laughed too. “Maybe! Though I think it would be a bit different with him. I can’t imagine it being very tranquil.”

 “I suppose that would be the fun part.”

Yuki pulled a rather exaggeratedly uncertain face, making Yori laugh again.

Having found nothing out of the ordinary on their patrol so far, the two girls turned and started to make their way through the trees towards the back of the school. It was an icy, overcast that night, and Yuki wondered if she’d see any more snow at some point. She was starting to get used to seeing fluffy white flakes falling from the sky, but seeing the snow come and go over the past two weeks did nothing to diminish her wonder at the sight.

Yuki watched her breath rise up in a cloud in front of her as she continued her conversation with Yori. “I don’t envy you at all, having exams so close. It makes me glad to be taking a break from lessons myself.”

“Do you not get bored, having so much free time, though?”

“Oh no, not really... I always find ways to occupy myself.”

Yori smiled a little mischievously. “You mean, with a certain someone?”

“Yori!” Yuki laughed. “That’s not really what I meant! But, I suppose... you’re right.” Yori’s laugh at her admission faded as Yuki’s face saddened a little. “I’ve been worrying about him a lot lately.”

“How is Zero doing?”

Yuki hesitated a little. “I – I can’t tell really... He doesn’t talk about it. But I think he’s having a tough time with school... all those detentions and then prefect duties afterwards... Sometimes I think he’s being pushed a little too hard.”

“I heard that new teacher was being particularly tough on him... and someone said that they know each other from a long time ago too.”

Yuki was a little surprised, but she realised that it must not take long for this sort of information to get around a school. “Yes, they did... Do you have that teacher too, Yori?”

“For one class, yes,” Yori paused for second and then added, “He seems a bit grouchy... but he’s a good teacher. I like his class.” Yuki pulled a face and Yori chuckled, “You’ve met him, I take it.”

“Yes... I wouldn’t say that we’ve exactly hit it off...”

“What on earth did you do to him?”

“ _Nothing!_ ” Taking in the amused look on Yori’s face, Yuki sighed. “Everyone seems to enjoy teasing me lately... But anyway, it’s true: that guy hates me.”

Yori looked sceptical, “Are you sure? I think he seems that way with most people. It’s probably nothing personal towards you.”

“No... It’s definitely me...”

“I can’t understand why... maybe he thinks you’re distracting Zero from his studies.”

“Maybe...”

“But I’m glad you seem to be spending more time with Zero... even if you are a terrible influence on him.”

“ _Yori!_ ”

Yori laughed at her and Yuki’s lips curved upwards into a smile. She was grateful to have a friend that she could talk to. Though the night was quiet and cold, and they’d come across no students out of their dorms, they felt no rush to return indoors themselves. Being with Yori was cheering Yuki up.

Now they were approaching the buildings on the outskirts of the school. And Yuki’s eyes fell on the stables, where just the week before last, everything had changed so drastically between her and Zero. Yori saw where she was looking and said, “We probably should look around over there quickly.”

Yuki nodded and they started over towards the buildings. They were almost there when Yuki realised that there was someone out after all. Not just someone; it was Zero. Yuki could feel him. It was not the same as it had been the other week. Everything felt normal, as far as she could tell, but she had the feeling that Zero was not doing his share of the prefect duties tonight.

Curious to see what he was up to, Yuki stepped up to the stable and pushed open the door. She walked in a little way and there in one of the stalls, lying next to a big white horse, was Zero.

“Anything?” came Yori’s voice from behind her.

“It’s Zero,” Yuki whispered, “He’s sleeping.”

There was something about Zero’s face when he was like this that made it more difficult than usual for her to look away. But after only a few seconds the expression changed and his eyes opened just a bit. “Not quite,” he murmured.

Yuki took a step forward, but hearing a warning noise from the horse next to Zero, she decided against getting any closer and instead knelt down to see him better.

“Zero,” she said softly, “I’m sorry for disturbing you...”

Zero raised his head and looked into her eyes, but he said nothing. Then he looked up at Yori, who was still standing a little further back. “It’s you...” he muttered, “Am I in trouble again?”

Perhaps it was Yori’s presence that was making him seem a little more guarded than usual, but there was no missing the sarcasm in his tone there.

“Uh...”

Yori was clearly unsure about the answer to that question, so Yuki quickly gave her own answer, “Of course not.”

He must have come straight here from his detention, Yuki realised. He wasn’t even wearing a coat. Even the horses were all bundled up against the winter weather but Zero was just lying out here in his school uniform.

“You should come back to the house,” Yuki told him. “It’s so cold out here... We could walk back with you if you like.”

Zero shook his head. “I’ll go back soon.”

Yuki watched him for a few seconds, taking in that tired face. All of the rage from this morning seemed to have dissipated from him. Yuki thought she might have taken a little of it on herself though, thinking of that horrible man always being so hard on Zero. But she had to ignore that feeling for now.

“Okay... well, I’ll see you later then.”

Yuki stood and turned back to Yori, touching her gently on the arm. “Let’s carry on.”

Yori nodded and followed Yuki out of the stable.

After they’d walked a little in silence, Yori said, “There have been quite a few times that I’ve had to practically drag Zero out of there to make him get to work, but... I didn’t have the heart for it just then. You’re right, Yuki, he doesn’t look well – actually, I’ve noticed that a few times when I’ve seen him around school this week.”

Yuki’s eyes were fixed on the ground as she walked, “The Headmaster seems to have such faith that this is going to work... They only want to help him, I know, but I wish that they would think of some other way than this tough love act. Zero isn’t rebelling right now... I think he’s feeling very fragile... I’m just so worried about what’s going to-”

At this point, the two girls stepped around a corner and Yuki had been so wrapped up in her thoughts about Zero that she hadn’t even noticed the presence of the hunter. He was leaning against the side of the school building. Yuki came to a halt. She did not pick up the rest of her sentence and she thought to herself that either this man lived in a state of permanent anger directed specifically at her, or he had just heard every word she’d just said. He was glaring at her quite vehemently.

“Wakaba, isn’t it?” he said to Yori, without really looking at her.

“Uh, yes sir,” Yori’s voice was hesitant, understandably so. She was feeling quite worried for her friend at that moment.

“I think you can call it a night. There isn’t anyone else out here.”

That... sounded ominous to Yuki. With Yagari scowling down at her like that, she was not quite sure that she wanted Yori to leave her alone right now. But Yori had been dismissed and Yuki could not quite blame her for not wanting to disobey one of her teachers. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Yuki,” she said, sounding apologetic.

Yuki bid her friend good night and then quickly decided to pull herself together and face this unreasonable man before her.

As soon as Yori was out of earshot, he said, “A human girl and a pureblood vampire, out for an evening stroll together... I have to say it’s one of the oddest sights I’ve seen during my time as a hunter.”

Yuki answered him warily, “Yori is a good friend of mine.”

“Does she know what you are?”

“She doesn’t know anything – those are the rules, right?” Yuki was starting to feel some of the irritation she’d been harbouring towards this man returning to her as she looked up at him. “That’s not what you wanted to talk to me about though, is it?”

“You’re right... I’ll get to it then: you need to stay out of this, pureblood,” Yagari’s tone became suddenly a lot harsher. “You’re making Zero out to be a lot weaker than he really is, and I don’t want him buying any of it. He’s going to realise that he’s stronger than he thinks soon enough.”

How was it possible for someone to be this infuriating?

“I am not underestimating Zero,” Yuki said evenly, “I am simply _paying attention_. And I can see, quite clearly, that he’s not okay.”

“What gives you the right-”

“Zero has given me the right! You may have been there for him in the past, but now I’m the one who sees his face every night when he gives up on trying to sleep. I’m not imagining how close to breaking he looks. And as long as you insist on pushing him like this, I am going to be there to give him whatever support I can!”

Yuki felt that same anger she’d felt in the stables. It was bubbling under her skin as she spoke, and when she was done she did not want to wait around for whatever this man might have to say in response. She simply did not want to hear it. So she turned abruptly and stalked away in the direction of the Headmaster’s house.

*

Yuki was a little way down the hall from Zero’s room when she heard the crash. And even from here she could hear his breath, wild and heavy but slowing more as it followed the startling sound of glass breaking. Yuki turned cautiously, but never once wavering in her bravery, she moved until standing in front of that door. She whispered Zero’s name.

There was no answer at first. She couldn’t even hear his breathing now, like it was being held in. But his long exhale came after only a few seconds, followed by the words, “What is it?” Zero’s voice was quiet, muffled.

Yuki decided to take Zero’s question as an invitation. She put her hand on the door handle and turned it. She was being bold because neither of them had ever said it, but Zero’s room was off limits. As long as that was where he was, Yuki knew it meant he wanted to be alone. She wondered, had she just kept walking and sat in one of the communal rooms of the house and waited, how long it would have been before Zero came to join her. That was the routine now, after all. But though this had never been the plan, Yuki knew it was what she had to do. The routine needed to be broken. Something had to change.

She pushed open the door slowly, giving Zero time to tell her if she was not welcome. But the room stayed silent and Yuki stepped inside. Zero was sitting up in bed. The lights were off because he had been trying to sleep, but she could make him out easily enough. His blankets were twisted around his long legs and his elbows were resting on his thighs in a way that made him look hunched up and strangely small. His face was hidden in his hands.

“Zero...” Yuki whispered again.

On the other side of the room from him there was a faint square of light from the hall, reflecting off shards of broken glass which were scattered over a darkened, wet patch of carpet. Yuki’s eyes flickered over the mess, but she chose to ignore it for now, focusing her attention on the boy on the bed.

“You had a nightmare again, didn’t you?” she asked, very softly.

Zero’s hands came slowly away from his face and he straightened up just a little. His face looked the same way it did nearly every night now; his weariness beyond physical. He didn’t look her way, but after a long moment, he gave a slow nod. Now his coming to her every night began to make more sense. Who wanted to be left alone with their nightmares?

“Every night...” came the rough whisper, “Whenever I try to sleep now... it’s getting worse.”

Yuki’s eyes flickered back to the broken glass again. It was not hard to picture Zero waking suddenly and terror slowly turning to frustration at yet another failed attempt to sleep through the night. She could see him hurling the glass of water from his bedside table across the room. Rage only beginning to abate after the sound of the crash. But Yuki realised she could see the ghost of that earlier terror on his face, even now.

She did not know what to say to him. If she could have got inside his mind and banished those demons herself then she would have. Yuki would have fought anyone who threatened Zero. But the evil that poisoned his dreams and kept him up every night, how could she fight that? He was alone against it and no number of silent early mornings awake with her could stop that from wearing him down.

And worn down was exactly how Zero looked. He still had not turned to her. He hadn’t looked at her once since she entered the room. His eyes seemed to be fixed on the spot where the glass had shattered against the wall just a few minutes earlier. His fists were clenching, pulling his bed sheets tight, knuckles glowing white in the darkness. Yuki shut Zero’s bedroom door behind her. It wasn’t really any kind of thought that made her do it. It was more that the eerie look of ghost white bone under skin pulled taut and translucent made her insides feel wrong, and going over to him, climbing into a kneeling position on his bed and covering that hand with her own felt like the instinctual action to make that feeling right again.

He finally looked at her then. It was a vulnerable look because perhaps he was still too shaken up to put his guard up at all. It was one of those moments when Yuki could see the scared little boy in him. And somehow she now knew what to do. She curled her fingers just a little more tightly around his and smiled at him. With the hand that wasn’t holding his she reached out, oh so slowly, and first her fingertips brushed lightly against his hair and then, ever so gently, she let her palm cup his cheek. “You’re safe,” she whispered to him. “There’s nothing here that can hurt you.” His eyes were wide and staring into hers. Yuki just kept smiling and speaking in soothing whispers. “Go back to sleep, Zero. I’ll stay right here with you. So you’ll be safe, I promise.”

She knew what it was Zero was looking for in her face as his eyes stayed locked on hers. So still she smiled, just hoping that he would be able to see the truth in her words. And eventually, his posture softened just a little. His eyelids lowered and at the same time his free hand moved upwards to hesitantly brush against the back of hers. He wasn’t sure, but he had decided to trust her anyway. So just as carefully as she had touched her hand to his cheek, she now moved it away to allow him to lay back and close his eyes all the way.

And eventually, with his hand still cupped in hers, Zero fell back asleep.

*

Yuki shifted and frowned a little as she stirred from her sleep. The pain in her neck was the first thing her semi conscious mind was able to register. The second was that the pain was probably to be expected as she had fallen asleep without a pillow under her head. However, what rendered her fully to consciousness was that she realised that, at some point in the early morning, she had fallen asleep on Zero’s bed.

She pushed herself up into a sitting position, wincing at the stiff feeling in her neck. There was no need to be mindful of waking Zero as he was no longer in the room with her. Yuki turned to glance at the alarm clock on Zero’s bedside table. It was late afternoon. She must’ve had a deep sleep because the alarm had to have gone off hours earlier, but Yuki did not even remember stirring.

She had been in Zero’s room all day. She had fallen asleep without meaning to, but Zero had let her stay. And he must have covered her up at some point too, because she had drifted off on top of the covers and the blanket that had just fallen off her shoulders as she’d sat up had not been there last night. Yuki’s cheeks were burning but, as she gathered up a corner of the blanket and hugged it to her chest, she could not keep the smile off her face.

When Yuki thought of the reason she had come to Zero’s room in the first place, it made her look over to where the broken glass had been on the carpet last night. It was gone. Yuki was struck once more by the depth of her sleep because apparently Zero had even managed to clean that up without waking her.

Yuki couldn’t know for sure how well her efforts to comfort Zero last night had worked, but he had certainly slept; and for much longer than he had done the day after taking her blood. She supposed that it was a testament to just how utterly far gone she was with him. She hadn’t even minded sitting up beside him through what remained of the night, simply holding his hand and lightly stroking his hair whenever his face began to look fretful. She hoped that it had helped. That he had risen for the school day feeling rested.

As for Yuki, she had woken a little earlier than usual, but the last of the day’s grey light that filtered though the curtains was too dull to hurt her eyes. She felt sure that the aches and pains from the awkward position she had fallen asleep in were nothing a hot bath could not cure.

She climbed to her feet and smiled at the unfamiliar room as she stretched. Then, after thinking about it for a second, she made Zero’s bed for him, as he clearly hadn’t been able to do it himself with her sleeping on top of the covers. She folded the blanket he had lent her neatly at the end of the bed and then went to see about that bath.

*

A while later, Yuki stepped out of the bathroom feeling refreshed. Now she only needed some food. She padded down the hall, towards the kitchen, but stopped on the way when she heard voices from the living room. Was that...?

Yuki approached the doorway and peered in.

“Ah, here she is!” smiled Kaien, cheerful as ever. “I hope you slept well Yuki... I have a couple of things to attend to at the school, so I’ll give you two some time to catch up.”

Yuki stared at the other man who was smiling up at her from one of the living room sofas, his amusement at her surprise shining in his eyes.

“Kaname?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the chapter! Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading! If you liked it then I’d really love to hear from you. Let me know what you thought!  
> And I’ll try not to leave you all hanging too long! Hopefully the next chapter will be ready sometime next week.
> 
> (chapter title from come monday night by god help the girl)


	24. The loneliness of you mighty men

“I thought you’d still be sleeping at this hour.”

Kaname was watching her from the lounging position he had taken up on the same sofa Yuki liked to curl up on most nights to read. There was gentle smile on his handsome face. Yuki couldn’t get over the strangeness of seeing him here, in this room that she was now so familiar with, this place that was so far apart from her old life with him.

“The original plan,” he continued, “Had been to surprise you as you woke up, but it seems I’ve done a good enough job of  it here instead.”

Kaname was not giving any indication that he knew where his sister had spent the past hours of daylight. He was simply looking at her in amusement at his little idea of a joke, gone slightly wrong, but still getting the desired effect. She felt relief begin to seep in and relax her a little. He must have arrived while she was bathing. Thank goodness she had woken up when she did! Yuki didn’t even want to think about how she would have explained herself if she had slept in even an hour later.

Kaname got to his feet and took a few long steps across the room towards her, then held out his hand for her to take. “Yuki... come...”

He led Yuki back towards her bedroom. She was still recovering from the shock of seeing him. Perhaps she should have expected him to show up at some point without warning. After all, in his eyes, where could the problem lie? Kaname would not have anticipated the guilt Yuki felt as he gently tugged her along by the same hand Zero had fallen asleep holding the night before. He only relinquished that hand upon entering her room, when he turned to close the door behind them.

Then Kaname took her face in both of his hands, so that she finally had to look up into those dark eyes of his. His smile was beautiful. “I’ve missed you.” Yuki had a definite sense of the words being, not simply spoken, but _released_ from him as though they had been kept inside his heart for a terribly long time. In the first glimpse she had seen of his eyes earlier, she had seen something unfamiliar in them. She realised now that it was loneliness.

“I’ve missed you too,” Yuki whispered. She placed one of her hands over his.

“But not enough to come home...”

Had his smile always been so sad, she wondered. She wished that Kaname would not say such things; she hated to have to deny his wishes.

“I miss you. But I love it here.”

Yuki wondered if he would persist in asking her to return with him, but he did no such thing. Instead he pulled her close to him, joining their lips together.

She had kissed him before, in a way. When she was a child it was how she had obtained her life source. Kaname had provided it for her. But once she had mastered the use of her fangs that time had come to an end. He had never kissed her like this. Soft, but unmistakably the kiss of a lover.

After the few seconds it took to overcome her surprise, Yuki pulled away from him.

“W- what...?” she stuttered at him, full sentences refusing to form on her lips. She stared up at Kaname with wide, innocent eyes and saw that he was regarding her in return with amusement, though the laughter in his eyes refused to mask entirely another flicker of that loneliness. “Kaname! You’ve never... _kissed_ me like that before!” He raised an eyebrow; he was waiting for her to say more. “ _Why?”_

“I was under the impression that this stay here was an attempt to show me that you are no longer a child. In that case, I won’t treat you like one.” Yuki touched her fingers to her lips, still staring at him. Kaname was laughing at her. “It makes me happy to see that you have not grown up entirely in my absence.”

“Kaname...”

“Yuki, you are adorable. Do not worry about this – are you trying to make me sad?”

“Of course not!”

“Then stop frowning and come here. You must be starving.”

She was. Her thirst had grown stronger than she had ever known before, held in check only by the blood tablets she consumed frequently. Perhaps this could be passed off as normal for a vampire who had not tasted fresh blood for so many months, but Yuki knew that it was because of Zero, that it had only got this bad because it was his blood that she wanted. Kaname held his arms open to her. Famished, she stepped towards him, trying to erase all of her guilty thoughts.

*

Kaien still had not returned when they finally emerged from her room.

“I wonder what’s keeping him,” Yuki murmured.

Kaname was silent. He was twisting a lock of Yuki’s still slightly wet hair around his long fingers.

“What makes you like it here so much,” he asked after a moment.

“I told you in my letters, didn’t I? I have friends here.”

“You have me at home.”

“Sometimes... And I love any time I can be with you, but the days when you aren’t around are so lonely I can’t stand them. I don’t think I could go back to that. So unless you said you were finished with whatever it is you do when you leave...”

Kaname was quiet and if he had been going to answer her then he was not given the chance. He had turned suddenly, to look towards the front door of the house, though there was no way of seeing it from where they were. There was someone outside, she realised. “It’s Zero,” Yuki said.

She suddenly found that she could not quite look at Kaname. She stood and made her way out to the hall. The door was still closed, but Zero’s presence was quite distinct now. For some reason, he was just standing outside in the rain, apparently making no move to approach the entrance any further.

Inwardly, she reminded herself to at least try to act normal.

Yuki wandered over and opened the door.

“Hello, Zero,” she smiled.

Zero looked at her, and then at Kaname, who had appeared in the doorway behind her. It was a look Yuki had not seen in what seemed like a long time. It was like a storm cloud – the same look he had given her when they first met, when he had not wanted her to know what he was thinking. But she knew him well enough not to be able to detect the hostility he was feeling towards Kaname. And then she noticed his hand, which had been inside his coat, reaching for his gun even before she had opened the door. But now Zero was frozen, having realised the reason for this additional presence he had obviously sensed. He glowered at them for a few seconds, then dropped his empty hand back to his side and abruptly turned and stormed away from the house.

“Oh no... That’s not good,” Yuki sighed. She felt the now familiar tugging urge to follow after him but this time there was no doubt over how bad an idea it would be. Yuki turned to Kaname apologetically, “Zero takes some getting used to... actually I think he probably feels the same about us; it took him a long time to get used to me.”

Kaname simply raised an eyebrow at her in response. Obviously he was not at all happy with the way Zero had just acted, but Yuki figured he was keeping quiet for her sake, because she considered Zero a friend.

She led Kaname back into the living room, wishing that Zero had at least greeted her. Not only because it hurt to have him ignore her, but because she wanted Kaname to see at least a small part of what she could see in him.

“Yuki...” said Kaname from behind her. “Are you sure you’re alright living with him like this?”

Yuki almost could have laughed. He was asking her if she liked Zero, if it bothered her to have to share a house with him.

“Of course I am,” she answered with a smile, as she turned to face her brother again. “Zero acts rude at times, but I can forgive him for that... life has been too cruel to him... What are you looking at me like that for?” She could not properly decipher the expression that had crept onto Kaname’s face as she spoke, but it looked sad somehow.

“I was just thinking that it does seem like you’ve grown up somewhat.”

Yuki looked Kaname fully in the eyes now, making sure her gaze did not waver, because this was important. “I think I have,” she said. “I came out of my little bubble and I had to. I’ve come to face things I’ve never even thought about before. You protected me from it all so well... but I had to know in the end. I’m glad I have the opportunity to help Zero now.”

She had tried to keep her voice firm as she spoke, but it had softened a little at the last words. Now she had to fight that guilty feeling that was trying to reform inside the pit of her stomach as Kaname looked back at her. Why did he have to look so sad? How was she supposed to keep hold of the resolve to live her own life the way she wanted to when he looked at her like that?

“I wish you didn’t feel that way,” Kaname murmured, confirming her guilty thoughts. “But I won’t stop you from doing what you believe you have to.”

Yuki felt that there was little to reassure her in the statement.

It was at this point that Kaien returned. They heard the sound of the front door opening and closing, then they could hear him talking to them from the hall. “I’ve just received quite a telling off from Kiryu on the way over here,” he told them. He emerged from the other room and continued with, “All I did was tell him what time dinner would be ready. Really, I don’t know what gets into him sometimes.”

Kaien smiled at Yuki and Kaname and let his words trail off into thin air. Only Yuki found the corners of her mouth being tugged down further than they already were. If only Zero could have had some warning that Kaname was visiting, then perhaps he would have taken it a bit better.

“I hope the two of you are enjoying yourselves,” the Headmaster went on. “Oh and I found Sayori Wakaba, as you requested Kaname, and confirmed her invitation to dinner.”

Yuki’s eyebrows drew together and she looked between each of the two men. “Yori’s coming?”

Kaname gave Yuki a silken smile. “Ah yes, I forgot to mention... I saw Sayori before coming in to meet you earlier and, out of curiosity to know the girl you’ve befriended, I invited her to the dinner Headmaster Cross is making for us.”

Yuki stared in disbelief. “But... but how did you even know what Yori looks like?”

There was a glint in Kaname’s eyes that Yuki had seen many times before. It scared her a bit. All he said was, “I have my ways of knowing things, Yuki.”

“Won’t this be lovely?” Kaien said merrily, “All of us gathered around the table for a home cooked meal... Though I do get the impression Zero won’t be joining us. And Yagari declined my invitation too... You know, I wonder if that’s where Zero gets his temper from.”

Yuki wondered, with a mildly nauseous feeling, if Headmaster Cross had even stopped to imagine what this dinner might have turned out like had everyone he invited agreed to come. A dinner with two purebloods, two hunters, an eccentric schoolteacher and poor Yori caught in the middle of it all! It sounded like a recipe for disaster!

Yuki was distracted from her reverie by the Headmaster singing, “Dinner will be ready in an hour! I’ll be in the kitchen if anyone needs me!”

He practically skipped from the room.

Yuki turned back to Kaname saying, “Even after all this time, that’s something I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to... What?”

Kaname was looking at her quite seriously now.

“There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you since I arrived...”

Feeling suddenly rather apprehensive, Yuki stared at her brother and asked, “What is it, Kaname?”

Kaname sighed. “Yuki... When was the last time you brushed your hair?”

*

Yuki heaved a long suffering sigh as Kaname pulled the brush through her dark locks. She could not say how long he’d been at it for at this point; her hair really was very long. This was most likely the reason she had begun to neglect it in the first place. Having to take care of it was a pain. Yuki usually just pulled the worst of the knots apart in the shower and removed any bits of twig or whatever else might have got caught in it then left it at that. Maybe it was a little messy, but she kind of liked it.

But now that Kaname was taking the time to lovingly and painstakingly groom the tresses, Yuki could suddenly see the difference in the newly silky texture. He ran his hand through it and she could see his smile in the mirror on the opposite wall as the hair shimmered between his fingers. It looked so smooth and soft now.

“Thank you Kaname. It’s lovely.” And it had only taken... Forty minutes? Longer?

As if reading her mind, Kaname told her, “It wouldn’t take nearly so long if you’d brush it through every day.”

But Yuki did not think he was annoyed. He seemed to take a strange amount of pleasure in taking care of her like this. Even before getting started on her hair, he had taken one look at her hands and pulled a never once used manicure set from the top of her dressing table and got to work on her nails first so that the polish could be drying while he took on the tangles in her hair.

Now Kaname looked at her, wearing a satisfied expression. “I think you might finally be looking suitable to receive the gift I brought for you.”

Yuki’s eyes widened. “A gift! Really? Where is it?”

“Look in your wardrobe...”

Yuki gave Kaname a puzzled little frown. How could it have got in there? But she got to her feet, and wandered over to the wardrobe to open it. Hanging on the back of the wardrobe door was a new dress – all ruffles and ribbon and pale flowing fabric.

“Oh!” She breathed, reaching out to touch the delicate material with her fingertips.

Kaname said, “I thought it should be about time you had something new to wear. This one is looking quite worn.” 

He was referring to the dress she was wearing now, a comfortable loose fitting one that was not long enough to get in the way if she wanted to run or climb trees. It was her favourite and so, yes, it was looking a little worn. Yuki had not noticed that before.

“Oh, this one... it’s just... it’s practical, I suppose.”

Kaname’s gaze had become a little too intense for her liking. “You don’t like the new one?”

“Oh no! Kaname, that’s not what I meant!” She did not have the heart to tell him that while this dress was beautiful, it was perhaps a little too beautiful. The majority of the lovely lace and silk garments she had were never really worn these days. One or two of them had been caught on tree branches or stained with mud and Yuki had quickly realised that they simply weren’t suited for life at the Academy.

But of course the last thing she wanted now was to appear ungrateful. Yuki turned back to Kaname and murmured, “Thank you.” Then she leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. A faint blush warmed her face as the action conjured up the memory of Kaname’s earlier kiss. The smile that had formed on his lips let her know that he guessed where her thoughts had strayed to.

“Okay!” Yuki said quickly. “Go wait outside while I change!”

She shooed Kaname out of the room and then turned to the wardrobe, looking again at the dress on the back of the door... When had Kaname even managed to sneak that in there? When she was bathing, maybe? She realised that it must have been then because it had not been there when she had gathered her clothes before going to the bathroom earlier.

Suddenly Yuki felt a sickly, twisted feeling in the pit of her stomach. Kaname had been in here earlier without her knowing and... She looked at the back of the wardrobe. Yes, the dress that she had been wearing when she gave her blood to Zero was still there, bunched up behind the various cluttered bits and pieces that had accumulated over the months at the Academy. This dress had been covered in blood that night. She had scrubbed and scrubbed at it, but had been unable to make it clean again. And she had forgotten to get rid of it.

Had it been moved, Yuki wondered. It was impossible to tell. She remembered only tossing it to the back of the wardrobe after finally deciding that it was ruined. She had no recollection of where it had landed. She stared at the bunched up dress and debated the possibility that Kaname could have looked at those incriminating stains and not said a word about it. Surely he would have at least told her off for giving out her blood like that. She had been punished for much less in the past, after all.

A knock at the door disrupted Yuki’s thoughts. She jumped a little.

“Yuki,” came Kaname’s voice from the hall, “Are you ready yet? Your friend Sayori has arrived.”

“Ah! I’m sorry Kaname!” She called back to him. “I just – I just spaced out a little. I’ll be ready in a minute!”

She hastily pulled the dress she was wearing off over her head and then set about figuring out how she was supposed to get into the new one Kaname had given her. It was a pale dusty rose colour that had been made with rather a lot of fabric for just one dress. She pulled some ribbons loose on the back then took it off its hanger and began to wriggle into it. Before she had even started putting it on, Yuki had realised that this was not the type of dress that one got into without requiring a bit of help. She pulled the puffed sleeves up onto her shoulders and she tried to reach behind her and pull some of the ribbons that laced up at the back a little bit tighter, but she knew she was not getting it quite right.

Yuki sighed and picked up the other dress she had thrown onto the floor a few minutes earlier. Then she looked into her wardrobe at the mostly white fabric thrown in amongst the discarded shoes and bags. It didn’t smell like blood from here, she thought. Probably he hadn’t even noticed it. But she threw the dress she was holding in on top of it anyway and closed the wardrobe door. Then she called, “Kaname... I need help...”

Kaname, it seemed, had taken her request that he wait outside for her quite literally, for the door opened as soon as she finished speaking. He smiled at her pout as she held up the ends of the offending ribbons to him.

“Turn around,” he murmured and Yuki did so.

He began to pull, quite expertly, at the criss-cross of ribbons over her back, before tying them in a neat bow. Then he tied another long ribbon that looped twice around just above her waist, gathering the fabric there so that it flowed out freely to just a few inches above her knees at the front and slightly longer at the back.

“There,” said Kaname.

Yuki turned to face him again, smiling her thanks.

Then Kaname quietly added, “One more thing...” And he reached into the pocket of his jacket, pulled out a small rectangular box and opened it for her to see what was inside. It was a golden hairclip featuring three roses entangled in thorns and dotted with shimmering crystals of different colours.

Yuki’s jaw dropped. “It’s so _shiny_... It’s beautiful Kaname!”

Kaname picked up the clip and set the empty box down on her dressing table. With his fingers he brushed back a section of her hair on one side of her head and slid the clip in to hold it in place. Then he took her shoulders and gently turned her to face the mirror. He was still smiling so tenderly at her. “Beautiful... Yuki,” he whispered.

She looked like a princess again. It was a shock to see, not because Yuki had never been dressed like this before, but because she had become so used to seeing a different reflection whenever she had looked in the mirror over these past months. She had not even realised it until now. She wasn’t sure that this was who she was anymore. She wasn’t sure that this was who she had ever been.

But Kaname was gazing at her with such love in his eyes... She turned suddenly, threw her arms around him and buried her face in his shirt so that he would not be able to see the guilt that she was sure was written all over it.

“Yuki?” She felt him gently touch her hair.

“Thank you, Kaname,” Yuki whispered. “For everything you’ve given me.”

_I’m sorry that I only seem to be able to make you sad in return._

*

Soon after, they made their way downstairs, where Yori was waiting. She was standing inside the doorway to the kitchen, talking to the Headmaster, but turned on hearing their approach.

“Yori!” Yuki grinned, “I’m sorry for keeping you waiting!”

Yori’s eyes widened considerably at the sight of her friend in her extravagant pink dress. Yuki had entered holding onto the arm of her older brother, who only looked slightly less intimidating in the light of the room than he had in the rainy gray dusk after school, when he had quite unnervingly introduced himself to Yori. In stark contrast with Yuki’s outfit, he was dressed all in black. He was almost frighteningly beautiful. Yori could see the family resemblance between him and Yuki in the dark hair that fell over his face, but his eyes were darker than his sister’s and obscured a little by darker lashes. He was watching Yuki as she and Yori said their hellos. He was watching _quite_ intently _._ Yori was feeling quite unnerved.

“It’s fine Yuki. I haven’t been here long. Though I am feeling a bit underdressed now.”

Yuki looked down at her dress then back at Yori with a faint blush on her cheeks. But before either one of them could give any reassurances about wardrobe choices, Kaien had turned from what he had been doing and started making an awful lot of noise. “You look so _beautiful_ , Yuki!” He squealed. “Where is my camera? I must get a picture. I must get pictures of everyone!” He continued to squeal all the way out of the room to wherever his camera was.

The two girls watched him go wearing identically alarmed expressions, then they turned back to one another and giggled.

“Ah Yori,” Yuki smiled awkwardly, now going back to what they’d been saying before. “I think it’s definitely the other way around. You are very appropriately dressed.” It was nice to see Yori out of her school uniform. She was wearing a tartan skirt with a gray jumper. She looked very cute. “I may be just a little over the top.”

“Just a little bit,” Yori agreed with a giggle.

“That is my fault,” said Kaname. He was still smiling. Yuki was pleased that he hadn’t taken offence at their jokes, but seemed to be simply enjoying watching Yuki’s interaction with her new friend. “I’m forcing Yuki to indulge me tonight. I have not seen her in a very long time so in return, she has no choice but to let me make a fuss over her.”

“The dress was a gift,” Yuki explained, still a little self-conscious.

Yori was giving Kaname an uncertain look. “Well,” she began, after a moment, “It’s very –” But she was interrupted by the Headmaster’s return. He began snapping photographs of them all immediately.

When finally they gathered around the dinner table and Kaien served up the meal, it felt strange. Yuki was so used to it being her, Kaien and Zero these days. Every evening Kaien would make silly chatter and Zero would usually sit in sullen silence or maybe respond with the occasional sarcastic comment. Yuki would giggle, causing the Headmaster to insist he was being picked on by both of them. Sometimes she and Zero would bicker light-heartedly and Kaien would make rather useless attempts to play mediator. Some days it was all a bit harder and all Yuki could do was support Zero silently; send small smiles across the table, meant as a reminder that he had it in him to be strong. She had not been there long, but this place had become home.

Now Yori sat across from her, Kaname at her side and Zero was nowhere to be seen. There was nothing bad about it – it was just strange.

Yuki did her best to adapt. She joked and smiled with Yori. Kaien was the same as ever, making jokes that no one else quite understood. Kaname was mostly quiet; he seemed content with just watching Yuki.

But this was perhaps the most difficult part of it – feeling so observed by Kaname. His sudden arrival had brought up so much in her mind that she’d been doing her best to hide from. The events that had transpired in the few short hours since then had only added to her confusion.

Everything: all of Kaname’s hints at how he missed her; the dresses; the secrets she was keeping from him; the kiss... all of it was adding up inside her head. And then there was how she had taken a lot of Kaname’s blood earlier – much more than he had of hers – yet she was beginning to feel that it had done very little to lessen her thirst. It had taken the edge off maybe, but that was about it. Yuki had never before felt thirsty so soon after drinking Kaname’s blood. And this, along with all those other thoughts, weighed on her smile.

But Yuki did what she could to keep her expression light and cheerful, to not let those worries show through. She ate the strange meal Kaien had made. She tried not to avoid looking at Kaname too much. She did her best to appear like everything was normal. And all the while, on the inside, Yuki was letting guilt eat away at her. The promises she had made to herself had not been forgotten, after all. And after everything he had done for her, didn’t Kaname deserve better than all of those lies?

Yuki was not sure she had it in her to tell the truth. Even when the meal was finished and Yori had returned to her dorm, Yuki felt no closer to finding that bravery. She wished instead for Kaien to linger and keep the conversation easy. Such a contrast to when Zero was home and she’d be waiting until they were alone, wondering if tonight would be one of those nights when he’d open up with her – it always made her feel so much closer to him when he did. But Kaien stayed up only a little longer than he would have usually. Though Yuki was sure he could have talked all night, he seemed to think that Yuki would want more time alone with her brother.

Kaien yawned as he rose to his feet. “What a busy day it’s been... It was wonderful to see you, Kaname. Are you sure you wouldn’t like to stay longer? It would be no trouble to prepare a room for you.”

Yuki blinked up at Kaname, “You’re going already?”

Kaname smiled sadly – Yuki was beginning to wonder if he remembered how to smile any other way. “Soon,” he answered her, and then he turned back to Kaien, “I’ll have to decline this time. I saw the opportunity to take a slight detour from my travels and visit my dear Yuki, and could not resist, but I must continue shortly. I have an appointment tomorrow that I must not miss.” 

“Then I’ll say goodbye now and leave you in Yuki’s hands. It really was a lovely surprise, you showing up like this, I’m sure Yuki will agree. Come back for another visit soon won’t you? Goodnight!”

“Goodnight Headmaster,” Yuki murmured, watching him practically propel himself from the room with the force of his wave. Now she was left only with Kaname and her growing anxiety. Once again she thought about simply coming out with the truth; about Zero... what she’d done with him. How that kiss earlier was so far from what she really wanted. She should do it. She should face these problems like a grown up. Then she wouldn’t have to feel so disgustingly deceitful every time Kaname treated her with kindness. She wouldn’t have to skirt around any topic even slightly relating to Zero in her letters, just for fear of giving herself away. Maybe then she’d be free to be herself around her big brother. And maybe, Yuki thought tentatively, maybe he would understand.

But even as Yuki turned and peered up at him, all she could focus on in his smile was that distance that had not been there when they were children. Yuki could not say when it was that Kaname had started to look so lonely, but she was feeling more and more certain that it was her fault. And up against that, there were no words that could explain it just right. There was nothing inside her but a miserable knot in her stomach and Yuki knew that there was no good coming from this feeling. There was no getting around it. To be truthful, Yuki would have to cause Kaname pain... she’d have to hurt him. And she couldn’t make herself do that. She did not know how.

She gave Kaname a wobbly smile. “So... this appointment tomorrow... it must be important if you’re running off so soon to get to it.” But then these things were always important. The disappointment Yuki felt in reaction to it was second nature to her now. But somehow it was mixed with the relief she felt knowing that she would not have to face his sad smile for long. Though the guilt that came with that feeling would probably last much longer.

“Yes, I suppose it is.”

“What is it about?”

“Nothing I’d want to bore you with. If I’m to leave soon then I’d much rather talk about something else.”

“What would you like to talk about?”

Kaname paused for several seconds before giving any answer. His dark eyes searched Yuki’s face intently and she realised what it was going to be before he even spoke. “I’d like to know what it is that’s troubling you so, Yuki.”

Yuki had no reason to be surprised by this question. In fact, the only reason she’d even asked about Kaname’s appointment tomorrow was to delay the moment he’d get to this point. The tension between the two of them had been growing too heavy to ignore and though Yuki had hoped that it was only her own anxiety amplifying the feeling, the truth of the matter was that Kaname would had to have been completely oblivious not to pick up on it.

“I... I’m not sure how to reply to that,” Yuki told him, honestly. Honesty, she thought, seemed like a good place to begin. Even if she was not certain that she’d be able to carry on that way.

“There must be a reason you’ve been looking so worried for the past few hours. Is it because of me?”

Yuki stayed silent. That sick, heavy knot in her stomach had eaten all of her words. She didn’t know what to give him now.

 _Don’t cry, Yuki,_ she thought, _don’t cry – that will only make it worse._

“Perhaps you do not want me to go? Perhaps, after so long apart, this visit is too brief... Am I being cruel in leaving so soon?”

Yuki considered the question: she could answer yes. She could let him think the problem was simply that she missed him. It would be so easy... except, then Yuki would have to live with the deceit afterwards. She’d have another lie atop the pile she’d been dragging along behind her all night.

“It’s nothing you’ve done, Kaname. It’s me. It’s my fault.”

 Kaname merely raised an eyebrow. If he was feeling anything like the anxiety that was consuming Yuki, then he did not show it. He looked perfectly calm as he asked, “And what is it exactly that is weighing on your conscience tonight?”

Yuki’s lip trembled. If she was going to say it then now was the time.

But instead the words that came out of her mouth were, “I hurt you. By leaving. Every time I look at you I can see it.” Yuki’s voice grew fainter as she spoke, “I never wanted that.”

“Then what did you want, Yuki? What did you expect?”

“I – I don’t know... I wanted to be free.”

“But you were never a prisoner. My only ever wish has been to keep you safe.”

“I know.” Yuki bowed her head, looking miserably at the floor, but Kaname reached over and with one finger placed under her chin, lifted her head again so that she was looking into his eyes.

“You are the brightest thing in my life. The most beautiful... But we do not live in a world that is suited for such loveliness. There are those who would like nothing more than to destroy it – to take it and twist it for their own dark desires. If that were ever to happen to you, if your light was ever to be extinguished, then I do not think I could go on.”

It was only when the finger under Yuki’s chin moved to brush along her cheek, that she realised she had let a tear fall.

“Is this where you want to be?” Kaname asked her, “Are you happy here?”

Yuki would have felt absurd nodding yes to that question with tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. Instead she forced out the words, “I can’t go back. Not yet.”

Kaname straightened up and dropped his hand from her face. Yuki felt a panicked desire to make him understand. “You aren’t even going back there yourself. If I did go now then nothing would have even changed. I’d be heading back to the same loneliness I left. Kaname, you – _you don’t know what it was like!_ ”

The hard look in Kaname’s eyes silenced Yuki and she felt a surge of shame – because she was wrong. Kaname knew exactly what it was like. In running away from that loneliness, she had inflicted it on him instead. Was that not exactly what she had been seeing in those looks of his all night?

And so he had come to her... And so wrapped up as she was in her worries and her guilt, she’d done practically nothing to comfort him.

Now Kaname ignored the latter half of Yuki’s outburst, focusing instead on the topic of tomorrow’s appointment, “There’s nothing that can be done about that for now. I would love for the circumstances to be different, but that is impossible unless I work towards a change.”

“What change?” What could he possibly do by himself?

Kaname shook his head. “Now is not the time to go into that. In fact, I have little time left. I must be leaving soon.”

Yuki’s eyes widened a little. “What? But Kaname, you can’t go _now_!”

Kaname’s long dark lashes were shading his eyes as he looked, unsmiling, at her. “But I must,” he replied, simply.

“But...”

Yuki had been going to say that they had not even worked the problem out yet. Then she remembered how her chances of doing so were slim, given that she had not even done him the decency of telling him the full truth.

“I don’t want to leave things like this,” she said.

Kaname nodded slowly. “I know – I’m sorry.”

Then he pulled Yuki into his arms.

“I wish only for your happiness,” he murmured into her ear, “But if the issues we’ve discussed are preventing that then you might consider changing your mind about this place. You will always be welcome back home any time you choose.”

Yuki could not answer; there was a lump in her throat.

She wished that she could give Kaname what he wanted. If things had been different, if there had just been herself to consider, then perhaps she would have given in already. But that just wasn’t the case anymore – even through all of this, Yuki could not forget about her promise to Zero. It was impossible for her to leave him now.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” she whispered.

Kaname pulled back to look at her. Then he sighed and got to his feet. “Please consider what I’ve asked of you... Goodbye Yuki.”

*

The horses were restless when Zero awoke. Even White Lily, who was usually calmed by Zero’s presence, was alert and huffing angrily through her nostrils. It was probably her stomping that had woke him.

“Are you trying to trample me?” he grumbled to the horse. “What is it, Lily?”

It was then that he noticed the similar sounds coming from the other stalls and it was not difficult for Zero to figure out what it was they were objecting to. He could sense it himself now.

That pureblood...

Zero did not even have time to get to his feet, never mind pull out his weapon. The vampire he had seen with Yuki earlier was already stepping out from the shadows to where Zero could now see him over the gate to Lily’s stall. Zero froze – crouched low next to Lily. His hand was half way to Bloody Rose when the elder Kuran spoke, “There is no need for that.”

The look on Kuran’s face was deadly, but Zero was glaring just as hatefully back at him. He was silent as he weighed up what possible threat his visitor might pose to him.

“I only came to tell you something. As soon as I have done so I will leave and you can return to whatever it was you were doing in this place.”

Again, Zero did not respond, nor did he relax. He remained poised to grab Bloody Rose, should he need to, and waited to hear what the vampire would say.

“I’ll get to the point then: it seems that Yuki has, for some unfathomable reason, formed quite an attachment to you,” Kuran spoke in a quiet, even tone, but the distain in his voice was clear. “I don’t like it, but as things stand, there isn’t anything I can do to stop it. Not without causing her pain.” He paused, looking down at Zero like he was something insignificant and disgusting that had dared to cross him. Though he gave the appearance of being calm, Zero could feel the silent rage coming from him. The horses could feel it too and they were stomping and shrieking louder than before. If Zero had been inside any other stall than White Lily’s then he might have been trampled to death.

Kuran went on speaking, “But I will not leave without telling you this: you will not do a thing to harm Yuki. Do not give me any better reason than I already have to destroy you.”

Zero could not have responded to that even if he had wanted to. He simply glared as Kuran gave him one last derisive glance over then said, “That is all.” And then he turned and walked back out into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos and the bookmark and also thank you all just for reading! I hope that you enjoyed the new installment! Now I would just love to hear your thoughts on it! The parts you enjoyed, observations, predictions? Is there anything in particular that you’re hoping to see in future chapters? Tell me all about it, please! You’ll help to keep me motivated while I work on the next chapter :)  
> (chapter title from go long by joanna newsom)


	25. There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road

It was late when Zero returned to the house. He had actually been managing to sleep reasonably well in the stables earlier, but there was no way he was getting back to that now. He was too pissed off. He hoped that that pureblood coming to harass him meant that he’d already said his goodbyes to Yuki because there was a strong possibility that Zero might actually shoot Kuran if he was anywhere between him and his own room again now.

What the hell had been going on in his head for the past few weeks, he wondered. This was what purebloods were: manipulative and endlessly arrogant... This was the older brother that Yuki adored. She had smiled at Zero before, all innocence, while that man stood behind her with a look of poison on his face. She had smiled at him and he had smelled that man’s blood on her...

So – what? Had he been pretending she was something different all this time? Had Zero really thought that she was all hope and warm hands and smiles without fangs?

He thought of her pulling him close that night and refusing to let go, that mockery of a comforting gesture that had ended in blood only two weeks or so before. Zero could feel that blood in him even now. He could feel the pull of it, back to its source.

But what was it he was being drawn to – the blood or her? He could not tell where the two separated. This was not like the madness of falling to level E. It was something else entirely. But what was terrifying about it was that he seemed to have even less control over it.

This was what purebloods did.

Zero had reached the house now. He let himself in, took off his damp coat and threw it at one of the hooks on the wall.

There was no sign of that vampire.

So what would he do now, he asked himself, go to his own room or... or go and tell her how he knew what she really was now? He had caught that reek of blood on her earlier and... he knew...

Zero was in the mood for lashing out.

Maybe now he wanted violence. Maybe he wanted the taste of blood on his tongue... She had been the one to give him that first, after all. So maybe she should see the consequences.

He stepped into the room where she sat. He was burning on the inside. Teeth gritted, lip curled.

Then he saw the movement of her rubbing her face against her arm before she turned to face him. She was wearing one of her most unconvincing smiles.

“Zero...”

And he didn’t know what he’d been expecting but she was perched on the sofa, in front of the television, wearing some sort of princess gown and eating ice cream straight from the tub. On the screen in front of her, some starry eyed anime girl was making the ever important magical transformation into a skimpier outfit, before facing her adversary. Yuki’s face was as puffy pink as her ridiculous dress.

On seeing the anger fizzle out of him, and realising that she was fooling no one, Yuki dropped her smile and simply offered up the ice cream tub to Zero.

For a few seconds he just stared at it. Then he took the last few steps to where she sat, took the tub and fell down onto the sofa next to her.

Zero allowed a few seconds to pass, while he stared down into the half eaten dessert, and then he spoke up, “Do you want to talk about it?” The words came out in a strangely defeated monotone. He was still looking at the ice cream rather than at Yuki but he was more stabbing at it with the spoon than actually eating it. His face was blank.

“I don’t think...” Yuki began and Zero looked up at her as her words trailed off. She shook her head and gave him a sad smile. “But thank you, Zero.” A tear fell from the corner of her eye.

Looking closer to annoyed than anything else, Zero said, “Don’t do that.” Then slowly he reached out his hand and gently wiped at the tear with his knuckles. And the look she gave him in return, all wide eyes and a not fully there smile – Zero didn’t really want to figure out what it meant. So he just passed the ice cream tub back to her and turned away, facing the television. And there they stayed, neither one of them speaking.

*

When Zero woke the following afternoon, he was in the almost exact same spot on the couch. Next to Yuki. She was curled up with her head on the opposite arm rest. He blinked slowly and sleepily at her as he processed the information that, for the second time, he’d managed to sleep dreamlessly by her side. And it had been a long sleep too. The weekend had finally arrived, allowing Zero the much needed time to catch up on rest.

Considering that he’d just spent the entire time on half of a sofa, he was feeling surprisingly... alright – much better than he had done for most of the week anyway.

Yesterday, Zero had woken to discover Yuki passed out on top of his covers and refusing to budge. At the sound of his alarm she had furrowed her eyebrows and, not quite consciously, told it to shush before continuing to sleep. So Zero had figured if she was going to be staying there then he might as well cover her up. It was a cold morning after all.

Today, someone had had the same thought it seemed, as both Zero and Yuki had been covered with a warm and colourful crocheted blanket each. He began to register his surroundings a little better as he woke up a bit more and he realised that someone had turned the TV off at some point. He could not tell if it had been Yuki last night or if Kaien had instead found them at some point in the morning and decided not to wake them.

Zero was fairly uncomfortable with the idea of someone seeing them like this. In fact, he was pretty uncomfortable with the idea of waiting around here for Yuki to wake up and to have to acknowledge just how easily his guard seemed to slip when she was nearby. Zero decided he would have to get out of this room before that happened.

But this time, as soon as he even tried to sit up a little straighter in his seat, he noticed Yuki beginning to stir and knew that he was not getting out of there without her at least noticing him running away. He was not given much of a chance to decide which he’d prefer, to face her head on, or to admit by the simple act of leaving that this situation scared him a little. Before he was able to think it through, she was pushing herself up into a sitting position, with a little groan. “Again?” she muttered, rubbing her neck, and then she turned around and her eyes met Zero’s. She blushed.

Why was she always blushing?

“Good morning!” Yuki said cheerfully, with one of those smiles that lit up, not just her face, but the air around her.

“Morning...” Zero mumbled, though he was feeling sure that morning might actually have passed several hours ago.

Well, he supposed that there was no reason he shouldn’t leave now that he’d acknowledged her. Zero pulled the blanket off his legs and got to his feet, but as he began to step away from the sofa, Yuki reached out quickly and grabbed his hand. Zero just stared at her and she let go again.

“Sorry...” she said, and then, “Um... I’m sorry about last night.”

“Which part?” Zero was just looking at the door now.

“Well - um... the way you found me when you came in... I think that... I probably shouldn’t have let you see that.”

Zero gave a slow shake of his head. “There’s no need to apologise for that.”

“And... I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you that Kaname was coming here. He surprised me too but... I know it really wasn’t fair to you.”

Zero still did not look at Yuki. He just frowned at the same space on the door, trying not to let the thought of that vampire piss him off all over again. He wasn’t sure he was succeeding. “Whatever,” he said to Yuki. And then he took his chance and walked out.

*

Zero showered and then, with some relief, changed into something that wasn’t his uniform. He was feeling hungry, he realised. He’d skipped dinner last night and could not even remember what the last thing he’d eaten had been, besides a few spoonfuls of Yuki’s ice cream. But today it was almost as if he was behaving like a normal teenager for once. Spending the weekend sleeping in late after staying up watching dumb television. Waking up hungry.

He threw his towel into the laundry basket and headed out to the kitchen, where he found Kaien.

“Kiryu,” the Headmaster smiled. “I heard you getting up and made coffee.”

Zero looked at the pot on the table. He’d made proper coffee – the kind that actually tasted decent, unlike the awful instant stuff Zero made himself drink every morning instead of breakfast. Kaien handed him a mug and Zero poured the coffee into it. He sipped it and was surprised by the sudden feeling of gratitude: it was good.

Kaien was clattering around over by the counter and saying, “I heard Yuki getting up too so I was thinking of cooking... what would you like to eat?”

“Whatever... anything.”

Kaien kept up his clattering as he peered into various cupboards in search of something to make for their very late breakfast. He talked as he did so, “I had quite a surprise this morning when I found you and Yuki sleeping on the couch like that. But the two of you looked so adorable together that I couldn’t bring myself to wake you. You know I just knew the two of you would get along once you gave her a chance.”

Zero was making a face that, had the Headmaster been paying the slightest bit of attention, probably would have made him shut up immediately (or possibly beg for his life). But Zero had to admit, he felt a little like he deserved whatever he got for being foolish enough to let himself fall asleep next to Yuki again like that. Still, he did not think he could handle being called ‘adorable’ so soon after waking up. He hadn’t even finished his coffee yet.

He took another swig of it and then realised that Kaien was asking him a question, “Did you sleep well?”

Zero hesitated. “I don’t know... yes... I guess.”

He was not particularly keen on thinking about it. Zero’s insomnia had always been such an issue that the way Yuki seemed to be making it... less so... was an uncomfortable thought to say the least. Zero did not feel like it was a coincidence that the two nights he had slept besides her were the most he’d slept since the day after he had taken her blood.

“Don’t tell Yagari that I let you sleep so late,” Kaien was saying. “I know he’s trying to get you into more of a routine but... well, we all have to take it easy every now and then.”

It was at this point that Yuki wondered into the kitchen.

“Good morning everyone,” was her cheery call as she entered the room wearing a big grin. “Oh, I suppose I mean afternoon, don’t I?” she amended with a laugh.

Zero couldn’t tell if her worries from last night, whatever they were, had been put aside or if she was just using the smile to cover them up. However, there was no sign on her face of anything like that miserable expression she had been wearing then.

She took a seat at the table as Kaien called back to her, “Good afternoon, Yuki!”

Zero just wordlessly pushed the coffee pot towards her and she beamed at him in a way that made him feel the need to look back to the safety of his own cup right away.

Kaien began to chatter away. “Yuki, I took so many fantastic pictures last night. You looked so wonderful in that dress! Kiryu, did you see how pretty Yuki looked last night?”

Zero shrugged, not looking at either of them. He sipped his coffee and thought of her pink face, the slight swelling around her eyes. Last night Yuki had looked unhappy, above all else – it had been difficult to see past that.

Now she was laughing awkwardly. “I can’t believe I fell asleep in that thing... It was in such a mess this morning!”

“What was the occasion?” Zero asked suddenly, because he had been wondering about it. Yuki did not make a habit of dressing up just to eat ice cream and watch cartoons – at least not to the extent that she had done last night. Was her brother coming really such a big deal?

Zero peered up at Yuki now.

“Oh, well... you know...” she laughed and scratched her head in an exaggerated gesture of puzzlement, “I’ve never really known what’s up with Kaname and his dress obsession.”

Zero ignored her jokey tone. He saw how the light in Yuki’s eyes flickered a little, despite her smile. He thought it looked as though she might actually have a _few_ ideas about Kaname’s ‘obsession’. So she was still upset, it seemed, but she was simply doing a better job of hiding it today.

Kaien did not seem to notice anything though. He just chuckled at Yuki’s attempt at humour and went back to his cooking, humming as he did so.

Zero didn’t know what made him do it, but he somehow found himself saying, low so that the Headmaster would not hear, “I meant what I said last night... If you want to talk about it then... I don’t mind.”

Yuki’s smile turned to a look of surprise. She did not respond for a while but just looked at him as if by doing so she could figure out how he’d managed to see right through her.

But Zero was just returning her gaze with his usual blank expression in place. He had the feeling that this was the sort of thing he was going to be annoyed at himself for saying later. But he also knew that Yuki did not have a lot of people who she could turn to when she was troubled. There were things that she could not say to Wakaba. And he wasn’t sure about Yuki but Zero certainly couldn’t see the Headmaster as confidant material. That didn’t leave her many other options.

But once enough time had passed for her to get past her shock, she simply plastered the smile back on her face. “It’s fine, Zero! Nothing worth worrying about.”

Zero turned back to his coffee and drained the rest of it. “If you say so...” he muttered.

*

The wet weather that had been lurking for most of the week had finally let up and Zero was relieved to be able to spend some time outdoors without getting soaked. Though it had likely been more than the rain keeping him indoors; for quite a while he’d just been too exhausted to do much after prefect duties besides head back to the house or try for a nap in the stables with White Lily.

Zero had prefect duties as usual this evening. Despite there being no school, weekends could be a popular time for students to break curfew - though it did tend to happen more during the summer, and was not really likely the weekend before exams. Today Zero lingered for a while after Yori had finished her duties and headed back to the dorm to get a bit more revision in before bed. Zero still could not bring himself to feel particularly concerned about the exams, despite the fact that they were now only a few days away.

He sat on the wall of his favourite balcony with his legs over the side, feet dangling into empty space below, and tried not to think too much about anything. It was a difficult task to set himself, though, when there really was quite a lot on his mind lately.

Strangely enough, the first thing he did find himself thinking about was not anything recent, but a memory from months ago. He recalled the time that Yuki had come here and he’d found her attempting some sort of silly acrobatic walking on the very wall he was sitting on. He’d been so angry just to find her there; to the point where he had refused to go back for weeks afterwards because he’d felt like she had ruined it for him somehow.

Zero didn’t even know why he liked it here so much in the first place. It was just one of those few habitual spots he’d picked out for when... well, when he’d been feeling _unwell_ and did not want to go back to the dorms with the other students. This place was particularly peaceful at night. It had calmed him. So when he had seen that pureblood there, invading this space that had been so important to his survival during his transformation, he’d been enraged. He just hadn’t been able to imagine it ever being the same again.

Zero stared out over the tops of the trees. The wind tousled his hair and his hands pressed against the cold concrete. What did he feel now?

Every night, for over a week, he’d seen her face in his dreams. Her eyes gleaming crimson. Mouth stained with blood. And in that strange way that only makes sense in dreams, he had not always known if it was Yuki he’d been seeing or that other vampire – Shizuka Hio.

And yet, when these nightmares stole hours of sleep, left him shaken and exhausted and unbearably awake, it was always Yuki who soothed him. It was always the warmth of her touch that chased away the cold dread the nightmares left behind. And certainly – there was no evidence to deny it – when she was next to him, he could sleep.

He did not know what it meant. The two images of her were so far apart from each other that it didn’t make any sense. If he let himself think about it then it became overwhelmingly confusing. But he couldn’t seem to just let it be either, even when he tried to put it from his mind it lurked beneath the surface of his thoughts. Always there, unless...

As he had known he would at some point in the evening, Zero sensed Yuki’s presence nearby. And sure enough, a few seconds later, she emerged through the trees below. She smiled up at him. Zero gave no visible response, but something slowed inside him. He was calmer now.

He watched as Yuki made her way over to the tree closest to the side of the building and leapt up to catch onto the lowest branch. She did not have too much trouble with pulling herself up and swinging her legs onto it, but the process was not exactly graceful either. Once she was upright on the branch, she then began to climb until she was level with the balcony, at which point she leapt across, teetered a little on the stone wall and then found her balance and smirked. “Hmm,” She said, “It’s a little easier barefoot, if I’m being honest.”

Today Yuki was wearing her winter boots. She had a thick pink jumper on over her short cream coloured dress; both had been dirtied a little from her climb and there was a hole in her woolly white tights where they had snagged on a branch. Zero had often wondered why she chose to wear these things when she was so prone to making a mess of them, but now he thought back to her earlier comment about her brother’s ‘dress obsession’ and realised that it was probably because she simply did not have anything else to wear. All of her clothes were like this: pale and made from delicate fabrics.

Yuki made her way along the wall and took a seat beside Zero, dangling her legs over the side of the building just as he was doing. “Are you sure it’s safe?” she teased, “We’re not going to fall?”

Zero scowled at her but he was a little surprised at her obvious reference to the very same memory he had had in his mind just a few minutes earlier. Yuki just giggled. She looked out over the trees into the night sky and was quiet for some time. Then she whispered, “It’s so beautiful.” Her breath fogged in the icy air around her head. “Did you see the moon tonight?”

It must have only been visible from around the other side of the building because Zero couldn’t see it from where he sat. He hadn’t noticed it on his way over here either.

“A crescent,” she told him, “Sharp and bright.”

It amazed Zero how Yuki’s awareness and awe of the things around her never seemed to falter. It was not awareness in the way that Zero might have thought was useful, as he knew that Yuki could get so caught up in staring at the moon that she wouldn’t even notice someone coming up behind her. It was more like she was in love with everything and finding new things to fall for all the time. Zero thought of her spending so much of her life, the vampire equivalent of sixteen years, locked underground. What could she have been like back then?

“We didn’t really get a chance to speak yesterday,” Yuki said. “I’ve been wanting to know how you’re doing.”

There was no need for her to say that she was thinking of the night before last; of her hand in his as he closed his eyes and let sleep take him, gentle in its embrace for the first time in a long, long time. She didn’t need to say it. They were both thinking about it.

“Better, I think,” he told her quietly and he must have been in one of his more honest moods tonight because instead of just leaving it at that he said, “But it’s hard not to think about how... I don’t know what comes next. All of this stuff about focusing on school – even if I even if I can keep it up I’m not sure what good it will do.”

Yuki watched him for a short while, her expression thoughtful.

“Maybe you just need to get away from all of this... from everything you know,” she said finally. “Don’t you think that would help?”

“How should I know?” He looked at her. The slight wind was playing gently with her soft hair. She never quite lost the smile on her face when it was like that, when the stars were peering down on her and she could feel the night air against her skin. He knew how she loved it, but he couldn’t quite understand. “I don’t see the point, really. Nothing would have changed; I’d be somewhere else... but I’d still be... _me_.”

Yuki’s eyebrows drew together and her response came out very softly, “That’s not bad. You, I mean – you’re... not bad...” her face flushed and she looked away. Then she sighed and began again in a slightly louder voice, “But didn’t you ever have that feeling? Like... how do I say it...? You know, I always used to look at books about places that I’d never been. They had such beautiful pictures. Do you know when something’s so beautiful it hurts a little to look at it? It almost breaks your heart... I would think about how those places were real and about how _far away_ they felt. That sort of thing builds up and up until you can never get rid of the longing. I’ve always just wanted to... escape. Don’t you think that would be wonderful?”

He watched her as she spoke, taking every detail of her expression. How could he describe it? The way she felt wasn’t like anything he had ever known. All he knew was how very passionate she felt about the things she spoke of. All he could manage in response was to shake his head a little and say, “I never thought about that sort of thing. For me...” he wondered if he should say it, but looking into her eyes, he knew there was no use in trying to hide it, “For me the idea of escape has always been something different... something a little more destructive.”

From how her expression changed, the sadness that entered her gaze, he knew that she had understood. When she spoke again, her voice shook a little at first, then slowly grew more determined, “In that case... we can do it together, okay? My way, I mean. One day we’ll both get out of here.”

He just looked at her.

“Look, I can’t really say what would or wouldn’t help. I don’t know... I don’t really know all that much... but I think it would be amazing to see what the rest of the world is like. And if you finish school and you still don’t know what your life should be, then just... come with me. Find out.”

She paused and smiled at him. He didn’t know what to say back.

“I’m not expecting you to say anything right away,” she continued finally, “But I just want you to know that the offer is there, for if you ever feel like you’d like to take it. And I know that I’d want you with me. That’s not going to change now. I already promised that I’d be there if you ever felt like you needed someone. So, please... don’t forget that.”

It was so difficult for Zero to think of the future as anything other than some kind of threatening void. But Yuki had it planned out - not completely, but what she did not have in detail, she just seemed to trust would work out somehow. Even to the point of believing that he could be part of it. How could she know?

He watched her, too stunned to speak. And then he gave her a small nod. Not a yes, exactly, but an acknowledgement that maybe it was possible. She had so much faith within her. He did not know where she got it from, but there was enough of it that she was willing to share it with him.

And maybe Zero could use something like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, lovelies! This chapter was fun to write with it being kinda on the fluffy side... oh um! And the dress that keeps being mentioned? I had that in my head as one from one of Hino's illustrations. The one where Zero and Yuki are on either side of a glass barrier and, like I don't even know what Kaname's doing in that picture with his hand all over Yuki's face... But Yuki looked pretty cool in it. All creepy and doll like. And the dress in it was pretty so I just made up what the rest of it looked like.
> 
> Just so you know, this chapter wasn't betaed, so if there's anything nonsensical in it then let me know I guess?
> 
> As always, thank you to everyone reading this and sending me kudos and such. Please comment! I'm dying to know what you thought ^^
> 
> (chapter title from Clam, Crab, Cockle, Cowrie by Joanna Newsom)


	26. This torturous electricity between both of us

The cafeteria was possibly even more crowded than Zero remembered it getting back when he used to come here every day. He looked down to the lunch he’d just grabbed and wished that he had not bothered. There was some stupid policy against taking cafeteria food outside that meant either Zero was stuck here, or he could throw his meal into the rubbish bin and just find somewhere quiet until next period started. He thought about it. Strangely enough, it seemed that actually making an effort to take care of himself was having the intended effect on him. After sleeping a reasonable number of hours and eating at mealtimes, Zero felt a lot better than he had done the previous week. So it seemed to him that to continue on in the same fashion would be a good idea. Even if it meant he had to endure the school cafeteria.

He scanned the busy room again and finally came across a reasonable option: Sayori Wakaba was here and she had her nose in a book and a table to herself. Zero made his way over and placed his tray down opposite the empty space beside her. Yori looked up from her book and her eyebrows shot up at the sight of Zero standing across from her. “You don’t mind?” he inquired and after a second she shook her head.

“Of course not.”

Zero took a seat and Yori put her book down. He gave a slight shake of his head. “You don’t need to stop,” he told her. “There just wasn’t anywhere else to sit.” Or rather, this was the only space next to someone he knew he could tolerate. “What is it?”

Yori was still watching him with a look of mild surprise, but at Zero’s question she blinked then turned her gaze back to the book she’d set on the table – something for school, by the looks of it.

“I’m just surprised to see you in the school building when you don’t have to be. Aren’t you missing out on quality nap time right now?”

“I don’t think,” Zero said, in a tone just as dry as Yori’s had been, “That that’s a mistake I’ll be making again in a hurry... Not if it’s always like this in here.”

“Oh it is,” Yori was absently flicking through her book now and she seemed to very deliberately not look at him as she said, “Maybe you should have lunch with Yuki in the future.”

Zero’s eyes narrowed at Yori and she must have felt it somehow, because she looked up at him innocently. He watched her face for a few seconds and then said, “She wouldn’t be up by this time.”

Yori looked thoughtful. “Yuki likes to sleep through the day too? The two of you are well matched for one another it seems.”

At this, Zero’s jaw clenched all by itself. It was hard to tell if Yori’s casually spoken words had been meant as some kind of jab, but that was how they felt. “What is that supposed to mean?” Zero was trying his best to keep his tone even, but his words came out a little sharply anyway.

Yori raised her eyebrows. “I’m just pleased that the two of you are friends.”

Zero felt another prickle of irritation. Yes, okay, he had been spending a lot of time with Yuki lately. But he wasn’t aware of that being anybody else’s business than theirs. Just what, he wondered, had that girl been saying about him?

 “It’s more complicated than that.”

Yori took this entirely the wrong way. Her eyes widened a little. “Then you’re more than friends?”

“That’s not what I said,” Zero snapped. He was beginning to reconsider his earlier assessment of Yori being tolerable. He wondered if perhaps Yuki was beginning to rub off on her. How did she get ‘more than friends’ out of ‘complicated’? Was that what it sounded like? Was that what it _looked_ like?

Zero’s thoughts flickered involuntarily back to waking up a few mornings ago to find Yuki in his bed. But before he could allow himself to dwell on it for too long Yori said, “‘Complicated’ was the word Yuki used too... but she wouldn’t say what she meant by it.”

And suddenly Zero’s irritation had become too much to ignore. He got to his feet, saying angrily, “I don’t know why that would be a conversation you two thought it necessary to have.”

Yori looked at him in surprise, but she spoke to him quite calmly, “Because she cares about you of course. Are you really leaving? You haven’t touched your food at all.”

“I’ve lost my appetite,” Zero muttered. He was frowning, but no longer meeting Yori’s gaze. “See you later, Wakaba.”

“Don’t be silly, Zero,” he heard Yori sigh as he was about to walk away. “You need to eat. Look I won’t mention Yuki again if it bothers you that much.”

Zero turned his eyes back to his fellow prefect. Her face was completely straight and sincere. Was he overreacting? It was possible. He knew he did that sometimes; people were idiots and Zero rarely had the patience for it. Yori tended to be less idiotic than most though and it was probable that he’d be able to get his point across to her without having to resort to storming from the room. He sat back down.

“It doesn’t matter if you talk about her,” he muttered, “Just don’t make our spending time together into something it’s not.”

Yori’s eyes continued to meet Zero’s steadily, but now the line of her lips had tensed slightly. There was a little furrow between her eyebrows. “You know, personally, I count myself lucky to have Yuki as a friend. And she’s hoped for a very long time to be friends with you too. But despite all the time the two of you have been spending together, all I’ve heard from you is denial of that friendship. Do you really think that’s fair to her?”

The retort, _‘I never asked for any of it’_ died long before reaching his lips. Even inside his head it sounded childish and ungrateful. There was something about Yori’s calm and straight forward manner that killed all of his arguments so he simply said nothing and averted his eyes to his untouched food.

Yori sighed. “Look, I’m sorry; it’s probably not my place to be butting in like this. And I shouldn’t have teased you either... But I really think that if the situation was reversed somehow, then Yuki would stand up for either one of us. She wouldn’t even hesitate. So I have to speak up too. And I think the least you could do is acknowledge her.”

 It was hardly as though Zero had been ignoring Yuki all of this time, and Yori was aware of this. Zero did not know how much Yuki had told her about the late nights in each other’s company, which more and more often he had been the one to initiate. But that was not what Yori was talking about. On some level she understood something Zero had been trying to ignore. The acknowledgment she spoke of was something Zero needed to do on his own. Whatever she might have guessed beyond that was unclear, but what she was asking of him was simple: he just had to admit, to himself more than anything, that he and Yuki were friends.

It sounded simple, but it wasn’t. Zero could not blame Yori for being unaware of the complexities of her suggestion. She was a normal human girl who had somehow become mixed up with a vampire and a hunter without even knowing about it.

Yori couldn’t possibly know it... but wasn’t it shameful, the way he was beginning to feel?

And yet...

_‘Do you really think that’s fair to her?’_

“You’re right...”

But there must have been one hell of an expression on his face at that moment, because Yori did not look remotely pleased with his agreement. Instead she was regarding him with concern. But rather than asking him about it, she just murmured, “Hey, you should eat.”

Zero nodded but he made no move to do as she suggested.

*

Zero’s mother and father had never been hateful people. They had been talented hunters who took their jobs seriously but they were also devoted parents.

Raising a family in their line of work was not the easiest thing. They managed, with the help of Yagari, but Zero’s upbringing had been far from conventional. While most children were learning basic rules like ‘ _never talk to strangers’_ , Zero and his twin brother had been taught: ‘ _vampires can never be our friends’,_ and: _‘it’s not a crime to kill one’._ While those other children learned to ride bicycles, Zero – and Ichiru too, on the days he was well enough – were trained in the use of anti-vampire weapons.

The normal things came too; it was just that they had to be fitted into and around the hunter lifestyle. The Kiryu’s doted on their sons every chance they got. It wasn’t perfect – there certainly were a lot of things unspoken and left to fester even until this day – but as a child Zero had never doubted that he was loved.

This did not make the process of learning to hunt easy. It meant that there were some things about the nature of vampires Zero had to learn the hard way. It was thanks to Zero’s childish naivety, as he tried to defend a Level E he’d known as a human, that Yagari lost his eye. Vampires won’t hesitate to kill, Zero had learned. The lesson was cruelly reinforced when his parents were murdered right before his eyes.

Another thing he’d learned was that purebloods were the worst, the most deadly, kind of vampire. And he’d never had any reason to doubt it until Yuki. Try as he might, Zero could not link those words to her in any way. But that did not mean she was not dangerous. It was precisely because she was making him doubt the things he knew about vampires that she was likely the most dangerous one he’d met.

So what would Zero’s mother and father think about the way he behaved around her? How he would go crawling back to her every night, even though she was a monster in his dreams... Even though she was one of them, he still felt the desire to be near her. To the point where he sometimes couldn’t focus until he saw her smiling face. Only then would the blood in his veins – the blood she’d given him – cool and allow him to feel anything close to peace. There seemed to be nothing that he could do to change that. And he hated it. He hated that it had come to this.

As a child he’d been so strong. Ichiru had been sickly, born weaker than most children and somehow Zero had always known that that was his fault. There had never been anything he could do to make up for it, but still he wanted to be strong in Ichiru’s place. He could do that for his brother, at least, and his whole childhood, Zero had done what he could for him. Of course Zero had failed somehow in the end, but he had never given up trying.

Ichiru had always insisted that they were only the same in looks and that on the inside they were completely different people. But the memory of the last time he’d seen his twin was stained on his mind. Zero would never forget how Ichiru had smiled as he left with that woman, and what terrified him now was the idea that whatever it was that had brought Ichiru to that point might not be so dissimilar to what was now happening to Zero. Was it so unimaginable that he might be following in the footsteps of his twin?

Zero’s parents were kind people. It was possible they could have forgiven him. But that did not really change the fact that this was betrayal. He did not think he could forgive himself for it.

*

Nearly three weeks had passed since Zero had taken Yuki’s blood. In that time, Zero had somehow made it to the point where concentrating on school was no longer the impossible task it used to be. It was not easy, by any means. There was a lot that he had to put from his mind before he could even think about school. And it was still a huge effort most days just to get out of bed in the morning. Motivation was not something that came easy to him. But he was beginning now to fall into a routine that might – if viewed from a distance – be mistaken for normal. And certainly he would not have got that far if he’d had to deal with bloodlust on top of it all.

It was something that stayed on Zero’s mind because it was so different than just a few weeks ago. Being able to just be around other people, without the fear that he might lose his mind at any point and end up hurting or even killing someone, was huge. Zero had lived with that fear everyday and now it was very nearly gone. _Nearly_ being a key word. Of course he was not fool enough to think of this as anything more than a temporary measure. Yuki’s blood was powerful stuff, but it was not a cure for his condition. And there _were_ times when he could not help but think of this. The fearful state he had become so used to living with for so long was not something that could be erased from his memory. Accidents happened often at school. Students would get paper cuts or they would fall during P.E. and Zero would always notice. These incidents were not so much a temptation as they were a reminder. Not a day went by when he could forget the terrible difference between him and his classmates.

For a good portion of the time the since the night Yuki had pulled him close and made him drink from her neck, Zero’s thirst had remained satisfied. He knew this could not last forever but the first time he felt it again he couldn’t help but be upset by it. He was with Yuki when it happened and though she caught the look on his face, it was not obvious enough for her to tell what it meant and he could not bring himself to explain.

The sensation of the thirst was not the same as it used to be. Maybe, left unchecked, it would grow that way, maddening, all encompassing. But somehow these days it seemed more complex. The students and their accidents in class were nothing. It was only ever enough to bother him around Yuki. He put it down to Yuki being the only one he had ever drunk from. He knew what she tasted like, he didn’t like to dwell on it, but he knew. It was impossible to forget.

In any case, he had it under control. After all, he’d gone so long controlling it that it was second nature to him now.

There were too many things this week that Zero wanted to not have to think about. The reappearance of his blood thirst may have been a minor inconvenience on its own, but it added to his load. The timing was awful. He’d been doing so much better over the past few days and he worried that thinking too much would send all that progress to hell. It was enough as it was to focus on school and preparation for exams. And to make that work he had to remember to eat properly, to sleep at normal hours as much as he could. He felt that in order to do any of that he had to keep a clear head. But this, along with Yori’s words, had made it a lot harder to keep that focus.

Zero still wasn’t managing to sleep through some nights. Overall, he’d shifted into a more school friendly sleep schedule but it was one with a fair number of holes in it. There were still times when his dreams would turn violent and Yuki did not always need to come in to him, but sometimes she would. On those nights she’d just sit with him for a while, hold his hand, whisper comforting words and, though Zero did not quite know how to feel about it, he had to admit it helped. There were also no more incidents of the two of them falling asleep together, which helped in other ways.

If during that week Zero ever stopped to think about it, then he could never help but feel that it wasn’t right. Not because of the betrayal aspect – that shame burning inside him was a constant, he was almost becoming used to living with it at this point. But now that Yori had brought up the issue, Zero had to ask himself if he was taking advantage of Yuki’s kindness. It was absurd, really, that it had come this far; to the point where he was feeling guilty over the fact that he couldn’t hate her and just as guilty that he wasn’t being kind enough to her in return. And either way he looked at it, he couldn’t seem to come to a solution. He really was a selfish creature. He didn’t know why she bothered with him in the first place.

*

He woke too early on the day of his last two exams. Zero had managed to go a couple of nights without his usual nightmares but this morning had broken the streak. He lay silent in bed; trying to coax himself out of the dream, until eventually he began to feel like he had control over his body again. He turned his head to look at the clock on his bedside table: it was nearly six a.m. There was little point in even trying to go back to sleep now. Zero lay where he was for a short while longer and then threw off his bed covers and got up, feeling that the nightmare was too much to shake off staying in the same place.

When he got downstairs he saw the light on in the living room. Yuki, having heard his approach, was already looking up from her book as he pushed the door open.

“Hey,” she murmured.

Zero just wordlessly walked over to the sofa next to her armchair and flopped into it. He rubbed a hand over his tired face and then caught the look of concern on hers as she watched him.

He didn’t want to talk about it, because what more was there to say at this point? They’d been over it so many times already; she knew what the situation was. So instead Zero nodded to the book in Yuki’s hands and asked, “Any good?”

It took her a moment to figure out what he meant, but then she nodded. “I haven’t been able to put it down all night. I keep meaning to go to bed but now I’m so close to the end I thought I might as well finish it.”

“You’re almost as bad at sleeping as me... Feel free to carry on.”

“That’s okay. It’s nice to take a break and savour the story for a while sometimes.”

She grinned at him, but Zero could not manage to do more than stare sleepily back at her.

“Would you like some coffee? I could make you some if you like.”

“Uh...” he was practically half asleep still but even so he felt he need to decline, his mind flashing back to those thoughts about taking too much from her. “No. I’ll get around to it myself once I’ve finished... adjusting.”

“Adjusting?” Yuki’s expression was half puzzled, half amused.

“To being conscious...”

“Ah...” she smiled. “Well I’m sure that coffee would only help with that. It’s really not a bother. I wouldn’t mind some more tea myself actually. I’ve had about five cups tonight so I think that leaves room for more... I’ll happily get yours while I’m at it.” The look on her face was so earnest. Zero couldn’t imagine her offering to do something she didn’t want to when she looked at him like that. “So – coffee?”

He hesitated and then let out a small sigh. “Yeah... thanks,” he accepted, feeling a little embarrassed as he did so.

Yuki just grinned again. She put her book down, leaving it open page down on the chair, and then hurried out of the room.

Zero let his head flop back against the sofa cushions. He stared up at the ceiling and wondered how long he was going to let this go on for. He should make a decision one way or another to either fully accept her friendship or to tell her clearly that he didn’t need her help. And, yes, he was aware of what an ass he was to even consider the latter, as she was off making him coffee just because he was feeling like too much of a sleep deprived zombie to do it himself.

In the end, he didn’t let himself get far thinking about it. It wasn’t the time to be making this sort of decision when he had two exams to take, on not nearly enough sleep. Besides that, he wasn’t sure he’d fully recovered from the shaken feeling he’d woken with. So instead, Zero distracted himself with thoughts about when he might have turned into such a coward. He felt he would have been pissed off with himself if he’d had the energy for it.

Eventually, Yuki returned, holding two mugs. Zero could smell coffee and what he thought might be peppermint tea. He thanked her as he took his cup and she smiled warmly back at him. It was a nice smile – well, more than nice but Zero thought it might be pushing it to use words like beautiful or radiant in his current situation. He wondered if he would be okay with giving up on that smile – if he’d come so far that distancing himself from her would cause him to miss it. It was another question he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to.

Zero sipped at his drink and he felt the worst of his exhaustion begin to evaporate as the warmth of it settled through him. All the while, Yuki chatted to him about the book she’d been reading and he appreciated her effort not to probe into his reasons for being awake over an hour earlier than usual. Eventually he decided to start getting ready for school so that he would not have to rush later, as rushing was something he was certainly in no mood for. By this point Yuki had psyched herself up about her book so much that she could not resist going back to the last few chapters.

Zero took his time showering but even with the help of the coffee, and through the feel of the hot water against his skin, he could still sense lingering traces of something like terror left over from the nightmare earlier. It wasn’t so strange though; he never felt quite right for a while after them, usually. He closed his eyes, letting the water run over his face and tried to clear his thoughts a little. But his worries simply did not want to relent at this point.

A short while later as he dried off and then started to dress, he thought to himself that at this rate he might as well have just stayed in bed; as far as his hopes for doing any coherent work went today, things weren’t looking promising. But there were unfortunately too many people about who were determined to ‘support’ him for that option to look at all realistic to him. He figured his best bet for getting through the day ahead was probably more coffee.

After quickly changing into his school shirt and trousers, he wandered back down to the kitchen. When he got there Yuki was already leaning over the counter with her book open flat in front of her and a fresh pot of coffee steaming next to it. Yuki did not drink coffee in the mornings because, even with a vampire’s higher tolerance for these sorts of things, she was still too sensitive to caffeine to even think about getting to sleep after it. So that meant she’d gone to the trouble especially for him yet again.

“You didn’t have to...” Zero muttered but Yuki just shrugged.

“You’re the one with exams today. I figure you could use all the help you can get.”

Zero looked back at her, perhaps a little more gravely than the situation called for, and then he said, “I guess... well... thanks.”

“You want some breakfast too? You know, while I’m being helpful?”

Zero shook his head. “I’ll get it. Thanks but I think I’ve had about as much burnt toast as I can stomach for this month.”

Yuki was not often around for Zero’s breakfast time but whenever she was she seemed to really love this whole ‘being helpful’ thing and took it upon herself to make sure that Zero was fed. He probably would have appreciated it more if she were a better cook. For someone who loved food so much, she really was terrible at preparing it.

She pouted a little, but gave in easily. “Okay but have something – it’s important!”

In the end there was little else to be found besides a loaf of bread and a tub of peanut butter. Thanks to Yuki’s habit of snacking on cereal in the night, she’d finished the last of the box.

So toast it would have to be.

“‘Important’... you say these things, but you don’t make it any easier for me.”

Yuki gave Zero a slightly guilty smile. “Cereal is the only thing I know how to make without burning it.”

“If that’s really true then I worry for you... Just please don’t ever try to overcompensate for this lack of culinary talent or you’ll end up like the Headmaster.”

Yuki laughed and her hair shifted a little as her head tilted back, exposing more of the soft skin of her neck and the pale blue shadow of the veins beneath. Zero found himself staring a few seconds too long. The memory of how she had tasted that night flashed uninvited in his mind and he looked away, swallowing uncomfortably against the sudden soreness in his throat. He hoped she would not notice the way his hands shook a little at his sides.

Zero quickly distracted himself and began rooting around various drawers for a breadknife and wondering why the Headmaster couldn’t just put things back where they were supposed to go when he was done with them instead of making Zero have to hunt for what he needed. Eventually he found the knife and started on his breakfast preparations. Yuki was looking thoughtful as she tried to list meals she could make without destroying the kitchen in the process. She was not getting very far with it.

Zero was not fully listening. He was counting on breakfast to make him feel less like he’d had only a couple of fitful hours of sleep, but in truth he wasn’t really hungry. And the sudden appearance of his vampire thirst made the prospect of his chosen breakfast more unappealing still. But one slice of toast was not much in the way of sustenance and if he wanted to avoid Yuki pestering him then he figured he had better make more.

He must have been pretty out of it still because a few seconds later he felt the serrated edge of the knife slice along the side of his index finger. Zero swore as he swiftly drew his hand back from the loaf. The cut was small but surprisingly deep and blood welled up in it immediately. He had already raised his cut finger to his mouth, intending to lick away the blood there, when he registered the sound of Yuki’s sharp inhale. His eyes instinctively found hers, and then he stopped breathing.

Yuki had shut her eyes tight and begun to control her breaths, making them slow and steady. But it was too late for that. Zero had looked up a second too early and that was all it took for that crimson gaze to imprint on his mind. Yuki’s eyes had been the exact colour of blood. She’d been staring at him hungrily, wearing the face he’d seen so many times before in his nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter title from landfill by daughter)


	27. Creature in my bloodstream chews me up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to skip this note if you’re not concerned about content warnings. I’ll keep it vague: this chapter isn’t really meant to be a pleasant read. I have tried to tone it down a little, but I thought I should mention this anyway just to be safe. The reason I chose to end last chapter on a cliff-hanger might seem more obvious from the start because things are taking a sudden turn for the worse...

Zero heard the sound of the knife clattering to the kitchen floor before he even realised he’d dropped it. Yuki’s eyes opened again. They were back to their usual shade of mahogany. Zero could not say how long it had taken for them to change. It must have only been a few seconds, but time was not quite making sense to him in the way it usually did.

He saw Yuki’s mouth moving but the sound seemed far away and muffled. That _not right_ feeling that he had been trying to shrug off all morning was taking over again, overwhelming his senses. The nightmare image was filling up his whole head. 

Yuki moved towards him and he took a sudden jerky step back, eyes wide with horror. By some instinct he’d drawn his hands up to his face to cover his eyes but then had just as quickly dragged them down over his mouth instead. Though his lips were parted behind his trembling fingers, no sound escaped them.

Yuki froze in place and it was the way her eyebrows drew together over eyes filled with concern that finally grounded him a little. This was Yuki. Those eyes were unmistakable. It was really her.

But just an instant earlier he’d been so sure he’d seen... her face _twisted_ into something much crueller... red dripping from the fingers that reached out to him... an equally bloodstained smile. Flash of long silver hair. The choking scent of blossom.

Zero’s understanding of what was real and what were flashes of nightmare was slow and muddled. He stared unblinking into Yuki’s brown eyes.  Had they really been crimson just a minute ago? Vampire eyes like the ones in his dreams... they weren’t Yuki’s were they?

But... why shouldn’t they have been? Zero recalled the doubts he’d had about her last week and pushed away so easily. He remembered the sight of her smiling at him in the doorway with her brother glaring from behind her and the faint scent of blood between them. He remembered the arrogance of that man as he’d cornered Zero in the stables later. That was the world Yuki came from. She was not just any vampire: she was a pureblood.

 Like the woman who murdered his family.

Yuki’s mouth was moving again but Zero could not register what she was saying. He saw her body shift slightly and he stumbled back a little further. _Don’t touch me_ , he was trying to tell her. But he was not sure how much of it he was actually able to get out.

There had been a ringing in his ears that was now slowly clearing but his heartbeat did not seem to want to slow along with it. He sucked in a long deep breath and tried to focus. _Get out of here,_ was the only coherent thought he could muster. It was the only thought that wasn’t blood; gleaming eyes; nails tearing at flesh; bodies thudding to the floor – _shit_. He didn’t want to remember that. _Get out,_ he was internally screaming to himself. _Get out, get out._

He ran.

*

He was half way to the stables when he realised that that was the first place she would look for him. Zero did not want to be found by her or by anyone. Not when he was like this. He did not know what he would do if someone were to come near him now. Focusing just on running had helped somewhat to suppress the violent images invading his mind but now that he’d stopped, only long enough to consider where to go, he could feel the memory of that woman attacking his conscious mind in a way he hadn’t felt in months.

Zero’s eyes darted around until he saw the iron fence that marked the perimeter of Cross Academy. He did not hesitate for another second. He ran, jumped the fence easily and carried on into the trees without a pause.

*

In the kitchen, Yuki stood frozen in place. Zero had left so suddenly that it was difficult to actually process what had happened.

Zero had gone but the scent of his blood still hung in the air.

Yuki could not get the image of how he had looked at her out of her mind.

It was not long before Kaien burst into the room. “Yuki,” he said. His voice sounded a little distant to her. She was still trying to make sense of it all. “What was that? I heard something breaking.”

Yuki followed Kaien’s gaze to the kitchen window. There were long cracks running through each of the panes that had not been there earlier. Yuki had noticed that happen. Just as she had reached out for Zero, he’d backed away as though her touch might have burned him and she’d heard the sound of glass breaking. The look on his face had been terror.

Kaien was asking again, “What happened, Yuki?”

She blinked slowly at him. “I don’t know...” she tried to think. “Zero was bleeding and I – I don’t know. I don’t think I even moved but... it was difficult to compose myself so suddenly. I think I scared him. I don’t even know... he just looked so scared. And then he ran.”

Yuki’s chest was growing tight and she swallowed against the pain in her throat as tears began to form. Furiously, she wiped the wet from her eyes. She would not allow herself to cry when she had been the one to cause this. The situation was too urgent for tears.

“We have to go after him,” she said, her voice low and serious.

But Kaien gently took hold of her arm as she went to move past him. She looked up at his stern face. The rarely seen expression had the desired effect on Yuki and she stopped moving and listened to him speak, “Think about what you’re doing Yuki. Is that really a good idea?”

The words sank in and she realised the obvious answer was ‘no’. It wasn’t a good idea at all, because she was the one Zero had been trying to get away from. Yuki’s eyes were wide and distressed as she took a deep breath and then another and then shook her head. “But please... please find him. Please make sure that he’s okay.”

Kaien nodded. “Please stay here, Yuki. I’ll try to let you know what is going on as soon as I can.”

*

It was impossible for Zero to tell how long he had been running for before the trees began to grow thicker around him, the space between them filling up with low branches that Zero had to force his way past in order to keep moving. He made no effort to pace himself so his lungs were burning and his head was spinning, but at least like this he couldn’t think. He knew if he thought then bad things would happen. And he knew that he could not stop, that as long as he kept going whatever had attacked his mind back at the house would not be able to catch up.

But the longer Zero went on, the more difficult it was becoming. He had to fight to keep himself from looking around when he saw movement out of the corners of his eyes. It’s not real, he repeated to himself. There was an ache in his neck now, just under the skin. On the same side as his tattoo. He did not know when it had started. The scent of blossom was thick and it was making it hard to breathe. His foot slipped on the pine needles covering the slope he’d been trying to force his way up and when he fell, the thump of his body hitting the floor was punctuated by blood: the world stained red.

He did not try to get up. It was all he could do to press his hands to his face and try to block out the colour. It wasn’t any use. The nightmare had caught up with him.

_Are you scared?_   The whisper came from bloodstained lips. The sound of it filled his head. His tattoo burned. Zero cried out, but could do nothing to keep the nightmare at bay.

*

Yuki knew that there was no point in being angry at herself. It didn’t help anything and there was no way she could not have predicted Zero getting hurt like that. But she felt it anyway. She was furious at her reaction to his blood scent. She had never wanted him to see that. All she wanted, more than anything else it seemed, was for him to see her as a friend. Someone he could trust, not as... well, the look in his eye had said it all, hadn’t it? He’d looked at her as though she was a monster.

Her lip wobbled and she rubbed at her eyes again still trying not to cry. She could not be thinking about herself right now. There had been something really wrong with Zero’s reaction to her just then. Because he had not just been looking at her like she was a monster – at times it was though he was staring right though her. Like he was seeing something else entirely. What could he have been staring at that had scared him so?

And what could she possibly do about it here? Yuki knew she was of no use whatsoever and it was driving her mad. She knew that Kaien and Yagari were both out looking for him now. The Headmaster had returned a short while ago just long enough to tell her that there was no sign of Zero anywhere on school grounds as far as they could tell, so they had decided to look further afield. He once again declined Yuki’s offer to help: “Safer if you just wait here. I’m sorry Yuki, I really am.”

Yagari had had to get another teacher to cover his morning classes – exam classes, like the ones Zero should have been heading to at this time. After all the efforts that had been made to get Zero to show up to school over the past two weeks, one slip up from her had made sure he would miss two of his exams today.

Yuki could not even remember when she had last taken her blood tablets. How could she have been so careless? She knew how many more than usual she needed these days. She knew it and she’d been so caught up in reading that stupid book that she’d just let it completely slip her mind. And just what was wrong with her that she’d had that reaction over such a small amount of blood? Maybe she really _was_ a monster. Surely it was a monstrous thing to desire someone _that much_ that a small slip of the hand with a bread knife could turn into something like this.

 She wondered if it was hypocritical to think that way. If she was a monster for reacting to blood, then what was Zero, who had struggled so long against his own bloodlust? Zero was not something like that... he could never be. But this feeling: to want someone to the point of feeling that your veins are on fire for them every moment that they are near, to feel things Yuki was afraid to even acknowledge because she did not know where they came from. She had had no idea such a place existed in her heart.  Could Zero ever possibly feel like that? Or was it the dark desire of a pureblood? That which Zero could never truly know, but which he hated and feared above all else...

Yuki’s head sank into her hands. It didn’t matter. Monster or not, it was her fault and now all she could do was wait around until someone came back to tell her what was going on.

It was mid morning now. Usually she would have been in bed hours ago but there was no chance that she could sleep now. In the time she had been waiting, and just trying not to get too bogged down in her guilty thoughts, she had tried to tidy and perform any other small tasks that might make her feel even remotely useful. But her pace had been slow and distracted. She had stopped a great deal to stare out of the window, her eyes squinting painfully against even the dull overcast morning’s light, as if she was expecting Zero to return at any moment. Eventually the attempts to tidy deteriorated into flat out pacing. The minutes stretched out, long and torturous as she waited for Zero to come home.

*

It was only at the sound of a twig snapping somewhere further out in the woods that Zero realised everything had been still for some time. His eyes flickered from the spot on a nearby tree that he did not know how long he had been staring at. He could not see anything but trees from where he lay. Maybe the sound had been his imagination. After all, he was not doing too good of a job at telling it apart from reality today anyway.

But now reality seemed to be seeping back in. Slowly he was becoming aware of the side of his face pressed against the forest floor, of the cold that had set deep into his bones. He was shivering violently. His thoughts were in such a haze that he could not tell when the shivering had started. His eyes closed. And then snapped back open. The horrors inside of his mind weren’t done with him yet. There was something wrong with his chest because it was becoming increasingly difficult to breathe again. His body started to curl up, trying to find some warmth, but it seemed as though there was none to be had.

Zero’s hands started up towards his face, but stopped when he caught the scent of blood – his own. He could not remember how it got there. Was it real? He tried not to stare at the red staining his fingertips because seeing it was only making everything worse.

And he could hear something. A voice, calling to him. Zero knew that he needed to shut it out. He did not want to keep reliving the same awful taunts from that night - the way he had done all morning. Somehow he managed to move his bloodstained hands to press over his ears and it seemed to work. The voice became muffled.

It was only because he was so disoriented that it did not occur to him why covering his ears had worked to block out a voice from inside his head. Then he felt something latch onto his ankle and realised that it had not been inside his head at all.

Zero had fallen deep within the woods. The trees were so thick around him there was no room for him to even stand, so there certainly should not have been enough room for anything to sneak up on him unnoticed. But something had done exactly that – something, or _someone,_ who had made no efforts to be sneaky at all, who was singing and laughing manically and attempting to drag Zero down by his ankle back through the rough path he had cut through the trees.

At this sudden contact with his leg, Zero had lurched up as far as the broken branches above him would allow and now he was staring into a pair of crimson eyes.

Zero shook his head slowly then he blinked, trying to clear his vision. He had been seeing bloodthirsty eyes in his head for what could have been hours and his first horrified thought was that somehow his hallucinations had solidified and started to attack him for real. But, as he stared, the insane smile grew wider, showing more and more sharp pointed teeth. Zero took in the dirty pale skin of the vampire’s face and the wild and tangled black mess of the hair that surrounded it. He had never seen this vampire before in his life. Maybe he was hallucinating, but he wasn’t in any fit state to tell so he reached for the _Bloody Rose_ anyway...

But _Bloody Rose_ was not there; Zero was grasping only at his thin white school shirt. _Bloody Rose_ was still in its holster, sitting on top of the uniform he had not finished putting on back at the Academy. Zero’s stomach gave a sickly lurch.

The vampire, who was grinning at him from further down the slope Zero had collapsed upon, began to sing again, “Who are you, pretty boy? What are you doing all alone in the woods?” She laughed and the sound was shrill. She continued to pull at Zero’s ankle, trying to bring him closer to her. He tried to grab onto something to stop himself sliding further down the forest floor but he kept gripping at broken branches that only snapped and allowed him to be dragged further.

As Zero struggled the vampire went on, “It’s usually humans that I go for, you know... But I can’t tell you how hungry I am. And your blood just smells so _interesting!_ ” The last word was drawn out into song again.

Zero had managed to get hold of a branch that held against the mad vampire woman’s tugging and now, with what strength he could muster, he pulled back his free leg and then smashed a foot into her grinning face. It might have just been adrenaline, but despite his frozen body, Zero seemed to have held onto more strength than he had realised and the vampire shrieked as she flew back. Her body smashed through more branches as it went, clearing more space through the trees, until finally her back slammed against the trunk of one near the bottom of the slope. She slid to the ground and then fell forward. But she did not stay down for more than a few seconds and was soon hissing as she shakily pushed herself up again.

Zero was finally able to pull himself up into a sitting position. Breathing hard, he glared at the vampire. Silently he cursed himself for running out into the woods without his gun. How satisfying it would have been to pull the trigger on this vile creature in front of him. Now he had something like adrenaline and the desire to fight coursing through him. Even through the cold, his body was burning up suddenly with the feel of it.

The vampire rose to her feet and stumbled forward. Zero’s lips drew back over clenched teeth, baring his fangs at her. But the woman just gave another disturbing shriek of a laugh.

“You want to fight, pretty one?” she cackled. “Yes, let’s fight – and then the winner will taste blood.” Her wild grin widened in anticipation and her crimson eyes gleamed as she added, “I’d like to taste your pretty blood.”

Zero wanted nothing to do with her disgusting blood but, even without _Bloody Rose,_ there was still no chance that this vampire would taste his.

Without warning the vampire woman lurched forwards, claw-like hands reaching out towards him. Zero was still tangled up amongst the low branches of the trees and could only manage to throw up an arm in defence. It all happened so quickly that it took a moment to register when the woman stopped in her advance a mere foot in front of him. But even as his eyes took in the sight, his mind struggled to make sense of it.

Somehow, inexplicably, there were now thorny vines winding around his arm, tearing out through his shirt, and extending beyond the reach of his arm to wrap around the arm of the vampire woman before him. Zero was nearly as stunned by it as she was, but that unusual adrenaline inside him was telling him that somehow this was natural. So even without thinking he knew what to do: with just the slightest movement from him, the vines tightened around the vampire’s arm and kept tightening until it exploded in a cloud of dust.

The vampire screamed in pain and horror as blood gushed from the wound. Now that the vines were loose they whipped around, out of control. Somehow they managed to even crush several of the nearby trees with their power. Zero felt a strange and sickly sort of awe as he watched it happen. He couldn’t say how he was doing it – this had never happened before.

Now, amongst all the wreckage there was more room to move and Zero finally got to his feet. The vampire was wailing and clutching at the bloody stump at her shoulder. Zero watched her, feeling the hunter’s urge to kill bubble inside him, further fuelled, perhaps, by his vampire attraction to freshly spilled blood. He barely even felt himself slipping away this time.

He gave a small smirk as he spoke to the vampire for the first time since she’d appeared. “You definitely chose the wrong person to pick a fight with today.”

This time when he lashed out, he aimed for the heart.

*

With no living target left among the debris of the fight, the vines began to retreat. But Zero’s blood was still boiling. He didn’t know how it was possible after lying for hours in the winter cold with not a single extra layer over his school shirt.

Zero was filled now, not with satisfaction at the kill, but with frustration that there were not more vampires nearby to destroy. The forest was still for as far around as he could see. It was just him now...

The vines were winding back towards him; their movement cutting painfully through his skin. Maybe they were angry that there was nothing left to kill and were taking it out on Zero. Possibly he deserved it... He could not tell where the killing urge began and ended. Was it coming from this new power, or was it something more deeply rooted inside of him? Something that had been there for a long time... At this moment he was overflowing with it. It was both disgusting and irresistible. Zero was not sure if he had ever felt more vampire-like in his life.

The vines lurched in his arm, making him cry out suddenly. He fell to his knees. His shirt was torn at the sleeve so that he could see how those vines were not just winding around him but also moving in a sickening way underneath his skin. He clutched at the affected arm with his other hand and the thorns cut into his skin, but he didn’t care. He just wanted it to stop.

He closed his eyes and a voice sounded in his head once more, ‘ _Are you suffering, young hunter?’_

The thorny vines gave another lurch, tearing though his skin. Zero cried out again in pain. Shizuka’s laugh rang through his head again while the place where she’d bitten him began to throb once more.

‘ _Good.’_

*

There were familiar voices sounding above him as Zero was dragged back from the merciful blackness he’d slipped into at some unknown point. He felt a hand on his shoulder and then someone spoke again, “He’s frozen – his skin is like ice.”

“Is he wounded?”

Zero felt the hand from his shoulder go to his shirt collar and gently pull it aside to examine his neck. “I don’t think so. Whatever might have been there seems to have healed. And it doesn’t look like there’s been much blood loss.”

Zero’s eyes opened just a little but he made no effort to move beyond that.

“Zero, what happened?” It was Kaien. He was kneeling over Zero, looking very alarmed.

Zero could not find it in him to muster a reply. His gaze just slid back out to the woods, eyes blank and staring. He dimly registered some movement in his peripheral vision and then felt something soft go over his shoulders.

“Can you sit up?”  Again, Zero gave no response. “I think we’re going to have to carry him.”

He heard Yagari grunt an affirmation then say, “Let’s do it. We need to get him inside.”

Zero made no protest as between the two of them they pulled him up onto his feet. The soft fabric that had been placed over him had slipped away in the process, so Kaien picked it up and rearranged it back around Zero’s shoulders. It felt warm compared to the thin fabric of his shirt, but it did nothing to improve the chill that had settled deep inside him.

“Can you walk?” Kaien asked.

On his own, Zero didn’t think so but Yagari was at his side, supporting his weight, so he tried a step. When his legs did not buckle under him he managed another and they started back towards the Academy.

*

The second she heard the three of them arrive, Yuki was on her feet, rushing towards the front door. But once it opened and she saw Zero she froze right where she was.

He was half draped over Yagari, his eyes fixed on the floor and shadowed by his silver hair. His clothes were torn and dirty. She could smell blood on him, but the copious tablets she’d swallowed earlier while waiting for him helped to keep her reaction to that in check this time.

Yuki did not know what she had expected after Zero had disappeared for such a long time, but this made her feel ill - more so than she already was. But she was only allowed a few seconds to stare in horror at the sight of Zero so dishevelled and fragile, before Kaien was giving her instructions.

“Yuki, we need to start warming him up right away. Could you please make some sweet tea and bring it into the living room?”

Yuki stared for just a second longer then nodded vigorously and ran to do as she was told. From outside the kitchen, she could hear the Headmaster asking Yagari to build a fire.

In the kitchen, Yuki filled the kettle and set it to boil. Then she grabbed the pot and began to fill the filter with enough leaves to make tea for the three of them. For once, Yuki did not want any. She’d had enough already, trying to calm her nerves while she waited. 

Once she had gathered some mugs onto a tray with the sugar bowl and a small jug of milk, she just leaned against the counter, waiting for the water to boil. She could not stop herself seeing Zero’s blank stare in her mind. Was this really her fault? She could not get rid of the sick feeling in her stomach and if she had thought the anxiety she’d felt while waiting for him would lift once he returned then she was sorely mistaken. It churned inside her still, as her mind raced through possibilities of what could have been going through his head as he ran earlier – and what could have happened in the few hours he’d been away for him to return in such a state? But hard as she thought, none of it was making sense to her and by the time the kettle screeched at her that the water was ready she had reached no conclusions.

Her expression was grim as she filled the teapot, picked up the heavy tray and brought it through to the living room, where Yagari was just managing to get a fire going. Kaien and Zero had not come through yet. Yuki sat the tray down carefully onto the coffee table.

“Cross is just cleaning him up,” Yagari told her. There was no friendliness or reassurance in the way he spoke. He did not even bother to look her way. He had finished with the fire now and was fishing a cigarette out from his jacket pocket. He went on speaking in that same stern grumble, “Getting him some warm clothes...  It would probably be best if you weren’t here when they’re done.”

Yuki felt a stab of anger at his words and she glared at him as he lit his cigarette and blew out the first puff of smoke. But her anger died down just as quickly as it had flared up, because of course this time he was right. All the evidence suggested that Zero had been running from her. And if she really was the reason for all of this, then the most helpful thing she could do at this point was to stand back and let Kaien and Yagari take care of him.

Yuki wanted to say something: ‘ _tell him I’m sorry_ ,’ maybe. But that was selfish of her. She did not even really know what she was apologising for, not fully. And the chances of it being something he’d even remotely want to hear were practically nothing, she figured.

So she said nothing, turned and left the room. She fought back her tears until she was safely in her bed with the covers pulled up over her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Please let me know if you liked it <3
> 
> (Chapter title from Touch by Daughter)


	28. I might be leaving soon

_ I might be leaving soon _

Yuki did not see Zero at all the next night. She could sense that he was in his room, but he seemed to have no interest in reassuring her about the strange incident from that morning.

She talked to Kaien but he had very little to relay back to her. Zero had been unwilling to speak about it. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him like this,” Kaien sighed. “I think you were right... we were overworking him, pushing him too far.”

Yuki shook her head because she knew whose fault it was really. She’d been there when it started – she’d been the only other person around. So she was the only one besides Zero who could know who was truly to blame. But she did not need to say any of this for Kaien to know what she was thinking. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Yuki, no, there is no reason for you to blame yourself. Zero is keeping so much to himself that we cannot know what really happened unless he decides to tell us.”

There was no point in arguing with him. They’d had this conversation before and Kaien never wanted to point fingers. That was just how he was. But Yuki knew the truth – she couldn’t get it out of her head.

The rest of the week passed and very little seemed to change besides Yuki’s growing anxiety. The timing was fortunate for Zero in that Cross Academy’s winter break had now arrived and Zero was finally given the chance to get some proper rest. It was unfortunate for Yuki, however, because it meant that Yori had gone home to her family and Yuki was suddenly left feeling very lonely indeed.

Zero kept to his room as much as possible. For all Yuki knew, he could have finally learned to stick to a normal sleeping pattern and started only going out during the day. She didn’t really think that was the case but she had no way of knowing; she rarely heard a peep from him. He no longer showed up at mealtimes. Kaien brought Zero’s food to him in his room and she heard him sometimes trying to persuade Zero to eat. But only occasionally would the plates come back to the kitchen looking anything even close to empty. He had been doing so well before but now that his old habits had returned, it seemed they were worse than ever.

Yuki’s insides were permanently heavy now with the guilt she felt. She could not stop herself from going over that morning in the Headmaster’s kitchen again and again in head. She tried to think of anything she might have missed, hoping that by doing so she might come up with some way to put things right. It was difficult not to let her imagination get carried away with her as she worried. Only some of her theories seemed truly likely. One thing that occurred to her – which might explain, at least in part, why Zero’s will to look after himself was declining so rapidly – was the realisation that he had not fed on blood for nearly a month now.

The time had gone by so fast, so many days spent with Zero, thinking things were getting better – it had seemed like no time at all. Zero was already so used to holding back his thirst that he could be very good at hiding it when he needed to. Now that Yuki thought about it, it seemed likely that it was part of the problem.

It was normal for vampires to stretch out the time between feeding, and the development of blood tablets had made this even easier for most. Yuki had become an unusual case lately, sometimes only managing to make it hours between doses. But before this longing for Zero had brought that about – back when she lived at the Kuran manor with Kaname – she would feed from him maybe once or twice a week and then simply wait it out when he was not around.

Zero, like many other former humans, could not stomach blood tablets. And now that Yuki thought about it, for someone with his condition, a month was a very long time to go without feeding. Yuki wondered how she could have overlooked what would happen when Zero began to get thirsty again. It had been such a dire situation when she’d forced her blood on him the first time. She was uncomfortable with the thought of waiting until similar circumstances arose and having to do the same again.

Maybe, the way things had been heading before Zero had run away from her, it would have happened naturally in time. Perhaps the two of them would have grown close enough that he would have learned to take her blood willingly when asked, or even to ask for it himself when he needed to. Maybe, in some other universe, things could have been simple in that way. But the way things had turned lately... Yuki did not think Zero would go anywhere near her now, given the choice.

She tried dreaming up other reasons for Zero’s behaviour. She considered the idea that Zero was simply too unwell to come out and see her, that maybe asking for her required a certain sort of bravery that was not quite his speciality – or that he had so many things on his mind that maybe in this instance she needed to be the one to seek him out. Maybe all they needed was to talk it out and things would go back to normal soon enough. But she could not quite bring herself to believe it.

In the first few days after that awful incident, Yuki found herself hovering in front of Zero’s bedroom, door on several occasions. Sometimes on her way elsewhere in the house, other times she went there and just waited until her courage inevitably failed her and she went back to her own room. Though she always knew Zero was there, she never heard him make a sound – at least not until the last time she tried it.

It was one of the times that she had stepped up to his door with intent. Once, again she found herself just standing there, staring at the wooden door. Her fingers were drawn up into a fist, but her hand hung still at her side. There was no evidence of movement from within the room but she could feel Zero there somewhere on the other side of the door. The feeling she got from him was a dark one, same as every time she had stood here, wishing that she could make herself knock. She just needed to move her arm – such a simple gesture – just one light knock. And then one simple question: ‘ _Zero, can we talk... please?’_

But her arm only tensed up. Her mouth opened but no sound came out. It closed again and her lips pressed together into a thin line. She noticed the wet, sticky feeling in her hand and smelled the blood there, before she even realised that her own fingernails were cutting into the skin of her palm. She watched with a distant sort of surprise as the few fist droplets fell to stain the carpet below her.

And then she heard the noise from inside Zero’s room: glass cracking.

After that, a slow inhale – exhale. Then, “Get away.” It was said quietly, muffled by the door between them, but somehow the force behind the words was deadly.

Yuki paused only to wipe away the few tears that had formed in her eyes, and then she turned and hurried away.

*

After those first few days, Zero started leaving his room again. And then if there had been any doubts left after the incident outside his bedroom door that Zero was purposely avoiding Yuki, then this was finally enough to put them to rest. Zero seemed to be making every effort to only go out when Yuki was nowhere near enough to intercept him. Only occasionally would she see him – a gleam of silver hair, the billowing of his grey coat as he walked – just out of the corner of her eye, and then gone as the front door closed behind him.

Yuki would not follow. Zero’s message had been received loud and clear: get away. _Stay_ away.

 The only exception to this was late on the first night after he’d told her to get away from his room. Yuki heard shouting from the kitchen that night. At first, she was stunned by it because, other than those two low spoken words yesterday, she had not heard Zero speak in days. But she could hear him from several rooms away now. And though she knew she should stay out of it, she just couldn’t bring herself to ignore the situation. And so, she followed the sound of the shouting and watched from the kitchen doorway as Kaien tried to reason with Zero. She stopped where she was as the Headmaster came into view. She wanted to see Zero – badly. But as with yesterday, in front of his door, she simply could not make herself move any further.

Kaien’s voice low and serious, “What did you expect after the other day, Zero? If you keep refusing to tell me what happened when you were out in the woods, then all I can do is assume the worst. Why would I let you keep a weapon that can seriously hurt you when that’s the case?”

It did not take much more than that for Yuki to pick up on the reason for Zero’s sudden fury.

“I already told you that you have nothing to worry about,” Zero spoke more quietly than before, but it was evident in his tone that it was taking a lot of effort to hold back the rage he was feeling. “I’m not looking to off myself, I just want what belongs to me. You had no right to take _Bloody Rose_ without my knowledge!”

Considering the nature of the conversation, Yuki thought that Kaien looked impressively calm as he spoke again, “As your guardian, I’m afraid I have to disagree with you on that. And while you’re currently taking time away from the Hunter’s Association I don’t think there’s any reason for you to need it.”

Zero let out a bitter laugh. “‘Time away’... you talk like I was given a choice in that. So, what? Am I supposed to not do any training until they want me back – _if_ they ever do?”

“Not for now, no...”

“Why the _fuck_ not?”

Kaien began to massage his forehead with his fingertips and Yuki could see the cracks in his calm exterior now. He was worried about Zero, and not entirely confident in his ability to deal with the situation without somehow making it worse. It was strange to see him looking suddenly so stressed. But Yuki could see where he was coming from and why he was reluctant to spell things out clearly to Zero. She would not have wanted to say it out loud to him either. After everything that she’d heard from Yori all those months ago – about the time he’d not shown up for prefect duties and she had gone to find him in his room – and that devastating story she’d heard from Yagari more recently, Yuki knew what the risk was.  It was no wonder to her why Kaien did not want to take it with Zero.

“Zero...” Kaien said evenly, “I’m only trying to help. And I’m also making an effort to be patient. It would be good if you could try to do the same.”

“It’s difficult when I’m so fucking sick of being told what’s best for me all the goddamn time! And taking away my best way of blowing off steam and then telling me to calm down about it afterwards? What a fucking joke! What part of this is supposed to be helping?”

“You want to practice shooting with the _Bloody Rose_? Right now? I’m sorry Zero, but I just don’t think it’s a good idea. There must be something else you can do to help you feel better. Why don’t you spend some time with–”

“Don’t you dare... Don’t even _think_ of finishing that sentence.”

Yuki did not have to catch the way Kaien’s eyes flickered briefly over to where she stood, near the doorway, for her to understand what he’d been about to say. She wished he hadn’t gone there, that he had not been so sure of his insistence that Yuki had done nothing she could be blamed for that day. Then she would not have had to hear Zero response. The words cut her, all the more painful for how she hadn’t been ready for them this time. She should go. Though she could not see Zero from where she stood, she was not hidden. Zero would be completely aware of her presence. So she should go, get out of his way, if she was bothering him so much.

But she couldn’t. She was frozen in place, head bowed, clutching at her aching chest, where implication of the words Zero just spoke had hit hardest. She should not have been surprised by it really. She just had not been expecting to be brought into this particular conversation.

Suddenly Zero spoke again, saving her from having to remove herself from the situation. He lowered his voice and spat, “I’m done. I can’t listen to this shit anymore.” At this point he finally came into view. His eyes met Yuki’s for no more than a second but even that was enough to burn her. Then he was out the door, passing Yuki as quickly as he could manage without having to run. A few seconds later she heard the front door slam.

“I’m sorry.”  Kaien was approaching her now, his expression full of regret as he took in the look on Yuki’s face. “I didn’t think he would be...” Kaien shook his head deciding not to finish the sentence. Yuki was glad not to hear it. It had already been obvious that he hadn’t believed Zero was really that angry at her.

Yuki dropped her eyes to the floor. “You took Zero’s gun away...” she murmured, “I think that was a good idea.”

Kaien made a noise of agreement then added, “That discussion just then was far from pleasant, but I’m relieved it only happened now... I took the _Bloody Rose_ after bringing Zero back from the woods that day. I think it’s a good sign that it took him this long to notice it was gone.”

“Yeah... you’re right, I think.” And it _was_ good that Zero had not been thinking about wanting to use the _Bloody Rose..._ but just what _had_ he been doing during that time? She had barely heard a sound from him for days. What had he been thinking about?

“Yuki you look so down... I’m sorry that this is getting to you so much. Why don’t we go and find something to do to take your mind off things, hmm?”

“No, that’s...”

“I won’t take no for an answer. Zero refuses point blank to let me help him, but I won’t let you get away with the same. Besides, who else will help me eat the cookies I baked today?”

Yuki’s lips quirked a little. True, she wasn’t quite in the mood for whatever Kaien might have in mind to lift her spirits, but this was hard on him too. She didn’t want to add to his worries if she could help it. Besides, who was she to turn down the offer of cookies? Even if they _had_ been crafted by a rather dubious baker.

“Okay,” she agreed, “But let’s just watch a film or something. I don’t think I’m in the mood for anything much more adventurous than that.”

Lately Yuki had taken to spending a lot more time with Kaien. With it being the school holidays he did not have as much work to do as usual. It was a good thing for Yuki’s low spirits. Kaien was an odd person to pass the time with, Yuki thought, but they had fun together… to a certain extent…

Sometimes they would go for walks. Kaien would take his camera and they’d head off into the woods in search of something exciting. Whatever the exciting thing might be, he could not say, but they would know when they saw it. Unfortunately, the most exciting part would usually be when the last of the daylight was completely gone and the two realised that they were completely lost – and, yes, somehow this did happen on more than one occasion. They’d make it back to the house at some absurd hour and there would just be time for a hot chocolate before Kaien would decide it was time he went to bed.

Other nights were slightly less thrilling... Yuki might get out whatever knitting project she was working on and Kaien would try to teach her what he knew about various stitches. As with the walks, things did not always go to plan and Yuki began to wonder if she was benefiting at all from having a tutor when it came to knitting. She suspected she might get further by teaching herself.

Friday night was jigsaw night. Yuki and Kaien were set up at the dining room table and the picture on the box in front of them featured about five kittens and a lot of wool. Yuki felt as though she was on a roll with her corner section. Just one more piece and she’d have a the fully formed face of a fluffy black kitten simpering up at her. She scanned the tabletop were all the pieces were scattered. There were quite a lot to sort through but after a minute of searching she finally spotted one that looked as though it could be the piece she needed. She reached out and, just as she grabbed it, she saw movement in her peripheral vision; that familiar blur of pale skin and silvery hair.

Her eyes flickered so quickly to the open door leading out to the hall, but she only caught the movement of Zero’s long coat as he hurried past. The scent of him wafted in on the air and she did not know if it was that which made her throat ache now or if it was simply the feeling of holding back her tears.

Yuki’s eyes dropped to the table. The jigsaw piece was still clutched in her hand but she made no move to fit it to the rest of her section.

“Yuki?”

She did not answer Kaien at first. She kept her eyes on the table but the jigsaw pieces were turning to coloured blurs in front of her. She wanted to make the sandpaper ache in her throat go away but of course focusing on it was only making it worse. She heard Kaien say her name again and slowly she looked up. She realised that the small cardboard piece in her hand was becoming crumpled so she dropped it. “Sorry,” she muttered.

Kaien paid no attention to that. He was looking at her sympathetically, silently telling her that he was listening, if she wanted to talk.  

Yuki said something that she had been considering for a couple of days now, a grim thought that had settled itself down in her head, heavy and unwilling to budge, “I’ve been thinking that maybe I should go home.”

Kaien’s look of sympathy turned into a frown. “Is that what you want?”

Yuki turned away from him again and then, after a moment, she shook her head. “No... I don’t _want_ that, but... Zero doesn’t want me here.” She swallowed painfully, and then went on in a sad, quiet voice, “This is his home more than mine so it’s really not fair that I’m here when it’s causing him so much trouble.”

“Yuki, no...” came Kaien’s soft reply. “If you want to think of this place as a home then you are welcome to...  I’m certain that you and Zero will work things out eventually. So don’t let this recent upset make you think you can’t stay if you want to.”

“I...” Yuki was staring at the crumpled jigsaw piece as she tried to summon the words for what she wanted to say. She was smoothing it out with her fingers, trying to get it to lie flat again. “I always believed that... I thought... Zero just needed time; that eventually he would see that I could never want to hurt him. We’ve been through so much together already...” Yuki’s voice sounded so small. These words, these thoughts, they had crawled out from some dark space in her head and she had found herself able to think of little else since. They had spread over the course of the week until nearly all her thoughts were bleak gloomy things. Kaien’s distractions had worked to an extent but... it was getting too much, it really was. “It’s starting to seem like no matter how far I think we’ve progressed, I always end up making him suffer.”

Yuki watched as one, and then another clear droplet fell from her cheek and landed on the table next to her small fist. Kaien reached over then and she felt the warm rough skin of his hand go around hers.

He told her, “It has been an awfully long time since I have seen Zero as close with another person as I’ve seen him with you. This is a setback, Yuki. Zero is trying to find his way out of something extremely difficult. He cannot be expected not to stumble a few times along the way. The most important thing for you to think about now, is what you want for yourself. You mustn’t let others choose for you.”

“But...” Yuki hesitated. She felt so, so uncertain about verbalising the question that had come to her head. And possibly she should have just kept it to herself but Kaien was being so straightforward with her. It made her wonder if it was okay for her to do the same. Besides, she was lost, and Kaien’s directions so far were only leading her to a dead end. “But,” she said the words so very quietly, “What if it’s him? What if Zero is what I want?” Yuki’s face was heating up and she could not bring herself to look at the Headmaster. “I can’t possibly control the situation, nor would I want to if I could, so what could I possibly do for myself if that’s the case?”

Kaien sighed and Yuki still did not look up at him. Her face was burning crimson, but he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze and then let go. She heard him lean back in his chair.

After a moment, he said, “I don’t think I can answer that for you. But I wonder if perhaps I asked you the wrong question in the first place. Perhaps I should have asked what you feel you _need_ the most, because if you are honest with yourself then the answer will be different. There’s no need to have that answer ready now. But think about it Yuki, because it’s important – just as important as what Zero needs, or Kaname, or anyone else who is important to you.”

As he spoke and Yuki realised that he had taken her question seriously, rather than choosing to tease her about it, she finally looked up at Kaien’s face. He was smiling gently back at her.

Yuki did not answer him. She wondered what it was she might need that she could realistically have. And then she wondered how she could possibly think of herself when Zero was so troubled, when she was so scared of what might happen to him.

When Yuki stayed quiet, Kaien went on talking, “Whatever you decide to do next is up to you. But please think it through carefully.  I wouldn’t want you to rush into a decision you might end up regretting just because things are feeling a little hopeless right now.”

As she looked at him Yuki felt a slow warmth swell inside her and, while it wasn’t quite enough to banish the murk of her recent thoughts, it brought a grateful smile to her tearstained face. She was glad she had told Kaien her worries. Sometimes – certainly not always – but sometimes, he knew exactly the right thing to say. And this past week, he’d really been there for her when she had needed it. Yuki could not say how much that meant to her.

“Thank you, Headmaster. I don’t know what I’ll do next but, after everything... You’re right. I can’t give up so quickly... I can’t run away just yet.”

*

Zero walked with his head down and his hands shoved into his pockets against the cold. The academy grounds were quiet and empty, as per usual for this time of night. Tonight was a little darker, perhaps, than usual. With the students away for the school holidays there were no lights on in the dorms and there was a stillness about the place that Zero sort of liked. He felt it had been a good decision to come out tonight, though he was not entirely sure why he felt this way. He was not really in the best headspace lately to be analysing his thoughts too much.  In any case, being outside was a lot better than stewing in his room like he had been doing for most of the week.

It had not taken Zero long to recover physically from the events of last week. After a couple of hours next to the fire his body had been more or less back to normal. As a vampire, he was not at risk of succumbing to illness so it had only been a matter of warming up after being exposed to the cold for so long. After that he had just been tired. It had taken a lot to make himself move from his spot beside the fire to the privacy of his own room. Perhaps the only thing that had made him do so was the prospect of the questions he would eventually be expected to answer and, though he did really want to admit to it, the fear of what would happen when he saw _her_ again.

This fear was not that wild terror that sent him running from her that morning. It was something closer to a muted, yet nauseating, apprehension. The worst of it wore away soon enough, but the thing left behind in its place was no more pleasant. He could already feel her around nearby, with that elevated awareness to the presence of others that vampires and most hunters possessed. He could feel her... so much. Every day. The scent of her was all over the house. There may have been a lot more than that to this suffocating feeling he was dealing with, but it was adding to the load.

One day she had bled in front of him. There had been a closed door between them at the time but he could smell it all the same. Did she mean to lure him out this way? Zero could not tell which anger was greater: that at her audacity, or at the temptation it sparked in him – the burning feel of it.

It might have been that which got him out of the house in the following days. As if anger were the fuel to finally propel him from the miserable hole he had climbed into after that day the woods.

The cold air soothed. It coaxed the burning into something more manageable. Funny how they had talked a little less than two weeks ago, about his future, as though he had been saved. Zero had not realised then that they had been talking about selling his soul – whatever was left of it. But she had said those very words the night he’d drank from her, hadn’t she?

‘ _Live on as a vampire..._ ’

Was that what he had been doing? Had he agreed to that at some point? Wouldn’t he rather die?

Zero’s hands shook a little with disgust at the thought and he drew them tighter into his coat pockets. He looked out into the black of the trees beyond the Academy grounds. He felt the call of those woods. Maybe tonight he’d find what he was looking for...

As he approached the Academy gates, Zero almost didn’t notice the figure waiting for him in the shadows there. It was just as he caught the familiar scent of Yagari’s cigarette smoke that the hunter stepped forward, placing himself between Zero and his destination.

Zero stared, wondering how it had become so easy lately for people to sneak up on him. He was getting almost as bad as – he exhaled slowly and gritted his teeth as he pushed that thought away. After a few seconds he asked, “What are you doing here, Master?”

Yagari eyed Zero sternly before he answered, “Pretty much just waiting to ask you the same question. You know, since you’re the one who’s developed a habit of sneaking out into the woods at night.”

Yagari took a drag of his cigarette, giving Zero his chance to respond to that statement. But by the time he tossed what was left of it to the ground and exhaled a cloud of smoke Zero had still not said a word. “It’s a strange new pastime you’ve picked up, with all that’s happened lately,” Yagari went on. “You want to explain just what exactly you’ve been doing out there?”

He did not take his eye off Zero for a second, but Zero met the stare head on, giving not so much as a twitch to betray whatever he might be feeling as he answered, “Just walking.”

Yagari’s expression soured. “Bullshit.”

Zero said nothing. He had not come here to argue with his teacher. He didn’t want to talk at all. This thing that was eating him up inside would not be released by talking.

“Try again, Zero.”

The command was harsh and Zero tried to keep his face impassive in response to it, but it was becoming more difficult not to let his anger show. “I gave you my answer.”

“And I told you I’m not buying it.” When again Zero just stared silently back at him, Yagari became exasperated and said, “Well fine, if you’re not going to tell me now then you can just turn back around and go back to the house. You’re done out here for tonight.”

But Zero was rooted to the spot. His mask was beginning to crack, his rage starting to show through from underneath. No way was he going back in there like this.

“Are you serious?” Yagari barked. “You think that after everything that happened last week Cross and I would be even remotely okay with you leaving school grounds at night for no reason?”

Zero’s glare turned defiant. “There’s no need for you to worry about last week. I’m fine,” he spat the words.

In answer to that Yagari looked him up and down. There was nothing in his expression to suggest that he believed Zero one bit. “Yeah?” he said, “Maybe that’s the case... would be a bit easier to believe it if you’d tell us what happened back then. But say it’s true, that whatever went wrong that day was a one off and you really are _fine_ \- I’ve still seen no evidence to show that you plan to keep yourself that way.”

“Enough with the fucking suicide watch,” Zero snarled, “It isn’t necessary.”

Yagari just gave him a stony look. “Go back inside, Zero.”

Zero glowered at his teacher. He felt an increasingly familiar heat surge within him and he suddenly felt he had to turn away to keep it from getting the better of him. He spun around to face in the direction of the Headmaster’s residence and made several angry strides in its direction, and then he stopped. He wanted to scream. He wanted to rage. He wanted to shoot something – to find one of those vile creatures he hated so much and turn it to dust. But none of that was happening.

Zero closed his eyes and took a few long, steadying breaths. Then he spoke, “When I was out there that day... I was attacked. By a level E.”

The words were barely out of his mouth before he heard the heavy footfalls of Yagari’s approach and then felt a hand grab his shoulder and roughly turn him around. Yagari glared furiously down at him. “You didn’t think this was something you should have told us earlier?”

Zero jerked his shoulder free from Yagari’s hold but did not answer him. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to get the rest of the story out if he allowed himself to be distracted. “I didn’t have _Bloody Rose_ with me. I don’t know how I did it, but I killed that vampire without even needing a weapon. It was easy... somehow my powers have grown recently without me even realising... But now I’m so aware of them I can hardly bring myself to concentrate on anything else. Even now, I can feel them... I can’t seem to calm down from it.”

He saw Yagari adding it all up in his head. “So what? You decided to start stalking the woods at night, looking for vampires to kill? Are you an idiot? You’ve worked for the association, you know what the rules are. You can’t just go around killing vampires when you feel like it. You have to work from a list, and right now you don’t have access to that list because no one knows if you’re even well enough to be a hunter at all!”

He had been expecting the lecture, unnecessary though it was. Zero was well aware of all this, but it was difficult to give a shit about any of it when the alternative felt so much like boiling alive from the inside.

“Your _Bloody Rose_ gun – do you have it? Did that moron of a headmaster give it back to you already?”

Zero felt his anger flare up once more at the mention of the gun. “No,” he ground out, “He didn’t.”

Now Yagari’s fury was nearly equal to his own. “Then what the hell were you thinking? Going out there unarmed and looking for trouble. Do you even know how to control these new powers of yours? _Idiot_ – I can’t even begin to describe how stupid that is!”

“So _what_ if it was stupid?” The words that flew out of Zero’s mouth were the loudest he’d spoken all night. Perhaps it was the reminder of his fight with Kaien earlier in the week, or it could have just been Yagari’s anger, pushing him further until he could no longer stop his most furious and miserable thoughts from pouring out of him, “You- you and the Headmaster might want to close your eyes and pretend that it never happened, but you _know_ what I did to recover after that last hunt I went on. It’s the only reason I’m not at Level E already – the only reason you’ve not had to kill me yourself. And it means that whatever’s left of my life is dependent on _her_ now. So what does it even fucking matter? It’s not worth you or anyone else worrying about it. So just give the hell up already and save yourself the trouble.”

As soon as the words were out, Zero closed his eyes, not wanting to see his master’s face as he took it all in. The yelling helped a little, he supposed, but that didn’t stop the feeling that he just wished he’d kept his mouth shut all together. He hadn’t meant to let all that out. Yagari hadn’t needed to know about it.

A long moment passed in silence and then Zero heard Yagari mutter, “How long am I supposed to wait before you stop believing that shit? Because I’m sure as hell not buying it.”

Zero opened his eyes. Yagari had stepped back and was now rummaging around in his pockets. A second later he pulled out a cigarette and lighter. He placed the former between his lips, lit it and after a moment the scent of tobacco smoke filled the air. Yagari kept his eye fixed on Zero’s face as he took a drag, then he lowered the cigarette from his mouth, exhaled and said, “I might be more willing to believe you if it weren’t for that anger. That shows me part of you is still fighting – though you’d do a better job with it if you weren’t turning it on yourself like that.”

“What do you think I’ve been trying to do?” Zero raged. “And what the hell do you expect me to do with this feeling when you don’t want me out here? The Headmaster doesn’t even want me doing shooting practice. So, tell me, what am I _supposed_ to do?”

“We’ll figure something out.”

Zero looked disbelieving. “You really think that’s a good enough answer?”

“It’ll have to be, because I’m not letting you past this gate tonight. End of story.”

Zero had no retort that did not involve completely blowing up at his master. So he stayed silent, but his eyes blazed at Yagari. Zero had never been so furious with him. Yagari seemed fairly annoyed himself, but was managing to keep it in check better than Zero was. He was staring back at him evenly as he took another drag of his cigarette and then flicked some of the ash onto the floor. Then he broke the tense silence that had formed between them, “Zero,” he said, “Those past nights you’ve been out here – did you find anything?”

Zero exhaled slowly, as if to calm himself before he spoke, but his answer still came out a little sharp, “Nothing.”

“Good,” Yagari grunted, “Now get back inside before you do something really idiotic.”

Zero stared at him. They were done with the conversation? Just like that?

Suddenly he realised that there was something he wanted to say to his teacher. The solution was obvious really: “I want to start working with the association again,” Zero told him.

Yagari gave him a blank look. “And what use is a job as a hunter to someone who wants to give up on everything?”

“I didn’t say it was me who needed to give up,” Zero grumbled. “Just because I know I’m fucked doesn’t mean I want to sit around doing nothing while I wait for the end. Let me at least make myself useful for a while.”

“It’s a possibility,” Yagari said, tossing his cigarette away. “But there’s not much point in even thinking about it unless you’re willing to make some steps towards getting better.”

They were going around in circles, Zero thought in exasperation. Just how was Yagari expecting him to do that?  The very thing Zero was asking for now was the only path he could see through to that place. Because perhaps by fighting Level Es – by destroying those gruesome beasts foreshadowing what was to come for him if he did not ‘get better’ – perhaps he might be able to figure out how to actually do it.

Yagari did not want to stand in Zero’s way. Even through his intense frustration, Zero could see that. He was just trying to be logical – thinking about it from the perspective of the association. They would not want to employ a hunter who could so easily become a liability during missions. Zero could fight, he had no doubt that he could take down any rogue vampire who might come at him. But he was also very aware now of how easily things could go wrong in other ways. The memory of the evening of his last hunt, when he’d found that girl bleeding in the woods, was never going to leave him, he was sure of it. The way he’d felt then... she’d lost so much blood. There had barely been any life left in her, but he’d wanted it anyway. There had been something inside him that night that wanted him to take what he could of the life streaming from the wound at that girl’s neck. And when he’d resisted it had hurt. So much that he’d thought he might die. And he’d almost been ready for it...

What if he had just ended it back then... before Yuki had come along and forced him into the only other option...?

“Zero?”

Zero dodged the hand coming to land on his shoulder, realising suddenly just how lost in thought he has become. He was not in the mood to fight any more, but he didn’t want whatever support Yagari had been trying to give him either. Why had Zero agreed to see this _being a vampire_ thing through to the end anyway? He could have just...

“Just forget it,” he muttered.

He was tired. These thoughts were making him tired. He turned from his teacher and headed back to the house. Yagari followed, wanting to make sure Zero made it back without any detours. But there was no need for it. Zero wasn’t going anywhere tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All comments and kudos are much appreciated. Please do let me know what you thought of the chapter!
> 
> (chapter title from so you wanna be a superhero? by carissa's weird)


	29. If you've still got some light in you then go before it's gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The POV switches get slightly muddled around the middle of this chapter. Hopefully it will read ok and not be confusing. I just didn't want to confine myself to writing from only one perspective. Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy the chapter :)

The following morning, all Zero wanted was to go to the woods again. The bleak turn his thoughts had begun to take last night had doused that fire for a while but the respite from it had been brief. Sure enough, it had returned to him as the hours wore on. Now the need to hunt was painful again. It was an ache in his chest and limbs that was impossible to ignore as long as he remained stuck in his room.

Tired though he'd been, he had not slept. He had not allowed himself to, for fear of what he might see behind his closed eyelids. Where his sleeping habits were concerned, he was back to square one these days. All of his progress had been erased by his increasingly dark thoughts. He could not seem to figure out how he had managed to get so far the first time around. Or perhaps he did know, and it – _she_ – was something he'd rather not think about.

Now as he walked the Academy grounds in the early morning, he considered heading straight for the gates again. Or perhaps even taking a less obvious route and hopping a fence. But the more he thought about it, it just didn't seem worth it. This feeling he had was not coming from a place of logic. It was, in all likelihood, telling him to go out there in search of something that would not be found. He had not managed to sate it in the nights before he had been found out, so what were the chances of him managing during the day? There was no abundance of Level E vampires roaming the outskirts of the school; Zero had simply been extremely unlucky on the morning that all this had begun.

So, yes, he could try his luck anyway, but wouldn't it just be more likely that he'd get caught out – followed and possibly dragged back to the school? The threat of being placed under house arrest if he tried to leave the Academy again without permission had already been made. And, in all honesty, defiance required a certain level of energy that Zero simply did not possess today.

He decided instead to visit White Lily. He had not been to her at all this week after all. There was no one else about in the stables when he got there, thankfully, though it seemed that the man who usually took care of the horses had yet to come by. Zero would have preferred to be alone with Lily, but it would not be so bad for the stable hand to arrive later. It was mostly that Zero didn't want anyone to witness how the horses reacted to him when he first arrived. It was perhaps one of the more obvious giveaways that there was something wrong with him. He did not like causing discomfort to the horses; it was the very reason he had chosen not to visit all week, but he wanted to see Lily today. The other hoses would settle soon enough. Lily, at least, never minded what state he chose to visit her in, and if she was a little moody with him today then it was only because he had stayed away for so long. She had missed him, it seemed.

"Sorry Lily," Zero mumbled as she huffed grumpily at him. He reached out and rubbed her nose in greeting. Though he would very much have liked to just lie down and take a nap with her, there was some mucking out to be done first. It was the least he could do to make up for not being around much recently.

By the time he'd moved onto grooming her, Zero was feeling a lot calmer. This was what he liked about visiting White Lily. This moody horse, who he had nursed as a foal himself, had become his closest friend in the years he'd lived at the Academy. She was his only friend really, but she was always there when he needed her. Looking after her, or even just napping in her stall, had always been his greatest source of comfort.

As Zero was brushing Lily, the stable hand showed up to start his morning work. He seemed rather surprised to see Zero here at this hour but merely thanked him for his help with White Lily. He only spoke a little to Zero, knowing him well enough not to think that conversation needed to be forced with him. Once finished, Zero did not offer to help with the rest of the horses, knowing that they would only remain settled as long as he kept to White Lily's stall.

Zero scratched Lily's ears and murmured, "I'm going to take nap now, okay... You know what to do if anyone comes here looking for me." He allowed himself a small smirk at the thought. There were certain benefits to being the only person Lily would allow near her; whenever Zero came to nap here, unwanted visitors were easily scared off. Lily nudged him affectionately in response to his request. She seemed to be in a much better mood after receiving so much attention. Zero settled down in the hay and closed his eyes. He felt that this morning's efforts should have been enough to earn him an easy sleep after getting none the night before.

*

Zero made it back to the house in the evening. By his standards, he'd managed to sleep for quite a while. The sky was already dark as he made his way out of the stables. Now the night stretched out vacantly before him. Zero knew he would not sleep again until tomorrow. The thought of it settled over him in a thick gloom.

While he had been at school, in the weeks leading up to the exams, he had been tired and grumpy and miserable. He would have given anything to make it all stop so he could rest. But now that was all he had to do: 'rest and get better'. The words kept being thrown at him like a lifeline that always fell too far from his reach. They might as well have been in a foreign language for all the use he could make of them. Today Zero had had about seven or so hours of sleep, but he was not sure he felt much more energised after it. Was this what they had meant by 'rest'? If so, he could not make out how it was supposed to be working.

Now his wakefulness felt more like an extra burden. What was he even supposed to do with it? He tried to probe into the fog of his thoughts and see if he could extract something useful. There was not very much available to him. He would have liked to go to the shooting range but, without access to the _Bloody Rose,_ he couldn't do that. Perhaps he should just go back to the stables. He could take a book and maybe White Lily's company would help to focus his mind enough to actually read it. Then he wondered if taking Lily out for a ride was an option, or would Yagari find it too suspicious to go out with her at night. He might think Zero was using her to make a speedier escape, as going on foot had failed so miserably the night before. And though that had not been his plan, part of Zero strongly considered trying just that, just to see how far he might get.

He was still weighing out his options as he walked, but he had decided he would go back to the house and pick up a book either way. As he thought on it, though, he was mostly just overwhelmed with a desire to lie down. He has just enough energy to feel irritated at the thought of just how useless he'd become lately.

Zero stopped walking and pushed his fingers through his hair, while pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. He let out a low, frustrated groan and he stood there for a long moment, as he thought of the past week; of the past four years; of all the potential he'd thought he held before this all began...

He stayed like that for a good few minutes then he dropped his hands to his sides, took one last steadying breath and walked up to the house.

*

When Zero got to his room, Yuki was there, waiting for him. He knew it was her even before reaching the door. He could feel her presence from the hallway.

His approach was hesitant. He found himself considering the possibility that his mind could be playing tricks on him because she had never been this bold with him before. The seconds it took him to reach his door felt stretched out, much longer than should have been possible. But the distance from the top of the stairs to the door was short, so seconds it must have been, and then he could see. She was not trying to sneak up on him. She had not bothered to close the door behind her, or conceal her presence in any way. She was just sitting on the edge of his bed.

Zero stared. His first thought was simply disbelief at her audacity. Yuki was staring wordlessly back at him, and he could tell just from looking at her that she was nervous. Obviously she had known what his reaction to her being here would be. Yuki could be dense at times, but this was not one of those moments. This had been planned. She understood that Zero did not want her here, but she had chosen to come anyway. And, as she stared at him, her gaze did not waver.

It was the longest Zero had looked her way in over a week. Whatever he had been expecting, or running from, did not matter. Since he'd stepped into the room, he had felt anger beginning to build up inside him and he was very slowly being eaten up by it.

"Get out." He said the words quietly, not wanting this feeling to spill out along with them. Zero was not sure what would happen if it did.

Yuki did not so much as blink. She gave a slow shake of her head.

"Zero," she said in a low voice, "We really need to talk."

Zero turned away.

"No, we don't. You need to get out of my room." He took a few more steps inside to give her better access to the door.

"I don't..." For the first time since Zero had entered, Yuki faltered a little. But she quickly continued, forcing more confidence into her words, "The way you're acting is... I just _don't_ deserve it!"

It was already becoming increasingly difficult just to get his words out evenly but Zero felt he had to try. It seemed vitally important that he not lose his temper in front of her. "It's got nothing to do with what you deserve. I just don't want you here."

He had never before seen Yuki glaring at him the way she did now. The defiance in her stare, as she got to her feet, told him that she had no intention of moving any further than that until she'd said her piece. "All I want," she told him, "Is for the two of us to talk this through. I just want to be able to understand why, after all the time we've spent together this past month, you've suddenly decided to shut me out without a word. If you could just... if you could just tell me that and then if you still didn't want me around, then I could go. It would hurt like hell but at least I'd know. Not knowing is-" she broke off just as her voice began to grow thicker with emotion. She had done a good job at keeping it at bay this far but now she had to pause a moment. She finished her sentence in a voice that was only a little bit more than a whisper, "It's driving me crazy Zero."

He would not look at her. If he kept his eyes on the carpet then maybe it wouldn't get to him. Though he could not be entirely sure what ' _it_ ' was. His own barely suppressed anger – or what she was doing. That look she'd had in her eyes. Zero needed to stay strong but he was not sure if he could for much longer. What good had he ever been at it anyway? She had to go. She _had_ to go. "No," he told her and even he felt that it wasn't enough, but he had to try to let it be because she _could not be here_ , trying to have this conversation with him. He needed to get her to leave.

But his answer, firm and brutal, only pushed Yuki further. And while he did his best to remain as close to impassive as he could manage in this situation, she could hold it in no longer. Her voice as she cried out held equal parts despair and frustration, "Why must you so stubbornly cling to loneliness?"

There was something in her voice that stirred some unwanted feeling in him. He closed his eyes, willing it away, but he sensed that he was failing miserably.

Yuki went on, "It doesn't have to be this way. We can be friends, Zero, if you'd just-"

But that was it. That was the limit.

When Zero's eyes opened, they were blazing furiously.

“I don’t want to be your fucking _friend_!”

Yuki fell silent, shocked and hurting. The words were delivered with more force than any physical blow could have been. And though Zero had expected it to be awful; when it came down to it, this attempt to forget, which she had so encouraged, this pretence that nothing was wrong – when really _everything_ was – It felt so satisfying to give up and he found he couldn’t stop. His words came flying out of his mouth with all the anger he’d been building up over this past week.  It was all released with more venom than he’d been able to conjure up even last night. He thought he had been furious then, but it was nothing compared to this.

“Why should I have to like you? You keep pretending like you’re some kind of fucking saviour, but all you’ve done is force me into this... this _dependence_. I never wanted to be _saved_ by you. And I didn’t want to be put in this situation where – where I don’t even fucking know what to do when you’re not there. How can you think that _that’s okay_?” Zero’s eyes were wide and searing into Yuki’s. She couldn’t have given him an answer to that. She was too stunned to say a word. Zero continued but he was losing momentum. “Shit... You’re a vampire... A _pureblood_.   _Why_... why won’t you just keep acting like one so I can _hate_ you? ” With every word Zero spoke, it seemed that anger was starting to sound more like despair, “...I want to hate you... I don’t – I _never_ wanted to be like this _.._.”

Zero pressed a hand to his forehead, partially covering the stark and pale amethyst of his eyes. Yuki could see the tremble in his hands as he did so. Even as she felt those words of his crushing her, she wanted to reach over and steady them herself. But she could not bring herself to move or even speak. She just watched him, a mere few feet away, but helpless as though she stood across the whole of the earth from him.

Maybe this was what he’d been running from this entire week. Because something certainly seemed to have caught up with him now: the way Yuki was looking at him... he just couldn’t seem to fight the effects of it. The words kept pouring out of him, like they always did with her. But his voice was quieter now, horse from the yelling and from the miserable feeling that had overwhelmed him. “I don’t want this to be it for me: I don’t want to be a vampire. You keep trying to tell me that it’s okay but it’s not. It’s like...  like there’s something really dreadful inside of me and I have to fight it all the time. I can feel myself losing... I-I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.

 “Yuki...” Her name, Yuki only realised that he was calling her by it for the first time because it sounded so soft and strange on his lips. “You keep saying that you want to help… but there’s no point. I’m just... not worth it. I never was.”

Was this what it looked like when a heart shattered before your eyes?

There was almost a beauty in it, of the most terrifying, heartrending sort. All of the hardness and shadow had been torn away, leaving him open and vulnerable. Yuki could see Zero’s pain and feel it as if it were her own. It was the most terrible experience she had ever known, but she could not look away.

It took all of her will just for Yuki to find her voice again. “No – no, Zero! You really... you just aren’t seeing yourself clearly at all. You give yourself such a hard time but-” Yuki had to stop to wipe at her tears. When had they started? She could not even say. “-But you’re such a good person. Like no one I’ve ever met before. I understand why you have to grieve, but it’s blinding you. If you could, just for a second, stop to look beyond it all then you’d see.”

“There’s nothing to see. You’re mistaken. I know now… I’m being swallowed up by something that won’t let me decide for myself anymore. Pretty soon I’ll be gone entirely.”

The look on his face was... agony, beyond anything Yuki had ever known. And he was lost in it.

“You won’t save me. You can’t – not after what she did.”

_No._

“Zero... don’t – please don’t say things like this. You’ve made it so far already. Please don’t give up like this!”

Zero’s gaze, which had drifted unfocused to the floor earlier, was on Yuki again now. But he was glazed over, like he was drifting away somehow. “Why do you care? I’ve still not been able to figure it out. You’re a pureblood too, like her, so... instead of all this, shouldn’t you be looking for a way to finish the job? What she started all those years ago?”

  _No no no no no!_

How could he toss those words out like that? As though unaware they’d cut like razors?

No. He couldn’t mean that. Yuki had to fight past the lump in her throat to get any words out. They wouldn’t come easily, but when they did they came loud: “ _I’m not Shizuka!”_  She screamed. “I-I _couldn’t_! Don’t ask me something so cruel! I- I- I-”

Then no more words at all – just tears. Just the dull pain of the ground as her knees collapsed against it.

 _I love you,_ she thought. _I love you, I love you, I love you. Why can’t I say it? Why can’t you_ see _it?_

The tears kept falling. They were enough to drown out all else so that she didn’t even see how her shout cut though the haze that had previously encompassed the boy before her.

“I’m sorry.”

The words seemed distant, but were getting louder as they were repeated.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

It was sobbed into her ear. Yuki felt Zero’s arms go around her. She was almost too numb to be shocked. It felt like a dream, a nightmare. It was impossible to tell the difference when the two collided with such violence. She just wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer. How did it get to be him making the decision to hold her? It was all she ever wanted to do, and yet she never felt brave enough. Now here he was, so solid and warmer than she could have expected. She felt the soft fabric of his jumper under her fingers, inhaled the scent of him: of hay and the smoky night air, and under that the alluring scent of his blood. His hands were cold. She could feel that from his fingers which had weaved into her hair as he held her pressed against him. It took her several drawn out seconds to process it all, and then she was sobbing back at him while he whispered his apologies.

“I won’t ever hurt you. I’ll do everything I can to keep you safe Zero, I promise.”

“Don’t... you shouldn’t care for me.”

The broken edge to his voice sent forward another surge of tears and her grip on him tightened.

“It will only hurt you in the end,” he went on. “I’ve only ever brought suffering to people who’ve cared for me. It’s always been that way. Why would it be different for you?”

Yuki’s head was already shaking as she drew back from him.

“That doesn’t matter to me,” she whispered. “I don’t care if I suffer... If there’s even a small chance that I can help you somehow, then I’ll go through whatever it takes.”

“It should matter…” he told her, but he said it so quietly, like he barely had it in him to argue any more.

She just gave him a sad smile, and then she reached up to wipe the tears from his cheeks, even as her own tears glistened on hers. The smile began to droop, slipping away as she looked into those eyes. Wet and shining and beautiful even in their sadness. There was nothing this boy could do that would not be beautiful to her.  Even in his worst moods. His anger was borne with the predatory grace of a wild wolf at hunt. When he was scared you felt his terror with him, such was the power of those eyes. If only she could see him happy.

Her fingers lingered on his cheek. There were only two other times that she had been this close to him. Close enough to taste, almost. Those times had been emotional in their own way, but not like this.

Yuki was startled by the discovery of just how much she wanted to lean in and close the short distance between their lips.

Despite the sudden urge, she did not move. Instead she grew incredibly still, so still that the increase of her heart rate seemed thunderous. Her cheeks grew warm; there was no chance that he had not noticed. He had appeared to be thinking hard before, like he was just now processing the sudden turn of their conversation. His eyes regained some of their focus at the sound. His eyebrows only drew together a little but there was a question there that Yuki did not feel she could answer. A moment passed, and she shifted back slightly.

There was something important that she needed to tell him, and she could not let herself get distracted like this. “Zero...” his name came out sounding strange. Her mouth was dry. Her throat was sore – parched. She had been so wrapped up in all of this that she had not even noticed her thirst until now. But it was there, of course it was. It did not matter that she had swallowed countless blood tablets before coming here. They may have lessened the urgency with which the thirst gripped her, but they stood no chance of erasing it entirely, with Zero in such close proximity. She swallowed against the pain of it and tried to speak again. Maybe it was entirely fitting that she felt this way, with what she planned to say next.

“I’m sorry. For what you saw in the kitchen last week. I never wanted you to see that.”

Yuki searched Zero’s eyes, wanting to know if he understood what she meant. The way he dropped his gaze at her words told her that he did.

“I wanted to hide that side of me from you because I was so scared that you’d hate me if you saw it. But it was such a stupid thing to try to do. I should have just been honest.” She paused, because she wanted to be honest now. But it was hard and she couldn’t help but feel glad that he was not looking at her as she spoke. “When I saw your blood that day, it took me by surprise. I’d not taken enough blood tablets and I had no time to compose myself.   And, yes...  yes, your blood smelled appealing to me. It has done for a long time. But I won’t act on that feeling. I promise.”

Zero bowed his head. Yuki had hoped that her words would bring some comfort to him, but he looked thoroughly miserable still. He was silent for such a long time that she thought he might not have any answer to that. But she waited for him anyway, giving it time to sink in. Then Zero whispered, “I wanted to blame you for what happened that day... as though I could make it easier to deal with by doing that.” A long pause, then: “I can’t seem to hold on to that feeling anymore.” Something sparked in him at this point. Suddenly he was not whispering anymore.  “Yuki, how can you put up with my hypocrisy? This feeling you’re promising not to act upon? I have acted on it, and I have no clue if I’d be able to stop myself from doing it again in the future. You should just take it! It’s not like I have any right to complain.”

Yuki felt that perhaps Zero did not understand the weight of what he was saying. It pained her to hear him speak those words like that. He gave them away too easily, laced with far too much bitterness.

“You don’t mean that, Zero. You wouldn’t say it like that if you did. Besides, I meant what I said. I wouldn’t do that to you. Not unless you-” Yuki cut herself off, taking a long deep breath. Now was not a good time to go in that direction. “Anyway...” Yuki picked up the hand Zero had clenched in a fist at his side and gently began to smooth out his fingers. They were sitting cross-legged, facing each other in the middle of Zero’s floor now. They were both looking at Zero’s fingers clasped within Yuki’s. 

“Zero, I know that it’s different for you. You went through a really terrifying ordeal a few years ago.” Slowly things were sliding into place in Yuki’s mind; things she’d failed to make sense of this past week. Her eyes flickered back up to Zero’s face. “I feel terrible that I might have reminded you of that.”

There was only the slightest change in Zero’s expression when she said it, but Yuki knew it confirmed her suspicions. “I’m so sorry Zero. I keep wondering if I should just go... I know I said that I wouldn’t and that I’d do whatever I could to take care of you, but what if the best way to do that is to not be here...? Always messing up when it matters most and making everything harder for you. I wanted to be by your side but... maybe I’m being selfish... If you want me to, then I will. I’ll leave. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“No,” Zero spoke suddenly and he looked straight into her eyes. His expression was solemn, but his words made Yuki’s heart stop. “Don’t. Please, I don’t want that.”

Yuki could not have torn her eyes away from his if she’d wanted to. She had been so ready for him to agree, to tell her ‘ _yes that would be for the best._ ’ But instead – how could it be? – He wanted her to stay. He wanted her here... with him?

“Zero,” She breathed his name. Her eyes were wide as she took in the look on his face. Somehow it was telling her how wrong she’d been, how he regretted making her feel that way. An amazed smile found its way onto her lips. “This past week... I missed you so much.”

And then he amazed her even more because with the hand that was still clutched in hers, he tugged just a little, and then somehow, she was in his arms again.

She didn’t care that it hurt a little to be so suddenly overwhelmed by the smell of him as she pressed her face against his shoulder.  It mattered more to be able to feel the heat from his body and the way his fingers pressed against her back. The thirst was nothing compared to how much she wanted to be close to him – to Zero, not just his blood.

He spoke quietly into her hair, “I’m sorry Yuki. I’ve been such an idiot. I haven’t even known what to do with myself without you around. I think all I wanted was to see you, but I couldn’t even... I couldn’t just admit it to myself.” his arms tightened slightly around her, “I’m really sorry.”

His confession was like something from one of her daydreams, the kind that she would only rarely permit herself. Zero didn’t say things like that, and Yuki barely allowed herself to even wish that someday he might. He always told her what he wanted in silence. If he wanted to be with her then he told her simply by being there. She was always guessing with him and she was never certain because he so rarely explained what he was thinking. Only at times like this, when it was all too much to keep inside, did his real feelings start to spill out. But never before had his real feelings sounded like this.

  _All I wanted was to see you..._ Those words had really just come from his mouth. And she could really feel him holding her tight even now after he’d said it. But just a short while earlier he’d shouted at her. He’d said such cruel things...

“Do you really mean it?” she asked him. Her forehead was resting against his shoulder. She could not bring herself to pull back from him just yet. “I thought... I was really starting to believe that you hated me. All that stuff you said before-”

“I’m sorry,” Zero mumbled again, into her hair.

“Then you didn’t mean all that?” She felt him shake his head. “Please don’t change your mind Zero. If you’re going to change your mind, then do it now because-”

“I won’t.” He’d pulled back just a little from her as he said it and part of Yuki wanted to protest, but then she found herself looking into his eyes and that part of her stilled. He looked so serious as he went on, “I’m making my decision now and you can hold me to it. Though… it’s hard…” his eyebrows knit together as he considered his words. “No matter how I look at it I can’t see myself as someone you should want to have around… But, despite that, if you’re really still sure that you want me then… I apologise for all the shit I’ve put you through lately. I know that you’re not like that woman. I was just lashing out and I’m sorry... I won’t change my mind again.”

 A moment passed while Yuki let the words sink through her. Then a huge smile broke out on her face. “I’m so glad,” she told him. “Of course, I want you around, Zero. Don’t make me miss you like that again and we’ll be fine.” And then she pulled him back as close to her as she could manage.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this what you'd call 'finally moving in the preferred direction'? XD  
> I think we might be slowly, slowly getting somewhere at last hehe!  
> If you have any thoughts about the chapter then I'd love to hear them!  
> Thank you for reading. And happy new year to all of you! 
> 
> (Chapter title from White Fire by Angel Olsen)


	30. This feels right and I'm letting it

Yuki could not have said how long the two of them stayed wrapped in each other’s arms, because time was not something she could bring herself to care about when she was with Zero like this. How could it be real? Wasn’t this everything she had dreamed of for months? Just to hold him close. To run her fingers through the fine silver threads of his hair. To hear him breathing, the sound so close to her ear.  Just hoping that somehow some of the hurt he had been carrying by himself all this week might dissipate in this embrace.

And Zero, he felt it too. He held this wonder in his arms and he could feel it in his chest, so bright he couldn’t see the shadows in him. Those thoughts like ‘ _what does this change really?_ ’ or ‘ _you don’t really think it could last?_ ’ had been washed out to look more like ‘ _why did I wait so long?_ ’

It was not quite that this shift was suddenly easier to accept, it was more like there was simply no other option available when she was so warm against him. Maybe, in a way, he was giving up in finally going against those ideals he’d been stubbornly trying to hold on to. But if this was the alternative to the torment of the past week then... he would take it. It was a blissful relief. Or maybe it just seemed that way in comparison to everything he was used to feeling. There was so much pain too deeply cut into him for it to heal so easily. But she was so warm. There was nothing else in his life that felt like this. He just couldn’t lie to himself about that any longer.

Earlier Zero had looked at her, smiling up at him with tears still wet on her cheeks, and he’d known: he needed to fight harder against whatever it was in him that kept making comparisons between Yuki and Shizuka.  There was no comparison. Yuki was caring and silly and full of light and Zero was lucky that she hadn’t washed her hands of him already.

So he would hold onto her tight, and refuse to give a damn anymore about the ways she was different to him.

After a while Yuki remembered something. “Zero,” she murmured as she started to pull back. “Do you... um... It’s been a while and I’ve been wondering, do – do you need blood?”

Zero frowned. Now his eyes weren’t meeting hers anymore and Yuki almost wished she had avoided the subject. She didn’t want to make things uncomfortable so soon after they’d made up, but how could she know if there’d ever be a good time to broach the subject? She didn’t think Zero would ever ask. And what if it was as she suspected and he needed her blood now?

Zero did not want to answer. Honestly, he’d been trying not to think about it. He’d managed to convince himself in the past week that he would not have anything to do with Yuki anymore. He’d pushed all thoughts of her aside; tried to make it so that the temptation of her blood was nothing more than a slight discomfort. It was much more than that but Zero was good at lying to himself. And he was well trained in the art of not ever thinking about what it would be like to give into the need that plagued him.

But what if Zero agreed to be honest about this?

Yuki was not just making an inquiry – she was offering. He could tell from the seriousness in her expression as he finally dragged his eyes back to hers, and from the hesitation. She was nervous, but she meant it, he could tell.

He was thirsty. And she smelled good.

What was there now, he wondered, to stop him from indulging in her offer?

He was a little startled by the sudden want that sprang up in him. He didn’t like the feel of it. Wasn’t it too much like the feeling that had driven him out to the woods to search for vampires earlier this week? The question came to him again: was this what it meant to be a vampire? Was it really something he could live with?

Yuki moved her hands so that they were placed on Zero’s shoulders, steadying him. “There’s no need for you to hold back with me,” she said. “I want to help you.”

Zero’s eyes flickered to Yuki’s throat and then up to the open bedroom door. Yuki’s eyes followed his and she registered what he was thinking. “The Headmaster went out a little while ago to get something for dinner. I suppose he could be back any time.” She looked as though she was thinking, “Perhaps we could do it later tonight, after he’s gone to bed?”

Zero was not sure that he wanted to agree, but somehow he ended up nodding. Waiting seemed like a good option. At least this way he had some time to think it through, to figure out how he felt about it.

Sure enough, only a short while later they heard the door downstairs open and the Headmaster’s call, “Who wants pizza?”

Zero had only a second to register relief that he had not jumped at Yuki’s neck as soon as she’d made her offer. Yuki was watching him carefully. “Are you… okay? I mean, I know that things are…” she sighed as she struggled to come up with the best way to word her question. “It’s hard for you, I know, but… do you at least feel better? Than before we spoke?”

“I…” he struggled too, but because it was so strange to think back to no more than an hour earlier when he’d been filled with that explosive rage and so much pain. But then she’d held him, and now he felt still. Calm. He nodded.

Yuki smiled. “In that case…” she got to her feet and held out her hand for him to take, “I definitely want pizza.” And then she was pulling Zero to his feet and leading him out of the room and down the stairs.

Kaien was in the dining room, waiting for them, and when Zero trailed into the room behind Yuki, his eyes grew huge. Yuki quickly let go of Zero’s hand and looked up at him apologetically. She didn’t want to let go of him, but she did not want to run the risk of it all being too much for him either. She had made her mistake though. Kaien was already gushing, “You made up! I’m so happy! You know, you two were seriously beginning to worry me! I didn’t want to admit it, but…” and he was babbling.

Zero found that after everything that had just happened, he could not find the energy to be annoyed by it. He settled for simply ignoring Kaien and rolling his eyes as he strode across the room to take a seat at the dining table.

“What brought about the change of heart, Zero?” Kaien questioned.

Zero winced, “Let’s not get into it.”

Kaien blinked slowly. “Well yes, of course… I’m just happy to have you back with us. It’s wonderful, really!”

“It is…” Yuki smiled tentatively and took the seat next to Zero’s.

Zero wished he could say it was not a big deal but, honestly, he had not felt like this in… too long. He looked at Yuki and felt grounded, almost. He had made the wrong decision in shutting her out this past week. He looked at her and he knew that any doubts that might come from now on and any guilt or thoughts about betrayal of his family would be something he’d have to fight through. He could not go back on this decision and somehow, with all of the uncertainty he had lived through lately, that thought was more comforting than he ever could have expected.

*

As the evening went on, Zero could no longer tell if it was a good thing to have the time to think about drinking blood again. Maybe, if they’d looked for somewhere private to do it, it would have been better just to get it over with earlier.

The thing was, now Zero just couldn’t stop thinking about it. And the more he thought about it, the more he knew it was inevitable. He couldn’t take blood tablets and if he didn’t get hold of the real thing sometime soon then he would eventually go insane. Better to do it now than to wait again, I until he became dangerously close to that other outcome.

It was not as though he had been doing very well recently anyway. He had already been holding back on his thirst for a couple of weeks. And this past week had been a nightmare as it was. Could it be that the blood thirst had been at least partially to blame for that? And he hadn’t even realised?

Zero kept looking at Yuki’s neck. Several times throughout the evening he had jolted out of some reverie to find his gaze focused on the feint shadow of veins under her skin.

They were in the living room, watching a film with the Headmaster. School still hadn’t started back up again, so he had no work to do. Having him there was making Zero more restless. He had no idea how obvious he was being. He didn’t mean to keep thinking about what it would be like this time. Getting close to her again, pulling her long hair out of the way, being fully aware of what he was about to do this time around…

Zero had no notion of what might be happening on the screen in front of them. Instead his mind kept playing repeats of the last time Yuki had given blood to him.

Zero got up and went to the bathroom just for an excuse to get away from the other two.

God, that night had been awful. The state he had fallen to then was something he never wanted to experience again. The only way to avoid it was to take the blood Yuki offered him. The thought of going through with it, of the actual act of drinking blood, scared him. The only time he had ever done it before, he had been so consumed by bloodlust that he had barely been aware of anything else. He hadn’t had to think about it then. But it wasn’t like that this time around.

And because he was thinking about it, he knew: there was definitely a part of him that wanted it.

It was in those moments that Zero found himself transfixed by that spot on her neck. Every time her hair shifted just enough to see where he had bitten her before. That was when he couldn’t deny how he craved it.

The vampire side of him would not be silenced. Tonight, he was going to have to embrace it. There was no other choice left to him.

*

On exiting the bathroom, Zero thought about avoiding any further awkwardness by just going back to his own room. He had no interest in whatever they had been watching, or in spending ‘quality time’ with Kaien. But he was concerned about hurting Yuki’s feelings. He’d already done that too many times this week.

He went back to the living room. As he entered, he caught a concerned look from Yuki. There was nothing he could say that would not draw unwanted attention from Kaien so he simply placed a hand on her shoulder as he passed by, in a way that he hoped would seem reassuring. Though he had to admit he was in no state to be reassuring anyone right now.

Yuki just smiled though. She seemed truly happy that they were talking again; spending time together. Friends. Zero was going to have to get used to that – to not being a dick about it, as Yori had pointed out to him weeks earlier. He wasn’t going to lie to himself now: there was probably a lot of trouble that could have been avoided if he had taken Yori’s words on board that day and just admitted to himself that Yuki’s friendship was something he wanted – needed even.

He had been so awful to her today, but she hadn’t needed any convincing to forgive him. Zero had a suspicion that that was just what Yuki was like. She forgave easily, too easily, maybe. Even if he did go back on his word someday, he didn’t think she’d ever give up on him. And that was why he knew he couldn’t break that promise to her. She deserved better than that. She deserved better than him. But, somehow, she still seemed to want him. Yuki seemed happy and, seeing it, Zero was struck by the oddest sensation that he wanted to keep it that way. So, he wouldn’t fuck it up this time.  

She seemed tentative about it though, this happiness. They had held each other for such a long time in Zero’s room earlier but it seemed that she did not want to take it for granted that touching or being openly affectionate was something he’d be comfortable with. Zero felt grateful for that. But he also felt that he just wanted to be near her again. He was stressed, and he knew her closeness would soothe him.

Instead of going back to the chair he had occupied for most of the night so far, he took a seat on the sofa next to Yuki. She turned to look at him, surprised for a moment, and then she smiled at him – beamed, in fact. And he didn’t really understand why… but he wanted it.

Zero shifted so that his arm was lightly pressed against hers and he felt relief suddenly go through him at the touch. Then he focused his gaze on the TV hoping that if he could make himself follow the story just a little then time might start moving a little more quickly for him.

When the credits finally started rolling, Kaien announced that it was time for hot chocolate, which Zero felt was the perfect end to a ridiculous evening. But it at least meant that he and Yuki were left alone for a short while That was an improvement.

Yuki’s hand slipped into his.

Zero turned to look at her. Her smile wasn’t that special, almost blinding one she sometimes had. It did not hide her nervousness, but Zero could still feel the warmth of her hand affecting him in the same way it always did. So he guessed it was fine if she was nervous too.

“You doing any better?” she asked him.

Zero nodded slowly, “Yeah… I think so. That was weird.”

“You mean the family fun time?” Yuki smirked.

“God, don’t call it that.” Zero rolled his eyes.

“It’s kind of become the norm while you were… you know… Now you know what you’ve been missing.”

Zero bowed his head. “I guess that’s another thing I should be feeling bad about,” he muttered, half sarcastically. “The list keeps growing.”

“You can make it up to me,” Yuki’s tone was light.

Zero’s eyes flicked back up to her. “How?” he asked her softly.

Yuki didn’t answer him right away. Zero wasn’t sure why but for a moment she seemed slightly flustered. She recovered quickly, though, and stuttered only a little as she asked him, “We – we’re still on for later right? I mean, you’re up for… what we discussed?”

Zero held his gaze steady, a little too steady maybe. He felt slightly stiff as, a few seconds later, he nodded.

“Then that’s enough,” Yuki said.

Zero frowned. “How can you think that’s enough? I’m not giving you anything. You’re basically sacrificing yourself for me and I’m just going to let you. That’s not a favour!”

“All I really want is for you to be okay. I’m not sacrificing anything.”

Zero watched her gravely, in a way that said he knew her words weren’t true. He knew that he would not have to take a lot of blood from her; that the pain would not last; that the wound would close up quickly afterwards…

But blood was never just blood. Yuki could not pretend that this was nothing, that there was not something more being given up in this exchange.

But Yuki just smiled. “I want to do this for you. Please don’t worry about me. Besides… it’s not like we haven’t done this before. It’s a bit late to be worrying about the consequences now…”

“That time was different.”

“Not so different. More urgent maybe, but I knew what I was doing. I know I’d make the same decision again – I _am_ doing.”

Zero heard Kaien returning from the kitchen before he could begin to form an argument, but Yuki added in quickly and quietly, “I mean it. This is what I want. So please let me help you however I can.”

So Zero was left not knowing what to say and not having the time to say it anyway as Kaien returned with a tray of three hot chocolates. Zero didn’t even like the drink that much, but he drank it anyway. He willed the liquid to soothe his parched throat, but the relief it provided was only temporary. His thirst was for something else entirely, and it was only growing.

*

When Kaien finally bid the two of them good night, they did not move right away. If they wanted to be sure of their privacy, then they would need to first wait until he was asleep. It didn’t seem right to do it anywhere, or anytime he might find them. It wasn’t because they didn’t expect him to understand, he’d certainly know why they had to do it, but this was not something they could flaunt.

They did not talk for a long time. Zero was feeling too much tension, built up from waiting for too long. Maybe Yuki was feeling it too, because it was Zero who broke the silence.

“Why?” he asked her. “Why would you want to do this? Why for me?”

If the look on Yuki’s face held any clues, then they were beyond his capacity to understand. She looked slightly alarmed by his question, but that didn’t really tell him anything. And her words provided no more of an answer. “I’m not sure how to answer that,” she told him, her voice hesitant.

“Is that because you don’t know, or you don’t want to tell me?” he kept his voice low as he asked. There was no force in his words. He wasn’t going to make her explain herself if she didn’t want to.

She didn’t answer him. But the hesitance had gone from her expression. Now she got to her feet and held out a hand for Zero to take. “Come on,” she said, gently.

Zero stared at Yuki’s outstretched hand for a long moment before taking it. As much as he had hated waiting for this moment, now that it was time, he was filled with apprehension. And the way the ache in his throat flared up didn’t help matters. His vampire side was at odds with whatever human might be left over in him, wanting this as much as the rest of him feared it. But still, he followed.

Yuki led him upstairs. She paused a moment to consider where they should go, before continuing on down the hall. She was doing a much better job at thinking this through than Zero was at this point. He was barely even aware that they’d stopped outside his own room until he noticed Yuki looking up at him, silently questioning if it was alright to go on. Zero nodded.

He entered the room after her and she did not let go of his hand as she shut the door behind them. She continued to pull them forwards, to the door of his adjoining bathroom. “I figure it will be easier to clean up in here, if we make any mess,” she said quietly. Again, Zero just nodded dumbly. His throat was too dry for him to speak.

Yuki opened the door into the bathroom and she finally let go of his hand to reach up and switch on a small shaving light above the sink. He was glad for the dim light. Perhaps she too had sensed that overhead bulb would have been too much, glaring down over them, with what they were about to do. Zero hesitated a moment before closing the door behind them.

Yuki stood just a few feet away from him, but he could not bring himself to look at her.

The need for blood had woken in him strongly now. Neither of them spoke, so instead it was the sound of Yuki’s heartbeat that filled the room. Zero was so focused on it that it drowned out even his own. That sound, signalling the blood running through her veins. Blood that she had offered him. And he had tried to forget what it was like, how it had tasted. But nothing else had really filled him since.

Zero’s eyes rose slowly from the tiled floor and came to rest on her neck; cast in shadow by the hair that fell wildly around her shoulders. The moment was drawn out so long he began to think she was waiting for him to make the first move, but then she stepped forward so that she was just in front of him. He felt her hand, light on his cheek, and then brushing just as softly through his hair. And then all he could see was her eyes, warm, shining mahogany. The nervousness he had sensed in her before had been pushed aside to make room for the reassurance she now wanted to give him.

“Don’t be nervous,” she whispered. “It’ll be fine. You’ll see.”

She smiled so brightly at him he almost felt inclined to believe her.

“Are you ready?”

Zero did not think that he could truly be ready for this, but the thud of her heart was still resounding in his ears. His mouth wasn’t dry anymore. It was already anticipating the taste of her. He found himself nodding his head.

Yuki’s fingers went to the buttons at the collar of her pale blue blouse. He noticed her skin flush a little as she did so. But Zero was so caught up in the warmth and colour of her cheeks that he barely gave thought to why she was blushing. Yuki popped open the top three buttons of her blouse. Just enough to give him access to her neck.

Zero reached up and brushed a thumb over the faint pink on her cheek. So warm. The colour only hinted at what lay beneath the skin, but the scent of it still filled his head. Zero’s eyes drifted back to Yuki’s neck and his fingers followed to find the pulse there.

There was a small part left in him that hated the way he was reacting to this. Because knowing that he did not have to hold back on this feeling anymore was making it almost pleasurable to him. And that was wrong, surely.

He found her eyes again and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Yuki just smiled again, “There’s no need to be.” She tilted her head up a little. “It’s okay. Whenever you’re ready.”

Zero looked once more to her neck, but he did not move. Yuki took his hand. “Perhaps we should sit. It’ll be more comfortable.”

She began to kneel, tugging his hand lightly, and Zero followed her down onto the chill tile floor.

With his hand already lingering at her neck, Zero hesitantly reached a little further to sweep her hair out of his way. Yuki reached up to help, pulling it around to drape over her other shoulder. Her head tilted a little more, but he could not comfortably reach her from where she sat. So Zero dropped the hand she’d clasped earlier, reached for her waist and pulled her closer. He heard her make a tiny gasp as he did so.

Though the pink in her cheeks was deepening, her eyes had begun to close, making it difficult to guess very far at what she might be feeling. Maybe she was steeling herself against the pain, he thought. And he reminded himself to be careful. To try to hurt her as little as possible.

Yuki had extended her neck as much as she could now and, once Zero pulled the collar to the side, it was finally fully exposed.

His hesitance was fading. She was irresistible.

Zero bowed his head. He breathed in and it was almost like tasting her already. He didn’t know if he had ever wanted something this much before. The way his body was reacting to this was nothing like the attacks he had suffered through while becoming a vampire. He couldn’t describe it. He just wanted.

He couldn’t stop himself from tasting her skin, dragging his tongue along so close to where the blood he desired was flowing. Yuki made a tiny noise at the action and her grip on him tightened. Her arms slid further around him. One resting on his back, around the waist, while the other hand slipped up to his hair. Zero responded by doing the same; the hand he’d placed at her waist pulled her closer to him. Then he could wait no longer. His mouth opened wide and his fangs sank into her neck.

Yuki’s blood filled his mouth and he couldn’t think about being afraid anymore. There was no room in him for anything like that because Yuki was taking over everything. He had thought he remembered how she would taste, but of course his memory had done this no justice. Zero didn’t know how he would ever have pushed her away, or despaired at the thought of being bound by blood to her, if he had remembered it being anything like this.

The taste was complex. More than just coppery and warm; it was layered with her feelings. The contentment she felt at being in his arms was shared by him, and he felt it more because of the connection between them. None of it was being broken down for him or explained, these feelings were simply there between them, in Yuki’s blood, and being shared with Zero in their purest form. They were filling him. And it was like nothing he had ever felt before in these miserable years of being a vampire. With each swallow the ache in him was soothed until it was gone completely.  And everything felt lighter after that. Even as he licked at the last traces of blood around the wound the feeling remained.

He didn’t want to pull away from her after that so instead he pulled her closer. He let go of her shirt collar so that he could wrap an arm around her shoulders. They stayed like that for a minute or two while Zero revelled in the satisfied feeling her blood had filled him with.

Soon enough, it did occur to him to say something. Yuki’s neck was already showing signs of healing as he pulled back from her. There were a few thin dried rivulets of blood that he’d missed earlier, trailing down to her collar bone.

“Are you okay?” he asked. He dragged his eyes up to hers. Yuki’s eyes were only just opening and there was a funny expression on her face that he only understood because he thought he might be feeling the same. Slightly dazed by the whole thing.

But she smiled to answer his question, “Mhmm… What about you?”

Zero could only nod. He felt so much better than he had before. The difference in it was remarkable. It was only now, looking back on it, that he could measure the toll his thirst had taken on him. Everywhere before that was aching and tired now felt light. Contented.

Zero sat back on his heels and rubbed absently at his mouth with the back of his hand. The distance he had been reluctant to put between them before had grown enough to let a small sliver of reality back in. And he was unsettled by how much he’d enjoyed letting the vampire in him take over for that moment.

“You sure you’re ok? You look a bit…”

“It’s fine,” he insisted. “It’s just all a bit… much.”

Yuki nodded. “I understand.”

Then she got to her feet. Zero watched her cross the small room to grab a washcloth off a neatly folded stack on the shelf. He felt awkward suddenly. “Hey, you shouldn’t-” He got to his feet and met her at the sink, but Yuki brushed him off as she turned the tap.

“It’s fine. You didn’t take too much. You’ve got good control. That’s reassuring to know.” She wet the cloth under the warm water, rang it out and then held it out to him. “Here. You’ll feel better after you’ve cleaned up.”

Zero looked at her for a moment before taking the cloth. “Thanks,” he mumbled. He pressed it to his face without looking too closely in the mirror. He didn’t want to know what he looked like.

After wiping his mouth, and the rest of his face, he did feel refreshed. Yuki was still smiling at him encouragingly. The place on her neck where he’d bitten was no more than two pink dots now. Without really thinking about it, Zero reached out and gently tilted her head up. Then with the still warm cloth in his hand, he wiped at the side of her neck, removing the last few traces of blood with slow, gentle movements.

“I can’t help but feel bad about it,” he told her. “Like I’m using you.”

“You know I don’t see it that way.”

Zero didn’t even have to think about that. He could feel it in her blood inside him. “Yeah… I know.” Maybe it was already just a memory that he was feeling now, but it was so fresh, he couldn’t say that for sure. He finished what he’d been doing with the cloth, placed it down on the side and asked her, “For vampires… Is it usually… like _that_?” He didn’t want to say it in so many words, but it was almost like being able to taste her thoughts. Except it wasn’t as explicit as that; he didn’t think he’d be able to explain what it was like exactly. But he felt he had seen inside her or something. “I don’t remember it being that way last time.”

She seemed to understand what he meant. “We know each other better now. That can have a big effect, I think. It probably was similar that time but you were under a lot more stress – you might not have noticed it so much.”

Zero remembered how he had felt more certain of her and of her pure intentions after that night. It was the same sort of feeling now, just more intense. Zero nodded slowly, accepting Yuki’s explanation. Though there seemed to be something she was not saying that Zero realised he was grateful for. It had not simply been a matter of them knowing or being used to each other. Holding Yuki like that, having her blood fill and soothe him had felt… right somehow. And he knew that she had felt something similar on her end. Zero had allowed himself to accept a lot today, but there was only so much he could reasonably come to terms with in one sitting. He figured it would be better not to ask any more questions about it at this point.

“You look much better,” Yuki told him. “Healthier. You were so pale before.”

He’d noticed that; the face that looked back at him in the mirror, always so hollow eyed and tired. Hungry, but only for something that he had not thought he could take without losing too much of himself in return. Some days he’d felt like he was disappearing. And some days he’d wanted the process to hurry up. Get him out of here. Do the rest of the world a favour.

But then here was Yuki, bringing him back to life… and somehow giving him a reason to want it. He didn’t even know what that meant really, but he was just far gone enough down this road to want to see where it would lead. She’d done so much for him…

“I should thank you…”

Yuki grinned, “That’s ok.”

“I don’t think I deserve it.”

Yuki took his hand and laced her fingers through his. “Can I be the judge of that?”

Zero stared at their interlocking fingers. “I doubt it.”

“Such a pain…” Yuki muttered and she shuffled forward a few steps and rested her head on his chest.

Zero’s lips quirked slightly. He let go of her hand and put his arms around her shoulders. He murmured into her hair, “I guess I’ll just have to keep working on that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone notice the point in this chapter where Yuki is rendered momentarily speechless by how hot Zero is, but it’s written from his point of view so he’s just like ??? That probably happens a lot in this story. We know Zero isn’t an idiot, but he has some issues with denial that make him appear clueless. It’s kind of a shame (but in a cute way). 
> 
> I haven’t written the next chapter yet. I’m sorry guys. I meant to stay ahead of the chapters, but the past week turned out to be busier than I expected, so I just didn’t get it done. The situation is, I’ve written a few scenes from the next chapter, but there is a lot that I need to fill in around those scenes and not all of it is planned out. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to write so I wanted to put something to a vote: If the next chapter isn’t finished in a week, then should I try to stick to the usual weekly update by splitting the chapter up into a few shorter chapters? Or just keep going until the chapter is finished and post a longer, but later update? Let me know if you have a preference, otherwise I’ll just go with whatever feels right as I’m working on it. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please leave a comment if you can! The response to the last chapter was so encouraging. It's so much fun working on this and knowing that you're enjoying reading it! Thank you all for the support!
> 
> (chapter title from 10am Gare du Nord by Keaton Henson)


	31. I want to be the one who knows the best way to love you

Yuki slept late the following evening. Falling asleep at all had been difficult with everything that had happened that day. She’d only managed to drift off in the afternoon, when Kaien went out somewhere, leaving the house quiet at last. Not that Yuki’s trouble sleeping had all that much to do with noise levels. It was more that her thoughts of Zero were making her too excited to sleep. She knew that she was being entirely silly, but she simply couldn’t help it.

Zero, who had insisted that he wasn’t likely to sleep at all that night, actually started nodding off on the sofa right beside her, just a few short hours after they’d left the bathroom. At that point Yuki began to find it even more difficult to focus on the book she had been reading because, yes, Zero looked beautiful all the time, but while he was sleeping he looked practically angelic. Yuki had realised after a while that she would have to wake him so that they could both go to their own beds, because as much as she would have liked to snuggle up with him and stay there until the following afternoon, she wasn’t sure what Zero would think of that idea. Wasn’t it bad enough that she had been unable to stop herself from watching him so far? The last thing she wanted was to send him running again.

But just thinking about it – after sending a yawning Zero off to his bed – she realised that she was already being swept away by hopeful thoughts. Something had changed between the two of them that night. It wasn’t just making up after a fight. They had not simply gone back to the way things had been before; they had become closer. She knew it.

In that week, Yuki had missed Zero an unbelievable amount and now she was equally joyful to have him back. She wanted him closer than ever before. And she thought that it was possible Zero felt the same way. It was in all the little touches he’d been giving her. He’d been shy about it, but he’d never behaved this way before; seeking out her touch, silently letting her know he wanted it.

Yuki had been nervous about giving him blood again, but she’d done her best to conceal that worry, lest it put Zero off taking what he needed from her. She wanted him to have it – it was just that she knew it was a difficult thing to process for him. Despite suffering from blood cravings for years, Zero still had so much human in him. He’d been born that way, raised in a world different from her own. And the idea of drinking blood was unnatural to him. Yuki could not relate to that, but she needed to be understanding about it. Zero had said loud and clear that he did not want to be a vampire. He was afraid and disgusted by what it was doing to him. So she had expected the blood-giving to be difficult – emotional at best. In fact it had gone a lot more smoothly than either of them had anticipated. At least, Yuki thought so.

Zero had been overwhelmed, she knew, but just comparing the look on his face as he pulled back from her last night, to the way he’d looked the first time, a month ago, she thought he might actually be okay. Given time, he would come to terms with it. And she would be there to help him through it all.

Yuki wondered if he might start to like it. She remembered how he’d held on to her afterwards. He had not wanted to let go of her any more than she had. She had liked the feel of him there, the way the intimacy of the act had eventually overridden the pain that came with it. With his mouth pressed against her neck, and her mouth almost as close to his, the temptation to bite him in return had been strong. But she had been too resolved not to let that feeling take over. She did her best to hold on to that resolve throughout and to just let his closeness be enough. This way she hoped that in her blood he would taste only her happiness at being there with him. She had hoped that would make it easier for him, and afterwards she’d had a feeling it had worked.

Now she could not help wondering how their friendship might continue to progress. Blood drinking would have to become a regular thing for Zero, and Yuki was entirely happy to help him with that. The thought of such regular intimacy with him thrilled her. As she wondered what Zero thought about it now, she had to stop herself from getting carried away with her imagining.

When she woke, after only a few hours of sleep, she was already filled with anticipation just knowing that she and Zero were okay again. That she could go to him and he wouldn’t turn away. Because he’d promised he wouldn’t do that anymore.

But though she wasted no time getting out of bed, it took even less time than that to realise that things weren’t going to play out like in her fantasies today. She was only part way down the hall when she realised that Zero had somehow managed to sleep even later than her. At least, she thought he was sleeping. As she stood outside his door she couldn’t hear anything more from inside than the steady sound of his breathing.

She shouldn’t knock. Though she was itching to, there was no reason for it. Not when she was so certain he was sleeping. Yuki began to feel a little embarrassed at how she had rushed out so eagerly to see him. She hadn’t even changed out of her pyjamas. It was entirely silly of her. True, yesterday Zero had admitted to missing her and he had been more open with her than ever before, but that did not mean he shared the same ridiculous enthusiasm for seeing her as she did for him. _Silly_ , she told herself as she continued down the hall and made her way downstairs. _Idiot_.

A few minutes later Yuki took a seat at the kitchen table with a freshly made cup of tea. Grumpily (though she was perhaps a little more annoyed at herself, than at him) she asked herself how Zero could still be sleeping at this hour. Was he really that lazy?

She got her answer some time later, as she was midway through both a magazine that had been left out on the table, and her second cup of tea. Zero was covering a yawn as he entered the room. Yuki tried not to say anything about it but, _really_ , he’d gone to sleep _hours_ before she had.

Zero blinked down at her, eyeing her pyjamas, and Yuki bristled at the expression he was wearing. She stared back at him defiantly, confident in her right to wear pink bunny pyjamas if she wanted to. It was not as though he was much more dressed up than her, in joggers and a t-shirt. Anyway, he said nothing about it, choosing to greet her normally instead.

“Sleep well?” Yuki asked him. She wondered if her attempt to sound more casual than she really felt sounded as obvious to him as it did to her.

“Yeah…” If he was on to her then her then she couldn’t tell, as he had already turned away from her and crossed the kitchen. He grabbed the kettle, filled it with water and then set it to boil. Then he went to one of the cupboards and opened it. She watched him rooting through it, and was already trying to fight off thoughts that he might be acting differently towards her than he had last night. The logical part of her brain told her that she was not allowed to have thoughts like that, at least until he’d had some time to wake up properly. The not quite so logical part – the part that had been fantasising instead of letting her get to sleep earlier today – was already disappointed that he hadn’t hugged her again as soon as he’d seen her. She was going to have to give that part of her brain a stern talking to when she had a moment.

Zero found what he’d been looking for in the cupboard and turned back to Yuki. “Coffee?” He asked her, holding the packet for her to see. Yuki nodded.

It was enough that he was talking to her, right? Last week he had refused to even be in the same room as her, and now he was making her coffee. That was good. It was fantastic. So what if he wasn’t holding her hand? Yuki needed to get a grip, and fast, because yesterday had been an exceptional circumstance. Even if it had given Yuki a taste of the kind of closeness she longed for with Zero… She had told him that she wanted to be friends. She could not suddenly go demanding more than that from him.

An empty mug was placed on the table in front of her and Yuki blinked out of her reverie to see Zero had made the coffee already. He placed the steaming pot between them, along with a second mug for himself. “You okay?” he asked, peering down at her.

Yuki nodded. “Uh, yeah… um, I just haven’t woken up properly yet, I think.”

“Same here…”

He went to the fridge to get the milk out for Yuki, and then he came back and sat down next to her. Yuki found herself smiling. 

“This place is weirdly quiet,” Zero said.

“Because the Headmaster isn’t here? He left a note…” Yuki stopped explaining as she remembered that the note had been left on the fridge, so Zero would have already seen it. It didn’t say much, just that he might be back late.

“Yeah, I saw. He said he’d make dinner when he gets back but… fuck that.”

“Huh?”

Yuki watched as he poured coffee into his cup before explaining, “I can cook. Are you hungry?” He nudged the coffee towards her and she took it, but did not pour any for herself.

“You’ll cook?” She was fairly certain that she hadn’t misheard him, but she felt the need to check anyway.

“Well I’m not going to let you do it.” Yuki just stared at Zero as he took a sip of his coffee before going on. “If you’re not interested then feel free to wait for the Headmaster. Whatever he has in store for us tonight will be delightful, I’m sure.”

“Hey, I’m not saying no! You’ve just never offered to cook before, that’s all.”

Zero shrugged.

“I can’t believe you can cook and we’ve been eating ‘Kaien-style’ cuisine all this time.”

That made him smirk. “Careful. I’m sensing some pent-up frustration here… it doesn’t sound like you at all.”

“Shut up! I can’t believe this. Okay, if whatever you cook right now is good then you have got a lot of making up to do for this.”

His expression was unimpressed, but Yuki could see the traces of amusement there still as he answered, “I’m getting the feeling that I should just take back that offer while I still can.”

“It’s too late already. What’s for breakfast, Zero?”

In the end – after a lot of eye-rolling – Zero made omelettes for them both, and they were just beautiful in their simplicity really. The last time Yuki had eaten omelette it’d had banana in it. It was far from the worst thing she’d eaten at the Academy, but would it have killed Kaien to just put some kind of vegetable or cheese or something into it instead?  Yuki could not even remember the last normal homecooked meal she’d had.

Afterwards, Yuki did the dishes. She turned to Zero as she let the hot water run and froth up into glistening white bubbles in the sink. “That was really great. I can’t tell you how much I needed that.”

“Yeah,” Zero said, pouring himself another cup of coffee. “I think I did too. I didn’t realise it had been so long I last cooked... I guess I don’t think about it so much when I need… you know…”

When he needed blood. Yuki hadn’t really put that together before but now she thought about it, he had seemed less and less interested in normal food in the weeks before both times he’d taken blood from her.

“Oh… That’s why?”

“Well… amongst other things.” The shift in Zero’s demeanour that suggested he was uncomfortable was nearly imperceptible, but Yuki noticed it. “The Headmaster’s food isn’t appealing at the best of times – Hey, watch what you’re doing there…”

Yuki turned at Zero’s sudden gesture behind her and she fumbled to turn off the tap before the bubbles in the sink could start to spill over. “Ah! I forgot about that.”

Yuki turned back to look at Zero again. He was quiet, sipping coffee, so she said, “I hope you won’t do that again. I get so worried when you don’t take care of yourself.”

She thought he might not answer but he did, quietly, after a few seconds, “Yeah… I know… I don’t do that on purpose. Sometimes I just… can’t.” He made an annoyed sound and then muttered, “Why am I talking about this again? As if I didn’t whine at you enough yesterday.”

“Zero… you can talk to me about anything.”

“No. I can’t.”

Yuki must have looked hurt because Zero sighed and added, “It’s not _you_. I just don’t want to talk about shit like _that_.”

“Talking might help, though.”

“It won’t… seriously.”

For the most part, Zero’s impassive expression hadn’t changed. But it was like before, when she had sensed he felt uncomfortable; somehow, she knew he was feeling sad. It was in his eyes. Yuki wanted to hug him, but she wasn’t sure if that was okay now. It wasn’t like last night, when he had always been within arm’s reach. A hug had not seemed like such a huge gesture then. Well, it _had_ , but not like this – not _striding-across-the-room-and-grabbing-him_ huge. Right now, Zero was leaning against the countertop, several paces away and he was already brushing off her attempts to help. So it might annoy him, she thought.

Yuki put a stop to those thoughts before they could take hold in her mind. She wanted to hug him. She wanted to, and she had not made it this far with him with the impulses she’d ignored.

She crossed the space between them and slid her arms around his torso, and Zero, to her relief, let her do it. He put his arms around her and hugged back.

But then he murmured, “You don’t have to, you know… You don’t have to be so kind to me all the time.”

Yuki wondered if it was meant as a gentle way of asking her not to carry on. She hesitated a moment and then asked, “Do you want me to stop?” She looked up into his face, and he did look gentle. She felt as though she might be the only person who knew how well that word fitted him. He shook his head. The words he’d said to her yesterday, ‘ _All I wanted was to see you,_ ’ played again in her head, as they had been doing since she’d heard them. She hugged him tighter and felt him respond the same way.

“I didn’t mean to pry,” she mumbled against his chest. “I just wanted you to know that I don’t mind you talking to me. Ever. About anything. Especially if it might help in any way.”

“I appreciate that. But I don’t need it.” Yuki figured that if Zero really felt that way then it was okay. At least he knew how she felt about it, so he could change his mind any time he wanted to. In that moment, holding on to him, she felt content for that to be the end of it. But then Zero said something that surprised her, “It’s enough… Just being like this with you is enough.”

Yuki felt her stomach flip at the words, butterflies erupted inside her. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know if she should look at him, because she didn’t want her obvious surprise to make things awkward. Because it sounded like… like he felt the same way she did: as though, in his arms like this, nothing else mattered. She’d be okay for as long as she got to stay this way. But she hadn’t thought Zero felt like that.

What if that was changing though? And they weren’t just becoming friends… What if they were becoming something more?

“Hey I can see you turning red down there. Did I embarrass you?”

Yuki’s head snapped back so fast she narrowly avoided butting Zero in the chin. Which really would have been embarrassing. The tone of Zero’s question had been dry, poking fun at her, but she could see uncertainty in his features – like he was worried he’d said too much. It made Yuki smile. “No,” she insisted. “It’s just… I’m really happy you feel that way.”

Then, looking down at her, Zero smiled. Just a small smile, but to Yuki, it felt huge. The first of its kind she had ever seen. It was nothing like the smirks she’d glimpsed from time to time, when he was making fun of her. Nor was it like the sarcastic ones, or the ones so bitter they couldn’t really be called smiles at all. The tender look in Zero’s eyes was something new. Something beautiful and rare and it made all the love in her rush up to the surface. She felt sure she must be glowing with it all. It filled her so much she didn’t know what to do with it.

She wanted to tell him, and God, she really, really wanted to kiss him. But she didn’t. She had become too used to being cautious with Zero. She didn’t know what he wanted, or at what point it all might become too much, too soon for him. It seemed her bravery in going with her impulses fell short at anything beyond holding hands or hugging. When it came to pushing any further than that, she didn’t want to risk it.

Maybe he already knew. She suspected that he did. He had tasted her blood, after all, and she wasn’t sure she really knew how to hide her feelings when they were so intense. She had been so close to him, and she had been so emotional that night, so relieved to have him back… He must have tasted that. But he had not said anything. That, she figured, was a good sign that he was not ready to talk about it. She would respect it.

Maybe she was just being a coward.

But that didn’t matter right now, really. She was here, with him, holding him tight. For the moment, it was like he’d said: it was enough.

*

“Yori’s back today,” Yuki told Zero, several days later.

Zero looked up only briefly from the book he was reading. They were alone at the dining table. Their plates from the meal they had just finished were stacked up and pushed to the side. It was Yuki’s turn to wash up again, and she _would_ get to it eventually, she just had yet to muster up the will. Kaien had rushed off somewhere as soon as he’d finished eating. He was suddenly busier now that school was starting up again soon. It made Yuki wonder if he had been slacking off a little over break for her sake.

“You going to see her?” Zero asked.

Yuki wasn’t sure that she could. “Well… She’s not on duty today, right? Didn’t the Headmaster ask you to do it alone tonight?”

It was still a few days until term started, and only a handful of pupils had arrived back at the Academy already. Yori was one of the few who wanted time to settle back into the dorm before classes resumed. The rest most likely wanted to enjoy their break while they still could. Zero had agreed to do a short patrol of the school grounds, but there was no need for Yori to help when so few students were about.

“Yeah… I’ll head out in an hour or so. You should go see Wakaba.”

“You mean in her dorm?” Yuki had never been to Yori’s dorm before. They always met outside. Yuki knew that Yori had a roommate, but she’d never met her. She didn’t think Yori’s roommate was coming back for another few days. Yori had said something about that, Yuki was sure. “Is it okay if I do that?”

Zero shrugged. “Probably.”

She had hoped for a little more certainty in his answer. The dorms were student’s homes during term time. Yuki thought it seemed slightly invasive to go in there without any real invitation. “Zero, really?”

“You two are friends,” he said as though that excused any potential rule breaking. Yuki was not quite convinced, but he went on, “It’s not as if you’d be getting in trouble with either of the prefects.”

“Do you know where Yori’s dorm room is?”

“No…” Zero put his book down and looked at her properly. “But I could probably find out.” He got to his feet, “Come on.”

Yuki was intrigued. She followed Zero into Kaien’s study.

“I had to help sign in the early arrivals today,” he said as he began rifling through papers on Kaien’s desk. “There was a list.”

After a few more seconds of looking, Zero found what he was looking for. He picked up the paper, scanned it quickly, and then said, “If I just give you Wakaba’s room number then is that going to mean anything to you?”

“Uh…”

Zero rolled his eyes and put the paper back, saying, “That’s what I thought. Come on.”

“Wait, you’re coming too?”

“I figure it’ll save you getting lost… What? You don’t want me to?”

“Huh? No, come! I just wasn’t expecting it is all.”

“I don’t really have anything better to do right now.” He was already heading towards the door.

“I thought you were doing homework.”

Zero stopped long enough to turn and give her a pointed look. Then he was stepping out of the study without any further response. Yuki guessed that meant he’d do it later. She hurried after him.

*

Having Zero as a guide was a good idea, Yuki realised as they made their way through one of the corridors of the Cross Academy dormitories. Yuki didn’t know where she was. The corridors they had passed through all looked the same to her. But the layout of the girls’ dorm must have been like that of the boys’, where Zero had lived up until a few months ago, so he seemed to have no problem with it. Yuki figured it was good that he had being a prefect as an excuse if anyone caught them wondering around where they weren’t supposed to be. There could be any reason he might need to speak to Yori. Yuki did not know what her excuse would be, so it was a good thing no one did stop them. The halls were mostly empty and Zero found Yori’s room with no problems.

Yori seemed surprised when she opened her door to find Yuki on the other side. And then she seemed even more surprised when she spotted Zero a bit further back. But she didn’t say anything about it. She just smiled, happy to see them. Yuki was so happy to see her friend, she lunged forwards and pulled her into a hug.

“Yori! I missed you!”

Yori laughed. “I missed you too, Yuki.” She stepped back. “It’s so good to see you both. Come in.” Yuki did just that, but Zero hung behind, causing Yori to prompt him with a smile, “Zero, you too.”

Yuki grinned as Zero stepped wordlessly into the room, “We’ll try not to bore you too much.”

Zero gave her a look, but chose not to respond to the jibe. He didn’t really need to though, Yuki knew he’d just been trying to be polite, thinking of school rules about boys in girls’ rooms and such. But joining them in Yori’s room was a lot less suspicious than lurking outside the door. He must have realised that too, after his initial hesitation.

If being inside Yori’s room for the first time was at all strange, then that was nothing compared to being there with Zero. Yuki kept looking around, noticing the small touches in the room that Yori had left to make the space her own. Whatever luggage she’d brought with her had already been packed away. There was a vase of sweet smelling flowers on one of the desks. The two girls made a habit of exchanging books so Yuki recognised many of the titles on the shelves. And then there was Zero, looking as though he was trying to fade into the background, but failing magnificently at it; simply because he was Zero, and Yuki’s eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to him.

“How was your holiday?” Yuki asked, pulling her gaze back to Yori, who was already looking between the other two with a smile that Yuki would have demanded an explanation for if Zero hadn’t been right there with them.

Yuki took a seat on Yori’s bed and Yori settled down beside her. She gestured at a desk chair that Zero could use if he wished, but he shook his head, indicating that he preferred to stand.

“It was fine. Nothing special, really,” Yori answered. “I read a lot… finished all my homework in the first few days. I suppose it was nice to relax so much. Though it was a little lonely.”

Now Yuki thought about it, Yori had never said anything about having friends back home. She didn’t seem to have many friends here either, besides Yuki. Maybe that was why they got on so well. They understood each other in that respect.

“Didn’t you see much of your family?”

“Oh, I did. But they were still rather busy. Working most of the time.”

“Oh…” The news saddened Yuki. She wished she could have been there to ease her friend’s loneliness. She’d been lonely enough herself during the week Zero had refused to speak to her. “I hope you enjoyed the books…”

Yuki’s response felt a little bit lame even to her, but Yori smiled. “I really did! I finally finished that one you lent to me. The one about the sisters who live in that creepy old house.”

“Ah, finally! What did you think?”

“Very odd… but I enjoyed it a lot.” Yori turned to Zero.  Not wanting to exclude him, she asked, “Did you ever read it?”

“I don’t think so.”

Yuki grinned. “Well, you’re next!” Zero just raised an eyebrow in response.

“What about you two? How were your breaks?”

Yuki looked to Zero who just shrugged. Yuki was surprised by how different he was around people other than her. He was never what you would call talkative, but at least he’d usually answer her questions with words. Not always, but usually.

Yuki answered Yori, “It was kind of eventful, I guess… Zero and I got into a huge fight. But we made up.”

Now Zero was prompted into talking, “ _Yuki_ …” He was frowning at her.

“What?” Yuki turned her most innocent look on him.

He wasn’t buying it. “Don’t just say things like that as though I’m not even here.”

“But that’s what happened… more or less.”

“There’s no need to announce it so casually.”

“I know that. But Yori doesn’t mind, right?”

She looked to Yori, but Zero grumbled an answer first, “ _I_ mind.”

He was already giving up though. Yuki could tell he didn’t mind enough to argue much further than that.

Yori piped up with, “Don’t worry, Zero. I won’t make Yuki tell me about it. I’m just glad you made up.”

“Just change the subject,” Zero grouched at Yuki and she obliged.

They didn’t stay with Yori for long. Zero had still had to make the rounds to check no one was out after curfew. Yuki offered to help him and was ridiculously happy when he accepted. It only the same old task she performed every night with Yori, but it seemed like a new thing with Zero. And that was enough to make it exciting.

The Academy was as it usually was in the evenings. Quiet, no students about that they could see. But both she and Zero were content to walk about, even if there was nothing much to do. They walked in pleasant silence through the moonlit grounds. And perhaps the only way it could have been more perfect would be if Zero took Yuki’s hand. But was just fanciful thinking on her part and, anyway, perfection did not matter to Yuki. An evening spent catching up with her best friend, followed by a moonlit walk with the boy she loved was pretty wonderful as it was. Even if she could not quite tell whether that boy might possibly love her back. He wanted to be there with her. That alone was all she had dreamed of at one point.

Yuki’s happy thoughts were interrupted as Zero asked her, “Do you ever think about telling her the truth?” Yuki blinked up at him in surprise so he elaborated, “Wakaba, I mean. Do you ever want to tell her about vampires?”

“I’m not allowed to, right?” she replied. “I was told when I came here that my being a vampire had to be a secret from any humans I might meet… Of course, I’d want to tell her if I could.” Yuki looked to Zero to see if he disapproved, but she couldn’t tell from his expression. “I know there are some who would find it scary, but I think Yori would be okay. She’d understand, I think.”

“Yeah…” Zero agreed quietly, “You might be right.”

“There are times when I think she knows already,” Yuki told him. “Not anything specific. But I think she knows there’s something not normal about me. And she’s okay with it. She gets that I’d tell her if I could. And she doesn’t even need to say anything about it. She’s smart like that… I’m really glad I met her.”

“I think she probably feels the same way about you,” Zero said, making Yuki smile. “But it’s strange, when you think about it… A human and a pureblood vampire being such good friends.”

“Stranger than a vampire and a hunter being friends?” Yuki countered.

“Right…This whole situation is strange, I guess.”

“It’s not bad though.”

“I guess not…” Even as he said it, Yuki wasn’t sure that Zero looked entirely convinced. She tried not to let it get to her. It was still something he was getting used to, all this. And he was doing so well at it these days, she didn’t want to complain. But maybe she could help a bit. Maybe she could explain…

“I used to have these lessons, you know – physics,” she wrinkled her nose a little, “not my best subject - too many numbers involved. But I remember learning once about space, the life cycle of stars... when they die, they explode... you know this already?”

Zero gave her a questioning look but he nodded, “Yeah… and it’s relevant because...?”

“Right, well you know that all the atoms in the universe came from those explosions, billions of years ago! Every single thing is made up of bits of dead star. So you know what that means? All of this is nonsense, really – vampires... humans... we’re all the same – all stardust.”

She smiled at him and for a second he stared back at her. Then, to her surprise, he laughed.

He tried to hide it, as if something so rare should not be seen by anyone. He bowed his head, covered his face with his hand. But she heard the tiny sound of his soft chuckle; saw the corner of his mouth slightly raised as it peaked out from under his palm.

“What can I say to that?” he said and she tried to be shocked, but she couldn’t help grinning.

“What?” she laughed, “I think it’s beautiful!”

“I think... you’re an idiot,” he said, but she could still hear laughter in his voice and then he added softly, quietly, so she almost couldn’t hear, “But… it’s sort of beautiful that you think that way.”

*

In the following days, Zero started back at school again. It was hard for him, Yuki could see. He had a lot to make up for. The last term had ended so badly for him, with all progress he’d struggled to make suddenly crumbling in one moment. Yuki still wasn’t free of the guilt she felt over the incident. Zero had forgiven her, told her there was nothing to forgive as she couldn’t have helped what happened anyway. Yuki still felt that she should have been more careful about taking blood tablets. She would not make the same mistake again, and made sure to take them regularly, maybe more regularly than necessary. It was better to be safe, she figured. Kaien helped her, using his connections to keep the house well stocked with tablets. She tried her best not to let on how many she needed at once though. She felt a little embarrassed about it.

Even through her guilt Yuki couldn’t help but appreciate how everything that had happened had brought her and Zero so much closer. Sometimes the thought, the being happy about it made her feel guilty – it was awful, what had happened – but good had come out of it, and sometimes she let herself revel in it. With every day she was able to let go of more of her doubts over Zero. She didn’t hesitate so long when she wanted to touch him. She didn’t worry so much that she might be annoying him. He was accepting her in a way that she was finally starting to really believe in.

And it didn’t fix everything, their closeness, but it must have made some of it easier. Zero still found school exhausting and sometimes he still had nightmares that kept him up throughout the night, left him not wanting to face the day, but Yuki’s support for him throughout it all was unwavering. She was in a better position for it now, because the boundaries between them were not the same as they used to be. If Zero came home not wanting to talk then she could hold him instead. Before they realised, it had become normal for them; the touching. They touched all the time. Even if it was only small, subtle, it was whenever they could get away with it. As though neither of them ever really wanted to let go. 

The question Yuki had been asking herself since that first evening in the kitchen never went away. She had thought it might, at first. She’d figured it would become clear enough were she stood with Zero over time. But instead she found herself asking it more and more, nearly every time they were together: does he feel it too? At times the love was an ache in her chest. She hardly knew how to contain it. And every time she asked herself if this friendship had finally become more than friendship, she felt sure of it; the answer was yes. But for it to progress that one step further, if their relationship was to become a romantic one, then someone would have to make the first move.  

She wanted it to be him. She didn’t know if that was cowardly of her, or if it just seemed better that way. She’d know she wasn’t pushing him into something that was too much for him. Yuki felt as if she’d known him forever, it was hard to think that only a few months ago, Zero had hated her on principle. They were natural enemies, born from two different races that had been at war for longer than Yuki could really comprehend. If they were to go against that then it would be huge. In the small world of the Academy, it was easy to forget about it. Yuki was just a girl here. She’d just fallen in love, and yes, _that_ was huge, it was everything she could manage to think about most of the time. But here, it didn’t have to matter, not to anyone but her. And Zero, if he wanted it too. But take this outside the walls of Cross Academy, take it out to the world of vampires and hunters, and Yuki could see why Zero would hesitate. She wouldn’t blame him if he wanted no part of it.

But if he did… want it… then nothing beyond that would matter. She’d take on the whole world for him. She was ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the chapter was okay after the wait... thanks for reading. I'd love it if you could leave a comment!  
> (Chapter title from The Waiting by Angel Olsen)


	32. Unless you step out into the light

It did not take long for Yuki to notice that her and Zero’s relationship was not the only thing to have changed in recent weeks. Ever since the night that he’d escorted her to Yori’s dorm room, Yuki had noticed that he and Yori seemed to be becoming friends. Yori told her that they often sat together at lunch. He wasn’t any more talkative than usual, but Yori had never minded the quiet. She appreciated how Zero was good company once you got used to his demeanour. Yuki could hardly have been more pleased for them both. She did wish a little that she could join them during this time. But mostly she was happy for them both finding one less reason to feel lonely.

Spending more time outside of school hours with both of them was lovely, now that Zero would occasionally meet up with them during patrol. But it did leave Yuki needing some girl talk. Specifically, it was the subject of whatever was going on between her and Zero that needed addressing. Yuki’s feelings for him were so close to spilling over these days. She never felt certain that it was something he could be ready to hear, but she had to tell someone.

It was fortunate, in this respect, that Zero was never entirely reliable when it came to performing prefect duties. If needed during that time, he could often be tracked down in his usual napping spot in the stables. But Yori didn’t tend to mind being left to walk the school grounds with Yuki. And one of these nights Yuki decided that she was very happy to finally just come out with it, “Remember when you suggested that I might be falling for Zero?”

Yori gave her friend a very interested look. “Did something happen between you two?”

“Not exactly… I mean, no particular _thing_ happened. Not yet.” Yuki felt herself becoming flustered under Yori’s scrutinising gaze. “Not that I’m so sure something _is_ going to happen. But… I want it to. The ‘falling’ part is done already. I’m all the way there and I don’t think I could possibly go back. And I have no idea what to do about it.”

Yori seemed slightly amused by the slight note of alarm in Yuki’s voice, but she did her best to answer her seriously. “Does Zero feel the same way, you think?”

Yuki’s eyes were wide. “I don’t know. Sometimes I think… but honestly, I’ve no idea how to judge something like that.”

“There must be signs.”

They had been leisurely following the path leading towards the school gardens as they spoke and now, as they approached a bench Yori stopped walking. She took a seat and gestured to Yuki to do the same.

“Signs?” Yuki questioned as she followed Yori’s lead. She was relieved by Yori’s clear intent to give the matter her full attention.

“Yuki, you know that I’m not very experienced with this sort of thing myself, don’t you? I can only really guess. But personally, I don’t think he’s quite the same as he used to be. I’m not sure if friendly is the right word… but it’s something along those lines. You see him most, so what do you think?”

“I think… It’s more than that. He’s different when it’s just the two of us. More open than I ever see him with anyone else. But that could be friendship, couldn’t it?”

Yori looked uncertain. “Maybe… what if you just told him how you feel?”

“You think I should? Like just confess? I don’t… I don’t know if I could do that.”

“Why not? You don’t think he’d be scared off so easily?”

Yuki looked out into the trees, swaying black against the twilit sky. “That’s exactly it.”

Yori was quiet for a moment, giving Yuki’s admission some thought. Then she replied, “I suppose he is rather sensitive in some respects… But I don’t know. I kind of think he likes you too.”

Yuki’s head whipped around. “You do? What makes you think that?”

“Just watching you both together.” Yori was smiling again now. “That’s the feeling I get. I mean, I can tell he’s trying not to be obvious about it – but it’s _obvious_. You must have noticed it at some point.”

She never _stopped_ noticing it. But she wanted it too much. She couldn’t quite bring herself to believe that she wasn’t imaging it all, or just reading too much into meaningless details. “When… whenever I want to hold his hand… or just to touch him in some small way - just to feel him near me – he never pulls away. I think that must be because he likes it.”

“Well that should have been your first clue,” Yori grinned. “Yuki, he _likes_ you!”

Yori’s words sent a thrill through her, but it all felt so dangerous. Yuki tried to explain, “I just didn’t want to get my hopes up about it.”

“What if those hopes have every right to be there? Are you really just planning to wait around until he comes to you?” Yuki didn’t have to answer; the look on her face said it all. “Yuki, you don’t have to do that. If you want something, then you are allowed to ask for it. Even if the answer turns out not to be the one you’d like… you’ll be okay. And I’ll still be here for you if it comes to that.”

And this was the point Yuki realised that she had been letting her hopes rise higher than she’d ever meant them to – because she’d never thought of it that way. She had always been so busy worrying about Zero, and what it might do to him if she pushed too hard, that she had barely considered how devastated she would be if he rejected her now. Had she let things go too far between them already? This wasn’t like what she had come so close to losing last time. It would hurt so much more.

“Yuki, please don’t look so worried.” The alarm displayed across Yori’s face only came into focus after she spoke. Yuki blinked and looked down to her hands, anxiously clutching at the hem of her dress. 

“I don’t think I can do it, Yori. Maybe it would be better just to stay friends anyway. There would be so many complications to making it into anything more.”

Two more hands appeared in her line of vision, and gently, they pulled her fingers away from the crumpled fabric and held onto them. “But would you be happy like that? Just carrying on without ever being honest about your feelings?”

Yuki frowned. “I- I just… want to be someone he can rely on,” she mumbled.

“He can still rely on you if you tell him the truth.” Now Yori was frowning too.

“I know that’s true… that it’s possible. But I might scare him.”

“What makes you think that?”

“It scares _me_.”

“Yuki…”

Yuki looked up into the sympathetic eyes of her best friend. “Sorry. I’m not being very brave, am I?”

“There’s still plenty of time left for bravery,” Yori smiled. “I can’t relate to this situation, as I have no experience of my own, but I think I get where you’re coming from. It must be quite a big, scary sort of feeling… But, based on the way the two of you are together, I don’t think you have anything to worry about because I don’t think you’re someone he would want to lose.”

Yuki remembered Zero’s promise to her the night they reconciled. He’d said he wouldn’t run away again. He wouldn’t have assured her of his certainty if it had been a promise he didn’t intend to keep. Yuki allowed herself to consider the possibility that, along with all the other ways their relationship had changed since then, it could have become stronger.

“I’m being really silly about this, aren’t I? I’m just letting myself be carried away by these insecurities.”

“You should talk to him about it,” Yori told her firmly. “Not right now, if you aren’t ready, but soon. Because I could go all night trying to reassure you about this, but I know that it’s his reassurances you want. He’s the only one who can give you that.”

Yuki let out a small, slightly relieved sounding sigh and looked up into the darkening sky. “You’re right.” Then she whipped her head back around and peered at Yori. “How do you know all these things? Yori, you’re really smart, you know.”

Yori laughed. “Honestly, Yuki, I just think you’re a good person. You look out for people, so I want to see you looking out for yourself too. And so would Zero, I think, if he knew how you were feeling.”

Yuki nodded slowly. “I don’t want to rush it though.”

“There’s no need to. Anyway, I’m just saying what I think. In the end, it’s your decision.”

Yuki just nodded again, and her expression was thoughtful. There was a lot to process, but she snapped out of it before she could really get into that. “Thank you, Yori. Really, I think I’d probably be going nuts without someone to talk to about all this.”

“I get the impression that’s already been happening. Don’t stew over these things so much okay? You can always talk to me.”

“Yori…” Yuki looked over at her friend and, feeling a rush of love and gratitude come over her, she pulled her into a hug.

*

This was one of the good days. It was late, but Zero didn’t have school the next day. They had been talking for a long time and Yuki had been telling stories about her childhood. Zero never talked about that kind of thing, but Yuki didn’t mind. It was just easier for her. The happy memories didn’t hurt so much. She found it harder to talk about more recent times, the period that had led to her coming here, rather than her childhood. She liked to remember what she could of being small, back when her parents were still alive.

Zero seemed to enjoy the stories too. She liked it when he laughed. It didn’t happen often and she felt like she’d never get enough of it. But those rare moments, when she told him about some silly thing she’d done or said as a kid, and it made him smile to think of it – she treasured every one of them.

They had grown quiet now, but there was music playing softly in the background. Yuki loved the song that had just started, and she loved how, when she went quiet and a tiny smile appeared on her face, Zero knew it and he listened too. The music was slow and dreamy, just like she felt, being here with him in the dimly lit small hours of the morning. They were sharing a couch and Yuki had her legs pulled up onto the seat. She’d angled herself to face Zero as she’d been speaking earlier and now she let her head fall to the side to rest against the back of the chair. It brought her face closer to his than she had expected. He was resting his head back against the cushion too, but facing forwards. If he turned to face her then there would be just a few inches left between them. Yuki’s mind started down a familiar track…

“What is it?” he asked her eventually and she blinked, slowly slipping from daydream to reality. She smiled because at moments like these there seemed to be little difference between the two. She didn’t even mind that she had been caught staring.

She was surprised that he had asked, but only because her head was so filled with the reason that she had felt sure it was obvious; that he could hear it in the way she spoke or see it displayed clearly on her face. Or in the way her heart started to thud louder when, finally, he did turn. And it was as she’d suspected: he was so close to her now. Two clear amethyst eyes stared into hers.

She wondered if she had the courage to say it out loud... She’d been thinking about it for so long. Wanting it more and more with every moment she spent with him. And with Yori’s words spurring her on she did feel braver. There was nothing in the way he treated her these days that suggested he wasn’t feeling the same way. Wanting more from her, but too shy to admit it… She was almost too shy too, and she almost didn’t say it. But everything about this moment seemed to be telling her to put those fears to the side and answer his question honestly. So, with a small smile, the words came tumbling out, “I was hoping that you might kiss me.”

She grinned to hide her nerves and blushed fiercely and he just looked at her. Somehow, despite everything, he hadn’t been expecting her to say it either. She could tell. There were no walls blocking view of his real feelings, which were regret. Sorrow. He hadn’t been thinking about it, like she had. _Sorry_ , the look in his eyes was saying, _but I can’t._

She wasn’t sure what she had been expecting from him. But disappointment rippled through her anyway.

He couldn’t do it… His sad look made her want to try to smile for him. It couldn’t be helped if he felt that way. He didn’t have to be sad for her – or was he sad for himself? For them both?  She kept looking at his face. He couldn’t do it but… there was nothing there saying he didn’t want to, just that he couldn’t. It gave her an idea. “But what if I...” And then she leaned over and brushed her lips against his in the softest of kisses.

When she moved back, Zero still hadn’t moved, his pale violet eyes just visible under low cast silvery eyelashes. “Was that… are you okay?” she breathed, so quiet that he was only able to hear because she was so close to him.

A few seconds passed. “I…” he broke off. The little crease between his eyebrows appeared like he’d been set in slow motion. Yuki just held his hand, patient as she waited for him to find the words she knew he wanted to tell her. The emotion on his face was having the usual effect on her. Because he really did look so sad… She felt the prickling threat of tears, but refused to allow them to come, lest they distract Zero from what he wanted to say. But he looked up as if he knew anyway. Only a few more seconds passed and then he murmured, “It’s only that you’re so… warm… so soft…” Those lashes of his fluttered down again. He couldn’t make himself look at her as he tried to explain. “I’ve never known anyone like you…”

Yuki looked at this boy before her, whose life had been all fists and sharp objects, guns and fangs, who took snatches of sleep during hours of sunlight, hidden away in barns or at the back of classrooms – because of how the darkness wasn’t safe, how the darkness wanted to devour him. This boy who had never, in such a long time, known tenderness…

And this wonderful, magical thing that was growing between them… Yuki didn’t think she’d ever known something quite so precious herself. She knew it was fragile, but she found its beauty irresistible; she couldn’t help but reach out for it and try to hold it with the gentlest touch she could manage. But Zero, after everything, of course he would be afraid that it would shatter in his fingertips.

“It’s okay, Zero,” she told him. Her voice was barely more than a whisper. It didn’t feel right to speak any louder at this moment. “If you can’t then… that’s okay… I can wait. If you want, then I can wait for as long as you need me to.”

“Yuki…” But Zero didn’t know what to say. He bowed his head, resting it against her shoulder. And Yuki, trying not to let herself feel the disappointment that had rushed in, put her arms around him and pulled him closer.

And so she waited. Weeks passed, and she waited. She found it didn’t matter just how long it took, because he was there too. Zero was waiting with her through it all. Every day she could see him, learning how to be with her. And, even if it wasn’t always easy, it was still beautiful. Every moment of it.

*

It didn’t change as much as she had thought it might. The kiss. _Almost_ kiss. Yuki wasn’t sure if it counted when their lips had brushed so lightly, for so short a time – when she had been so shy and Zero had not been ready for it anyway. There were times when she could think of little else, his lips had been a little dry. She’d felt that, and that they were warm, but she hadn’t tasted him. She’d wanted to. There hadn’t been much to it at all but, even so, just to recall it was enough to set her heart racing every time.

Zero was very good about it. He didn’t make her feel like she had made a mistake, or revealed some huge secret that she wished she could take back but never could. He was the same as always, except sometimes she thought he was looking at her like he was sorry. Like he wished he could make himself do better somehow. But it was good that he hadn’t tried to force it for her, Yuki thought. She knew it couldn’t work like that.  She tried not to wish too much herself. She didn’t want to risk it taking away from what she already had.

Small steps were the way forward, she decided. This was after several weeks when not much had changed at all. They carried on the same as always, with Zero going to school during the day while Yuki slept and then spending the evenings together. Yuki’s feelings weren’t exactly out in the open – they’d never properly spoken about it after she’d told him she would wait – but there was no way he could have not known by now. And Yuki realised that the kiss, real or not, had been the first step. She would have to make more in order to progress. Maybe she would make the first few, but she hoped after that Zero would soon begin to follow.

Perhaps progression should not have been so important. Yuki was not entirely sure if it was against the promise she’d made about waiting, or if actually Zero might be counting on it. It might have been nice for it not to be important. But Yuki could not deny that she wanted it. She craved him. And she knew the probability that this was all down to her love for him being exacerbated by her thirst. She didn’t really know how she was controlling it anymore. She seemed to be managing but the way her thirst and her romantic feelings were overlapping was overwhelming to think about. She had never experienced anything like this. But just as much as Zero was the cause, simply being near him was often enough to soothe the pain of it. She wanted more of it. And there were times when the closest she could be to him just wasn’t close enough.

These moments weren’t Yuki’s best. She worried that the vampire instinct that made her feel this way was the part of her that Zero liked least. She didn’t know if humans ever felt like that. Despite Yori’s offer, she didn’t think she could ask her friend about it; even leaving out the ‘vampire’ part, Yori had never been in love. How could she know? There was no one else she could even consider asking about it. She would just have to keep it to herself and try to keep it all under control.

So, steps. Small ones. They would get there eventually, she hoped, but Yuki had to do her part to make it happen.

*

She met him outside. Early – just as school was finishing – which really was early by Yuki’s standards, especially with spring approaching and the days starting to get longer. She had had to go to bed extra early last night in preparation. Now, Cross Academy students were streaming out into the late afternoon. Some trudged from the school building, carrying bags filled with books in the direction of the library or the dorm rooms. Some stayed in groups around the courtyard, chatting and laughing, while others wondered off to other parts of the school grounds. The sun was shining and it was one of those surprisingly warm end of winter days. The students were happy to take advantage of that.

Yuki had selected a tree to lean against. Its branches had not yet started to bud and the sky was a cool blue beyond them. The sun was just low enough that she was glad for the black sunglasses she had found before coming out. The floppy straw hat she’d found too, might not have been quite as good an idea. She kept having to lift it to squint out across the yard for any sign of Zero. She had attracted a few odd looks in the short time she’d been there. It might have been because of the hat, or possibly because she had paired it, not with a pretty spring dress, but instead with an oversized mac that probably belonged to Kaien. She suspected the hat belonged to him too. It might have seemed strange, but Yuki was not entirely sure about her tolerance for sunlight. She hadn’t had much experience with it, but she didn’t think sunburn sounded very fun. So better to take precautions in that department. Yuki ignored the looks and waited, watching for Zero to emerge.

When he did, it was in typical Zero fashion, sending a group of girls, who had gathered around the entrance of the main building, fleeing to the other side of the courtyard. Yuki was too far away to properly hear what he was yelling about but she gathered that they had been blocking the exit for everyone else.

Yuki started to make her way over to him. About half way there, he spotted her, so she started to wave. “Zero! Hi!” She was beaming.

Zero just stared at her as she approached. She could see him looking her up and down and when she finally came to a stop in front of him he asked bluntly, “What the hell are you wearing?”

“It’s sunny!” was her explanation.

“So, what? You’re going _undercover_ from the daylight?”

“Well, you can’t be too careful.”

“I think you can. This would be a perfect example of just that.” Yuki pouted, but she wasn’t sure that Zero could actually see it under the hat. He ignored her and went on. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“What do you mean? I’m here to meet you of course.”

“In the middle of the afternoon? Where everyone can see you? Is that what the disguise is for? Keeping your identity secret?”

“I told you: It’s sunny! And my identity is fine.” A thought occurred to her that she probably shouldn’t say out loud, but the mocking look on Zero’s face was enough to make her do it anyway, “The students probably just think I’m your girlfriend or something.”

Zero raised an eyebrow and Yuki grinned at him. He’d deserved that, she felt, even if it was a potentially awkward subject. At that moment she had every intention of teasing him further, but Zero beat her to it by reaching out and swiping the hat from her head.

“Hey, that’s mine!” Yuki protested. She reached for it, but he held it up out of her reach with a smirk.

“You look like a really bad private detective.”

“That’s why I’m here. Your wife wants to know why you never come home anymore.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Give me back my hat!”

“You look ridiculous.”

“Sorry, my fedora is being cleaned.” Zero rolled his eyes and Yuki made a swipe for the hat again, but it was no good. He was too tall.

“Why did you come out here to see me, again?”

Yuki sighed. She was sure they’d discussed this already last night. Zero was being uncharacteristically slow today. “You were going to take me into town today.”

“I was?”

“ _Yes_. So if we go now then everything will still be open.”

“And you were going to go looking like that?”

“It’s _sunny_!”

And Zero must have reached his capacity for sarcasm at that moment because instead of answering her back he just shook his head and laughed. Yuki tried not to feel too pleased with herself, but it was difficult. She failed to stifle a smile before asking, “Can I have my hat back now?”

“Yuki!” She heard a female voice ring out before Zero could respond.

Yuki turned to see Yori approaching and smiled wider. She’d almost forgotten that Yori might be about. “Yori, hi!”

“So it is you! Yuki, why are you dressed so strangely?”

Yuki noticed Zero’s smirk grow wider at Yori’s words and hit him playfully on the arm. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

Yori looked at the two of them with a slightly confused expression, but she seemed pleased by the playful atmosphere between them. Yuki tried to explain her attire as best she could, “I just get sunburn quite easily, that’s all. Or I think I do… I’d rather not risk it.”

None of the puzzlement left Yori’s face at the explanation. “Ah… right… Yuki, you do know that it’s technically still winter, don’t you? I really don’t think there’s much to worry about.”

Yuki was not sure how to respond, she turned to look at Zero and he just seemed like he was trying not to laugh. She turned back to Yori. “Oh.”

But Yori just seemed amused too. She went on, “I’m just surprised to see you out at all. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you about this early before.”

This, Yuki answered immediately, happy to change the subject, “Zero’s taking me to see the town.”

Yori looked impressed, “Oh, really? Like on a date?”

Yuki thought she probably should have been embarrassed by the question – and she was a little bit, but she was also glad to have the word put out there like that. Her intentions made clear. She wanted Zero to know, so he could decide if he wanted it too. She started to grin until Zero answered, “Not really.”

She spun around to face him properly and demanded, “Why _not_ a date?”   

“Why would you _want_ to go on a date with me?”

Yuki gave an exasperated sigh and turned back to Yori, who chuckled at her friend’s obvious choice not do dignify that question with a response. Yuki glanced back at Zero long enough to say, “You stay here. I need to talk to Yori in private for a minute.” Yuki grabbed Yori’s arm and started to lead her away.

“You know, everyone’s looking at you,” Yori whispered as they walked.

Yuki had completely forgotten that there was anyone else about since she’d begun talking to Zero. But now she peered around and realised Yori was right, she was being watched – not necessarily by everyone, but by a fair few. She had certainly never been noticed by so many students at once before. Her face pinkened. “What, is the outfit really that bad?”

“Uh, maybe… but I think it has more to do with you somehow getting Zero to laugh when I don’t think any of us have even seen him smile before.”

“Oh…” Yuki looked away from the staring students and took a moment to process this, then she smiled. She spoke quietly so that Zero would not overhear, “It’s pretty wonderful, isn’t it? The change in him? He can still be as grumpy as ever, but I think he’s happier – I _hope_ he is.”

Yori returned the smile. “This is really great, Yuki… Uh, so this trip into to town – _is_ it a date?”

“Oh, definitely!” Yuki laughed. Her face was flushed pink but she was determined not to let any uncertainty get to her. Things were going well with Zero but she doubted she’d get much further with him if she let embarrassment take over. “Where should I get him to take me?”

“There’s a fantastic café that I’ve been to a couple of times…”

A café sounded like a perfect idea, and Yuki did want to ask for more details, but she was distracted when a shadow fell over her face. She looked up in surprise as she realised that Zero had returned her hat to her.

“Hey,” he said, “I’m not going to just wait around while you stand here, gossiping. Get moving or I’ll go without you.”

And then he did start walking, making for the school gates, and Yuki realised she would have to do without any tips from Yori. “Huh, okay. Bye Yori!”

“See you later, Yuki. Have fun!”

With a smile and a wave to her friend, Yuki turned and hurried to catch up with Zero.

“Hey!” she called out to him. “Don’t go so fast! I know you don’t really want to go without me!”

Zero glanced back at her. “You think so?”

“It was my idea, you jerk!” she complained as she ran the last few steps until she was beside him. “So either way you aren’t getting rid of me.”

“Hmm… I guess I can live with that,” Zero murmured, giving her a small smirk, and she shoved him playfully in response. Yuki didn’t know if her heart had ever felt so light. It was everything, being so easy with Zero like this, seeing him look down at her with real fondness as he joked with her. It was in these moments that it didn’t matter that he couldn’t kiss her. It didn’t feel like moving in slow motion when it was like this: she was already where she wanted to be.

“Come on,” Zero went on, “We should get out of here before anyone notices us leaving.”

“Oh, I already told the Headmaster where we were going. He gave me a list of things to pick up while we’re out, so technically we’re on an errand – no school rules being broken here!”

Zero looked mildly surprised. “You really got it all covered, didn’t you?”

“Of course.”

They turned out of the gates and onto the road leading down through the woods. Yuki had been looking forward to the walk just as much as she had been to seeing the town. She had been this way with Kaien a couple of times but she hadn’t come out here with Zero since the night, months ago, when she had followed him on his hunt. Yuki had barely been aware of her surroundings that night. She had been so wrapped up in her troubles with Zero, who had seemed so impossibly far from her reach back then. Now he was really here with her, and so was everything else: the birdsong, and the light pouring down through the trees and the cool wind in her hair. And Zero was taking it all in with her. Though she had not been intending to go this far, she couldn’t help how right it felt in that moment to reach out and hesitantly brush her fingers against his. Even that was enough to make her heart thud faster and harder. There wasn’t anyone else around, now that they were out of the school, but this still felt so open and she knew that she was testing boundaries here. But he didn’t pull away, so she slipped her hand into his, pressed their palms close, laced their fingers together. She felt she had to concentrate extra hard just to keep walking straight, but it didn’t matter. All the way through the woods they stayed like that, hands held tight – and, in the moments they were quiet, she could hear the beat of his heart, echoing hers.

*

“This café is adorable! It must be the one Yori was talking about.”

They had found the cafe in one of the quiet streets on the outskirts of the town. It was a small building surrounded by trees and it was pretty in the winter sunlight, but must have been even nicer in spring or summer. Yuki was already making plans to come back later in the year when the trees started to blossom. As soon as she saw the sign for the tearoom Yuki had insisted on stopping. Now she was excitedly peering about the room and wondering if Kaien would ever consider going for a sort of shabby chic style in his house. The café owners had done it beautifully and Yuki loved it. But she figured it would probably be rude to suggest redecorating to the man who had taken her in out of sheer kindness. Actually, it would be very bad indeed. She dismissed the idea.

“Would you sit still?” said Zero, one eyebrow raised as he watched her from across the small wooden table. He was looking slightly out of place amongst all the ruffles and lace, Yuki had to admit, but she enjoyed seeing him there nonetheless.

“This is exciting,” she grinned, “I’ve never been on a date before.”

“Oh, really?”

“What’s with that tone? Be nice!”

“I’m not quite an expert on the subject either, but if this is a date then shouldn’t I have asked you out first?”

Yuki blinked. “I asked you.”

“No… I don’t remember that either – there was no asking involved at all.”

Yuki did not really think he was annoyed with her, but she decided to avoid the rather penetrating eye contact he was attempting to make. “Don’t be silly.” She told him. “Oh look, that must be our tea!” The waitress was approaching from the far side of the room and it gave Yuki time to smile and whisper, “Okay, so maybe I didn’t ask… but you’re here. That still counts, right?”

The waitress reached their table before Zero could respond but Yuki knew it was true in the way he held her gaze as they were each served their drinks. Yuki received a rather large slice of chocolate cake with her cup of sweet cinnamon tea, while Zero had just opted for coffee. Yuki didn’t know how Zero managed to pass up such temptations as she looked down at the mountains of cream and strawberries on her plate. He just watched as she tackled the dessert. Then he said, “You skilfully avoided my question earlier.”

Yuki paused, a forkful of strawberry halfway to her lips, and asked, “Which question?”

“Why do you even want to go on a date with me?”

“Because I like you.” Yuki took the bite she had been distracted from – it was delicious. How had she lived nearby for so long without coming here before? She stared at Zero, who seemed to have suddenly lost some confidence in holding eye contact with her. Then she swallowed and added, “You knew that.”

Zero was quiet.

“And...” she continued, “You like me too, don’t you?”

He slowly raised his eyes to hers, and then nodded. Yuki smiled as he murmured, “Things don’t seem so hopeless with you around.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! I finally finished the chapter! I feel like that took me ages to write. I don’t have as much time to dedicate to writing as I used to, but I’m still chipping away a little at a time most days. Next chapter I’m going to continue with the date a bit, which should be fun and cute. I hope you’re going to like it! I didn’t originally intend for this part of the story to be so long, but I keep feeling the need to add bits. I really hope you’re enjoying it. Please tell me your thoughts! I always love reading your comments. They make me so happy every time! Thank you all for reading!  
> (Chapter title from True Love Will Find You In The End by Daniel Johnston)


	33. Like a rose when it's pruned, I bloom, and I bloom, and I bloom

The buildings were getting taller and the trees much fewer as Yuki and Zero pressed on beyond the café where they’d stopped for tea. They were surrounded now by bricks glowing golden as the afternoon eased slowly into evening. There was still a slight chill in the air, but the sun felt warm on Zero’s face. It wore him out. It wasn’t so bad at this time of year, but every summer seemed to get worse than the last. He could only be grateful that he lived in a place where it rarely got too warm.

Zero looked to Yuki, noticing that she had removed her sunglasses to better take in her first view of the town. Her eyes were huge, her mouth curved into a smile as she watched the busy street. There was still time before businesses began to close for the night. People were busy, going about their errands, bustling from shop to shop. It took a moment for it to occur to Zero, as he watched Yuki, that she had never seen this before. It was all new to her.

He knew that it could be overwhelming sometimes, so he told her, “If it gets to be too much then let me know.”

But Yuki turned to him and her smile grew, “I’m okay. This is… so great.”

Her happiness was so pure. How could anyone have kept such a simple, _normal_ thing from her for so long? None of this was anything Zero had ever really thought to care about. He had lived by this town for the four most hated years of his life. There had never been anything here to make that time any easier for him. Nothing, until the sight of Yuki all bathed in golden light, eyes wide and soaking in _life_. He’d never thought it could be anything special – but to her it was. She had been trapped inside a protective bubble for so long and this life going on outside of it represented everything she had longed for. She had wished to be a part of it – and now she was. With all of her talk of dating and her ordering too much cake and laughing with the sun on her face, she was almost passing for a normal girl. Except, Zero had never felt like _this_ about any normal girl.

Honestly, he still didn’t know what to make of it all. It had been weeks since she’d kissed him and he still froze up every time he thought about it. He could not allow himself to think of what might have happened if he had allowed it go any further. But he couldn’t get it out of his head either. It had taken a while afterwards for him to recognise the very real feeling of _wanting_ it, and also just how scared he was by that. It wasn’t just that he had never felt this before, he had never even considered it. He was unstable – dangerous. It was not an option for him, not with Yuki, or anyone.

Only Yuki didn’t seem to care about that. Here, on this glowing evening, she didn’t look as though she cared about _any_ of the numbered reasons this could not work between them. Though Zero knew they needed to talk about it, while she was looking at him the way she did now, he just didn’t have the heart for it. Anyway, wouldn’t it be such a relief if he could just let himself forget for a while? If only the voice in the back of his head, reminding him that he did not deserve any of this, could be silenced long enough to allow him to do so.

“Are you okay?” Yuki asked him. He really had been trying not to let these thoughts of his show, but she was getting so good at reading him lately. He would have to do better, he realised. Because it didn’t really matter right now what Zero thought about himself or what he deserved. He was here for Yuki. He was not going to ruin this for her.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m fine.”

“Really?” Zero could see Yuki trying to figure out if he was lying but he definitely wasn’t going to talk about it now, if ever.

“Yeah. We should keep going. What do you want to do?”

“Oh… um…” Yuki looked around, “I’m not sure. I don’t really know where to begin.”

She was still watching his face, trying to catch whatever it was she’d seen before, but Zero was sure he had his expression under control now. She allowed him to change the subject. “I know somewhere…”

Yuki looked interested. “Where? What is it?”

“Come on. It’s not far from here.”

Yuki smiled, “Okay, lead the way!”

So he did. He turned off from the high street and Yuki followed as he led her down though several side streets past small shops and private houses and flats all crammed together. In the narrower streets, the buildings all felt taller and Yuki walked with her head back and her mouth parted just a little, not verbalising her awe, just taking it all in. She didn’t notice at first when they arrived at their destination. “Here,” Zero murmured, just as she had been about to walk past. She stopped and her gaze fell upon a shop tucked away into an old building. It wasn’t small, exactly, but it was so crammed with books that it gave that impression.

“I love it!” Yuki exclaimed and Zero couldn’t help but smile a little. “Can we go in?”

“No. That’s it,” he deadpanned. “End of the tour.”

“Hey!” Yuki gave him a playful scowl.

“Come on.” Zero took a step and opened the shop door, turning to tell Yuki, “Take as long as you want. I like it here too.”

He stepped inside and held the door open for Yuki to follow him in. She looked almost the same way as she had staring up at the sky beyond the tall buildings, only the excited glimmer in her eyes was more prominent as she looked up at the stacks of books. They were covering every available space, piled up on shelves, all the way up to the ceiling. Even the person now nodding at them from behind the counter was obscured by several weighty piles.

There did not seem to be anyone else about, which was one of the reasons Zero liked it. It was quiet; you could just step into the maze of shelves and be enveloped by it. Even Yuki seemed to have absorbed some of the calm that filled the place.

They didn’t need to speak really. They just browsed together in a happy, peaceful sort of silence. This was another on Yuki’s list of firsts for the day—she had never been to a bookshop before. In recent months, she had had Yori borrow books for her from the school library. She had never browsed it herself though, as she was worried about getting in the way of students who needed the space to work. It may have been possible to sneak in to the building later at night, but there was no need for it really with Yori and Zero’s help. Having the freedom to browse here was more exciting than she could have guessed. There was a library back at the Kuran manor, but its contents were not quite to Yuki’s tastes. Here, Zero took her straight to where she could find the adventure and fantasy novels he knew she liked best. And she really had to stop herself from getting carried away as the stack of books she wanted to buy grew larger. Zero had just picked up one book and he could see Yuki wondering how he had managed to whittle down from the selection as they took them to the counter to pay.

By the time they stepped out of the shop, the streets were darkening prettily in the twilight. Yuki was looking slightly weighed down by her haul, but she refused any help with the canvas bag she had piled her books into. Zero got the impression that she was too pleased with her purchases to want to let go of them. It was as he watched her hugging the stack to her chest, rather than letting the bag hang from its handles at her side, that he realised that these were the first things Yuki had ever bought on her own. Yuki was revelling in the freedom of not having to rely on her brother to bring her the things she wanted from the outside world. He had not even considered that when he brought her here but now, seeing the contented smile on Yuki’s face, he was glad he had thought of this place.

“Oh!” Yuki exclaimed suddenly, after a few moments. “I almost forgot about the things the Headmaster asked us to get.” She felt around inside one of the pockets of her coat for a moment, and then pulled out a small piece of crumpled note paper and handed it to Zero. “Will the shops we need for these things still be open?”

Zero scanned the list she’d handed him and nodded. They just needed to get to a supermarket and they would find it all easily.

“Okay! Which way?”

They headed back the way they had come earlier and the streets grew busier as they drew closer to the main road. The shop Zero had had in mind was still open for another few hours, which meant that he got to watch Yuki experience the delights of grocery shopping for the first time. And somehow, she _was_ delighted. Zero had not thought it possible that anyone could derive such pleasure from so mundane a task. He had to drag her away from the tea isle to stop her from picking up more than the two of them could reasonably carry back to the academy. Yuki had had a lot of tea in her life, but apparently there were enough varieties left that she hadn’t tried to make the selection difficult to walk away from. Somehow, Zero managed it, dragging Yuki along behind him. But soon after they stumbled upon the dessert section and it all began over again.

It took some time to get all the shopping done, despite there only being a few items on the list Kaien had given to Yuki. Zero’s load was enough to match hers now—though his bag was mostly full of items _she’d_ impulsively picked up.

Soon after, they were back in the woods, making their way through the shadows of trees; the day having finally given itself up to a bright, star-filled night. Weighted down as they now were, Yuki had agreed to leave any further exploring for another time. Zero could tell just from her face that she was thrilled at the prospect of another time. Another date…

“Maybe next time we can do it properly,” she suggested.

“You mean without having to haul shopping bags back through the woods after?”

“Exactly.”

Another date. Zero could not seem to make himself certain about whether he wanted it. But maybe _want_ was not the right word here. He wanted to continue being close to her, to see her smiling up at him the way she did now. He wanted to keep his promise not to run from her anymore. But that didn’t mean it was right to take things any further than this. Doing so would mean dragging her further down into the darkness that was all his life had been for too many years. He felt sure he was tainted by it. Maybe he had been since birth.

But Yuki had escaped that somehow. He didn’t understand how it was that she was so unlike any other vampire he’d come across. That same darkness had touched her life too but it had not made its mark on her. He didn’t want to be the one to destroy that. He didn’t want that light in her to ever be put out. But he didn’t want to break his promise to her either.

“Let’s stop for a while.” Yuki had already stopped, and Zero turned to look questioningly back at her where she stood. Yuki explained, “I don’t want it to end just yet. Let’s stay out a little longer.”

Zero nodded, silent, as he continued to watch her. The shadows of night were cast upon her face, but her eyes still shone, bright as day. She was smiling at him. The feeling he had then was not anything like the pain he had been living through all these years. There had never been anyone else for him to worry about back then. Now, for the first time in a long time, he felt like he had something to lose.

She stepped over to him and reached out, taking the bag from his hand. He didn’t know what she was doing, but he let her. She passed the shopping bag into the hand that was already holding her books, freeing up her other hand, which she slipped into his. The gesture was comforting and becoming more and more familiar to him, but somehow still was not something he felt like he could get used to.

“Over here…” she said to him, “Looks like a good spot.”

Yuki was leading him to just beyond the tree line, to one of the older trees there. She placed the bags down near the base of it then she turned back to Zero. “Perhaps we could just sit for a bit.”

Zero nodded once. He put the one bag he was still holding down by the ones Yuki had left. There was only just enough room for the two of them to sit tucked up close together at the base of the tree. Their shoulders were touching and their hands pressed back together like magnets; a force between them neither one could control.

“Are you really okay?” Yuki asked, coming back to her question from earlier in the evening. “Because you keep giving me this look and I have to say I don’t know what to make of it... I don’t think it’s because you don’t want to be here, because you wouldn’t have come if that was the case, right?”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Zero replied, after a moment. “I’ve really liked being with you today.”

“Then why do you keep looking so sad?”

The way they were sitting, neither of them had to look the other in the eye when she asked that. They could see the stars from here. The night sky so vast and beautiful beyond the bare tree branches above.

“Sometimes… this all feels like a dream,” And he said it so quietly because there must have been a part of him that was still afraid of waking up. “Or someone else’s dream maybe… I never dream like this.”

Zero felt Yuki’s head rest against his shoulder and he shifted without a thought, reaching an arm out around her. She settled in closer to him then she murmured, “Me neither. I don’t think my subconscious could ever come up with something that feels like this… I think I know what you mean; that _how can it be real_ feeling? That wonder? I feel it too.”

Zero found himself unable to speak.

It only took a moment for Yuki to sense that he was struggling with something. He felt her head lift and turn, felt her studying him, but his gaze remained pointed, not quite focused, in the direction of the stars. Yuki didn’t speak either; her confidence, in that moment, had also failed her.

Zero couldn’t not explain this hesitation though, so he made himself say it. “I don’t know that it’s right… to… to feel this way… to keep taking it further.” His voice came out tiny, squashed by misery.

Yuki shifted a little further away. He felt her eyes burning into him. The arm he had placed around her loosened then fell limp at his side. “Further?” Yuki said, “Than friendship, you mean? You don’t want that?”

And there it was: for the first time, the question had been voiced between them. It had been asked before without words and he had never felt capable of answering. Now he felt like he had to.

“It’s not that I don’t…”

He felt like a coward suddenly for not looking at her, so he finally turned his eyes towards her. She did look saddened by his hesitancy, but there was a touch of steady determination about her, even so.

“Then… Then that’s fine. We already talked about it: if you’re not sure yet, then I can wait until you are.”

Zero could see her resolve, and the hope she’d taken from his last mumbled sentence. But right now, he didn’t feel hopeful. He wished he could. “But that’s part of it… I don’t know that it’s right. Should I really be making you wait for me?”

Yuki frowned. “I don’t know that you’ve _made_ me do anything. I thought I made that decision myself.”

“But that doesn’t make it right. I – I know I was wrong about you. All that time I was pushing you away… I had my reasons all screwed up and I’m so sorry I hurt you because of that. But what I said about myself… I still believe that to be true.”

He could see her going back in her memory, knowing the night he spoke of, recalling the awful fight they’d had and the terrible things he’d told her about that beast which had been growing inside him for years _. I’m being swallowed up by something that won’t let me decide for myself anymore,_ he’d told her. _Pretty soon I’ll be gone entirely._ He could see the pain it brought her to think of it.

“That feeling in me is being suppressed by your blood. But one day that might not work anymore. I’m not saying that I don’t want you here… I just feel that I should at least _try_ to control what I can of the potential damage.”

Yuki wasn’t looking at him now. Her eyes were sad as she stared at some point just beyond him. A smile that didn’t really look like a smile was forming on her lips. “Damage…” she repeated quietly. “That’s a funny way to talk of the way I feel about you.”

“Yuki…” That wasn’t what he’d meant.

“I thought you said that things weren’t so hopeless now?”

“Yeah… that’s true.”

“Then, why?”

“I don’t want to drag you down just so I can hold on to that feeling.”

The surprise on her face was clear. “You…” she sighed and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him in close. “You idiot,” she mumbled into his hair. “Just what kind of definition of hope do you have anyway?”

The feeling of her so close to him was as hard to resist as it ever had been. He let his arms slide all the way around her.

“I’m not doing anything I don’t want to,” Yuki told him. “Nothing makes me happier than seeing you smile. Even if you never give me anything else, that’s all I need from you.”

She did not seem to realise how painful those words were to hear. “It’s not enough,” he whispered. “It could all fall apart so easily.”

Yuki pulled back from him, looking serious. “We don’t know that’s going to happen. And that’s why I’m here: I’ve got to keep making sure things don’t seem hopeless. I won’t abandon that – or you.”

But hope was something he was still struggling with in this moment, despite her abundance of it. “There are times I think it would be better for you if you did.”

The serious look did not leave her face. “But that’s not what you really want, is it? I can see that much just looking at your face. It wouldn’t make either of us happy if I abandoned you.”

Zero did not know what to say. She was right.

Yuki went on, “If I’m being honest, completely honest, then I have to admit I am worried. I can’t help it. Sometimes I’m really scared that the day might come when my blood isn’t enough for you. I don’t even want to think about what might happen to you then. But I think it would be worse if you were alone up until that point. So that’s why I can’t ever break my promise to you.”

The sincerity in her eyes was almost too much for him. He dropped his head, letting it rest on her shoulder. There was a long moment before he felt able to speak. “Thank you, Yuki.” He felt her hand go up towards his head, her fingers moving lightly in his hair. “I don’t think I’d still be here if it weren’t for you… I know I haven’t always acted grateful for that, but somehow I really am.”

He felt her arms tighten around him in response and he returned the hug.

After a short while, Yuki said, “I’m sorry that I didn’t consider your perspective in this clearly enough. Dragging you out here… I’m sorry I tried to push you further than you were ready to go.”

“Yuki, don’t apologise. I already told you that I wanted to come. It’s just…”

“What happens next…”

“Yeah, that.” He could feel Yuki trying to snuggle closer to him and it made him feel so safe.

“We could stay like this – if that’s okay with you.”

Zero, couldn’t hold back his relief at the sound of those words, though he tried to, he really did.

“Do you think it could work?”

“I think we could take things as they come. I think we can handle it better together.”

It was true. Whatever might come, he didn’t think he could handle it at all without her. And if she really felt the same way about him then… “Then let’s try… I don’t want to lose you either.”

“Okay,” she whispered back and he thought he could hear her smiling as she said it. “Okay, let’s try.”

*

Zero was late for prefect rounds that evening. But when Yori caught them getting back to the Academy and informed them of it, she didn’t say it like she really minded. “Though I probably should be telling you off for staying out so late,” she added thoughtfully. In the end, Yuki just let Zero get straight to work and took the shopping bags back to the house herself.

Inside, it smelled as though another one of Kaien’s bizarre concoctions had been put together while she and Zero were out. They tended to come out worse if there was no one else about to discourage him from some of his bolder ideas. Yuki made her way to the kitchen to deliver the items Kaien had requested. He wasn’t there when she entered, but the food he’d prepared had been left out on the stove. Yuki placed the shopping bags down on the table then went to inspect the pots. It appeared to be something made with rice and vegetables which looked normal enough, but it was the smell that suggested otherwise. Still, Yuki hadn’t had anything besides the cake in town (and blood tablets, which were never really that satisfying) and she wondered if she might be hungry enough to risk trying it. She decided to unpack the shopping first.

Not long after she had begun the task, Kaien appeared. “Yuki!” he greeted cheerfully, “You’re back! Did you have a good time in town?”

“It was great! Zero showed me the way to this perfect little bookshop and I got so many things. And there was a wonderful café that sold delicious cakes…” Yuki’s eyes got slightly dreamy as she thought about the cake.

 Kaien looked slightly put out. “You had cake without me?” he pouted.

“Don’t be sad! I brought back plenty of other things.” She went to the bag that she had not yet unpacked and opened it to show Kaien what she had picked up at the supermarket. “This was all Zero would let me get.”

“All?” Kaien repeated faintly, staring and the abundance of sweets and chocolate filling Yuki’s bag. She looked questioningly back at him. “Anyway, I’m glad you and Kiryu had a nice time. I wasn’t sure what the two of you had planned so I went ahead with dinner without you, but there’s plenty left over if you’d like some. Just help yourself

“Thanks, I will do,” Yuki told him, but she was still eyeing her bagful of chocolate.

“Oh, by the way, Yuki, I forgot to tell you before you left that a letter arrived for you this morning. It’s from Kaname.”

At the word _letter,_ Yuki froze. She knew there was no one else who would write to her here—or anywhere, for that matter. This was the first effort that Kaname had made to communicate with her since he had visited her here. And after the miserable way that night had ended, Yuki had not known what to say to him, so she simply hadn’t written either. The silence had stretched out so long between them by this point that his name, so out of the blue, shocked her to hear.

“Hold on just a moment and I’ll get it for you,” Kaien said, apparently oblivious to Yuki’s sudden distress—and she did feel distressed. She had been so caught up lately in everything that had been happening with Zero that she had forgotten Kaname. Or had she simply pushed the thoughts of him out of her mind instead? It didn’t matter, she realised, she was already feeling the guilt of it either way. She could not think of what he might have to say, so suddenly, after so long. She wasn’t sure it could be anything good after the way they had left things the last time they spoke. If that was the case then he would have written sooner, wouldn’t he?

Yuki had hardly moved an inch when Kaien came back with the letter. But it was only when he offered it to her and she took it, but made no move to open it, that he seemed to notice that something was off. “Yuki, are you alright?”

Yuki nodded unconvincingly. It took a moment to find her voice, “It’s just been a while. I’m surprised to hear from him now.”

“You’re looking rather pale. Sit down and I’ll make some tea. Would you like something to eat?”

Yuki shook her head, she had lost her appetite quite suddenly. “Maybe later,” she mumbled.

“Well don’t leave it too long. And sit down! I’m afraid you’re about to topple over.”

Yuki did as she was told. But after taking a seat at the kitchen table, she still could not bring herself to do more than stare at the letter in her hand. Kaien busied himself making tea and it was at this point that Yuki heard the front door open and close. Zero must have finished his prefect duties already. She listened to his footsteps as he slowly moved through the house towards her and, when his face finally appeared in the kitchen doorway, Yuki felt some life rush back into her. If Zero was here, then it would be okay. She could surely handle whatever the letter might contain with him by her side.

“What is it?” Zero asked, frowning, as he made his way over to her.

“A letter from Kaname,” Yuki replied softly. “I haven’t heard from him for a long time… I wonder what he wants.”

“Yuki, I’m certain he just wants to say hello,” Kaien chimed in from across the kitchen, “I don’t know why you’re looking so worried.”

She noticed Zero cast a slightly irritated glance at the Headmaster before telling her, “You don’t have to read it if you think it’s going to upset you.”

But Yuki knew she could not ignore the letter. To do so would only make her feel worse. “No, I’ll read it. I’m just being silly.”

But Zero still wore a concerned frown. He stood on the other side of the table from her, searching her face the way he did sometimes when he knew that she was hiding something, but didn’t want to call her out on it. Yuki wondered how much Zero had figured out about that night he’d walked in on her crying after Kaname’s visit. She had never told him anything about it, not wanting to burden him with her worries. But she knew that he had seen through her pretence that everything was fine. Even if he didn’t know the details, he’d figured out enough to justify her reaction to the letter.

“Do you want some privacy?”

Yuki shook her head, “No. Could you please stay? I’ll feel better with you here.”

Zero nodded and took the seat across the table from her. Yuki glanced at Kaien and saw from his expression that he seemed to have finally realised that he was missing something. Yuki couldn’t think of any way to explain without having to go into too many details, so she did not try to. She picked up the envelope and finally opened it.

It was not what she expected at all. Nowhere in the letter did Kaname make any reference to the last time they had spoken, nor was there any hint that he was still upset about it. He explained his lack of correspondence by telling her that he had been very busy for the past couple of months. He wondered what had kept Yuki from writing in that time. It was only towards the end that he really got to the point and Yuki’s bad feeling about the letter was confirmed, at least in part.

When she placed the paper down on the table, Zero looked up from the book he’d been examining while she read—one of the ones Yuki had bought while they were out. His didn’t ask her out loud for any details of what she’d read, but his eyes were questioning.

“He says that I’ve been invited to a soiree next weekend and he wants me to come home for the week leading up to it.”

Zero didn’t say anything. He was still looking at her, but Yuki could not quite guess at his thoughts from his expression. Kaien had stepped out of the room after placing a pot of tea on the table and Yuki figured he had decided to give her some space.

“Is it terrible that I don’t want to go? It’s just… I like being _here_.”

“Then don’t go,” Zero told her.

“But I have to,” Yuki groaned. She slumped forward, burying her head in her arms.

“How come?”

“Because Kaname will be really upset if I don’t.” She peeked back up at Zero, who was watching her with concern written across his face once more. “It’ll be okay. I know I’m just being a baby…” Yuki heaved a long sigh. “I told myself a while ago that I was going to start handling things like a grown up… but I guess I just haven’t reached that level of maturity yet.”

Zero folded his arms on the table top and brought his chin down to rest on top of them, mirroring Yuki. She smiled faintly as his gaze held hers, their eyes now level.

“A whole week…” she murmured and her smile faded quickly. “Would it sound silly if I said I’d really miss you?”

Zero didn’t speak but, moving slowly, he reached a hand out across the table and Yuki reached out too, threading her fingers into his. The gesture brought the slight smile back to her face.

“What night is the soiree?” Zero asked after a moment.

“The letter said Saturday. Kaname wanted me to come home Monday and stay for the week.”

“I might see you there.”

“At the soiree?”

Zero nodded, then taking in the confused look on Yuki’s face he explained, “I’ve been looking into working with the Hunter’s association again. They thought that monitoring vampire soirees was a good way to ease me back into things. Though it’s not exactly the kind of work I’d had in mind.”

“So you’ll be there?” There was excitement in Yuki’s words.

“I’m not going as a guest,” Zero warned.

Yuki nodded, sitting up now. “Right. I suppose it would be strange to the other vampires if they saw us being familiar. But at least I’d get to see you.” The idea of the event was brightening now in her mind. It only took a moment to notice that Zero was not sharing her enthusiasm. She asked him, “Have you ever been to a soiree before?”

“No.”

“Are you nervous? There’ll be a lot of noble vampires there… I guess it’s not something you’re used to.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Yuki realised he did not feel comfortable talking about it. To Zero, the guests of the soiree were enemies. And Yuki was part of that world. Even if she had never felt she belonged there, even if Zero no longer saw her that way, her ties to it could not easily be cut. Zero was aware of that. He wasn’t a fantasist like Yuki, he couldn’t just pretend that their vastly different backgrounds would never be a problem for them. It must have tied into the doubts that had overcome him earlier in the woods. It was part of the reason he was reluctant to let their relationship progress.

With that Yuki was reminded of all the reasons why her first reaction to the invitation had been _but I want to stay._ If only they could stay in this bubble where the attitudes of others couldn’t get to them or force them apart.

Except, Yuki wondered, after everything, could they really be forced apart? Or was the bond between them too strong now? _I think we could take things as they come… we can handle it all better together._ She’d said that just a short while ago. She couldn’t let herself forget it so easily.

“It _will_ be fine,” she said, and she looked at him so that he’d know she wasn’t just talking about the soiree. “It’s like we agreed before… we can’t always be glued to each other’s sides, but I’ll still be supporting you.”

Zero watched her for a long moment, taking in that look she’d given him, and then his expression softened. “Yeah,” he said. “I’ll do the same for you.”

All at once, Yuki’s heart felt lighter. Because she didn’t doubt him; Zero had been quietly looking out for her for so long now. She was sure he could get her through anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At last!! I’m so sorry for the delay everyone. I can’t believe it was really February I last updated. You must have thought I’d abandoned you again. Actually, I really wanted to come back all this time, but things just kept getting in the way. And then, once I’d finished this chapter, I wanted to be sure I’d have the next chapter ready to go up soon after. The next chapter will be kind of short, but I think I’ll have it ready later in the week. I hope you’re all still enjoying the story! If you liked the chapter then please let me know in a comment. I need you guys to keep me fired up while I get new updates ready for you. Thank you all for reading!  
> (Chapter title from Josephine by Lisa Mitchell)


	34. Stand brave, life-liver

Zero drew away from Yuki, after licking away the last of the blood that had escaped his mouth. The sensation of his tongue on her neck made Yuki shudder a little. That, and the way she reached up after, wiping a spot of blood from his lips with her thumb and then bringing it to her own mouth to lick away, came very close to distracting Zero from his thoughts. But the thing on his mind right now, lingering with the taste of her blood, felt important. He refused the distraction and dragged his gaze from her lips, focusing instead on her eyes.

It had been days since Yuki had received the letter from her brother, requesting her return to the Kuran Manor. Since their conversation afterwards, she had been wearing a brave face, but Zero had begun to sense her growing anxiety even before her offer to provide him with blood. Now he knew the extent of it, he had to ask. “Something is worrying you. I could taste it.” He gave her a questioning look.

“That’s normal,” Yuki murmured, as if that was what he had been asking. “I’m sorry, I should have tried to clear my mind a little better.”

“You don’t need to apologise,” Zero told her. “I know this isn’t just about you wanting to stay here. There’s something you’ve been keeping to yourself for a long time.” He watched her face closely and Yuki’s eyes, which had been hazy just a few seconds ago, now began to focus. She said nothing, so he pressed, “What is it Yuki?”

Usually, it seemed to make more sense to Zero to wait until Yuki felt ready to talk about a problem than to force it out of her. He didn’t like to pry. But there was something about the taste of her blood tonight. He still didn’t really understand how it worked, but he could tell somehow that she really needed someone to confide in. It was just not Yuki’s way to burden others with her problems. Zero, however, could not think of anyone he’d rather carry the burden for.

He could see her doubting whether she should speak. “Tell me,” he urged. “It’s to do with your brother, isn’t it?”

A troubled expression was making its way onto Yuki’s face and, after a moment, she nodded. “I’m such an awful person,” she whispered. Zero could not have been more baffled by these words, but before he could say a thing to reassure her that this was not the case, not by a long shot, she continued, “I keep thinking about going home and about seeing Kaname again for a whole week and I just can’t summon up any feeling besides this horrible apprehension. It’s so bad… imagine if he knew I felt this way. He’d be so hurt.”

After his last encounter with Kaname Kuran, Zero felt that the words _horrible apprehension_ were a considerable understatement. _Disgust_ or perhaps even _blinding rage_ felt a little more apt, as far as he was concerned. Yuki had always claimed to adore her brother but, thinking of him, Zero could not help but picture her tearstained face after the last time he had visited.

“Why do you feel apprehensive?” Zero asked, because though he felt sure he could guess the reasons well enough himself, perhaps Yuki needed to talk about it.

It took her a while to answer, but Zero could see Yuki thinking about it, trying to convert her troubled feelings into words. In the end though, she just sighed, looked up at Zero and said quietly, “I feel like I’m disappointing him. Every time I think of him. It’s overwhelming. It’s usually easier just not to think of him at all and even that makes me feel guilty sooner or later. But I’m still too cowardly to tell him the truth.”

It must have been that taste in his mouth, her blood inside him, saturated with her thoughts and feelings, that compelled him to ask. “And what is the truth?”

Yuki had not been expecting him to ask. That much was clear from her face. And it proved Zero’s suspicion that there was more she was not telling him. Truly, he did not wish to pry, but he didn’t want her to keep worrying and keep it all to herself either. After all she had done for him, if he could help her, just a little, then he had to try.

Yuki’s mouth opened and her answer almost came, but then she hesitated and her eyes flickered to the ground. She thought for a moment and then tried again, “I don’t know what it was that either of us were expecting when I came here… maybe that I would enjoy a short break and be back within a month or two. But now I feel more at home here than I ever did back there. I never guessed that I would change so much. I… I don’t see Kaname the way I used to. I love him, but I don’t think it’s in the way he wants me to… In the same way that he loves me. I think – ah, I think probably this is going to sound very strange to you but, as children, Kaname and I were betrothed – we have been ever since my birth. It never seemed strange to me because that was all I ever knew. I’ve only just started to question it. Only since I came here.” Yuki did not say ‘only since I met you’ though that was what she really meant. “How do I tell him that that’s not what I want anymore? How do I even begin to hurt him like that?”

Only now did Yuki look back up at Zero again and her eyes were full of anguish. Seeing that look, it didn’t matter that Kaname Kuran was someone he could not stand, Zero just wished there was something he could do to help. But all he could do was give a gentle shake of his head. “I don’t know,” he told her. “I don’t know if you can make that any easier. You just have to…”

“Be brave?” Yuki finished.

“Yeah.”

Yuki groaned. “I know.”

Her shoulders slumped defeatedly.

“Remember the day that we started talking again—after that really shitty week? I’d been pushing you away like a colossal idiot… but you refused to give up on me. You need to channel whatever it was that brought you to my room that day—the thing that made you stay even after I lost my shit at you. You came that day because you wanted to, right?”

“Yeah,” Yuki smiled a little, “I needed to make you stop being so bloody stubborn with me.”

“You need this too,” Zero told her. “Stand up for yourself, okay? I know you’ve got it in you.”

Yuki peered up at him without speaking and a grateful smile inched across her face. Her appreciation of his words shone in her eyes. And Zero felt compelled to say one more thing: quietly, he added, “By the way, you’re not awful. You couldn’t be further from it if you tried.”

 Yuki hesitated only a moment and then she shuffled closer to Zero – though they had only separated a matter of inches in the time they had been speaking. She lowered her face and pressed it against his shirt, just below his shoulder. Zero folded his arms around her. They were quiet for a long moment, during which Zero could hear Yuki’s slow breathing and feel her light grip on the back of his shirt. Then, slightly muffled against him, he heard her whisper, “Thank you.” She paused and then, “You’re so kind, Zero… Somehow I always knew that about you.”

It shouldn’t have, but something in her whispered statement troubled him. The words tugged at some unwanted thoughts that he could never seem to bury deep enough in his mind. Zero told himself to leave it be but still, he didn’t know how her words could be true. For so long, he’d been terrible to her. He’d never given anyone a chance, not since he was a child. Not until Yuki came along and refused to give up on him. “It’s only because of you,” he murmured. “I don’t want to hurt you again.”

Yuki shook her head slightly and Zero felt the movement against him. “That’s not it. I’m happy that you’ve found a reason to let yourself be softer lately. But I don’t think the kindness in you is anything new. It must have always been there. Or I doubt we’d have made it this far.”

Zero wasn’t sure what Yuki’s intention was in telling him all this. Perhaps she was repaying him for the reassurance he’d given her. It was supposed to make him happy, he figured, to know Yuki thought of him this way. And on some level, he supposed he did feel relief that some of the goodness he had always strived for had prevailed in him. It had survived through his darkest years, enough to be seen by her – by Yuki – who was so good herself. And that might have been the only feeling stirred up by Yuki’s words, if it hadn’t been for a memory, rising now, to the surface of his thoughts. It had been so long since the last time someone had called him kind. Back then, it was Ichiru who said it.

 _You’re such a kind person,_ Ichiru had told him and even then – before Zero had had any way of knowing how bad things could get – he hadn’t believed it. Truly, if Zero had been so kind, then would Ichiru have sounded so breathless saying it? So weak? So full of yet another fever? Would he ever had suffered that way at all, if Zero hadn’t taken something from him, back before they’d even been born?

But Zero did not want to think of this now, with Yuki so close and watching him with concern written across her face. She had pulled back from their embrace, having sensed something wrong in his silence. “Sorry,” he muttered, knowing his face had betrayed his feelings once more.

“What’s wrong?” Yuki asked in a quiet voice.

“It’s nothing,” Zero’s response was automatic. He wanted to forget these thoughts. There was no place for them here with Yuki beside him. And he should be allowed to forget such things sometimes, shouldn’t he?

But he couldn’t seem to manage it.

“Zero… I know that’s not true. Don’t say it’s nothing.”

Zero looked up to her again and the look on her face killed him. He was burdening her with his own pain once again. He wanted so much to be everything she deserved, but with the ghosts of his past refusing to leave him be, and the inevitably bleak future looming ahead, he didn’t see how he could ever be that person.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. He didn’t know what else to say. “I just need a minute.” He could fight it off, this feeling. If the recent weeks he’d spent with Yuki had taught him anything, it was that. But he was not sure he could do it while she looked at him this way. There might have been times when Yuki understood this about him, how it was the light in her that gave him strength, but at this moment she was too surprised by the sudden change in his mood to consider that. He did not blame her for it. He never once felt she owed him her smiles, he barely even felt he deserved them. But it was to become a vicious circle, this, if Zero could not get past the feeling while Yuki was looking so sad for him.

He had barely moved more than a few inches from the spot where he’d bitten Yuki. He’d been so caught up in conversation that it had barely occurred to him to wonder what sort of state he might be in after the bite. It occurred to him now – maybe because he was grasping for excuses to walk away. Zero didn’t want to be like this. He knew how it worried Yuki. But this was one particular problem he didn’t ever know how to talk about, and he didn’t know how to clear his mind of it either. To walk away was his default solution, and right now it was the best he could come up with.

“I think maybe I should go and clean up a bit.”

Yuki hesitated a moment, and then nodded, though the look on her face was no less troubled. “I could probably do with a shower too.” Her eyes bored into his for a moment more and then fell away. She got to her feet. “I’ll go then.”

Zero stayed silent, making no move to get up.

Yuki was at the door when she stopped and looked back. “I know it’s late but… I have to leave tomorrow. Would it be okay if I came back after washing up? Just for a little while?” Zero turned his head slowly to look at her but didn’t answer right away. She faltered then. “Ah, no… I know you have school tomorrow so I shouldn’t ask that. I can just make sure to see you before I go.”

Zero watched Yuki as she spoke. He’d been lost in his own thoughts so it took a moment for Yuki’s question to register. When it did, his expression softened. “No. It’s okay. Come back tonight. I just need a few minutes, that’s all.”

A look of relief washed over Yuki’s face. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll be back soon.”

*

Within half an hour, Yuki had returned to stand outside Zero’s bedroom door. She knocked and, on Zero’s invitation, she turned the handle and went in. Zero was on his bed, lying back on top of the covers in a fresh pair of joggers and a t-shirt. His wet hair was dripping onto his pillow. Yuki watched him from the doorway. His face seemed to be clear of whatever terrible emotion had plagued him earlier. Yuki was unsure if it might be too early to be relieved about that.

When she did not move from the doorway right away, Zero opened his eyes and looked over at her.

“I won’t stay long,” she told him. “You must be pretty tired.”

Zero sat up. “That doesn’t mean that you should go.” He beckoned for her to come over. Yuki did so, but her approach was hesitant. She still wasn’t quite over the way his face had looked before she’d left him earlier. That expression had not just been him disagreeing with what she’d said. It was clear to her that there was more to it than that.

Zero had moved up so that there was room for her next to him and, when she sat, he laid back, resting his head back down on the pillow. Yuki peered at him for a moment and then lay down too. She settled onto her side so that she was facing him and he rolled over and looked back at her.

This was new. Even the night she’d fallen asleep on this bed, she’d curled up midway down with just her hand reaching out for his. Now Zero’s lavender eyes were close enough that Yuki could make out her reflection in them. They were questioning her: _are you okay? Are you comfortable like this?_

Yuki made a face. “Your pillow’s all wet.”

“Sorry,” Zero murmured. “Sit up.” Zero flipped the pillow when she did and then they both lay back down. “Better?” It was, a little. Yuki nodded.

She still could not quite relax, though. Not because of Zero’s proximity. That was only really a problem if it had been a while since she’d taken her blood tablets, and Yuki had taken another dose before coming back here. It was because she couldn’t forget about earlier. Zero’s reaction to her words was not something she could brush off. She found herself searching his face now for any lingering trace there might be of that earlier expression.

“Stop that,” he told her, after a moment. “I can see what you’re doing.”

Even as he said it, Yuki could see a flicker of that sadness in his eyes. And now that she’d seen it, she didn’t know how to stop. So, she averted her gaze and felt for his hand to hold onto instead. Zero rolled onto his back again, but he let her take his hand into hers, so she knew he wasn’t annoyed at her. He’d admitted to being tired so perhaps he just wanted to sleep. In that case, Yuki would just stay quietly by his side. She hoped her presence might help in keeping his troubled mind from tormenting him with nightmares as he slept. She wondered if she should suggest getting under the covers or if that would sound too bold.

Yuki did not manage to voice the thought; Zero spoke before she could, “You didn’t say anything wrong earlier. I know you’re probably worrying about that. But you shouldn’t. It just… reminded me of something.” Yuki turned her eyes back up to his face, but Zero hadn’t moved. He stared up at the ceiling as he spoke. “Someone said something like that to me before. A long time ago.”

Yuki could not properly make out Zero’s expression from where she lay. His voice was soft, as it often was, but there was an edge to it she didn’t think she had heard before. She thought he might be struggling with the words more than he wanted her to know.

It took him a long time to say the words that would make her understand. “It was my brother who said it. My twin brother, Ichiru.”

Yuki’s understanding of those words came instantaneously. She had had that name stored at the back of her mind for so many weeks, along with the heartbroken look on Zero’s face the first and only time he’d mentioned it. She just hadn’t realised what it meant until this moment. Now she thought she might know why it had taken so long for him to return to this subject.

“I had no idea,” Yuki whispered.

“I know.” Zero still wasn’t looking her way and Yuki could not bring herself to move. Their hands were locked together still, and Yuki held on tightly, as though her touch might convey everything she couldn’t think to say. As though it might somehow help him. “It used to seem so important that you not know about him… Now I don’t really know why… No. I guess… things have changed.” Yuki thought she felt Zero’s grip on her hand tighten in response to hers.

“Is he…” She didn’t want to assume anything but she didn’t know how to ask about it either.

“He died…”

Zero’s voice was steady as he talked, quiet, but softly matter of fact. And yet there was something about his demeanour that made him look sadder than Yuki had ever seen him before.

“Was it… that same night?” Yuki’s own voice was tiny.

Slowly, Zero gave a tiny shake of his head. “Sorry,” he whispered and his words began to lose what little power they’d had behind them. “Honestly, I don’t really know what happened.”

Yuki managed now to raise her head to look more clearly at him. She shifted her weight onto her elbow and looked down into his grief filled eyes. They were unfocused, not looking back at her. “I don’t understand.”

Zero swallowed. His lips moved, but it was a few seconds before any sound came from them, “He was there. But he left… with that woman.” Yuki stared speechlessly at him as he stared blankly ahead and uttered the words, “So, I don’t see how he could be alive.”

Then, at last, he moved – but only to reach up with the hand that wasn’t holding Yuki’s and cover his face. Yuki saw with the movement how the calm mask he’d been wearing finally crumbled with his grief.

Yuki could find no words to reply to him. Nothing was enough. She laid herself back down beside him. Closer this time. She let her forehead rest beside his head, pressed gently against his temple. She reached her arm out over him and her hand came to rest over his heart. And she realised that she couldn’t think of anything to say because it couldn’t possibly be words that Zero needed right now. She just had to stay quietly near him. It was the only way she could think to help.

It was a long time before Zero moved at all. He stayed utterly silent but, when he finally moved the hand covering his eyes, he brought it down to press over Yuki’s hand and she knew he was thankful for her being there.

More time passed in silence but Yuki didn’t think Zero was sleeping. It was too cold to sleep like this, she thought, even pressed close together as they were. Yuki did not want to move but she did so any way. As she sat up, Zero looked at her. She gestured at the bed cover and he understood what she meant to do. He got up too and when Yuki pulled the covers back, they both slipped under. Yuki fell so naturally into Zero’s arms that it barely even occurred to her to be embarrassed at the implications of this new position they were in. Besides, in that moment it felt innocent enough. Zero just held her close while her head rested on his chest. She felt so warm and safe like this and she hoped Zero was feeling it too. But she wasn’t sure how far even a feeling like this could go to fight against the sorrow he was feeling tonight.

Yuki turned her head, trying to look up at his face. But Zero answered her question before she could ask it. “I’m okay,” he told her. “It was a long time ago.”

“Zero… You don’t have to pretend—”

“I know. It’s hard to talk about. I can’t pretend it doesn’t still…” he cut himself off with a shake of his head but she knew what he meant. It hurt badly, even now. “But should I really dwell on that here with you – like this?” Zero’s fingers touched her hair so gently. “Maybe I really am learning something here.”

“Huh?”

But he didn’t explain, at least not for a few long seconds when he whispered, even more softly than he’d already been speaking, “I’m glad you’re here.”

The way he said it eased her mind. If Zero had good in his life that meant he could overcome the bad, even if it was difficult, or it took some time – then that was exactly what she had wanted for him. It was what she had hoped she could be for him. She still hoped that he would find more reasons to feel that way.

“I wish I could stay.”

“Just stay for tonight.”

She’d already intended to. She nodded once, staring right into his eyes as she did so. When he smiled, just a little, she knew it would be okay. Zero didn’t smile just for anything; that smile was for her. So she would be brave through this coming week and come back and make sure to see it again.

In the meantime, she settled her head back down on Zero’s chest and felt his arms pull her closer against him.

*

The following evening, Yuki left for the Kuran Manor.

She had not needed to pack much, as she had nearly everything she might need there already. So she was able to spend the afternoon with Zero, Yori and Kaien.

She’d fallen asleep a lot earlier than usual last night. Snuggled up with Zero, she’d thought that while he slept she would simply enjoy the feeling of being so near to him while she still could. There was plenty of time to sleep tomorrow while Zero was at school and she didn’t want to lose the hours she could have with him now to sleep. Of course, the odds had been stacked up against her. She was warm and comfortable and soon lulled to sleep by the soft sounds of his breathing and his heart beating steadily beside her.

It meant that Yuki’s last night with Zero passed a lot faster than she had wanted it to, but it also meant that she got to wake up next to him when morning came and that came close enough to making up for it. They had moved apart during the night and when Zero finally turned off his alarm (after a lot of beeping – even enough to wake Yuki up too) she couldn’t help but snuggle back into him. Zero grumbled about not being allowed to get up – but when Yuki peeked up at him, she saw the faint hint of a smile there and didn’t think he really minded all that much.

In the end, it was only the thought of getting caught by Kaien, if Zero was not up in time for school, that moved them. Or it moved Zero. Yuki stayed put, figuring it would be easier to sneak out once Kaien left for work. Their sharing blood might have been something Kaien could brush off as a necessity, were he to catch them at it, but sharing beds was another matter. Yuki was certain that would be frowned upon – as it would be by any parental figure in charge of two teens. It was lucky for them that Kaien seemed to be a rather oblivious parental figure in this case.

Before Zero left, Yuki plucked up the courage to ask him if he had any blood tablets she could use. She had come to him only in her pyjamas, thinking she’d stay just a short while, and had not brought any of her own. It made her feel nervous to ask. But, waking up next to Zero – the delicious scent of him all around her – she needed them and knew she could not comfortably wait much longer without. But though Yuki never talked about blood tablets with Zero, to her relief, he looked only a little surprised by the question. He blinked at her for a moment and then he went to a set of drawers, opened the top one, took out a small box of the little white pills and he passed them to her. And besides telling her she could keep them if she wanted, as they only made him ill, he said not a thing about it.

When Zero left for school, Yuki slept for a while but she got up early enough to do what little packing she needed before Zero came back. She also meant to find Yori at some point after her classes finished, but to Yuki’s pleasure, Yori showed up at the house first with Zero. They spent the rest of the afternoon together, chatting and eating a small feast Kaien had prepared for them with – _thankfully_ – Zero’s help.

Considering Yuki was only leaving for a week, she could not have asked for a better send off. She had been so nervous about going that it helped immensely to have enough going on that she didn’t have to think about it.

Yuki’s driver, Tove, showed up in the early evening and Yuki kept her goodbyes brief. Though she would have happily refused to let go of Zero as she hugged him, she decided instead that she would try to avoid causing any awkward scenes. It was five days until the soiree. She would see him there. She could handle five days, she thought.

“Remember what I told you last night,” Zero told her, catching what must have been a nervous look on her face. “You’ll be okay.”

Yuki nodded and smiled up at him.

Soon after that, Yuki was waving from the back of the car as it drove away. She chatted to Tove and searched through the music selection she’d stored here for the best songs to play on the journey. And onwards they went, to the Kuran Manor, where Kaname was waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the responses to the last chapter. I’m really glad there are still people reading and I’m happy to see new readers too. I’ve been meaning to say… there were some comments I didn’t reply to during my absence and I wanted to thank everyone who left one. I always appreciate getting to know what you think of the story and I’m going to get back to responding to all the comments I can in the future. So please let me know your thoughts! And thank you for reading.  
> (chapter title from Time, as a Symptom by Joanna Newsom)


	35. Your only doll

The car made its way up the long drive leading to the Kuran Manor. It was an odd feeling, returning to this place, Yuki thought. This was where she had been born. She had grown up here. If she had had a normal upbringing, then these woods could have been her childhood playground. She would have explored every inch of them. Instead they held only the vaguest hint of familiarity to her. Even as they pulled up in front of the manor itself, it did not feel as much like coming home as it probably should have done. Everything here felt strange. Too vivid. What for months had only been a memory had suddenly come to life, sooner than Yuki could make herself ready for it.

Even Kaname, already waiting at the doorway, looked that way to her now. His faint smile, those dark eyes, they were like something from a memory of another life. Then he stepped forward and the scent of him filled the air and became the first truly familiar sensation since she had arrived on the estate.

Yuki climbed out of the car, moving slowly, and was quickly enveloped by a pair of warm arms and the words whispered in her ear, “Welcome home, Yuki.”

Yuki returned the hug. “Kaname…” she whispered. “Brother… Hello.”

Soon she was being led up the few stone steps to the door of her childhood home. The next familiar sensation Yuki felt came with the memory of all the times she had walked up these very steps and wondered how long it might be before she would be allowed to leave again.

The door was shut behind her and just as suddenly it was the place Yuki had always known. Looking around, she still had that bizarre feeling of it being too real somehow, but the scents she had known all her life were cutting through that feeling, reminding her that it was the same as it had always been.

It was just Yuki and Kaname now. Tove would be parking the car in the garage. Yuki regretted that she had been too distracted to thank the driver for her help.

“It seems like you hardly smile these days.”

The softly uttered statement surprised Yuki out of her reverie. “Huh?” She blinked up at Kaname. “No I just… It’s strange to be back, that’s all.”

Kaname’s face was unreadable as he stared down at her. “Oh. I wondered if perhaps you were unhappy to be here… Or maybe it’s just seeing me again that’s the problem?”

Yuki must have looked wounded because he soon apologised and added, “You must be tired from the journey. Why don’t you take some time to freshen up? Then you can fill me in on everything I’ve missed while you were away.”

Yuki just nodded, still feeling quite surprised that he had come out with those words no more than a few minutes after she’d come into the house. She turned to go to her room, but Kaname stopped her. “Yuki,” he said, gently, “Truly, I’m happy to see you home.”

And there wasn’t anything guarded in his expression now. There was only the real feeling behind his words, so finally Yuki smiled, “I’m glad to see you too, Kaname.”

*

It took a lot longer than Yuki would have expected for the strange feeling of being back after so long to fade away. It was worse when Yuki got to her own room. She didn’t think it was quite the same as she had left it. It couldn’t have been as tidy as it was now. It was strange how little she had thought to miss it while she had been away. There was so much of _her_ in this space and if there was any part of the house that could have made her really feel like she was back home, it was this room.

Still, so much of the space belonged to a Yuki of the past, and it only made the feeling of how strange it was to be back that much stronger. The odd sensation of old memories coming back to life before her lingered. Until her return, she did not think she had really been aware of how long she had been away. She had such mixed feelings about it. These were her belongings, her books, music, trinkets Kaname had brought back from his travels, her piano… Things that had all meant so much to her, but which were tied to memories of such an unhappy time in her life.

Yuki went to sit at the piano. This was not the only piano in the house. Her mother Juri’s sat in one of the rooms upstairs. The only times Yuki had been allowed upstairs as a child had been to listen to Juri play or to receive lessons from her. Sometime after Juri’s death, Yuki had decided that she wanted to continue learning and a new piano was acquired for her to practice on. This was the piano Yuki sat before now, and the one upstairs was only used when Kaname or perhaps a rare visitor wanted to hear her play. Yuki had decided she liked it this way. It had never really stopped hurting, you see, playing that piano, knowing that her mother never would again.

Yuki stretched her fingers over the keys and felt that if there was anything that was going to help her relax, it would be playing her beloved piano. Kaname was waiting for her, she knew, but she was sure he could spare her a few minutes for this. And she did only mean to play for a few minutes, but she soon found herself getting carried away. She could not help it. Being able to play piano any time she chose was the main thing she missed while she was at the academy. She went to the music room occasionally, but not nearly often enough.

She was soon lost in the music, finishing one song and then falling right into another. When she played, she couldn’t feel all those worries she had been holding onto since Kaname’s letter had arrived. Either she had forced them away, or the music had done that for her. She was not quite sure, but she felt better as she came to the end of her second song. This time, the only thing that kept her from launching into another piece was a light knock at the door. She had been so engrossed, she hadn’t even noticed Kaname’s approach. She knew that the music had done her good when she called him in and was able to smile at him as he entered. The worries that had been plaguing her every time she thought of him had not had a chance to creep back in yet.

“It has been too long since I last heard that sound here,” he said. He was wearing a faint smile that told Yuki he was simply pleased to hear the music and no longer brooding, as he had been earlier. If they could stay like this, then things would be okay, Yuki thought. She reminded herself that if she wanted Kaname to be happy then she would have to show him that she was happy too.

She would have the talk she needed to have with him soon enough, but first she wanted to let him know that he had nothing to fear from the change. He was her brother, after all. She loved him, and that was something that could not be changed.

She smiled pleasantly at him. “I’m a bit rusty. I don’t play as often as I should these days.”

“It sounded perfect to me,” Kaname murmured as he approached her.

She laughed and shuffled over on her stool so that there was room for him to sit. “Okay, I know that’s not true.”

Kaname just smiled. A moment later he said, “All you ever used to do was play this thing. What on earth have you been up to instead?” His tone was light. Yuki reminded herself that it would do no good to search in it for any hint of accusation. Nor should she feel guilty.

“I spend time with my friends mostly. With Yori, the Headmaster, Zero… We go for walks, or have meals together, or just talk. The academy grounds are beautiful. I never seem to get tired of exploring them with Yori.”

She had tried not to put too much emphasis on Zero’s name when she spoke it, hoping to keep the focus of the conversation elsewhere. But it was to no avail, Kaname’s immediate response was, “And this Zero, I trust his attitude has improved since the last time I saw him?”

Yuki tried not to stiffen at the question. _Talk normally,_ she told herself, _you’ve done nothing wrong._ “Of course. That was… I already told you he’s not usually like that.” And since she was trying to be more honest, she decided to explain, “It’s just… his parents were killed by another pureblood. He finds it difficult to trust… well, anyone really. That’s why he acted like that. He hadn’t known you would be there that night. He trusts me now, and he’s entirely different than when we first met him. He’s a good person, I promise.”

Now Yuki did not need to search to see that there was something off about Kaname’s smile. It came nowhere close to reaching his eyes. “You always see the best in people, Yuki. It’s an endearing trait…” But he sounded torn between admiration and worry – and something else that Yuki wasn’t sure about, but which she knew she didn’t like.

“You don’t have to be worried,” she told him softly.

“That, I can’t help,” was Kaname’s simple reply.

Yuki did not like how suddenly the conversation had turned. She wanted the Kaname who had entered her room a few minutes ago to come back. She wanted him to smile for real.

She decided to change the subject, “What about you? What have you done while I’ve been gone?”

Kaname looked for a moment as though there might be more he wished to say on the topic of Zero, but the moment passed, and he answered Yuki’s question, “The usual. Meetings… travelling.”

“Have you been to many new places?” Yuki allowed some of the old excitement with which she used to ask such questions to slip into her voice. She was channelling the old Yuki – the young girl who had never seen anything and wanted to hear about the forests and the mountains and the waterfalls. Kaname heard it in her voice and some of the warmth returned to his smile again. Though Yuki found she understood the hint of sadness she saw with it now. This was pretend, and Kaname knew it, even as he launched into another of the kind of stories Yuki had grown up with and always loved.

As the story went on, Yuki tried to enjoy it as she used to, but she found her heart was not truly in it. She knew more of the world now. She knew the feeling of the wind in her hair, the earth under bare feet, lying in the snow and watching it fall all around. Now she could picture everything Kaname told her more vividly than ever before. But he’d still seen so much more than her. And that didn’t seem any fairer to her now than it ever had done. In her stay at Cross Academy, Yuki had been contented with the relationships she’d built with the people she met there. Listening to Kaname talk reminded her of everything else she had wanted before then. Now that she was back in this house it seemed more difficult to think of the future being so full of possibilities.

But she was being silly. She would not be staying here. She would go back to the Academy where she was truly happy, and there she would wait for Zero and they would face the future and its possibilities together – for as long as they could.

Kaname had stopped talking. Yuki realised with a stab of guilt that she had messed up again. She had stopped listening to him. “I’m sorry,” she said, responding to the unhappy look on his face.

Kaname sighed, “I suppose there’s no use in pretending. You really aren’t a child anymore.”

It was with faint surprise that Yuki realised he had not become angry with her. Or if it was anger he felt then he had chosen to keep it to himself. After searching his face, Yuki nodded. “I don’t know if I can be satisfied until I’ve seen it all for myself now. Kaname, we have a whole week just to ourselves, don’t we? I mean, besides the soiree. Why don’t we just go somewhere? Let’s explore together, rather than always sitting in this house telling stories.”

It was a long moment before Kaname answered her. Yuki was already bracing herself for the _no_ she was so sure would come, the _it’s too dangerous_. But then he nodded. “Alright. We’ll go somewhere.”

Yuki was stunned. “You really mean it?”

Kaname nodded again. “It’s not something we can make a habit of, but if it will make you happy.”

“It would. It would be wonderful!” Yuki’s look of surprise was replaced with a smile that lit up her whole face. It made Kaname smile to see it.

“For tonight, though, perhaps we could just celebrate you being back? I arranged a special meal for later. Something to welcome you home.”

A special meal… Yuki’s mouth watered at the mere thought and she was forced to admit to another thing she had missed since living at the academy. Of course, the revelation of Zero’s cookery skills had relieved the situation quite a bit, but until then she had regularly fantasised about the meals the cook at the Kuran manor would prepare for her each night.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Kaname chuckled at the dreamy look in Yuki’s eyes. “Of course, I’ll expect you to dress for dinner.”

Yuki blinked and then nodded. “Would I be right in assuming that I’ll find a new dress in my wardrobe for the occasion?”

“You would,” Kaname replied with a smile.

Yuki got up to look. She stepped over to the wardrobe and it was easy to spot the new addition as she opened it. The dress was hanging up on the back of the door, much the same as the last dress Kaname had given her back at Cross Academy. This dress was a lot tamer than the last, however, it was not completely without extravagance. There were shimmering coloured jewels gathered in clusters across the bodice and the sleeves. The decadence of the jewels contrasted prettily with the simple florals of the fabric. But while the details were enough to satisfy Kaname’s taste for luxury, the overall look was quite simple and cute, which suited Yuki. As she picked it up and held it up against her, it fell to her exact preferred length, midway down her thighs.

“Do you like it?” Kaname asked.

Yuki nodded. “It’s lovely. I really like this one. Should I wear it now?”

“There’s no rush to change just yet.”

Yuki put the dress back in its place on the wardrobe door and returned to her seat, looking thoughtful as she did so.

“What is it?” Kaname wondered.

“Oh, I was just thinking about the sort of dresses you’ve been giving me lately. It made me wonder: if this is what I’m wearing for dinner, then what on earth will I be wearing for something fancy like the soiree?”

She studied Kaname’s expression hoping that the question would not offend him, but a trace of a smile betrayed his amusement and he answered, “I don’t know yet. I thought you might like to pick something. Ruka agreed to bring some dresses for you to choose from later in the week.”

Ruka Souen was one of the young noble vampires loyal to Kaname. She was among the limited number of vampires permitted to visit the Kuran Manor. Yuki liked her. She was kind, despite her occasionally haughty manner. They might even have become good friends except that Yuki was fairly certain that Ruka was in love with Kaname. The predicament was just awkward enough to stand in the way of any real friendship blossoming between the two. Yuki surprised herself by thinking for the first time that things would be a lot simpler if Kaname would just love Ruka back. Of course, things would be even simpler than that if _Yuki_ would just love Kaname back. But she couldn’t quite bring herself to wish for that.

Yuki realised she should respond to Kaname before her musing could be allowed to spin out of control. “I’d love that,” she told Kaname, though she quietly felt a little bad for Ruka being given such a task. Yuki hoped it would not cause her too much trouble.

“Would you play something for me before I leave you to change? I’ve missed the sound of it too much.”

Yuki nodded. She knew what Kaname’s favourite was, so she played that for him. As she began, Kaname stood and crossed the room to the sofa next to Yuki’s bookshelf, where she liked to curl up and read. She could see him from where she sat at the piano and, as he listened to her play, she thought he looked the most peaceful he had done all night. It made Yuki think that perhaps she really would be able to get through this week in one piece.

*

Kaname had gone to a lot of effort with his dinner preparations – or at least that was how it appeared to Yuki as she stepped into the dining room later that night. There were candles and fresh flowers everywhere, even little lights strung up from the ceiling and all of it so artfully arranged it made Yuki gasp slightly to see it. Of course, it occurred to her after a moment that it couldn’t have been Kaname who had done all this. He hadn’t had time since he’d left her room earlier to let her get ready. It was much more likely that he’d arranged for someone else to decorate so beautifully. And all for the sake of welcoming her home. She couldn’t believe it.

She felt glad, as she took it all in, that she had taken the time to get properly dressed up. Though to her, that mostly meant brushing her hair and finding a pair of delicate glittering shoes to match her dress and at the very least, she’d made sure her fingernails were clean. Whoever had set all this up had even made sure to match the colours of the flowers to those of her dress. And Yuki might well have come along in her pyjamas if Kaname hadn’t provided her with something specific to wear – imagine that!

What struck her most, as the feeling of awe at the sheer prettiness began to die down, was the very distinct romantic vibe she was getting from it all. And as Kaname pulled back her chair and smiled down at her as she sat, Yuki was not too sure how comfortable she felt with it.

“I can’t believe you went to all this trouble,” she murmured, still slightly wide eyed as she looked about.

Kaname took his seat opposite her – the arrangement of the flowers had been made just so that they did not obscure her view across the table to him. “I simply wanted to give you a proper welcome. Can’t I make a fuss over finally getting to see my dear girl again after so long?”

“That’s all I mean though; it’s only _me_ …” Yuki made herself smile as she said it, hoping to make her point without offending, “You really didn’t need to.”

“But I wanted to. And what trouble is it, compared to that of living without you?”

As simply as that, Yuki’s smile failed and she was unable to meet Kaname’s eyes. “We’ve already talked about why that is,” she mumbled. “Do we have to go through it again?”

“Of course not… shall we just let ourselves enjoy the rest of the night?” His tone was seemingly light but even so, Yuki thought there was a pointedness to it that was reminding her not to ask questions if she didn’t want to hear the answers to them.

Yuki nodded. She took a moment to compose herself then looked back to Kaname. “It’s really lovely, all of this,” she gestured at the decoration. “Thank you, Kaname.”

“It’s my pleasure, dear Yuki,” Kaname smiled.

They were quiet a moment and, on cue, one of the kitchen staff appeared holding a bottle of dark liquid. As he began to fill Kaname’s glass, Yuki spoke up with uncertainty, “Is that-”

“It’s just wine,” Kaname informed her. This came as a reassurance to Yuki, who knew it was common among vampires to lace their wine with blood, real blood. Most vampires did enjoy it, but you could not always be certain of whose blood you were drinking in such cocktails and Yuki had never liked the idea of it.

The vampire from the kitchens now brought the bottle to Yuki’s side of the table and she couldn’t help but look uncertainly again at Kaname. She had never had wine before. She wondered if this was another one of Kaname’s attempts to treat her more like an adult. She couldn’t help but think sometimes that these attempts were more like tests that he expected her to fail. Yuki hated thinking such things, but it was hard to forget the time he had kissed her and then laughed at her reaction. What else could that have been?

“Would you like some?” he asked her. After a moment’s hesitation Yuki nodded and thanked the other vampire as he poured her drink.

They drank to Yuki’s _long-awaited return_ and Yuki found herself having to fake another smile as she raised her glass. She wasn’t entirely sure that it was necessary for Kaname to keep bringing up her long absence like this. It was like he was _trying_ to make her feel bad.

Dinner passed quietly and, as it consisted of several courses, it passed slowly. It wasn’t awful – the food was delicious, but Yuki struggled to think of very much to say. She was already beginning to feel that she needed to monitor what she said around Kaname. Nearly every conversation they had had so far had gone completely the wrong way. Kaname seemed to find some reason to get upset at any mention of her life at the academy, and since he never really talked about himself that much, it left her at a loss at how to fill the awkward silences.

Yuki knew she shouldn’t, but she found herself wondering what it would have been like if Zero was the one she was having dinner with. She couldn’t imagine it though. Zero would never have thought that any of this decadence and formality was necessary. He would have cooked the meal himself, she thought. And Yuki could have chosen some music to put on while they ate and they’d have spent the night talking and just enjoying each other’s company. It never mattered what she did with Zero, Yuki just loved being with him. That was always more than enough for her.

She really missed him. Yuki wasn’t sure that it was at all reasonable to miss him so much when they had been parted less than a day, but she did anyway. Maybe it was just the thought of having to wait the better part of a week before she could see him again that made it worse.

Yuki sipped her wine and tried not to think about it. The wine tasted fine enough, though she felt tea would have been a preferable choice. She briefly wondered if it would make her drunk and then what sort of silly things might she say to Kaname. She doubted that would happen though, as she was getting through her glass very slowly and she felt no different so far.

She looked up to Kaname. He was watching her silently from across the table. Was he enjoying himself? Yuki could not tell, though there was nothing in his expression to suggest he wasn’t.

Yuki felt the need to make another attempt at conversation. “The food is really good.  It’s such a welcome relief from the Headmaster’s cooking.”

“I can imagine,” Kaname agreed. “The meal we shared during my last visit was very… interesting.”

“It’s always like that,” Yuki told him, and then she almost added that Zero’s cooking was always very good, so at least he made up for it – but she stopped herself, remembering the look on Kaname’s face the last time she’d mentioned Zero’s name to him.

“Are you enjoying yourself?” Kaname asked. It took Yuki a moment to realise that he meant tonight, not at the academy. She nodded. “Oh yes, it’s wonderful.” It wasn’t a total lie. She was definitely enjoying the food, and the room did look wonderful and she wanted to spend time with Kaname too… it was just everything in between that was making the situation kind of awkward. “I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit too quiet. I was up pretty early today.”

“In that case I’ll let you get to bed soon. I trust you’ll want dessert first though.”

“Of course.” Yuki always wanted dessert first. She perked up a little at the thought and as the final course was served her mood improved. She was looking forward to getting to bed. It wasn’t just that she’d been up early; this night had really exhausted her. Would the whole week play out like this, she wondered, with her constantly having to avoid saying the wrong thing, while simultaneously feeling guilty at not having more to say? In that case, how would she ever make her confession to Kaname? The memory of the look on his face when she had talked about Zero would not leave her alone. The more thought she gave to it, the less she felt like Kaname would understand. She was dreading having to say it, but she couldn’t be free until she did. With that thought, her good mood dissipated. For Kaname’s sake, because she didn’t want to ruin the meal he had so lovingly planned, she managed to finish what was on her plate. But after that, she excused herself as quickly as she could.

She was about to run for the door, but she made herself stop first and slowly make her way over to where her brother still sat. “It’s all caught up with me,” she told him. “I’m exhausted! But thank you, Kaname.” She hesitated a second and then leant down to kiss him on the cheek. “Good night.”

“Sleep well, Yuki,” Kaname murmured in response. She didn’t quite look him in the eye as he said it, not wanting to see if he had sensed her distress and was upset by it. Instead she forced one last smile and turned to leave.

*

The next evening, Kaname wandered the expansive halls of the Kuran Manor, looking for his sister. Or, rather, the girl who believed herself to be his sister. Kaname had never found a good time to tell Yuki the truth of the matter; that he was in fact an ancestor, the progenitor of her family line, awakened from his long slumber by the same despicable uncle who had murdered her parents.

Well, it was hardly a conversation topic to drop at random.

Kaname feared that the longer he took to find this perfect timing he was searching for, the less likely the revelation was to be well received. And yet to tell her now, when she seemed to be drifting so quickly beyond his reach, seemed just as foolish an endeavour. Surely it would only speed up the process of her leaving.

The option Kaname was beginning to think he might like the best was to never tell her at all. After all, she suspected nothing, and as long as he remained her beloved brother, she could not slip all the way through his fingers.

He could not lose her completely. She was the one source of light in this dark and everlasting life of his. As long as this sibling bond tied her to him, he could wait until the time she chose to return to his side. He had it in him to be patient. And for now, perhaps she was safer out of the way. It gave Kaname time to search for the best way to keep the aforementioned murderous uncle, Rido Kuran, from coming back for Yuki.

He was glad, however, to have her back to himself for the rest of this week. Or he would be, if he managed to find wherever she was hiding.

It wasn’t difficult really. As soon as he neared the kitchen, he caught the scent of her on the air. He’d missed that scent. This house had not been the same without it. He followed it into the kitchen.

It was not often that he visited this part of the manor. When he was home these days Kaname had fallen into the habit of locking himself into his room with only blood tablets to sustain him. He knew that the few servants he had kept on since the deaths of Haruka and Juri worried at this behaviour. They sent meals to his room, but it was of little use to him. His hunger was such that nothing could touch it now that Yuki no longer wanted to be here.

But before things had gone this way, it had not been uncommon to find Yuki in the kitchens snacking. So even though so many months had passed since Kaname had been down here, it was still such a familiar feeling to return, looking for her. There was no sign of Yuki in the kitchen itself but Kaname did not stop. He walked right to the other side of the room and pulled open the door to the pantry.

He sighed at the sight in front of him. Yuki, in one of the lovely dresses he had picked out for her, was sitting on the floor and she was eating some sort of vivid orange snack food out of a very large bag.

Her _oh-no-I’ve-been-caught_ expression was priceless – entirely worth whatever damage might have been done to the dress – but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t play along with it. Teasing her was entirely too much fun.

“Yuki. Just what sort of princess sits on a dirty floor, eating food with her hands?”

Yuki’s guilty expression intensified. “Oh. Um… the hungry kind?” she squeaked like a little mouse caught – well, caught exactly as she just had been: raiding the pantry.

“So that’s what you’ve chosen to eat? Should I inform the cook that you won’t be needing any lunch today?”

The panicked look on Yuki’s face, as she jumped to her feet and began to insist that that would not be the case, made him chuckle and slowly it dawned on her that she’d been tricked.

“Kaname!” she complained, placing a hand over heart as though anything besides considerable violence and hunter magic could cause that precious organ to fail. “Don’t joke about something like that.”

“Yuki… If it’s hunger that’s bothering you, I’d be more than happy to oblige…”

Kaname did not miss the way Yuki’s gaze flickered away from his, or the moment it took her to compose her expression into a smile that did not reach her eyes, before she looked back at him saying, “That’s okay Kaname. I’m really fine.”

Kaname had to take a moment then to try and bite back the surge of jealousy inside him, but it proved rather a difficult task. He knew what this was all about, though he was still working on his understanding of just how far that hunter had come between him and his precious girl. Had she been receiving blood from him? He had not smelled it on her so far, but perhaps he had not been paying close enough attention. He moved closer to Yuki. But her blood smelled perfectly normal. Pure. Enticing…

There was no doubt in Kaname’s mind that that low-life hunter-vampire had experienced the pleasures of tasting it too. What a foolishly kind-hearted creature his dear Yuki was. This was the reason he wanted her here with him. There were too many foul, undeserving leeches in the world who would take advantage of such kindness.

Kaname reached out a hand and brushed Yuki’s long hair behind her shoulders.

“Oh, really? That’s good to hear.” His response may have been a little stiff. He couldn’t quite bring himself to mean a word of it. “I myself have been going hungry for quite a while.”

He stared at the now exposed skin of Yuki’s neck, his intent clear. He began to lean in…

“Ah… no! Please, I smell all cheesy!” Yuki burst out, to Kaname’s utter astonishment. Yuki turned bright red as she realised how silly her declaration had sounded. “I mean,” she began to amend, “This isn’t really the place for it. I should go and clean up first and then we can get back to… to _that_ later.”

Even as she spoke, she had already begun to edge her way out from between him and the shelves she had been leaning against when he came in before. Kaname could only stare at her as she did so, not trusting himself to speak.

“I’ll try not to take too long,” she called back to him as she scurried from the room.

Kaname stared after her, his mouth set in a dissatisfied line. Distantly he registered the sound of glass breaking, as several jars lining the pantry shelves shattered, the sound signalling his momentary slip of control over the growing rage inside him.

*

The second Yuki’s door closed behind her, she was against it, sinking to the floor with her head in her hands. She could not seem to get the pounding of her heart to slow. _Just what sort of stupid involuntary reaction is this,_ she asked herself. _You had every reason to expect it sooner or later, so why freak out about it now?_

She supposed the knew why really. Though knowing it didn’t make her feel any less annoyed at herself. Before Kaname had come to her and she had been snacking by herself, her thoughts had begun to wander, and they had ended up in the same place they always did. Zero. She’d thought about how he’d probably be starting prefect rounds soon and that had somehow led to disbelief that only the night before last, they had slept side by side. It already felt like forever ago. And though Yuki knew it was not something that could continue once she returned, she longed to be there anyway. Then all her thoughts were consumed by the memory of how it felt to wake up beside him, how she had slid over into his arms, felt the warmth of them and been enveloped by his delicious scent, which was pain as much as it was pleasure. And the pain was always worth it – she had no doubt of that in her mind.

It was so easy to get drawn into those memories. She might have been again if not for the urgency of the current situation.

Bad as Yuki had felt about it, she’d had to refuse Kaname just then. Every drop of her blood would have been saturated with her thoughts of Zero and the night they’d spent together. Yuki wanted to tell Kaname the truth, but that was not how she was going to do it. Those thoughts were private.

She had to clear her head. And fast, because Kaname might be coming to find her at any moment.

Yuki got up and went to her private bathroom where she turned on the tap and splashed her face with some cold water. She actually groaned aloud as she recalled the words she’d told Kaname when he’d meant to drink from her just before. She was mortified that of all the excuses she could have come up with it had been that one that had come out of her mouth.

Think about something else, she told herself as she washed the last of the orange residue from her face and hands. Think about getting out of this house and seeing somewhere completely new. She was thrilled that Kaname had agreed to this outing. It was exactly what they needed, just to take some time to not have to think about all the things that had put such a strain on their relationship. She could finally prove to Kaname that there was no harm in her being allowed to see the outdoors once in a while. Even better to prove that it was something they could enjoy together.

Excited as she was about it, there was a nagging worry that she struggled to get rid of. Yuki did not think things could go to plan if Kaname saw anything she didn’t want him to in her blood tonight. That he had asked for it so suddenly had spoiled her plans a little, because she did not seem to be doing brilliantly when it came to clearing her mind. Her own thirst was part of the problem. Yuki had hoped it might let up somewhat in Zero’s absence, without the tempting scent of him around her at all times. But now, she was not quite sure if it might actually be worse. Perhaps the problem was that she missed him so much.

Though Kaname had offered and Yuki knew he wanted her to drink from him, it didn’t feel right to do so. Her thirst was for Zero alone, this she was certain of now, and to attempt to use her brother’s blood as a substitute was unfair to Kaname. It wouldn’t work anyway; the relief would be temporary and the guilt at having used him would last much longer.

Yuki exited the bathroom and went to find her blood tablets. She’d unpacked them into her bedside drawer, which was the handiest place she could keep them, considering that hardly any of her dresses had pockets. She took the box from the drawer and emptied a few of the chalky white pills onto her palm. As she did so, she wondered if, when he came to her, Kaname would be able to tell that she had taken them so soon after refusing his blood. She thought it was likely that he would, and he wouldn’t like it one bit. But it wasn’t for him to judge, Yuki decided, with a strained feeling that wasn’t quite confidence, as it would likely crumble if Kaname did choose to question her about it. How she dealt with her thirst was Yuki’s decision though. She would not take his blood, so tablets it would have to be.

She swallowed them with a gulp of water from a glass she’d left out on her bedside table and winced a little at the bitter flavour. They were awful, but they did the job. Though they never could quench her thirst all the way, they made it manageable, a feeling Yuki was used to by now.

With that done, Yuki wondered when Kaname might come to her – or if she should go to him instead. She wasn’t sure that she was entirely ready, but after a while she began to feel that she couldn’t wait any longer. It was making her too anxious to sit and wonder why he wasn’t showing up. Better to go to him and find out.

On days that Kaname was not already with her, the most likely place to find him would be his study, so that was where she headed. Sure enough, as she neared that part of the house, she began to sense his presence more clearly. Yuki approached the room slowly. She knew that there was little point in hovering outside while she tried to make up her mind what to say to him. As long as she was able to sense him, he would definitely know that she was there too. She gave herself only a moment to pluck up her courage, and then she knocked on the door.

Kaname’s voice sounded normal enough as he called for her to enter. But when she pushed the door open, she only had to take one look at his face from across the room to know that there was something wrong. Yuki only caught the look for a moment, before Kaname’s frown rearranged itself into something more neutral. She hovered by the open door and he looked at her, like he was waiting for her to speak first.

“I was waiting,” Yuki told him, awkwardly. “I thought that you were going to come…”

Kaname gazed at evenly at her for a long time, before saying, “I had the impression you didn’t want me to.”

He spoke the words so calmly, but Yuki could sense the feeling behind them; he was deeply unhappy with her. Yuki kicked herself all over again. If she had only reacted more calmly earlier, rather than running away, then she might have avoided this.

“I just wasn’t ready before… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Perhaps I was too presumptuous. It’s been a long time since I last tasted the blood of the one most dear to me. I admit, I thought you’d be more willing.”

“I-I am… willing…”

Kaname stared at her. “Is that so?”

Yuki didn’t know what to say. She had meant to sound more confidant, but it was so difficult with the cold way he was looking at her. He was trying to mask his anger, but she could still feel it. She didn’t know what to do with it. She wanted to help him with his thirst, and to soothe his hurt feelings while she was at it, but it wasn’t coming across to him at all.

After a long, painfully drawn out moment, Kaname got to his feet. He crossed the room and shut the door behind Yuki. The movement brought him close beside her and now he looked down at her with the same expression he’d been wearing since she walked in – only now Yuki could really feel the intensity in it. He leaned in closer so that she could feel his breath on her cheek, as he whispered, “May I?”

Yuki nodded stiffly, and her eyes widened. Kaname’s eyes were fast taking on a blood tinged hue. She could see it clearly now; the hunger that had been lurking beneath his calm façade. Perhaps it was that which fuelled the anger she’d been able to feel from him. Very slowly, he backed her towards the door he’d just closed, until she was leaning against it – trapped against it - the thought came to her involuntarily as she looked up into his crimson stare. She supressed a shiver, but there was little use in trying to hide her nerves. He could sense them. She knew it as he stared down at her.

Kaname reached up and pushed Yuki’s hair back behind her shoulder. Then, with a light touch, he placed his fingers beneath her chin, urging it up to expose her throat. It was only then that his eyes left hers and Yuki felt free to close them. She reminded herself not to think of anything she didn’t want him to see. _Think of the old days_ , she told herself, _before everything started to feel so weird between us._

Now Kaname’s breath was warm on her neck. And then his lips brushed against her skin. Yuki tried to make herself relax into it, but she didn’t quite manage it before she felt the sting of his fangs piercing her skin. The pain worsened for a few seconds before it gradually began to ease off, as the blood was drawn from her. She had done this a hundred times before. It was quite natural really. The only difference was that she had to keep cutting off thoughts that she worried would give too much away. She didn’t know how much of it would come across to Kaname. It was the best she could do, though, as she didn’t seem to be able to clear her mind fully.

Time seemed to slow with every swallow Kaname took of her blood. It was only when he stopped that she realised he had not taken very much from her at all. As he withdrew, Yuki saw that she had been holding on tight to a fistful of Kaname’s shirt. She released the fabric now and looked up at him. “That is enough,” he said, as if to answer some unspoken question. He turned from her and began to walk back to his desk. “You may go now, if you wish.”

The dismissal took Yuki by surprise. Was he still angry with her? She hadn’t thought she’d shared anything that incriminating in her blood. But maybe she was mistaken.

“What will you do?” she asked him

“I have some things to attend to here,” Kaname told her. He didn’t look up as he spoke.

As much as Yuki hadn’t wanted to come here, now she found she didn’t want to go. It felt wrong to have given him her blood, only to be turned away so abruptly afterwards. “Isn’t it around lunch time now?” she tried.

“You go ahead without me, Yuki. Your blood is enough for me.”

It was like her blood had made no difference to his mood whatsoever. He had adopted the very same manner he’d used with her before. But Yuki had more that she wanted to say and if Kaname was not coming to lunch then she wasn’t sure when else she could say it, “I thought that we might go somewhere tonight. Like we discussed yesterday.”

Again, Kaname did not look up from his papers as he answered her, “Not tonight, Yuki.”

And there was the disappointment she was used to. She’d let herself get so excited yesterday, but perhaps she should have realised that something would happen to dash her hopes. She couldn’t even argue, simply because she knew Kaname and knew that there wasn’t any use in it. Kaname just wasn’t a person you could argue with.

With that, there was nothing more to say. Yuki turned and left.

*

Kaname must have discovered something from her blood that she hadn’t meant him to. That was the only explanation Yuki could come up with for why he had acted the way he did earlier that night. She was still struggling to rid herself of the horrible feeling it had left her with to have trusted him with something as intimate as blood sharing, only to be coldly turned away a few minutes later.

She sat in her room now, feeling alone in a way she hadn’t done in months. She wished she could talk to Zero, but the only telephone in the house was in Kaname’s study and she certainly wasn’t going back there to ask to use it. She had never had any use for a phone of her own before. This was the first time she’d ever felt as though she needed one.

She played her piano, because that was the only thing she could think to do to comfort herself. This seemed to be the way things always went in this house. It was hard to decide on whether it felt like nothing had changed or everything had. Maybe it was both at once.

Kaname came to her, eventually. He knocked lightly on the door and entered quietly, speaking only to tell her to go on playing when she hesitated and looked up at him. He took a seat in the same chair he’d used last night, behaving so far as though nothing had happened between them since then.

Yuki tried to go on with her song, but she couldn’t focus. Her fingers stopped over the piano keys and she didn’t know what to say, so the room fell silent.

After a moment, Kaname spoke up, “I behaved poorly earlier, I know…”

It wasn’t just the words that took Yuki by surprise, it was the way he said them. Kaname always sounded so sure of himself, but there was an uncertainty in his voice now that Yuki had never heard from him before. She found it impossible to respond.

“The time I spent watching over you has flown by so fast… and yet, there are moments I think it felt like a whole lifetime… The two of us, together in this place – we were each other’s whole worlds.”

Yuki didn’t know why Kaname was saying this, where he was going with it, or what he truly meant even. All she knew was that it didn’t ring true for her. She hadn’t believed that for a long time, if ever.

She spoke cautiously, “I’m not sure that that’s true, Kaname… I think… you were mine - you were my world. But it wasn’t the same for you. You always had much more than me.”

“Do you truly believe that?” Kaname shook his head, but he spoke calmly still, “No, Yuki… I don’t know what my life would be without you.”

“That doesn’t mean the same thing.”

“It means that I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you,” Kaname said seriously. His dark eyes bored into hers. He didn’t seem angry, but there was an intensity in his stare that made her just as nervous. “I’d rather die than find out.”

The words cut deeply. Yuki’s hands trembled over the piano keys, where they had frozen in place earlier. She never knew how serious Kaname was being when he said things like this. That was what frightened her the most about this entire situation.

“You won’t lose me Kaname. That’s impossible. So please, please don’t say something like that.”

And if this was the moment Yuki had been waiting for, to broach the serious topic she wanted to discuss, she let it pass. The lonely look in her brother’s eyes was more than she could stand. She didn’t understand how it could be because of her, what she could have done to inspire such a terrible feeling. Nonetheless, she was filled with a familiar painful urge to do whatever she could to comfort him. She got up from her seat and approached Kaname and, climbing up onto the arm of his chair, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled his head to her chest. Her hair fell forwards, obscuring her vision as she bowed her head over his.

Yuki held her brother and she feared more than ever the conversation she would have to have before the week was out. With a dreadful, sinking feeling, she considered the possibility that her words might cause irreversible damage, and she wondered how she would live with herself then. The way things were going, Yuki didn’t know how she would ever say what she needed to say to Kaname. And if that were the case, if she couldn’t go through with it – what would become of her and Zero then?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry for the delay everyone! Just blame Kaname okay… heh… I’d been thinking that I needed to break up the Zeki fluff a bit in order to keep things interesting, but I don’t think I’d really considered how painful it was actually going to be to write. I really miss Zero now. Though, strangely enough the Kaname POV (which I attempted mostly out of curiosity) was pretty fun to write. I was kind of hangry at the time, and my sister had stolen the soup I was going to have for my lunch so I just really… channelled that rage… I really feel like I got inside Kaname’s head, you know.   
> Aha… anyway, before I go, I wanted to point out that there are a few chapters that I’ve gone back and tweaked a bit. The only significant change I’ve made is in chapter 12 – it doesn’t really affect the storyline at all, but I decided to change and extend the last scene where Yuki talks to Zero about how her parents died. I’m sorry if it’s annoying for me to change things that happened ages ago, but it makes me feel happier with the scene anyway. I only mention it in case you do want to go back and check it out. The other changes I’ve made are just some rewording of dialogue here and there, nothing very important.  
> Thank you all for reading! I’m not sure how long the next chapter will take. I’ve started it already and I’m kind of struggling a bit. I guess I’ll just have to power through. Okay, sorry for rambling so much, but thanks again! And thank you especially to those who have left lovely messages for me about the story. It makes my day every time, I swear.  
> (chapter title from Your Only Doll (Dora) by Laura Marling)


	36. Lately I've been crying like a tall child

On Yuki’s third night back at the Kuran Manor, Ruka Souen came, as Kaname had said she would, to help Yuki pick a dress for the soiree.

As refreshing as it was to Yuki to be allowed to decide – at least in part – on her own party attire for once, she could not help but feel that it would have been a lot more fun to go for a walk outside instead of being stuck in the house for another night. After thinking it, she mentally kicked herself for being ungrateful. Ruka was here as a favour, and besides, having more people around the house (Ruka had come with a dressmaker and a few of her own personal maids) certainly helped to ease the tension that had been growing between Yuki and Kaname lately.

It was a little bit boring though.

Each dress Yuki had to choose from was very similar to the last, she thought. It seemed that Ruka – if she had indeed made the selection herself - had chosen each of the dresses she’d brought with her, based on what she thought Kaname would approve of. So none of them were really that different from the kind of thing Yuki had worn to every other soiree she’d been to.

She made a show of trying on each one, because that was what Ruka and her entourage seemed to want. She couldn’t help but feel a bit silly though. Yuki didn’t know these women, and yet here she was, having to change behind a screen from one dress into another and then parade around in it while they chatted amongst themselves about what they did or didn’t like about each one. It was like a cliché changing room montage from countless movies Yuki had seen. Except girls in those movies were usually with their friends. Yuki wished that Yori could be here with her. It would have made the process a lot more tolerable.

“Well, Yuki-sama?” Ruka said, and Yuki was surprised to be addressed at last, she was beginning to wonder if they intended to make a decision on the dress without asking her at all. “Which is your favourite?”

Ruka had already expressed her liking for the second dress Yuki had tried on, and yet, Yuki could not recall ever seeing the other girl wearing anything remotely like it. It didn’t seem to be to Ruka’s usual taste at all. Yuki, however, had worn something remarkably similar, picked out by Kaname, only last year. It was obvious what Ruka was doing, but whether it was of her own volition, in an attempt to impress Kaname, or he had intentionally tried to influence Yuki’s decision through Ruka, Yuki couldn’t tell.

In the end, it was only the last dress which stood out to Yuki very much more than the others. It was a pale pink slip, with a sheer white overlay. The high neckline and short sleeves of the overlay were a simple cut, but it was covered with hundreds of intricately beautiful embroidered pink and yellow flowers. It was elegant and mature in a way that the other dresses with their ruffles and cute collars didn’t quite manage, and it looked so lovely on her that Yuki didn’t mind that it was the best of a rather limited selection. It may not have been Kaname’s first choice, but she didn’t think he could disapprove of it.

“This one,” Yuki murmured, eyeing her reflection in the huge full-length mirror attached to the wall. “Definitely.”

“Really? Hmm, well it is very nice on you.” Ruka turned back to her maids, “What would we do with her hair? A headband maybe? It can’t be anything too decorative, but she shouldn’t just leave it loose either.”

Yuki found she agreed, the dress was too pretty to be covered up by her long hair. “I could wear it up,” she suggested.

Ruka frowned a little, “Doesn’t Kaname-sama prefer for you to wear your hair down, though?”

This was true, but Yuki couldn’t believe her brother had told Ruka that. Maybe she was just really observant. It was kind of getting in the way of Yuki’s attempt to dress the way _she_ wanted to for a change, though. She tried to make her voice sound authoritative, though she was uncertain if she managed to pull it off, “A slight change of hairstyle for one night is hardly going to hurt him, is it?”

Ruka was looking at her like she was trying to picture it. “A low bun probably would compliment the outfit perfectly,” she agreed, much to Yuki’s pleasure. “Let’s tie it up and see. It needs to be out of the way for the alterations anyway.”

Soon after that, Yuki was ushered up on top of a stool, where she was made to stand very still while the dressmaker began her work, determining what alterations needed to be made for the best fit. All the while, Ruka ordered the woman about so much, Yuki wondered why she didn’t just do the job herself. She seemed to be quite efficient when it came to organising things though. And Yuki quietly admired her confidence – she didn’t think she’d ever be as sure of herself as Ruka seemed to be.

By this point, Ruka was busy making sure that everything ran smoothly, and Yuki had very little to do besides keep still and try not to get poked by the pins put in to mark where the dress was to be altered to better fit her. Her mind was left to wander and Kaname was nowhere to be seen, so Yuki did not waste a minute trying not to think about Zero.

She wondered how he was getting on, what sort of things he was doing while she was away. She imagined what she would say if she could talk to him now. She wasn’t sure what the likelihood was of her getting to talk to Zero any time before the soiree.  She had a phone number for the Headmaster’s house; she’d written it down and tucked it inside a book she’d brought back with her. But to use it, she’d likely have to have Kaname’s approval, and Yuki was far from certain that he would be willing to give it, given the way he’d been acting lately.

Talking on the telephone would be very strange anyway, she thought in an attempt to console herself, at least it always had been with Kaname. She’d only ever spoken to Kaname over the phone a handful of times while she’d been at the academy, and she had never really liked it. This was why she usually wrote letters instead. On the phone with Kaname, any lull in the conversation became awkward too quickly. It had always made her uncomfortable; she’d be itching to hang up, but not knowing if she was being rude and ending the conversation too soon. But when she thought about it, it was awkward nearly as often just talking to Kaname face to face.

With Zero it would be different. And in any case, she only needed a few minutes. Just to hear his voice for a short while would be enough.

But it was a while before any opportunity to use the phone in secret arose for her. Yuki’s fourth night in the Kuran manor passed uneventfully. Yuki did what she could to keep Kaname from becoming upset with her again. Her attempts seemed to be working well enough, but it was tiring.  And, all the while, she had the weight of the conversation she still needed to have with him, hanging over her, making her smile just that little bit more difficult to keep in place. She knew she was being a coward. She knew that she could not go back to the Academy without telling him, but still, she could not do it. The conversation they’d had the day he’d taken her blood was haunting her. The more thought she gave it, the less she felt she had it in her to face another conversation like it. Every opportunity she might have had to speak, she used it to appease him instead, debating constantly whether being brave would be worth the damage it might cause.

The night after that, Kaname left the house shortly after breakfast, making some vague excuse to her about there being something he needed to attend to. This sort of thing barely phased Yuki anymore. She’d given up trying to get specifics out of him and anyway, she was more interested now in the possibility that she might be able to talk to Zero tonight. The timing could hardly have been more perfect. It was early, so she wouldn’t be disturbing anyone by calling, and Zero should not have to start prefect duties for a while yet.

Kaname left her in the dining room, where she waited until she heard the distant sound of the front door closing upstairs. But she did not move immediately. Yuki could not quite stop herself from feeling troubled at how quickly the plan to sneak off to Kaname’s study to call Zero had formed in her mind. The moment Kaname had mentioned having to leave the manor for a short while to Yuki, her mood had brightened – though she hoped not visibly so.

Now she wondered if it might have seemed at all suspicious that she had not asked to go with him. She had been dying to get out of the house all week, after all. But the thought hadn’t even occurred to her until now. In fact, she was at the point of thinking that Kaname had never really meant it at all when he’d said they would go somewhere together. Just then, she’d had an opportunity to bring up again and she hadn’t bothered at all. Her desire for a chance to talk to Zero felt more urgent. 

Yuki just wished that she didn’t feel the need to sneak around. She felt so bad about it, but Kaname had made his mistrust of Zero so obvious that she simply couldn’t imagine him reacting well to her wanting to call him. It was better to do it this way. And she should hurry, she realised, as Kaname had only promised that he would not be long. She didn’t know how long that really meant.

She got to her feet and, sensing that the coast was clear, she made her way to Kaname’s study. She had to stop by her own room on the way, to pick up the number she’d written down for Kaien’s house. When she arrived at the study, she had to take a moment to steel herself in front of the closed door. Yuki had never done anything like this before. She was not exactly defying Kaname – he’d never told her not to – but it felt like an act of defiance anyway. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that.

Yuki pushed open the door and stepped inside. The phone was on the desk by the opposite wall. It used to be her mother’s desk, that one. Both her parents used this room when they were alive, before it passed down to Kaname. Yuki remembered playing on this floor as a small child, while her parents busied themselves with grownup tasks. Looking at Kaname’s papers in untidy stacks on their father’s old desk, Yuki had the feeling that little had really changed since then. She was still a child, left to entertain herself for a short while, as others took care of more important issues. She didn’t know what Kaname was doing now. She hadn’t asked. Was that because she was too absorbed in her own childish world to pay attention to anything else? But that seemed to be how Kaname wanted her. If she didn’t ask questions, it was because Kaname had so often refused to answer them.

She didn’t want to let herself think about that any longer. She sat at her mother’s old desk, picked up the phone and carefully dialled the number for Cross Academy. Somehow, it didn’t matter that the place she was calling had become a home to her, she still felt a nervous feeling fluttering in her belly as she listened to the ring. It already felt like she’d been away too long, like it was a real long shot that she could pick up a telephone and hope to receive even some semblance of the peace she’d become so used to by Zero’s side.

Then Kaien’s voice sounded in her ear and Yuki’s nerves began to seem quite silly to her. “Headmaster,” she said with a smile, “It’s Yuki. How are you?”

“Yuki! How lovely to hear from you!” Kaien replied cheerily. “I’m very well. How about you? I bet it’s good to be back home after so long.”

“Oh – it’s, um… always rather quiet here, actually… it makes me miss the Academy.”

“Really? Well I’m happy to know you’re thinking of us over there. How is Kaname?”

“He’s… fine, I think. He’s the same as always, you know, it’s kind of hard to tell…”

If Kaien noticed any discomfort in Yuki’s voice, he didn’t let on. But Yuki was grateful when he changed the subject. Yuki had been away only a few days, so there wasn’t much to catch up on. They chatted briefly, and then Yuki asked if she could talk to Zero.

“Oh, I think he’s around here somewhere. Just hold on while I find him.”

Yuki waited as Kaien wandered off in search of him. She felt a happy surge of anticipation, knowing that any moment now she would get to hear his voice again. It intensified as she heard footsteps approach and the receiver being picked up, and then, “Hello.” Yuki’s smile took over her face.

“Hi Zero… I hope it’s okay for me to call like this.”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” His voice was quiet, the way it always sounded to her when it was just the two of them. It both soothed her and filled her with longing all at once.

“Oh, I don’t know…” Now she felt a little bit silly for worrying. “We’ve never done this before.”

“That’s true… I wasn’t sure whether to expect to hear from you or not.”

Yuki didn’t know if she should tell him that she’d wanted to call sooner, but that she couldn’t because of Kaname. She thought it might worry Zero, so she kept it to herself. But when Zero asked how she was, and she found herself responding brightly with, “I’m okay!” she wondered why it was she felt the need to lie. This was Zero, after all, and if there was anyone in the world she could be honest with, then surely it was him.  But the conversation went on, not giving Yuki time to properly reconsider her words.

“So, what is it… You wanted to check up on me?” She could hear the slightly dry and almost teasing tone to his words, and how it meant that, if she was worrying, it was over nothing. It brought a small, slightly sad smile to her lips as she pictured the way his face would look when he spoke like that.

“A little… Though, it’s more that I missed you… A lot. Is that really weird?”

He paused before answering, and it was strange, not being able to see how he was taking her words. “Maybe… though I don’t mind it.”

“That’s good… I suppose you’re used to it by now,” Yuki murmured, though her smile was faint now. She _was_ happy: talking to Zero was such a relief. But she wanted to see him. It had been so easy to believe him earlier in the week, when he’d told her that she had the strength already in her to face Kaname honestly. When she could feel his hand in hers and see him looking calmly back at her… that made it easy. Now he was so far away…

“To you being weird?” she heard something like a small laugh, “I suppose that’s true.”

She just giggled softly, because if he liked it, then that was fine by her. “How have you been?” she asked in a quiet voice.

“Same as usual...”

“The good kind of same?” she checked.

“The boring kind… It’s quiet. Well, mostly; the Headmaster’s still here.”

“But you’re okay?”

“Yeah… I’m okay.”

“I’m glad.” Though she felt her heart warm with the words, there was still an ache there. She had known that he was doing much better in recent weeks, and she felt relieved to hear that she had not been forced to abandon him while he needed her, but there was still some left-over worry after the night she’d stayed in his room. Their talk about Ichiru was still fresh on her mind and it was more difficult to let go of when she couldn’t actually _see_ that he was okay. But he sounded it. She could sense no reason not to believe him.

“It’s so good to hear you,” she told him. “Lately it’s been like… like I could have imagined it all, or something… Everything’s different here.”

“Different from what?”

“Different from the Academy. This house never changes. It’s hard to believe that I’ll ever get out… that I ever did before…” The words came out without her really meaning them to and, with that, it seemed her decision to tell him how she was really feeling had been made.

“Yuki? It’s been four days. What are you talking about?” She could hear the concern in Zero’s voice, along with his confusion.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled. She hadn’t realised that she was going to cry, but now it seemed like the tears had been there all along, just waiting to fall. “Really, I’m not even sure if it’s that nothing’s changed, or if actually, it’s all just… falling apart…”

“Did you talk to your brother?”

Yuki shook her head before she remembered to speak, “No. I can’t… I mean, I will – I have to. But I don’t know how.” Then, she couldn’t help it, she sniffled, and Zero heard her do it. If he hadn’t heard the tears in her voice before then he certainly knew about them now.

“Yuki… What’s making you so upset?”

Could she explain it to him? She already wished she hadn’t brought it up. She was making him worry. How could have allowed herself to do that to him when he was so helplessly far away from her? But she was too far gone to stop her tears now. The weight of everything Kaname seemed to want from her, everything she knew she could never provide for him, had been building with every moment she spent here. It was a wonder she hadn’t cracked sooner.

“I’m sorry…” she sobbed quietly into the receiver, “I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t…” Zero broke off with a sigh. He didn’t know what to say, but she didn’t blame him. It was her fault for not realising how badly she had needed his shoulder to cry on. “Explain to me… please.”

“I don’t know. I just… I can’t remember if it was always like this…” Yuki mumbled through her tears. She wasn’t sure that she was even making sense. “Did he always…” she stopped and shook her head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I really need to shut up.”

“Don’t say that…” he trailed off into silence and Yuki wiped at her tears, willing them to stop. “Shit… What can I do?”

“I didn’t mean to make you worry… I just wanted to talk to you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Yuki.”

Yuki felt her tears threaten to double as she heard that voice – with its kindness, with its gentleness that only she knew about – whispering in her ear. Zero was so… he was so good. She loved him so, so much that she would have done anything for him. But he never expected a thing from her. She held back the rush of emotion and choked out, “Thank you… Zero… for answering – for being there.”

“It’s… nothing,” he said it again like didn’t know what words to use. But she understood; it was difficult for them both. They’d never had to rely only on words with each other before.

“No. It’s not that…”

“Yuki, tell me… did he do something to you?”

“No… not really… It was just something he said… He says things that make me not know how I can say what I mean to say to him. They make me scared to tell him.”

Zero was silent and once again she wished that she could read his expression. “Zero?” she prompted after a long moment, wondering if their connection had been lost somehow.

She heard him sigh. “It sounds like…he’s trying to manipulate you.”

Now Yuki fell quiet. A discomforting feeling stirred within her. She didn’t want to think of Kaname like that, but hadn’t the thought of it crossed her mind too? “I don’t know,” she murmured eventually.

“If you’re blaming yourself again then stop. There’s no need to keep punishing yourself. If things are bad, then you can come back. You can think of another way to talk to him.”

Yuki thought about it. It was so tempting to think of returning to Cross Academy and perhaps even confronting Kaname there, with others nearby who she knew she could draw strength from. It would be easier – but Yuki wasn’t sure it would be fair. “I can’t run away. I’ve left it too long already… Besides, how would it be any easier to say that I want to leave early?”

Yuki sighed heavily. At some point in the conversation, her tears had stopped, and she wiped at the leftover damp on her cheeks. She felt tired now. This wasn’t what she had wanted to talk about with him. “Zero, can you just talk to me for a while? I don’t want to think about this stuff. Could you tell me about something else? Talk about your day or something like that? For just a short while… I want to feel like I’m a little bit closer to you somehow.”

“If that will help…”

“It will.”

So, Zero obliged. And it did help. Listening to him, knowing that life at Cross Academy was the same as ever, was a comfort. It reminded her that even when everything seemed to be falling apart around her, there was still something solid for her to hold on to.

In the end, she needn’t have worried about talking on the phone being awkward. Like so much with her and Zero, it came naturally. But it was bittersweet. She still longed to hold him. She felt awful that she had worried him earlier. If only he could see how he brought the smile back to her face now… The tone of their conversation had lightened as it progressed; he was cheering her up.

They had not really been talking for all that long when Yuki heard a distant noise somewhere else in the manor. At first, Yuki brushed it off, more interested in what Zero had to say, and thinking it was probably just one of the servants anyway. But after a minute or so, Yuki felt a distinct presence that made her start. Kaname was back already.

Yuki felt a horrible surge of panic go through her as she realised, but she had to force it away. There was no time to try and hide what she had been doing.

“Zero,” she said, hoping that she sounded a lot calmer than she felt, “I have to go.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Thank you, Zero. It was really good to talk to you. I’m sorry to go so abruptly… but I’ll see you soon okay?”

“Yeah… goodbye Yuki.”

“Goodbye.” With a feeling of reluctance, Yuki hung up.

Kaname was outside the study. Yuki looked up at to the door, just as he opened it. She was expecting him to look just like he had the other day, before taking her blood. But he was simply looking at her with raised eyebrows.

“So you’re here,” he said, and Yuki wondered if this meant that he had not just overheard the end of her conversation with Zero. She did not know how that could be, though.

“Yeah,” Yuki said, trying her hardest to behave naturally. “I wanted to use the phone… you don’t mind, do you?”

Kaname didn’t so much as blink. “Why would I mind?” The way he said it, Yuki wasn’t sure if he might actually be expecting an answer from her. She chose to take the question as a rhetorical one anyway, and felt the relief that he did not seem to be angry flood into her.

“I didn’t have anyone to talk to, so I thought I’d find out what was going on at the Academy… since the Headmaster gave me the number and all. I didn’t realise you would be back so soon though.”

Kaname crossed the room slowly and leaned against the desk Yuki was sitting at before answering. “I decided that it could wait. I’d much rather spend the night with you.”

Yuki stared up at him in surprise, quite unable to answer. How many times had she longed to hear Kaname say those words to her, instead of leaving her alone in this house? And why had he chosen to say them now, rather than thinking about what he wanted before leaving?

“You wanted to go out somewhere, didn’t you? Shall we go now?”

“Uh…” Yuki was still staring up at him with wide eyes, “Can we really?”

Kaname nodded. He was wearing a faint smile and, as far as she could tell, he was a little amused by her slow response. But Yuki was feeling something she couldn’t quite understand. When she went to her room to pick up a cardigan to wear over her dress, her feelings were nowhere near the excitement she had felt the first night, when Kaname had first agreed to take her out. She realised after a while that the feeling was mistrust. She had been disappointed by Kaname too many times this week. Even as she went to meet him by the door, she struggled to believe that he would really follow through with it.

But he had her coat out, ready for her, and he waited while she put it on, followed by her boots. Then they were heading outside and Kaname was opening a door to an unfamiliar car. She looked questioningly at him as he waited for her to climb into the passenger seat. Usually the car she travelled in was bigger, and she always sat in the back. “You’re driving?”

“I thought it would be nicer if it was just the two of us,” Kaname replied smoothly. Yuki got in and he closed the door for her. Then he went around to the driver’s side.

“Where are we going?” Yuki asked him once he was seated.

“Somewhere you’ll like.”

It took the start of the engine, and sight of the trees lining the drive beginning to sweep past her as they gained speed, for Yuki to finally believe that Kaname was giving her what she wanted at last.

Soon enough, they were speeding along the moonlit mountain roads and Yuki began to feel a thrill that she had only known a few times in her life; this was new and exciting. Yuki had her face very nearly pressed against the window as she peered out at the vast landscape of hills rolling out beyond a valley strewn with pine trees. She could just make out a river far below, glistening in the moonlight. She wondered now if Kaname had waited for this night on purpose. The moon hung full above them, casting its silvery light over the entire scene. As naturally suited as her eyes were to the dark, Yuki did not think the view on an overcast night would have been anything compared to this. It was stunning.

The road they were taking was bringing them deeper into the mountains. Yuki had never been this way before. From the way Kaname had talked, she figured that he had a specific destination in mind but she wondered how he could know where they were going when they seemed to be heading so far in the direction of nothing but trees and hills. He took turn after turn on winding roads, heading away from the valley now. Trees, still bare from winter, sprung up on either side of the car. If Yuki turned her head just so, she could still make out the moon, glowing past the black silhouette of the branches.

The two spoke little during the drive. At first, Yuki felt uncomfortable with it, but she soon realised that the quiet, beyond the soft hum of the car radio, was a peaceful sort. Kaname was leaving it to her to enjoy. The entire journey went like that. Yuki’s only signal of it coming to a close was when the car began to slow, and they pulled over into a space at the side of the road.

She questioned Kaname with a look. There didn’t seem to be anything here. It was darker than before, with more trees on either side of the narrow road. But most were still leafless, and Yuki could see well enough by patches of moonlight amid the shadows.

“I trust you won’t mind walking a little?” Kaname said. “This is the closest we can get from the road.”

“I like walking,” Yuki assured him.

She opened the car door and noticed as she stepped out that the ground where they’d parked was all gravel and muddy puddles. It made sense now that Kaname had picked out her sturdiest pair of boots for her to wear. Any dainty pair of heels would have been ruined in seconds in this place. She wondered why had they come here. It wasn’t that she had a problem with it, but of all the places Kaname could have picked, why had he chosen this one? It was so opposite to his usual way with her. It was not princess territory, by any means.

The black branches that hung over the road grew thick and turned slowly evergreen as they climbed the surrounding mountains. Yuki could hear life in those trees. An owl, somewhere… the sudden flashes of black against the moonlight were bats, and there was water somewhere in the distance, she recognised that sound too.

She was so absorbed that she almost forgot Kaname, but the sound of the car boot closing brought her attention back to him. He had a wicker basket in his hand now. “A picnic?” Yuki wondered, eyebrows raised high. When had he had time to prepare that?

He smiled, “It seemed appropriate somehow.”

In her excitement at coming out here, she had forgotten about food, but now she thought about it, it was definitely nearing lunchtime. She was glad of Kaname being so impossibly organised.

“Shall we go?”

Yuki nodded and Kaname walked around the car and gestured to a narrow trail, nearly unnoticeable in the darkness, which lead up through the woods. Here, the ground was rocky and uneven and, in parts, even muddier than before. The path was only wide enough for them to walk single file, so Kaname took the lead. Yuki finally voiced the thought she’d been having since they’d arrived. “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

“It isn’t what you were expecting?” Kaname glanced back at her in amusement.

“I was expecting something more… orderly.”

He answered with a small laugh. “You’ll see soon. It’s something I’m sure you’ll like.”

It was already something Yuki liked. She could hardly believe that just a short while ago, she had been crying over Kaname and just how wrong everything felt with him these days. Now, for the first time, it was as though she was actually beginning to get through to him.

Yuki walked with her eyes wide, trying to take in everything around her. This was one of the good thing about being a vampire. The trade off was that her eyes could barely tolerate sunlight, but no human could appreciate the beauty of night time the way a vampire could. There was very little light here in these woods, but her eyes picked up all that was available. She could look into the shadows and see what secrets the night kept hidden amongst the trees. He favourite thing, though, was just the moonlight, and the colours it made, reflecting off puddles and droplets on the tree branches, left over from rain earlier in the day. It looked like magic to her.

Soon, they came close enough that Yuki was able to guess where Kaname was taking her. She could hear the rushing of water getting louder, the crashing sound of it against rocks. It wasn’t long before Yuki could see the stream, and then, a little further up, there was the waterfall. It wasn’t big, but it was so very pretty, like a scene from the picture books she read as a child, which she’d secretly never quite grown out of.

It seemed to Yuki that her earlier suspicions had been correct. Kaname had, at last, understood her. A sad thought Yuki sometimes had was that his gifts to her tended to be more for some other version of her – the one he wished she would become. She could not think of another time he’d given her something she so genuinely loved as this.

“How did you find this place?” Yuki asked, turning at last to look Kaname in the face. He was smiling, and seeing how pleased she was seemed to have chased away the lonely look he so often had in his eyes these days. It was strange how it had taken doing something so different to make things feel normal between them again. It was the first time she’d felt it since she’d been back.

“Seiren found it – at my request. I had a feeling when she brought me here that it would be perfect.”

Yuki considered his words then said, “This was where you went earlier, wasn’t it? Seiren was showing you the way.”

Kaname nodded. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

His plan had worked. Yuki could hardly have been more surprised. But she wished that Kaname had told her. She felt so foolish for crying on the phone to Zero earlier. There had been no reason to worry him like that. And now she couldn’t help feeling that she should never have doubted Kaname either.

The path they had followed to this point continued across the stream, over a small stone bridge. A little further back, there were slabs of rock set into the earth, which became a staircase leading up to the top of the waterfall. Yuki only went as far as the bridge. She wanted to look down from it, at the water rushing below.

Kaname came to stand beside her. “Thank you,” she said softly to him. “For the surprise… I’d been thinking that you didn’t want to take me.”

It was a moment before Kaname answered her, “I want to do things that make you happy, Yuki… But my priority is to keep you safe. It pains me that those two things do not always go hand in hand… I want that to change someday.”

She was surprised by his honesty. She continued to watch the water, considering her reply. There were questions she wanted to ask him. But how far could she really push, without him becoming upset?

“Am I not safe here?” was what she settled on at last.

“You are… I would never allow anything to harm you.”

She looked up at him now, and the question was plain on her face: if that was true, then had it taken this long to get to this point?

Kaname just offered her a smile. “Come,” he said, “We can sit over here.”

Yuki flowed him to a large flat rock overlooking the pool at the base of the waterfall. He put down the basket he’d been carrying and took out a blanket from inside. He spread it out over the smooth stone and then beckoned for Yuki to sit. She placed herself at the edge of the rock, letting her legs hang down over the water below. They were just high up enough that she didn’t have to worry about her boots getting wet. Kaname took a seat beside her, and they watched the water quietly for a long while before he spoke, “I have something for you.”

It was only now, as Yuki turned to look at him, that she saw he had taken a long, thin wooden box out from the picnic basket. He was looking down at it resting in his hands. Yuki could not think what might be inside it.

“For a long time, I’ve been uncertain about whether I should give this to you. But the more I consider it, the more it seems like the right thing to do… This belonged to our mother.”

Yuki regarded the box with surprise, then she held out her hand, saying, “Can I see?”

“Be very careful with it,” Kaname warned her. “It may be dangerous.”

But this only made her more curious. Kaname passed the box to her, and as she took it from him, she sensed the power of the object it held. Cautiously, she undid the latch and flipped open the lid to reveal a metal rod.

“This is Artemis,” Kaname told her. “It’s an anti-vampire weapon.”

Now Yuki understood the strange power that emanated from it. “Mother wielded this?” she questioned and Kaname nodded. “Can I?”

“Perhaps.”

“It feels as though… It doesn’t want me to touch it.”

“Artemis is old. That makes it all the more powerful. I think, if you truly want to wield it, then it will reveal its true form to you.”

Yuki was amazed. “Can you show me how?”

“Not here. But yes, if that’s what you want. I only hope that you will never have the occasion to use it in a real fight.”

“I don’t expect I will. But if I learn, won’t that give you some piece of mind while I’m away? It would be good to know I could fend for myself if anything were to happen.”

“Those were my thoughts too,” Kaname responded, but looking at him, Yuki wasn’t sure that he was entirely convinced.

“What is it?”

Kaname shook his head. “Nothing, Yuki.”

Yuki looked down at Artemis for a little while longer then closed its box. “Kaname…” she said softly, “If Mother had this… then why couldn’t she fight off Uncle Rido that night?”

Kaname did not look at her, he never would when she asked questions like this, but she could see how his eyes grew darker than usual at her words. “Rido… was a despicable creature,” he muttered. “He found a way to overpower her.”

The answer was typically vague. She probably should have expected it, but Yuki felt disappointed anyway. “I still don’t feel like I really understand what happened that night.”

“Yuki, must we speak of such sad things?”

“I just want to understand.”

“I know. But now isn’t the time. We’ve had such a pleasant night so far; let’s continue that way. No more serious talk tonight. While we’re here, let’s enjoy ourselves.”

Yuki gave him a long look, trying to figure out if she could say no. He’d come so close tonight, to finally treating her like a grownup – like an equal. Couldn’t he keep going for a little while longer, instead of turning back to the same old deflections?

But as Yuki watched him, she began to feel that there was truth in his words. For the first time in a long time, they were having a good night together. She could understand why Kaname wouldn’t want to talk about sad things at a time like this.

“Okay, Kaname,” She gave him a smile so that he wouldn’t be upset with her. “Let’s change the subject.”

It seemed to work; Kaname returned her smile, “Thank you, Yuki.”

“It’s okay… besides, I’ve been wanting to ask about what else you have in that basket over there.”

Kaname’s eyes became amused. “I was wondering how long it would take you to ask. Shall we eat, Yuki?”

Yuki began to feel more confident that it was not such a bad thing that she had not been allowed to continue asking questions. Things may not have progressed as much as she’d hoped, but the disappointment became harder to hold onto as she helped Kaname unpack the picnic. He’d brought her here, after all, and he’d given her Artemis. That was progress too. And it was the most hope she’d been given in a long time, that things might start to get better between them.

With that thought in mind, Yuki allowed herself to relax. For the first time this week, she began to enjoy time spent with her brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I thought I was never going to finish that last scene! So glad I finally managed it. Thank you for reading! If you’re enjoying the story, then I’d really love to know your thoughts, as usual :)  
> (Chapter title from First Love/Late Spring by Mitski)


	37. Sometimes your love is so pretty I just want to sink in

At last, the night that Yuki had been begging herself to hold out for had arrived. The soirée would be held at midnight tonight. Yuki’s feelings throughout the early evening were a mix of nerves and excitement. This was usually the case for her before a soirée, but tonight the difference was knowing that she would see Zero again in only a few hours. The nerves were coming from wondering how she would contain herself in a room full of vampires who could not be allowed to find out how she knew him. It meant she would have to pretend _not_  to know him. Yuki wasn’t sure how well she would be able to pull that off – but if she wanted to protect Cross Academy, and her place there, then no vampires outside of Kaname’s inner circle could find out that she’d been living there.

She had to admit, she was really feeling the pressure.

But it had been five days since she’d last seen Zero, and tonight he would be there! They had been inseparable for too long for her not to be thrilled by that prospect. Her heart was already speeding just thinking about it. Still, with several hours to get through before they even had to leave the manor, Yuki had to do her best to keep her enthusiasm to a more normal level.

The Kuran Manor was so far away from any towns or cities that Yuki still had to get up earlier than usual that evening in order to get ready. They had a long way to drive to get to Aido mansion, where the soirée would be held. Ruka had come over the night before, and stayed in one of the rarely used guest bedrooms so that she could be around early enough to help Yuki get ready. The final touches to her dress had been made and a matching pair of shoes had been acquired. So there was only the matter of hair and makeup to see to in the few hours before they had to leave. Yuki began by showering, and as she washed her hair, she wondered what Kaname would be doing while she was undergoing her usual painstaking grooming process. It certainly couldn’t take so long for him to get ready. He could roll up to the soirée in his everyday attire and she doubted that anyone would question it.

Now that she thought about it, she wondered if Zero was making any special effort to get ready for tonight. What were hunters expected to wear to vampire soirées, anyway? She couldn’t recall ever seeing them in anything too different to the formal attire worn by the vampire nobles. It was an interesting thought; she had never seen Zero in anything more formal than his school uniform.

The daydream about her favourite hunter kept Yuki going well into her soirée preparations. She was barely there as she let Ruka make the decisions about her makeup. Kaname did not particularly like her wearing it, but this was one thing Ruka did not agree with him on. She seemed to find the idea of going to a party without it totally unthinkable. Yuki didn’t really mind either way. Ruka never went overboard, so it was fine by her. In fact, spending time with Ruka made it feel all the more necessary. Ruka was mature, elegant and extremely beautiful. While Yuki rarely gave much thought to her appearance, she couldn’t help feeling a little inadequate next to her.

By the time Ruka had finished with her, however, that feeling was very nearly gone. She’d done such a good job. While Yuki was sure that she wouldn’t want to look this way every day, she couldn’t help but admire the skill that had gone into the transformation. Her hair was pulled back into a low bun and her fringe swept aside by a few pretty diamond pins. Her makeup was subtle but artfully done. Yuki actually found herself looking forward to putting on her new dress and seeing the full effect of the makeover.

The dress was still hanging in its bag on a hook on Yuki’s bedroom door. They had double checked last night that it fit properly, but after that Yuki was forbidden from trying it on until they were about to enter the soirée. This meant they would have to arrive a little early so that Yuki could be ushered into one of the back rooms to change. Nobody seemed to trust her to survive the whole journey there without wrinkling or somehow spilling something onto the gown. Yuki supposed she couldn’t blame them. The soirée was being held a good hour and a half away, after all.

Time dragged by and Yuki came to the definite conclusion that, nervous as she was, she couldn’t wait to get there – because it didn’t matter what might happen, she just wanted to be in the same space as Zero again. She would find a way to talk to him. Somehow. Even if only for a few minutes; even if it was only enough to let him know that she was okay after their talk yesterday. Being able to talk to Zero and knowing that she would see him tonight, along with the success of her outing with Kaname, had left Yuki feeling happier and so much more confident than she had done all week. She had even put aside her worries about the much dreaded conversion she needed to have with Kaname. It couldn’t happen tonight, so tomorrow it would have to be. Tomorrow there would be no time left to put it off. She would simply have to go through with it.

If she thought about it, there was still a feeling of dread surrounding the idea, but after last night she didn’t feel quite so hopeless. Things could change between Kaname and her, she felt sure of it now. And it was enough that she could afford not to think about it for one night. Still, Yuki was glad to have Ruka’s company during the drive to the Aido mansion. Once, it might have been strange to share the car with Ruka and Kaname, and perhaps it still was, a little, but tonight Ruka was providing the perfect buffer between Yuki and her brother. As well as things had gone the night before, she didn’t entirely trust that it wouldn’t have become awkward if they’d had to make the journey alone together. Besides, Yuki’s mind was occupied with other things this evening. She hoped that Ruka would be able to keep Kaname from noticing that.

They arrived at the Aido mansion with time to spare. Yuki recognised the place, having been to one or two other soirées there. The Aido family seemed to own a few properties, each one as grand as the others, she assumed. This particular mansion was hidden deep within a vast woodland, much like her own home. After the first visit, it had ceased to be of much interest to her; so vampires liked to appear mysterious by hiding their mansions away in remote forests. The idea would have seemed more romantic to her if the reality of it wasn’t so boring.

Yuki’s appraisal of her surroundings was cut short as she was swept from the car, straight into the mansion. The Aido family was already there to greet them. Yuki recognised her tutor Hanabusa standing behind his father, giving her some quite pointed disapproving looks whenever Kaname was looking elsewhere. Yuki had not seen or heard from her tutor for at least half a year, so she couldn’t think what she might have done to deserve his glares, and she was sure she didn’t want to know. She did her best to ignore him and continue smiling politely at the rest of her hosts. Pleasantries were exchanged only briefly and then Tsukiko, the youngest of the three Aido sisters, offered to show Yuki and Ruka to a room where they could change.

*

A little less than an hour later, it was finally time to go in to the soirée. It felt so strange to Yuki, as they approached the ballroom, to feel the presence of so many noble vampires. It had been such a long time since she had been around her own kind. With so much going on, she couldn’t yet make out if Zero was here. Her stomach was tying itself into knots with the anticipation.

The soirée looked about the same as any other she’d been to. It was held in a huge, lavishly decorated room, packed to bursting with aristocratic vampires. Yuki entered on the arm of her brother and all eyes turned to them at once. Yuki, who had become so used to going unnoticed, blushed heavily, and knew she was likely to be scolded by Ruka for it later. But it really was so strange to be here! It was strange in a way that was different from how it used to be so. Every other soirée she’d attended had been a rare opportunity to leave the house. But since then, Yuki had learned that life at Cross Academy was much more her cup of tea than vampire gatherings. In that respect, the whole event had now lost its charm. Where before there had been excitement, there were now mostly nerves.

Yuki plastered a smile onto her face as the aristocrats bowed to Kaname and her, but her eyes were already searching the crowd for one particular face. She found it easily. Zero was far across the room, not bowing, of course, but leaning against a wall, simply observing. Their eyes met and Yuki’s lit up, turning the false smile on Yuki’s lips into something real. And she saw the corners of his mouth turn upwards in response. The way he smiled made him look so gentle, but the feeling it gave her was quite the opposite. The butterflies in her stomach weren’t just fluttering; they were in an uproar, threatening to carry her all the way across the room to him. She wished it was an urge she could follow. She was already trying to figure out the best way to arrange to meet him in secret.

All of a sudden, Yuki was being assaulted by greetings and inquiries into her well being and she was forced to tear her eyes away from Zero and face the party. She felt, as the night went on, that she had turned into quite the predictable lovesick teenager. Just knowing that Zero was so near but not being able to go to him was close to unbearable. But she kept it up, nonetheless, as Kaname led her around the room, greeting one noble family after another. She tried to keep herself from stealing too many glances at Zero, not wanting to raise questions if she was caught staring. She was not supposed to know him, she kept reminding herself. She also tried not to think too much about how unfair it all seemed.

After a short while had passed, Yuki noticed that, though Zero was often moving around as he monitored the soirée, she hadn’t passed close by him once. She began to suspect that this was Kaname’s doing. And the more it went on, the more obvious it seemed. He was manoeuvring her around the party in such a way that she and Zero would not cross paths. It was absurd, Yuki thought. What on earth did Kaname think she would do if she got close to Zero? Did he really think she couldn’t be trusted to keep her stay at Cross Academy a secret? Yuki began to grow more and more exasperated as conversations abruptly ended if Kaname saw Zero begin to head even remotely in their direction. But there was little she could do to stop it. She could hardly confront him about it here, in front of everyone.

It was a relief when finally they were approached by Lord Aido and his son, Hanabusa. The older Aido said a few quiet words to Kaname, which she couldn’t make out over the din of the party, and Kaname nodded once then turned to Yuki. “Would you excuse me for a short while Yuki? There is something important I must discuss with Lord Aido. His son will escort you while I’m gone.” Yuki nodded. Kaname leaned in close and lightly brushed a lock of her hair with his fingers as he whispered in her ear, “Please try to behave.”

 _ _What’s that supposed to mean?__ Yuki wondered indignantly, staring after Kaname as he walked from the room. Then she turned to her tutor with a wary look on her face “Aido,” she nodded in greeting.

“Hello, Yuki Kuran,” replied Aido, and his tone, as it often did, contained a smug note, though Yuki could not for the life of her think what he might have to be smug about. She remembered the way he had looked at her when she’d arrived earlier, and figured that she was probably about to find out what that had all been about after all. Aido was the person who Yuki had spent most of her time with before the Academy. And despite the many years the two of them had spent in close company, they had never quite learned to get along. So whatever this was, Yuki didn’t think it could possibly be good.

“I would say,” began Aido, “That I’ve missed being your teacher after so long, but I must admit, it is a relief to no longer have to recite so many lessons that never seem to stick.”

Yuki scowled. “Yes, well the feeling is mutual, Aido,” she huffed.

“And it seems that you’ve been causing problems for Kaname-sama recently.”

“What?” Yuki began to exclaim, then quickly checked herself, looking around at the potential eavesdroppers surrounding them. A few nearby vampires were giving her curious looks, so she smiled brightly at them, then grabbed Aido’s arm and dragged him to an empty corner, where there was less chance of being overheard. There, Aido pulled his arm free with a __humph__  and Yuki turned on him, “What do you mean, __causing problems__?”

“All I know,” Aido said airily, “Is that since you’ve been away, Kaname-sama – when he’s at home – has taken to spending a lot more time alone in his room. He’s upset. It’s not difficult to guess whose fault that is.”

Yuki dropped her gaze to the floor, guilt rearing up inside her at his words. But this was Aido, and Yuki did not like the idea of giving such a pompous know-it-all the satisfaction of knowing he’d struck a nerve with her. She pushed her guilt away. “That’s ridiculous,” she told him. “I hardly got to see Kaname for more than a week at a time while I was living with him. What could he possibly have to be upset about?”

Aido gave her an accusing look, “You really can’t think of anything?”

And Yuki’s eyes betrayed her because they had already flickered up involuntarily to where Zero stood, about ten metres away, scanning the crowd with a bored look on his face. Aido’s face cracked into an evil grin and Yuki knew she’d made a mistake, because Aido may be socially inept – he was obnoxious and had a special talent for putting his foot in his mouth – but he was exceptionally clever. Nothing got past him.

“Is that it, Yuki Kuran? Something to do with you and this–”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Aido!” Yuki cut him off. Then realising that there was little chance of him believing her denial, she whispered fiercely, “Okay, __yes__. I know him. But Zero and Kaname have barely said two words to each other. What possible quarrel could Kaname have with him?”

Aido looked annoyed. “If you believe a word of what you’re saying right now, then you really are dim. Let me ask you this: just how long have you been on first name basis with a vampire hunter?”

“How do you know–” 

“What his full name is? I’ve looked into the matter.” Yuki thought that Aido was looking a bit too pleased with himself considering that she was about to strangle him.

“You nosey–” Yuki had to stop herself. She took a deep breath. “You know what? It doesn’t matter what you think you’ve found out, because if Kaname ever discovered that you’d been snooping around in my private affairs then I’m sure your punishment would be a lot more unusual and terrifying than mine.” And – __typical Aido__ – it looked to Yuki as though this was the first time he’d stopped to consider that possibility. She smiled as an idea occurred to her, “In fact… if you enjoy being a busybody so much then I’ve got a favour I need you to do for me.”

Aido scoffed. “Kaname-sama asked me to escort you around the soirée, Yuki Kuran. He did not appoint me to be your errand boy.”

Yuki gave an irritable sigh. “Well, then I’d like you to __escort__ me to somewhere I can talk to Mr Hunter, over there, in private.”

Aido blinked down at her for a moment and then suddenly looked about ready to implode. “Are you out of your mind?” he snapped. Then a little more quietly he added, “I mean really, are you an idiot?”

Yuki looked up and, sure enough, Aido’s outburst had turned quite a few heads in their direction. Yuki saw Zero looking at them now, eyebrows raised. She rolled her eyes back at him. Aido noticed. He looked back and forth between the two of them quickly and hissed, “ _ _Stop that__ ,” managing to draw Yuki’s attention back to him. Before she could respond, she saw another movement out of the corner of her eye. She looked round and saw Ruka making her way over to them.

“What are you two doing over here?” she asked as soon as she was standing in front of them. Though her voice was hushed, the exasperation in her tone was evident. “Are you planning to spend the rest of the night bickering in the corner like children? What do you think Kaname-sama would say if he came back to this?”

Aido grumbled, “Well I just don’t know what else to do. She’s being impossible.”

Yuki opened her mouth to retort, but Ruka beat her to it, “Hanabusa, would you please – if possible – just grow up?” Yuki couldn’t help but smirk, until Ruka turned to her instead, “And please, Yuki-sama, surely you know better than to encourage him.”

“You know as well as I do that Aido doesn’t need any encouragement to be a nuisance. He does it all by himself.”

Ruka grimaced. “You aren’t entirely wrong…”

Aido looked furious and was clearly about to complain very loudly, until the two girls shushed him. Then Ruka went on, “You two need to stop this now and get back to the party before any more guests notice how inappropriately you’re behaving.”

Aido sighed. Yuki nodded. “Yes Ruka,” they mumbled, more or less in synch.

As Ruka turned back to the party, possibly to begin damage control, Yuki turned to Aido and smiled at him sweetly, “Do you have a pen and paper?”

Aido gave her a look. “Why would I have those things with me now?” Yuki could tell that he was making a real effort to moderate his tone.

The smile did not leave Yuki’s face. She kept her voice hushed so not to draw Ruka back over to them. “If you’re not going to help me then I want to write Zero a note. Maybe I could slip it into his pocket.”

Thankfully, Aido managed not to burst out angrily this time. He put his head into one of his hands, looking suddenly very weary. “You’re just not going to give up until you get us both into trouble… am I right?” He peered at Yuki out of the corner of one eye. She blinked up at him innocently. “I’ll set up your meeting,” he grumbled. “Just follow me… Why do I know I’m going to regret this?”

*

Aido led her to a quiet part of the house, far from the soirée and the other guests. He left her there, in one of the rooms, telling her to stay put and he would come back with Zero. And it was not long before she heard the knock at the door, signalling his return. Aido poked his head around first, “Yuki-sama… I’ve brought him.” Then the door opened wider and Aido stepped aside to allow Zero to enter.

She had been worrying before that he might not be able to leave his work. Now all the feelings she had been working to keep under control all evening came rushing to the surface in her smile.“Zero… hi… I hope it’s okay that I asked you here like this.”

Zero nodded. “I can’t be away long, but it’s fine. Are you alright?”

She could see the glint of worry in his eyes and knew that he’d been thinking about their conversation last night. But she didn’t have to pretend this time. She was so full of happiness, just at seeing him again. “I’m fine,” she told him, with a smile.

Aido was still waiting at the door, behind Zero, giving him a particularly unsavoury look. Yuki was too happy to care what he thought right now, but she didn’t particularly want him listening in on her while she talked to Zero. “Thank you, Aido,” she said gratefully. “Would it be okay if you left us for a moment?”

Aido turned his disapproving gaze onto Yuki. For a moment she thought he might refuse, but all he said was, “I’ll be standing guard in the hall.”   

With that, he stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him. She heard the sound of footsteps heading down the hall and was relieved that, despite his complaints, he seemed willing to give the two of them some privacy.  

Yuki turned her gaze back to her beautiful hunter, finally no more than a few paces away from her. She’d been wondering how he would dress for the soirée and she was not disappointed, seeing him. She discovered that Zero wore a suit with more care than he ever wore his school uniform, and she had already been stuck several times throughout the night by how handsome he looked in it. “You’re all dressed up,” she commented. Then, shyly, she added, “You look so good.”

She smiled at how awkwardly he took the compliment, his mumbled thanks. Or maybe it had less to do with her words and more to do with the way that, now that there was no one watching them, she simply couldn’t keep her eyes off him. There was silence as his eyes bored into hers and now there was a cool intensity in them that she didn’t think she had ever seen before. It made butterflies rise up once more inside her. Then, after a short sigh – a sound like some internal debate had been settled, one way or the other – he closed the distance between them.

Somehow it didn’t matter that there had never been any precedent to this moment. She must have known what he wanted anyway, because she was already turning her head up to him, ready for the hands that cradled her face, and for the lips that lowered onto hers.        

She’d wanted the kiss so much that it took a moment to register surprise that he’d been the one to initiate it. But her surprise melted away quickly into her happiness. She thought her very bones might be melting away with it. She reached up to hold onto him, her fingers touching the back of his neck, the soft strands of his hair. All the while, his mouth was warm and soft on hers. Though this was the smallest taste of him she could allow herself to take, she didn’t care, because it was already sweeter than she’d ever imagined.

After a blissful moment, she felt him pull back, his fingers caressing her cheek as he moved. She opened her eyes to communicate that he shouldn’t stop, but the look in his was so tender she found she couldn’t speak. It seemed she didn’t need to, though. She glimpsed that look of his for no longer than a second before he kissed her again. A kiss somehow more dizzying than the first. His hands dropped now to her waist, pulling her in closer as the kiss deepened. It was everything she had needed all those times that being near to him hadn’t been near enough. It was difficult not to get lost in him. She could feel herself wanting to forget where they were, that they would be missed if they stayed away too long. None of that really mattered to her. If it wasn’t this boy before her, who she loved more than anything, then right now she simply didn’t want it.

He stopped her before she slipped away entirely. The kiss slowed until they were just barely touching; just their noses, and his breath tickling her face. “Zero,” she whispered when she could finally bring herself to speak. “Can we stay like this? I don’t want to be apart from you anymore.”  

Now they were barely more than an inch apart and she could just about make out his smile. She moved a little to see it better. She didn’t want to miss any of his smiles.

“I’ll stay a little longer if you will.”

“I don’t want to cause you any trouble. I know you’re working.”

“I’ll head back soon. Don’t worry.”

Yuki looked up at him, full of wonder, as she was stuck again by the knowledge that he’d really kissed her. She’d wanted this for so long. The reality of it was still sinking in. She’d been ready for it, yes, but she hadn’t seen it coming. Her lips still tingled with the proof of some wonderful change that had taken place in her absence. She wanted to ask him what had caused it, but she didn’t know if it was a conversation they had time for.

She told him, “I’m sure there were things that I was planning to say to you when I came here, but I can’t remember a thing right now.”

Zero smirked. “I’m sorry for distracting you.”

Yuki smiled at the joke. “Don’t be,” she gently touched the side of his face as she murmured the words.

“Are you… are you really alright?”

She gave Zero a puzzled look. “Of course I am.” She had already made her feelings for him clear. He had to know how happy she was right now.

“I mean, after yesterday. That’s what I wanted to ask you before… but then I saw you and I just…” He’d kissed her instead – hadn’t been able to help himself. Yuki felt another stir of excitement inside her at the thought.

“I’m okay. I’m really sorry I worried you like that. I think… all that stuff I said – it’s going to be okay after all. I just let it get to me yesterday… I was missing you too much.”

The concern in his gaze hadn’t eased, despite her reassurances. “I wish I could have helped.”

“You did help.” Yuki pulled him into a hug. “But I’ll admit, I wished I could have just done this.”

He folded his arms around her again as she leaned her head against his chest. The feeling was… like the world was right again. Like she was home. The sound of his heartbeat filled her head. She wanted to fall into it, to let herself get lost again. She didn’t want to think about what she’d have to go back to soon. She just let the sound soothe her as she relished in the feeling that, after the long week, she was finally exactly where she wanted to be.

Zero gave her some time, because perhaps he knew what she was thinking about, but eventually he said to her quietly, “I have to go back soon.”

Yuki allowed herself to be released from the hug. As much as she hated having to let him go again, she couldn’t help but smile up at him. She only had to endure one more day without him and she felt sure that this meeting, however short, would be enough to get her through that day. The gaze he returned to her, that gentle, tender look of his that she knew was reserved for her alone, only made her smile wider.

Zero’s fingers touched her face. “You look beautiful,” he told her softly.

Yuki blushed. “You can thank Ruka for that. She spent about two hours making me look presentable before we came here.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Yuki gave him a slightly quizzical look and he added, “I really… like it… when you smile like that.”

Yuki’s blush deepened, but her smile returned all at once. “I um… I feel the same way about you. I like seeing you smile.”

Her words sounded so inadequate… she knew that part of it was just shyness, because they were both still new to this, but another huge part of it was that words simply couldn’t encompass the way that seeing him happy made her feel. Yuki gave herself a moment to appreciate it – the way he was looking at her… but it only made another feeling stir inside her. She gave in to the desire to kiss him again, reaching up for him on tip-toes, head reeling with joy that she was finally allowed to do so.

The kiss was sweet, but it was cut short by sounds from outside the room. Yuki’s first thought was Kaname, that he’d discovered her gone from the soirée and sought her out. The fear of it made her pull quickly away from Zero. But the sound was Aido protesting and, with it, Yuki realised she had jumped very quickly to the wrong conclusion. The presence she sensed was unfamiliar and, besides, Aido would never talk to Kaname in such a way.

“Come back! You can’t go in there!”

But the door was already opening, giving Yuki and Zero barely a moment to move apart before an unfamiliar face appeared in the doorway. A silver haired girl, about the same age and height as Yuki, stood before them. The decadence of her black Lolita style dress indicated that she was a guest from the soirée. Yuki couldn’t think why she had ended up in this room. And she was too startled to find the words to ask. How obvious was what she had been doing with Zero only a moment earlier? She had no idea how to begin explaining herself. She looked to Zero in case he had any ideas. But she was startled by the look on his face. In the few seconds since this girl had entered the room, he’d turned paler than Yuki had ever seen him - and something about the way his eyes were locked on that girl told her it had little to do with being caught here with Yuki.

The sound of Aido complaining distracted Yuki momentarily from Zero’s odd reaction. He began to explain, “I told her not to come this way. But she just ran right past me!”

“I’m sorry,” said the girl in a small voice. “I was only curious to see who was in here. I didn’t mean to upset anyone.”

“Of course you’re going to upset people if you just go barging into places uninvited!” Aido griped.

Yuki wondered why she’d ignored Aido in the first place,if only to let herself be chastised now. Before the girl could apologise again, Zero spoke, “Who are you?” His tone chilled Yuki. There was something dark in it that she hadn’t heard in a long time. Not since she’d first met him.

“I’m Maria Kurenai,” the girl replied shyly. “I’m pleased to meet you.” There was something off about her body language. Under normal circumstances Yuki probably wouldn’t have noticed it, but the way this situation had come about, and Zero’s strange behaviour, had her on edge. She couldn’t miss the way Maria pulled the door back towards her, as though cowering behind it from Zero’s hostility, yet the look on her face was all wrong: there was not one drop of fear in her pale eyes.

“I didn’t mean to cause any trouble,” Maria simpered.

“Um… it’s okay,” Yuki said, finally finding her voice again. “We were just about to head back to the soirée anyway.”  

“Oh really? Then I’ll go ahead of you.” Maria perked up, far too suddenly. “Thank you for being kind to me, Yuki-sama! It’s so nice to meet a cute pureblood like you. I hope I can talk to you again soon!”

“Um… yeah…” Yuki murmured in utter bewilderment as Maria turned to leave.

“Goodbye,” she called softly before turning back to them and adding, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone what you were doing here.”

With a giggle, she left the room.

“What just happened?” Yuki wondered aloud, pressing her hands to her suddenly burning cheeks. She followed as Zero stepped out to the hallway to watch Maria turn the corner, heading back to the soirée.

“She’s gone,” murmured Aido. “And I have no idea.”

Yuki peered up at Zero. He was still staring at the spot where Maria had just been and he had regained none of the colour to his face. “That girl… do you know her?” he asked Yuki.

“I’ve never seen her before. Though she must have figured out who I am… Zero, are you okay?”

It took him a moment to answer, “Yeah… I just… got a weird feeling from her.”

“Me too, though I’ve no idea what it was. I wonder why she just left like that.” Yuki watched Zero, and felt her concern for him rising. There was definitely something strange about that girl; they’d all noticed it. But it seemed to have affected Zero a lot more than her or Aido. “You don’t look so well, Zero.”

Finally, Zero looked at her, and he seemed to snap out of whatever strange feeling had taken over him – at least enough to reassure her slightly. “It’s nothing… I’m okay.”

She peered up into his face and wondered if she was imagining the slightly haunted look in his eyes. “Do you mean that?”

He placed a reassuring hand over her head, giving her hair a gentle pat. “I’ll be fine, Yuki. Don’t worry so much.”

“If you say so…” Truthfully, she wasn’t convinced, but they had already been away from the soirée for too long. There wasn’t time to discuss it any further.

Zero seemed to be aware of this too. “I have to get back to work.” Yuki nodded sadly up at him and for some reason the gesture made him smile just a little. “I’ll see you in a couple of days, right?”

“Yeah…” Yuki murmured. And then she couldn’t help it; she smiled back at him. “Bye Zero.”

She watched him go and tried to let go of the worried feeling she had. There was too much she had to get through still for her to let those thoughts take over. She felt a stab of annoyance that Maria had interrupted them – things had been going so well until that point. Those few stolen moments with Zero had been so utterly perfect. In fact, just thinking about it helped. It made it difficult to keep worrying about anything else. That was how she would get through the rest of the evening, and the following day. She didn’t know what Zero’s problem with Maria was, but she could ask him when she got back to the Academy. Unless she somehow managed to talk to Maria on her own before the end of the night. She wasn’t sure how likely that was to happen though. For now, she just needed to keep hold of her confidence.

“Yuki Kuran… Are you just going to stand there daydreaming while I wait for you?” asked Aido with a hint of annoyance. Yuki had almost forgotten he was still there. She looked to him, expecting to see many levels of judgement in his eyes, after everything he’d witnessed tonight. But she saw no such thing. In fact, he wasn’t properly looking at her at all. “Come on,” he sighed. “Let’s hope Kaname-sama hasn’t come back to notice you gone, yet.”

“Yeah,” Yuki agreed and began mentally preparing herself to face the party again. "Let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you’ll feel that that was worth the wait, and worth those painful Kuran Manor chapters… and the interruption from Maria… I know I certainly feel like the fluff was necessary after everything that’s been going on with Kaname.  
> Thank you all for reading and thanks especially to those who have stopped to show this story some love. I love you all!  
> (Chapter title from Valium by Lisa Mitchell)


	38. Made me see myself something awful

 

When they arrived back at the Kuran Manor in the early hours of the morning, Yuki was very much looking forward having some time alone to unwind. She was wide awake, yet far from present. She still felt slightly dazed but at the same time her body was electric, buzzing with all that had happened throughout the night. Maria had faded from her thoughts fairly quickly. There had been no sign of her throughout the remainder of the night, which was odd, but perhaps something to look into when she had a little more freedom of movement.

 Kaname had been there when Yuki returned to the soirée after her meeting with Zero, and she’d made the excuse that she’d had Aido show her the way to a bathroom. It wasn’t entirely a lie either, as she had visited one on the way back in order to check that her makeup was still intact. She wasn’t sure that it was, but she’d been wearing so little to start with that she couldn’t quite tell either way. She assumed that Kaname had only just returned to the party himself, as he did not question her any further than that. It would not be wise for her to attempt to leave again though, so attempting to find Maria was out of the question. She continued to steal looks at Zero from across the room and it seemed to her that he’d recovered from whatever had scared him earlier. If __scared__  was at all the right word; Yuki couldn’t quite place it. She intended to get back to wondering about it later, but with every glance, her worries faded and were replaced by much more welcome thoughts about things that had taken place before Maria’s sudden appearance.

 Now that she was home, Yuki couldn’t wait to take a bath, then climb into bed and finally give herself over to the myriad of thoughts she’d spent the latter part of the night trying to keep from consuming her. She didn’t know if she would sleep today, but she at least wanted to give herself a chance to process all that had happened before she tried.

Kaname had been very quiet throughout the long drive back from the Aido Mansion, which was not quite enough out of the ordinary for Yuki to warrant it much thought. She had been admittedly too distracted to think about it at all. But when she tried to excuse herself and turned to head for her bedroom, Kaname replied with an abrupt, “No, Yuki,” and she was snapped at last from her dreamy stupor. “I wish to speak to you. Follow me, please.”

Kaname was upset. That much was obvious now. It said a lot about the mesmerising powers of Zero’s kisses that she had not noticed sooner.

He did not wait for her to answer, instead he simply started walking. Yuki followed, dumbfounded at first, but then slowly she began to piece together the possibilities of what Kaname might be thinking. She followed him in to the huge and lavishly furnished living room and closed the door behind her. When she looked up, Kaname had turned and was watching her.

The way in which Kaname Kuran inhabited a room was unsettling to witness; you couldn’t comprehend it at a glance. This darkly beautiful creature stood in contrast with the room around him. Not like Yuki, who had been dressed carefully to fit. In Yuki’s heart, she did not feel she belonged in this world, yet her disguise was perfect. To look at Kaname, you might think a dark angel had fallen and landed among the soft furnishings and yet, nothing in his demeanour would ever let you question it. Kaname needed no disguise. His right to exist in any given space was beyond doubt. That was just how he was. It was the level of command he possessed. And there were times when even Yuki, who was closest to him, felt scared by that.

It must have been so lonely for him, she thought, even as the fear gripped her. She could see the sadness in his eyes and knew she was right.

When he spoke, his voice was cold, “I didn’t think that leaving you alone for less than an hour would cause this much trouble.”  

Yuki frowned up at him. “Trouble?” she questioned. But she had been careful, hadn’t she? No one had seen her with Zero - save Maria, who had been nowhere to be seen for the rest of the night. And, true, she had turned a few heads while she’d argued with Aido, but Ruka had made some excuse about that to those few who had noticed. But now Yuki wondered if that hadn’t been enough. “I never meant to-”

“Yuki,” Kaname spoke quietly, but it was the look on his face as he stared dead at her that stopped her from going on. “I can __smell__  him all over you.”

Yuki’s eyes widened a little. Her lips parted but she couldn’t think of anything to say. Of course he could… Of course he’d smelled Zero on her. How could that not have occurred to her. The true extent of her carelessness throughout the night began to dawn on her at last. She had just been so wrapped up in how happy she was that she hadn’t stopped to think about it before now.

She wanted Kaname to go on and tell her how deceitful she was. She deserved it, with everything she’d been keeping from him. But instead he simply watched her, looking so hugely, so unbearably disappointed with her. He wanted her to be the one to speak. Maybe he wanted her to tell him that he was wrong somehow. Or maybe he just wanted the truth, finally.

Yuki knew it was time. There was no longer any excuse to put it off or run away. It had to happen now.

But knowing this did not make it any easier to say. The hurt was already written all over his face, as if he just couldn’t keep it in any more. Yuki didn’t know how she could bring herself to make it worse.

But he was still waiting for her to speak, so she told him simply, miserably, “I missed him.”

“I know,” Kaname replied. He didn’t say it kindly, or with understanding. It was just a harsh fact and it was thrown at her like a swift punch to the chest. “I’ve been watching you miss him this entire week.”

Yuki felt, quite suddenly, that her stupidity over this past week was staring her in the face. And right now, Kaname wasn’t just hurt, he was furious. He’d been concealing it well, but she had just seen an ominous flash of the terrible emotion he was hiding in his eyes as he spoke. Whether it was aimed at her, or at Zero, or the both of them, she could not yet tell. She didn’t think she had ever seen him like this before.

This whole time, she had been working up the courage to tell Kaname the truth, held back only by her fear of hurting him, and he had known all along. It must have looked to him like she was purposely trying to deceive him.

Yuki gaped up at Kaname and her eyes began to fill with tears as he continued with what he had to say, “Did you think that, after waiting so long to have you by my side again for more than a couple of hours, it wouldn’t hurt me to watch you spending our time together pining over another man?”

She could do nothing but continue to stare at him, horrified. She couldn’t bear to see the look on his face, nor could she bring herself to look away. She’d let him down so badly; much worse than she’d even realised.    

“I’m so sorry Kaname,” she whispered.

A few seconds later she felt him approach and his arms went around her. He held her so tight she could not move her own arms to return the embrace. His lips were against her hair as he murmured, “Don’t you realise how much you mean to me, Yuki?”

She tried to tell him, “I didn’t want to hurt you,” but the way he was holding her, it came out so muffled she wasn’t sure he could actually understand. She tried to pull free of his arms, and Kaname let a few seconds pass before he loosened his grip around her enough for her to slip free.

She looked up into his face and said, “Kaname, I swear I wanted to tell you the truth. I’ve been trying to bring myself to say it all week… But I’ve been such a coward… I was so afraid…”

Tears rolled down Yuki’s cheeks and she saw Kaname’s eyes darken. “Do I scare you, Yuki? Is that how you see me?”

The way he was looking at her, he did a little, enough that she didn’t want to admit it. But she was done with evading the truth. In a small voice, she answered, “Sometimes…” A little louder, she added, “But also, I knew that the truth would hurt you. That’s what I was afraid of… I really am sorry.”

Kaname reached out to brush a lock of Yuki’s hair with his fingers. “I’m sorry that you feel that way. I never intended for it to be so… But what you claim to fear isn’t what matters to me. I know why you didn’t tell me, Yuki. It’s not what you have or haven’t said that is the problem; it’s your actions that cause me pain. Your betrayal… I want to know how you could do that to me.”

Yuki sniffled a little as she stared up at him. Her brow furrowed as she tried to understand what he meant. “How I could…?” What had she done, besides fall in love? “I didn’t - Kaname, you must know that I didn’t plan it like this.”

Kaname said nothing. His gaze upon her did not waver. Another tear spilled over and made its way down Yuki’s cheek. She wiped away the wet track with the heal of her hand and sniffed loudly. The word __betrayal__ had cut painfully through her. She couldn’t figure out why Kaname wasn’t saying anything. He couldn’t think she had hurt him on purpose, could he?

If Yuki had to explain it then she didn’t think she could keep on looking him in the eye. She found herself looking at the floor instead. “I just…fell for him,” her lip wobbled a little as she admitted it. “I didn’t even know it was happening. Zero was so sad… he was going through such an unbearably hard time and I just wanted to help. I wanted to be there for him. By the time I realised my feelings, it was already too late.”

The silence that fell after she uttered those words felt deafening to her. She couldn’t possibly turn back now. At last the truth was out and Yuki had thought it would feel like a relief, but instead the tension she could feel between her and Kaname was almost more painful than the secret itself had been. She wished Kaname would say something. That he would give her some sign that he could accept this; maybe not right away, but eventually. She looked up, hoping that she would see this somewhere in his expression. But he was no longer looking at her. His eyes were clouded over with emotion, the likes of which she’d never seen before. When he finally spoke, her heart sank even further. “I don’t believe it. Too late?” He raised his turbulent eyes to meet hers once more. “No Yuki, you mustn’t ever think that it’s too late. Not for us.”

Yuki was stunned. She couldn’t believe that this was his answer. Even after all this, Kaname was still thinking this way; that they would grow up to be like their mother and father? It had seemed like such a wonderful dream when they were children, but that dream couldn’t have been further from Yuki’s mind now. She hadn’t felt that way for such a long time.

“I don’t…” Yuki hesitated. She wasn’t sure that she had ever spoken to her brother like this before. It made the words difficult to form. She found herself having to draw strength she hadn’t known was in her just to go on. Speaking gently, but looking him firmly in the eyes so that he’d know she was serious, she told him, “I don’t think you understand. What’s happening between Zero and me isn’t anything to do with you. Our relationship,” she gestured between Kaname and herself, “Is something entirely different.” She gave him a small smile. “You’re my brother. That’s why I love you, because of that, and because you’ve always looked after me. It’s not the same as what I feel for Zero, but that’s not a bad thing!”

The look in Kaname’s eyes now was unfathomable. It made the smile she had hoped to reassure him with feel wrong. It made her want to apologise for speaking at all. But though she found it difficult, she wasn’t going to let herself do that this time. She’d said her apologies for hurting him, for keeping secrets, but she would be lying if she said she was sorry for loving Zero. She wouldn’t do that to him, not after everything they’d been though together.

When Kaname finally answered her, his voice was grave, and his words made Yuki’s insides lurch horribly, “I do not want you to go back to Cross Academy again, Yuki.”

The way he said it, Yuki knew he wasn’t making a request. She stared up at him, hurt, shaking her head lightly as she tried to understand how he could say something so cruel. Her voice sounded tiny as she whispered, “No… Kaname… __why__?”

Kaname barely flinched at the distress in Yuki’s question. She searched his face and thought that maybe there was some quiet hint of regret that he was so clearly hurting her, but mostly his expression remained impassive, showing only his resolve to not back down. “Things have got out of hand,” he said. “I allowed you to go to the academy because you were feeling cooped up here and I thought it was a safe place to allow you a little more freedom. If I’d known you were going to become so out of control I would-”

“I’m not out of control!” Yuki cried. He was talking like she was a child going through a rebellious phase. How could he do that when she was trying so hard now to speak honestly to him?

“Is that so? Because when I let you go, you were engaged to me. Now you tell me you have feelings for a __vampire hunter,__ who also happens to be an unstable Level D. Tell me that that’s not completely absurd.”

“Because I’m a pureblood?” Yuki countered. There were tears in her eyes again now, but there was a burning ember of something else there too. Resolve, anger… Kaname’s words had made her feel that too. “Because it’s my duty to marry within my family line? That’s what sounds absurd to me - heaven forbid I ever make a choice for myself…” she wiped at her tears as she muttered the words, but more to formed in their place almost instantly. “That engagement was something we talked about when we were kids. It was never official. It’s not fair for you to hold me to it after all this time.”

“It was always real to me.” Kaname’s face was unreadable still, but his words doused some of the anger she was feeling. She had never doubted that he felt that way.

“I know,” she said miserably. “For a long time… I thought it was what I wanted too. I used to watch Mother and Father, who were so happy together, and I thought, wouldn’t be wonderful to be like that someday. I used to dream about it... But I can’t picture it anymore. We’ve never been that way, Kaname. Instead we only seem to keep hurting each other. Being engaged… it’s not what I want… I’m sorry.”

Kaname said nothing. Yuki tried to fend off her fear at the dark look that crossed over his face. If only she had told him sooner, before he’d had a chance to become so angry with her. Would he would have taken it better? “Can’t we - can’t we just be brother and sister? Like a normal family? That’s all I really want for us.”

He ignored the question, asking instead, “And it’s him - it’s Kiryu you want to be with?”

Yuki hesitated, still slightly afraid of the look on his face, then she nodded.

“I won’t allow it.”

“No. Kaname, please don’t… don’t keep me here.” She couldn’t believe it had come to this. A few short hours ago, she had been blissfully happy. Now she felt as though her heart might break.

“You’ve just said that you want us to be a family. I think it would be best if we were to go back to the way things were before you left. I don’t want you to see Kiryu again.”

Tears were forming in her eyes, so thick and heavy it made it difficult to see. “Don’t do this…” she sobbed in a tiny voice.   

“Yuki, do you have any idea what it was like to return to the soirée earlier and realise that you were with him? And then for you to reappear with the scent of him on your skin and to know how he had been touching you moments before? I know you’ve realised that I’m angry, but I don’t think you know quite how much. It took every inch of my restraint not to tear off his unworthy hands in the middle of that ballroom.”

His words sent a cold shock of fear through her. He wouldn’t really do something like that, would he? The tears that had clouded her eyes a moment earlier escaped down her cheeks as she looked fearfully up at him. “I know you’re upset upset that that happened. I’m sorry for how you found out about it. But please... don’t hurt him. Zero’s not unworthy. He’s been so good to me. He has the kindest heart I’ve ever known. But you have to know him to see it.”

“All I know is that I despise the way he behaves around you. I cannot stand the thought of him being allowed near you again.”         

“Kaname, you’ve spent all of five minutes around the two of us! How can you possibly know how he behaves around me.”

Kaname’s eyes narrowed into slits. “I’ve already told you that I have ways of knowing things like this.”

Yuki was about ready to sob again, with frustration this time. “You’re not making any sense!” she cried out. Then she stopped as something dawned on her. “Oh…” her mouth hung open for a few seconds before she remembered to close it. She tried to think of some other way that this thought could be wrong, before she voiced it. But nothing came to mind. “Your familiar...” she murmured. Kaname stared so evenly back at her questioning look that it made her stomach turn. “You’ve been spying on me?”

He didn’t even blink. “Call it that if you wish. But did you really think I would let you go so far away from me without any way of knowing that you were safe?”

“Safe from __what__?” Yuki screeched. Then she put a hand to her mouth in surprise at herself. “Thinking back… thinking that, through everything, I was being watched and I didn’t even know it - that doesn’t make me feel _ _safe!__ How often did this happen? What did you see?”

Now, somehow, he had the gall to appear terribly saddened once more, but it was not having quite the same effect on her as it usually did. She felt too sick right now to take note of it.

“I made the occasional visits, to check in on you. I didn’t follow you indoors, but I often watched over you while you were out in the academy grounds. That way, if any trouble were to befall you, I could come at once.”

“So… if I was outside, you were usually watching me. And could you hear me? Were you listening in on my conversations?”

Yuki could make out how his lip curled ever so slightly as he spoke, “Sometimes…”

Now Yuki’s mind was reeling, going back over all of the things he could have heard without her even realising. All those nights spent getting to know Zero; all those conversations with Yori; the secrets Yuki had confessed to her. Kaname could have heard any one of them. She’d had no idea.   

“And you acted like nothing was different…” she murmured. Staring straight through Kaname in her shock. Yet another tear fell from her eye. “All that time I was feeling guilty - I was beating myself up over not telling you the truth and you already knew…”

She didn’t know what else she should do or say in response to this news. She was feeling suddenly overwhelmed by horrible emotions. It felt wrong to react like this, like poison working its way through her system. It was not as though she’d never experienced negative feelings towards Kaname before; they’d grown up together so it was unavoidable, but she’d never felt betrayed like this before. Never so… violated. It was such a blow that it was even making her feel a little dizzy. She couldn’t talk it through like this. She didn’t think she wanted to be in the same room as him right now.

“I think… I have to go and lie down.”

“I understand.” Kaname’s words sounded clipped. Yuki found she didn’t care what he was feeling. She couldn’t even bring herself to look at him. “I’ll take you to your room.”

Yuki shook her head and muttered, “I know the way - I can take myself.”

“You look unwell. I’ll escort you as far as your room.”

Yuki felt his hands on her shoulders and flinched at the unexpected contact. But after only a moment’s hesitation, Kaname steered her back to the doorway. Then, in the hallway, Yuki felt a hand on the small of her back as she walked. But all the way, Yuki didn’t so much as glance at her brother.

*

In her room, Yuki resisted the urge to flop straight into her bed. Instead, she dug out a pair of pyjamas and took them to her bathroom. In the mirror over the sink, she saw that her tears had spared most of the effort of makeup removal. What little she had worn had already been washed away, leaving only traces of her faint shimmery eyeshadow. A smear of black on the back of her hand was nearly all that was left of the mascara she’d been wearing. Her cheeks were pink, the soft skin under her eyes just a little bit puffy. She felt exhausted, but not at all like sleep was something she could manage any time soon.

Instead, Yuki drew a bath and filled it with bubbles and nice smelling things in the hope that the comforting scents would make her feel just a little less awful. This was something in the past week that she had enjoyed about having her own bathroom back; she had a collection of oils and salts to suit whatever mood she was in. But as she settled into the hot and fragrant water, she thought of how she might never again be able to leave this place and it made those small luxuries of being back a lot less comforting. She sloped further into the water, wondering if Kaname could really mean to keep her here. Would he truly insist on it - even against her will?

Yuki couldn’t tell if what she had seen tonight was a new side to him or if he’d always had this in him. It was hard to tell when she had never before had enough freedom to know the feeling of it being threatened.

What if she never saw Zero again?

And it became obvious suddenly, that she had been holding back before, in front of Kaname, because this time when the tears came, she just let them spill. Tucked away in her little bathroom, she didn’t care how loud she was. She let it all come out at last.

For once, she didn’t let it be about some terrible selfish mistake she had made. This had all come out the way it did because tonight she’d kissed Zero, but… how could she regret that? It had been her first kiss. The others didn’t count; not the one stolen by Kaname and made into a joke - or even that light brushing of lips she and Zero had shared a few weeks back. They’d been nothing compared to this. This had been a true kiss with the boy she loved. She should have been spending these early morning hours before sleep going over it in her head, remembering the breathtakingly real feeling of his lips on hers, or the way his hand had felt in her hair and on her back… But instead she was wondering if that was the last time she’d ever touch him. Shouldn’t she have been kept awake by the excitement of wondering what it would be like when she returned to the academy, instead of Kaname’s words replaying inside her head? It should have been beautiful. But instead Kaname had taken it and made it about his sadness and made it feel awful.

It wasn’t fair. For so long she’d barely dared to dream that she could be with Zero that way. And now it was already gone, snatched away from her by the one who claimed to love her most. Strange, but Yuki didn’t think that love was supposed to feel like crying in the bath at six in the morning. If she’d had to guess, it would always have been Zero’s arms around her, his fingers against the soft skin under her chin, tilting her face up to receive a kiss that tasted like - like she could starve for the rest of her life and she wouldn’t even care as long as she could taste that kiss. It would have been the way they stayed up all night talking, or not talking, but knowing that things were better somehow as long as they stayed there together. Or the way he’d ask her quietly if she was okay, even as she was trying to smile her way through her worries.

It wasn’t much, perhaps, but things were only just beginning for the two of them. Zero and Yuki were only just starting to come around to the idea of __more-than-friends__  as something that was possible for them. Really, Zero was only just, ever so tentatively, starting to trust it. Yuki couldn’t imagine what it would be like for him if she never came back after this. She didn’t know if he would be okay, or what would happen if he didn’t have her blood to keep him from falling back into the dreadful thirst that had been consuming his life when she met him. She couldn’t breathe thinking about it.

Realising that she needed to calm down, Yuki did her best to hold back the sobs that were shaking her body. She made herself take one deep breath and then another until they stopped and her tears began to slow. But now, as she lay back against the side of the tub, she just felt drained. Her eyes were raw and her head ached. She pinched her nose and slipped her head down under the water, and as it washed over her, so did an eerie feeling of calm. There was no sound other than her heartbeat. She listened to it and wished that the warm liquid could wash away the last hour or so from her memory as easily as it washed away her tears. But the best that could happen in this moment was this: Yuki hoped that Kaname wouldn’t do this. There had to be some way that she could reason with him. Because he couldn’t tear her away from Zero now - she couldn’t possibly let that happen. And surely, if Kaname cared about her at all, there would be a way to make him understand. She had to hope it… at this point, she didn’t know what else she could do.     

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Chapter title from Oh Well by Fiona Apple)


	39. You're no star to guide me anyway

The Hunter Association headquarters loomed ahead, the most prominent of all the buildings in an area of town inhabited mostly by vampire hunters and their families. Zero stood at the front gate, preparing himself to enter. Even his approach of the building, from the moment he entered the district, had been marked by more looks than he could count, each of them ranging from merely curious to plain hateful. This was his first time coming to the headquarters in years and Zero was not naive enough to think he'd be welcomed back by the other hunters.

But this was something he had to do. Zero's head had been buzzing since last night. He had no idea who that Maria girl was, or why such a feeling of dread had settled into his bones at the mere sound of her voice, but hopefully here, somehow, he'd be able to find some answers.

Before he entered the building, Zero turned to eye the tall figure that had followed him most of the way here. The walk from Cross Academy was not a short one. Zero wondered why Yagari had taken this long to approach him.

 

Yagari's brow furrowed as he looked from the headquarters to Zero. "This is what you're sneaking off to do today? You know your assignment last night was only a small one. No one was expecting you to give a report in person."

Zero merely raised a questioning eyebrow in response. Yagari did not look the slightest bit apologetic, but explained himself anyway, "Well, yeah. When I saw you leaving earlier, I did plan to drag your ass back inside. But then I figured things have been going reasonably well with you lately; might as well see where you're going. I didn't have anything better to do today."

Zero had not particularly wanted to explain his reason for being here to anyone until he had a better idea himself of what was going on. But it was not exactly a secret either and he couldn't bring himself to care too much about the intrusion from Yagari. "Something happened last night," Zero said, "But I don't know how to explain it. I hoped I'd be able to find something here..."

"Right… _something_ … That's not vague at all." Yagari looked, for a moment, as though he was considering Zero's words – probably deciding whether or not dragging him back to the Academy was still a good idea. In the end it seemed the hunter in him won out over the teacher because he said, "Well you're the one who wanted to be a hunter again. I guess there's something to be said for the direct approach. Let's go."

Zero said nothing about Yagari inviting himself along. It could only be useful, he figured, to have some extra help. Honestly, he didn't really know where to begin looking for what he wanted.

Zero led the way, pushing open the large wooden doors. The two of them stepped into the enormous main hall, their footsteps and the creaking of the doors echoed off the high arched columns and the cavernous ceiling. Zero began to notice the double takes of those at work around him. He couldn't help but scan the room to assess whether there would be any danger from those hunters who were now eyeing him cautiously. As the last living member of the Kiryu family, Zero's becoming a hunter and being able to come and go from the headquarters was a birthright. But he wasn't foolish enough to think that the other hunters would jump to accept it now that he was a vampire.

Yagari stepped forward, leading past the staring association members and Zero watched their eyes drop back to what they were doing. Yagari ranked higher than anyone else in the room, so one here seemed willing to question him.

"So what is it we're looking for, Zero?"

Zero wasn't sure exactly. Information on where he could find that girl? Or what sort of magic she might have used to change her appearance? "Is there any information here on the abilities of pureblood vampires?"

"To a certain extent, yes. If it's about purebloods then we can't know for sure the full extent of their powers. But what information we do have will be in the archives."

Zero nodded. "Then let's go."

The archives of the Hunter Association were vast. Thousands of years of volumes on the history of the conflict between hunters and vampires were kept in this building. It was difficult for Zero to even know where to begin looking for something to explain what he'd felt last night. But even if it was useless to look, he didn't think he could do nothing. Last night the girl who'd called herself Maria Kurenai had vanished before Zero could think to interrogate her. And she had been nowhere to be found for the rest of the night. It was like she'd appeared for no other purpose than to taunt him. If Yuki and her aristocrat friend hadn't witnessed the whole thing too then he might have thought he'd been hallucinating. It wouldn't have been the strangest side effect of what that woman had done to him all those years ago.

"I take it this doesn't have anything to do with your little girlfriend," said Yagari, as they walked, "But haven't you tried asking her about it? You did see her last night, didn't you?"

Last night had been a lot to take in for Zero - on many levels. From the moment Yuki had walked in to the room, he'd immediately had to fight back the urge to run to her. He supposed he should have seen it coming, but, somehow, he hadn't expected to miss her as much as he had done while she was away. He certainly hadn't expected seeing her and not being able to touch her to affect him so. But those small gestures of hers - the way she'd sometimes lean against him, or gently take his hand, or touch his face - it had all become so natural to him without him even realising. He wasn't sure he'd really known how much they meant to him until they were gone so suddenly.

So that kiss, which he also hadn't truly known how much he wanted until it was already happening, until she was standing there in front of him and he realised it was all he could think about, had set his mind into a blur. Seeing that girl immediately afterwards was something he couldn't possibly have been less prepared for. The questions he was asking himself now had not even occurred to him then. But even if they had, he wasn't sure that Yuki would have been able to answer.

"Yuki's been kept in the dark pretty much all of her life. Like a child… anything her brother thought might scare her was kept out of her reach. I don't think she even really understands her own powers."

"Right. Geez, I wonder what kind of thing could be bad enough to scare someone who's near impossible to kill."

"Beats me," Zero muttered. "I'm not going to pretend I understand how that guy thinks."

By this point they had reached the rooms where the archives were kept. The older hunter working the desk by the entrance looked up in alarm at Zero's arrival. "He's not a prisoner?" he questioned. Zero guessed that the man had sensed his approach and assumed he was in the custody of another hunter.

Yagari brushed him off, "He's a hunter, like the rest of us. If you don't like it then too bad. We're here to take a look at the archives so let us pass."

The man didn't argue and, as they passed on through, Zero had to admit he was grateful Yagari had shown up when he did. The last thing he wanted was to have to argue with a bunch of bull-headed hunters about his right to be here. It wasn't like he was any happier about his being a vampire than they were.

They entered into yet another enormous room, this one filled entirely with shelves lined with books. It was a little daunting to look at. There was so much information here and, even so, Zero couldn't say for certain that he'd be able to find what he needed. Still, he figured there must be a system to it all. He just had to look up where to find a section that might help him.

"So are you going to explain what exactly brought you here, so I can help, or are we just searching blindly until you figure it out?"

Zero didn't look up at his master. He knew his reluctance to put his thoughts into words was only hindering the search, but this wasn't a topic that had ever been easy for him to talk about.

"Just spit it out, Zero. I know you didn't come here for nothing." Zero could hear in Yagari's tone that he was losing patience.

A moment passed and then Zero answered. "I want to know if that woman has the ability to change her appearance. Because, if so… then it's possible that she was at the soirée last night."

Zero raised his eyes to Yagari at last and saw that his master's frown had grown more severe. Obviously, he was wondering how Zero had come to this conclusion, and honestly, Zero wasn't sure. It was just a feeling he had. But even if his search came to nothing in the association archives, he didn't care. He wasn't going to brush it off. A lot had changed in recent months, but that didn't mean Zero had forgotten his goal from years ago. "If I can find out how she did it, then maybe I can find her. And then all I need to do is figure out the best way to kill her."

Yagari's expression was grave. "Going up against a pureblood would be dangerous. Your parents-"

"I know." Zero's fist clenched at his side. Did Yagari really think he needed to say that? "Of course I know that. But I can't let it slide… after what she did… I have to kill her."

"I'm afraid," came a voice from the entrance to the room, "That killing purebloods is not something we can condone here at the Hunter Association."

Both Zero and Yagari turned at the sound of the voice. The figure at the doorway was tall and elegantly dressed. Under carefully arranged silver hair, Zero recognised the face of the Hunter Association president.

"I received word that you'd decided to pay us a visit, Zero, and thought I'd come to greet you myself. You've grown a lot since you were last here."

Exchanging pleasantries was not something Zero had the patience for at the best of times. And as the association president's earlier words were of quite a bit more interest at this moment, Zero decided to get right to the point. "If Shizuka Hio's whereabouts were to be discovered, then wouldn't it be the association's duty to target her as a dangerous vampire?"

"Indeed, it would. But the only thing we could legally do with a vampire of such rare lineage would be to return her to her cage. And this time, ensure that she never again escapes."

Zero had to bite back the rage that leapt up inside him at what he was hearing. But it was difficult to contain completely. "That's not enough for what she did!"

"But if you were to act alone, Zero, and not on behalf of the association, there is one thing you could do to right the wrong she did to you personally."

"There's nothing that could make it right. Nothing will bring my family back."

The president merely raised their eyebrows at Zero's somewhat venomous interruption. "Then there's no need to kill her, is there? As I said, it would be ill advised for you to try. She'd likely kill you sooner than you could raise a finger. And if somehow you were to succeed, the vampire counsel would give us a lot of trouble. They would order your execution at the very least. However… if you could somehow get to her blood without killing her, that would be very useful to us here at the association."

"What do you mean?" Zero couldn't think why he should ever want to go near that woman's blood. The thought of it sickened him.

But the president smiled. "If you were to drink Shizuka's blood, Zero, you would no longer be at risk of falling to Level E. If you were to stabilize like that, you would have the potential to be a very powerful hunter. You would be quite an asset to us."

"So there's a way to save Zero?" Yagari said. "Why didn't we know about this before?"

Zero didn't speak. He didn't take his eyes off the president either as they smiled in a somewhat condescending manner at Yagari. "What use would it have been before now? That woman's whereabouts have been unknown for years."

"You think he couldn't have used a little hope? Instead of being given a death sentence at thirteen?"

Was that what this was? Zero wondered. Hope? For years he had been preparing to die, and there had been a way to save him all along… he wasn't sure what to think about it. The president had a point; Shizuka Hio would still have been missing, he would still have had to go through the transformation the same way. What difference would the information have made when he'd spent so much of that time wishing for death anyway? But now… things had changed. If he asked himself now what he had to live for, he could picture Yuki's smiling face. And it seemed to him that now, finally, hope might be something he could actually use.

But he still didn't know how to find Shizuka.

"With the whole association at your disposal, you must have some idea of where she is," Zero said.

"None at all. In all this time, you're the first person who claims to have seen her. If it's true that she has shown herself to you then I don't believe it was an accident. I'd say she intends for the two of you to meet again. And Zero, you should be prepared for when that happens. Yagari tells me your health has improved considerably lately. It's unexpected, but welcome news. Do you feel you're fit to hunt again?"

Zero looked the president in the eye as he answered, "I am."

"Excellent. Then we'll put it to the test. After all, there's no sense in you locking yourself up in here with your nose in a book, when you can fight. There have been reports of an increase in Level E activity in a nearby town. I want you to investigate and take care of the problem. Toga, you will go with him. Assist if need be, but your primary focus will be to watch and assess our young hunter here, and report back with how he does." The association president looked between the two hunters, "Do you think you can do this, Zero?

Zero didn't even blink. "Just tell us where we need to go."

*

Yuki woke up early the following day. She'd managed to sleep only a little and only because she'd so exhausted herself with crying that morning. She managed a few hours and then drifted in and out of sleep for a while, remembering the worst of the previous night's events each time she woke. As this went on, a new feeling began to creep up on her, slowly replacing her hopelessness with an unfamiliar fire. After eventually lying sleepless in bed for some time, she realised that she was furious with Kaname.

Yuki was not prone to rage, especially not at her brother. But as she sat up in her bed, with the thought, _I don't deserve to be treated like this_ , in her mind, she realised that she needed this feeling. It was how she would get through what needed to be done next. At some point, in the time she'd lain in this bed, miserable and struggling with sleep, she had made her decision. She would go back to Zero. She would do whatever it took to get back to his side; because it was what she wanted, and it was what Zero wanted, and Kaname would not stand in the way of that without a damn good reason.

With that thought, Yuki kicked off her blankets and got to her feet. She didn't need to hesitate because she was ready for this. Today, she was burning on the inside, and she was determined; she would give Kaname hell before she let him separate her from Zero.

Kaname's room was not a place Yuki often visited. There was no need when they had the whole manor between them. Each of their private rooms was generally just that – private. But right now, Yuki didn't care about that. She marched through the hall, right up to Kaname's bedroom door and knocked loudly. She didn't wait for an answer; she just shoved the door open and entered, wearing a look of fierce determination on her face.

As she stepped inside, Kaname was rising into a sitting position on his bed. He was on top of the covers, fully dressed, giving the impression that he hadn't slept at all. The look of faint surprise he'd been wearing when Yuki entered was now turning into something that looked a little like amusement, as he took in the expression on her face. "Yuki," he smiled. "You're up early."

Yuki's hand clenched more tightly at her side. How could he smile after last night? The sight of it disgusted her. All the tears she'd shed, and he wanted to pretend that it was nothing? She raised her chin as she looked him in the eye. "I've come to tell you that I intend to leave today. I won't be stopped either way, but I thought I'd at least give you the chance to change your mind about keeping me here against my will."

The smile did not leave Kaname's face. The way he looked her up and down, taking in her stance as she spoke and not taking it seriously at all; it only made her angrier. She would not back down to him today.

"You know I can't let you do that, Yuki," he told her.

"No, I don't know that!" Yuki huffed. "I can't comprehend why you shouldn't allow me to do the things I want to. Why have you always had such a problem with me making decisions for myself?"

The amusement began to slip from Kaname's features now, and his eyes darkened as it went. "You are still so very young Yuki. You don't understand-"

"I'm not that much younger than you are, Kaname! At what age does my opinion finally start to matter anyway? How old do I have to be before I'm respected enough to not be spied upon without my knowledge? Can you put a number on it? Tell me! When do I start deserving better than this?" Her hands shook a little, so she tightened her fists as she stared Kaname down. A little more quietly she added. "You know that age has nothing to do with it."

Yuki stepped forward, entering further into Kaname's room. The look on his face as she approached him was unreadable. That wasn't exactly making this any easier for her. She had never in her life spoken to Kaname like this. With Kaname, you did what he said, or you suffered the consequences. You didn't stand up to him, and you certainly didn't yell at him. After her outburst, there was a substantial part of Yuki that would have very much liked to run away. But she fought that feeling with all of the fire that had driven her here in the first place. There was something she still wanted desperately to communicate with him. She didn't stop moving until she was on Kaname's bed, sitting in front of him. Then she swept her long hair to the side and offered him her exposed neck. "Take it," she told him. "I won't hold anything back this time."

Kaname's eyes narrowed suspiciously at her. She could see him wondering what sort of game she might be playing with him. But there was no game; that was the point. _Just take me seriously_ , Yuki thought, _for once just see me for who I really am_.

Kaname hesitated for only a moment – then he reached over and pulled Yuki towards him. A few seconds later she felt the familiar bite. She tried her best to relax into it, but the truth was she felt anything but relaxed as she began to feel the blood being drawn from her body. She didn't show him anything in particular, it was more like the door, behind which she'd locked all of those private desires she'd never wanted him to see, had now been left open and Kaname was free to look for whatever it was he might have needed. There were, of course, still some things she would have preferred to keep private, so she tried not to let those memories float to the surface. Even without them, Yuki was sure that Kaname would see more than enough, because her heart was so full of her desire to be free and it was so full of her love for Zero, that there was no way Kaname would be able to miss it. No, Yuki didn't think he was missing a thing. Not if the way his grip on her tightened the more he drank was any indication. His fingers were biting into the skin of her arms with more ferocity than even his teeth on her neck. An exchange like this one was not meant to be painless, but this was not necessary.

"Ah! Kana-" Yuki gasped. "Kaname - you're hurting me!"

Yuki wanted to push him away, but her limbs were starting to feel a bit too heavy. The haze that was settling over her thoughts told her that he was taking too much blood. "Stop, Kaname…" _Please stop!_

Yuki seized what little strength she had left to raise her hands to Kaname's chest and push. For a moment, he resisted, but after a few seconds, he released his grip on her and fell back. His eyes burned a furious crimson. Hers were wide and wet as they took him in, watching him lick the remains of her blood from his lips. He continued to stare at her neck for a long moment, before raising his glowing eyes to hers. "You're too naive, Yuki," Kaname said. "Thinking that something like this would help… It only shows how willing you are to throw yourself into danger. You don't stop for a second to think of how that kind heart of yours could get you hurt."

Yuki reached up to touch the wound on her neck. It was only a little sore, and Yuki knew it would begin to heal over within a few seconds, but she still felt shaken by the feel of Kaname's fangs there, digging in even after she'd asked him to stop. What had that been – some kind of lesson? Had he been trying to prove a point?

"Why, Kaname? I thought – I only wanted…" she felt light-headed still, and that was making it difficult to form a coherent sentence.

"You wanted to show me that you love him more than me."

Yuki felt the guilt bubble up in her again. It had become so familiar to her now that even this hurtful way Kaname was behaving couldn't seem to keep it away. There was an apology once more on the tip of her tongue. She bit it back. This wasn't how she'd wanted this to go. She'd wanted to be fearless today. Why did that always have to be so difficult for her? Swallowing those countless apologies that had threatened to spill over, she told him instead, "That's not it. Yes, I love him. That feeling is so strong inside me that I don't know if I've ever been able to hide it. But that was only a part of it. I just wanted you to see me the way I really am for once."

Kaname's eyes had reverted back to their usual, darker red now. Yuki couldn't tell if it really made them look any softer. There was still such an intensity in them that scared her all the more as the feeling of his grip and his teeth on her lingered. "I do see you, Yuki. And that's what scares me. Just the thought of you out there alone is terrifying to me. I'm terrified of losing you."

"But why do you feel that way?" Yuki asked in a small voice. She could see in his eyes that he wasn't lying about his fears. But it seemed irrational to her. It never had made sense. She frowned up at him, trying to work it out. "It's not just because of Zero is it? There's got to be more to it than simple jealously."

Kaname laughed mirthlessly. "There's nothing simple about the feeling."

Yuki looked away, uncomfortable with the thought. "Right. But, either way, there's more to it than that. You didn't put me through all this – keeping me locked up here, spying on me – just because you want to keep me to yourself. I know you. You wouldn't act on such a feeling." But even as she said the words, she began to doubt them. How many times was it now that he had betrayed her trust? Even now, this light headed feeling, the way it was a struggle just to sit upright, was a direct result of her blind faith in him. And this was after everything he'd said to her last night. She'd been so stupid.

"You think only that I wouldn't _act_ on that desire? So you recognise, at least, that such feelings do exist within me?" The words made Yuki's stomach turn, like confirmation of her most ugly suspicions. Why would he admit to it now? He couldn't be trying to push her away. What could be so bad that he'd rather she think this of him than know the truth?

She looked up at him, but could not read any more from his expression than she already had. "That can't be all there is," Yuki said, and a tear rolled down her cheek. "Otherwise you kept me here all those years under the pretence that I was in danger, when really it was all for your own selfish reasons. Was I really that stupid to believe in you?"

"It was not stupidity. Your kindness is a beautiful and rare thing. I love you all the more because of it." Kaname's fingers touched the back of Yuki's hand and the contact chilled her. She pulled away and wondered when this had become about her _kindness_. People could be kind without being horribly deceived by those they loved. She'd never noticed before, what a subtle way he had of transferring blame for his actions onto someone else.

"That's no comfort coming from you," she said, with a sudden and unexpectedly venomous bite to her words. "You say that it's because of my kindness or my naivety that you need to protect me, but the only one who has taken advantage of me so far is you." Hearing such a sound come from her mouth was unsettling even to her. It was like the voice of someone else, so filled with hurt and anger. She wiped at the fresh wave of tears that spilled from her eyes. She didn't want to cry again; it took so much out of her, and she had so little strength to spare as it was. But she couldn't seem to help it. She'd never felt so betrayed and miserable. And the truth was that she hated the way anger felt. She had tried earlier to use the feeling to her advantage and had failed - and now all that was left over was this horrible feeling, conjuring up hateful words that made her own voice unrecognisable to her as she spoke them.

"I only wanted to believe that the brother I'd always loved was still here in front of me. That brother always looked after me. I depended on him, and trusted him. But I don't see him anymore. You've become more like a stranger now."

Yuki had thought that Kaname would have had something to say about any one of those thoughts, but he had fallen silent. She had seen this look on his face before – or something similar to it. Usually it was impenetrable, impossible to read. Now she thought she could make out something conflicted in him.

"What is it?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" Yuki asked warily. He had a lot of reasons to be sorry lately, she thought.

Kaname reached out, as though to touch her neck, then stopped himself, seeing clearly on her face how little she wanted to be touched by him. "I should not have hurt you."

"No, you shouldn't have." Yuki frowned, not believing that that was it.

"I lost my temper."

"I know. Kaname, you're deflecting. What aren't you telling me?"

Kaname shook his head and spoke quietly, "There's nothing…"

"Stop lying to me!"

Kaname just looked at her. He looked the same as before, conflicted, yet otherwise unreadable. He did not deny it again, and that was how Yuki knew she was getting closer to some kind of answer. She wouldn't back down like she always had done in the past. This time she refused to. Though she felt weaker than ever, she would push through and discover the truth. She didn't know if she'd have another chance like this to do so.

"There's something you've been hiding. And somehow, you'd rather I think you a slave to your most selfish desires than have me find out the truth… What could be that bad that you have to hide it like that?"

Kaname stared at her for a long moment and then, somehow, he smiled. "Even after everything, you still refuse to believe the worst of me. Your faith in me makes me happy."

Yuki shook her head in disbelief at his words. Was this another way of dodging the subject? How far was he willing to go, she wondered. "I'm not praising you Kaname. I'm giving you an ultimatum: either you tell me the truth, or you lose me. Because even if I lack the strength to get up and walk out of here, and even if you lock me up, you can't stop me for hating you for it. But you can at least try to start making up for what you've put me through. Do that by being truthful for once."

She had wiped the smile clean from Kaname's face. The look that replaced it might have been enough to frighten her, had her own fury not been stoked so far as well. It didn't feel any better to her now than it had before, but it helped to keep her going. It fuelled her to say what she needed to say to him.

"What makes you so afraid of having me away from you? What am I in danger from?"

As Kaname stared back at her, there was no change in his expression, so there was no visible sign of the point when he at last gave in to her. The words just came: "Rido Kuran."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! Cliff-hanger! Though kind of a lame one, since we know most of what happened with Rido from the manga... obviously I've changed a few things though. Really this chapter was just getting a bit too long (12000+ words - a new record for me!) and this seemed like the best point to split it up in order to provide some consistency in chapter length. The good news is that the next chapter (originally the second half of this one) is finished already, I've just got to read over and perfect it. I'll just give it a few days first then I can come back to it with a fresh perspective. In the meantime I'd love to know what you're all thinking. Perhaps getting a whole bunch of comments would inspire me to update extra fast ;D haha okay enough with the bribery. Thank you all so much for reading. I'll probably be back by Sunday or something – hopefully!  
> (Chapter title from Books Written For Girls by Camera Obscura)


	40. Don't ever let anyone tell you you deserve that

In the end, it was more that fact that he’d answered her at all that surprised her, than the answer itself. It made sense somehow. It tied in so well with that other subject Kaname had always refused to elaborate upon for her: the deaths of their parents.

“You told me that you took care of him over a decade ago.”

“And I did. That night I made it so that he would not be able to harm you the way he did Haruka and Juri. I incapacitated him. But I did not kill him. Eventually he will return. When he does, it will be you he comes for first.”

The words chilled her, but they also brought up so many questions that she had to ignore the feeling. “What did you do to him?”

Kaname’s answer was reluctant, “I tore him apart. I crushed him to the point where he lost all recognisable form, so that it would take him many years to regenerate.”

Yuki was suitably horrified. Was this why he had never told her? Either so that he wouldn’t scare her or because he didn’t want her to know he was capable of such a violent act? But it couldn’t be… Rido was a monster. He’d torn apart their family and had to be stopped. There had to be more to this still. “Why go so far? Why not kill him and be done with it? And __how__  did you do it? If he’d already killed Mother and Father, then how were __you__  able to stop him? You were just a child then!”

“Rido was stronger than Haruka and Juri. He had already devoured the lives of their parents and countless others. He wielded a hunter’s weapon in secret so that they could not have known his advantage until it was too late.”

“But Mother had __Artemis__ …” There were tears in Yuki’s eyes again now.

“When I arrived she had already been disarmed. Haruka was mortally wounded. Rido had let him watch while he drained the life from Juri. I do not think it had been his intention to kill her, but she refused to yield to him…” Kaname trailed off and she knew it was because he knew how painful it was for her to hear. But she had no intention of shrinking from the truth today, no matter how much it hurt.

“Tell me…” she insisted, through her tears.

“I arrived only in time to watch him rip the heart from her chest. She must already have been wounded by his blade, or it would have been possible to revive her… His was the darkest of desires; to devour someone so entirely that no one else can ever have them…” The words made Yuki shudder, but Kaname just looked lost in thought as he continued, “It was my hesitation that cost them their lives. I should have gone to their aid sooner.”

Yuki was shocked by the admission. The small frown Kaname wore was the only indication of the guilt he felt. “You were taking care of me!” She was surprised by how quickly she jumped to his defence even now. But for all Kaname’s faults, Yuki knew he had not wished for their parents’ deaths. She could not blame him for that. “I was so scared that night. I didn’t want you to leave me…”

“I didn’t want that either. If he had somehow got past me, or if one of his servants had, you would have been defenceless.”

Yuki sniffled, and shed several more tears as she thought about it. She couldn’t say, thinking back on it now, that she didn’t wish he had taken that risk, if it could have possibly ensured their parents’ survival. But she didn’t see how Kaname could have predicted what happened. Pureblood vampires were generally evenly matched against each other. One should not have been able to kill two others the way Rido had that night. There was no doubt that he was the only one to blame for this. Yuki did not regret what Kaname had done to him, but that should have been the end of it. She couldn’t understand why Kaname hadn’t killed him. “Why didn’t you use his own blade against him? Or else __Artemis__  must have been somewhere close too…”

“I could not.”

“But… but if you were able to overpower him, it couldn’t have been that much more difficult to get hold of his weapon.”

“That was not the problem, Yuki. Tearing him to shreds was all I could do. Even with a hunter weapon in my possession, I would not have been able to deal the killing blow.”

“Why not?”

Kaname hesitated for a long while and Yuki stared at him as she waited for him to speak. In her confusion, her tears had stopped and now she wiped at the damp tracks they had left on her cheeks. When Kaname spoke at last, his words did not ease her confusion in the slightest. “Rido Kuran was the __‘master’__  who resurrected me from my long slumber. Your real brother was sacrificed by him that night in order to wake me. Because it was Rido who did that, I cannot be the one to kill him. I must find some other way.”

It all sounded nonsensical to her. “What do you mean, my __real__ brother? You’re my brother, Kaname - my only brother.”

Kaname was looking at her sadly now. It was the clearest display of emotion she had seen on his face since their conversation had begun. That lonely look he so often gave her had returned to his eyes again. “That’s… not the case… Yuki, your brother died years before you were born. I was taken care of by your parents in that child’s place… But I am not your brother.”

Once again, the words were baffling. She wondered if he could possibly be lying again. But what could he hope to achieve with a story like this? Everything about him at this moment told her how he hadn’t wanted her to know this. This was clearly the truth that he had been so reluctant to share with her for so many years.

“Wh-who are you?” Yuki stuttered out. The question felt absurd. This was __Kaname__  - he was her brother! Why was he telling her otherwise? She’d known him her whole life, so who else could he possibly be?

“I’m an ancestor of yours - from many generations ago… I was the progenitor of the Kuran line. The child of Juri and Haruka, who died the night I awoke from my coffin, had been given the same name as me. Kaname; it was a name I was given thousands of years ago.”

“Thousands…?” Yuki’s eyes were wide as she tried to comprehend it. Her head was spinning, though whether that was from the information she was struggling to process, her earlier blood loss, or a combination of the two, she couldn’t tell. “How did you come to take the place of… that child?” She couldn’t get her mind at all around the idea that __that child__ had been her brother - a brother she had never even known about.

“Perhaps it would be easiest for me to show you.” Kaname held out a hand to her. “I can take you to where it happened - here in this house.” Yuki stared at the extended hand without taking it. She didn’t think she could walk right now, even if she had wanted to. Kaname seemed to understand at least part of it. “Then I can show you my memories. Here, take my blood…”

Yuki shook her head and shuffled back on the bed as he inclined towards her. He looked slightly annoyed. “You need blood,” he said. “Why do you refuse it still?”

“I don’t want it,” she insisted.

“You’re being foolish. You’re weak. You will not manage very much longer without.”

“And whose fault is that?” Yuki snapped.

Kaname’s eyes darkened for an instant, before his face became an expressionless mask; the way it often looked when he was hurt or angry. Yuki’s instinct was to feel guilty, until she reminded herself that she had every right to be angry with him. “I can’t trust you right now. I don’t want to give you any opportunity to manipulate my feelings.”

Kaname glared at her. “If that’s how you feel.”

“It is.”

“Very well…” Kaname waited for a moment as though still considering his options. Then he added, “I’ll tell you what I can.” He spoke in a detached voice that matched the mask he was using to hide the true extent of his hurt feelings. Though Yuki knew what he was concealing, she admitted that it made things easier when he didn’t show it. “I had been sleeping in my coffin in the underground mausoleum beneath this house for long, long time before Rido came to me. I was in a horrific state: my body was deteriorating, wasting away with thousands of year’s worth of starvation. The blood he sacrificed with the death of that baby was enough to wake me, but it was not enough to restore me to anything like my former state. I woke a blood-starved beast. I attacked Rido immediately, but even his blood did little to help, and I could not kill him because of his __‘master’s’__  hold over me. The only option I had was to revert back into the form of an infant and seal my memories. That was how Juri and Haruka found me. They took care of me as their own son, from that day until the day of their deaths.”

Yuki’s anger was momentarily forgotten as her heart filled with sorrow at the thought of her mother and father having to go through such an ordeal. What must they have felt when they realised that their baby son had been stolen and offered up as a sacrifice by their own brother? “Why would Uncle Rido do such a thing?” she whispered.

“Power,” Kaname answered. “He planned to wake me and devour my blood for his own gain. But he underestimated my ability to resist him. Even in my weakened state, his plan failed.”

“So… it was your power as - as the progenitor… that’s how we survived that night… even though we were only children. You weren’t really a child at all!”

“My body at that time was indeed that of a young teen. But the memories of my life before had begun to awaken by then. I knew more of what I was capable of than most vampires would at that age.”

It was a lot to swallow, but Yuki found herself nodding. Her head was still dizzy with so many questions. It was difficult to sort them all out.

“Why is it me he wants now? Power, again?” She shook her head while a small confused frown appeared on her brow. “ _ _Why?__ ”

“What was the term you used earlier? __A slave to desire__ …? Rido was a slave to his obsession.”

“His obsession?”

“Your mother…”

Yuki stared. “But she died. __He__  killed her!”

“Yet her daughter lives…”

The thought sickened her; an obsessive love that defied all reason… That’s what they were talking about.

“A vampire’s thirst can only be quenched by the blood of the one they love…” Kaname murmured. It seemed his thoughts had taken the same route as Yuki’s. “It happens all too often that a vampire will fall to madness, having lived countless years with an unquenchable, never ending thirst. And with our infinite lifespan, purebloods are always the most likely to suffer such a fate.”

Yuki shuddered. The implications of Kaname’s words were not lost on her. They were clear in that intensity she so often caught in his gaze. There was a gleam of it in his eyes right now.

“You don’t have to be like that man,” she said seriously. “I know that you’re afraid that that might happen to you too - that you can see elements of Uncle Rido in yourself. In the way you reacted to what I did last night - or the way you bit me earlier… You want to think that it’s all just your nature, but you still have the ability to choose which actions you take. You don’t have to let __vampire nature__ be all there is to you!”

Kaname smiled sadly at her. “That’s a beautiful sentiment. I admire it.”

“Don’t say that that’s all it is. Like it’s just some foolish dream of mine.”

“Yuki, you only recently began your time on this earth… I’ve had ten thousand years to come to know the nature of our kind - and our thirst. I was alone for a great portion of that time and it was because of that loneliness I chose to spend many thousands of those years in a slumber I never intended to awaken from. I was incredibly fortunate to have met you on the other side of that dormant period. Because this is one thing I know painfully well: we cannot hope to make it through forever without another who shares our feelings - and our lifespan.”

The words hit her like a painful slap. They played so deliberately on her worst fears. How cruel of him to say it knowing she could never hope for Zero’s lifespan to match her own. She had no way of knowing if Zero would even make it through the next few years.

Hurt by Kaname’s cruel reminder, Yuki lashed out again, “But I don’t share your feelings. At best we’d be together all that time, but we’d both be longing for the love of someone we can’t ever have.”

“We have a long enough time ahead of us for you to change your mind.”

“Will you __listen__  to yourself?” said Yuki sharply. “You want me to believe that we have to be together because, if we don’t, we’ll lose ourselves to our unfulfilled desires. You think there’s no other way to avoid it. But don’t you see? If that’s true then you’ve already lost me! I may not have lived for thousands of years, but I’ve spent months becoming acquainted with my own thirst, and that’s all I need to know that your blood does __nothing__  to help it. For me…” Her words slowed and though a note of sadness entered her voice, she continued with quiet determination, “For me there’s only Zero… I only want his blood.” It sounded so hopeless in light of what Kaname had just told her. But she couldn’t let herself believe that there was nothing she could do to against it. “I may never be able to taste it… but I can’t let that change me. I won’t deny that there is a voice inside me that whispers sometimes that I should just take whatever I want… but I can’t give into that. That voice isn’t who I am, or what I believe in. Even if I’m a vampire, I want to be someone who can be kind to others and think of their needs. It’s what I want so, even if you think I’m naive, I won’t change. I’ll keep on making that choice for myself for as long as I can.”

__Just like Zero__ , she thought to herself. He’d fought for years against a transformation that would have broken most former-humans a lot sooner. Eventually, succumbing to the vampire in him had been something he couldn’t help. But he had never let the inevitability of it stop him from fighting it every moment that he could. And, even now, he hadn’t let it change him - not truly. It had never taken away what was fundamentally __good__  about him. If he could do that then… “I’m not going to worry about inevitabilities. Getting through __right now__  with my beliefs intact is more important. I wish that you would come to see things the same way.”

The mask-like expression Kaname had adopted seemed to be having some trouble keeping everything hidden inside him now, and Yuki could imagine that there was a lot going on in his mind. Despite his revelation that he’d had a whole life before she’d been born, the time that they had grown up together… that had been real, hadn’t it? She could at least say she knew that part of him - the part that had been her big brother. She knew him well enough to see how he was struggling with his contradictory feelings. She felt she understood that about him now better than she ever had before. He’d worked so hard all her life to only let her see the side of him that wanted to protect and treasure her. The beast inside him was something she’d only ever seen glimpses of. It had scared her, but she hadn’t understood it, and she had largely just ignored it or tried to convince herself it wasn’t real. Since last night, she had come to know it better than ever. It was real, and it was much more a part of him than she could have guessed. But that wasn’t all there was to him. If he loved her, he would fight that possessive demon inside him, wouldn’t he?

“I don’t know if I can see things that way, not entirely…” he uttered the words with eyes downcast. She wasn’t sure if she was imagining it, but she thought there might be something slightly defeated about him now. “You know… since the day you were born my only goal was to protect you. But somewhere along the way…” Kaname shook his head, trailing off.

“It would have been better if you’d taught me to help myself, instead of always keeping me in the dark about everything.”

“Perhaps… It seems I was trying to preserve something that may have been lost a long time ago.”

She’d known that for a long time. It had become clear recently that Kaname was trying to take their relationship somewhere new, somewhere she knew she didn’t want to go. Yet, at the same time, he clearly wanted to hold on to the time before Haruka and Juri had died; those innocent times when they’d been happier, and perhaps even the period following when they had clung together with no one but the other for comfort. Once they had ended, he’d either tried too hard or he’d been absent. All Yuki had wanted then was to be allowed to grow up, so she didn’t have to be left behind anymore.

Yuki voiced a thought as it came to her, “Kaname, all those times you were away. You were looking for a way to stop him coming back, weren’t you? That’s why you would never tell me what you were doing.”

Slowly, Kaname nodded.   

“Did you ever find anything?”

Kaname hesitated, and Yuki figured it was because he was so unused to answering such questions from her. He must have realised how little point there was in resisting now that she knew the truth. “Very little… I know now where he is and that he is indeed alive, but not enough restored in body to make any form of attack.”

Yuki let out a breath. “So that means we have time… Kaname don’t keep anything from me anymore please… I want to get stronger too. I want to be able to protect myself and the people I love if that man does wake up and come after me again.”                 

Looking at Kaname, she expected to see only resistance to her declaration, but there was something else in his eyes now as she stared determinedly at him. Mixed in with the unavoidable worry was admiration. It was the last thing Yuki expected. “What you said before…” he began quietly, “I do not know if I can ever truly believe in the same ideals as you. I wish I could, but the world we live in is not that simple. It’s an unforgiving place. If I were to let my guard down then what might happen to you? You’re the one I want to protect… and I think I’d like to protect your right to a simple, pure outlook in this life as much as any other part of you. The fact that you can hold such beliefs is exactly what I love so much about you. I don’t want you to change, Yuki…”

Yuki blinked in surprise. It sounded like she might have actually got through to him a little. But something stopped her before she allowed herself to become swept up in his pretty words; she’d done that so many times in the past, only to be disappointed later. Now she had to wonder what he really meant by them. “That’s - that’s great… But, does that mean you’re going to let me go?”

Kaname did not answer. She took that as an indication that he had not yet changed his mind, but simply his tactics instead. She was so tired already. The disappointment she felt told her that she had already allowed herself to be somewhat swept up in everything he’d told her. She hadn’t liked what he’d confessed to her, but his honesty had seemed something like a promise that he could do better. Perhaps he’d known that. Could he have guessed she’d feel that way and have used it to his advantage? She had to work so hard just to be wary of him. She didn’t want to have to live like this. If he couldn’t give her a reason to trust him then… she just wanted to be done with it - painful as it was to admit to herself.  

Yuki sighed. “You know Kaname… even I have my limits. I’ve told you already that I want to go back to Cross Academy and if you try to keep me here against my will, I don’t think I can forgive you for it.” She hesitated for a moment then made the decision to continue. There was a lot that she still needed to say to him and she had to do it now, while she still felt brave enough. “I also haven’t forgotten about you spying on mewhile I was there last - I know you thought you had good reason for it, but keeping it secret like that was completely out of line. I can only think that deep down you must have had selfish reasons for not letting me know you were there. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to trust you again after that… but I know that if I ever had any idea of you doing it again then that would become impossible.”

It was awful to say it out loud. She hated it. But she couldn’t stop; it was too important that he knew how she really felt now. She continued speaking slowly and evenly, “I don’t know yet if you can ever really lose me… You say you’re not my brother - you’re this whole other person that I don’t even know about. Part of me feels like you’re a complete stranger, but then I look at you and… you don’t look like one. I think that… maybe when Rido woke you up that night, you started a new life and we became a family - or we would become one. You were defenceless then and our parents looked after you - they raised you like their own child so... so that __must__  make them your parents too. And when I was born, you looked after me, so that must make me your sister. Those were the roles we grew up with and I don’t think that changes just because you had another life before then. I’m not saying that what I know now doesn’t change anything; I don’t know if I’ve processed it all the way and I’m definitely still going to need to adjust. I’m going to need time to do that… But what I’m saying is that I’m not someone who can just disappear from your life for no real reason. You’ve always meant too much to me for me to just… slip away like that. But the way you are with me - it’s too much. If you don’t want to drive me away then you need to loosen your grip a little. If I have to struggle free from you then I don’t know if I’ll ever want to come back.”

She hadn’t meant to let her voice crack a little with that last sentence, nor had she meant for tears to well up in her eyes again as she listed the reasons Kaname was still family to her, even after everything. She’d wanted to stay strong as she as she made her last effort to convince him, but the words were so difficult to speak, she allowed herself this small sign of vulnerability. She didn’t feel like she had much fight left in her today. Besides, she was fairly certain she’d said all she could really say. Anything else would send them talking in circles and she was tired, and she was done. She just wiped the wet from her eyes and with an unwavering look at Kaname, told him one last time, “Just let me go.”

It took Kaname a long time to respond. For a while they simply looked at each other in silence. Kaname’s eyes looked so sad that, even after everything, it still hurt more than she thought she could stand. But if she backed down now, all of this would have been for nothing. And she’d already decided that she was not going to be manipulated any more.

Finally Kaname spoke, and perhaps he had heard the finality in her request and understood her resolve, because the words surprised her. “Yes, Yuki… If that’s what you really want then… go, gather your things. I’ll speak to you again before you leave.”

Yuki released the breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding. Then she nodded and took the dismissal with gratitude; not just because she was relieved by his answer, but because she wasn’t sure she could take staying in that room, with the look on Kaname’s face, for a second longer. The hollow resignation in his voice as he had given his answer tore at her insides. There was a part of her that hated herself for doing this to him. A voice inside that screamed at her to turn back and make things right, do whatever she could to take away his sadness.

But that Yuki was at odds with the Yuki who could feel her legs shaking as she walked because of all the blood she had lost to Kaname’s vindictive punishment earlier. This new, grown Yuki was tired from the weight of all the guilt she’d been carrying, not just since she’d fallen for Zero, but for years, ever since she’d first wished for more than Kaname had been willing to give her. It wasn’t easy to walk away, but she had to believe it was right. Even when, not a second after she’d closed the door to Kaname’s room, she heard glass shattering behind it - the tell-tale sound of a vampire under extreme emotional stress. She forced herself to walk on. Things had to change, she told herself, and for that to happen, she had to leave.

But still, more and more tears filled her eyes as she made herself take one step and then another away from Kaname. She pushed away those suffocating thoughts telling her that she was being selfish and cruel; hurting someone whose sins had all been committed out of love for her. The logical part of her mind knew that that was no excuse for the pain he’d caused her and it kept her going. But the guilt was too natural to her to be ignored completely.

The pain of hurting Kaname this way was such that she might not have been able to fight it, if it hadn’t been for the knowledge of where she was heading. If she pushed through her guilt then she could see Zero’s face in her mind. The memory of the words he had spoken the night before she’d come here was shining somewhere beyond all this darkness. He’d told her to stand up for herself, and he’d believed she could do it.

Yuki stopped to steady herself against a wall and took a long, deep breath. Then she wiped away the tears that were blurring her vision and silently thanked Zero for somehow still being there for her, even when he couldn’t physically __be__  with her. With that, she gathered what little strength she had left and kept walking.

*

Yuki did not have much to pack, as most of her things were already at the Academy. She could have quickly grabbed the small bag of clothes she’d brought back with her, but she wasn’t sure if she should wait a while longer before leaving. Kaname had clearly wanted to say his goodbyes first, and she got the impression he needed a little time to cool off before he would be ready to do that.

It was still quite early, but she knew that if she wanted to get back to Cross Academy at a reasonable hour then she would have to leave soon. Still, she dawdled a little, poking around her room for any extra things that might be useful to have with her at the Academy. She picked out several books and a couple of records; nothing terribly important, besides __Artemis__  in its wooden box, which she tucked in carefully amongst her clothes. She realised that she was probably stalling as much for her own benefit, as for Kaname’s. She wasn’t sure that she really wanted to see him again so soon after their conversation. Ideally, she probably would have already been on the road by now, even without a goodbye.           

Yuki was feeling a little better now than she had after leaving Kaname’s room, though she had had to consume rather a lot of blood tablets to get to that state. Even now, she hadn’t quite lost the feel of his hands clutching her arms after she’d asked him to stop. She’d had to ignore the feeling throughout most of their conversation, only letting herself remember in moments when she felt her resolve wavering. Now there was little else to distract her from it. It was difficult to make sense of - so different from the image of the loving older brother she’d always kept in her mind. And the thought that he wasn’t really her brother at all was another thing entirely. Although she did believe that in many ways that was what he still was to her, he’d still kept it from her and he would have continued to, if she hadn’t forced the truth out of him. She was going to have to work through her feelings about that another time; because she didn’t think she could do it now, not in this house. She was still frightened that her resolve would fail her. It wasn’t surprising really; he’d had such control over her for so much of her life. Even now, there was a part of her worrying that she might have deserved it somehow. Was it her fault? Could she have avoided the pain they were both feeling now, if she’d only been more open with him from the moment she’d first thought about leaving this house? She rubbed at her arms where that awful feeling lingered…

Then she suddenly turned and picked up the bags she’d packed. She was done with waiting around, going over the same thoughts in her head. She knew that the worries she had, that she might be doing the wrong thing, were not coming from a healthy place inside her. They were remnants of the Yuki who had allowed herself to be controlled by Kaname for so long. It took such effort to fight the feeling back, that she was scared seeing Kaname one more time might shatter her resolve entirely. But, sternly, she told herself that that would not be the case. She had already come this far, hadn’t she? She had stood up to him, and he had tried and tried to manipulate her into staying, but she hadn’t backed down. It was proof that she was a lot stronger than she had ever really believed herself to be.

So, though she wanted to run, she decided she wasn’t going to. She was going to end this properly. Though it wouldn’t be goodbye forever, it would certainly be for a while. She was going to get her feelings about Kaname properly sorted out before she even thought about seeing him again after this.

Yuki took her bags up to the front door and left them there while she went to find Tove. She wanted the car ready to go as soon as she was done saying her goodbyes to Kaname. She only needed to look for a few minutes before she found a maid who had knew where to find her driver. She offered to fetch Tove for her and Yuki accepted the help. As she turned to head back to the front door, she began to sense Kaname’s presence again.

Yuki found him looking at her bags when she got back. She could already feel, as she stepped into the hall, that he had managed to calm down somewhat. He had changed into clean clothes and his hair was wet from the shower. When he turned his face towards her, it was mostly devoid of expression, but Yuki could make out the hurt in his eyes even so.

“Packed already?” he murmured. “You must be in quite a rush to get away from me.”

Even after everything, Kaname’s ability to make her feel guilty still packed a punch. She dropped her gaze to the ground. “I thought it would be better to arrive back while everyone’s still awake, since they aren’t expecting me yet.”

She realised now that she probably should have called ahead to let them know she was coming. But the thought of heading back to Kaname’s study to use the phone seemed unappealing now that she was finally so close to getting out of this house. Besides, Kaien and Zero wouldn’t mind if she turned up a little earlier than expected, she was sure of it.

Yuki could feel Kaname’s eyes burning into her and it made her not want to look up. It was beginning to feel more obvious to her now, how she’d never stood up to him before. It was taking so much out of her. All of the ferocity she had woken with had melted away so quickly. There was a heavy silence building between the two of them that only broke with the sound of approaching footsteps. Tove had come to collect Yuki’s bags.

“Thank you,” Yuki smiled at her, as she collected the luggage. “I’m sorry for dragging you out so suddenly like this.”

“Not at all, Yuki-sama, it’s what I’m here for, after all,” said Tove, a touch awkwardly. It seemed she’d easily picked up on the tension in the room.

“I’m grateful. Could you have the car waiting outside for me, please?”

Tove bowed politely and left to do as she was asked. Little more than a second passed before Yuki found herself engulfed by a pair of arms.

“You can always change your mind, you know,” Kaname whispered into her ear.

Hesitantly, Yuki put her arms around him, choosing to return the hug because she was leaving him, and it was the most she could do for him now. “I know,” she said softly, “But it’s not going to happen… You shouldn’t wait for me to do so.”

Yuki felt Kaname’s arms tighten a little around her and for a second she had to fight back the memory of his painful grip on her earlier. But she managed not to pull away. This hug wasn’t like that. It might have been Kaname’s last effort to convince her to stay, but Yuki could feel his love in it, so she wanted to let him have it. It felt important to her too, if for slightly different reasons.

They stayed that way only until Yuki heard the sound of the car pulling up outside the manor. Finally, Yuki spoke the words, “Goodbye Kaname.”

“Yuki…” She felt his soft kiss on the top of her head before she pulled herself out of the embrace. Now Yuki found herself looking up into anguished eyes. She had to force herself not to look too quickly away from them.

“Please don’t look so sad,” she whispered. “I need time, but we’ll see each other again.”

Kaname reached out a hand to touch the side of her face. “My dearest Yuki…” She’d never seen him struggle for words like this before. There must have been so much more that he wanted to say. But he was finally realising that none of it was going to make a difference. Even so, she was a little surprised when all he could come up with was, “Take care…”

Yuki tried to smile. “You too, Kaname.”

And now, there was no more reason to put it off, so Yuki turned away. She opened the front door to the Kuran Manor and stepped out into the fading early evening light. Then she went at last to the waiting car that would take her back home to Cross Academy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it’s done! Yuki’s week long stay at the Kuran manor was originally meant to be three chapters long, but instead it ended up being five! I got completely carried away. Well I guess there was a lot to cover. I really wanted to make Yuki and Kaname have a proper talk. Like… wow, imagine how differently things could have gone in VK if those two had talked things through properly instead of Kaname just waiting until he was on his deathbed to be like ‘you should be with Zero!’ As if that magically solves everything! I do think VKM might be on the right track to resolving some of the issues with the original ending, but it’s still pretty cathartic to tackle a few them myself. I know canon Yuki would probably never say half the things I’ve had her say to Kaname here, but I hope there are some of you who are as satisfied as I am by seeing her stand her ground rather than just taking all of the blame onto herself.   
> One other thing before I go… I really hope it’s okay for me not to bring Rido into this story beyond the mention of him in this chapter... I wasn’t sure if talking about him was going to make people expect him to show up at some point and be disappointed when he doesn’t. At this point, I haven’t written the end of the story yet, so I can’t tell if it’s going to look like a loose end. But I figure it’s not really going to do much to advance the story I’m telling - and the manga pretty much covered it already. Yuki’s probably going to have to face him at some point in her future, but I’m pretty happy to just leave it to your imaginations. Is that okay for me to do? Aha I’m getting kind of nervous now that I’m getting closer to the end. There shouldn’t be more than ten chapters left to go, if all goes to plan. I really hope I can do a good job with them!  
> As usual, if you’re enjoying the story then I’d really love to know. Please tell me your thoughts - and thank you all for reading!  
> (Chapter title from Wake by The Antlers)


	41. Stay with me. Hold my hand. There's no need to be brave.

Several hours later, Yuki let herself in through the front door of the Headmaster’s residence at Cross Academy. She smiled at how Kaien never had been one to lock his front door. It gave such a different feeling to the place compared to Yuki’s childhood home, where the doors had not just been locked, but she had been forbidden from going outside.

Yuki called out as she placed her bags down in the hall with some relief. She would take them to her room later. Though they’d been fine to carry when she’d got out of the car, she hadn’t exactly rushed to the house. Yuki had been so excited to be outside again, after spending so much of the past week indoors, that she hadn’t been able to resist having a small wonder around the grounds she’d come to love so much. She’d hoped that Yori and Zero might still be about, doing their prefect rounds, but perhaps it was a little late for that now. Instead she’d simply enjoyed the walk alone, until the bag she’d stuffed with books started to feel a bit too heavy and she decided to go in.

The long drive back to the academy had given Yuki a lot of time to think about seeing Zero again. So much that she’d begun to feel a little nervous about it. Yuki could still only barely believe that their last meeting had been real. Zero had kissed her. That had really happened. Yuki had been through an exceptional amount since last night and she was emotionally exhausted. But, even so, just remembering those moments with Zero was enough to flood her whole body with happiness.

Yuki had, however, become so used to being careful with her feelings for Zero that the more she thought about it, the more worries began to take root. It was so difficult not to let the feelings she’d worked so hard to contain spill over now and start her wondering if everything would be different when she saw him again. Would she finally be able to be with him the way she’d wanted to for so long? She couldn’t assume that the answer to those questions was yes – because there were other questions appearing in her mind too. What if he’d realised afterwards that he’d made a mistake? What if it didn’t really mean that he felt the same way as her? Yuki had gone so long accepting that her feelings might not ever come to anything, but after last night, she didn’t think she could go back to that and be okay with it. Not after she’d allowed her hopes to fly so high and out of control. It would break her.

But now the journey was over, along with all that time where she had nothing to do but think. With everything that had happened since she saw Zero last, it was difficult not to let her fears start getting the better of her. Now that she was home, the desire to see him was stronger than any fear. Yuki stepped past her bags and called out, “Headmaster… Zero? I’m back!”

But there was only one reply to the call and, after a moment, Yuki realised that she couldn’t feel Zero’s presence here at all. He wasn’t home. Yuki wasn’t allowed much chance to wonder where he could be before she heard footsteps, and Kaien calling back to her, “Yuki… Is that you?” After a moment he appeared, wearing a cheerful grin. “Back already? What a surprise!”

“Yes! Hello!” Yuki smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry to show up early without any warning…”

Yuki was cut off by the Headmaster pulling her suddenly into a big hug. “What nonsense! Of course I’m happy to see you, Yuki!”

Yuki blushed at Kaien’s warm welcome, but she smiled all the same. Once he had released her, he began to usher her into the other room. “Come through to the kitchen, Yuki, and we’ll have some tea while you tell me all about your visit home. Oh! Have you eaten? I wasn’t sure what time the boys would be back, so I left a stew in the oven. There should be plenty to go around.”

Kaien talked all the way to the kitchen. As they entered, Yuki was hit by the smell of the food and she realised that she was starving. She’d left in such a hurry earlier that she hadn’t even noticed that she hadn’t eaten anything all day. “That would be great. I’d love some!”

Yuki took a seat at the kitchen table as Kaien went to fill the kettle with fresh water. She told him, “I’m not sure that there’s much to say about last week. I only left the house once besides the soirée.

“So then you missed us here at Cross Academy? Is that what brings you back so early?”

“Oh…Yes, I suppose…”

Kaien had been moving about the kitchen, collecting cups for the tea, and a bowl for Yuki’s stew, but now, as he caught the hesitation in Yuki’s voice, he turned to face her, giving her a questioning look.

“Kaname and I had a… disagreement,” Yuki confessed quietly.

“Oh dear, Yuki, what happened?”

Yuki had realised that the question was likely to come up, but she still didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to talk about it at all, really, but somehow it didn’t seem right not to tell Kaien that she had come here against Kaname’s wishes.

“Kaname didn’t want me to come back here again. He was going to forbid it. We argued and… I don’t want to go back there anymore… I’m sorry; I don’t feel like going into too many details. I hope this won’t inconvenience you.”

“Yuki, of course it’s no inconvenience to me. You know, it may have only been a handful of months since you came to stay here, but I already feel as though you’ve become something like a daughter to me in that time. And, as I’ve told you many times before, you’re welcome here for as long as you’d like to stay.” Kaien sighed then. “Though I hope you’ll be able to make amends with Kaname in the future.”

“I... hope so…” she replied uncertainly, “But right now I don’t know what will happen... Thank you, Headmaster. I’m so happy that you feel that way. I’ve really come to think of this place as my home.”

Kaien responded by looking at her with such warmth that she felt a little better about it already.

The moment passed with the whistle of the kettle telling them that the water had boiled. Kaien practically skipped over to it, telling Yuki about a new blend of tea he’d found that he was sure Yuki would love. She happily agreed to try it out and as he set the steaming mug down in front of her, Kaien added, “Of course you can feel free to call me father if you’d like!”

Yuki struggled to keep the uncomfortable look off her face as she answered, “Oh… that’s alright… thank you, but… I’d rather not.”

She then hid a smile behind her hand at the rather comical wobbling lip Kaien was now sporting. Really, the residents of Yuki’s new home were such an odd bunch, herself included. But somehow it worked and Yuki loved it.

With that thought, Yuki finally decided to voice the question that had been on her mind since she arrived, “Where is Zero?”

“Oh, I forgot to say, didn’t I? Kiryu went out on an assignment from the Hunter’s Association earlier with Yagari. I had expected them back by now, but… I’m sure they won’t be much longer.”

“Zero’s hunting again? That was fast. They must have thought he did a good job at the soirée last night.” Yuki was relieved actually; she’d worried that their secret meeting might cause trouble for him.

“Hmm, I suppose so. I haven’t had a chance to talk to him about it myself. But I’m happy that they’re easing him back into it by having Yagari go with him. He is in quite capable hands with his mentor.”

“I’m glad he’s not alone too. I hope they come back soon, though.”

“Yes, I imagine you’ve been missing him quite a bit,” said Kaien with a teasing glint in his eye that made Yuki blush. She ignored his comment. There was no way he knew what had happened between them last night and she planned to keep it that way.

Soon after, Kaien was sitting across the table from Yuki and they were both tucking into bowls of his hearty vegetable stew. Kaien’s use of herbs and spices was, as always, rather interesting but either it wasn’t bad, or Yuki was just too hungry to care. Kaien had been waiting for Zero and Yagari to return from their assignment before having any, but as he’d had no word on when they’d be back and Yuki couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten anything besides blood tablets, he’d decided to serve up early for the two of them. As it turned out, Yuki had barely finished hers when she heard the sound of the front door opening, signalling the return of the two hunters. Yuki, never one to miss an opportunity to be as awkward as possible, nearly fell off her chair. No one present was entirely sure how.

Zero was back. Her stomach seemed to be doing flips inside her as the panicked question of how she should act struck her. But then Yuki sniffed and frowned. The scent of blood was on the air. She sniffed again, but it wasn’t Zero’s blood and the scent wasn’t strong. Nothing serious, Yuki realised, relieved. A few seconds later, two reassuringly whole figures entered the kitchen.

Yuki’s stomach flipped all over again.

Zero’s eyes found hers instantly. He’d been looking a little confused as he entered, having sensed that Yuki was here from outside, and at first he looked surprised to find that he’d been right, she had indeed come back early. Then, after a heartbeat (or several, in Yuki’s case – could anyone else tell how that silly, over-zealous muscle had sped up its loud __thump, thump, thump__  since Zero had entered the room?) his features softened into a small smile. Zero’s smile was dwarfed by the one that broke out on Yuki’s face at the sight of it, but Yuki knew that that didn’t matter. Zero… God, she didn’t know how he did it, this boy who had made an art out of indifference had some way of expressing more tenderness in the most subtle of looks than her heart could even take. Yuki felt her knees buckle under the weight of it, but that was only because she hadn’t braced for impact. One second passed and then her heart regained its buoyancy - filled though it was to bursting.

She found it didn’t matter that she hadn’t known before how she would act when Zero arrived. Some unknown part of her that was apparently a lot more efficient than her brain was deciding for her. It had already picked her up from her seat and now it was taking her around the table and straight across the room to Zero.

She looked up at him for a moment. She was back. Zero was here. And that smile was for her. __For her!__ Yuki threw her arms around Zero’s middle. She didn’t care that there were others in the room with them. At this point she was hardly aware of it. She pressed her face into his chest and hugged him tight. And Zero, for whom public displays of affection were so far from the norm, took it all rather well, considering. His eyes widened slightly at her sudden embrace, but only a second passed and then his arms went gently around her. “Hey,” he murmured as he patted the top her head.

“Hey,” Yuki whispered softly back at him.

With her face against his chest, Yuki was oblivious to the reactions of the two other men in the room with them, but Zero unfortunately didn’t miss Yagari’s eye roll or (even worse) what might have been tears of happiness glimmering behind the glasses of that idiot headmaster.

Zero found, though, that as long as they kept their mouths shut, he didn’t care what they thought. He was just really happy to see Yuki again.

Yuki pulled away fairly quickly. The scent of blood in the room was getting to be a little bit too much for her, though she was doing her best to control her reaction to it. As a hunter, Yagari’s healing was accelerated beyond that of normal humans, but human he still was, and whatever wounds he’d received on the hunt had not yet closed up. It wasn’t that Zero had been unhurt but, as they’d come into the house before, Yagari’s blood had overwhelmed the evidence of Zero’s already healed injuries. Up close to him now, she could see the blood dried up around tears in his coat. It wasn’t much, but if it had been fresh then Yuki would have been in trouble. Thanks to her blood loss earlier, the scent of those stains, along with whatever had happened to Yagari, was making her feel rather uncomfortable.

Not wanting to alarm anyone, Yuki smiled as she took a few further steps back from Zero. Yagari, thankfully, had moved over to the other side of the kitchen.

“Wow, what happened to you two?” Yuki asked, keeping her tone light.

She noticed that Zero didn’t seem to be having trouble with the blood scent. He really had come a long way since he’d started drinking her blood. It may not be able to help him forever, but it was doing wonders in the short term.

He was looking at her now with a hint of concern. It was really starting to seem like Zero had a knack for noticing when Yuki wasn’t being quite truthful about something. She smiled wider at him, wanting to convey that it truly wasn’t anything to worry about. Then she turned to look at Yagari as he answered the question, “It was an ambush. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many hostile vampires in one place before.”

Yuki’s eyes grew huge. “And they only sent the two of you?”

“When we checked in with the association after to give our report they swore they’d had no idea there’d be so many. I don’t think Yagari was far off in calling it an ambush,” said Zero.

“You mean someone drew you out there on purpose?”

Zero shrugged.

“Wow. I’m so glad you’re okay.” Yuki had to push aside the urge to hug him again. Instead she slumped into one of the chairs at the kitchen table. “But I wonder who would do something like that.”

No one seemed to have an answer ready and, after a moment, Kaien said, “I think this is something we can discuss in more detail after dinner. You two boys must be hungry. Go wash up and your food will be here when you’re done.”

Yagari, who had been eyeing up the stew-pot waiting in the oven, turned to tell Kaien, “I’ll clean up later. I haven’t eaten a thing since breakfast.”

“No, no,” replied Kaien sternly. “You know where the bathroom is – go on, shoo!”  

Zero left without a word to do as instructed and Yagari followed after muttering something about the Headmaster being a __crazy old man__ and how it wasn’t like he had a change of clothes with him anyway. Once they’d gone, Kaien proved himself to be a lot more perceptive than Yuki had often given him credit for. He went to a drawer in the kitchen unit, took out a small box, and offered it to her. “Perhaps these will help.” Blood tablets. Yuki jumped to her feet and gratefully took the box from him. Kaien smiled. “I like to keep them handy. In case of an emergency.”

“Thank you, Headmaster.”

As she went to grab a glass from the cupboard, Kaien asked, “When you’re done with that, would you mind setting the table in the dining room? I’m assuming you want seconds too?”

Yuki nodded eagerly as she filled her glass with water to take with the tablets. “And yes, I can do that.”

“Thank you,” Kaien smiled. “Now I’ll just see if I can find something a bit cleaner for Yagari to wear to dinner. I think I may have just the thing…”

Once Kaien had left the room, Yuki turned back to her glass. She opened the box and shook a good number of tablets out into the water. She waited a few seconds while the liquid turned red and then downed the mixture as quickly as she could manage. It wasn’t much, Yuki thought, but it was certainly an improvement. Yuki tucked the box into her pocket in case it was needed later. Then she set about grabbing bowls and cutlery to take through to the other room.

She was just about done setting the table when she heard footsteps. She looked up and saw Zero coming into the room. Yuki blinked and wondered if she’d been especially slow getting the table ready because somehow Zero had managed to shower and change his clothes already. On school nights Zero had a tendency to slob around until bedtime in his school shirt and trousers instead of getting changed, so it was always cute (to Yuki anyway) to see him in casual wear. Tonight he was extremely casual in joggers and a long sleeved t-shirt.

Zero was watching Yuki from just inside the doorway. She gripped one of the serving spoons she had just been about to set down on the table – a task that had quickly been forgotten – and now she was fidgeting, turning the handle around in her fingers, as she stared across the room into Zero’s gentle gaze. All storm clouds had cleared for this moment. Yuki could see a calm sea, reflecting pale twilight purple.

The silence between them now that they had a moment alone was filled with something, but Yuki could not put her finger on what it was. There was so much to be said. But where to start?

“Hey,” Yuki breathed. She smiled apologetically at her lack of creativity in repeating the simple greeting he’d given her earlier.

“You’re back early,” Zero said. He was making his way slowly across the room to her. Yuki wondered where all his calm had come from. Her own heart seemed to thump louder and more quickly with every step he took towards her.

“Yeah,” she replied. Yuki thought about brushing off the implied question, because thinking about her reasons for leaving her childhood home would only make her sad. She had an extremely good reason not to feel that way standing in front of her right now. But as she considered it, she realised that he would know. He always knew when she was pretending. And it would make him worry when there was nothing that he needed to worry about – because, right now, Yuki was where she should be. So she told him the truth, “Kaname didn’t want me to come here anymore. I told him everything… and he was really mad. He told me that I had to stay with him.”

Zero had come to stop in front of Yuki now. A frown had found its way onto his fine, pale features. His eyes were on the spoon that Yuki was still turning over in her fingers, and gently he reached out and took it from her, stopping her nervous fiddling. “But you’re here now.” He set the spoon down on the table. Then he looked up at her again, his lilac gaze beautiful and serious. “You came back.”

Yuki didn’t let her gaze waver for a second as she looked back at him. “Of course I did.”  Y _ _ou’re the one I want to stay with.__ She didn’t need to say it out loud. It was in the way she looked at him.

She was looking so intently up at him, that it was a surprise to feel when his fingers grazed against hers, so soft at first – and then she felt his cool hand enclose hers.

“I’m glad,” he told her.

The smile that split across her face was near blinding in its radiance, but Zero wanted nothing more than to bathe in its light. It wasn’t just his fingers warming in hers; the warmth was spreading all the way through him. He felt it in his heart, in the way it shuddered back to life when she was near. He’d gone for years avoiding the sun and now that steady beat in his chest was sounding out how he wanted this. How he knew he would spend every remaining minute he had basking in this warmth if she would let him. He didn’t even feel scared any more. Or, if he did, and it was just Yuki’s light chasing away those shadows, if they were bound to return once he stepped out from under it… it didn’t matter. Zero wanted this.

Zero raised the hand that wasn’t still clasped in Yuki’s to press against the side of her face. His thumb traced softly over her skin as he looked into her eyes. Yuki moved with him, her face tilting up when he leaned in towards her. The kiss was softer than the last, but it was not quite the same tentative whisper as the first. They were each stuck by the feeling that they’d never get used to the gentle warmth of the other’s lips. Yuki trembled at it. She reached up and clutched tight at the fabric of Zero’s t-shirt.

She realised that she had never let herself truly believe it could be real. In their last stolen moment together there just hadn’t been time to let it sink in before it had been snatched so horribly away from her. And now she was holding Zero closer than she’d ever allowed herself to dream she would. Now his touch, the sound of each breath he drew into his lungs, and that of his heart pumping life through his body, the honey sweet scent of it – all of it threatened to overwhelm her in the most beautiful way.

Yuki would happily have let herself be swept away by it all, but she was dragged back to the reality of other people by the sound of Kaien and Yagari returning. She had to stop herself from protesting as Zero straightened up. She stared into his eyes and her breath caught in wonder at the happiness she saw there. But the moment was quite cruelly ruined by the sound of Kaien’s loud chatter outside the room.

“Really, Yagari, you look just wonderful. I don’t know why you’re so upset. And after all the hard work I put in during mine and Yuki’s Thursday Night Knit Club.”

The words barely had time to register before Yagari’s disdainful reply sounded through from the hall. “I’m going to save myself from asking why you spend your Thursday nights knitting because frankly I don’t want to know the answer. But why did you make this for me? It’s creepy that it fits so well. How did you even know the right size?”

“It was meant to be for your birthday.” Yuki could hear the pout in Kaien’s voice. “Yagari you’re being no fun at all tonight.”  

Yuki felt a memory resurfacing from the back of her mind. She knew what Kaien had made during their __knit club,__  but there was no way he could have convinced Yagari to actually wear it – was there?

She wasn’t left to wonder for long. A moment later Kaien appeared with a very annoyed looking Yagari in tow. The latter was indeed sporting the baby blue knit jumper with the image of a bear on the front that she had watched Kaien work so hard on over the course of several weeks. She remembered him debating over whether to choose the pattern with the bunny or the cat, and had decided in the end that the bear would suit Yagari best. Yuki didn’t think so. The bear was just as cute as the other two options – definitely more teddy than grizzly. He hadn’t wanted to listen to Yuki’s suggestion that something plain might be a better choice. Kaien had no interest in making anything plain or in dark colours.

She was very careful not to laugh. With the look on the hunter’s face right now, she didn’t trust him not to get violent if provoked. A quick glance up at Zero told her he was nearly as horrified by Kaien’s gift as his teacher was. For a moment, no one said a word. Then Kaien laughed loudly, “Oh look at that! I forgot to bring in the stew. I’ll be back in just a moment.”

Yagari stomped over to the dining table, pulled out a chair and sat down heavily. He grumbled, “This had better be the best damn stew I ever tasted. There’s a microwave meal back in the teachers’ building that could have saved me a lot of humiliation if I’d only had the sense to go back to it.”

“We all make mistakes sometimes,” Zero replied drily as he took the seat across from Yagari. Yuki stifled a smile and sat beside him. She looked studiously down at her place setting, not trusting herself to hide her amusement if she looked anywhere else. When Kaien returned with the food, he seemed oblivious to any tension in the room and proceeded to chatter animatedly about his inspirations behind his latest culinary ‘ _ _masterpiece’__.

She mostly spent the meal trying not to become too distracted by Zero’s presence next to her. She was enjoying the easy feeling of being with him, doing something as normal as sharing a meal. She’d thought it might be awkward with Yagari present, but though she could sense some lingering mistrust from him, it seemed that he’d decided he could at least trust Zero’s judgement on the matter. The feeling of normalcy was an enormous relief after the week she’d had. She was determined to enjoy it. She was also excited for the moment when she’d get to be alone with Zero again. That was the most distracting thing. She found herself watching things like the movement of his hands out of the corner of her eye. She tried not to be obvious as she stole glances at him because she didn’t trust Kaien not to embarrass her if he noticed.

But, even through all of this, there was something tugging away at the back of her mind; a thought that she finally voiced once dinner was finished, “There must have been someone behind that attack on the two of you today. If they were all Level Es then someone must be turning them. It must be a pureblood.”

“I don’t think that they __were__  all Level E,” Zero replied. “It’s possible that they used to be human – probable, even – but it takes time to fall to that kind of state. To plan an attack like that using Level E vampires would take too long.”

Yagari was in agreement. “From what we saw earlier, I’d say someone was controlling them.”

This only confirmed Yuki’s worries. “Only purebloods have that kind of power.”

Kaien seemed more shocked by this than she was. “Who would orchestrate such an attack?” he wondered.

Yuki didn’t know, she shivered, remembering the ominous presence of her uncle that she’d felt from her hiding place the night he’d murdered her mother and father. Once there would have been a time she’d have shared Kaien’s reaction, but now it didn’t surprise her. Knowing what her uncle had done, even the things Kaname had done… no, it didn’t surprise her at all that there were vampires capable of things like this.

When she looked at Zero, she saw he was frowning deeply. He was a lot more worried about this than he had originally let on. They had all slipped into silent thought at Kaien’s question, but now Zero was the first to speak up. “I have an idea of who it could be…” he said in a low voice. “Yuki, last night, when that girl showed up suddenly – you said you sensed something off about her too.”

“Maria Kurenai, you mean?” Yuki was baffled. The incident had been strange, but she didn’t see what it had to do with what they were discussing. “There __was__ something… but I’m still not sure exactly what it was that bothered me about her.”

Zero lowered his gaze to the table top as he continued and Yuki saw the way his body tensed as he spoke. It made her think back to the awful way his face had looked when that girl entered the room last night. “When I saw her… I got the same kind of feeling that I have in my nightmares. It was the same feeling I have whenever I remember that woman.”

Yuki didn’t have to ask who he was referring to. He always said the words in the same way, with that mixture of hatred, fear and pain that made her heart ache so badly for him. But what he was telling her didn’t make a lot of sense. “I don’t understand,” she said softly. “If that was her then… wouldn’t you have recognised her?”

Zero shook his head. “She didn’t look the same. It just felt like her, that’s all.”

“What do you think it means?” Yuki asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“It was her,” Zero said firmly. “I don’t know if it’s actually possible, but that’s what I felt. Somehow I’m certain of it.”

“Do _ _you__  think it’s possible?” Yagari asked her. Yuki only noticed now that he didn’t seem at all surprised by Zero’s revelation. They must have already talked about this earlier.

“I don’t know,” she answered. She tried to think back on anything she knew that might explain what Zero had sensed. She remembered what Kaname had said earlier about reverting back to a baby when his body wasn’t strong enough to maintain his adult form. “Did she look younger?”

“It wasn’t just that. She looked like a completely different person.”

So it wasn’t the same power Kaname had used. But the fact that Kaname had been able to alter his form so drastically just showed the extent of what purebloods could do. “I don’t think it’s impossible. I don’t know how, but it could have been her.”

It made Yuki feel ill to think that the woman who had so horribly twisted Zero’s life and dragged him into darkness had been standing right in front of her and she hadn’t even realised it. And Zero… what had he been going through since last night? He was holding it together so well that she would never have guessed that something was wrong. She couldn’t believe how strong he was being.

She stared up at him until he reached out a hand and placed it over her head, ruffling her hair a little. “Don’t look so worried,” he told her.

“Hey!” she said, “You’re not the one who should be comforting me right now!”

Zero sighed, “It’s fine. Right now, I just want to figure this out.”

Yuki didn’t see how he could be fine. But she considered his words. Maybe it was the only way he could deal with this without letting it consume him. She’d seen that happen before, and Zero had come so far since then. Of course he would do whatever he could now to keep it together and think rationally. Slowly, Yuki nodded, “Right… So, you think she was the one behind what happened today?”

“Well, I don’t think it’s a coincidence,” said Yagari.

“Me neither,” Zero agreed. “When we reported back to the Association, they told us that this wasn’t the first time there had been trouble in that area. There had been Level E attacks before. And reports of people going missing. The Association sent hunters out to deal with it, but none of the reports that came back were anything out of the ordinary. Until today.”

“She was targeting you specifically…” Yuki looked up at the faces of each of the men sitting around the table with her. Yagari was frowning, deep in thought. She imagined he was trying to work out a course of action based on what they’d put together. Kaien was looking uncharacteristically worried. Perhaps the only time she’d seen him looking worse was the morning Zero had gone missing in the woods. It was probably the reason he’d been so quiet too. If it really was Shizuka they were dealing with, then it was serious. Even Kaien had to agree with that.

Yuki turned to look at Zero… He was putting on a brave face, she could tell. There was no way this wasn’t affecting him a lot more than he was letting on. She didn’t think there was anything she could do about that now though. If Zero wanted to talk about it, then he would do it later, when they were alone. At least she had managed to come back to him. At least she could support him through this now if he needed her to.

“Why would she make a move like this?” Yuki asked. “She’s been in hiding for years so… why now?”

“Bitch is crazy,” muttered Yagari. “Does she need a reason?”

Yuki raised an eyebrow at his blunt way of putting it. “Maybe not… But as long as Zero didn’t know where she was, he wasn’t a threat to her. I don’t get why she’d start attacking him now.”

“I think she’s trying to torment me,” said Zero quietly. “At the soirée she only stuck around long enough for me to figure out who she was. And today, that was a lot of vampires, but they were all small fry. We weren’t even wounded that seriously. Whatever she’s up to, that wasn’t meant to be the end of it… The Association President thinks she’ll find me again at some point.”

The thought of it sent a wave of protective fury through Yuki. From what Zero was describing, it did sound like she was purposely trying to torment him. How dare she? Yuki couldn’t think of anyone less deserving of being singled out like that than Zero.

“Do you think she was planning this? That she always intended to come back for you?”

“It’s possible.”

“Kiryu,” Kaien spoke up suddenly. “Promise me you won’t go out looking for her.”

Zero turned to stare at the Headmaster. “You think I should just wait until she comes for me then?” The way he said it, it was clear Zero found the idea preposterous. The irritation in his tone scared Yuki – enough to drain her of the anger she’d been feeling on his behalf. But she shouldn’t have been surprised, should she? It was what he’d always said he would do.

“I agree that we can’t just do nothing,” said Yagari, “But we need to plan it all through first. I also think-” He broke off, pausing momentarily. “Well, maybe its something we should discuss another time.”

Yuki, distracted by her sudden worry, wasn’t paying close enough attention to pick up on the reasoning behind his change of direction. But Zero did. “If it’s Yuki you’re worrying about - there’s no need. We can trust her. I don’t intend to plan anything behind her back.”

Yuki looked up in surprise. She took in how Zero’s expression had hardened slightly as he stared straight at his master, then she looked to Yagari, seeing the doubtful way his eyes flickered to her.  “After everything she’s done to Zero, I consider Shizuka Hio to be my enemy,” she said, her voice quiet, but certain. “You don’t have to worry about me protecting her just because we’re both purebloods. Zero’s welfare is the most important thing in this matter… at least as far as I’m concerned.”

Yagari gave Yuki a measuring look but she didn’t have the energy to be offended by it. She’d stated her defence. He could take it or leave it. In the end he nodded, she could see his hesitance, but he was accepting her words. “That’s what I care about too.” He turned to look at Zero again. “Which is why it would be stupid to do anything that might get you in trouble with the Vampire Senate. I don’t like it much, but I think we should plan a way to detain her long enough to get what you need and then hand her over to the vampires.”

There was outrage on Zero’s face like Yuki had never seen before, at least not towards his master. Sounding utterly appalled, he asked Yagari, “How can you think of going along with something like that? You knew my parents. You were their friend! Are you seriously thinking that handing her back over to the vampires is a good enough punishment for what she did to them?”

Now Yagari looked just as angry as Zero. “Don’t underestimate my loyalty to them!” he snapped. “I want to see that woman dead as much as you do, but not if it’s at the cost of your life!”

Yuki couldn’t bring herself to speak up. She felt as though she should, but the words wouldn’t come. She barely even knew what to think. She knew that Zero wanted to kill Shizuka Hio. His desire for revenge had been the only thing to keep him fighting through his slow transformation. She knew what that revenge meant to him. All Yuki had to do was look at his face, to see that that desire had not changed for him. And in some dark corner of her heart, she wanted him to have it too. She hated Shizuka for what she’d done to him. Yuki wanted her to pay.

But still the look on Zero’s face filled her with dread. She knew what it meant for a hunter to take on a pureblood vampire alone. No matter how you looked at it, it was a suicide mission. Knowing the state Zero had been in when Yuki met him, she had no reason to believe that he’d meant it any other way. Yuki hadn’t thought about it for a long time. Zero had been getting better. The transformation in him was incredible, but did that mean anything in the face of this new information about Shizuka? Did Zero value his life now enough to put it before his desire for revenge?

The way Yuki saw it, Yagari was right. It wasn’t worth risking Zero’s life. Nothing was worth that. It made sense to assume that if he succeeded the Senate would retaliate. From the little Kaname had told her about the Vampire Senate, it was perfectly believable to her that the rules they put in place to keep vampire society from falling into chaos would not apply to purebloods. It might be possible for her to protect Zero from them, but she wasn’t certain of the extent of her influence. Wasn’t she just Kaname’s little sister to them? Perhaps if Kaname backed her, they’d listen. She wouldn’t want to ask him, but she could do it if it was for Zero. And surely Kaname owed her that much…

But what point was there in thinking that far ahead when she didn’t quite believe that Zero stood a chance against Shizuka? It was worse now that she knew what had happened to her parents. That had been two purebloods against one, and they’d still lost their lives. It showed that you could never know what kind of power other purebloods might possess. It terrified her to think of Zero going up against someone like that. She couldn’t lose him – even the thought of it was unbearable.

But all of Yuki’s thoughts seemed to be tormenting her right now. It didn’t seem right somehow, to think like that so soon after the talk she’d had with Kaname. If she tried to control Zero’s actions because of her fear, then how did that make her any better than Kaname? But, then again, what use was __that__  morality if Zero wound up dead? The thoughts were piling up to an extent that was nearly overwhelming. She could barely even hear what the others were saying now. She just sat there, silently, with her head bowed, staring at the fists she’d clenched in her lap in an effort to stop her hands from visibly shaking.

She stayed that way until she heard Zero say her name. “Yuki,” he said again and she raised her terrified eyes to meet his. There was something pained in them - and something apologetic, like he knew at least some of what she was thinking. “There’s something else I should tell you.”

“Wh-what is it?” her voice didn’t sound like it wanted to work properly.

“The Hunter’s Association president told me today that if I drink Shizuka Hio’s blood it’ll stop me from falling to Level E.”

The meaning of the words took a moment to fall into place in Yuki’s overloaded mind.

There was a way to save Zero from that terrible fate… but to do that, he had no choice but to face Shizuka.

“I should have known that,” Yuki said in a low voice. Because she couldn’t think of anything else to say. Because having to choose which she thought was better – Zero having to sustain himself on her blood until it was no longer enough and his thirst drove him insane; or Zero going after a cure and risking being killed in the process – was impossible. She couldn’t choose between those options. No one should have to make a choice like that. “Why didn’t I know something like that already?” On some level, Yuki knew that the panic inside her, making her say this, was completely misplaced, but she couldn’t seem to keep it from rising.

“Hey, it’s fine. That doesn’t matter now,” said Zero, not understanding.

“It does!” Yuki insisted. “Because I have the power to do that to someone. If I have a power like that then I should know how to fix it. It’s unacceptable that I should be so ignorant!” She was shaking. She couldn’t keep it concealed anymore.

“What are you saying?” Suddenly, Zero’s hand was on hers and he was crouched beside her, looking up into her eyes. He looked so confused. “You wouldn’t do that to someone. Why are you talking like this?”

The contact snapped her out of it. Yuki realised what she must sound like. “I’m sorry,” she said miserably to Zero. Then she looked up apologetically at the others in the room. Yagari’s face was unreadable, but Kaien looked really worried. She went on, “That sounded bad. This isn’t about me, I know that… I’m sorry. It’s just been a really… difficult day.”

Zero just stared up at her, wordlessly wondering what she wasn’t telling him. She could tell he didn’t want to ask in front of the others and she was grateful for that.

Kaien spoke up then, “I think all three of you must be wiped out after everything that’s happened today. Perhaps we should call it a night and come back to this discussion another time. We could just go through to the living room now and have ice cream.” He added brightly to Yuki, “I got chocolate flavour!”

Yuki stared at him. _ _Chocolate is good, right,__  said some quiet part of her mind that was still somehow managing to function on a normal level after everything she’d heard today. Before she could manage a verbal response, Yagari answered with, “If we’re done then I’m going to head out.” He shook his head then, adding, “I really can’t believe I just had that discussion wearing this ridiculous jumper.”

Yuki blinked up at the hunter for a moment and then registered the large smiling bear face plastered across his chest. And somehow that was enough to break through the strange stunned sort of feeling left over from her panic. She completely forgot herself and laughed. It must have been some kind of hysteria. After everything, she’d finally cracked because of a stupid knitted image of a bear.

Zero rolled his eyes as he got to his feet, but he kept a hand on Yuki’s shoulder. Yuki tried to stifle the giggles by covering her mouth with her hand but Yagari looked completely unimpressed. “That’s it. I’m out of here,” he grouched as he rose from his chair. He looked for a moment as though he was about to reach for the usual pocket where he kept his cigarettes then looked even more annoyed as he remembered that they were in the coat Kaien had confiscated from him earlier. He took a step towards the door and then stopped and looked back at Kaien. “You should turn in too, old man. Probably need your beauty sleep or something.”

“Who, me?” said Kaien, clueless.

“Yeah, __you__! Who else would I be saying that to?”

Kaien just continued to stare at him in puzzlement as Yagari gave him a significant look. Yuki couldn’t say she understood what he meant by it either. With a frustrated sigh, Yagari grabbed Kaien by his shawl and dragged him from the room. As they left, Yuki could hear him grumbling, “Would you get a clue? You think those two want you hanging around, serving them ice cream right now? Just leave them alone and get to bed, would you?”

With that, Yuki and Zero were abruptly left to their own devices.

Yuki realised that they had also been left with all of the tidying up from dinner to do as well, so she got up from her seat saying, “We should probably clean this up…”

“After…” said Zero from behind her. Then he grabbed her hand, turned her to face him and pulled her into a hug. He didn’t say anything else, just buried his face in her hair as he held her. She reached her arms up around him and clutched tight fistfuls of his shirt. She didn’t talk either. In fact she felt grateful for a moment when she didn’t have to talk. Instead she listened to his heart, felt the warmth of him close to her and allowed herself to feel comforted by it.

They had to figure this out, she thought, and then she quickly stifled the feeling. __After__ _ _..__. They would get to it. But for now there was this. She held Zero tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry if anyone’s disappointed that I skipped over Zero and Yagari’s assignment… -_- Please don’t make me write action scenes, I just want to do cute and fluffy zeki reunions. Followed by… more angst… of course. I don’t know what my problem is. I can’t stop.  
> The chapter before last Yagari mentioned that Zero was missing school to go to the Association Headquarters. But then I remembered that it’s supposed to be a Sunday so, no, he wouldn’t have been in school anyway. I’ve fixed that now. I’m not sure if there are other inconsistencies like that in this story. I’ve already fixed a few. It comes from me generally not writing stuff in the right order. If you’ve noticed anything then feel free to let me know and I’ll go back and change anything that needs to be changed.  
> Thank you for reading and sending lovely messages and being supportive. I appreciate it so much! Thank you! Thank you! Please continue to tell me your thoughts because I always love reading them. See you next chapter!  
> (chapter title from I Will by Mitski)


	42. Maybe I'm just tired of walking alone

Zero brought Yuki the ice cream Kaien had mentioned earlier; a big bowl of it, and a spoon. She hadn’t said anything about it while they’d been tidying, but she’d looked as though she could use something to cheer her up. They actually hadn’t talked about anything important as they’d cleared away the plates and leftovers from dinner. It seemed they both felt as though they needed the interval from the serious conversation that was bound to resume between the two of them at some point tonight.

But for now, Zero stood in front of Yuki, holding out the ice cream and the spoon and she was looking back at him like she might cry. With a pout, she took his offerings and asked him, “Why are you the one looking after me right now?”

Zero sat down next to her on the living room sofa. “You don’t want me to?”

Yuki didn’t look at him as she answered, “I like it… but it shouldn’t be this way around.”

Yuki worried too much. Zero thought about saying so, but he figured she was probably already aware of the fact, so instead he simply put an arm around her shoulders and gently pulled her close enough to kiss the top of her head. She turned to look at him and her expression was adorable; sort of surprised and happy with his easy intimacy. But she was still conflicted with her worry about him. And whatever else it was that she hadn’t told him. Something to do with her brother, he suspected.

“You should eat that,” he told her. “It’ll melt.”

Zero dropped the arm from around her shoulders and Yuki looked down at the bowl in her hands for a moment before she began to eat. Zero had never been big on desserts so he hadn’t bothered getting any for himself. While Yuki ate, he just leaned back, letting his head rest against the plump cushions of the sofa behind him. He closed his eyes, listening to the clink of Yuki’s spoon against her bowl, then to the reassuring sound of her heartbeat on top of that. He’d missed that sound. It was pretty stupid, he guessed, but he’d been surprised by how quiet things had been last week without Yuki around. It felt like a long time since he’d spent so much time alone. He certainly hadn’t been going to spend any more time than usual with Kaien while Yuki was away, and he’d talked to Yori sometimes during prefect duty, but other than that he’d kept to himself all week.

After being separated from Ichiru, Zero had had years to get used to the feeling of loneliness - to numb himself to it - but these days he was out of practice with dealing with his emotions by simply denying them. He hadn’t wallowed, because he’d had plenty of better things to do with his time (and besides, Yuki was returning soon enough) but during those late nights, when he couldn’t sleep and Yuki would have usually been the one to keep him company - he’d missed her then. Night times were lonely without her.    

Now, she didn’t even have to speak. Just being able to feel her beside him was such a relief. The sound of that other heartbeat beside his own was more of a comfort than he’d ever properly recognised before. It must have showed because when he opened his eyes to take in the sight of her, after hearing her put down her bowl, she was looking at him with a small, confused frown. She asked him, “How are you so calm about all this?”

__All this__ meant Shizuka. And the answer to Yuki’s question was that he’d been trying not to think about it. Just for a short while, now that he and Yuki were alone together. There was no immediate threat, so he just wanted to take this moment to enjoy the feeling of having her back by his side, and not think about anything else. But he knew as well as she did that it was very unlike him, and the peaceful illusion, the pretence that nothing was wrong, was easily shattered.

“I don’t know that I am,” he answered. He’d tried to be that way, since last night. Staying calm was exactly what he needed to do if he wanted to come up with a plan and somehow get through this alive. But the truth was he didn’t know what he was feeling since he’d seen that girl last night. She’d disappeared from the soirée, leaving Zero with a strange mixture of emotions, both rage and dread among them. Whatever was left over when the worst of that faded, Zero had channelled into his attempt to put together what was going on. He’d barely stopped long enough to think beyond that. And when he’d returned home, and Yuki had been there, all thought besides how relieved he was to see her had flown from his mind - even if only for a little while. “When I saw you earlier - and when we were alone together after that - for that moment, I think I actually forgot it all. I was so happy to see you. That’s why you don’t have to worry about stupid things like me bringing you ice cream because you’re upset. It’s nothing compared to what you do for me just by being here.”

Yuki looked stunned by his words. The surprise slowly faded and she said, “I felt like that too, actually. Like all the bad that had happened didn’t exist anymore.” The smile she gave him was a little bit sad. “I wish we could have held onto that for a while longer.”

Zero thought he understood a little better now. Yuki hadn’t known about Shizuka’s involvement at that point, so it was clear the __bad__  she spoke of was something else entirely. And the reason she felt guilty was because her usual way was to push all of her own worries aside and focus on Zero. She was struggling to do that tonight. Perhaps their roles had been reversed in that sense.

“Do you want to talk about what happened when you spoke to your brother?”

Yuki gave him a wry smile, though her eyes were still sad and tired. “I was going to ask you to talk,” she said, “But I guess you beat me to it.”

“It’s fine if you don’t want to.”

Yuki didn’t answer right away, and the look on her face pained Zero. He was about to tell her to forget it. That she didn’t have to say a word if it was too hard, but just as he opened his mouth to do so, she spoke, “I found out how my parents died today. Or rather, the details I didn’t already know. The reason for it.”

Zero stared. This was so far beyond what he’d expected. And yet, it made sense now, why she’d looked so sad. She’d said before that her day had been __difficult__. The word didn’t even begin to cover it.

“Kaname told me that my Uncle Rido had been in love with my mother. He said that she was Rido’s obsession… The best I can gather is that the night he murdered both of my parents, his thoughts were something like, __if I can’t have her, then no one can.__ That’s it. That’s why they died. It was really that selfish and pointless.”

There were tears in Yuki’s eyes so Zero put an arm around her and she leaned into him. He held her just tightly enough for comfort, giving her enough room to continue. “I don’t know if that was the worst part of it, or if it was Kaname…” she took a long, shuddering breath, “Zero, while he was telling me, the look on his face was something like - like he understood what Rido was feeling.”

This didn’t surprise Zero quite as much as it had clearly shocked and sickened Yuki. He remembered how Kuran had been the night he’d visited Cross Academy; that darkly possessive look on his face when he’d stood behind Yuki in the doorway, the way he’d threatened Zero later in the night. Zero had already gathered from that what kind of man Yuki’s brother was. He wondered if he should have said something to her about it. But it just hadn’t seemed right to do so.

“I don’t think it’s something he’s proud of,” Yuki continued. “I think he maybe even hates himself for it. But, as much as I tried to convince him that he doesn’t have to be that way, I don’t think he believes in his ability to control it.”  

Yuki didn’t have to say it; if obsessive love was something Kuran understood then it was obvious that the recipient of his feelings was Yuki. “Are you scared that he’ll come after you?” Zero asked.

“I don’t know… In the end he let me go. So I think he’s trying. I guess I am still a bit frightened, if I think about it. But despite that, I still want to believe in him.” Yuki pressed a hand to her brow. “I don’t even know what I’m thinking anymore,” she muttered. She dropped the hand to her side and straightened up to look at Zero. The arm he’d placed around her slid away as she did so and he watched her serious tear-stained face. “He threatened you, Zero. I shouldn’t let that slide.”

“What did he say?” Zero asked, frowning.

“It was last night. When I came back to the soirée after meeting you, he’d realised what we’d done. He didn’t talk to me about it until later, but he told me that he’d wanted to hurt you. It wasn’t a direct threat but... It was enough for me to get the message.”

Zero saw how Yuki’s body had tensed as she spoke, small fists formed at her sides, white bone showing through the skin of her knuckles. He understood that feeling. He was fighting back something similar just listening to the ways Kuran had made Yuki hurt while she’d been away.  

“You don’t even seem surprised,” Yuki said. “Was it just me who didn’t see this in him? No. It wasn’t even __that__  - I just didn’t want to believe it.”

“It was the impression I got from him last time he was here. But I can imagine it was a side of himself he didn’t want to show to you. Before last night, at least.”

“Did he say something to you?” Yuki was wearing a bewildered frown.

Zero hadn’t wanted to tell her, but he wasn’t going to lie to her about it. “He told me what he’d do to me if I ever hurt you.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Zero shrugged. “Because he’s your brother. Looking back now, maybe I was wrong, but at the time it didn’t seem right for me to try to influence your opinion of him. I didn’t think it was my place.”

Yuki let out a breath, long and slow. “I’m so sorry, Zero… I spent so long trying to convince you that vampires are no different from anyone else, but look at what I’ve dragged you into. Look at the awful things my own family are capable of…”

Yuki had bowed her head once more and pressed her face into her hands. Zero reached out and let his fingers brush the hair that had fallen over her face. He let them trail down to the part of her cheek that was still exposed. “You did convince me,” he said. “I believe in you. Whatever your family might have done isn’t going to change that.”

Yuki dropped her hands from her face and looked up at him through teary eyes. “Kaname talked like it was unavoidable. He thinks we all have the potential to be like that - to fall to the point where we’re controlled by our most terrible desires. I don’t want to believe it, but I’m still afraid. I don’t ever want to be like that.”

Zero leaned in so that his forehead was resting against hers. “I know. I don’t either.”

He sensed Yuki’s surprise at him bringing up his own fear of losing control. Then he felt her relax a little. “I don’t believe you could ever be like that.”

“Funny,” Zero replied. “That’s what I think about you.”

Yuki smiled. Then she sighed and dropped her head down to rest against his shoulder. “I know that worrying about it is pointless. I already thought all this through before. I even gave Kaname this whole speech about all the reasons I thought he was wrong. I don’t know why I doubt myself. I guess I just… my head’s all confused right now.”

Zero stroked her hair as he murmured, “After everything you’ve told me, I think that’s understandable.”

Yuki sat up. “I haven’t even told you the best part,” she said quietly, though she didn’t look as though she thought it was the best part of anything. “The biggest secret of them all… the one at the root of everything he kept from me for all those years.” She paused just long enough for Zero to give her an questioning look. Then she told him, “Kaname isn’t my brother. He never really was.”

Now that revelation surprised Zero. He’d had no reason to see that coming. He also knew how badly it must have affected her to find that out. Even he was having trouble digesting it. “Yeah…” Yuki said, like she knew what he was thinking. Then she told him the story of Kaname the pureblood progenitor, awakened from his coffin by Rido Kuran. About the real brother she’d never been given the chance to meet. How it was Kuran’s power as an ancient vampire that allowed him to save Yuki the night her family was attacked, which led onto how that monster, Rido, was regenerating now and waiting to regain the strength to return for Yuki and begin his disgusting obsession anew.

“Are you worried about it - that he’ll find you some day?” Zero asked when she’d told him the whole story.

“I don’t know. I am a little, I guess. But honestly it doesn’t feel real to me. I’d always assumed that Rido was dead - or safely imprisoned somewhere.”

Zero understood. Just thinking of everything that man had taken from Yuki already, and how he still wasn’t done with her, made him furious. But he’d never even seen Rido Kuran. It was like directing his anger at a completely abstract concept.

But to Yuki he said, “The entire time I’ve known you, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you worry for yourself as much as you worry for other people.”

“I’ve never really had much reason to worry about myself before now. At least not in a life or death capacity.”

“Yeah… that makes sense.” Not only was Yuki one of the most powerful kind of vampires in existence, but Kuran had gone as far as locking her up to keep her out of danger. Of course the concept would be unfamiliar to her.

“I worry about losing people… about how much that would hurt.”

Zero took in the serious look on her face and knew what she meant by that. “You aren’t going to lose me,” he whispered.

“You… you weren’t giving me much of a reason to feel confident about that earlier.”

Zero returned Yuki’s gaze with equal seriousness. He thought about the irritation he’d felt at Kaien telling him not to go after Shizuka, the rage at Yagari’s suggestion that they leave her alive so as not to incur the wrath of the Vampire Senate. He thought of how unfair he’d been in his timing when he told her about Shizuka’s blood. He hadn’t realised it at the time, but it had been thoughtless of him. Before that point she’d thought it was about nothing more than revenge. He knew logically that his revenge could be forgotten about, put aside in light of a greater cause. But in telling her of the possibility of a cure, he knew she had heard that he had no choice but to go after that woman. And Yuki had become all the more afraid for him. He wondered if to her it had just sounded like an excuse. A reason for her to agree to it when all he really wanted was vengeance. He got it now. After so recently hearing the story of her pureblood parent’s deaths, of course she would fear for him that much more. Zero hated how carelessly he’d told her about it.   

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Zero,” Yuki whispered, “What are you going to do now?”

Zero wished there was something he could say that would take away the scared look on her face. She hadn’t asked him not to go after Shizuka - but she wanted to. And yet, he knew she wanted the cure in that woman’s blood for him more than he even wanted it for himself. He didn’t feel like he had a choice. Of course he would have told himself he didn’t have a choice anyway, especially if this had happened months before. Revenge had always been the most important thing to him. But now… well, it didn’t matter. Even if he did change his mind about that, and if he somehow managed to evade that woman completely, how long would he even have with Yuki before losing himself to his thirst? They’d already talked about it; how he didn’t believe they could last.

And now he’d given in to that longing he’d begun to feel every day she was near. That need to always be closer to her. He’d been denying that feeling for this very reason. It wasn’t that he regretted finally acting on it; there was no way he could regret that kiss. It had felt right. It didn’t even feel like all that much had changed. It had already become so obvious how much they meant to one another. The only difference was that they weren’t holding back anymore. But it made going after Shizuka feel all the more necessary. He didn’t want this to be taken away from them by him falling to Level E. If there was a chance for him to stabilize then he had to take it. For Yuki - and for the only chance at happiness he’d managed to glimpse in over four years.

But Yuki was still looking at him like she was afraid something terrible was about to happen. “You’re going to try to find her, aren’t you?”

Slowly, Zero nodded. Yuki’s expression didn’t change. She’d already known that would be his answer. “But I don’t know when…” he added quietly. “I keep thinking about how a few months ago, I wouldn’t have even hesitated in going after her. Even now, part of me is wondering what I’m doing waiting around when all of the evidence is pointing to her being nearby. I’ve been waiting for this for so long and now I don’t even have a plan.”

Yuki looked as though something in his words had reassured her, just a little. “I’m glad you aren’t being reckless about it… Earlier I - I was so scared that you were thinking of doing something that would get you hurt. Honestly, I’m still scared.”

“I know…” Zero felt terrible about it. He wished he could reassure her, but there was no way he could honestly tell her that she had nothing to fear. The best he could offer was, “I don’t intend to do anything stupid.”

“Zero… I know that it’s important to you that you avenge your family’s deaths. And especially now that we know this might be the only way to truly save you… I won’t stand in your way. But please promise me that when you go, you won’t do it alone. Let me go with you when you face her.”

“Yuki…” Zero wasn’t really surprised by the offer, but he couldn’t help the uncertainty he felt about it.

“Please don’t fight me on this. I realise that I know nothing about hunting vampires. I may be totally useless when it comes down to it… but I’m still a pureblood. With my help, maybe somehow you stand a better chance at overpowering her.” Yuki reached out and took his hand in hers, looking imploringly into his eyes, “Please Zero, I want to be the one to stand by your side in this.”

The look on her face conveyed the words she hadn’t spoken. She simply couldn’t stand the thought of being left behind, with no way of being certain that he would come back. Zero couldn’t argue. Of course the last thing he wanted to do was drag Yuki into danger with him. But her argument was sound. Her healing abilities were far greater than his own so, even with his hunter training, she’d be in less danger than him. And with their powers combined, and the help of Bloody Rose, they might even have the advantage against Shizuka.

Feeling more certain, Zero nodded and returned Yuki’s grip on his hand. “Thank you, Yuki,” he murmured. Then he pulled her back into his arms.

*

Yuki hugged him back, feeling immensely relieved that he’d accepted her offer. She realised that she was only surprised because she was so used to being the one left out. The one who was always expected to not be able to handle things. Kind, ignorant Yuki who was better off staying home, keeping out of trouble. But Zero saw her as an equal. He trusted and believed in her and that meant the world to Yuki. She never felt weak and useless when she was with him. And this was the first real spark of hope she’d felt since they’d begun this conversation. As long as he was with her, she would never let him be hurt. If that meant that she had to become stronger in order to protect him then that was exactly what she would do.  

“It’s really good to have you back again,” Zero said softly and it was so good to be back, to be held by him again that Yuki felt a little overwhelmed. To have spent that miserable week apart from him and now to be like this was such an incredible feeling that Yuki found she couldn’t speak. Instead she turned her head and pressed her face into the warmth of his neck. He smelled so good. Yuki inhaled the delicious scent without even thinking about it. It was only as the hunger struck her with a violent force that she realised how careless she’d been.

She gasped at the sudden fire in her throat and the second rush of air, so thick with his scent, with that taste which she knew only hinted at the way his blood might taste, made the feeling so much worse. Fighting against the desire to drink blood was always painful, but tonight it was worse than ever. Yuki was so close to Zero’s neck it made not just her fangs, but her whole upper jaw, __ache__ to bite down and release that tantalising substance running through his veins. The thought of it filled her head. She couldn’t think of a time she’d ever wanted anything so much.

With her eyes squeezed tightly shut, Yuki wrenched herself away from him. She stumbled back a little and then fell forwards, onto her knees where she slumped over, burying her face in her hands. It all happened so quickly that Zero didn’t have time to understand it. “Yuki?” he questioned in alarm. His voice was equal measures concern and confusion.

Yuki didn’t move, she just whispered, “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Zero.”

She was waiting for the pain to ease up, for the blood thirst to fade away just enough for her to show her face. Then maybe some more blood tablets would help with the rest. But the plan didn’t seem to be working. The scent of Zero was all around her still and, even holding her breath, she could still taste him. Yuki felt tears forming in her eyes, both from the burning feeling inside her and from the frustration at its refusal to abate. How could Yuki stay with Zero when she was in this state? It was so horribly unfair. They’d finally come this far, only for Yuki’s own body to betray her.

“Yuki…” she felt Zero move closer to her and wanted both to pull him to her and to beg him to move away.

Zero just climbed down from his place on the sofa to sit on the floor in front of Yuki and he moved no further than that. He stared helplessly at the girl in front of him. Her shoulders had begun to tremble slightly as she’d started to cry. Zero didn’t know what to do. His instinct to hold her and comfort her was screaming at him, but he was also starting to understand what the problem was and knew doing that would only make it worse. He could see the way one hand had moved from covering her face to clutch instead at her throat. He knew the gesture well enough to recognise the agony she was in. Even if he hadn’t, half her face was now visibly twisted in pain. There was no question of what she was feeling.

This wasn’t regular thirst. When Zero had been like this, it was because he’d been in the process of falling to Level E. This was what happened to vampires who couldn’t supplement their thirst for blood with tablets. It was supposed to happen to ex-humans, not purebloods. Zero couldn’t make sense of it. He knew that she was taking blood tablets. And blood thirst had never seemed to be a problem for her before.

Apart from that one time… one time she had slipped up in front of him. And he had run from her. The realisation of it chilled him.

Zero tried to summon back some calm as he looked at her. This was not something he could pretend was not an issue. He’d been content in recent weeks simply not to think about it, but he couldn’t do that anymore. He never should have done it in the first place. And now he had to face it, whether he was ready to, or not.

“Yuki, look at me.”

Yuki shook her head. What he could see of her expression was thoroughly miserable.

He’d done this, he realised. He’d been the one to make her think she had to hide herself like this. He hadn’t meant to make her feel this way. But it was clear in the way she cowered from him now, the way she screwed up her eyes, so determined for him not to see the change in them. It was his fault. And, whatever he’d been through in his past, there was no excuse for it.

“Yuki…”

“I don’t want you to see this…” Zero didn’t know how it was possible for Yuki to shrink even smaller than she already had. “It’s better if you don’t…”

“I’m so sorry… shit, I never meant for this - Yuki, you don’t have to __hide__  from me… please don’t ever think that.” Zero inched closer to her and reached out to tentatively touch underneath her chin with his fingertips. Carefully, he urged her head up from her hand. “I won’t freak out this time, I swear. Please just open your eyes…”

A few seconds passed and then Yuki did as he’d asked. Her irises, as they’d both known they would be, were coloured bright crimson. A few tears escaped from the corners of each eye and Zero knew what a fool he’d been to run from them all those weeks ago. Maybe things had been different then, when he’d been plagued by nightmares every night, when he’d seen this blood coloured gaze and been plunged back into them by an overtired mind that had seen too much and didn’t know how to deal with anything more. Maybe that was the case… But, still, he should have known better. Because this wasn’t the bloodthirsty gaze of a beast, as he’d thought back then. These eyes - so filled with sadness and longing as they looked back into his - were Yuki’s. And Yuki had already begun to mean more to him than he’d ever believed to be possible.

“I’m sorry,” she was whispering again.

“Don’t.” He wanted to pull her to him and hold her. To kiss her until she believed that his acceptance of her was no longer a question - until she knew it was absolute. But all he could do was speak to her in soothing whispers, “It’s me who needs to apologise. I shouldn’t have…”

But Yuki was shaking her head. Paying little heed to his assurances, she went on, trying to explain, “I took so many blood tablets already, but they aren’t working. I think it’s because Kaname… I let him drink from me earlier, but he wouldn’t stop when I asked him to. He took too much.”

Zero felt a stab of hot anger shatter right through whatever shred of calm was left in him. As if that man hadn’t done enough, he’d also - he’d __physically__  hurt her! After he’d dared to threaten Zero not to ever cause her pain. Was it that no one was allowed to do anything to harm Yuki apart from him? What kind of mind worked like that? “Why would he do that?” Zero’s question came out sounding more like a growl.

“I think because he was angry with me,” Yuki mumbled. She looked terribly uncomfortable just speaking of it.

Zero felt bad for letting his own anger get the better of him, but it didn’t stop him from muttering, “That sick bastard doesn’t deserve you.” At the unhappy look on Yuki’s face, Zero decided to try and let it go. It was difficult not to stay angry on Yuki’s behalf, but it was her fight. And one she had already fought. Zero was immeasurably proud of her for that. In a softer tone he added, “You shouldn’t ever feel bad for leaving him behind, Yuki. You did the right thing.”

Yuki didn’t answer. She’d known Zero would be on her side, and it felt good to hear his confirmation that she hadn’t made some terrible mistake. But it still didn’t feel natural to agree with such a negative view of Kaname… She was going to have to take some time to get her head around what she thought of him now.

Zero, sensing Yuki’s discomfort, was content to say no more on the subject. “Hey, your eyes are fading back to normal,” he pointed out, hoping to comfort her a little. He would have liked to reach out and wipe the tears from her cheeks, but he wasn’t sure how much the touch would bother her in her current state.

Yuki managed a weak smile, but the hand clutching at the pain in her throat stayed in place. The need in her was still quite fearsome. She reached for the box she’d stored in her pocket, muttering as she pulled it out, “I should take some more…”

She was fumbling to open the small pill box when she felt Zero’s hand stilling hers. Her eyes flickered up to meet his serious amethyst stare, “You said that they weren’t working.”

Yuki couldn’t hold his gaze. She didn’t know how to reply to that. “Today’s just an intense day, I guess.”

Zero’s fingers closed around hers. “Yuki…” there was a hesitance to his tone that made her look up again. “When we talked about this - about you taking my blood, you told me that you wouldn’t do it. But you were going to say something else. It wasn’t __unless you want me to,__  because you could have just said that. It was some other thing. Can you tell me about it now?”

Now Yuki’s cheeks were aflame, with an intensity that rivalled that of her parched throat. She’d hoped that Zero had forgotten about her little slip up all those weeks ago. But even back then he’d somehow realised the significance of it. But now wasn’t a good time for this. Zero couldn’t possibly want her to do __that__.    

“Zero…” Yuki was shaking her head as she spoke, “You don’t have to… I couldn’t possibly ask that of you. The timing is awful - you’ve been worrying about Shizuka all day. There’s no way I’d - you know I’m mortified just having you __see__  me-”

“But you’re not her,” Zero cut her off. “You said that yourself - when I was being an idiot and blaming you for things that weren’t your fault. I promised you that I wasn’t going to think of you that way anymore, and I _ _don’t__. So you don’t have to worry about any of the stupid shit I said back then. I don’t believe any of it. You must know how much I trust you by now.”

“But she - she bit you, Zero. And I know it was the worst day of your life. I don’t want to do anything to remind you of what that felt like.”   

Zero knew it made sense to consider the possibility that that might happen. That day had haunted him for years and even now he knew he wasn’t completely free from it. But it also seemed to him that his trust in Yuki had become larger than his fear. If she needed him, then it was a risk he could take. And with the way she was looking at him, with concern for his well-being outweighing that of her own once again, it didn’t feel like much of a risk at all. “You won’t,” he told her, and felt his confidence grow with the words. “There’s nothing you could do to me that would be anything like what happened that day. The things we do together are different. I’ve taken your blood enough times to know that… it always looks as though you enjoy it… don’t you?”

The way Yuki’s face turned pink all over again proved it. Even before she mumbled, “That’s because it’s you…”  

“Couldn’t it…” he paused, a little embarrassed himself, “Couldn’t it work the other way around?”

Yuki just stared up at him. She couldn’t believe he was asking this. She’d always just assumed there was no possible way he could be okay with her drinking from him. She didn’t know the answer to his question, but if he really meant what he was saying then… maybe… Drinking blood from someone could be such a beautifully intimate experience. If Zero was starting to understand that then perhaps she’d been wrong all this time. Perhaps they really could… Yuki could hardly breathe thinking about it.  

Zero was searching her face for an answer to his question and there was nothing in his gaze to suggest he didn’t mean every word he’d just said to her. “Yuki,” he said, when a long moment had passed and she still hadn’t answered him. “You deserve so much better than me just sitting back and watching while you suffer like this. If I can help then… I’m ready for that. I only asked what it was you wanted to say that day because I want to be sure I’m meeting your requirements.”

Yuki stared in wonder at the tender look on Zero’s face. The new side of him that she’d begun to see since the very conversation they were talking about - the day they’d made up after that awful fight - was doing things to her heart that she didn’t quite know how to handle. She found herself suddenly, thirst forgotten, leaning forwards and kissing him. The bold action surprised the both of them and Yuki pulled back quickly, not wanting to get carried away when she’d only just managed to calm down a little from earlier. She blushed again as she looked up at him, but there was a small smile forming on Zero’s lips now.

She wondered if she should tell him. Surely he knew already anyway. Surely, after everything, the truth was obvious.

She began, “I can tell you… But, Zero, I don’t want you to think that you’re under any obligation from me at all. I know it looked bad just then, but with enough blood tablets and some rest, I could probably recover on my own. I can wait for you for as long as you need. No matter how long it takes. Just as long as you’re with me, I don’t care.” With that out of the way, she paused and smiled up at him shyly. The eyes focused on hers were filled with kindness and patience and seeing it was making Yuki’s insides flutter. “When I said that, that day, I was thinking… I would only want to take your blood if I knew that… that you loved me too…”

Zero’s eyes widened slightly, and his mouth parted, but no words came right away. Yuki could see him trying to get his head around it. “You…”

Yuki smiled and gave a small nod. “I love you, Zero.”

He was looking at her in much the same way she’d just been looking at him, with amazement and wonder shining in his eyes.

“I thought it would be obvious,” she told him. “This feeling… I’m so full of it; you must have been able to taste it in my blood. It’s there in every drop, I’m sure.”

And something in the way he looked at her then told her that had. He just hadn’t been able to bring himself to believe it. And now he couldn’t even begin to say how much it meant to him.

“I’ve always been told,” Yuki went on, “That when a vampire falls in love, that person’s blood is the only thing that will satisfy the longing they feel. I don’t mean to scare you, because I’ve never expected anything from you, but I know… I’ve known for a long time that that’s why blood tablets don’t work properly for me. They help. They make it just about bearable, but that’s all… this feeling won’t go away.”

Yuki worried, when she’d finished speaking, that she’d said too much, or that it was selfish to tell him how she needed him. But she hadn’t meant it that way. To her it was just another way of telling him how much she loved him. How she knew she would always love him.

The look on Zero’s face as he took this in had become more serious, more intense. He waited for a long moment, because he wanted to be sure of himself, then he told her, quietly but firmly, “I’m not scared.” He held Yuki’s gaze, not so much as blinking as he leaned in close to her. “I’m done being scared of what I want.” Then he kissed her, soft and slow.

When he pulled back, just a little, his eyes found hers again. “Take my blood, Yuki.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m super sleepy so I’m not sure if my last minute edits to this chapter have done much good, but I wanted to post it now in case I don’t get a chance during the rest of the weekend. I want to thank you all again for reading. There are a couple people whose comments I haven’t got around to replying to personally yet. I was going to do it after posting this, but I feel like I’m about to nod off at any moment. I appreciate you so much though. Thank you and I’ll get back to you properly when I next get the chance! BTW it’s my birthday tomorrow and I’ve got a theory that getting some more lovely comments would make a really great present XD Let’s test it out aha!  
> (chapter title from What is Love by Lisa Mitchell)


	43. I want you more than I need you (and I need you so bad)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh! I’m so sorry about the wait! What was meant to be just a small break from writing got completely out of hand yet again. Please take a ridiculously long chapter in which not that much actually happens to make up for it… I’m sorry, I suck.

Yuki released the breath she had been holding slowly, feeling it shudder out of her. Was she trembling a little? Really? And was it due to anticipation, or disbelief?

She could taste Zero's kiss, still on her lips. She had had herself convinced that this taste, since she'd discovered it last night, was more than enough. That it could easily sustain her for as long as Zero stayed by her side. Tonight her body had done its best to prove to her that that wasn't the case. And she was still unsure of what to believe.

Now, Zero's pale lavender eyes were so close to hers and she was wondering if that was the very same kind of love she felt for him that she could see shining back at her from his eyes.

"Is… it really okay?"

Zero gave a gentle nod of his head. "I want you to."

And, looking into his eyes, she could see no reason not to believe that he meant it. Yuki's thirst surged in her. She'd been distracted again and somehow it was almost like she'd forgotten that she'd been holding onto it all this time. She didn't let it slip in the same way she had earlier. That had been an accident, and while it wasn't deliberate this time, the difference was… it wasn't a disaster now.

She could feel the potential it had to consume her, but it was somehow easier this way. She could manage it. Zero's scent had always been something forbidden to her. Something dangerous. She had never allowed herself to enjoy it - not properly. Not in the way her instincts begged her to in the moments she hadn't managed to bury them quickly enough. It seemed that that was where most of the problem lay. Not in the desire itself, but in her previous determination not to give in to it. Now, he wanted her to do exactly that. She wanted him - and now she had no reason to hesitate, other than the prevailing feeling that she wanted to do this __right.__

So she didn't rush. She had enough of her wits still about her to remember to be careful with Zero. She couldn't bear to hurt him, or even to cause him alarm. And somehow the vampire in her was untroubled by this. It was content with her resolve, and savouring the moment, knowing what it wanted would soon come.

"Is it okay to stay here, or do you think we should move?" she thought to ask him.

"I don't hear any movement…" Zero murmured. "I doubt we'll be disturbed this late, but we could move if you'd be more comfortable."

Yuki shook her head. "If you're okay then… Let's not wait any more… I… I've wanted you for so long," she murmured the words and was surprised by how they sounded, by that slightly breathy tone to her voice. Zero seemed surprised by it too. She saw the faint, yet tantalising rise in colour on his cheeks. It was enough to make her mouth water.

Her eyes flickered to his neck and she took a breath. For the most part - excluding the times she'd been caught off guard - Yuki had become used to the way that, when she was close to Zero, the scent of him would fill the air. She'd always had to ignore it in the past, but now she allowed herself to savour it. She could have this. She didn't need to wait - she could just…

What use was there in feeling shy, she thought then. They had come this far, hadn't they? With that in mind, she let her instincts guide her. And instinct was exactly what this was. Yuki was used to being the more experienced of the two of them, but this didn't feel like anything she'd done before. Last night had marked the beginning of a shift in their relationship. Zero had initiated that. And now he had accepted her confession there really wasn't any reason left to hold back. With that, she inched closer to him. Her eyes flickered up to meet his as she took his hand and got to her feet.

Zero followed Yuki up and she led him back to the couch, figuring it would be more comfortable for him this way. She perched beside him as he took a seat.

"Lean back," she murmured.

He did so, not taking his eyes off her as she positioned herself over him. Zero, below her, with his head back against the sofa cushions, was stunning. He seemed to have overcome his surprise at her increasing boldness and she was was impressed by how calm he seemed as he looked up at her now. She thought that if he could look like that, knowing what they were about to do, then she must be doing something right. She knew for certain that she was enjoying it. And, oh, that neck! With Zero's head back like this, Yuki needed only to lean in and she'd be able to taste him.

When she glanced back to Zero's face, she knew that the change had come over her irises. He didn't look upset - she couldn't figure out what that look in his eyes was then - but she couldn't help but tense a little. And Zero, clearly not wanting her to be discouraged, reached out, wove a hand into her hair, and guided her back to him, into another kiss. It dizzied her, effectively pushing those last clinging reservations from her mind.

In the end it happened so easily. She pressed her face to his neck the same way she'd done earlier, when the thirst had so suddenly struck her. When it came this time, she didn't fight it. This scent, now so close, was exquisite. It made her throat ache for a taste. So she let her tongue slip along the warm skin of his neck.

She'd wanted to take her time, to ease Zero into it so that he'd be as relaxed as possible when she went in for the bite. But she didn't know if she could hold on much longer. Everything was clouding besides the taste of him. It was all she could focus on, and she wanted more.

But Zero knew the thirst and he knew her and it was not difficult to sense how she was feeling. He murmured her name and then just two words, "It's fine."

She was very nearly lost. She held onto just enough of herself to remember to be as gentle as possible as she opened her mouth and let her fangs pierce his skin.

The blood hit her tongue and her mouth closed around the wound. She was careful not to spill even a drop. She couldn't waste something like this. The taste was unbelievable. She couldn't understand how something that was as normal to her as drinking blood could have become __this__. It was everything. That was what it felt like: everything she could possibly want. She swallowed the first mouthful and it was Zero's life-force flowing into her and finally soothing the ache she'd been living with for months. She almost couldn't believe she'd been willing to put this off - to live without it even. How could she ever have thought that?

There was the simple, most obvious part of it: the blood provided the nourishment her body needed, which she had been supplementing with blood tablets for far too long (it was only tasting the real thing that highlighted how insufficient they truly were). And then there was the part that was Zero. The part that fed the love she felt for him, that meant no one else would do. Zero was the only one who could fill that need in her.

He was nervous to start with. Though he'd done his best to relax and encourage her to take what she needed from him. In his blood, his feelings were laid bare. It was clear he'd made himself be brave for her sake. But that was fading now. The initial pain was wearing off and he was relaxing into it. His breathing slowed to match her pace, now as steady as each swallow she took from him. Yuki felt a rush of contented happiness at how well he was doing.

As the nervous feeling in him dispersed, a jumble of other feelings rose up. There was the relief at having her returned to him. The thrill that came with their new found intimacy. Fear and hope because he wanted what they had to work; and happy as he was to have her here beside him now, he couldn't quite forget the reasons it might not work out. It troubled her too, but she put that feeling aside for now. There was something in particular that she wanted to find before she took too much from him. It didn't take long to surface. The thing he'd left unspoken earlier. So new she didn't think it had really had the chance to form into words yet.

It was a love that existed quietly, but that didn't make it any less real. It didn't want to be shouted about and it had started out so small that it had become easily lost in anger or fear. But it tasted sweet to her now and, in this closeness they had begun to share, it was simple enough to find.

With that, Yuki was satisfied - like she'd never thought she would be. In those few short minutes her head had cleared in a way she hadn't experienced in months. She realised she'd forgotten what it felt like not to be thirsty.

She couldn't speak yet. She needed a moment to revel in it. There had to have been some part of her before that had been afraid she'd be disappointed by the experience. That this thing she'd desired for so long could never in reality live up to what she needed it to be, simply because it had become so huge to her. And what could ever hope to match that?

But it was better. Because it was real. This was no longer some fantasy that had to be pushed away before it ever became too large for her to contain on her own. She knew now what he felt. That he meant everything he had told her, or just hinted at, about how much she meant to him. It all added up: the taste of him, those words… and that last feeling she had tasted… It meant that he wanted this just as much as she did. And, yes, she'd suspected that, but knowing it, having any remaining doubt or worry swept away like this, only left her with more room for joy.

When the moment passed and Yuki felt able, she pulled back and looked Zero in the eyes. "Thank you," she told him, with a smile. Zero's expression was calm, but it felt important to ask him anyway, "Was that okay? I hope I didn't hurt you."

"You didn't. I'm fine."

"Thank goodness. I mean, I didn't think I had, but I got kind of swept up…"

"Yeah… I think kind of did too… towards the end."

That made Yuki's smile widen. "It can be good, can't it? If it's the right person."

Zero nodded slowly and then looked seriously at her. "Yuki, whenever you need my blood again, I'm fine with it. Don't hold back anymore."

Yuki felt a pleased blush warm her cheeks. "That's the same for you. Please, take whatever you need from me."

Almost unconsciously, she leaned forward, extending her neck for Zero to take his turn. And he was tempted. He couldn't help but inhale that pleasant aroma from the skin she'd offered him. "Thank you," he murmured, before placing a small kiss beneath her jawbone. "But not now. A lot happened today. I think I should let you have time to recover from that first."

The way she felt now, it was hard to believe that Zero's consideration for her was really necessary, but she felt grateful for it anyway. "Then tomorrow perhaps."

She heard him make a small noise of agreement as she slid down against him and returned her attention to the puncture wounds she'd left on his neck. Satisfied that they were healing, she buried her face into his shoulder and revelled in the way she could stay there now without the pain of having to hold back her desire to drink from him.

"It feels amazing," she murmured. "I've never been able to do this before, not without worrying that I might mess up."

For a while, Zero was quiet and Yuki continued just contentedly nuzzling him. Then he asked, "How long?"

"Hmm?"

"You said that it was something that you'd wanted for a long time. How long did you mean?"

Yuki pulled back to look at him. "The night I offered you my blood for the first time. That's when I knew. But honestly, I was already feeling it even before then."

Zero frowned. "That was so long ago. I was awful to you back then."

"No. You weren't awful. You were just hurting."

Zero dropped his head. "You don't have to make excuses for me. I know… I have a lot to make up for… I don't know if I'll ever feel like I deserve you."

"Don't say that!"

"It's true."

"But you shouldn't feel that way! Zero, we've all made mistakes. I have. I know what I was like back then. After this past week… well, it seems clearer to me now. I was always kind of a pushover. I guess I still can be... I know I've let Kaname walk all over me, and look at everything he did! The difference is… He planned it all. You weren't doing anything but trying to keep me at arms length. You weren't trying to hurt anyone, but you still regret it. Kaname's only sorry I saw through it in the end."

Zero simply looked at her with regret. "I didn't know you back then… I'm sorry Yuki. I don't understand what inspired you to keep putting up with me, but I'm happy that you did. I want to stay with you now. If you'll have me."

"Of course," Yuki smiled, holding him against her. "I'm not going to change my mind now. I couldn't - not for something like that. Even though we had a rocky start, you've been so good to me since then. I don't know how I would have made it through this past week if I hadn't known you were back here, supporting me."

Zero understood, and it seemed to help him a little that Yuki felt the same way he did. "If it weren't for you then I'd probably be losing my mind right know… knowing that woman is out there…"

"We're going to figure that out somehow. Together, okay?"

"Yeah…"

They were quiet for a moment. Zero rested his forehead against Yuki's shoulder while she held him and gently stroked his hair. Eventually, she asked, "Zero, I know it's probably not something we can make a habit of but, even so… can I stay with you tonight? I don't want to have to think about all that stuff right now. Tomorrow we can go back to worrying about all those other things we need to deal with. But for now, I want to stay like this, with you."

Zero had leaned back to look at her as she spoke, and now he nodded. "I like that idea."

Now that it had been brought up, neither one could ignore how exhausted they felt. It really had been a long day. They went to Zero's room to sleep. In Zero's arms, Yuki felt so safe. It was the most peaceful rest she'd had all week.

*

Zero probably should have skipped breakfast the following morning. He'd already been late, thanks, in no small part, to Yuki. She was clingy in the morning, it seemed, but he couldn't help but find it sort of adorable. He also couldn't help but indulge her wish to snuggle into him for just a little while longer after his alarm went off. Punctuality be damned.

So he was running late, but figured he at least had time for coffee before classes were due to start. That was his first mistake. In the kitchen, Kaien was waiting for him, coffee already brewed and ready to pour. Zero's second mistake was not turning around at the sight of him. The cafeteria might still have had something left that he could use to help him finish waking up, if he hurried. But the lure of the coffee already sitting on the table in front of him was too much for the half asleep Zero to resist. He sat and poured himself a cup.

"Good morning Zero," said Kaien. "We're running late today, aren't we? But never mind. Would you like some breakfast?"

There was something in his tone that probably should have given it away to Zero at this point. But he must have been distracted because he only glared at the Headmaster. He was in a good mood today, yes, but that didn't mean he was suddenly able to tolerate Kaien's cheerfulness so early in the morning.

Zero had meant to say that the coffee was enough on its own, but before he could do so, a plate of scrambled eggs had already been thrust towards him. Then Kaien began, "I couldn't help but notice that the nature of your relationship with Yuki seems to have changed somewhat, recently."

Zero nearly spat his coffee out. He managed to avoid it, but with some discomfort and Kaien waited for him while he coughed a few times. It was all the time he needed to understand, and to regret, with every atom of his being, walking straight into the trap that Kaien had so obviously set for him.

"Well, I think it's wonderful!" continued Kaien when Zero seemed to have recovered - from nearly choking, at least. "I hoped from the very beginning that the two of you could become friends, but now it's even better than I expected!" The Headmaster's eyes were shining as he gushed, "This could be the be the beginning of something truly amazing. The two of you have already begun bridging the gap between vampires and hunters. This could be a catalyst for progress like we've never known before…"

It had taken Zero a while to find his voice, after staring dumbfounded through most of Kaien's speech, but this was really enough. "Please stop," he managed to grind out. "Seriously. Stop. I am not __bridging__ anything. The other hunters barely even tolerate me." Zero stopped himself from going on. Why was he treating this like it was even worth a serious answer?

"I suppose I may be getting a little bit ahead of myself," Kaien allowed. "Though I don't think you should be so negative… But never mind that for now. Actually, the thing I wanted to talk to you about was… er, well, I am slightly concerned that the two of you might be moving just a little bit too fast."

Zero was already pushing his chair back and getting to his feet before the sentence was completely out of Kaien's mouth. "That has __nothing__ to do with you."

"Please sit, Kiryu. It's quite important that I speak with you about this."

"No. It really isn't. It's-"

"Look," Kaien interrupted sternly. "I know that Yuki didn't sleep in her own bed last night. I may just be a retired hunter, but even I can't help but notice these things."

Zero closed his eyes, as if that might shut out the utter mortification that was descending upon him.

Kaien went on, "I know that it's, er, rather an uncomfortable subject… However, I wouldn't be much of a guardian if I said nothing and simply allowed this sort of thing to continue."

Zero opened his eyes once more to glare at Kaien, and he hated the fact that his face was so hot as he did so. "So Yuki's not allowed in my room. Is that what you're saying?"

"Ah, not exactly… It's not so much her presence there as it is…" Kaien let out a sigh, "I realise that we've never really talked about this before…"

"That's because it's unnecessary!"

"I'm not so sure that's true. You're getting to an age now where-"

" _ _Please__ do not continue that sentence. There is no need for this conversation to happen."

"I just think that with you and Yuki living together like this, there are certain things that need to be discussed."

"Let's agree to disagree on that. I have a class to get to right now, in case you've forgotten while you're busy being a responsible guardian. I'm already late."

"But Kiryu…" Kaien whined as Zero turned towards the door.

"I'm going to class," he repeated forcefully. And without waiting for a response, he left the room.

*

Unfortunately, that wasn't the last he heard on the subject that day. Zero only made it to the end of Yagari's lesson that afternoon before the topic of his and Yuki's relationship was dragged up again.

Yagari caught up with Zero after class and came right out with it, "So, you and that pureblood - that's really happening now?"

Zero let out a tired sighed, not answering immediately. He honestly wasn't sure what direction this was likely to go in with his master. Yagari had never been supportive of Yuki, but he seemed to at least be coming around to the idea that she wasn't just using Zero as part of some twisted game. Yuki was genuine - anyone who spent enough time with her could see that. And Zero had better insight to it than most.

He figured that the truth had to come out at some point. "Yes," he answered eventually. "It's happening."

They walked in silence a moment longer, turning instinctively onto a quiet corridor, where they could talk in private, without the madness of everyone finishing classes for the day.

Yagari said, "I saw the signs. It shouldn't have been hard to predict what was going on, but somehow it seemed too far-fetched to really believe."

"Is this where you try to talk me out of it?" asked Zero tonelessly.

"I did try to talk you out of it. You ignored me. I'll admit, though, that it seems to have worked out better than I expected. You seem like you're doing good. I'm not sure I've ever seen you like this before."

"Like what?" Zero's question was slightly wary in tone. This wasn't what he had been expecting.

Yagari shrugged and then answered, "Happy."

Zero was surprised by the answer. And he was surprised also, that Yagari was right. That was something Zero still wasn't used to. How amidst all this mess of Shizuka's reappearance, he could still manage to feel that way in the moments he had with Yuki. "I guess I am."

They stopped walking. Yagari gave him an appraising look and Zero suspected he was pleased to hear the confirmation. But then he added, "I can't say I'm not concerned that she'll still screw you over at some point."

Zero looked his master in the eye and gave his answer with utmost seriousness, "I trust Yuki completely. I could try to explain how I know I can do that, but I don't think you'd want to hear the details. So I'm asking you to take my word for it."

"Right…" Yagari's expression stayed passive, but Zero could sense his discomfort. "Vampire thing?"

Zero hesitated before confirming, "Yeah…"

"I get it…" Yagari turned and started walking again. Zero fell into step with him as he added, "You're still one of us though, Zero. Don't forget that."

Zero still wasn't entirely convinced that, despite his allegiance with the hunters, there was any side that he truly belonged on anymore. But it meant a lot, all the same, that Yagari felt that way. "Thanks," he quietly replied.

They walked on a little further in silence and then Yagari said, "I suppose if you're happy then I don't need to worry so much."

Zero smirked a little. "You were worried?"

"Don't act so surprised," Yagari muttered. "I don't fuss like Cross does, but I still care what happens to you."

"I'm grateful. For the not fussing in particular." Zero had to suppress a shudder just thinking about Kaien right then and Yagari seemed to notice.

"Just be sure you don't go doing anything to give the guy a heart attack. He's a lot older than he looks, you know."

Zero would have been amused if it weren't so obvious what his master was getting at. Instead he looked pained. "He didn't actually tell you about that talk he tried to have with me this morning, did he?"

Now Yagari was smirking. "I can't say I envy Cross's job. Living with two teenagers can't be easy."

Zero rolled his eyes. "I'm sure it's a real chore," he grumbled. "It's not like anything even happened last night." Nothing like Kaien was thinking at least. But neither of them had seen fit to complain about him feeding from Yuki - if they were fine with that then there was no reason to complain about the situation being reversed. Not that Zero planned to test that theory on Yagari. "Yuki was upset because her piece of shit brother was messing with her head all week. She didn't feel like being alone."

"Maybe try telling Cross that."

"Not that it's any of his business."

Yagari shrugged. "Not mine either. Just use your common sense, kid. That's all I'm going to say on the matter."

For which, Zero was thankful. "Great. If you're finished then I'm off. I feel like I've had enough serious talks today to last me the whole year."

"Go on then." Yagari rolled his single eye. "Go back to your girl. Don't think you're not completely transparent, just because you hide it behind that cocky attitude."

Zero shot his master a dirty look, but as he walked away there was almost a smile on his face.

*

Somehow, when Zero returned, Yuki was still sleeping. He figured he couldn't blame her really. Had he not had school today, he probably would have stayed right there with her. But, as it was, while Yuki had lain here, oblivious, Zero had had to endure the public scrutiny of their relationship (and yes, Yagari and Kaien alone were more public than Zero was really interested in dealing with) and that was making him slightly less sympathetic towards her.

"Hey," he called out at first, as he tossed his school blazer onto a chair in the corner of his room. Yuki didn't stir.

Zero peered down at her from beside the bed. Even with her hair all over the place and her mouth hanging open, he couldn't help but still find her cute. It wasn't quite enough to gain her any sympathy though. He knelt by the side of the bed and folded his arms onto the empty space on the mattress next to Yuki's head. "Yuki…" he tried again. Her face scrunched up adorably in protest but she didn't open her eyes. That earned her a poke, "Quit drooling on my pillow."

It seemed, she was listening after all because, without opening her eyes, she frowned and wiped at her mouth with the back of her hand. Then she slowly blinked her eyes a few times and glared sleepily at Zero. "You're mean." Zero chuckled softly. "What are you even doing here anyway?" she complained, sinking down further into the bed as she stretched her arms out over her head.

"This is my room," Zero reminded her.

Yuki pulled a face. "What about school?"

"I've been."

A pause. Then, "Oh… Wow, I slept really well today."

"I'd say so. Considering that we went to bed at the same time. Last night."

Yuki ignored the little dig in his words and smiled up at him. "Did you have a good day at school?"

She seemed to have woken up a lot more now and shuffled over as Zero climbed onto the bed beside her. He settled back against the headboard and answered, "It was fine." He slid an arm around Yuki, who had pulled herself up to lean comfortably against him.

"It feels nice," she murmured.

Zero made a noise of agreement and, with his fingers under her chin, tilted Yuki's head up so that he could kiss her. For a moment she was helplessly drawn into it, but then she pulled back saying, "Hmm… no… I'm all morning-y and yuck right now."

"I didn't notice…" Zero replied absently. Then he thought to ask, "Do purebloods even get morning breath?"

But it wasn't something Yuki particularly felt like discussing in too much detail. "You should quit before you find out. Or you'll spoil the illusion."

Zero smirked. "What illusion is that? You know, I wasn't kidding about the drool earlier."

Yuki's face turned faintly pink. "No!" she moaned and scrambled out of his embrace. "Zero, you suck!"

But Zero's smirk grew wider and he took Yuki's hand before she could move all the way off the bed. "You love me," he teased.

Honestly, Zero didn't know why he was joking about it. He was still amazed by the fact - still didn't know what he'd done to deserve it. But it felt so good to acknowledge it freely. It felt right to tease and joke with Yuki. Somehow, even with everything that was up in the air right now, he __did__ feel happy. And it didn't feel like something he should waste.

Yuki was blushing harder now. He loved that blush; how cute she looked as she mumbled, "Don't use that against me."

His only response was to move in for another kiss. Again, she responded as though she just couldn't help herself. And again, she let it last only a moment before she moved away saying, "I really am going to brush my teeth now."

She hopped off the bed and made for the door. But before heading out, she turned back to say, with a smile, "We can definitely pick this up again later, though."

Not taking his eyes off her, Zero lay back on the bed. "I'll be right here."

*

It was only as Yuki was brushing her teeth that she finally remembered Artemis. She'd noticed last night while she was getting ready for bed that Kaien had brought her bags up to her room for her (she would have to remember to thank him for that later) but she had been too eager to return to Zero to think about unpacking then. Now she went to her room and dug the wooden box out of the bag. This was something she was certain Zero would be interested in seeing.

"There's something I meant to show you last night," she told him upon returning to his room. "I can't believe it slipped my mind, with everything we were talking about."

As she entered, Zero appeared to have been dozing, but he was sitting up now, already sensing the power of the weapon she held. Yuki carried it to the bed where Zero was sitting. She climbed up and knelt beside him, then handed him the box. "Open it," she told him.

Zero was frowning slightly as he flipped the lid open to reveal the metal rod inside. "Where did this come from?" he wondered.

"Kaname gave it to me. It's called Artemis. And it belonged to my mother."

"Artemis…" Zero repeated, deep in thought. "I remember hearing about vampires with the ability to wield hunter weapons. I'd forgotten that the ability only seems to manifest within the Kuran line."

"You know more about it that me, it seems."

"I don't know much about the vampires who have used them, but the history regarding our weapons is something all hunters are taught."

"Still, I wish I was so well informed. I don't even know if I can use it yet. Kaname thought so but…" Yuki sighed. "He said something about revealing its true form, but I don't even know what that is. I didn't get a chance to ask him before everything happened. He said he would teach me how to use Artemis for if I ever needed to defend myself… I really thought we were finally making progress at that point."

Zero put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't think that you have to deal with this alone now just because that guy fucked up so badly. If I can help, I will."

Yuki's thoughts had been starting to take a familiar route towards blaming herself, wondering, if she'd just done things a little differently, then could she have preserved that moment? That trust in her abilities that Kaname had so briefly shown her - could she have found a way to make it last? But then she felt Zero's support for her in his touch and in his words as he placed the blame onto Kaname, and she remembered whose betrayal ran deeper. Kaname had ruined things all by himself, with his lies and his manipulations. Yuki didn't have to blame herself for that. She needed to remember that.

"Thanks," Yuki said, managing a smile. "Seriously, thank you. I don't even know where to begin on my own. Anything you can teach me would be a huge help."

"Of course… There are training rooms beneath the school, leftover from when the Academy was a hunter base. It's where I go to practice shooting, or anything else I feel the need to brush up on. We could start regular training there if you wanted."

Yuki was impressed. "That sounds amazing! Can we check it out tonight? I'd really like to take a better look at Artemis without worrying that I might break something. If I can figure out how to use it, I mean."

Zero nodded. "After prefect rounds then."

*

The most eventful part of prefect duties that day was Yori, no more than five minutes in, figuring out that something had changed between Yuki and Zero. Zero honestly didn't know how it was so obvious to everyone, when he and Yuki had already been close for a while. The main difference now was the kisses they'd been sharing, but they hadn't been doing that in front of anyone else.

"It's in the way you look at each other," Yori responded when he asked. "You're usually sneakier about it."

After that, Zero decided that it was time to patrol inside. He figured that the girls would want to catch up properly and suspected that he was getting in the way of them being able to do that. He didn't mind though; splitting up meant they would finish rounds more quickly and Zero was eager to begin training.

He was happy to have Yuki back with him, that was true, but at the back of his mind there was also a restless feeling that had been growing since his encounter with Shizuka. He couldn't go after her yet, he knew that, but he felt like he had to do __something__. Training with Yuki was a good idea. At least for as long as it took to figure out where Shizuka was, and come up with a plan to stop her.

When Zero left, Yori turned to Yuki with a smile, saying nothing, and Yuki blushed heavily. Pressing her hands to her burning cheeks, Yuki cried, "Ah! Stop looking at me like that, Yori!"

"You're going to tell me what happened," Yori practically sang. "I know you want to."

Yori was right. And after everything her friend had done to support Yuki with her feelings for Zero over the past few months, she deserved to hear the full story. Yuki hated that she could only tell her so much. "It was on Saturday night," Yuki began. "I was at a party at a family friend's house and Zero was there too. I'd really missed him while I was away, so we sneaked off to be alone and, um, that's when he kissed me."

Yori looked __very__ impressed. "Way to go, Zero! How was it?"

Yuki gave Yori a look. "Do you have to ask?" Yori grinned in a way that said, probably not, but she was going to make Yuki say it anyway.

"It was everything I hoped it would be. I feel so lucky."

Yuki's answer made Yori smile at her friend with even more fondness. "I'm so happy for you, Yuki. And I'm so pleased that Zero was able to move past whatever was holding him back before. You two deserve this."

Yuki, touched by Yori's words, immediately pulled her into a hug. "Thank you for being such a good friend, Yori. I don't know if I'd have had the confidence to get very far if it hadn't been for your pep talks."

Yori laughed. "I doubt you could have been held back that much longer, with how crazy you are about him. But I'm glad I could help, all the same."

The girls embraced a moment longer, and then Yuki said, "Okay, we should get back to it. Zero's not going to be impressed if he comes back and finds we let him do all the work while we were having a sappy moment."

Yori grinned, "Hey, I'd say he owes me after all the times I've let him get away with slacking off."

"Hmm, you're probably right, you know."

"I think I'll call in the favour another time, though. Come on, let's go."

*

Since they planned to use the training rooms after curfew, Yuki insisted that they get the go ahead from Kaien first. Zero seemed strangely resistant to the idea, but when Yuki pressed him on it, he wouldn't say why. He simply insisted that he'd been to the shooting range plenty of times without ever asking permission, and there was no need to go about it any differently now. Yuki just didn't feel right about it though.

"What's he going to think if we both just disappear for the evening without saying anything? I don't want to make him worry." Zero, didn't look happy about it, but he relented. "It'll only take a minute," Yuki assured him.

It did not only take a minute.

As soon as Yuki explained about Artemis, Kaien seemed a lot more interested in what they were planning than she had really counted on him being. Right away, he launched into a story about the first time he'd got to know Yuki's parents and she was completely drawn into it. But Zero didn't feel as though he could blame her.

In the early days of their friendship, Kaien told them that Juri Kuran could often be found wandering around his regular patrol route wielding an anti-vampire weapon. Or, more specifically: a scythe.

"Artemis is a scythe?" Yuki tried to picture it, but she was having some trouble. "I wonder how you're supposed to use a scythe in battle."

Kaien looked thoughtful. "Um.. well, I expect it's mostly just a matter of hitting the target with the pointy end."

That was  _ _not__ quite the technical response Yuki might have expected from someone who used to be a vampire hunter. Even if it was Kaien. "Huh, that's all?"

"I couldn't really say for certain… Most of the time Juri would only have to wave it around to scare off potential troublemakers." He brightened, adding, "It's quite effective in that respect."

"I… er… can imagine…" Yuki turned to Zero. "Would you know what to do with something like that?"

"With a scythe? I can't say I'm proficient," said Zero drily.

"Oh…" Yuki looked disappointed.

"Look, it hardly matters. If you want to know how to defend yourself then there are basics you can learn regardless of what weapon you'll be using. I use a gun, so ideally I would take out my target without ever having to get too close to them. But I still need to know what to do if I ever get caught at close range, or if I need to subdue the target in order to extract information. That's the sort of thing I can help you with."

It sounded like a lot to Yuki. Somehow, she couldn't picture herself managing any of it. But she had to try anyway.

Kaien was looking between the two of them now. "I'm confused. Who is it you think you'll be fighting, Yuki?" She could hear the disapproval in his voice.

"What kind of a question is that?" Zero muttered in the moment before Yuki answered him seriously.

"Headmaster, you know that I respect your pacifist ideology, I really do. But I also know that there are vampires out there who could hurt the people I care about. If that were to happen then I couldn't just sit back and do nothing. If there comes a time when a battle needs to be fought then I want to be one of the people fighting it. I won't just let someone else do it for me. And I won't allow myself to be a burden when that time comes. Do you understand? I'm in a position where I can help. So I'm going to do what I can with that."

When she was done talking, she almost expected Kaien to smile and begin to explain what an unrealistic goal that was for her, despite it being a nice sentiment. But, to her surprise, Kaien seemed impressed. "How noble," he murmured. "I understand, Yuki. Nobody wants to feel as though they are helpless in times of trouble. I wouldn't expect you to behave as though you were… If you need to use those rooms in order to feel more confident with that then you have my permission. Maybe I'll even pop by and help out from time to time."

"There's no need to go that far," said Zero under his breath.

"Don't be so rude," complained Kaien. "You might think that I've grown soft since my retirement, but I still have a few things I can teach."

"That's not the problem…" Zero grumbled, but he didn't elaborate.

"Don't listen to Zero," said Yuki brightly. "I think I could probably use whatever help I can get."

"You have a very good attitude, Yuki, as I've come to expect from you."

Yuki couldn't help but feel a little proud of herself. She glanced at Zero, but he mostly just looked fed up by the conversation.

"Now, you two go ahead, but make sure you're back by a reasonable time. I don't want you falling asleep in class again. And do try to, er, behave yourselves. Kiryu, I trust I don't need to remind you of the conversation we had this morning."

Zero just glared wordlessly as Kaien gave him a stern look, then he put a hand on Yuki's shoulder and began to steer her away. "Let's go, Yuki."

Feeling slightly clueless, Yuki allowed herself to be led away.

Zero was muttering as they left the building. "Let's just check with him," he repeated Yuki's earlier words in a low grumble. "It will only take a minute."

"What is your problem, Zero?" Yuki complained.

Zero scowled. "Nothing… That guy just grates on me."

"It's always like that, though. What conversation was he talking about?"

Whatever it was, Zero was still making a pretty sour face at the memory of it. After a while, he let out a breath and said, "Yuki, if that guy gets you in a room alone and tells you that there's something important he needs to talk to you about, my advice is just to run in the opposite direction."

Yuki raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? Okay, Zero, what is this about?"

Zero took a few steps before he decided to come out with it. "If you have to know, he tried to have the talk with me this morning. Apparently he woke up with a sudden desire to be a responsible parental figure for once."

A small crease appeared between Yuki's eyebrows. "What talk?"

"The __talk__. Come on, Yuki, you know what I mean."

"Eh?"

Zero sighed again. "He figured out that you stayed in my room last night. And now that the whole world suddenly knows that we're together, he's jumped to his own conclusions about what we were doing in there and decided that he needs to talk to me about it. Remind me about the fucking birds and the bees or whatever."

Yuki stared up at him, uncomprehending, for several long seconds. Then it dawned on her what Zero was saying and her face began to burn red. Sex. Zero was talking about sex. And that's what Kaien thought they had been doing in Zero's room last night. "Okay," Yuki squeaked and hurried on in the direction of the school building.

Well, that was embarrassing. Yuki couldn't believe it had taken her so long to catch on to what Zero was saying. Why hadn't she realised that that was the sort of thing that people were going to expect to happen now? And shouldn't it be unsurprising if that was what Zero expected too? They had already shared some very intimate moments. She had been the one climbing all over him last night, the one talking to him in that breathy little voice. The next step was obvious. But Yuki hadn't even thought about it. She'd been caught up in the moment last night, but if she had to stop and think about __that -__ it kind of terrified her.

"Are you freaking out over there?" Zero called from behind her. Yuki hadn't even realised that, in her embarrassment, she'd sped off ahead of him.

"I'm okay," she told him, and stopped while she waited for him to catch up.

When he did, he looked down at her and said, "You look freaked out."

Yuki pressed her hands to her burning cheeks and let out a low whine.

"I wasn't trying to embarrass you then. I just figured I should give you a heads up in case he tries to have that conversation with you too… You'd clearly handle it even worse than I did."

Yuki had been unable to look him in the face before, but now she peered up at him as she asked, "You handled it badly?"

"I had to leave the room," Zero admitted, looking slightly awkward.

"Oh…" Yuki dropped the hands that she'd been holding to her cheeks. She let them fall to her sides for a moment, then folded them across her chest instead, as she asked, "Didn't you tell him that's not what happened?"

"I don't think it's any of his business."

If Yuki thought about it, she supposed she felt the same, but she couldn't help but take pity on Kaien too. "He's probably just concerned…"

"I know," Zero replied, but he still sounded slightly annoyed as he said it. "I know that he's really helped me out too. I'm grateful that he took me in and for how he's put up with all my shit over the years… but when it comes to responsible parenting , I can't help but feel its something he picks up as and when he pleases. It's never been consistent. It's impossible to take it seriously like that."

"I get it…" She'd known Kaien long enough now to have picked up on some of that. She wasn't surprised Zero felt that way. "I suppose it's not something I have the right to comment on."

Zero watched her for a few seconds and his expression softened a little. "But I'll tell him. If it'll make you more comfortable, I'll talk to him properly for you."

"You don't have to do it for my sake."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I mean, I can tell him if it comes up. I'll just… get my act together and try to be less ridiculously awkward about the whole thing."

By this point they had come to a door at the side of the main school building and Yuki was grateful for an excuse to change the subject. "Do you have the keys?"

It was a dumb thing to ask. Yuki had seen Zero collect them when they were in the house earlier. But Zero didn't seem to think anything of it. He just took the keys from his pocket and unlocked the entrance leading down to the basement.

The room Zero lead her to was a small underground gym. There were two doors leading out from the room, one to the shooting range, which they'd just passed through on their way in, and one to a storage room, where, according to Zero, practice weapons and other equipment was kept. The floors were padded in places with thick mats and there were various types of equipment lining the walls. Yuki vaguely recognised a few things from similar types of rooms she'd seen on television but she didn't think she could say what they might be used for. All in all, she was feeling pretty out of place, but she tried to push the feeling aside, telling herself that she would learn, in time.

As Yuki owned no suitable clothes for training, she'd had to borrow a spare Cross Academy P.E. kit that Kaien had had stored away. He'd apologised for not having any spare shoes that might fit her, but Yuki didn't mind going barefoot. She opted to change in the storage room and thankfully the borrowed clothes fit her rather well. They felt strange to wear though. The kit consisted of a t-shirt and a small pair of shorts and Yuki had never worn anything like it. Her legs were usually always covered by loose folds of delicate fabric. It wasn't that the outfit was all that revealing, it certainly covered everything that really needed covering, but still, she wasn't used to seeing her thighs so bare anywhere but in the privacy of either the bathroom, or her own bedroom. She hadn't thought anything of it when she'd accepted the uniform from Kaien, so she had to wonder if her self-conscious feeling now was due to the conversation she'd just had with Zero.

After a short while, she heard Zero ask from the other side of the door if everything was okay, so she called back, "Yeah, I'm fine." Then she took a moment to steel herself and opened the door.

She felt Zero's eyes on her immediately as she padded out into the main room. When she raised her head, she saw where he was looking and blushed, tugging a little at the hem of her shorts. "I guess it fits okay," she mumbled and Zero met her eyes at last.

"You look cute in it," he said with a small smile.

Yuki blushed even more heavily. "Thanks," she managed to get out with some slight difficulty. Then she took a deep breath and tried to gather back some of her lost confidence. "I'm going to look at Artemis now," she announced. She strode over to the bench where she'd left the weapon in it's wooden box, and knelt down beside it. She felt Zero approach behind her as she flipped open the lid. The feeling she sensed from Artemis was something like wariness, much like the first time she'd seen it. But Yuki didn't mean to do anything bad with the weapon, and her mother had used it before her, so why shouldn't she be able to pick it up? She reached a hand towards it and felt a crackle of electricity at her fingertips as the weapon warned her off. She made a small upset noise.

"Don't worry about it," Zero told her gently. "It probably just needs a chance to get used to you."

"Did you have this problem with Bloody Rose?"

Zero shook his head. "It's different with guns, I expect. Besides, I'm still a hunter… Just try to relax a bit."

Yuki nodded. She took a deep breath and tried again. This time, she reached out with her mind first, trying to let the weapon get used to her vampire aura and let it know that she was on the same side. There was another crackle of electricity at first but Yuki waited patiently, reaching out with only her pure intentions. __I only want to protect the people I care about__ , she thought and, after a few moments, the electric spark around the weapon died away.

Yuki reached forward tentatively, and took Artemis in her hands. She turned to flash a grin at Zero then, slowly, she got to her feet and took a few steps towards the centre of the room. She held the rod in front of her and thought, __Okay, Artemis. Reveal your true form to me… please?__ And it took a moment, but somehow Yuki felt what she had to do. Holding the rod in her right hand, she raised it above her head, and in one swift motion she swung it down, angling it away from her. She felt the change with the movement and watched, amazed, as Artemis's shape changed, elongating and twisting into something new. A second later, Yuki held a huge scythe in her hand. She stared at it for a moment and then turned to grin triumphantly at Zero once more.

"I did it!"

"You really did…" he looked impressed.

Yuki held Artemis in front of her, turning the weapon around in her hands so that the blade was upright. Zero stepped forward, looking with her at the twisting shapes in the metal. So much of it had appeared from nowhere, and yet it felt cool and solid in her grip. She could feel, just as clearly, the pulse of the power it contained within.

"It makes me kind of nervous," she admitted. "It could hurt either one of us pretty badly."

"If you're going to be swinging it around then I'll be sure to stand out of the way." He didn't look too concerned about it though, Yuki was pleased to see.

"I actually would like to try it out a little."

Zero nodded, and stepped back. "Go for it."

"Don't laugh at me."

"I'll do what I can…"

Yuki smiled and then moved a little further away from Zero, who had gone to lean against the wall while he observed. She placed her feet in a way that felt secure enough that she was sure she wouldn't overbalance and held Artemis' long handle tightly in both her hands. Then, feeling a little uncertain, she took a few swings with it. She enjoyed the whoosh and crackle of the movement and the feel of it in her hands. She felt strong. Like no one could mess with her. It wasn't a feeling she experienced often, so it felt pretty satisfying to her now.

"How do I look?" she asked Zero. "Scary?"

"Like you could send any number of bad guys fleeing for their lives," Zero acquiesced with a tiny, playful smile.

She laughed a little. Then, after a few more test swings, she decided that she was also going to need to know how to put Artemis away. She went about it in the same way that seemed to have worked so far; letting her thoughts and actions guide the weapon. With another flick of her arm, Artemis collapsed into its smaller form.

"You're getting the hang of it pretty quickly," Zero commented.

Yuki grinned at him, pleased both with his approval and with how well she herself felt she was doing. "I feel like it's starting to know me somehow. Like it wasn't sure at first, but now it's starting to recognise something in me."

"Your mum used it first… maybe its something to do with that."

"That's what I was thinking."

Yuki went to put Artemis back in its box for now. As she did so, she noticed something sticking out from beneath the cushioned velvet on which the weapon was meant to lie. Curious, Yuki placed Artemis on the bench and investigated the other item in the box. She pulled it out to reveal a long leather strap, adorned with several silver buttons. Beneath that was a metal chain wrapped in a velvet drawstring bag. Yuki held up the strap for a closer look and went, "Huh?"

"Looks like a harness or something." Zero had stepped away from his place against the wall to see what she was looking at.

Yuki's eyes widened in comprehension. "Ooh, handy!"

She began to twist the leather, wondering how it was supposed to fit together. Maybe around her waist… but the strap was too long for that. It didn't fit.

"Try your leg," Zero said. "Loop it around."

Yuki blinked down at the harness for a second then went to try it. She got as far as raising her leg, with her foot resting on the bench, and suddenly remembered how bare her thighs currently were. "Turn around," she ordered Zero, feeling self-conscious again.

"What?"

"I feel weird with you looking. Turn around!"

With a roll of his eyes, Zero did as he was told. Yuki set about figuring out this (now slightly annoying) contraption. It did seem to be a better fit for her upper thigh, if she looped it around twice, but it was so fiddly. There were too many buttons and Yuki couldn't seem to get it to fit together just right. She grunted in frustration and began to think that perhaps it just wasn't her size. Then a hand came and rested on top of hers. She looked up at Zero in alarm. "Hey you were supposed to…"

"I got tired of listening to you struggle. You're making it out to be more complicated than it is." With that, Zero took the strap from her and looped it around her thigh in the opposite direction. For a second, Zero's fingers grazed Yuki's skin and she blushed hard. She stared resolutely at the piece of leather, refusing to meet his eyes. Zero snapped the harness into place quite easily after that. "You did it," she mumbled, but she was too embarrassed to look up at him, so she stared at the floor instead.

"You're being weird all of a sudden… It's because of what I said earlier, isn't it?" Yuki couldn't bring herself to say anything. She just continued to stare at the floor. "I knew I'd freaked you out."

Face burning more than ever, Yuki admitted, "Maybe I am… a bit."

"Will you tell me what's bothering you?"

She didn't want to. She wished she could go on without having to to talk about it at all. Maybe in a couple of months it wouldn't feel so embarrassing. But she knew she was too obvious in her discomfort. It wasn't fair to Zero to keep him guessing about it. So she made herself say it. "I didn't think before now about what you might expect from me if we got together properly… I feel like an idiot that I didn't realise it would come up."

"Seriously?" Zero sounded a little incredulous, and Yuki, misunderstanding, shrank a little. Then, more softly, Zero said, "Yuki, look at me." She hesitated and then did as he asked. She met his gaze and saw him looking serious, but there was none of the annoyance she thought she'd sensed a moment ago. "Do you really think I'd expect anything from you that you were that uncomfortable with?"

"No… but I thought I might have… given you that impression. When I bit you… And because I was the one who asked to sleep in your bed."

Zero was frowning. "Did you feel like I misread the situation at all last night?"

"No…"

"Then… what's wrong?"

Yuki tried to collect her thoughts. Zero seemed so much more together right now, but as she looked at him, she could see the faintest hint of a blush. She realised that he was feeling awkward too. He was just better at hiding it. It honestly made her feel a lot better. "I just want to take things a step at a time. I'm happy with how things are right now."

"I feel the same."

"You do?"

"Yeah." Zero said it like it should have been obvious. "I don't suddenly feel like there's any need to rush with this."

Yuki felt a flood of relief that they were thinking the same way. "So… you're okay if we don't go, um, further… than we already have… for now?"

"It's fine. I don't want to do anything you're not happy with… So, tell me if there's something - if you're ever uncomfortable. Or if there's something that's already happened…?" Zero looked at her uncertainly and she realised what he was asking.

"No, Zero. Everything so far has been wonderful. I was just - ah! I got so worked up over nothing! I kind of feel like an idiot now."

But Zero looked relieved. He smirked and joked, "Just another day in the life of Yuki Kuran…"

"Hey!" Yuki pouted. "Sometimes I have legitimate reasons."

"And sometimes you need to ask before you panic." Zero looked at her so that she could see he meant it when he told her, "You can talk to me."

She couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, I know… I'll try to remember in the future."

With that, Zero pulled her into a reassuring hug and Yuki felt the last traces of anxiety leave her. She let herself melt against him for a few seconds before the two of them returned to where they had left off before their conversation.

Once Artemis was slotted into the harness on her leg, the whole thing was weighed down a little and the reason for the chain became apparent. This time, she made no complaint as Zero looped the length of metal around her waist and clipped it into place on the harness. His hands lingered for a moment on the chain at her waist as he used it to lightly tug her closer so that he could then lean down and softly kiss her.

Yuki felt happiness flutter inside her. There had never been any reason to doubt Zero. She didn't know why she sometimes let her worries get the better of her. He had been so good to her. She felt very foolish for it now, and she hoped that she would have the sense to know better in the future.

Soon after, they returned to the reason they had come to the training room in the first place. They began with warm ups and then moved onto some simple defensive training exercises. Yuki felt a little silly at first, but Zero seemed to know what he was doing, and his confidence was enough to reassure her. He helped her to correctly position her body and guide her through various movements. It made her glad to have spoken about her worries before they'd started. She was allowing herself to relax now, knowing there was no reason to be uncomfortable with his touch.

Eventually Zero was satisfied that they had done enough for one evening. Yuki was impressed by her own stamina. She'd managed to keep up with him really well. Despite having had little opportunity to build up her physical fitness, her pureblood genetics meant her stamina was naturally higher than most anyway. She was already fast and strong, all she lacked was technique. And after their first session she felt a lot more confident that Zero would be able to teach her all that.

"The most important thing is to work with your advantages," he told her, as they were cooling down. "For vampires that's nearly always their powers. You have more than most, even if you don't know the extent of them yet. You should practice. Try to become more familiar with what you can do."

"But I don't know where to begin… Kaname never…"

"You don't need him - or me - for this. It's like with Artemis earlier; you weren't sure at first, but when you stopped and gave yourself a chance to think about it, you knew what to do. Follow your instincts."

Yuki had gone nearly her whole life aware of the potential inside her, but never knowing what to do with it, never having a cause worthy of figuring it out. She didn't know how it had never occurred to her before just to __try__ , and see what she was capable of on her own. It hadn't seemed achievable somehow, but Zero's comparison to what she'd done with Artemis had put it into perspective. There was no reason she couldn't just feel her way through it. It was __her__ power, it flowed through __her__ body. It was up to her to learn what she could do with it.

Just thinking of it that way, her uncertainty lifted, and she smiled to herself.

"You've done really well," Zero confirmed, distracting her from her thoughts. "I have to admit, I thought you'd be harder to teach."

Yuki shot him a playful glare, but honestly, she'd kind of thought the same thing herself. "I guess that only applies to academic learning." She stood a little taller and added, "But that was nothing. I could totally keep going, you know."

"Says the one who spent the whole day sleeping."

Yuki laughed. "You're right. I forgot about that."

"But I'm glad to see you've recovered from yesterday."

"Yeah. Your blood really did the trick… I haven't felt this good in forever."

The look in his eyes then told her how pleased he was to hear it. Just seeing him look at her like that made her insides flutter and it very suddenly began to feel like there was too much distance between them. She stepped up to him, sliding her arms around his neck. "You know, the offer still stands if you'd like me to return the favour."

Yuki's new favourite thing was to put her face to Zero's neck and just breathe him in. She wasn't sure if it was a strange thing to enjoy doing so much, but she couldn't seem to help herself. She was already on her tiptoes, enjoying the feeling of trailing the tip of her nose up along his skin, occasionally letting her lips brush over the places where she could feel his pulse. The desire to let her tongue flick out to taste his skin was there, but she didn't let herself get carried away. It was Zero's turn, after all.

"Here?" Zero asked. He sounded slightly uncertain, but she could also tell that she had piqued his interest.

"Hmm… why not?" she pulled back to look at him. "There's no one else around."

Yuki's other new favourite thing was the way Zero was looking at her right now. He was as fully absorbed by her, as she was by him. She wasn't sure if it was her answer, or the look they were sharing that settled his uncertainty. He didn't say anything else, he simply leaned down and drew her into a deep kiss, one that blew her away, so that she couldn't have said how long it lasted before his lips left hers and began to move along her jawline. And then, somehow, she could feel the wall behind her, where it hadn't been before. She wasn't sure when they'd moved, only that he was pressed against her now, and his lips were on her neck and this was already so much better than it had ever been in the past.

When he bit her, if it hurt then it didn't even register, she was too blissed out from his kisses to notice. And when the heady feeling of blood being drawn from her body began, it only added to the feeling. She let it take her. If this was what exchanging blood was going to be like from now on then Zero could take as much, as often as he wanted. If it felt this good then she certainly wasn't going to mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been feeling uncertain because perhaps at some points in this chapter Yuki's words and behaviour might be perceived as just a little contradictory. Like her saying she's not ready for anything sexual to happen but then sharing steamy kisses and bites with Zero anyway. But I was thinking… that's normal? People get carried away sometimes, right? And I thought it would be good for them to be up front about it anyway. Idk these are the points when I regret not having someone else to look over give a second opinion before I post. I often worry that the characters might be all over the place and I just can't see it. 
> 
> I’ve written part of the next chapter already, but I’m not sure how long it will take me finish off. I’ve noticed that I’m much more easily distracted from writing in the summer months… But I’ll try not to let myself get too distracted. I’d like to keep on plugging away at this as much as I can.
> 
> As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the chapter, if you’d like to share them. It makes me so happy to receive your comments. And thank you all so much for reading!


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